Never Judge A Lady By Her Lover
Updated 2009-10-12 08:06:16
Previously : John told Gaby he was getting married. Bree's marriage fell apart, since Orson blackmailed her into staying married. So she started cheating with Karl. Lynette told Susan she's pregnant, but she hasn't told anyone else yet. Julie was attacked, and Danny was arrested. His mom told him to keep his mouth shut. Susan watched him be arrested, and looked sort of smug for someone who has a daughter in the hospital.
Mary Alice's voiceover begins by talking about how there's a certain type of woman in the suburbs: a housewife. She doesn't bother trying to be beautiful, because it's a waste of time. As she finished that sentence, we see Gaby, who's hair's up in a messy bun (but not an intentionally messy bun; more like a messy clip-up, actually), get hit by some food that Juanita was aiming for Celia. She asks Ana for help, but Ana just increases her iPod volume. It's a tight ship Gaby and Carlos are running. As they're eating, it becomes clear they're at a restaurant, and a familiar voice says, "Gaby?" An older-looking, hotter-than-ever John walks up. He makes small talk and then tells them he owns the restaurant, and he's divorced. He can't believe they have kids. He pretends to see the family resemblance between Ana and Gaby, and then makes a snide comment at Carlos's expense when he finds out she's actually on Carlos's side of the family. Carlos says he'd like some bread, please, and John leaves. Gaby takes her hair down and makes herself look all pretty as Carlos watches, all, "What the hell, woman?!" Mary Alice finishes that this certain woman in the suburbs doesn't try to look beautiful unless she has someone to look beautiful for. And that "someone" is apparently not her husband. Opening titles.
Mary Alice continues that on Wisteria, every day begins with a cup of coffee (as opposed to... where, exactly?). Some need it to wake up (a very sleepy, mussed-looking Katherine). Some have it with their morning paper (Tom). Some drink it on their way to work (Carlos fills a thermos). Some just want something to hold in their hands while they gossip in the street. Lynette, Susan and Gaby gossip about Danny seeming so nice, other than the whole choking-Julie incident. Susan's just glad they caught the guy. Then Bob drives up with Danny and Angie. Susan crosses the street and asks Bob what the hell Danny's doing free. Bob says the police had no grounds to hold him, and then Susan asks if Bob's his lawyer. Bob says he loves Julie, but there's no proof Danny did it. She says what about the fact that he faked an alibi? Angie steps in and says he's a scared kid. Susan tells Bob she doesn't know how he sleeps at night and then, when Angie asks if they can talk about it, Susan yells to the whole street that Angie's son tried to kill her daughter, and as long as he's free, no one on the street is safe.
Karl feeds Bree a burrito for breakfast at their Motor Lodge, which she finds disgusting (the burrito... but, actually, probably the lodge too). She'd like a croissant or something even fancier than that. Karl throws her on the bed and kisses her, and asks if she'd like him to book this place tomorrow. She has an event -- and, on second thought, he does too -- so he asks if she wants to go to Vegas for the weekend. She says she doesn't see them having romantic getaways, since that's what a woman does with someone she's in love with. He gets sullen, agreeing they don't have those types of feelings. But she says he is a delightful diversion, and they shouldn't make demands on one another. They're drinking coffee, and they bicker about him grabbing his own sugar instead of making a demand. But, really, it's just to show us that, you know, they drink coffee on Wisteria (or in Motor Lodges, if they live on Wisteria).
Lynette sets a cup of coffee on the table, where she's sitting with Tom to tell the kids about the pregnancy. She leads that she's pregnant with twins. (Beat.) Then Parker asks if she's going to be, like, the world's oldest mom. Then Porter stands up and lectures them about how they've destroyed their futures for a few minutes of pleasure (it's actually awesome, because Tom's in college, so it gets to sound just like a parent lecturing a teenage boy who got his girlfriend pregnant). Porter leaves, and Parker adds that it's totally gross they're still doing it at their age. Then he leaves, too. They ask Penny if she's happy about it, and she says if the twins are boys, she's out of here. That's another tight parenting ship on this show.
Bob's drinking coffee (get it?) as he's questioning the Bolens on what the police might find in their background. Angie keeps deflecting the questions, and says they should really be focusing on clearing him this time, by checking with the liquor stores where he says he was. They say there's nothing in Danny's past, and tell Bob he can't get in touch with old teachers or friends. It's very suspicious, and when Bob says that, Danny yells that this family has secrets, big ones that they can't even talk about with their lawyers. He says he's not guilty, but it doesn't matter if it makes him look that way. He storms out, and Angie makes sure the conversation with Bob was privileged.
