The Convertible
Updated 2009-07-27 09:01:59
I am just going to warn you right up front that it's 90 degrees here. At 10 p.m. And I hate heat. So if I'm cranky or mean to the show, just blame that. Or, you know, blame the show. But don't blame me. I cannot be held responsible for anything I say in the heat. (Also, remind me, in the future, to TiVo all shows I weecap in my bedroom, where we have a window air conditioner.) Even though we probably could actually use previouslies this week, there aren't any. Lucky for you, there are all those weecaps . Enjoy.
We open with Letitia and Karen watching lingerie models in a private showing at home. Letitia loves everything, which prompts a response of "pass" from Karen. She says she won't like anything her mother likes. And it's difficult to care about lingerie when there's no one to dream of modeling it for. And remember how she has four failed marriages and then a failed wedding, since Simon traded her for stock in the company? Letitia's all, Sing it sister! Men always let you down. She starts in about the one thing that never lets you down, and Karen stops her, afraid they're about to talk vibrators, and that's just too weird to do with your mom. But Letitia's not talking about that. She's talking about her children. Um, wait a second. The mother of Karen, Patrick, Jeremy, Juliet, and Brian Darling has never been let down by her children? Talk about some alcohol-induced delusion. Karen takes the compliment, though, and totally believes it, because she's just as delusional. It's genetic.
Somewhere in New York, Nick shows up at school to turn in a permission slip for Kiki to go on a field trip at school. He forgot it yesterday. But the teacher's like, "Your wife said Kiki wouldn't be here today." Nick has no idea what that's about, so he calls Lisa, who explains that she's with a client in Baltimore. Nick tells her it's his weekend, and she cannot "kidnap our daughter," especially without telling him. I have to admit it's sort of a bitchy thing to do. Why did they make Lisa so terrible all of a sudden?
Somewhere in a limo in D.C., Patrick's on the phone telling Tripp how at home he feels in his new job and new city. Where he's been for A DAY. Tripp's happy about that and all, but has other motives for calling. He'd like Patrick to remedy a problem Tripp himself caused a few years ago: putting "the kibosh" on Simon Elder's biofuel deal. But now that Simon's his partner, and Tripp shares in the profits, Tripp would like to have that reversed. So if Patrick could talk to the senator, Charles Watley, who chairs the committee and get him to reverse his position, that would be excellent. Patrick will see what he can do, but he's not going to be unethical. Nick comes in as Tripp's getting off the phone, and asks to borrow the jet to get Kiki back. He explains what happened, and Tripp tells him to take the jet and go. Nick leaves.
Jeremy and Nola are finishing having sex in a pretty white bed with a red blanket. She wonders how much longer he can keep this up, and he makes some reference to his manliness while I resist the urge to say "That's what she said." But Nola's talking about the fake amnesia thing. Jeremy says as long as it takes to convince Simon he remembers nothing. He plans to move in and gain Simon's trust and get close enough to figure out where Simon's stashed Nola's brother. Nola says Jeremy's not really smart enough to do that, and Simon's too smart for that, so it won't happen. Unless Simon thinks it's his idea. Jeremy's all, "Let's do that then." And they make out some more. Because nothing makes either of them hotter than talk of little brothers, kidnappings, and sociopaths.
Nick boards the private jet, where Clark greets him. Nick asks if Clark would please change the music away from opera since it's just the two of them on this trip. But it's not just the two of them: Brian's already on board, and he mocks Nick -- "What do you wanna do? Listen to NPR? It's not gonna happen." Nick sits down and tells Brian he's going to D.C. Brian says he is too, but he won't tell Nick why. He says it's classified, and that if he tells Nick that might lead to an actual conversation. Brian tells Clark they need to leave now, but Clark says they're waiting for the last passenger to board. It's Karen. Of course. She stumbles on the plane and says she's going to an exclusive boutique outside of D.C., where she will shop for sperm. Brian and Nate look skeptical, and she's all, "Buckle up boys. Karen Darling ... is gonna have a bay-bee." Opening credits.
