The much ballyhooed return to Beverly Hills' famous zip code in 2008 was marred with "90210's" lackluster execution and characterization.
Some changes for the better have already taken place for the second season: The writing staff has been overhauled; there's an infusion of fresh faces to offer better love interests; and the annoying character Annie (Shenae Grimes) will face ostracism early on.
It's not genius, but it's a start.
Not to worry though, we're here to navigate where "90210" misstepped and how it can move forward to a happier, healthier and still campy life ahead. Are you paying attention, producers?
Step 1: Rehire Jason Priestley
The episode "Off the Rails," in which Silver (Jessica Stroup) goes missing and learns she is manic-depressive has some of the best opening 10 minutes on TV, all thanks to guest director Jason Priestley. The balance of energy, humor, and cleverness built to a crescendo of excitement that surprised jaded viewers. And while Priestley's on set, you can always secretly tape him in his comeback as Brandon.
Step 2: Give us a real celebrity guest star
Forget "Beverly Hills, 90210" alums playing older versions of their '90s characters. Forget Rumer Willis. If you want new eyes on the show, get a relatively big name that people unfamiliar with "90210" will actually tune in for. And for the record, we like new cast member John Schneider, but we doubt that he's enough of a draw.
Step 3: Cool it with the frenemies bit
Okay, Annie and Naomi (AnnaLynne McCord) can still hate each other, but let's make the rest of the girls' friendships more believable, shall we? After all, they're supposed to be chumming it up this season. With all the backstabbing going on the first season, we're surprised that the ladies don't have more developed biceps.
Step 4: Give Navid some cojones
Yes, cojones -- both figurative and literal. Although we love him with Adrianna (Jessica Lowndes), Navid (Michael Steger) needs to man up first, perhaps even spend time with someone else to lose his V-card. Eventually, a little worldliness and confidence will equalize their experience and they can get back together. As it stands now, Adrianna has the upper hand, and Navid needs some hand of his own.
Step 5: Let one of the girls get fat
Although obesity is on the rise, you'd never be able to tell judging from the "90210" girls. Already lanky and coltish, these emaciated "teens" can't be doing much for the self-esteem and realistic body image of our country's youth. So yes, break out the craft services and allow one of the girls to pack on the pounds and fill out a size ... 4. Double digits would be better, but we're trying to take it easy on them.
Step 6: Give Mr. Matthews a little direction
Mr. Matthews' (Ryan Eggold) character can definitely benefit from a little focus, especially in the love department. He had, what, three or four different mini-relationships the first season? Oh, and we know he has an interest in Jen (Sara Foster) -- who is a psychopath. Once he's free of her clutches, let's give him something to do. We like him. He has potential. We just don't know why the hell he's on the show.
Step 7: Give us a break from Annie
We don't care if Annie is already getting shunned when the second season begins. Give the Annie-hating viewers a bigger respite. We're only asking for a semester or two away as a foreign exchange student. Upon her return, she can wax philosophical about how she's more worldly, show off her tamed 'do and and then apologize for being boring and annoying at the same time.
Step 8: Give us 'shippers something to root for
There really needs to be a power couple on the show we really want to be together. Navid and Adrianna? Okay, but not exciting. Dixon (Tristan Wilds) and Silver? Cute, but eh, especially after she went all Patty Duke on him and then kissed Ethan. We really can't seem to care about anyone's dating relationships. Creating a combo name like Bluck (Blair and Chuck) never even crossed our minds.
Step 9: Let Adrianna act
Okay, so Adrianna got sidetracked by the whole rehab and baby thing, but how about getting her back into the acting game? It's so quintessentially LA, how can the show NOT exploit ready-made plotlines like auditions, missing school, landing an embarrassing commercial, attending red carpet premieres and of course the possibility of guest stars.
Step 10: Let the parents fade into the background
Who? Yeah, we thought so too. Really, no one will notice. Drunk grandmas can return anytime though.
Step 11: Be consistent
We get it. You switch things up so it won't be boring. Unfortunately, constant changes mean that character development falls by the wayside. So, stick to your guns and see a full story arc through for several episodes, not just two. Also, take the time to develop friendships. Flip-flopping too frequently or trying to make us buy that the guys are close enough to throw Navid a party when they haven't hung out at all, just makes us give up paying attention.
Step 12: Let Naomi go full-on crazy
Yes, yes, we know we said to be consistent, but Naomi is a special case. Her love-to-hate trait is that she can always be predictably crazy amidst all those other consistent schmoes. She is the sister of crazy Jen after all. May we suggest a very special episode about Naomi's addiction to plastic surgery? It starts with a chemical peel here and there and then goes wildly out of control. This idea has twofold merit: 1) Underage cosmetic surgery is on the rise and should be addressed and 2) This keeps the show open for recasting down the line.
Watch a preview of the new season:
Talk About It: How would you fix "90210"?
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