Susan's busy telling some nosy neighbors that Danny was released, and that she's worried and he's totally guilty. The couple she's talking to decides they'll try to drive Danny out of the neighborhood or something. Susan just wants people on this street to know they're not safe. Mike's listening in the garage and calls Susan in. He asks Susan what she's doing talking to big-mouth Mona Clark. He says they don't want an angry mob showing up at the Bolens, especially since they don't know if Danny's guilty. Susan brings up the whole lying-about-his-alibi thing again, and Mike thinks it's a good point, but he thinks it would be easier if the police had proof. Susan ominously says maybe they should get them some. She's sort of evil this season, although I don't think it's how the writers intend her to seem.
Carlos's office. John comes in. He says he has to ask him something, out of respect. You know, sort of why he slept with Carlos's wife. John says that Ana came to him looking for a hostessing job, and he won't hire her if Carlos isn't comfortable with him, given their history. Carlos says he should cut the "our history" crap and just say he banged his wife. Then he says he's forgiven John, but he still wants to punch him in the face. John says this was clearly a bad idea, and Gaby wouldn't have liked it anyway. Carlos stops him and asks why, and John's like, "You know, given our history."
Gaby's proving John right by freaking out when Carlos tells her that Ana's going to work for John. Carlos says Gaby's clearly jealous that her beautiful niece is going to work for her ex-lover, because she still has the hots for him. He mimics her putting her hair down at dinner and asking if he's divorced. Gaby asks if he was letting Ana work for John to test her. He says yes, and Gaby failed. He says she wanted to look pretty for her ex-lover and stomps off. Gaby hollers after him that John is also her ex-gardener; can't he call him that?
At whatever event Bree and Orson are attending, someone's telling them she hasn't seen them together in so long, she thought they'd split up. Orson puts her arm around her and Bree makes him stop touching her as soon as the lady leaves. Then Bree sees Karl and sends Orson away to get a crab puff. Bree greets Karl by accusing him of stalking her, and coming to the event because he's obsessed with her. Then a cute, young girl walks up, calls Karl "hon," and asks if he's found their table. Karl turns back to Bree: "You were saying?" Commercials, including this weird "Another Desperate Housewife" thing. What's with these commercials that are masquerading as spinoffs of the TV show lately? I think I'm already sick of them, mostly because they confuse me. Am I supposed to watch, or can I skip them, like more direct commercials?
Back at the "event," Bree wants to be introduced to Karl's girlfriend. He says she's his "old friend," Candace. Bree asks if he doesn't mean that he's Candace's "old friend." Karl says if they don't see Bree again tonight, that would be good. Then Candance apologizes to Bree for Karl's rudeness, saying Karl's just excited to get to the Motor Lodge. Really? Who on earth would say that to someone they just met, at a fancy event? She says he wanted to go there instead of the event, but she wanted to eat lobster. They're walking away when Orson comes back and greets Candace. He used to be her dentist, apparently, and he invites them to sit with him and Bree. Karl and Candace go to get food and Orson counters Bree's snide comments about Candace by saying she's actually very sweet, but he has to pity anyone who would be with Karl. Bree: "Yes, you do."
Lynette arrives home at night, and Susan's in her car taking pictures of something. Lynette walks up and Susan tells her to "Shhhh" and get in. Then she makes her stay low, as she tells Lynette she's doing surveillance, because she's going to nail Danny Bolen. She's keeping a log of his comings and goings, because the police are useless. No word on what she's using the camera for. Lynette asks Susan if she's told Gaby she's pregnant; Susan hasn't, and Lynette's thankful, since she hasn't told Carlos yet and wants him to hear it from her. Then Danny comes out, and Susan freaks out. Susan asks Lynette if she thinks she's nuts. She lies that she just thinks she's a mother. Then, after a pause, she says that she's also a mother, and remember how everyone was so certain that Porter started that fire last year ? She says people can be sure and they can be wrong. Lynette is so the voice of reason. But Susan doesn't agree. She swears she's not wrong. Danny drives away, and Susan says she's going to follow him, so Lynette should buckle up. Lynette's not insane, though, so she gets out and Susan throws her purse out after her.
At the "event," Bree's being rude to Candace. Example: Candace says she was a dancer. Bree: "What kind? Jazz? Ballet? Lap?" (She was a Rockette.) Orson sort of can't believe how rude Bree is, so he asks her to dance. Bree says her shoes are killing her, so he should ask Candace; she's the pro. They leave, and Bree calls Karl a loathsome pig, since he's supposed to be cheating with her, not on her. He says he asked Bree first, and she said no, so he called Candace. Then he asks if this could be jealousy, and she says it's not, but he can't be with anyone else while they're together. He reminds her they're not together, that he's just a diversion, which is fine, but she can't tell him what to do when the afternoon's over. He gets up and leaves her alone. She uses the opportunity of being alone to steal some oil off a catering cart and throw it in front of Orson and Candace. They crash to the floor, and Bree blames Orson for tripping. Candace thinks she broke her nose, and should go to the emergency room. Karl glares at Bree. Has Marcia Cross always looked this much like a ghost/skeleton? [ Yes. - Zach ] I think she needs to eat some of that food Bree supposedly cooks so well, because she's wasting away. And as much as Karl's a pig, it actually makes me wonder what he'd see in her. Especially if he can get cuter, sweeter, younger things like Candace.