In the air, Karen's still explaining how her mom gave her the idea, which she was totally against at first because of "baby poo and holding ... things," but she got a physical and did research on "sperm and their banks," and she got sucked in. Nick's all, "What a lovely thought." She tells him not to do this to her, that he already stopped her from marrying Simon, and not to stop her from having Coco. Brian and Nick, in unison, "Coco?" She says that's its name. She's going to pick out a donor and then "shhedule [sic] a squirt or whatever you call it." No one says anything, so Karen screams, "Support me, people! Come on!" Nick would like to, but before he can wax philosophical about whatever, Brian interrupts and says Nick has no room to talk about parenting. Then he goes on to say that the minute he and Lisa broke up, Nick should have accused her of child abuse and loose living. Karen agrees, but Nick protests that would have been, you know, lying. Brian's all, "So what." Oh, did you forget he's a preacher again? Well, he is. He's even wearing his collar, so it makes this especially entertaining. Brian says you've got to play dirty when it comes to kids.
Karen asks why Brian's going to D.C., and he says he's giving a benediction for a state dinner that Patrick's hosting. Turbulence starts and Clark warns them to hold tight. It gets worse, though, so Karen asks Brian to please pray, just in case God doesn't feel the same way about him that everyone else does. Brian refuses to pray to God for protection from a world he made dangerous, and that Karen should just tough it out. The turbulence gets even worse, and Brian says he'll go ahead and put a word in. He tells Nick and Karen to bow their "friggin' heads." I love preacher Brian most of all.
Simon's in his wood-paneled abode on the phone with someone who will not be identified. He acts like the person is his boss, though, all "When have I ever given you reason to doubt my loyalty?" Followed by "I'm sorry. I promise I'll get it done." He sees Nola on one of his monitors and ends the call. She's there to give Simon the minutes to Patrick's session with the agricultural committee, saying Patrick held his own. She tries to turn and leave, but Simon would like to discuss that hickey on her neck first, please. She tells him it's from Jeremy. When Simon reminds her Jeremy's supposed to have amnesia, she says he does, and that she guesses they just have chemistry. Simon begins to warn her about what would happen if he were ever to find out the amnesia was less than genuine, but he doesn't get to finish his threat before she says he remembers nothing, and walks out. Simon looks thoughtful, which tells us this is all part of Nola's master plan to make Simon think befriending Jeremy is his idea, right? Or something.
Cut to John Schneider in a Senatorial-looking office. He asks Patrick what he can do for him. Patrick's there to speak to him about Simon's biodiesel project. Schneider (Senator Watley, I presume) knows it's a joint venture now, and that Tripp would like the position reversed now. But he asks Patrick to tell Tripp that the position he pressured him into taking in the past is one he's come to agree with, and he's not reversing his position. Patrick meekly tries again, by citing data, but Watley says no and then tells Patrick to also tell Tripp he hopes he rots in hell. So, that's a no, then?
The turbulence on the Darling jet has gotten so bad that glasses are crashing all over the place. Clark's talking to the cabin about it all. Karen freaks out. Nick tries to call Clark on a phone thing, and Clark tells Nick he's a little busy, but they should buckle their seat belts. Karen sidles up next to Nick, buckles hers, and tells Nick he loves her, really. Brian (and me): "You've got to be kidding me!" Nick doesn't know what's always kept him and Karen apart, but he knows in his heart she's "the one" and she always has been. They kiss, and Brian tries not to cry. Not because of the fear, but because of the disgust that his brother and sister are making out, most likely. The turbulence ends, and Clark tells them he's sorry about that. Karen moves away from Nick, pulls out her nail file, and is all, "You were saying?" Does anyone even remember what was being said before the turbulence? I know Nick doesn't.
The jet has landed somewhere, and Clark answers Brian's "Where the hell are we?" by telling him they're in Wilkes-Berry, Pennsylvania. Brian freaks out and says he made a commitment and people are counting on him. Karen says she might be late, too, but she's not throwing a fit. He says he'd be calm, too, if he had a river of vodka running through him. Nick suggest they drive, so they rent a ... convertible. And there's our episode title. As they're speeding along with Brian at the wheel, Karen wonders why she couldn't drive. Other than the vodka? Brian offers that she drives like Grandma Darling. Nick says, "Oh yeah, and you drive like Bo Duke." Nice. I wonder if John Schneider can be on anything without a reference to The Dukes of Hazzard . I'm guessing not. Anyway, Brian's in a hurry, but he has to pee.
