So, last we saw these fools, Evil Dick had just managed to go from not-so-narrowly avoiding eviction to winning the HoH competition. It should not surprise you to note that he immediately starts acting nonspecifically threatening towards Jen and Kail. Oh, and the voice-over guy, during the previouslies, would like us to believe that Kail"s alliance "betrayed" her by not voting for Dick like total morons. After some diary room shenanigans where Dustin pretends to be sad that Joe got evicted (psych! He"s really not), we hear from Kail"s "woman-on-the-verge" DR session during which her voice is all shrill and shaky and she"s a stiff breeze away from breaking down into heaping sobs, but not quite yet. She laments that her alliance bailed on her and she ended up being the lone vote for Dick"s elimination. Mike"s explanation for voting for Joe tends to make sense: Joe was going to be eliminated anyway -- why ruffle feathers? After an inexplicable round of houseguests being sad that Joe is gone -- seriously, Jameka, if you"re looking for a shrill, yappy, and annoying companion, get a purse dog -- Zach interviews that his "alliance of four" is weakening and probably finished. You guys, that was the worst alliance in the entire history of this show. How embarrassing! It lasted two weeks, it fell apart for no reason whatsoever, and all it accomplished was eliminating Carol.
After a flashback to the HoH competition -- nice to see someone win the competition on purpose this time -- Dick and his gross yellow teeth interview about how awesome it is to be in a position of power. What, instead of being at the whims of Jen the Uni-Tard? I"d imagine so. Both Jen and Kail assume that they"ll be put up for eviction. Kail corners Mike in the circular bed room and starts to unspool, asking him why he didn"t vote for Dick. Mike answer is some variation of "A-buuuuuhhh..." Not the sharpest knife, that one, but his point remains a good one: it was kind of obvious the way the winds were blowing. It sounds like everyone expected to do the smart thing and vote for Joe, but Kail...didn"t. Kail hyperventilates in the DR about how "these men" she"s aligned herself with are "cowards."
Dick"s HoH room revelation is mostly unremarkable. Blah, blah, photos. There"s one pic of Dick and Daniele where they both look all fresh-faced and youthful (as fresh-faced as Dick"s ever looked, anyway). This all makes Amber cry, of course.
Dick"s Mrs. Robinson Interrogation: Kail tells him all about her alliance and how they left her hung out to dry. Dick"s only really interested in making Kail feel like a moron for choosing a stupid alliance. Kail tries to sell herself as too weak a player to bother targeting this week, but Dick DRs that his nominations of Jen and Kail are pretty much "set in stone." He says he"ll entertain thoughts of nominating Mike or Zach, but you know he won"t.
Eric and Jen wrestle in the kitchen. They"re surprisingly evenly matched. Jameka hilariously gives the play-by-play ("He grabs...butt cheeks!"). It"s all going well enough for Eric until Jen kicks him in his junk. As far as pointless filler segments, I"ve seen worse.
Oooh! We get to see Nick talk about his top five guys! This happened, like, a week ago, so even I"ve managed to hear about it. Apparently, Nick is either genuinely bi-curious, playing the bi-curious card in order to win the favor of Dustin and (until recently) Joe, or really slyly funny and not overly concerned with projecting an imagine of the burly homophobic cro-mag. Anyway, he"s in the backyard with Dick, Zach, and Amber, and talk turns, as it does, to how fucking hot Ryan Reynolds is. Nick says he"s in his "top five" of guys he"d ever do if he ever did a guy. Dick and Zach immediately start giving him shit -- Zach is literally laughing like "huh-huh-huh, huh-huh-huh." He"s like Butthead come to life. In so many ways, really. Nick tries to explain that he doesn"t want to do guys...except maybe those five. Heh. Dick and Zach drown him out with their ribbing until Nick slinks away, at which point Dick and Zach high-five each other for being such awesome gatekeepers of the heterosexual mystique. Hey, Dick, Nick"s off to go bang your daughter, by the way. Figured you might like to know. Indeed, Nick finds Daniele and explains how he was getting shit for having a top five list of guys he"d do "if I was gay." Daniele immediately goes, "Matthew McConaughey..." Nick: "Number one." Hee! Okay, here"s my thing with Nick: I think he has a wickedly strange sense of humor and this is part of it, but I also think it"s to his credit that he doesn"t really have a problem projecting this image of himself on national TV. And not to make him the Betty Friedan of bi-curious boys, but I think we could do with more straight dudes just admitting that if they had the chance to nail Ryan Reynolds, they totally would. Do I think he"s actually gay? Ehhhh. This is like Gyllenhaal singing "Dreamgirls" on SNL all over again: I think he"s shrewd, well-intentioned, in possession of a really sharp sense of humor, and ultimately straight. Though I would be more than happy to be proven wrong on that last part. Anyway, also in Nick"s top five: Hugh Jackman and Brad Pitt. No word on number five yet, but I"ll keep you posted if I hear anything. Because he"s with Daniele, he tries to say that since these guys are all handsome, smart, and funny, he might as well be describing himself. And, see, this all comes across as more winkingly comical than genuinely self-obsessed. And it makes me feel better about all his shmooping over Daniele (he tells her his top five girls are all her), because that"s all done in the same overly-earnest tone, so there"s a good chance he hasn"t actually fallen ass-over-tit in love in the span of a week.
