Larry King
Updated 2009-02-27 10:02:22
It has been my pleasure, during these past two seasons, to cover the funniest sitcom on TV; however, this will be my last recap of 30 Rock . As much as I would love to continue along with you on this journey, I have made a very serious vow to retool my personal calendar. Beginning this week, I am making Thursday, Friday. You understand, that means that Friday will be my new Thursday, and Saturday will be Friday. Sundays will still be Sundays, and Tuesdays are being removed altogether (to avoid the show Reaper ), but from now on Monday is going to be called Rom-Nom-Nomday. It's complicated. I aim to actively petition our government to institute this massive overhaul in America's lunar calendar, but until we can all be on the same page again, it will be literally impossible for me to recap 30 Rock on its proper night -- proper night to you, not to me. I digress. Seriously though, it has been my sincere pleasure to do the recaps for a great site, and I really do hope you enjoyed at least some of what I did here. In the event that you did, keep in mind that I update my blog over at SlapClap.com almost daily. It might be worth a bookmark. Toodles kids, but first the recap!
While Jack and Elisa wait in line for food at a street cart, a dad struggles to hold on to, among other things, a child and a plush toy. Thankfully, it's the plush toy that accidentally falls to the sidewalk, and Elisa walks over to hand it back to him. Jack pities the poor fellow: "Look at this guy. He used to be a man once." But Elisa is offended. "Don't you want what he has one day? Family, wife, children?" Jack freezes up, alarmed by the implication. Afterwards, he seeks out Lemon for relationship advice. He senses that Elisa is ready for the next step, and he wants another woman's opinion on the matter. For her part, Lemon feels the need to clarify that, yes, she is a woman, despite what her doctor had to say on the matter, and that what all women want to know is where their relationship is headed. Jack explains that he is ready for the next step -- probably because that next step is sex. Jack and Elisa have "pleasured one another," but have never gone all the way. Elisa is waiting for a full commitment from him before they can go any farther. So Lemon tells Jack two things in closing: the first is that he must be truthful, no matter what, and the second is that she has had sex two more times than him this year. She puts her hand up, waiting for a high five. "Don't leave a brotha hanging!" (Grudgingly, Jack does not.)
Lemon makes sure Tracy is ready for his big appearance on Larry King Live later in the evening, and Hornberger reminds him to plug TGS . "You only have to plug it once," adds Lemon. " TGS , Fridays at 10:30 on NBC." "I got it. NGS , Fridays at C30 on TB10," says Tracy, and then he exits stage right. Hornberger gets a call from Lemon's phone, even though she is standing right next to him. It's a cab driver named Aasif in Long Island City, Queens. He has Lemon's phone, and asks her to come pick it up. He also asks why Tracy Jordan's phone number is in her address book. When she tells him that they work together, Aasif demands that Lemon bring him $800 dollars or he will throw the phone away. She says "As if!" and hangs up on him.
Elisa tells Jack that she's going away to Puerto Rico to visit her family. Jack asks that she stay, but Elisa needs to know his true feelings. He moves from behind his desk and takes her hand. "I love you," he says while staring deep into her eyes. The feeling is mutual. Jack has even coined a name for them, "Jalisa," which he has had printed on a purse for Elisa, but when she says that's silly, he quickly ditches the purse unseen. Elisa agrees to stay, but also demands that Jack spend every ounce of his time with her. He tells Jonathan to clear his schedule for the entire week. "But what about Jack-onathan?" asks Jonathan. Yeah, what about Jack-onathan? We don't get any further explanation. Elisa presses up close to Jack and makes an alluring prediction. "I think tonight is going to be a very special night."
Tracy is live and on the air with the godfather of trying to stay interested in a guest, Larry King. In the middle of his interview with Tracy (during which Tracy has apparently been summarizing some of his favorite movies), Larry breaks away to announce important financial news. There is a crisis developing in the Asian stock market. The market just opened to a huge sell-off and Larry wants to switch over to the story, but not before he asks Tracy his thoughts about how the news will impact Wall Street. "New York as we know it will no longer exist tomorrow," says Tracy. He then lays out a colorful prediction that New York will return to the days of the 1970s, when the people were mean, the streets were unsafe, graffiti was everywhere, and movies only cost $3.
