'Dancing With the Stars': 15 Reasons I'm a 'Dancing' Fool
By Annie Barrett, EW.com | Friday, September 18, 2009, 1:28 PM
Warren Sapp and Kym Johnson
ABC/Craig Sjodin
The fringe! The ridiculous spray tans! Bruno Tonioli! ... Leg warmers?
Here are the 15 reasons why we're forever hooked on ''Dancing with the Stars,'' premiering Monday, 9/21 at 8pm ET on ABC.
[Photo Gallery: 'DWTS': 15 Reasons I'm a 'Dancing' Fool]
The Unlikely Heroes
''Dancing With the Stars'' winners like Olympic champion speed skater Apolo Anton Ohno (left) and Indy 500 winner Helio Castroneves had already mastered their specific areas of world domination. So watching them become good enough ballroom dancers to eventually hoist that fabulous glitter ball like it's the coolest thing in the world (well, at least in Helio's case) is just hilarious. You did it, guys!
The Fire in Their Eyes
Once I regain my handle on the idea that this is a show about random celebrities attempting to ballroom dance (it takes about 30 seconds before each ep, and is often tequila shot-intensive), this is possibly my favorite part of the whole series: The ''stars'' just get so into it. Take a moment to really study Lisa Rinna (pictured). What is she doing? Even Louis doesn't know. Call it the ''DWTS'' Effect. Whatever it is, it's amazing. DISCO!
They All Go to Camp!
You know what I mean. They just overdo it. Consistently. Particularly the Token Old Guys -- John O'Hurley, George Hamilton, John Ratzenberger, Cloris Leachman (what? she totally counts), and Jerry Springer (pictured, outfitted like a waiter at one of those pirate-themed seafood restaurants). Awww, look at him -- he fell because he's old! Participants like these guys are key to the show's don't-take-us-too-seriously vibe. Remember O'Hurley's perpetually arched eyebrow? ''Look how silly I'm being,'' it said. ''If I'm furrowed, it means my owner is aware of it!''
Fringe Benefits
If you're only tuning in for one reason, that reason very well might be getting to see vaguely familiar people willingly donning such an atrocious array of costumes. Sequins! Feathers! Ruffles! Cutouts! Jeweled arm bands nearly cutting off the circulation of Emmitt Smith's beefy biceps! It just never ends. IN YOUR FACE, viewers! You will gaze at complicated outfits often held together by a nude-colored strip of gauze and you will like it. And let's not forget the more recent leather (fine, pleather) trend, which dates back to Mel and Maks' season 5 ''Free Your Mind'' dominatrix-style paso doble and lived on in season 7 in the ''Matrix''-esque pleathery bathrobe shrink-wrapped around Warren Sapp.
Totally Weird Music
To normal people, the song selection on this show bites it. Shanna Moakler's mambo set to Kris Kross' ''Jump''? Harry Hamlin's quickstep to ''Lust for Life''? I have two words: THANK YOU. For such a silly show, ill-advised songs are totally appropriate! So keep that up.
Let's not forget the utterly random (unless you're Nick Lachey, pictured) musical guest of the week! The elimination shows are often a great chance to speculate on advancements in plastic surgery -- hey there, Tom Jones (pictured) -- and the special-guest performances get even awesomely worse when they showcase some of the pros. Season 3's Rod Stewart performance of ''Hot Legs,'' with Edyta and Kym doing high kicks? Just switching places with each other every 30 seconds? What was that?!
Obstacle Course
''DWTS'' loves itself a challenge. Whether it's season 5's Mark Cuban dancing on a newly replaced hip owwww, season 4's Heather Mills funkin' up the jive with a prosthetic leg , or season 3's Jerry Springer scraping his carcass over the giant hurdle involved in being Jerry Springer, the producers can't get enough of stars who overcome significant obstacles in order to get flung across the ballroom. Perhaps most impressively, in season 6, actress Marlee Matlin (pictured) couldn't hear the music, so she felt it through her partner Fabian instead. Cristian de la Fuente made it to the season 6 finals with just one arm!
