Everybody Ought to Have a Maid
Updated 2009-10-26 08:35:26
Previously : Karl and Bree had an affair. Mrs. McCluskey got a boyfriend. Katherine went crazy. Julie was attacked, and Danny Bolen was suspected, so his mom told him where they keep the family gun. But Julie had secrets: She'd been dating Danny's dad, Nick.
We open on Gaby checking her mail and judging everyone around her: strangers' clothes, neighbors' lawns, and Bob and Lee fighting in their yard. Mary Alice tells us that we judge people all the time, never knowing that someday we might be the ones judged. Gaby walks back in the house as Juanita and a friend tumble to the bottom of the stairs in a suitcase. Gaby asks what she told Juanita about sliding down the stairs in a suitcase, and Juanita says, "Not to use the good suitcase." Heh. Gaby's like, "Right, but also not to do it at all." Just then the other girl's mom comes in and wonders how Gaby could let this happen. Gaby says they were playing, and she can't watch them every second, but the mother (Deb of One Tree Hill fame) tells Gaby she watches Juanita carefully when she's at her house, and basically that Gaby's a terrible, neglectful mother and she's not bringing her daughter over anymore. Which is fine with Gaby, since Juanita only invited Rachel over out of pity. Laura says Rachel won't be coming to Juanita's birthday party, either, and Gaby says that just leaves more cake for them. Laura takes her daughter and leaves, and Gaby yells after her that if she'd taught her daughter to tuck and roll on impact, they wouldn't even be having this conversation. Mary Alice tells us that, in addition to judging, we also tend to blame other for our mistakes. Opening titles.
Mary Alice narrates as Julie arrives home to a welcome-home party. She's greeted by children with signs (MJ), housewives with desserts (Lynette and Gaby), and old friends with flowers (some random twentysomethings). Also in the crowd was a new friend (Nick/Dominick), who came with an agenda. Inside at the party, Julie thanks some friends for coming and is left alone. Nick seizes the opportunity to accost her, and beg to go somewhere quiet to talk. She tells him that's not happening anymore. She calls him "Dominick" and tells him in no uncertain terms that it's over. Then she uses Mrs. McCluskey as an excuse to leave him. He looks over and sees that Danny saw the whole conversation. Danny takes off.
Bree arrives at the party, apologizing to Susan for being late. She's just been so busy with the three parties she has this weekend. When Gaby asks why Katherine isn't helping, Bree explains that Katherine went crazy, so she fired her . She also adds that Katherine then intentionally scratched her car, but doesn't tell them that all the crazy has been about Mike. Angie says that she flipped Katherine the bird after she cut her off the other day, but she won't make that mistake again now that she knows how crazy she is. Bree thinks Katherine needs help, but Gaby thinks she's just a drama queen. Lynette says that if she is in trouble and they don't do anything, it's like Mary Alice all over again. Susan has a hard time feeling sorry for her, and Angie can see why after the stunt at the wedding. Bree's like, "True. And how she hit on Mike." Lynette's like, "What?!" And Susan's body language makes it clear she didn't know that either, but she pretends she does and then takes off to find Mike. He tells her he didn't want to upset her with Julie in the hospital, and that it doesn't matter. But she says it matters because now she knows Katherine is plotting, not hurting. Mike tells her she doesn't want to pour gasoline on this fire, and she says he's right. She wants to pour gasoline on Katherine and, if he loves her, he will give her a match and an alibi. Could Susan be more snarky and less whiny all the time, please? I like her like this. He tells her to let Katherine plot, because Susan means everything to him and Katherine means nothing. She says that's sweet, and she'll go tell Katherine, but he pulls her back into a kiss.