The downside of all this flirty-flirty behavior, however, is that it"s really getting to Daniele, who is breaking down in the hammock with her father. The gist seems to be that she is struggling with being apart from her boyfriend, and she"s feeling more and more tempted by Nick (because...well, look at him) and she "doesn"t want to hurt anyone," like, how"s that entire bottle of whiskey taste, Daniele"s boyfriend? Dick, because he is incredibly self-involved, DRs that he"s happy for the opportunity for Daniele to confide in him, though he at least has the class to admit that that"s kind of fucked up, to be happy that your daughter"s flipping out.
This week"s slop-hating segment: seeing Jameka struggle with the slop, after saying in the first week that she didn"t think she"d mind it because she loves oatmeal, gives me some kind of indication that, yes, fine, it"s probably really gross. Still doesn"t make me think that all the PB&J-haters were a bunch of whiners. Dick -- who can eat real food -- makes a joke about eating a hamburger in front of starving kids in Africa, and Jameka shortly replies that there are starving kids in Asia and America too. Dick, again utterly self-involved, doesn"t like the implication that what he said was racist, so he takes Jameka aside later on and wants to know what"s up. Jameka explains that as the only person of color in the house, she feels an inordinate pressure not only to represent herself, but to represent all black people, and that pressure is wearing on her. As you can imagine it would. It"s bizarre, because you get the feeling that this is true for quite a few people on quite a few reality shows, but it hardly ever gets talked about on the shows. Weird that it takes Big Brother to acknowledge it front and center. Anyway, Dick manages to finally get beyond how this isn"t at all about him and whether or not he"s racist, and he ultimately expresses sympathy for Jameka"s position. And, not that I"m glad that the pressure is getting to her or anything, but at least we"re seeing more of her this week. I really do think I like her.
Food competition. It"s called "Mission: In-Pasta-Bowl," which is such a deliciously awful pun that it becomes awesome. The houseguests must wade through swimming pools of canned spaghetti decorated with dodgeballs painted to look like meatballs. The meatballs have names of food on them, and they must find two balls with the same food on them to win that food. As Eric explains it, "If I found "liver," my partner would have to find liver as well, and then we"d deliver it to the scoring station and we"d have liver for the week." Eric sadly misses a golden opportunity to tell us that you can"t spell "deliver to the scoring station" without "liver." So...they get some food. Not much to explain beyond that. Oh, and they go for "sweetbreads" because, as Jessica explains, sweetbreads are "donuts, cornbread, any kind of bread that tastes good, that"s not like normal bread." No, it"s not like normal bread. That I"ll give her. It"s not until the end of the competition that the HGs are informed that they"ll be stocked up on cow pancreas for the week. Hee. Jen and Kail team up to get cucumber, which is...well, Jameka takes this one for me: "What are we supposed to do with cucumbers for a week, pickle "em?" Of course, when it"s all done, there"s the contractually-obligated food fight, as there must be. Eric explains the shenanigans and then starts to say, "It was pasta-tively...nah, that"s even too cheesy for me." He"s so shticky, but I"m glad he"s at least self-aware about it.