Bruno, Bruno, Bruno
It's like the producers sit him down the day of the show and say, ''Okay, Bruno, what do you want to convey about this contestant?'' They wait for him to spout out various clauses: ''Radiant! "Molto!" Sun-baked Spanish plains!'' and then they spin it all into a completely scripted on-air catastrophe I can only call solid gold. All the flailing really helps, too. Oh, and I enjoy it when he pumps his fist while handing out 10s to everyone. Yes, Bruno! You did it!
They're Aliiiiiiiiiive!
Whenever a new cast is announced, it's fun to tally up all the names you recognize (five, six tops) and hope for the best. It's another thing entirely when Steve Guttenberg is, as he put it, ''gliding like a thoroughbred horse'' across your TV screen in long coattails and a cheesy grin. Seeing celebrities rise up from pop-culture purgatory -- even if it's just to mouth the word ''Woo'' as many times as possible (why hello, Priscilla Presley) -- can be one of the most endearing elements of the series.
The Implied Love Affairs...
...which I'm not buying for even a second. Still, it's a valiant effort by the producers to goad us into thinking some of the dance partners have found a soul mate, or at least extreme hotness, in each other. Whenever this happens, things suddenly get tropical. Remember Willa Ford and Maks (pictured, right) rolling around on a sunset beach? And Mario Lopez and Karina (pictured, left) rubbing oil all over each other - as if the standard inch-of-oil-at-all-times wasn't already enough - near a private pool's waterfall? Don't even make me pretend to acknowledge Shannon Elizabeth and Derek's former ''relationship.'' I'm onto you, fake couples. But by all means, keep up the charade!
The (Funky) Diva Pros
They're all as fresh as a pastel handkerchief peeking out of DANCMSTR's breast pocket, but season 5 recruits Mark Ballas and Derek Hough, along with Derek's sister Julianne and season 7 newcomer Lacey Schwimmer, exemplify the ''make it contemporary!'' camp of DWTS pros -- a far cry from traditionalists like Tony, Maks, Karina, and Cheryl. Regardless of their wildly different dance aesthetics, I just love it when the real dancers get sassy with the judges (Karina), speak out of turn (the feisty Anna Tre-BUN-skaya), or stare dully during the critiques, as if to say, "Why are you even attempting to mess with me and my methods? I have a hot, round butt'' (Maks).
Amazing Dance Moves
Granted, they're only occasionally the focus of the show (refer to Fringe Benefits for what's really important), but when the celebrities break out out-of-this-world tricks -- like Mel B's four consecutive walking splits (bottom) or basically anything Kristi Yamaguchi (top) showed off in season 6 -- we're reminded of a major reason we watch ''DWTS'' in the first place. Splits!
They All Look Like Chicken Nuggets
Mandatory, seemingly daily spray-tanning sessions give everyone an orange, slightly murky sheen that one could previously only find in fried food. Sometimes we even have to see it happen, to ridiculous candidates like Springer or the already appropriately hued Jason Taylor. Why, producers? Why?
The Hostess with the...Most Hair
Samantha Harris is unintentionally funny. She's kinda awkward, has horrible timing, and generally just says inappropriate things all the time to people who she might not even be aware are next to her. It should be noted that the spectacle of Sam -- highlighted by her ''OMG I'm on TV!'' haze at the beginning of each telecast, is made palatable only by the greatest ballroom dancing reality show ad-libber ever, the always intentionally funny Tom Bergeron. Together, they're an odd delight. Still, I want Samantha's job. And the hair.
Wacky Freestyles
At the end of every season, each couple attempts a no-holds-barred (and, for that matter not much time spent ''in hold'') freestyle routine, meant to show the judges how funky they can be. Sometimes it works -- everyone remembers Apolo and Julianne's hip-hop to ''Bust a Move'' and Drew and Cheryl's romp in the hay during which they encouraged the viewing public to save a horsie by riding a fuel-efficient cowboy instead. Others, like Marie Osmond's freaky doll dance (pictured), just left viewers agape. Why didn't the doll come alive? We'll never know. But that's okay!
Edyta's Insistence on Leg Warmers
Saved this one for last because it's pretty embarrassing, and I wanted to ensure that the fewest people would read it. Why oh why do these leg warmers fascinate me so? Is it that I'm obsessed with Edyta in general? Edyta's legs? Leg warmers themselves? It's all just really difficult to grasp and something I've been working through for years. I'm going to stop now. No, really. Would you look at those calves?
Source: EW.com
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