Carlos knocks on Lynette's office door and offers her the senior VP job. She tries to turn it down, as he offers a better parking space, a company car and an expense account. She finally agrees to take the job when he offers a 50 percent salary bump. He says she starts tonight, when they're having dinner with a big client, who's bringing his wife, so he should please bring Tom. Lynette asks if this promotion wasn't supposed to go to Judy, and he says it was, but he found out she's pregnant. Lynette asks if denying someone a promotion because she's pregnant isn't illegal, and he says it is, but who's going to tell her: his new senior VP? Lynette's like, "No. She's too busy thinking about that bump she has coming." Or, you know, both bumps.
Bree's typing when Orson comes in to tell her he put everything from last night with Karl and Candace together. He says the oil on the dance floor was no accident; Bree put it there, because he wanted her to fall. Bree asks why she'd be jealous of Karl's date, and Orson says, "Because she was dancing with me, of course." Orson says he should be mad at her for nearly breaking his neck, but he's relieved that there's still hope for them, since him dancing with a pretty girl could make her that crazy. She says he's reading too much into it, but he says a woman doesn't pull a stunt like that over a man she's not in love with. He leaves, and Bree calls Karl and leaves him a voicemail that she thinks she's ready for that weekend in Vegas.
Danny's friend Eddie from school (what school?) shows up at the Bolens' house. She hollers for Danny, and then she and Eddie talk about Mary Alice killing herself in this house. Eddie wants Danny to take a look at his brakes; Danny doesn't want to, but Angie pressures him to stop moping and do it. The boys go outside, and Angie tells Nick she's glad someone has a friend, because everyone keeps looking at her like she has a grandmother in her trunk. Nick says they've also had three hate calls in an hour. He thinks it might be time to get out of the Bolen business. She says no, they can't change their names and run every time there's a little trouble. He says this is more than a little trouble, but she says they're not putting Danny through all that again. She'd much rather put him through being accused of a crime. She says that, until she says otherwise, they're Nick and Angie Bolen. Gee, do you think Angie wears the pants in that household?
Susan notices Danny and his friend working on the car, and either offended that he has a friend or offended by their butt rock, she comes out and turns it off. Danny sends Eddie into the house to get a light. Susan wants to talk to Danny about Julie. He says he didn't hurt her. Susan asks what they were fighting about when Mrs. McCluskey saw them, but he says his lawyer told him not to talk about that. Susan says she knew Julie thought she was pregnant, and wonders if that's why they fought and why he attacked her. He says he didn't even know that, and she screams, "You're lying!" He asks her to please leave him alone and goes under the car to work on it. Susan loosens the jack and the car starts coming down on him, close to crushing him. Angie comes out with a baseball bat, telling Susan to get the hell away from him. She hits two windows out of the car and Susan tells Angie she can't protect him forever, because people know what he is now, and he's going to be punished. Angie jacks the car back up and Eddie comes out and wonders what the hell happened to his car. Eddie, my friend, it's a long story.
Carlos, Lynette and Tom show up at John's restaurant, and Ana leads Carlos to the table where she's already seated the clients. Tom stops Lynette to whisper-ask if she's sure about this. She's like, "About being senior vice president, with a 50 percent pay bump? Um... yeah." Tom says the job sounds like a killer schedule. She says she can handle it and he gets to stay in school. She says by the time Carlos finds out, Lynette will have proven she can do the job, pregnant or not. Tom says he's in, but she needs to prove it fast, because last time she was pregnant with twins everything swelled up. He says it was like sleeping with a body they dragged out of the river. She's like, "You said I was pretty." He says he had to, because she was bigger than him.
At the table, the client is pouring some wine from his own vineyard. He says he just does it on the side, but that's why he chose this restaurant: They carry his label. Lynette tries to refuse wine, so she can keep her head on business, but the client says there will be no business talk tonight, so she should have wine. Carlos reminds her it's wine from the client's own vineyard, so she lets him pour some. Then Tom creates a distraction and pours it into his glass. They think Lynette's finished hers already, so they pour her another glass. Tom looks worried, and then creates another distraction (he says, "Oh, look! One of the Pointer Sisters!") and drinks her wine in one gulp. When they all look back, he apologizes, saying it was just a nun. Gaby comes in just then in jeans, a baggy sweatshirt and a giant, ugly purse, with her hair in ugly braids. Carlos greets her at the door and asks what the hell. She apologizes for being late, and he asks about her appearance, since it's an important client. She says it's also John's restaurant and she wouldn't want to look pretty and fail another test. He says she made her point, so please go get pretty. She says that's not the whole point, and reminds him she's stood by him for the past eleven years, when he was poor and blind and knocked her up twice. So, at this point, if he feels the need to test her, he's the one who's failed. He agrees and apologizes. She says she would have taken her clip out and shaken out her hair if she'd run into anyone she knows. She tells him not to worry; she has clothes and makeup in the car.