While Karen and Nick wait for Brian, Karen tells him she's not going to talk about the declaration on the plane, because she doesn't need to, since she knows he meant it. He protests that the plane was going down, and she says that's how she knows it was from his heart. She wonders what he'll do now. But Patrick calls, so he takes it. Patrick wonders why Watley hates Tripp so much, but Nick says that was before his time, though he acknowledges the hate for Tripp isn't unlikely since he has plenty of enemies. Nick tells Patrick they're running a little late with his minister, but Patrick has no idea what he's talking about, since there is no big state dinner. Brian comes out of the woods, and Karen races him to the driver's seat. She wins, and Brian hops in back.
Jeremy's at Simon's, because he wanted to see him. He tells Jeremy he'd like to talk over a little rumor about him. He heard from Tripp that Jeremy and Nola are having a relationship. Jeremy plays dumb (which he's quite good at) and wonders if she's Simon's girlfriend. Simon basically says no way in hell, and tells Jeremy that she's bad news, and has done all sorts of bad stuff to Jeremy's family. Simon thinks she intends more harm. He says she's looking for political leverage against Tripp, and is out to destroy Jeremy and his entire family. Jeremy looks dumb (probably not an act). Simon just thought he should know.
Somewhere outside of D.C., Karen pulls up to her fertility clinic, and she goes inside. Nick immediately asks Brian why he's in a rush to get to D.C. since Patrick outed him as not having a state dinner. Brian says his ex called. FINALLY! They acknowledge her existence. Nick asks if it was about child support, so they are even acknowledging that Brian Jr. is not his only child. Thanks for that, show. Seriously. Anyway, that's not what it's about. She wants to have an affair, and he's all for it because of the soul-crushing monotony of marriage. Nick points out he's been married to Andrea for four weeks. Brian looks like, "So?" Karen comes back and says it's cold and medical in there, so they need to come with her. Both of them.
In a sperm bank office, Karen tells a woman behind the desk that she wants someone special, and can't bring just anyone's chromosomes into this family. The lady says Karen must know how discerning they are here with their sperm. Karen's all, "Yeah, and I don't want any of these Nobel Prize people either, because ... the peace!" Yeah, peace is terrible. Way to take a stand. Karen hilariously says she doesn't want anyone too smart, either, because she doesn't want to breast feed a nerd. Hee. Karen wants someone well-rounded. And by that she means "cute." Nick's sitting by Karen this whole time, and now Brian walks in to ask what's taking so friggin' long. Nick tells Brian to back off since Karen's not buying a pair of shoes. Karen explains what physical attributes she wants: someone who looks good in both French and Italian designers. More specifically: 6'2", 170-175 pounds, dirty blonde leaning toward sandy auburn, and no back hair. The lady says Nick fits the description perfectly. Karen agrees. Brian makes a weird noise and then apologizes for having thrown up in his mouth a little. Karen tells Nick to face the facts that he should be her baby daddy.
In the car at night, Nick tells Karen he's not ready to be a father again. She tells him the baby would be hers and he wouldn't have to do anything, except sleep with her. Brian's like, "Who hasn't?!" Nick says he wants to concentrate on getting his own kid back right now. Karen thinks Nick doesn't think she'd be a good mom, but he says that's not true. She says he's comparing her to Lisa, and that she would never steal his child away from him like Lisa did. Except that she's asking him to have a child and not be in its life at all, so she kind of would. She gets all teary and says she just wants one pure, simple relationship in her life about her being her best for someone else. If that means it's with someone who wears a diaper and doesn't speak English, then so be it. Okay, first: that is no reason to have a child, dumbass. And also, how many mother-child relationships do you know of that are simple? The car dies, and Brian says Karen's sincerity killed it. They start walking.
Tripp and Patrick are on the phone again. Did Donald Sutherland sign a contract saying he would only act over the phone for this episode or something? Patrick says Watley's mad, blah, blah, blah because Tripp squeezed him pretty heard. Tripp says he never squeezed anybody ever. Right, Tripp. We're all buying that. Patrick doesn't want to push Watley any further, and tells Tripp to fix this problem himself. Tripp says he rarely asks Patrick for anything (liar!), but this is for the family. He tells him, rather menacingly, to go back to Watley and get it done. Patrick says, "Right, Dad. You've never squeezed anybody." Patrick just needs to cut off that toxic family.