Speaking of AmERICa"s Player, his mission this week is to get Jen nominated for eviction. Eric notes how this will be the easiest money he"s made since...well, last week, when he was instructed to get Joe out of the house. And, once again, America proves that we really shouldn"t be in charge of who stays and who goes on this show, because what good is a TV show without the ditzy, unpredictable, sociopathic narcissist? So we cut to Eric (with Jessica and Jameka) in the yard, selling Dick on the concept of putting up Kail and Jen. I say "selling" because we"re led to believe Dick is considering putting up Kail and Zach. Eric"s reasoning is decently strong here: 1) If Zach is nominated with Kail, he"ll go and she"ll stay; 2) Kail and Jen are the only two who openly campaigned against him, so he won"t be ruffling any feathers anew; and 3) Keep It Simple, Stupid. Dick thanks Eric for being such a big help to him, strategy-wise. Eric literally looks like a puppy who just got rubbed on his belly. Did Big Brother pick the right obedient lapdog or what?
Oh, goody, now it"s time for Dustin Teaches Kail About The Gay. Kail helpfully reminds us that she comes from a small town and doesn"t know any gay people, so you"ll forgive her if she doesn"t approve of the homosexual lifestyle. In the yard, Kail asks Dustin whether Robin (of "Batman and..." fame) and Barney (the giant purple dinosaur) are gay. Dustin"s like, "I think that might just be a rumor? Also, they"re fictional characters?" I love him sometimes, I really do. Kail asks Dustin about "gaydar" and says she"d have "never guessed" he was gay. HA! Hee hee hee. Oh, that Dustin. So butch, with the flailing limbs and the shirts unbuttoned to his navel. Though I guess when lined up next to Joe.... But for real, though, Kail says she has a hard time recognizing a gay person unless they"re wearing "their full makeup. Then it"s a giveaway." Jesus fucking Christ. Anyway, Kail DRs that even after meeting and (seemingly) befriending Dustin, her views haven"t changed. But Dustin is one of the good ones, I guess, because he makes her forget, for long stretches of time, how he"s totally going to hell. Dustin DRs that he hopes he can open some doors for Kail, and look, I appreciate the concept of losing your prejudices through personal interactions, but come on. Kail owns a television. Kail has a brain. Kail already has enough information to make an informed opinion about gay people. She"s just made the wrong one. I think the best you can hope for with Kail is exactly what she just said: make her like you enough that she forgets how she disapproves of who you are at your very core. Which he"s done, so: congrats, Dustin!
Dick interrogates Zach about the now-defunct Mrs. Robinson alliance. Zach essentially tells him that he"ll do whatever Nick says, which is a load and a half, but it"s not clear whether Dicks buys it or not. Zach DRs that Dick tried to put him on edge, but "I"m used to [punches the air in front of him] battlin" people like that." Well, sure, in his career as a graphic designer, I"m sure Zach is no stranger to the fisticuffs, whether real or metaphorical. Dick then grills Nick, who also comes clean about the alliance. My thought would be that since Nick told this to Daniele last week, Dick should have a bit more faith in Nick than in Zach or Mike. But Dick brings up the not-unreasonable point that getting rid of Nick means he can get rid of the source of Daniele"s internal struggles, not to mention a guy who could possibly fuck her over in the long run. Nick assures Dick that his intentions are pure, though, again, I kind of hope they aren"t. I"m not pulling for a Mike Boogie-style In The Company Of Men takedown, but I do like to think that Nick"s more playfully flirting than actually, you know, falling in love. Then again, my suspicion is that, while Dick probably is interested in protecting his daughter, he really just likes to have an excuse to get all dramatic and vaguely-threatening towards someone, and now he gets to act that way towards Nick.
Nominations. The keys, one by one, come out of the box, until we"re left with only Jessica and Jameka as nominees. No, wait, that"s not it. Dick nominates Kail and Jen, just like we all knew he obviously would back on Thursday. Dick says that his nominations are about "breaking up big alliances" and also "lies," "deception," "scheming," and "a plan to upset the balance in the house." Oh for Christ"s sake, they were an alliance, dude. They weren"t the Bolsheviks. Dick"s absolutely right to go after them, but to act like the very existence of that group was an affront to the harmony of the house, or whatever.... "You have an alliance that I"m not part of. Breaking you up is to my benefit." That"s all that needs to be said, but as ever on this show, it"s So! Much! More! Important! Than! That! It should not be a surprise to anyone that Jen DRs that she doesn"t really feel a whole lot of anything now that she"s up on the block. She scares me so, so much, you guys. Anyway, Kail and Jen. Hopefully Kail goes home.
America"s Choice this week asks Eric to create discord in the house by stealing something that belongs to one of the houseguests. Oh, Big Brother. Stealing ideas from Flavor of Love: Charm School? Bootz is so gonna kick your ass.