At 30 Rock, a business associate named Jorgensen stops Jack at the elevator. He's in a panic over the news about the Asian markets. He's also Conan show writer Brian Stack ! Jack explains to Jorgensen that he has the week off and gets on the elevator. He sees Lemon on the elevator, and then his phone rings. It's Lemon, but not really. Lemon explains about her "jag weed" cab driver and then grabs the phone to tell Aasif to stop harassing her friends. Aasif, though, has new information. He found a special picture of Lemon on the phone. It's an "adult" picture taken by Dr. Drew . Aasif demands $2,000 in cash, otherwise he will email the picture to everyone in Liz's address book.
Lemon tells the writing staff -- all busy watching Tracy's interview with Larry King -- that she is going to Queens to retrieve her phone. She's nervous about her safety, and Kenneth agrees to go with her. He's not covered by NBC insurance once he leaves the building, and so he can only offer to tag along as a friend. "Say I'm your friend," he asks of Lemon. She does with little effort. Next, a crowd of people, inside of what looks to be a check-cashing business, are watching Tracy's interview on Larry King . Larry announces that the Mumbai stock exchange is also down in early trading. "Tracy Jordan, talk us through this." Tracy says that everyone watching should take a deep breath, calm down, and start preparing their bodies for the Thunderdome. "That is the new law." A man snatches the television and runs out of the store, past a subway entrance for the X train, Zorgonia Avenue Station. It should be noted that there is no such train in New York. Lemon and Kenneth walk out of the station. They are in Queens, but still not very close to the cab depot. The neighborhood looks rough, and Kenneth warns her that they should be careful. His point is confirmed when a kid runs up to him and tags his back with graffiti. "Mr. Jordan and Mr. Larry King are right. New York is not safe anymore," says Kenneth. He refuses to risk his life for a phone, forcing Lemon to explain why it's so valuable. She tells him that there is a song on the phone -- a German lullaby that her Nana Lemon sang to her every night. Kenneth apologizes and asks her to sing it to him. She sings the German version of "99 Red Balloons." So moved, Kenneth vows not to rest until he gets his "friend" Lemon's phone back.
Jack and Elisa are in more comfortable surroundings than Queens, as they cuddle up together in a chair, in apparent post-coital bliss. The door buzzer rings, and in enters Jorgensen and another co-worker. They are freaking out about the money GE is losing as a result of the Asian markets crisis, and no one can get in touch with Don Geiss. They need Jack's help, but he answers them with an impassioned speech about his devotion to the woman he loves. "There is no amount of money this company could lose that would cause me to..." Jorgensen shows Jack his phone, and presumably, on it, the amount of money the company is losing. "...Yes, that's the amount. I'll get dressed right now."
Larry King asks the Undersecretary of the Treasury Department for advice on how to handle the economic panic. He tries to tell Larry that people should not panic, or pull out investments, but is interrupted by Tracy. "I think people should freak they geek out. Withdraw all your money and hide it." Tracy claims to have hidden cash everywhere, including at work. "I've hidden so much money that if some of it was gone, I probably wouldn't even notice." Larry asks the best follow-up question in his long and storied career: "Now, why would you say that?" At 30 Rock, the staff bolts from their chairs to look for Tracy's stashed cash.
In Queens, Kenneth gets mauled by a pack of grade school children, who also snatch Lemon's purse. Items fall out of it, including a picture of Lemon with her nana. Kenneth notices that the picture is from New Year's, which contradicts her previous claim that her nana died in November. He asks her to sing him the lullaby again, and this time she is forced to sing it all the way through to the chorus. When she gets to the lyric "99 luftballons," he recognizes immediately where the song is from, and Lemon admits that the real reason she needs the phone is to get back an adult picture. "You lied to me?" asks a hurt Kenneth. "That's not something that friends do to each other." Lemon posits that maybe they aren't really friends. Kenneth points out, in that case, he is in violation of the NBC insurance policy and turns around to head home.
Jack is in his office waiting to hear word from Geiss when he finds out about Tracy spreading fear on Larry King . He calls into the show and tells the audience that Tracy is only fanning the flame. Tracy's response is to accuse the caller of being an imposter. He yells at Larry King to hang up on him, and Larry obliges. "I'm going to, but not because you told me." Elisa shows up at Jack's office to yell at him for abandoning her. Jack resists by gives her the keys to his apartment. "I will meet you there... eventually." Elisa throws the keys to the floor and tells him that she's going to Puerto Rico.
