Chuck Versus The First Date
Updated 2008-09-30 09:34:32
Yay! Chuck is back! Remember last season? Yeah, it was a long time ago. Let's take a trip down memory lane...Wait. This season isn't opening with a gentle stroll reminding us what happened previously. Nope. There is just our poor antagonist being dangled off a building by a Michael Clarke Duncan look-alike. Oh, wait. That is Michael Clarke Duncan. And why shouldn't it be Michael Clarke Duncan. What else does he have to do? And this is quality primetime television. Good on ya, Michael Clarke Duncan! Chuck shouts out, "I have the Cipher!" Michael Clarke Duncan pulls Chuck up by the corporate-issued Buy More tie to discuss terms. He demands that Chuck tell him who he is. Chuck mumbles, "Chuck." Michael Clarke Duncan insists that Chuck tell him everything. Chuck voiceovers that there is no way that Michael Clarke Duncan is going to believe him. I mean who would believe that the government would put all their secrets into a supercomputer called The Intersect and, ah, here's our turnoff to Memory Lane, all the secrets got downloaded into his mop-headed brain. Can a brain be mop-headed? Today it can. Chuck tells Michael Clarke Duncan that he may not look like it, but he is the single most important information asset in the entire world. Michael Clarke Duncan is impressed. Impressed with the colossal stupidity of such a tale. Luckily, Sarah and Casey bust down the door to back up his story. Michael Clarke Duncan jumps out the window as Sarah chastises Chuck for not staying in the car. Chuck and the entire viewing audience from last season remind Sarah that it's not safe in the car. Casey is just glad that Chuck got the cipher.
Back at HQ, which is currently housed in Casey's apartment, Gen. Candyman and General Redhead thank the team for getting the Cipher back since it turns out to be the brain for the new Intersect. New Intersect? Chuck looks freaked. Gen. Candyman tells him that once the new Intersect is up and running, Operation Chuck is over and Chuck can go back to his normal life. Chuck gets squirrelly and leaves the apartment with Sarah trailing after him. She asks if he is okay and he is. He really is. He is ready to get on with his life. Sarah gets all mushy and sentimental and tells him that he could do anything he wanted and get anything he wants. Aw she's just toying with him now. Chuck looks googly-eyed. Meanwhile, Casey is receiving a private message from General Redhead. She points out the obvious fact that they can't have an Intersect walking the streets of Los Angeles. Don't worry, General, no one walks in L.A. Casey thinks there maybe a different exit strategy, but General Redhead is clear: Tomorrow Casey must terminate Chuck. Wacky hijinks sure to ensue!
Chuck's alarm clock goes off at seven and he jumps out of bed to the dulcet tones of (Ugh) Huey Lewis. It's "Hip to be Square," which I suppose is apt, but, damn, now that song is going to be stuck in my head for the next twelve years. Chuck dances into the bathroom and into his sister and Awesome having a shower a deux. He screeches like a meerkat and runs out. At the breakfast table he congratulates Awesome on God's big gift (nudge nudge, wink wink) and opines that he really should get his own place. He really needs to get his life together. He shouldn't be working at the Buy More; he should get a job with a future. His sister is in gleeful shock. She is super excited and proud at his momentary spark of ambition and they keep talking about Tony Robbins who I will have to Google sooner or later. [Okay, I Googled him. He's an inspirational speaker. A walking Successory. I would have chuckled if I had known who he was.] Chuck heads out to the Buy More. The electric door to the Buy More swings open and Chuck looks at it with the eyes of a new man. A man who can do anything. He surveys the customers, the aisles, the Morgan. Sigh...I was sort of hoping Morgan was killed off during the hiatus, but there he is crouching like a Keebler Elf with some Fudge Stripes tucked somewhere uncomfortable. He pulls Chuck over to check out the blueprint for conquering a new video game. He has their strategy all mapped out and he is confident they will prevail! Instead of brushing him off like he did most of last season, Chuck calls him his hero and then brushes him off to go talk to Casey. Chuck attempts to thank Casey for saving him all the time, but Casey knocks him out of the way and yells at him for cock-blocking his attempts to sell merchandise to hot customers. Is that what the kids are calling it these days?
