Hilarious—and pathetic, we might add—explanations from the Jennifer Garner ass-grabber himself, Gary Busey! Plus, who's trying to give Debby Messing a run for her gimme-swag-lovin' self? Might be shocked there. And more Hilton hijinks (so not the surprise).More shimmering shenanigans: The Beverly Hilton was bizzay with its own after-Oscar hijinks, cothrown by Children Uniting Nations and Billboard mag—quite an odd-couple matchup, n'est-ce pas? A saucy looker friend of ours approached the most discussed man of the Oscars at said event—no, not Javy Bardem or Danny D.-L. The man on everyone's gossipy mind is Gary Busey and his major mitts on the red carpet (and on Juno star Jennifer Garner's bod). The BH insider suggested to G.B. that he made quite the unfortunate impression to sundry red carpeters, as a result. Busey's response? "I believe in spontaneity...It's live TV, what're they gonna do?" Some call it spontaneity; others call it coppin' a feel. Nice try.Just don't expect a thug hug from Ben Affleck at any Hollywood parties in the future. Gar-B is 63 years old, and don't forget he reportedly suffered some brain injury after a messy motorcycle mishap a while back. He prolly had no idea he was even at the Oscars. Bet he believed J.G. was his niece and he was at Disneyland. (Would've been a lot more entertaining afternoon considering the telecast, I can tell you that much.) Also hangin' weirdly at the same soiree was...

Martin Landau, who apparently is the new Debra Messing as far as complimentary souvenirs are concerned. Marty picked up his gift bag at the beginning of the event, and clung to it all night long, lest somebody snatch his goodies right out from underneath him. Debby trained this graft bitch, trust. Julie Newmar, in a pair of completely see-through, black lace pants, also set off geriatric alarm bells. Someone can't get over her Catwoman phase, obvs. You don't see Michelle Pfeiffer still wearing a leather mask around town, do ya? Not that I'd protest much if she did.

More attractive were the new castmembers of Dancing with the Stars putting themselves on display, including Marlee Matlin, Steve Guttenberg and Antonio Sabato Jr. The definition of the word star has been stretched beyond all recognition, though, we must insist.The president of Ghana, John Kofi Agyekum Kufuor, was making a speech about children uniting nations—at least that's what we assume he was doing, since not a single soul bothered to pay attention to the prez. They just kept yapping and slurping cocktails with their cohorts, par-tick when the Dancing gang arrived. Oh, it's going to be another one of those seasons, isn't it?Freshly sprung from his cell, Barron Hilton was let out of his room long enough to attend the Mercedes-Benz Oscar viewing party...with his 'rents following closely behind. What a buzz kill—always felt pretty bad for the humiliated kid whose parents volunteered to chaperone the school dance, while his friends got to have fun with flasks under the bleachers. Way to retroactively parent, Kath and Rick! Anyhoo, for the MB bash, the Hilton twosome had dressed to the twos, surprising for a couple whose closet is full of pricey formal attire. Mama dearest, donning some plain pants and boots on the most elegant evening of the year, helped guests scoop ice cream at the sundae bar. Who knew Kath from Bel Air could be so maternal? Maybe if she'd scooped sundaes for Paris, Nicky and Bar, they would've developed a sweet tooth instead of a raunchy record.Later that night, Barron ditched his baby-boomer babysitters and hit up the Ariva after-party at a private Bev Hills mansh. And we mean private. The gracious hosts provided a shuttle for the guests, so no one had to sweat about Hilton becoming a repeat offender. (At least not that night.) Served at the celebration were breakfast foods like omelets and French toast sticks—perfect fodder for a fete lasting from midnight till dawn. We didn't catch the tyke imbibing without inhibition, but we did see B.H. chatting up lots of lovely ladies, who, I'm guessing, hadn't seen his mangy mug shot, which looked more like an embarrassing yearbook photo taken in the '80s. Maybe he just flashed 'em his black American Express card?This is our last discush on all-things Oscar, we swear, and believe it or not, we'd like to pay a compliment. Porkers are flying through the sky, the depths of hell have frozen up and all that jazz, we know. Golf claps to Owen Wilson for putting on a brave (albeit slightly twisted) face and presenting an award on Sunday, knowing that every human watching in the Kodak Theatre and at home would immediately recall his summertime suicide attempt. O.W.'s cry for help was last August, and the usually funny fella took his sweet and very necessary time getting better, making sure to stay away from the paps and the public eye. Six months later, Owen-hon is slowly stepping back onto the scene in the classiest way possible. (Drillbit Taylor notwithstanding.)Wish we could say the same for some other troubled celebs, who clearly look at rehab and the like as a PR stunt or a spring-break vacay away from the kids. Britney gets released from the psych ward and immediately books it to the Bev Hills Hotel for some room-service sexcapades with Adnan. Eva Mendes flew the rehab coop, and instead of keeping it quiet-like on the lowdown, what does she do? Skips over to the beach for the Spirit Awards, 'cause ya know they couldn't possibly go on without her presence. And damn, Lindsay was up to all sorts of naughty shenanigans while still in rehab. I can't count the number of clubs the wannabe-Marilyn has been frequenting so soon after leaving the Lodge. And now Amy Winehouse is about to release her own line of beauty products—no, that entire sentence wasn't a typo, she really is. Let's dismiss the notion that people would actually pay money to look like Wino...Ames, girl, your husband's in jail, you've got cuts all up and down your arm and you're still figuring out how to sing "Rehab" ironically. Is a cosmetics line really a priority now? Don't you think you should focus on fixing your addictions, your marriage or at the very least, your own makeup?These famous folk have a lot to learn if they think the second they step foot back into the real world they're A-okay and in tip-top shape, ready to responsibly partake in the same debauchery that landed 'em in psych wards or rehab facilities in the first place. Take a tip from Wilson, who we're pretty sure is the only one who has (now) a halfway healed head on his shoulders.

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