The Freedom of Information act is a valuable tool for exposing corruption and keeping our government honest. Also, you can use it to see what ordinary folks are complaining to the FCC about, which is way more fun. They run the gamut from reasonable to absolutely bonkers.
Here are some of the silliest and/or saddest complaints from the last three years of "The Simpsons."
1. "One line was about whipping someone's toosh."
What? No! Shocking! "Toosh whipping" is right up there with "peeping at your tinky-winky" and "patting your bum bum" in terms of unacceptable vulgarities!
2. "Mr. Simpson was in his house totally nude & went outside naked while his neighbor was watering her grass."
Frankly, we've seen Homer Simpsons butt more than we've seen our own butts and it's been on TV for 25 years, so it's a little late to start complaining now.
3. "There's a scene were homer is in a meth lab and about to hit the merge pipe."
"Merge pipe"? Did we miss that episode of "Breaking Bad"?
4. "The 'God' character referring to Satan as 'the big guy downstairs' is highly offensive."
If God fetching Satan a cup of coffee doesn't clue you in to the joke (the episode is essentially Ned Flanders' worst nightmare), then you should probably read the Bible passage (or possibly an issue of TV Guide, we forget which) where Jesus says, "Dude, just change the channel. There's probably a 'Dawson's Creek' rerun on somewhere right now."
5. "I was shocked to see sexual violence when a cartoon character of an Israeli girl was using her knee to repeatedly strike a boy's (Bart Simpson) groin."
Can we save the "sexual violence" talk for actual sexual violence and call knees to the groin what they really are? "Nature's most perfect slapstick joke"?
6. "Homer Simpson is imagining unpleasant things that could happen while being uninsured. Among the things Homer was also imagining was Marge Simpson having a lesbian kiss with another woman."
So, is the complaint about the kiss or the lack of insurance? Either way, we're pretty sure it's ObamaCare's fault.
7. "There was an episode of the Simpsons that featured marijuana leaves being fed to a train as fuel. This is very concerning since it glamorizes drug use to children."
Technically, it glamorizes stuffing marijuana into a train furnace, so you only need to worry if your kids are spending way too much time down at the Amtrak station.
8. "The show Simpsons had 'Moe' character kissing Katy Perry's 'bellybutton.'"
That looks like a euphemism for something else, but no, this person is mad that Moe's kissing Katy Perry's navel, so we're going to file it with the complaints about "dresses that show too much ankle" and "women wearing pants".
9. "'Marge! Marge! Marge! Or is that? Kelly! Kelly! Kelly! Oh, I wanted the Magilla Gorilla!' was said on the Simpsons also."
Apparently, "Kelly" thinks the show stole that line from him/her while he/she was homeless and the conspiracy involves Tyler Perry and Craig "Furguson," so let's file this one with the "moon landing hoax" and "George W. Bush is actually an alien lizard" entries.
10. "Language used was the concern. Talking about taking a poop, found this offensive. Another was having to take a pee, found offensive as well. Need to use better language as in the past when language was more pure."
Search for "Shakespeare scatological humor." Go on, we'll wait. You'll be at it a while because he talked about poop and pee constantly.
11. "I Would Make 20th Century Fox Film Corporation Take This Evil Show Off The Air Only To Get Small Wonder Back Onto The Channel Every Sunday Night."
We're not sure, but the capitalization suggests this is not a complaint, but the title of this person's screenplay.
12. "'The Simpsons' depicted Lisa Simpson kicking Bart Simpson in the groin leaving him lying on the floor in sexual agony."
Men: a quick show of hands for anybody who's felt sexual agony after being kicked in the groin? Nobody? OK, how about regular agony? Oh, everybody? So this person is probably projecting weird stuff onto a cartoon? OK, thanks.
13. "I was disgusted to see the Simpsons make light of the tragic sinking and subsequent horrific experiences of the survivor's of the USS Indianapolis [in 1945]."
Other off-limits topics: the Hindenburg, the Black Death, the meteor that killed the dinosaurs.
14. "The caller wants to report that he heard them use the 'A' word."
Apple? Anaconda? '90s Spanish tennis sensation Arantxa Sánchez Vicario? Which word are you mad about? Be more specific!
"The Simpsons" air Sundays at 8 p.m. on Fox.
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