Bolens. Angie answers the phone, and someone apparently threatens her family, because she gets all Adriana , saying she'll bash whoever's brains in if they ever come near her family. Then she gets off the phone, and she and Danny have a heart-to-heart about how happy he is she isn't a normal mom, and how much he loves her. She also tells him where they keep the gun (second drawer in her dresser), and apologizes for being the reason they have to live like this, and keep running. Though, to be fair, none of their current situation is actually her fault, unless she's the one who attacked Julie. She reminds him to aim for the head, not the legs.
Back at dinner, Lynette and Tom are continuing to sneak her wine to him. The client asks if Lynette likes dogs, and a drunken Tom pipes up, "Ooh, I love 'em! But Penny is allergic, so we got fish. Fish suck. Swim, die, flush, new one. Swim, die, flush, new one. You know what dog I really like, is the Ramma-Weiner." Everyone looks at him, and Lynette corrects: "Weimaraner." Tom's like, "Winnow-hammer." Lynette: "Weimeraner." Tom: "Rammer-jammer." Carlos: "Lynette, make him stop." But it's too late. Tom turns to Gaby and says he wants to tell her something, but he's afraid it'll come out wrong. Then goes on, "Your boobs [ pause ] look great in that dress." Gaby: "Tom. How could that possibly come out wrong?" Tom, knowingly: "You'd be surprised." Okay, Doug Savant totally owned that scene. I even made my husband watch that scene just so I could enjoy it again. Lynette asks them to forgive Tom, saying he's a bit of a lightweight, and that the client's wine is so delicious. The client says she's had a whole bottle, and she's totally composed, though, and starts to pour her more. Tom stops them and says if she has another glass, he'll puke. Hee.
Susan's drinking wine, too, when Mike comes home. He sits down with her and tells her he just talked to Bob, who asked him to stop by. Apparently, the police have evidence that clears Danny Bolen. Susan can't believe it, but Mike says he was on the security cameras at Fairview Liquor, sitting in the parking lot drinking beer, for over an hour. So he couldn't have done it. Susan can't believe it, since that means the attacker is still out there. And then she finally feels bad that she's been telling everyone Danny did it. She's sorry, not just to the Bolens, but also to Mike, since he woke up the morning after his wedding and found himself married to a madwoman. He says he said for better or worse, "so we start with the worse." They hug. Why on earth doesn't someone hold that woman accountable and make her, you know, change the way she is instead of constantly coddling her?
Gaby and Carlos come home, and he heads up to bed. She stays behind to turn off some lights. But what she means by that is pull out an old modeling album, where she has mall pictures of John and her stashed behind one of her magazine covers. She looks at them fondly, and they do look cute and fun. But I find it weird you'd take pictures at a mall booth with the gardener you're having an affair with. And since John looks so much older now, they put a baseball cap on him in the photos to fool us into thinking he was younger.
Angie Bolen gets up the next morning and sips coffee in her bathrobe. She sees something outside and sets her coffee cup down, where the camera lingers as Mary Alice begins her voiceover: "On this street, the day begins with a cup of coffee. Some drink it while recalling a lover they once cared for." (I shouldn't have to tell you that one's Gaby.) "Some pour it thinking about the boss they must lie to." (Lynette, hopefully drinking decaf.) "Some sip it, contemplating a man they might be in love with." (Bree, whose storyline sort of got dropped mid-episode, didn't it?) "But for one woman, on this particular morning..." Susan's drinking coffee, when she looks outside, and seems to stop cold. "...that cup of coffee has to wait." Susan heads outside, where Angie's picking up the garbage that's strewn all over her yard. "Because she discovers a neighbor in trouble. She goes to help." She walks into Angie's yard and pulls out her own trash bag. "Not only because it's the right thing to do, but because it's the only way she can think of." Angie smiles at her. "To ask for forgiveness. And once it is given, the day begins." Pan out as the ladies pick up trash together, and we also see someone has spray-painted "LEAVE" on the side of their house. Some neighborhood Wisteria is. I'd think home values would have dropped with all of the murders and mayhem, and now this?
Discuss this episode in our forums , then see what vlogger Sean Crespo has to say about the murders and suicides on Wisteria Lane in No Prior Knowledge .
DeAnn, a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon, has never accused anyone on her street of murder. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com .