Danny's brooding outside when Nick approaches and asks him if he'd like to talk about it. Surprisingly, Danny's not thrilled at the thought of a father-son chat about his dad's philandering. Then he yells about how stupid he felt, getting into a big fight with Julie because he didn't believe she had a boyfriend and thought she was just blowing him off. Then he followed her and saw her with Nick, who apologizes and says it's over. Danny tells him that if he ever sees them together again, he'll tell his mom. Nick gets all creepy and says that if Danny wants to tell Angie, let's go do it right now. Danny's like, "What?" But Nick says Danny can't dangle that axe over his head, because finding out Nick had an affair won't destroy her, but finding out Danny knew about it will. Danny's like, "Right, I'm the bad guy." And Nick starts, "You think your mom's the perfect one in this marriage?" But we don't get to know where he might have gone with that, because Angie interrupts to tell them there's cake. She asks what's up, and they say they were just having a father-son chat. She buys it, despite their broody faces, and says, "That's my boys." They go inside for cake, but not before more father-son glaring.
Lynette's. Mrs. McCluskey comes over and asks Lynette if she's ever let her down, and Lynette brings up two examples off the top of her head before Mrs. McC decides to try a new way into the conversation. She just jumps in, telling Lynette that she has a problem with Roy: He has a fixed income so can't take Mrs. McC out to dinner, and it makes him sulky. She's hoping Lynette and Tom could hire him a few hours a week as a handyman so he'll have a little walking-around money. Lynette's not sure, so Mrs. McC decides TMI is the best approach, saying that when Roy's spirits are droopy, the problem's global. "Get the picture?" Lynette says the problem is actually getting rid of the picture. Lynette says she doesn't know because of their friendship, but Mrs. McC points out that if she were that good of a friend, would she put Lynette in this position, and Lynette says he's hired. Mrs. McC tells her she'll never know what she's doing for her sex life, and Lynette says, "Good." And I second that.
Motor Lodge. Karl and Bree get all snuggly before they leave, because Karl thinks it's cute how much Bree's come to like this place, so much that she gets sad to leave. The housekeeper interrupts their not-cute making cute and they tip her and leave. But Bree comes back because she lost an earring. She asks the maid to help her find it, and she's happy to. Then Orson calls and Bree lies to him, saying she's at the supermarket. But when he tells her he bought groceries, she says she'll put everything back and then come home. She gets off the phone and the maid gives her the earring she found, and Bree goes to get her another tip for the help. The maid snarks that it's all right; she's sure Bree's eager to get home to her husband. Bree looks shocked that someone would talk to her like that. But I'm more shocked that someone like Bree would be so obvious about an affair, even to a maid at a Motor Lodge.
Gaby gets off the phone with yet another mother calling to say her child isn't coming to Juanita's party. She complains to Carlos that all of these mothers are lying because Laura's out there spreading her poison, telling everyone their kids aren't safe at Gaby's. Carlos points out that Juanita will be heartbroken if no one comes to her party, but Gaby says they'll come. "We just have to build it. That's all." Carlos realizes this is going to cost him a lot of money, and she tells him this is about their children, so could he shut up and give her money. He asks if it might be easier to just watch the kids while they play. Gaby: "Did you just say that to my face?" He gives her his whole wallet.
Bree's. Orson's serving a fancy dinner he made, and he tells a boring story about how the man at one store tried to sell him shrimp! This is Bree's opportunity to agree that service people these days are so annoying. She liked them better when they were polite and deferential and didn't sneer right in your face. She tells him she had an irksome encounter herself, and when he asks where, she says it was at a café where a waitress was rude and superior. Orson: "Superior? To you?" He says she should have whipped out a copy of her bestselling cookbook like she did in the mall food court the other day. (Right. As if Bree's ever been to a mall food court. Or even a mall.) She says this woman wouldn't have been impressed, but he says she sure put that pretzel vendor in his place. He asks if she frequents this café often, and she says as often as she can. He tells her to clear the air next time she's there, demand a little courtesy. She thinks she will do that tomorrow. He enjoys this sharing a meal and talking about their days. He offers to make her a meal tomorrow, too, instead of the café, but she says she wants something "a bit spicier." Man, she is mean. I know that he's blackmailing her, but somehow I still like him more.
