Waiter, there's a model in my salad (Nikos Papadopoulos/The CW/Pottle Productions Inc)It was an all-star season for "America's Next Top Model," so we thought all of the ladies might be self-aware and behave themselves. Or, that after 16 cycles, Tyra Banks might have run out of bizarre photo shoot ideas. Luckily, we worried for nothing, as both the girls and Tyra really delivered the ridiculous goods.
In addition to trying to make "booty tooch" happen, Tyra introduced us to her alter ego Tookie. Tookie is the main character in her book "Modelland," and she's obsessed with whipped cream and likes to suck on the thumbs of boys while the smell of blood oranges fills the air. During one particularly uncomfortable shoot, she directed the girls in her usual monomaniacal style in a motion editorial about Tookie. It was beyond the trippy craziness we're used to from Tyra.
That's "Top Model" backward, in case you couldn't figure it out. Not only did Tyra make the girls write their own songs ("I Be Like Whoa," FTW!) and star in their own videos, she and Internet sensation Keenan Cahill also squeezed their way in with their own "tributes" to these contestants' songs. It was definitely... different.
Bikini vs. Underwear, Part 1
During their initial challenge, Shannon freaked out when a stylist wanted to put her in a pair of panties. Now, we're not talking a thong, here -- these were ginormous by granny panty standards and had ruffles for days. No private-part exposure happening with those on. But she refused on principle and instead wore an itty bitty bikini bottom -- and let's just say we could tell if she waxed.
Bikini vs. Underwear, Part 2
The girls had another underwear challenge (this time posing in a Greek salad), and Shannon decided to abstain. Even though the underwear looked like a swimsuit. And an athletic swimsuit at that. So posing in a skimpy bikini is OK, but wearing a full-bottom undergarment is worth getting yourself kicked off the show. We be like what?
It's All Greek to Me
The girls had to pose in a giant bowl of Greek salad. And drizzle dressing on themselves. And try to be seductive and model-like while holding blocks of feta and kneeling in wilted lettuce. We're pretty sure it wasn't a fever dream -- unless you're Laura, who was basically on her deathbed during the shoot.
Hogging the Credit
Despite every reality show on the planet having done an all-star edition, Tyra claims this was her novel idea because the ex-contestants begged her to be on the show. We even watched her have a nightmarish dream where she was haunted by the unemployed models of yesteryear.
Everyone Gets Branded
To make this show even more stereotypical, Tyra decided to saddle each girl with a brand identity that they would have to carry with them all season long. That would have been somewhat tolerable, but as the season wore on, the girls tried to stick to their brands but Tyra and the panel clearly forgot about that aspect and would tell the models to break out of their ruts. Make up your minds, people.
In the Pink
The ladies had to do a photo shoot for Pink's hot dogs. It involved a lot of chewing with mouths open. Disgusting beyond belief.
Ooh, That Smell
The ladies had to use those aforementioned brands and personas to create their own signature fragrance, which is great because we've always wondered what Stank smelled like. Then they had to pose in bathtubs and offer up fragrance samples, preparing them for their inevitable futures at their local Macy's counters.
The girls had to model while dressed up as notable reality TV stars Snooki ("Jersey Shore") and NeNe ("Real Housewives of Atlanta") and pose on the back of a motorcycle on a flatbed. So much fake tan. So much.
Be Like Mike
Tyra's obsession with turning white people black continued in the challenge where everyone had to dress like Michael Jackson -- in various stages of his life and pigmentation. LaToya may have loved it, but we mostly cringed in horror.
Hold the Phone
There was only one really great fight this season, and naturally it was courtesy of Bianca. And mostly because she was the only one capable of being able to do math properly and figure out how many phone minutes each girl should be allotted. Don't try telling that to Shannon or Lisa, though.
The season finale of "America's Next Top Model" airs Wednesday, 12/7 at 9pm ET on The CW.
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