Frank, Lutz, Toofer and Hornberger are turning over every inch of Tracy's dressing room, intent on finding his money. Frank thinks he's found something behind the couch, but it turns out to be tarantula food. "I didn't know Tracy had a tarantula," says Lutz, as a tarantula crawls on his face. Speaking of tarantulas, Larry King has no idea how to pronounce that word . A frustrated Hornberger calls Larry King's show to talk to Tracy, but when he gets on the air Tracy thinks it's his friend Peter Frampton. Peter asks him where he decided to hide his cash at work, and Tracy answers him with a riddle: "The place I picked is very dry and warm. Its top is hard, but its bottom is soft, and although the location changes every time, the money stays in the same place."
Jack finally receives word from Geiss in the form of a VHS tape. He asks Jonathan if it's even possible to play it. Lucky for them, Jonathan keeps a VCR in the office to watch Jack's old football tapes. Jack notices a camcorder on the VCR and asks him why it's there. "Nothing. I don't know," answers Jonathan, and then he pops in the tape and presses play. It's Don Geiss talking to the camera while a message flashes underneath. The message reads: "Play in the event of economic meltdown." "My message is timeless," Geiss tells his audience. "Avoid the Noid." He also tells them that the only thing they can do in a time of crisis is to be with their loved ones and hold them close. It's not exactly a message that would buoy consumer confidence, if you were expecting an Obama-like message of hope for better economic days ahead. Afterwards, Geiss walks over to the camera to try and find the off button. "What's that gizmo?" and then the screen goes to static. Jack runs out of the building and onto the street to hop a livery cab. He sees Elisa sitting alone on the sidewalk with her luggage before he jumps in the car. She can't get a cab, or even a bus, out to JFK because of the financial panic. "Everything has gone cocoa for cuckoo poops." Standing there, amidst the swirl of panic, Jack asks Elisa to marry him. "I love you Elisa, and I don't want to be with anyone else." Elisa accepts Jack's hand in marriage.
Lemon finally makes it to cab depot, but has to tell Aasif that she doesn't have the money because her wallet was stolen. He taunts her by suggesting that she phone a friend who might loan her cash, and then points out that all of the numbers in her address book are work-related: "You have no friends." On cue, Kenneth appears, introducing himself as Liz Lemon's friend. "Okay, do you have $2,000 dollars?" asks Aasif. When Kenneth tells him no, he decides to watch television, and wait until they find some way to come up with the money.
The guys are still unable to find Tracy's money. Frank is practically on the verge of turning into the Incredible Hulk , he's so incredibly frustrated. Pete calls back in to Larry King , demanding to know where the money is located. Tracy repeats the riddle, and Pete screams at him that there's nothing like that in 30 Rock. "I never said it was a thing," answers Tracy. Kenneth watches the exchange on the television at the cab depot in Queens. "It's me," he realizes. "I'm the safest place in 30 Rock." Kenneth checks his hair, his back pockets, and then the inside lining of his page jacket, and contained within are rows of taped-together money. Kenneth pulls out $2,000 and hands it over to the cab driver in return for Lemon's phone.
The next day, Jonathan tidies up inside Jack's office as the television shows Meredith Vieira on The Today Show . She reports that the U.S. markets opened with no effect from the Asian meltdown, but that many people blame the last night's panic in New York on Tracy Jordan. She turns to interview Tracy, who is sitting next to her in the studio. "Tracy, a lot of people are calling you a fear-monger, and, I'm quoting here, 'an idiot.' What do you have to say for yourself?" "Watch TGS on Fridays, at 10:30, on NBC. Word."
Jonathan turns off the television just as Jack walks in, and then hands him another VCR tape. It's amazing how much more convenient a VCR recording is to a story plot. It's hard to imagine someone editing together a last-minute message using iMovie, for instance . This time the message is from Elisa. She tells Jack that she has left for Puerto Rico to think about things. Her fear is that Jack's proposal was born out of the panic of the moment, and now she wants to give them both a chance to think things through before deciding on a future together. "Now how do you turn this damn thing off?" Her cleavage fills the frame as she finds the off switch, followed by static, followed by a shirtless Jonathan playing the flute in the middle of Jack's office. Jonathan runs back into the office and shuts the TV off. "That's personal."