Scavo's. Tom's showing Lynette a drawer Roy fixed. Now it opens and closes, which it apparently didn't before. She's happy, too, and asks Roy if he'll build flower boxes for their bedroom windows. Tom says their window is fine, but maybe not the kids, since they will never water them. She says she'll remind them. He brings up how they kill goldfish, but she says they're getting flower boxes and tells Roy to start on them. Roy asks Tom if he's okay with this, and he says he is, but it's too late: That Roy would ask the question stopped Lynette in her tracks. Roy goes to measure the windows and Lynette asks what in the hell just happened with the whole Roy going over her head to Tom. She glares, and Tom shows her the working drawer again. Cute.
Gaby shows up at some sort of children's event in the park, where Laura and a couple other mothers are setting up a picnic. Gaby apologizes for what she said to Laura the other day and thinks they both said things they didn't mean. Laura appreciates it, so Gaby asks if Rachel can come to the party now. Laura's still not sure about that, so Gaby starts talking loudly about the party: the balloons and the clown. Rachel gets excited at the thought of the clown, and says she wants to come. Her mom tells her she's not sure about that, and asks Gaby what the hell she's doing. Gaby says she was just answering the girls' questions, and goes on to talk about the bouncy house. The girls all freak out and the mothers get mad at Gaby, who calls Juanita, saying they have to get bananas so the guests have something to feed the monkey. The girls shriek and Laura glares as Gaby leaves. Commercials, including the latest episode of Another Housewife . I can't bring myself to care.
Motor Lodge. Bree enters a room that the judgmental maid is cleaning. When the maid asks if Bree needs something in her room, Bree says she came here to see her, actually. The maid makes a joke, based on her Jamaican accent, that she doesn't have any weed to sell, but Bree's not interested in ganja (can you imagine?!). She says she came to tell her she didn't appreciate her disdainful look yesterday. The maid says she has 12 rooms to clean so no time to argue. Bree offers to help clean, then. The maid says she won't look at her anymore, but Bree says she shouldn't make snap judgments, because if she knew more about her marriage, she'd see her very differently. The maid says she doesn't need to know about her marriage, but Bree says she does if she's going to judge. She tells her that her husband is a controlling ex-con and she's practically his prisoner. The maid says he's a good man, which she knows because he went shopping for her. She'd give anything to have a man do her shopping for her, but Bree's just sneaking off with her boyfriend. Bree asks who the maid is to judge, since she can't even make hospital corners. The maid asks if she'd like her to say that cheating's not a sin if you do it in pearls. She tells Bree that they're done here, unless she'd like to clean the toilet. Bree leaves.
Scavo's. Lynette finds Roy working on the flower boxes, compliments them, and then gives him a birdhouse to hang and tells him which tree she'd like it in. He takes it and walks toward a different tree. She hollers after him, and he says Tom wanted it in this other tree. She says Tom probably forgot that the sprinklers go off where Tom wanted it, so he can hang it where she says. She leaves and Roy gets on his phone. She realizes he's talking to Tom and storms over. He gets off the phone, and tells her she's everywhere and they should get her a bell. He says he called Tom to see if he's okay with it, since he's the man of the house. Lynette knows that since Roy's using a cell phone, he knows what century it is, but to clarify: He doesn't have to check with Tom. Roy says he prefers to treat Tom with a little respect. "Just because you like crunching his walnuts doesn't mean I do." She assures him Tom's walnuts are intact, and then tells Roy to leave. Roy says he wants to hang the birdhouse first, and Tom didn't care where, so she wins. Lynette storms after him and tells him to leave, but he says he promised Tom he'd do it. She grabs the birdhouse and throws it down, shattering it. Roy tells her he'd clean it up, but she just fired him.
Julie's outside staring at the recycling bins where her attack occurred when Danny comes up. It scares her and he apologizes, saying he should have realized that would scare her. He tells her that some people thought it was him, but she says she knows it wasn't him. He asks if the guy she was seeing might have had something to do with it, but she says "he's not that kind of guy." He asks if she has any idea, and she says she doesn't so she can't really sleep. He thinks he has something to help, and he digs his parents' gun out of a box of money and other secret things in their drawer.
