The Unexpected Arrival
Updated 2009-08-03 09:14:39
Here we are at the penultimate episode. Once again, no previouslies. But you've got the recaps . Not that this show even strives for any sort of continuity of storylines or characters at this point, but still. They're there if you want them. We open on Karen with a pregnancy test, begging not to be pregnant. Because, apparently, the doctor telling her she was last week was not as reliable as a store-bought test. Nick barges in, and Karen's extremely awkward with him. He asks her to go to the Berkshires this weekend, but she puts it off until at least next month, saying she's just taking things slow. He's puzzled, but agrees. Though he's not happy about it.
Jeremy and Nola are in their usual position in a bubble bath talking about Simon. Nola tells us that Simon chose Jeremy to fake his death, not kill him. Thanks for that update, Nola. She thinks it's a trap, because Jeremy's no Jason Bourne. He pooh-poohs her, saying he's whoever he needs to be to save the woman he loves. Excuse me while I throw up.
Okay, I'm back, and thankfully we've moved on to Simon and Karen. He's showed up at the house to see Tripp to talk about unrolling the biofuel tomorrow. Karen's bitter, and Simon's shocked about that since he says it all worked out great for both of them: He has half the company, and she has Nick. She isn't letting him off the hook and says he ruined her life, and she'll never forget it. He asks if he was really that important to her considering her four previous marriages. She doesn't answer, so he wonders if something else is going on here. Letitia walks in to answer him by telling Karen it's time for their appointment. She looks at Simon with disgust and shock, and she and Karen hop in the elevator and leave.
Andrea walks in as Brian's preparing a sermon. He tells her it's the "Love is patient; love is kind" sermon, but she isn't moved by it. Instead she's pissed, because she found an unused condom in his bag from his trip to D.C. so she's not buying the whole "state dinner" thing. She kicks Brian out. When he protests she can't kick him out of his house, she says she's already cleared it with his mother. She asks Maria to please pack "Mr. Darling's condoms. He's moving out."
In a waiting room somewhere in New York, Letitia tries to make Karen feel better by telling her she'll have Maria make her a nice dinner when she's feeling up to it. Karen says she's only going to want a martini, and a time machine to go back and never meet Simon. Letitia tells her she's doing the right thing, and then a nurse calls Karen in to see the doctor. Karen, in a short, tight, smoking-hot dress, gets up and goes to see the doctor.
Simon, Tripp, and Nick are having an extremely boring meeting about some sort of press conference at the port authority the next day at which Nick's expecting a large turnout of important people. Nick says the only thing holding up the rollout is Simon's signature on the final transfer of the biofuel patent to Darling Enterprises. Tripp looks worried. Simon's all, "Yeah, right, that was an oversight." He'd be glad to sign it over, duh. Nick says he'll have the papers together later today. Simon says he's glad he's Tripp's partner and leaves. Tripp tells Nick that Simon seems awfully accommodating for someone about to part company with so much money. He wants Nick to find out why that is. Nick: "Done."
Congressman Watley (who was Senator Watley just last week; not sure what happened) shows up unexpectedly at Patrick's office. He says he has the wife and kids in town for a few days to shop and kick-start the economy. Watley apologizes for the misunderstanding, and hopes Patrick will take the advance as a compliment. Watley would like to have dinner, though, but only to discuss Darling's new biofuel thing. He holds Patrick's hand a little too tightly, and Patrick acts freaked out by it. But he says he'll have his people get in touch with Watley's people.
Letitia and Karen are leaving a building labeled "Medical Building" in the pouring rain, and Karen says she couldn't go through with it and hopes Letitia won't make a drama out of it. Letitia, hilariously, says "Well, certainly not, dear. When have you ever known me to make a drama?" Karen ignores that comment. Karen hates that Simon will always be part of her life now, but Letitia tells her it will be fine. The camera pulls back to show us Simon watching them from inside a car across the street as Letitia comments on the rain and Karen says, "Not a good day for an abortion." You know, in case you didn't pick up on all of the extremely subtle clues that she was getting an abortion, they thought they'd bang you over the head with it. Also, how did Simon find them? Considering he went into the meeting with Tripp after seeing them, he obviously couldn't have followed. Whatever. I guess I don't need it to make sense. And... opening credits. Finally.
