Bitches ahoy! We begin the Top Model premiere, as we often do, with the thirty-three semifinalists. This year, they bypass the customary L.A. visit and instead fly to San Juan, where one Miss J. Alexander does his best Captain Stubing imitation and informs them that the semifinals will take place on a giant cruise ship. Okay, so maybe he was a little more Cruise Director Julie than Captain Stubing. You get the drift. After Tyra attempts to revive her singing career showgirl-style, the girls partake in an impromptu runway show on the lido deck, to the endless delight of the other passengers, minus the ones who really wanted a good view of the shuffleboard game. We have some real characters this year, many of whom actually have different afflictions than the contestants in seasons past. At the top of that list is Heather, a self-described insecure nerd girl with a Quasimodo hunch, who has Asperger"s syndrome, a mild form of autism. There is also Marvita, a Grace Jones look-alike from Alaska who has had tons of childhood trauma that Tyra of course makes her talk about to the discomfort of everyone. Victoria goes to Yale, which is affliction enough. Janet is a bikini waxer. Which, ditto. Jennifer from Walpole (represent!) has a ferocious Massachusetts accent and is blind in one eye, Lisa spent years in foster care and is now a "bikini dancer," Ebony is a bitch with a heart of mush whose mom was a crack addict, and Spontaniouse is named Spontaniouse. Aside from Victoria getting a little pukey on the ship and some bitchiness involving Ebony, there really isn"t much drama at all. What I wouldn"t give for a little rum punch in someone"s weave. The girls meet Season 8 winner Jaslene on a beach in Antigua, and have their first photo shoot (in swimwear, natch). Thirteen girls get cut, and actually have to stand at the port and watch the ship sail away without them, like so many dreams deferred. Tyra and the Jays deliberate further about who is model material, and we end up with our final thirteen: Mila, Bianca, Jenah, Chantal, Ambreal, Victoria, Sarah, Saleisha, Kimberly, Ebony, Janet, Heather, Lisa. Marvita has been through so much shit in her life that she"s all, "Whatevs, life isn"t about getting what you want," and doesn"t cry like the other punk-ass girls. Everyone else is, well, a punk-ass, and lots of tears are shed. Next week: Iceberg!