Let's head over to the joke section, shall we?
Gender Confusion:
Jack: "Lemon, you're a woman."
Lemon: "Of course I am. That doctor's a quack. I don't even know why my parents listened to him."
Lemon: "Well, where is it going? Ladies like to know what the next step is. They -- we -- can't help ourselves."
I Lost It at a Hootie Concert:
Jack: "Believe me Lemon, I am ready to take that next step."
Lemon: "Marriage?"
Jack: "No, the one before that."
Lemon: "Moving in together? That's huge."
Jack: "No. The thing you do before that. Think you, in the mid-'90s."
Lemon: "You haven't had sex?!"
Jane, You Ignorant Slut:
Lemon: "Hey, you ready for Larry King Live tonight?"
Tracy: "You know it. I cursed for 3 hours straight just to get it out of my system, you dumb bitch. Oh, um."
Do They Celebrate Uno Commands in Your Country?
Aasif: "You bring $800 dollars, rich lady, or I throw the phone away."
Lemon: "What? Oh yeah, I'll definitely do that, on Opposite Day!"
Aasif: "I'm new to this country. Is that a real thing?"
Silent Comedy Award:
The caricature of Elisa on a skateboard .
Up Next, Tracy Recaps Doc Hollywood :
Tracy: "But then he scores a basket, even though he's not a wolf anymore."
Larry King: "We're here with Tracy Jordan, who just recounted, by the way, the entire plot to Teen Wolf ."
Larry King's Brilliant Exposition Transition:
Larry King: "Tracy Jordan, saying three serious things and then a joke."
Chris Tucker and Tracy Jordan Star In: [translated] Out of Place Black Men Treasure Hunt Mystery :
Larry King: "Have you been to Asia, Tracy?"
Tracy: "My work has taken me there. I was supposed to be in that movie Rush Hour , but two weeks into shooting I was replaced by Jackie Chan."
Bobby Jindal's Bedtime Story:
Kenneth: "Was it 'The Day Is Done My Sweet, for the Lambs Have Been Decapitated'?"
Bobby Jindal's Favorite 80's Song:
Kenneth: "I knew it! That's '99 Red Balloons,' Nena's famous anti-balloon protest song."
Thou Shalt Not Place Any Word Before "Boobies" :
Lemon: "There is an adult picture of me on that phone!"
Kenneth: "Adult? You mean like you're driving a car, or wearing a suit?"
Lemon: "It's a boobies picture, Kenneth, and I only kept it because, for once, they were both pointing in the same direction."
Welcome to the Lexicon:
Jack: "Did you get hold of Geiss?"
Jonathan: "No."
Jack: "Did you try his mistress?"
Jonathan: "Not there."
Jack: "How about his manstress?"
More Larry King:
Jack: "I just want to preach caution, Larry. If there were anything to worry about, I would be at my office, instead of at home with my beautiful girlfriend. She's Latin."
Larry King: "Expand on that."
Pithy, Yet Degenerate:
Elisa: "It smells like dude in here."
White Person Jumps:
Elisa: "This is all just another Jack Donaghy lie. Like when you said that you can dunk a basketball."
Jack: "I can, on a regulation hoop."
Larry King, Again:
Larry King: "If you're just joining us, we are with Tracy Jordan, who is giving guitar icon Peter Frampton enigmatic clues about a secret treasure. Stay with us."
Art Repeating More Art:
Jack: "I was about to do the whole run-to-the-airport thing, like Ross did on Friends , and Liz Lemon did in real life."
Well Said:
Aasif: "You have no friends."
Kenneth: "Yes. I. Am."
That Reminds Me:
Kenneth: "I would thank you to give the lady its cell phone back."
No-Prize Award Winner:
Larry King, Larry King, Larry King. He had the best lines of the night. He stole the show. I think it's safe to say this is the funniest that Larry King has ever been, and ever will be.
Good luck with your new lunar calendar, Michael Neal. You will be missed.
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