Nick's getting ready to do something with file folders and coffee. He looks frantic and frazzled when someone knocks. It's Brian, who's moving in. Nick tries to protest, but Brian knows there's room now that Nick's down a wife, "you lucky bastard." Heh. Brian explains what went down with Andrea. Nick's like, "But you didn't even sleep with Mei-Ling." He thinks Brian should just explain things. Brian notes the "irony": He went down there to have safe sex with his ex, and he doesn't have any, and still gets busted. Well, when you put it that way ... you still went out of town to cheat on your wife. I'm pretty sure most women wouldn't forgive that, even if you chickened out. As Brian rants, he starts unpacking his stuff in Nick's room, going so far as to replace Nick's photos on the nightstand with his own. He asks Nick if there's another bedroom, and when Nick says Kiki's, Brian's like, "Good. You stay there." Nick suggests Brian sleep in a hotel, but Brian says he can't check in someplace because it will be all over Page 6. And he's a Darling and a man of the cloth. He ends with, "Come on. Help a half-brother out." So Nick hesitantly agrees.
Patrick complains to his dad that Watley wants a date, and Tripp says he's going to have to go through with it for the family. There are no other options.
Simon's on the phone yelling about this car blowing up, and how his private investigator found weapon-grade C4, yadda-yadda. Nola comes in while he's talking. He finally stops yelling and gets all apologetic, saying he isn't accusing, just asking an honest question. Then he apologizes and whoever's on the other end hangs up. Nola asks who that was, but Simon won't say. Nola wants to know what Simon's doing with Jeremy, and she quickly volunteers to replace Jeremy in the big, strategic, faking-Simon's-death plan. It appears Simon wanted Nola instead all along, and just used Jeremy as a pawn. Simon says that when his death is reported on The New York Times website, a file will open on a drive revealing where her brother is. He explains to her how and when (tomorrow night after the biofuel rollout) the plot will be carried out, and he'll be dead, for all intents and purposes. Does anyone really care about any of this?
Nick shows up at Simon's right as Nola's leaving. He wonders what she's up to, and she makes something up about assuring Simon that his biofuel has Patrick's support. But Nick's not buying it. Upstairs, Simon's signing the papers Nick brought over. Simon's happy that his hard work is paying off, and so what if he has to share the credit with Tripp. Simon says he's a happy man, and Nick must be too. Nick's puzzled, so Simon explains that he's trying to congratulate him about Karen. He doesn't come out and say it, but suggests having a cigar. Nick's obviously unaware and doesn't try to hide it.
Karen's bundled up in her bed, where Letitia's trying to lure her out with "whoopee pies" -- chocolate and pumpkin. Karen just asks what she's going to do. She starts screeching about how she and Nick were finally on the verge of ... something and now she's pregnant with her crazy ex-boyfriend's baby. So, not exactly a dream come true. But she doesn't want an abortion, because this might be her only chance. Letitia says that leaves Karen's only option as being unhappy. Karen glares at her, and says she still doesn't know what to do. She finally has an epiphany that being rich protects you from nothing, and Letitia agrees.
Patrick shows up for dinner with Watley and sees that Krista Allen is with him. That would be his wife, of course. And just because John Schneider is playing awesomely against type here, don't expect that from Krista. She's very much the same bimbo here that she almost always is. At dinner, Watley talks about various biofuel things, as Krista plays footsy with Jeremy. After dinner, when Watley goes to get the car, Krista and Patrick have a completely impassionate kiss. He says it was a mistake, but she says it's the best mistake she's made in years since her husband never touches her. Watley comes back in, and Patrick makes sure they're both invited to the biofuel rollout tomorrow night at the Darling home now that he has Watley's support, and then the Watleys giggle and leave as Patrick looks on in wonder.