Big Mike calls Chuck into the office. Big Mike wants Chuck to be the assistant manager. Chuck with his new attitude and new ambition turns him down. His punishment (and ours) is that we have to watch him interview Skeevy, Grumpy, Dopey, and Drunk for the position. Morgan can't believe that Chuck would turn down such a powerful position in the Buy More family. Chuck confesses that he may not want to work there forever. Morgan blames Sarah for driving them apart. He understands it though. Sarah is hot. To prove this hotness, we cut to Sarah now working at Orange Orange, a yogurt shop. Actually, it's probably shoppe . She is wearing a tight orange tank top and is very unhygienically licking yogurt drippings off her fingers. Health Department would love that! She's so hot I'm surprised the yogurt doesn't melt. I am not nearly teenage-boy enough for this show. Chuck wanders in to the shoppe and sighs that he misses the Bavarian charm of the Wienerlicious. Sarah explains that her clothes smelled like sausage, which sounds really dirty. The new-and-improved Chuck mans up and asks her out on a real date. She says there are a million reasons she shouldn't go on a date with the guy she is employed (by the federal government) to protect, but Chuck changes her mind. It takes about half a second to convince her. Don't the taxpayers have enough to pay for without picking up the tab for a date?
Sarah gets ready for her big night out. We get gratuitous shots of her in her matching black lace underwear. Reminding me for the second time in two minutes that this show is totally geared towards seventeen-year old boys. Meanwhile Casey is preparing for his big night out of killing Chuck. Casey target practices on photos of bin Laden, Hitler, spares Reagan, and totally misses Chuck. Hmm. Does that mean Chuck and Reagan have something in common besides lovely locks? Does Casey love Chuck? Ho yay!
Chuck is ready to leave for his date, but his sister grabs him for a last second heart to heart. She wants to know if he has had any more revelations or big ideas about what he wants to be when he grows up. He suggests secret agent and she laughs. Ha ha, joke's on her, eh? Chuck wants to finish college and learn an obscure language and he definitely doesn't want to work at the Buy More for another week. She's impressed with his grown-upiness. To ward off any future signs of adulthood, Morgan shows up and asks Chuck to blow off his date in order to play video games. Chuck giggles. Of course he's going to ruin his one chance with Sarah to play a video game with Morgan. Of course he is!
There's a knock at Casey's door. He scans the deliveryman for weapons, checks his verification code and hands over the Cipher. When he notices that there is no back up the deliveryman gasses him. Uh oh! Do we suddenly have a need for two Intersects? Task accomplished, the deliveryman calls his contact. It's Michael Clarke Duncan. He tells the deliveryman that he has two more targets: Sarah and Chuck. Chuck rings Sarah's doorbell. As Chuck has promised no gun fights on this date, Sarah leaves her gun sitting on her dresser. The camera zooms in on it and stays there for about ten minutes. That's a lot of foreshadowing that is. Watch out for falling anvils!
Sarah and Chuck are on a date and Morgan comes up in the first ten minutes. Oh, Chuck. Mentioning Morgan on a first date is like mentioning your mother, your ex-girlfriend and your interest in ham radio operating rolled into one. Sarah scoffs and Chuck defends Morgan against Sarah's mild criticism. Chuck claims Morgan has always been supportive of their fake relationship and has always thought it plausible for a Nerd Herder like Chuck to be dating a smokin' hottress like Sarah. Sarah fishes for compliments like she's guest starring on Deadliest Catch and gets all weak in the knees while forcing Chuck to keep talking about how pretty and smart she is. Chuck wonders what Casey would think if he knew what they were doing. Sarah laughs, "It would probably kill him." Speaking of killing him, Casey is gassed and dying in his apartment. Ha ha! He struggles around, cracks open a portrait of Ronald Reagan revealing a stashed epi pen. He then pulls a cord and gives himself a cold shower in his hallway. I guess that was the best place to install an emergency shower in the event he got gassed in his own doorway? I guess this happens a lot to spies? Enough that if the contestants on Top Design were asked to design a room for a spy they should put an emergency shower in the living room? And why the long shot of the drain? I don't care if he ruins his wood floor with water damage. Anyway, refreshed from the shower, Casey jabs the epi pen into his chest. Yuck. Anyway, back to Sarah and Chuck! Sarah reminds Chuck that she doesn't get to choose her assignments. They are about to kiss when the Intersect in Chuck's head goes crazy. They are surrounded by mercenaries. Chuck asks Sarah if she has her gun. Doh! Uh oh, Scooby gang's in trouble!
The mercenaries are working for Michael Clarke Duncan, who enters the room clad in a black leather trenchcoat. He asks Chuck to come with him on the grounds that he is imposing and yet the people who hired him give him the heebie jeebies. That's enough of a threat for Chuck, but not for Sarah. She goes for the chopsticks, but Michael Clarke Duncan stops her with a one-two headlock thing. Just then a beep goes off on Chuck's watch. Michael Clarke Duncan asks what it is and Sarah chirps, "It's a homing device!" As soon as she totally gives away the fact that they have back up, Casey rams down the wall of the restaurant yelling, "Anyone order drive through?" Sarah and Casey jump into the car and take off under a barrage of gunfire. In the car Casey breaks it to Chuck that he is once again the Intersect. Chuck whimpers a little and Sarah swears they will find the Cipher.