Jeremy comes home to Nola, and tells her their worries are over. She thinks it's unlikely, but he says Simon's so convinced that he told Jeremy all about Nola's checkered past. She says it's a test, and asks how bad the things he said were. Jeremy says they're pretty bad, so she says he'll have to do something pretty bad to her. Duh-duh. And also: Who cares? Nick calls Lisa and says he's in a hotel outside of D.C., and is coming to get Kiki tomorrow. She wonders why Nick came down here and spoiled Kiki's weekend, since they had fun plans to go horseback riding tomorrow. Nick thought Lisa was working. It's all very tedious parental spat stuff. Lisa asks him if he's feeling guilty for being an absentee father all these years, and he's trying to make up for it with this grand gesture. She says Kiki's fine without him, so he shouldn't ruin her weekend trying to prove to himself he's a good father.
Back in a hotel room, Brian asks what happened, and Nick tells him that Lisa accused of him feeling guilty for not being a better father. He's all, "Whatever," but Brian says not whatever and asks what Nick said. He said nothing, and asks what he was supposed to say. Brian offers these helpful ideas: "You're a lying, cheating bitch." "You care more about your art gallery than the integrity of our relationship." Nick says she's not all wrong, though, because he has been absent since he's worked for the Darlings, just like his dad was when he was a kid. He says Lisa's right and Kiki's better off without him. Brian kicks him out because, as his half-brother, he's doing him no favors listening to this self-pitying crap. He says that Nick's a much better father than most. Oh, and also, Brian's sex-texting with Mei-Ling and is ready to take it to the next level.
In Karen's room, she tells Nick to sleep on the floor, but nowhere near her in case he thinks an impure thought and impregnates her. He gets on the bed and tells her that Lisa told him he's a bad father and would Karen cut him a break. She says okay, but just this once. He asks what she wants, but Karen says he's not a bad father and he must know that. He says he doesn't know what he knows anymore. Karen says if the proof is in the pudding (the pudding being Kiki), he's a great father, because Lisa couldn't have done that alone. They flirt a little, and she says they can try a practice run at making a baby. He tells her if they're going to be together in a good, constructive way (never going to happen), it's not going to happen in this hotel room that smells like curry. So she asks him to just sleep in her bed with her. He agrees to that. They snuggle in the bed with all the lights on and their clothes on. Karen says it's like junior high, and Nick says, "Yeah, if we'd grown up in Bombay." Must be some strong curry in the room. Lights off, but they still stay in their clothes.
Over in Brian's room, he greets Mei-Ling and thanks her for meeting him halfway. She says it wasn't a problem, and then compliments his room sarcastically. He says, "You know: Man plans, God laughs." He tells her it's a long story. They compliment each other for looking good. She sits next to him on the bed, and asks if he's keeping the collar on. He asks if she wants him to. She doesn't know, since she's never done this before. He says he hasn't either, but he actually has. He says, "Technically. I've only cheated on you. Not with you." She calls him a bastard and leans in and takes the collar off. Sexy music plays.
Nick and Karen are in the car on the way to rescue Kiki when she asks why Brian's not coming. He's not his half-brother's keeper. Karen's phone rings, and she answers it, looks shocked then smiles and acts normal, all, "Okay. Thanks. Bye." Nick asks who it was, and she says it's her New York doctor who did her physical, just calling to confirm that her lady parts are good to go. She looks worried.
Watley joins Patrick at a table in a restaurant, and jumps in asking if Tripp's running low on whipping boys. Patrick tells Watley it's quite the opposite, and he thinks he understands what Watley meant earlier. Watley's all, "You do? Really?" Patrick says of course, since he's been subjected to a lifetime of bullying from his father and he can't be the only one. Patrick knows Tripp won't apologize, but he hopes Watley will accept his. They shake hands and Watley accepts and laughs. Patrick hopes this means they can move forward. So does Watley, and he reaches out and rubs Patrick's hand. Patrick's all, "The hell?!" Watley thought Patrick understood what Tripp had on him. Patrick's all, "You have a wife and children." Watley, "And you have a thing for transsexuals." Patrick says, "Yeah, with female parts. I'm not gay." I like how they've dismissed Carmelita as Patrick having a thing for transsexuals, as if it wasn't her he loved. Watley apologizes for the confusion, says he's still not changing his vote, and leaves. Patrick mutters that that went well. I love John Schneider for playing against type for that one.