Scavo's. Mike's leading a neighborhood watch meeting as Susan stands next to him, watching Katherine make come-to-mama faces at him. Mike introduces Susan to talk about patrol duty, but she's still watching Katherine in shock. Finally she walks up to the front and makes out with Mike in front of the neighborhood. Angie asks Nick what she's patrolling for, Mike's tonsils? Ba-dump-bump. Katherine looks disgusted. Susan says there is one shift that still needs volunteers. Lee raises his hand, but Bob whispers Project Runway , so he drops his hand. Katherine's raising her hand, and even waving it, but Susan ignores her and selects two others. The meeting's adjourned and Mike tells Susan he has to go unclog someone's drain. She kisses him again, and he tells her he's not sure Katherine saw that one, so let's do it once more. She kisses him again and he leaves.
Katherine approaches her and wonders why Susan ignored her raised hand. Susan says she was just trying to pick people who could best protect the neighborhood. She says Katherine can't because she's a big, fat liar. Katherine's all, "Excuse ME?!" Susan asks if she's not going around telling people Mike hit on her, and Katherine says she knows Susan's under some strain, but this isn't really the place to air her dirty laundry. Susan says Katherine's the one with dirty laundry; hers is clean, folded, and put away, "you loon." Bree tries to break it up, but Katherine tells them all that first Susan called her a liar and now she's calling her a loon. Katherine says she understands why Susan's upset; she'd be on edge too if her marriage were having problems. Susan gets in her face and says the only problem she and Mike have is Katherine, so "stay out of our lives, or you'll be sorry." Katherine wonders where Mike went if they're so happy. Susan says, "He's snaking a lady's drain, okay?" Everyone looks at her, and she's like, "I realize how that sounded. Get your minds out of the gutter." Sorry, Susan. Not going to happen.
Juanita's party. Laura's dropping Rachel off, and worrying whether she should actually leave Rachel. Gaby tells her not to worry, but Laura turns to Susan and asks if she'll be here. Susan nods yes, so Laura leaves. But first she gives Gaby a terrible glare. Gaby asks Susan for reassurance that she's a good mom, and Susan says she brought her kid, didn't she? Gaby agrees she did, but then realizes, "But wait. You're staying." Susan goes to get a drink. Gaby sees Juanita's pouting and asks what's wrong. She says the monkey's being put away, because he's tired. Gaby approaches the monkey trainer and says no way, since she paid for two hours. The trainer says the monkey's tired because he had two parties the previous day. The clown says to let the monkey go; he can handle this gig. But Gaby needs the monkey to make this the greatest party ever, so she forces him to stay on, by threatening that the monkey will never work in this town again if he doesn't stay on.
Motor Lodge. The maid comes in to Bree's room and asks if she called for a light bulb. She puts it in the lamp Bree tells her to and asks Bree if her boyfriend stood her up. Bree says no way; he just called and is on his way. The maid tells Bree if she finishes her magazine, there's a Bible in the nightstand. Before she can leave, Bree asks the maid if her husband cheated on her once or all the time. She says she has been wondering what would make a woman so quick to judge anyone who has an affair and then she realized her husband must have had an affair. Or, you know, she just doesn't like cheaters. I don't think you have to have been cheated on to feel that way. The maid storms out, and then comes right back. She tells Bree her husband was the best man she ever knew, but he wasn't good enough for her, so she cheated like Bree, wanting fun and excitement. She says it was a real good time, and asks Bree if she's having a good time. Bree says she is, so the maid tells her to enjoy it while it lasts. It didn't last long for her, and afterward, she didn't have a husband or boyfriend. And now she sees women doing this all the time, and she just gives them a look. Bree apologizes that her affair ended badly, but that doesn't mean hers will. She goes to the bathroom to wash her hands or something, and the maid follows. She asks if Bree ever feels guilty. Bree says no, but then turns to the maid and says, "Yes. All right. Yes, I feel guilty all the time." When she comes home to Orson and there's such love and hope in his eyes. She wants to shake him and tell him to stop loving her, since she's not worth it anymore. The maid asks if she doesn't want to be worth it again. Bree's teary-eyed, but Karl enters then. He sees the serious conversation and asks if there's a problem. The maid says, "No sir. Just turning on a light." That's a little on-the-nose, but I sort of liked it anyway. I like that maid character and hope she comes back.