It's seven a.m. and Chuck's alarm clock is once again playing Huey Lewis (time to change the radio station!), this time "Power of Love," but Chuck isn't in the mood. He isn't in the mood for Awesome. He isn't in the mood for breakfast. He isn't in the mood for choosing an assistant manager. I am not in the mood for that storyline either. Chuck nominates Morgan to be assistant manager, but Morgan refuses to work that hard. The interviews must go on. I need a drink. Chuck starts with Anna. Her resume is scented! She is still dating Morgan! She is rubbing Chuck's leg to make Morgan jealous! Barfy! Second interview is drunk old guy. He's a mess! He's been working at the Buy More since it opened! Third interview is skeevy Lester! He's skeevy! Luckily Casey barrels in to the break room to break up the tedium. He slams Morgan's face into the wall. Hee! I totally agree! The pattern of the cut on Casey's face sets off the Intersect again. It is all about Michael Clarke Duncan. Chuck kicks everyone out of the room to tell Casey his new information. He knows who Michael Clarke Duncan is. He knows where the gang hangs out. He knows where they are keeping the Cipher. He wants to jump in the car and go go go! Casey won't do it. He wants a tactical team and back up and all that boring responsible spy stuff. He may also be putting off getting the Cipher so he doesn't have to kill Chuck. But Chuck doesn't know that. Chuck confesses that he can't do the spy thing anymore. He wants a real life and he wants Casey to go back to being a real spy again. Casey looks a little hurt as he stomps out of the room to go get Sarah. Chuck follows him to the Olde Orange Orange Shoppe. In a remarkable flip flop, Chuck wants to go with the big kids to fight crime and do spy stuff. He wants to be Charles Carmichael Super Spy again. Casey and Sarah ignore him and tell him he is too small to ride this ride and go off to get the Cipher without him.
Meanwhile, Chuck left Morgan in charge of choosing a new assistant manager. Morgan, being more than mildly retarded, has decided to stage a cage fight to determine the winner. It's based on Thunderdome and it is almost funny. Chuck makes it back to the Buy More just in time for Big Mike to tell him that he has a computer emergency and has to go. They asked for Chuck specifically. I wonder who called? Sarah and Casey and their backup tactical unit storm the warehouse Chuck saw in his head. It's empty. Casey curses Chuck and Sarah thinks they may have been too slow. Chuck knocks on the door of his "computer emergency." It's Michael Clarke Duncan. Are you surprised? Me neither.
Casey tells Sarah to call Chuck because he has a "feeling." It's probably his first feeling ever. He should bronze it. Sarah tries Chuck on the cell. Nothing. She tries Buy More. She gets Morgan who bravely interrupts Thunderdome to answer. Chuck faces down Michael Clarke Duncan and asks about his computer trouble. Michael Clarke Duncan takes off his leather coat, hands it to a henchman, and starts cracking his knuckles, stretching, and getting limber. He is going to break Chuck's neck because he saw his face and heard his voice. Chuck gulps. He looks around and sees the Cipher, helpfully sitting in an open case on a table. As Michael Clarke Duncan talks smack about Chuck's friends being on his to-do list, about Chuck falling into a trap, and about Chuck dying, Chuck looks around nervously. Suddenly he has a thought. He turns away from the window he is mournfully staring out of and he has a new persona. He introduces himself as Charles Carmichael, CIA agent. He tells Michael Clarke Duncan that he didn't walk into a trap, Michael Clarke Duncan did. He has twenty-three troopers, seventeen snipers, four demolition experts, five sentries, and a partridge in a pear tree. Michael Clarke Duncan has no choice but to give up. Michael Clarke Duncan and his forty-two henchmen laugh. A few look out the window and declare the coast clear. Chuck laughs because of course the coast is clear, they're not the FBI. (Oh snap!) All Michael Clarke Duncan will see is a muzzleshot and a ticket to hell. Michael Clarke Duncan does not look amused. Inexplicably Chuck calls Morgan. He asks Morgan to recite the exact specs for the team surrounding the compound. Morgan recites: twenty-three troopers, seventeen snipers, four demolition experts, etc. etc. He adds that he got impatient and took out a sentry with a head shot so he couldn't report back. Hee! Morgan's entire existence now makes sense. Michael Clarke Duncan looks nervous. The henchmen look nervous. Chuck tells him to give up. Michael Clarke Duncan gives in on the premise that Chuck is either lying or crazy. With Michael Clarke Duncan and his henchman otherwise occupied, Chuck makes a break for it. He grabs the Cipher and runs.
