"Today": Want an apartment that has sweeping views, a full kitchen, and a bathroom, with weekly maid service? Well don't call your real estate agent, call your local university! The new trend in dorms is to go luxurious and offer amenities like pools, gyms, and high-end cafeterias to lure prospective students. I'm a little jealous (because these places are way nicer than my apartment) but hey, it's nothing but good college memories for me, my Bon Jovi posters, and cinder-block shelves. Wait, that's what my bedroom looks like today!
"GMA": "GMA" had a Darwin Awards ceremony for some insurance fraud all-stars ... guys who got caught doing extreme sports while collecting workman's comp. The guy who nursed his bad back by skydiving and posting pics on Facebook was pretty good, but I think my favorite was the Connecticut prison guard who raked in disability paychecks for a sore leg, only to get caught on tape running a "drag race" - yep, in a skirt and high heels - trying to win a contest from a radio station. Hey, that reminds me - these pumps gave me a blister ... I'm taking the rest of the day off. If you need me, I'll be at the bungee jumping range.
"Regis and Kelly": Regis and Kelly might have welcomed him onto the show as Ted Danson, but he'll always be Sam Malone to me. The former "Cheers" star is now on THREE shows AND his daughter is a rising pop star! Wow, not bad for the former Red Sox pitcher. I wonder if he knows that Woody is currently fighting zombies or that Frasier changed his name to Hank?!
"The Young and the Restless": Abby and Daisy tried to stay under the radar as Victoria stormed into the bar and slapped Billy across the face. Oh Billy, maybe you should keep your exclusive badmouthing articles to yourself! Then he went to a grave, cried a little while drinking a beer, and then went to Chloe's and kissed her. That is one busy Halloween, Billy Boy!
"Martha": Martha welcomed guest Susie Essman to the show today. In Susie's book, she says that you can tell what kind of guy you are dating by the kind of dog they have. Apparently you want a guy who loves a Shar-Pei because if he loves all those wrinkles he is really going to love all your cellulite. In other news, I just started my own website looking for Shar-Pei singles.
"Ellen": Ellen is already well-known for out-Oprah-ing Oprah in the audience giveaway department. But of course, it's quantity over quality. You don't hear too many free-car keys a-janglin' on Ellen's set, but today she gave out PlayStation 3s to everyone in the house and, just for fun, she kicked off something called "Doughvember," which she promised to be a month of cash giveaways. First up, the "Cash Cannon," which is a lot like it sounds. I can't wait to see how they top this! Exploding ATMs? The Cash-a-pult? A Cash-zooka? Hmmm ... my money's on some kind of quarter-spitting Zamboni.
Watch "Daytime in No Time" right now and e-mail me at daytimeinnotime@yahoo.com.
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Monday: Allen B.® Zebra Print Ruffle Neck Dress
With off-shoulder styling and fabulous ruffles, this Allen B.® zebra-print dress is a must-have.