The "Shore" kids ran wild in Italy last night (MTV)
The Passport Photo Shoots
Everyone needed passports to go on this journey abroad, but they couldn't just get pictures done like normal people. No, Snooki had to don a bedazzled cowboy hat, Deena bent over to have her ass photographed, and Ronnie just showed off his guns. If that doesn't get you stopped at security and strip-searched, we don't know what will.
Snooki Is a Hilariously Bad Driver
We've seen Snooki's poor skills behind the wheel before, but now she's the only girl in the house who can drive stick. So we got to see her trying for 12 hours to fix the seat ('cause she's so little, get it?), then navigating around with an Italian GPS, and then nearly running the good people of Florence over with her giant vehicle.
Other Cultures Are So Confusing
They don't sell bronzer, or at least J-Woww is concerned that the Italians might not stock tan in a can in the mass quantities she needs to give her skin that healthy neon glow. Pauly D and Sammi spent most of the time getting their plugs converted so that they could use straightening irons and blow-dryers. And Vinny just marveled at the bidet.
Tiny People with Large Quantities of Luggage = Physical Comedy Gold
Snooki had luggage piled high up to the sky as she aimlessly wandered through the airport searching for a place to convert her currency. And then all that luggage and four girls had to squeeze into a little car.
Tiny People Falling Down = Physical Comedy Platinum
Deena took a header in the airport and ended up sprawled face-down on the floor. Later this season, we'll get to see her fall off a bridge. We're sensing a ridiculously painful (for her; for us, it's just fun) theme here.
Awkward Makeout Sessions
Since MTV obviously realized that more of Ronnie and Sammi's relationship crap would make us vomit, they filmed the Situation now having "romantic feelings" for the newly toned Snooki, which led him to try to make out with her in a club. Then Deena decided to tongue-wrestle with Pauly D. The height differences in both scenarios were something to marvel at.
Italian for Dummies
The Situation, Pauly, and Ronnie didn't bother learning any conversational Italian on the plane ride over, so they all had to rely on Vinnie to translate their embarrassing pickup lines. And then they got shot down. Dudes, you've got to up your games. What if you anger Vinnie and he starts telling grenades that you are into them?
[Related: How the "Shore" Cast Got Their Nicknames]
So, wait, are J-Woww's implants bigger or smaller? We're very confused by the conversation that she had with Snooki and Sammi. One thing's for sure, though: She is a shadow of her former self... and not in a good way. Sammi and Snooki then discussed getting implants together; that's totally just like going to the bathroom together.
When Birds Attack
Because there was time to kill, we had to see the girls chatting while birds flew around. Cue the necessary freak-out.
You Better Work Out
Snooki is obsessed with the gym (there are worse things) and does exercises wherever and whenever she can now. Too bad that most of her workouts seem to involve a great deal of pelvic thrusts. What muscles is she trying to tone, exactly?
So, will this season be watchable? Possibly, but now that everyone is so self-aware and playing up their known images so much, it's hard to imagine that anything will actually be "real." Still, we're holding out hope that someone throws someone else's stuff down those two flights of stairs in an alcohol-induced rage. Fingers crossed.
More from Television Without Pity:
- 'Jersey Shore': Life Lessons from the Show
- 'Glee': The Spinoffs We Want to See
- What If 'Teen Mom' Met 'Teen Wolf'?
What did you think of last night's premiere? Pump your fist in the comments.