It"s Cycle 10 of America"s Next Top Model, bitches. Yes, I really said 10. Our little girl is a woman now! Our traditional group of 35 semifinalists makes their way to L.A. for a little screening and training by Tyra and the Jays. In a tribute to Britney Spears, or Catholicism, or Mo"Nique, or perverts, the girls have to dress in school uniforms as they are put through their paces. The big news is that Marvita is back, and has apparently had some therapy. Note that I didn"t say the therapy took. But she"s had it. The photo shoot and initial runway test show us that most of them are pretty busted, and particularly Brooklyn artist Lauren, who is this season"s awkward girl ugly duckling. Other standouts include Polish Cornell graduate Katarzyna, Dominique (whom the other girls call a transvestite before I even get the opportunity), Model Barbie Kim, Anya with the weird accent, the girl from Wisconsin who tries so hard to be memorable, Claire who drinks her own breast milk, Muhammad Ali"s niece Shayla, plus-sized Whitney (another plus-sized Whitney!), and Fatima from Somalia.
Fatima has some problems with the other girls, which start when she tells the African-American contingent that they"re ghetto. And, like, not ghetto in a good way. Shayla wants to use some of her uncle"s skills on Fatima, while self-proclaimed bitch Shalynda bristles when Fatima asks if she can actually call her "bitch." Good times. All is forgiven later on when Fatima pulls the old "I was a victim of genital mutilation" card. Everyone empathizes with and comforts an emotional Fatima. Except, that is, for Marvita, whose months have therapy have taught her that this is the appropriate time to ask if Fatima feels like less of a woman. There"s an initial cut down to 20, in which Shayla is most memorably given the boot, and then the girls have to go through one more photo shoot involving a fur stole to determine the final 13. Can someone please verify that that thing"s not fake so that PETA can start throwing eggs at Tyra? Marvita, awkward Heather, Fatima, and a bunch of other bitches make it through, and then Tyra drops a bomb that you won"t believe: this year there will be 14 finalists! That means good news for Dominique, which in turn is good news for the fake tanning industry. Let us pray for an especially bitchilicious season as the girls return to where they really belong: New York City!