'The Bachelor': Was That the Awkwardest Kiss Ever?!

With all the uproar over Juan Pablo's controversial comments this week about a gay "Bachelor" (he's since apologized, sort of), it's easy to forget what this show is really about: A bunch of girls fighting over one guy.

Seriously, though — "The Bachelor" has been on for about half as long as some of these women have been alive. And yet, they're whining about the fact that the guy they're dating is also dating a dozen other girls.

Um, that's kind of what this show is all about.

It happens every season, but it still confounds us. Most of the contestants not only have seen the show, they're fans of the leads. Some of the women applied because the "Bachelor" was Juan Pablo. So, they should know the drill.

Yet, Clare and Sharleen go through varying levels of a breakdown because they can't deal with that very situation.

Speaking of Sharleen — wow, her kiss with Juan Pablo in the middle of the soccer pitch was maybe the strangest, grossest single moment in "Bachelor" franchise history. We're surprised Chris Harrison didn't do some kind of voiceover.

We're going to have nightmares tonight!

On to the rest of the episode …

One-on-Ones: Cassandra and Chelsie

Juan Pablo has two one-on-one dates this week, and the first is with Cassandra, the 21-year-old single mom. She throws her age into our faces every chance she gets, repeatedly reminding viewers that she hasn't had a date in three years (at the age of 18). Just shut up.

The two take a drive, that soon turns into a boating trip! Cool — a car that turns into a boat! Later, Juan Pablo takes Cass to his house, where they cook, look at his daughter's paintings, and dance the salsa.

Cassandra gets a rose (she deserves one for suffering through that dance attempt).

Juan Pablo's second one-on-one date is with Chelsie, who can best be described as … uh … yeah, we're struggling with that one. She doesn't have a lot of personality. Oh wait, she's super-scared of bungee jumping on her date!

It's unclear if she's scared of heights, or just afraid to barf, because they just downed a bunch of arepas.

Chelsie finally gets the courage to jump, and then she and Juan Pablo kiss upside down. (Cue our rolling eyes.) Later, he takes her to a private concert by Billy Currington. They dance, they kiss, and Chelsie gets a rose.

Group Date: Are You Ready for Some Fútbol?

Shocker — one of Juan Pablo's group dates this season involves the sport he once played professionally!

The girls have a grand ol' time playing some footie. Um … not. Sharleen repeatedly gets hit in the face (click here to read J.P. Rosenbaum's naughty tweet about that!).

Later, Juan Pablo tries to console her with a kiss as they sit in the middle of the field where all the other women can see them. First of all, Juan, didn't Sean Lowe tell you to avoid doing that? Second, Sharleen might be the worst kisser in history. We're not quite sure what that was, but "kiss" doesn't adequately describe it.

But despite that strange mouth action, and his kiss with Andi in the stadium's kitchen, Juan Pablo gives the rose to Nikki/Ali Fedotowsky/Legolas.

Pool Party!

Here's a first in "Bachelor" history (maybe): Juan Pablo drops by the women's house early to make breakfast for them! And damn — the guy knows his way around the kitchen!

Not only that, he invites the women to a pool party instead of a cocktail party, following in the steps of Desiree Hartsock. We like the fun, more casual vibe of the pool party, rather than the sometimes-stilted drama of the cocktail party.

Of course, that doesn't mean there's no drama. Some of the ladies throw hissy fits because they don't get enough time with Juan Pablo. Clare, who got the first one-one-one date, is suffering a crisis of confidence. So is Sharleen. (Guess she's realizing how awful that kiss was.)

Juan Pablo takes time to comfort and encourage them, and even kisses Sharleen again! Oh no!

When he's not talking down girls off the ledge, Renee is. She's become our favorite, just for her common sense and not-crazy attitude.

The Rose Ceremony

Well, the pool party is all fun and games, but it's time for business to take place. Juan Pablo gives roses to: Andi, Renee, Kelly, Sharleen, Elise, Kat, Alison, Clare, Lauren, and Danielle.

That leaves out Christy and (gasp!) "free spirit" Lucy! Man, we're going to miss making fun of that occupation every week. Darn.

At least there's still "dog lover" Kelly. That'll be the gift that keeps on giving.

 

Frontrunner: Nikki. Juan Pablo has gone out of his way to give her time on group dates.

Quote of the Week: "Juan Pablo's head was in her crotch for 20 mins. You have to be aware that there are 14 other girls and you look like a whore." - Kelly

Awkward Moment of the Week: Sharleen and Juan Pablo's kiss on the soccer field. That's the awkward moment of the decade.

Crazy Moment of the Week: Elise telling 21-year-old Cassandra that 24-year-old Chelsie is too young for him.

VIP: Renee, again. She's the house's den mother and the only sane one.

Best Outfit: Andi's group date dress. Yeah, it had sequins, but it was tasteful.

Worst Outfit: Christy's sequin shorts. Now, that's how you don't bedazzle.

"The Bachelor" airs Mondays at 8 p.m. on ABC.