'The Bachelor': Was That the Awkwardest Kiss Ever?!
With all the uproar over Juan Pablo's controversial comments this week about a gay "Bachelor" (he's since apologized, sort of), it's easy to forget what this show is really about: A bunch of girls fighting over one guy.
Seriously, though — "The Bachelor" has been on for about half as long as some of these women have been alive. And yet, they're whining about the fact that the guy they're dating is also dating a dozen other girls.
Um, that's kind of what this show is all about.
And someone is crying about sharing #TheBachelor. Seriously, have these women never seen this show? Have they been living in a cave?
— Yahoo TV (@YahooTV) January 21, 2014
It happens every season, but it still confounds us. Most of the contestants not only have seen the show, they're fans of the leads. Some of the women applied because the "Bachelor" was Juan Pablo. So, they should know the drill.
Yet, Clare and Sharleen go through varying levels of a breakdown because they can't deal with that very situation.
Speaking of Sharleen — wow, her kiss with Juan Pablo in the middle of the soccer pitch was maybe the strangest, grossest single moment in "Bachelor" franchise history. We're surprised Chris Harrison didn't do some kind of voiceover.
Most. Awkward. Kiss. Ever. In. The. History. Of. #TheBachelor. (Sharleen and Juan Pablo)
— Yahoo TV (@YahooTV) January 21, 2014
When you kiss the same way you throw up, you shouldn't have any confidence in your relationship. #TheBachelor
— J.P. Rosenbaum (@JP_Rosenbaum) January 21, 2014
We're going to have nightmares tonight!
On to the rest of the episode …
One-on-Ones: Cassandra and Chelsie
Juan Pablo has two one-on-one dates this week, and the first is with Cassandra, the 21-year-old single mom. She throws her age into our faces every chance she gets, repeatedly reminding viewers that she hasn't had a date in three years (at the age of 18). Just shut up.
Seriously, if Cassandra says "I haven't done ___ in three years, when I was 18," one more time, we're going nuclear #TheBachelor
— Yahoo TV (@YahooTV) January 21, 2014
The two take a drive, that soon turns into a boating trip! Cool — a car that turns into a boat! Later, Juan Pablo takes Cass to his house, where they cook, look at his daughter's paintings, and dance the salsa.
Does it feel like Juan Pablo is just using this entire season to audition for #DancingWiththeStars? Amirite? #TheBachelor
— Yahoo TV (@YahooTV) January 21, 2014
Cassandra gets a rose (she deserves one for suffering through that dance attempt).
Juan Pablo's second one-on-one date is with Chelsie, who can best be described as … uh … yeah, we're struggling with that one. She doesn't have a lot of personality. Oh wait, she's super-scared of bungee jumping on her date!
It's unclear if she's scared of heights, or just afraid to barf, because they just downed a bunch of arepas.
It's never a good idea to eat a bunch of food before you bungee jump. #IfYouAreGoingToSpewSpewInThis #TheBachelor
— Ted Boyd (@Greenmarketguy) January 21, 2014
Chelsie finally gets the courage to jump, and then she and Juan Pablo kiss upside down. (Cue our rolling eyes.) Later, he takes her to a private concert by Billy Currington. They dance, they kiss, and Chelsie gets a rose.
Group Date: Are You Ready for Some Fútbol?
Shocker — one of Juan Pablo's group dates this season involves the sport he once played professionally!
Tonight on #TheBachelor The group date no Juan saw coming... Soccer #mindblown
— Cammie Coker (@Cammie_LeAnn) January 21, 2014
The girls have a grand ol' time playing some footie. Um … not. Sharleen repeatedly gets hit in the face (click here to read J.P. Rosenbaum's naughty tweet about that!).
Later, Juan Pablo tries to console her with a kiss as they sit in the middle of the field where all the other women can see them. First of all, Juan, didn't Sean Lowe tell you to avoid doing that? Second, Sharleen might be the worst kisser in history. We're not quite sure what that was, but "kiss" doesn't adequately describe it.
Juan Pablo and that girl kissing just now #TheBachelor pic.twitter.com/RRORA7JGgw
— Annie Zangari (@datsillyginger) January 21, 2014
But despite that strange mouth action, and his kiss with Andi in the stadium's kitchen, Juan Pablo gives the rose to Nikki/Ali Fedotowsky/Legolas.
Nikki is an @AliFedotowsky doppelgänger, yes? #TheBachelor
— Yahoo TV (@YahooTV) January 21, 2014
Pool Party!
Here's a first in "Bachelor" history (maybe): Juan Pablo drops by the women's house early to make breakfast for them! And damn — the guy knows his way around the kitchen!
OK, that breakfast does look tasty. Juan Pablo can cook. #TheBachelor
— Yahoo TV (@YahooTV) January 21, 2014
Not only that, he invites the women to a pool party instead of a cocktail party, following in the steps of Desiree Hartsock. We like the fun, more casual vibe of the pool party, rather than the sometimes-stilted drama of the cocktail party.
Of course, that doesn't mean there's no drama. Some of the ladies throw hissy fits because they don't get enough time with Juan Pablo. Clare, who got the first one-one-one date, is suffering a crisis of confidence. So is Sharleen. (Guess she's realizing how awful that kiss was.)
Juan Pablo takes time to comfort and encourage them, and even kisses Sharleen again! Oh no!
#JotaPe has to wear a bib everytime he kisses sharleen. #drool #thebachelor
— J.P. Rosenbaum (@JP_Rosenbaum) January 21, 2014
When he's not talking down girls off the ledge, Renee is. She's become our favorite, just for her common sense and not-crazy attitude.
Pretty sure Renee is an undercover therapist ABC hired to keep the girls mildly sane #TheBachelor
— Brooke Eber (@BrookeeEbes) January 21, 2014
The Rose Ceremony
Well, the pool party is all fun and games, but it's time for business to take place. Juan Pablo gives roses to: Andi, Renee, Kelly, Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alison, Clare, Lauren, and Danielle.
That leaves out Christy and (gasp!) "free spirit" Lucy! Man, we're going to miss making fun of that occupation every week. Darn.
At least there's still "dog lover" Kelly. That'll be the gift that keeps on giving.
Frontrunner: Nikki. Juan Pablo has gone out of his way to give her time on group dates.
Quote of the Week: "Juan Pablo's head was in her crotch for 20 mins. You have to be aware that there are 14 other girls and you look like a whore." - Kelly
Awkward Moment of the Week: Sharleen and Juan Pablo's kiss on the soccer field. That's the awkward moment of the decade.
Crazy Moment of the Week: Elise telling 21-year-old Cassandra that 24-year-old Chelsie is too young for him.
VIP: Renee, again. She's the house's den mother and the only sane one.
Best Outfit: Andi's group date dress. Yeah, it had sequins, but it was tasteful.
Worst Outfit: Christy's sequin shorts. Now, that's how you don't bedazzle.
"The Bachelor" airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.