(Television Without Pity) — Oh, "Gossip Girl"... how we will miss all of your drama, fabulous clothing (especially those completely decorative velvet headbands that every fangirl just had to purchase), and ridiculous portrayals of human beings. Before the final season kicks off, here's where we'd like to think each character will be years down the road:
After Humphrey publishes his nonfiction book about his life teetering on the edges of the in crowd (as opposed to his other fictionalized book about the exact same thing), he is offered a television writing gig for a new show that parallels his own high school years set on the West Coast. Dan ends up as the It Boy in Los Angeles, and in between his palling around with Bret Easton Ellis and developing a prescription drug problem, he has just enough time to ignore Vanessa's daily Facebook friend requests.
Serena van der Woodsen
After realizing that all of her friends are going to go out and get jobs and have actual, grown-up-people lives, Serena van der Woodsen decides to put her only skills to good use and calls up a soon-to-be-retired Diana Payne for a job in her "escort" service. After Serena blackmails her with photos of Diana's dozens of trysts with much younger men, Diana is forced to hand her title of Head Madam to Serena. Now, Serena spends her time blackmailing wealthy businessmen and politicians for their use of her services. She is having so much fun that she forgets why she ever made an attempt at being a good person all those years ago.
Blair Waldorf becomes head of her mother's fashion empire and wins back Chuck only to realize that her grand fantasies about their romance were definitely better in her head -- really, how good can piano sex be after the fiftieth time? Realizing that Chuck's daddy issues were holding her back, she decides to rekindle with her first love, the emotionally stable Nate. They marry out of convenience -- mostly because Nate could give her tons of free advertising in his magazine empire, not to mention a connection by marriage to the Kennedys -- but end up falling in love for real. They have two darling children (who Dorota exclusively cares for) named after Audrey Hepburn characters.
Chuck Bass finally wins back his hotel, but seriously regresses in the process as he had to backstab literally everyone he ever knew in order to do so. When he realizes that Blair isn't just taking "a weekend trip" to Paris -- and that she really left him for his best friend -- he goes a tad bit Howard Hughes and locks himself in the Empire for years, living off of hotel mints and the occasional bagel from room service. He is presumed dead, but sometimes, in the middle of night in the city, people claim to hear a man scream, "I am CHUCK BASS!"
After watching his friends fall apart over their terrible life choices, Nate decides that he is going to dump all his girlfriends and focus on taking his magazine career seriously. He is able to inexplicably sell his tabloid to Condé Nast for an exorbitant sum and then buys out several magazines over at Hearst. After some convincing, he finally agrees to marry Blair and as much as he has grown to re-love her, he secretly holds a torch for his blond, dippy assistant who may or may not be a relative of the van der Woodsens. Some things just never change.
Get a sneak peek at the final season of "Gossip Girl" right here:
Lily Rhodes-van der Woodsen-Bass-Humphrey and Rufus Humphrey
Lily and Rufus divorce and decide to stay out of one another's lives for good, which lasts about 15 seconds. After staying bored, single and drunk for a couple of years, Lily decides to crash Rufus's wedding to a stable, kind-hearted accountant that Rufus had met on Match.com, which reminds him of how much he really loved Lily. Rufus tells Lily he'll only take her back after a long stint in emotional rehab, and it actually works. The two of them now live in a hippie commune in upstate New York and are strangely happy with the simple life. The community worships Rufus's music -- finally! -- and believes that Lily's inability to age was a gift bestowed onto her from the spirits of the earth and not her very skilled plastic surgeon.
Georgina leaves New York City for good when her husband takes a job working across the country. Her manipulative personality and lack of attention paid to her kid Milo quickly scores her a reality TV gig on "The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills," and she works her way up to series regular by her second season. Milo runs away from home a lot and has daddy issues that rival that of Chuck Bass, but Georgina barely notices in between her many medical procedures and reunion shows.
Eric van der Woodsen
After spending one final, very awkward holiday in the city, Eric decides that he's officially done with his family and moves to Europe with the inheritance money he got from CeCe. He drops the "Woodsen" part of his name and bounces around for a while selling his designer sweater collection for extra cash until he meets an adorable English singer-songwriter. The two move into a flat in London and even let Jenny stay with them from time to time, even though he's fully aware that she's stealing from them.
After spending years living with her very anti-New York parents in Vermont, Vanessa suddenly realizes why everyone hates her granola-hipster shtick. Hoping to reinvent herself, she moves into Rufus's empty loft in Brooklyn and takes a job as an art teacher at Constance Billard. She hopes that her art will inspire the spoiled UES girls, but her only real interaction with her students comes from them dumping yogurt onto her head. In true Vanessa form, she's completely oblivious to the fact that the kids hate her, and as a special Friday treat, she allows them to watch her NYU documentaries while their pottery dries.
After flunking out of fashion school, Jenny decides to "find herself" and backpack through Europe for a couple of years. She is eventually signed by a London modeling agency, only to be fired shortly afterwards for refusing to take off her raccoon makeup. Broke and jobless, Jenny becomes a permanent couch cruiser. She has dreams of starting a goth punk band, but soon realizes that no one wants to hear her sing, ever. She is currently dating one of The Black Keys, but she constantly forgets which one it is.
The mysterious blogger tires of her Upper East Side beat after the old gang scatters and realizes she needs to find a new location in order to freshen up her site. Gossip Girl moves to a small town outside of Philadelphia and quickly finds the perfect new group of girls to harass -- only to discover that they might not be the easily manipulated pushovers she was used to.
The final season of "Gossip Girl" premieres Monday, 10/8 at 9 PM on The CW.
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