Casa de Solis. Susan hands Gaby a margarita on the front porch and says that now it's a kids' party. Gaby's still mopey until Susan talks her out of it, and then Gaby gets overly confident about how great of a time the kids are having. On cue, the kids all run out from the backyard shrieking. Gaby's like, "They're loud" and yells for them quiet down. Susan sees MJ run by and asks what's wrong. He tells her the monkey's killing the clown. Gaby jumps up and runs to the backyard, where we hear shrieking, see clown feet behind a table, and see the monkey trainer running by telling Gaby he has to get his tranquilizer gun. He blames the lack of a nap, and the clown popping a balloon in his face. The monkey comes out from the behind the table with the clown's wig torn into pieces. The clown groans. Later, Laura's storming off with Rachel as Gaby says she was there every minute and it's not her fault she got a homicidal monkey. The clown goes by on a stretcher, groaning. Laura's horrified and gives Gaby a final glare.
Scavo's. Tom doesn't get why Lynette fired Roy since he was putting the birdhouse where she wanted it. She says it's not about that; it's about Roy saying she emasculates Tom. Tom's impressed: "He said that?" She says he actually went with a more nut-cracking analogy. Tom says he's funny, but Lynette says he's not and this would be a good time for him to say she isn't a castrating bitch. He says, "Sure. Just put down the knife first." She glares, and he's like, "Wow. We are not laughing at this at all, huh?" She says no, and he tells her they're great and wonders why she cares what Roy thinks. He kisses her, and she says it bugs her that Roy's judging her. He gets chicken out of the freezer and she tells him to just get burgers from the garage. He puts the chicken back and heads to the garage. Which is open, so he sees Roy on his front porch. He heads over.
On the porch, Roy tells Tom if this is about him getting into it with Lynette, he has to apologize first. He says he knows times have changed, but a man's still a man and Tom deserves to have his wife respect him. Tom says she respects him plenty, and Roy scoffs. Tom sits down and says Lynette grew up without a dad and her mom was a drinker so she had to be responsible for everyone. Roy says that's rough, and Tom says it is and it left her with a constant fear that everything could suddenly fall apart, which is why she needs to control everything. He says she can't, of course, but she can control him, if he lets her. So he does. Because it makes her feel safe, and that's his job as her husband. Roy tells him he's a good man. I couldn't agree more. That's pretty much the sweetest thing ever. He says he tries, and goes to fetch Lynette's burgers.
Casa de Solis. Carlos tells Gaby to stop beating herself up, it wasn't that bad. She says, "A monkey almost killed a clown. That is the definition of a bad children's party." He laughs. She says Laura's right: She's a terrible mom. Carlos says he's not expert at raising children or anything, but "when all those other kids ran screaming for their moms Juanita jumped in the bouncy house and zipped it up and Celia played dead. Those girls are smart." Gaby agrees they're quick on their feet, and he says they wouldn't be if she'd been hovering over them their whole lives. "They have learned to be independent and resourceful. And that is thanks to your negligence." She says that's so sweet, and then we hear a thud down the stairs, followed by a little girl's "Ow." Gaby yells, "That better not be the good suitcase!" Oh, the Solises are awesome.
Susan's in bed when Julie yells, "Mom!" Susan jumps up in a panic and runs downstairs, where she finds Julie with a gun. She says someone's outside, and since Mike's on a job, they're both freaked out. Susan takes the gun away from Julie and asks what she's thinking. They see a shadow and duck. Susan asks if it's loaded (it is). They walk to the window and Susan yells that she has a gun and has called the police. Susan looks out the window and sees someone, then falls back in shock and fires the gun. She looks out the window and Katherine's lying there. She sits up with a blood streak on her arm, and says, "You shot me!" Commercials.
