Age-Defying and Idolizing
One of our former Blind Vice femmes comes back on the scene, but less fresh-faced, and she knows it. This television gal tries to keep up with all the twenty-something's through some pretty painful procedures, while young H'wood is looking older 'n' older each daywe got that one covered, too! Geez, isn't anyone satisfied with their natural age? Besides Madonna? Or are the starlets just as pissed off as some former Idol hopefuls?
"David."
That was Simon Cowell's oh-so-cheeky response to us when we saw him backstage at the Nokia Theatre and asked whom he's rooting for—pre the big, stunning win for Mr. Cook. Do Americans not get British humor (pardon us, humour), or do we just not think Si-babe's all that hilarious?
There were former Idols of all shapes, sizes and seasons on the red carpet—it was like the C-list Grammys. Fantasia donned a gold minidress and a Ronald McDonald-inspired bob that managed to look even worse than her former black 'n' white dye job that gave skunks a bad name. Ruben Studdard looked big but beautiful in a swanky pinstriped suit, complete with some lady candy on his velvet teddy bear arm. Justin Guarini, his head still a Chia Pet's twin, soaked up the remains of his season-one status. We bet Kelly Clarkson's sick of getting text messages from Just-hon wanting to hang out. If J.G. wasn't sad enough a sight, we saw season six's running gag, Sanjaya, preening wildly on the carpet, which is at least better than hearing Sanjaya.
"We're at a reunion right now!" exclaimed season three's Jon Peter Lewis, who's def come a long way, style-wise, from his "Pen Salesman" audition days. "I'm afraid of getting stuffed in my locker."
Jonny P. made it to eighth place, so what can he offer us about the show we don't already know? "You think the show's over now, but when you get on the road, that's when the horse race really begins. That's when all the racing in the form of one-upping and jealousy starts. People see other contestants doing things and getting things, and you think, 'Hey, I wanna get that, too.' " Hmmm. Example being ex-exotic that dancer David Hernandez is most likely bitter that David Cook and David Archuleta got to dance around in their Skivvies in a Guitar Hero commercial and he didn't?
We wanna know how Idol's changed in the last few years, since Paula's ponderings are just as puzzling, Randy has yet to learn any new words and Simon's critiques are just as cruel. "They spent a lot less money [in season three] than they do now," says J.P.L. "We couldn't do Beatles songs; we couldn't do any songs on the Top 40. It was a bit harder back then...I tried to clear 'Hallelujah.' I couldn't sing that one. There were so many hurts this year." Ouch, must've pained him to see merman Jason Castro belt out the Jeff Buckley hit once again during the finale.
J.P. Lew isn't the only past contestant reeling from the reality comp's new changes. "I'm pissed!" says season six's Chris Sligh, the funny fella who we sorta think resembles a puggle. He didn't hold back the resentment of not being able to play any instruments last year. "I begged Nigel to let me play. Obviously I don't look like a pop star, but I know how to move with a guitar in my hand 'cause I've done it. It's what I've always done...So it was a little disappointing when the next year they could play instruments."
Gosh, what excuse did the producers give? "They just wanna be in control of it," bitched Sligh. "Their point was America wasn't ready for people to play their own instruments. Oh, so that's why people like John Mayer?" According to rumors running around various bodies of water, that's not the reason Jennifer Aniston likes J.M.
Chrissy S. seems to be full of opinions—just the way we like it. So what else should change about the show? "I'd like to see Chris Sligh as a judge," Sligh puffy-chest replied. "I think that'd be one of the best moves American Idol could ever make. I'm funny, I'm striking and let's be honest: Women want to be with me, and men want to be me."
Guy's quick with a joke...no wonder he was offered an HBO pilot, as he confided to us, tho he had to turn it down due to scheduling conflicts. TV's not such a bad idea for Idol alumni. We could totally see both David's doing a hipped-up Odd Couple kinda thang (babe-magnet David could cry about his latest lothario sitch on the shoulder of sympathetic David as he prepared his latest delicious meatloaf ...Can see it now!). Or maybe li'l Davey's dad could grab his own E! reality show about being a dadager? It sure wouldn't surprise us if the wheels weren't already in the works for that one. Must ask next time I see an E! exec in the can—always the best place to do biz.
More deelish dirt on the emerging Late couple. While Matty McConaughey was the fella who introduced Lance Armstrong and Kate Hudson, so I'm told by always dead-on Tejas sources. M2 was supposedly also the one pushin' the honeys together. Why's that, M.M.? Trying to get the attention off that gal you're "making a baby" with?
Now, knowing the habits of the on-again, mostly off-again Owen and Kate, M2—we here at A.T. central are assured—weighed in, saying that O has too much of a volatile personality for Ms. H, and that she would be far better off with the likings of Legs Lancelot. Uh, perhaps Matt needs some advice in the love arena, too? Our Austin, cupid busybodies tell us that while Matty's friends and fam are most happy for his their buxom boy's impending fatherhood, they aren't so keen on the baby's mama.
Some very close members of Camp Double Em, we hear, think McConaughey's in for "a world of hurt down the road." Now, jeez, I don't know much about the preggers Camila Alves, and here in Hell-Ay no news is not necessarily good news.
What up, Camy-love? You a heartbreaker, just like Matthew?
With surgeries galore as ho-hum as a stint in rehab here in H'wood, it's no wonder stars get a little confused when it comes to looking and acting their age. While many middle-aged actresses go to great lengths to conserve their adolescence, there seems to be more confusion with the young-uns losin' their youth right before our eyes. They look decades ahead of their time but act like they should still be in Daddy Day Care. Why the rush to grow up, babes? And knowing how confusing all this latter-day Lolita crap is for everybody, henceforth is a handy guide, call it the Lollipopped Poll (we'll be utilizing this new department often, trust):
Real Age: 15
Looks Like: Legal
Acts Like: A 4-year old playing with mommy's makeup
Real Age: 21
Looks Like: 46
Acts Like: 12, with a fake ID
Real Age: 20
Looks Like: 28
Acts Like: Dita Von Teese
Real Age: 24
Looks Like: 52
Acts Like: A zombie
Ali Lohan
Real Age: 14
Looks Like: A 45-year-old divorcée. In other words, Dina Lohan
Acts Like: Her sister
Ouch! Boob-tube terror Traceless Turncoat is back and bitchier than ever! Only this time, her hurtful machinations or more inwardly turned. Wait until you hear what this broad does to look more voluptuous—haven't heard this kind of idiocy since Marlene Dietrich took a needle and thread to her forehead!
Not-so-nice note to readers: Sorry for the legal holiday, dolls, but we're off Monday. Back up bitchier than evuh Tuesday. Oh, guess what: two friggin' Blind Vices next week to make up for the bother!
Copyright © 2008 E! Online, Inc. All rights reserved.