Nick shows up at a house on a green-screened lake and makes Karen wait in the car. Kiki greets him with a hug. Lisa looks surprised to see him and asks why he's doing this. He says it's his weekend. Kiki can't believe he drove all the way here for her. Some hunky guy comes out the front door and tells Lisa it's "ten minutes to dinnertime, Babydoll." Lisa introduces them, and Nick takes Lisa aside. He asks what the hell this is and she says he's her client. He says unless she's a prostitute, he's more than that, what with "Babydoll." She says they're getting along, and that they've been separated for two months so she's allowed to date. Nick says she didn't tell him she was taking their daughter and she took her across state lines. She says she's not on the stand. She tells him to talk about getting in bed with your clients. He says he's not going to cause a scene, for Kiki's sake. But he says they both know the most Lisa can hope for now is 50 percent custody, which is what he's wanted all along. Nick tells Kiki since she's having fun, he'll leave her here and see her when she's back in the city. They hug and she tells him she loves him. He leaves.
Simon exits a building in New York. Nola approaches him and asks what he said to Jeremy about her. She shows him a black eye. Simon asks what happened, and she says Jeremy came screaming at her about plotting against the family, and then he hit her. Simon sends his guy to go start the car. He assures Nola he didn't tell Jeremy to do that. Not at all. He tries to leave, and she calls him back. He tells her he's under a lot of pressure she knows nothing about, so if she wants to make it easy, she should stay away from Jeremy. He walks away and his car blows up. Nola: "That was meant for you." Really, Nola? Powerful observational skills there. Were you a lawyer or something?
On the plane on the way back, Brian's thoughtful. Nick asks if Mei-Ling lightened his mood. He says she changed it and asks if Nick wants to hear all the dirty details. He says she came to the motel, he invited her in, she took off her coat, they sat on the bed for twenty minutes, seventeen of which he talked about Andrea. And that was it. He says he couldn't go through with it. He tried with those last three minutes, but "the monster wouldn't come to life." Nick thinks it's for the best, and that Brian's one step closer to committing to something, someone he loves. Brian asks what about Nick and Karen. He says it would be weird for him and Karen to have a kid, but it wouldn't be the worst thing that ever happened. Not exactly an endorsement, now, is it?
Nick drops Karen off at her bed later. She says it was exhausting, and thanks him for the lift. She tries to crash out, and he tells her he knows what it was like wanting a child -- that he and Lisa tried for four months. He remembers lying in bed wanting this little person who wouldn't show up. Karen tells him that him knowing how she feels is a real consolation. He says he's trying to tell her he loves her. Her face softens. He goes on that he's open to being her baby daddy. She stammers, "You're open to it?" He says he's open to it, if they take things slow. Karen: "Like going out?" He says maybe they'll get there sooner than either of them thinks. She gets teary. He asks what's wrong. She says nothing, but that was really sweet. He kisses her, tells her to get some sleep, and leaves. She cries into her bed. Letitia comes in and asks what's wrong. Karen: "I'm pregnant." Letitia can't believe how efficient those sperm banks are. She says it isn't the sperm bank. The doctor who gave her the physical called and told her. Letitia: "With Simon's baby?" Karen says yes, and they hug and moan and cry.
Speaking of Simon, he welcomes Jeremy in and apologizes for calling him over so late. Simon tells Jeremy he knows he doesn't have amnesia. Jeremy tries to play dumb, but Simon says he has a gut instinct that Jeremy's not the type of guy who would punch a woman in the face; that sounds a lot more like Nola. Stupid Nola, ruining Jeremy's very excellent dumb-playing abilities with her sinister machinations. Simon tells Jeremy it's okay, because he failed in convincing Simon about the amnesia, but succeeded in showing how much he cares for Nola. And her little brother. Jeremy keeps trying to play dumb: "Brother? I didn't know..." But Simon's not having any of it. He tells Jeremy he'll arrange things so Jeremy can rescue Nola's brother, but he needs something from him. He needs him to kill someone. Jeremy jumps back and then asks who. Simon laughs and says, "Me." Or maybe you could just get into the cars that are set to blow up. Why have Jeremy do it? Ominous music as Simon smiles. No next time on, but we have two episode to go. Will Simon die? Will Nola get her brother back? Will Karen have Simon's baby in two weeks? I actually am hoping for some wrap-up.
DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com .
Discuss this episode in our forums , then see which DSM character vlogger Sean Crespo thinks should go over to 30 Rock in No Prior Knowledge ! And check back soon for the full weecap!