The Entire Universe is a Conspiracy to Make You Watch ‘Downton Abbey’

I have a horrifying confession to make: I have not watched one minute of "Downton Abbey" yet. Even though I love British TV the most. Even though it's so incredibly short. Even though, you know, my job. Even with, especially even with, all of the social pressure! If this were seventh grade, "Downton Abbey" would be Guess? jeans, only instead of not having "Downton Abbey" because my parents refuse to buy it for me because it's too expensive, I haven't watched "Downton Abbey" because I want to watch it with friends and when my friends come over and I say "Hey, do you want to drink wine and watch 'Downton Abbey,' pleeeeease," they all say no. (To "Abbey," not the wine.) It's just not a very sexy sell as a group-viewing show, you know? (Meanwhile, everyone will watch "Bachelor Pad" with me, no problem.)

Anyway, today Deadline reports that "Downton Abbey" now holds the Guinness World Record for "Highest critical review ratings for a TV show" and I'm just like are you kidding me? I didn't even know that distinction existed, but rather than make me want to watch "Downton Abbey" more, it really just makes me want to dig in my heels and continue to not watch because of free will. I am the captain of my own ship, "Downton Abbey"! I am an American! And I really hate non-"Mad Men" period shows, to be honest, even though everyone says I'll like it anyway. If this were seventh grade, I'd buy a giant irregular pair of the Guess? jeans that are "Downton Abbeys" on 90% clearance and sew the label onto the Wal Mart brand cheap jeans that is the Food Network's "Sandra Lee: Semi-Homemade" and everyone would find out and make fun of me.

I should mention that while I refuse to grow up and do my TV-homework, my esteemed colleague Tara Ariano has the "Abbey" beat covered.