Casey and Sarah are en route. They must have pieced together the trap. How they got the address out of Big Mike without blowing their covers is not to be discussed. Chuck runs through the abandoned building and smack dab into Michael Clarke Duncan. Michael Clarke Duncan shoves him out a window, picks him up and dangles him over the side of the building trying to get him to give up the Cipher. Which is exactly where we started this crazy romp. Right? Oh wait, wrong. See how they did that? That is down right clever. So once again Chuck is trying to barter with Michael Clarke Duncan, and once again Sarah shows up and points her gun at him. Michael Clarke Duncan has had enough of all this nonsense. He drops Chuck. Sarah's scream alerts Casey to the problem. He grabs Chuck's arm as he goes sailing by and swings him onto the fire escape. You would think at the least that would dislocate his arm, but I will suspend my disbelief. It's the first episode of the new season, after all. Sarah is so upset over Chuck's apparent death that she takes on Michael Clarke Duncan. He knocks the gun out her hand and they wrastle on the roof. Casey tells Chuck to scamper, but Chuck has to tell him he loves him! For saving him! Again! Casey ignores him and rushes off. Michael Clarke Duncan is so much bigger than Sarah that all the wrestling and fighting looks like a trip to her chiropractor. It almost looks like it feels good. Sarah finally gets dropped, but Casey is there as back up. Unfortunately, all forty-two of Michael Clarke Duncan' black-clad band of desperados are there too. Casey and Sarah are quickly surrounded. When all looks lost, Chuck breaks down the roof door with an entire swat team. They outnumber and out gun Michael Clarke Duncan and his team. Chuck even has the cipher! Chuck saves the day!
Casey is carefully pruning his beloved bonsai when General Redhead interrupts, causing him to mis-cut. No, not the bonsai! Anything but the bonsai! General Redhead reminds Casey that his mission remains the same: Terminate Chuck. Casey grumbles and Colonel Redhead calls him out on it. He explains that Chuck served his country with honor and could even have a future as an analyst with the CIA. General Candyman interrupts to say that unless Casey can guarantee that Chuck will never be kidnapped, tortured, maimed, etc. and the secrets in his head spilled, then Chuck must be terminated. He will die with honor. Casey does not look happy.
Ellie and Chuck are in the kitchen of their apartment. Chuck is planning on cooking Sarah dinner, Ellie is unsure about his cooking skills. Awesome and Ellie head out and I can't figure out the point of that scene except to give Ellie and Awesome some contractually obligated screen time. Chuck gets ready for dinner. Elsewhere, some anonymous Intelligence agents prepare the Cipher to be loaded into the Intersect. Meanwhile, Casey breaks into Chuck's apartment with a handgun fitted with a silencer. Chuck pours wine into the glasses because he likes dusty wine for his dates. The cipher is put into the Intersect. Ten men in black suits and sunglasses file into the room with the Intersect. They are joined by General Candyman. Casey creeps through Chuck's apartment. Chuck practices the speech he plans to make to Sarah. The men in sunglasses take off their sunglasses preparing to be loaded with Intersect data. General Candyman dons sunglasses to shield himself from the knowledge. The Intersect appears to be a Mac Classic with about 512k of memory. The Intersect is turned on. The lights and coded images fill the room. A message flashes on the screen: Fulcrum thanks you. The room explodes. No more General Candyman? Wait! Casey! Don't kill Chuck! He's the only Intersect left! Casey waits for his shot. Sarah rings the doorbell. When Chuck answers he knows something is wrong. Sarah explains that they have to call off the date because the Intersect was destroyed. The Cipher was merely a Trojan horse that destroyed everything the second it was engaged. Once again Chuck is the only Intersect. In the wings, Casey hears the news. He slinks away. Chuck is depressed.
At the Buy More, Lester harasses Chuck. He hasn't had any compliments about Chuck and in his mind that is the same thing as a complaint. As the assistant manager he is going to require more. Chuck and I ignore him. Morgan comes to cheer Chuck up. Chuck thought he was going places. He thought he was going to be somebody. Morgan knows Chuck will be going places, but before he goes he should know that Jeff just agreed to eat 90 Twinkies in three minutes. It's impossible. He could die. Chuck should really watch that. As Chuck hurries after Morgan, he sees Casey. He invites him to watch Jeff choke on a Twinkie and Casey jumps at the chance. Heh.
Is Chuck a nerd or a hottie? Peep the evidence and decide for yourself!