Julie and Susan run outside, as Susan tells Katherine the gun just went off and asks if she's all right. Katherine: "You tried to kill me!" Susan: "Oh. I just shot you. Let's not be throwing accusations around." Julie says it looks like it just grazed her and there's not much blood. Bob and Lee come out and ask what happened, and Katherine tells them Susan shot her and to call the police. Lee's like, "I told you she would snap. It's always the pretty ones." Susan insists it was an accident. Katherine wants Bob to be her lawyer, but Susan calls him as her lawyer and waves the gun around. Bob and Lee put their hands in the air. Hee. Bree and Orson come out, since they heard a gun go off. Katherine tells them Susan shot her. It never gets old watching the neighbors react to that. Bree's like, "Susan!" Susan says she didn't know it was her, and wonders why she was sneaking around. Speaking of sneaking, Nick joins the melee about then. Katherine says she was on neighborhood watch, filling in for Tom, who had to study. Susan says Katherine should have checked with her, which Katherine says she was trying to do when Susan shot her. Nick tells everyone to calm down and says he's going to go call an ambulance. Orson picks up the gun and says they should probably unload it before someone else gets hurt. He hands it to his wife and says, "Bree, dear?" She unloads it with skill, obviously tickling Orson.
Bolens. Nick comes in and says Susan just shot Katherine. Angie smiles, "What?!" Nick says she's okay, but freaked out. Angie says she didn't peg Susan as a gun owner, and Danny says, "Oh, crap." Nick is about to dial but that stops him. They listen to Danny explain that he gave the gun to Julie for protection. Nick says that gun is under their real name, and what if they trace it back to them? Angie says they're not going to let that happen.
Back outside, Katherine tells Susan she's going to jail for this, since everyone heard her threaten Katherine at the meeting. Susan says, "Oh, please. If I were going to kill you, I wouldn't do it in my own front yard. I'd sneak into your house and shoot you while you were asleep." Katherine looks around, like, "Anyone?" And they all look sort of in awe at Susan, who says, "Not that I'd ever do that." Katherine storms off, saying she's going home to call the police. Nick and Angie come out then and Angie heads to Katherine's with her, offering to clean up the wound. She says the ambulance is on its way. Inside, Angie bandages the wound, and when Katherine tries to call the police, Angie pulls the phone away and tells her not to move. Katherine thinks Angie's crazy, but Angie takes a smarter position. She tells Katherine she sees the way Mike looks at her. But she says she needs to take the high road, since Susan's MJ's mom. And if she does that, Susan will look like a monster and she'll look like a saint. Katherine loves this. Nick shows up and asks how they're doing. Katherine's fine, and when Nick flashes the gun at Angie, she agrees with Katherine and says they won't be needing the ambulance anymore. Angie heads back out to the chattering group. Susan asks if she's going to jail. Angie says she's not calling anybody. She was a little worked up, but they talked and it will be okay.
Katherine's in her window, looking out, as Mary Alice begins her closing narration. "It is in our nature to judge the people around us. If they ignore our wishes, we believe they are disrespectful." We see Roy, back to work for Lynette, who watches him skeptically. "If they don't watch their children, we conclude they are unfit parents." Laura watches as Juanita and Celia wrestle in the park and Gaby talks on her phone, paying no attention. "If we catch them cheating, we assume we know their reasons." Danny watches his mom and dad leave the house. "But what happens when we finally stop for a moment to judge our own lives?" Bree's in the hotel, looking at the Bible in the nightstand drawer. "It can be painful to step back and see what we've been doing." Karl takes off his shirt, and as Bree gets up to kiss him, Mary Alice closes, "And even more painful to realize we have no intention of stopping." So, Bree's storyline, which was actually poignant, meant nothing? Thanks for that, show.
Next week: Susan says, "I shot her!" Everyone's wearing black. Karl proposes to Bree. Katherine says she's going to the police. Angie says, "That woman is dangerous." Susan and Katherine wrestle and fall into a big tub of bubble-bath water. How convenient for that to be right where two women get into it. Tom's drunk. Bree tells Orson she doesn't like PDA, and he's all, "Duh." Gaby tells Carlos she knows someone who isn't getting "blanked" tonight, and he says, "Fine with me. I blanked off earlier." This show's getting all funny again. I like that.
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DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, understands the need to control things. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com .