Caged!
Updated 2005-10-14 17:00:00
Previously on Charmed, the Glamorous Idiots officially became the Glamoured Glamorous Idiots so Piper and Phoebe could go shopping, and wacky hijinks involving mirrors and Los Angeles Amazons and heroin-addicted Dutch serial killers and flat-chested variations on the Amanda Peet theme ensued; The Lippy Spastic met The Retarded Bimbo; Vex Pexter looked very sad indeed at Phoebe's phaux memorial service; Vex Pexter looked very vapid indeed when he met Phoebe's glamoured self in the elevator at All The News That's Fit To ***** Me; Elise Rothman, Girl Editor looked very stupid indeed when she consulted Vex Pexter for staffing advice and so hired Phoebe's glamoured self to take over the advice column; and Phoebe and her beaver-pelted forearms soon resumed their reign of terror over the Bay Area's newspaper-reading public.
Currently on Charmed, the rumors of poor, neglected Tiny Gay Chris's untimely evisceration at the hands of his older, bemulleted, dead-eyed, and evil brother seem to be confirmed when we fade up on the interior of The Patricia Campbell Hearst Commemorative Child-Care Nook, which has been turned back into a closet. Oh, Chris. They really do hate you on this show, don't they? The tiny gay corpse's wretched excuse for a mother is currently having a fashion crisis -- rather selfishly, given the fact that her psychotic elder son has finally managed to dispense with her adorable younger one. The cause of said selfish fashion crisis eventually makes itself clear through the seemingly endless babbling dialogue Piper shares with her bumbling Dolt of a husband and her lippy spastic of a half-sister: Piper, at Daddy Dearest Victor (Jones) Bennett's prompting, has scheduled an interview with "a corporate head-hunter." This should work out well for everyone involved. Never. Bright side? Since she's only doing this as a favor for her father, I can ignore what promises to be an excruciatingly lengthy, awkward, and ultimately pointless scene between Piper and the recruiter.
Piper, for whatever reason, continues to stall, mentioning in passing her as-yet-unresolved Issue Of Last Week -- the one that involved her unease with sitting on her lazy ass while dark demonic forces sent from the flaming maw of Hell continue to plague mankind -- before the Dolt and The Lippy Spastic testily assure her that they, in addition to The Retarded Bimbo who's "studying" up in the nonexistent attic, have everything well in hand. Piper blinks and, twitching her upper lip like Samantha on Bewitched, spins to examine her glamoured self in the Bridal Boudoir's full-length antique mirror. "I just wish I didn't feel like such a fraud," she sighs, and you might feel like less of a fraud if you were able to synch up your overdubbing with your glamoured self's lip movements, honey, but that could just be me being a little too picky, here. "All you have to do," Raige advises while crossing to Piper's side, "is remember the you that's on the inside, okay?" "Besides," she continues as the shot cuts to the reflection so we might learn to our utter shock and confusion that Rose McGowan, of all people, is far better at the overdubbing thing than anyone else in the cast, "who's going to figure it out, Jenny?" The Spritely Tinkle Of Impending Wacky Wiccan Hijinks glissades across the soundtrack as the camera bounces outdoors to take in the Manor's sun-drenched façade before zipping across the city...