Nola and Jeremy argue (while he undresses her, because they are all about the sex) because he's mad she went to Simon and took over his role in this. She quickly and easily convinces him she's better for the job, though, ending it by saying she's lost her father to Simon, almost her brother, and she's not going to lose Jeremy too. Jeremy's wearing a weird vest that almost looks like a T-shirt with a vest printed on it, and a silly hat. He looks like he's trying to be in a '90s British band.
Nick's waiting at night as sappy music plays when Karen comes into her room. She apologizes for not calling him back, and he asks if they can talk about the good news. He says Simon mentioned cigars and good news, and would she please fill him in. She says she's pregnant, but she didn't tell Simon anything, let alone that the baby's Nick's. She says Simon's the last person she'd tell. Nick asks if that's because it's Simon's baby. She says yeah, and he asks why she didn't tell him. She says she's freaked out and scared of what it's going to do to them. She asks if he can do this with her, and he repeats, "Can I?" She says she knows, but nothing they've ever done has gone according to plan. She says she's waited so long "for us," and he says he has too. You know, that whole thing with Lisa was just Nick waiting for Karen. This show irks me so very much with this stupid storyline. She asks if Nick can say yes ever, but he doesn't know. I think I'm supposed to feel sad or care in some way about this, but I don't.
Brian's on his computer with headphones on, belting out "Eternal Flame" . Nick comes in and screams for him to please stop with the singing. He says he listened to him all night long, and has had enough. Brian claims it helps him concentrate as he works on his sermon. He tells Nick it's about love, and starts in: "Love never seeks its own way." But Nick's just poured himself a cup of coffee and he does a spit take all over the place, asking "What the hell is this?!" Brian says it's coffee, Nick's "free trade swill." Nick says it tastes like bleach, and Brian's all, "Well, I cleaned out the coffee maker with bleach because it was dirty. This place is a pig sty!" Nick apologizes for not having a full-time staff of cooks and maids like Brian's used to at home, and maybe Brian should have thought of that before invading. Brian screams, "Maybe you should have hired somebody! Planning, Nick!" Oh my god, as much as everything else in this show irritates me, this relationship is so good it almost makes up for all of the crap. Couldn't they have spun this off into a sort of Odd Couple or something. Brian asks Nick to please talk to Andrea for him, and he agrees.
Biofuel rollout at the Darlings. Simon and Tripp blah-blah-blah MPG5000, blah-blah-blah. Everyone in the family is there, as is Nola, and the Watleys. Everyone toasts and claps. Afterward, Nick approaches Jeremy, who's all, "Nick, right?" So he's still faking the amnesia with everyone even though the person he was faking it for knows he doesn't have it? Confused yet? Nick wants to know what the relationship is between Nola and Simon, but Jeremy pretends to have no idea other than both of them having ties to the family. Nick tells Jeremy he knows he doesn't have amnesia, but Jeremy's still not telling him anything, other than that Nola and Simon might both be in Oprah's Book Club. Wow, that's a very dumb and not-even-remotely funny attempt at humor. I expect more from Jeremy's writers.
Elsewhere at the party, Patrick approaches the Watleys. He makes small talk, and then Tripp comes up and finds a plot device to get Watley away. Patrick and Krista (who is not aging well, by the way; is that bad plastic surgery, or just the lack of it?) look at each other awkwardly. In a private room somewhere, Nick asks Andrea to take Brian back, but she's not going to until he grows up and realizes that being in a relationship doesn't mean zigzagging between saving and betraying somebody but that it's actually about being continually present and faithful (that was a long, badly constructed sentence, Andrea and now-unemployed writers). Nick says he can't live with him anymore, so Brian's going to a hotel no matter what the papers say. Andrea says the papers don't matter, and he could have gone to a hotel anytime, but he chose Nick, because he's his half-brother. Dude, this is totally a set-up for a spin-off of Nick and Brian living together forever, isn't it?
Back in the main party, Krista tells Patrick she's not wearing panties and then invites him to her hotel and gives him the keycard. She leaves and he's like, "Whoa." Elsewhere, Karen's on a red couch in a red dress when Simon comes up and offers her scotch. She says she's already drinking, but he tastes her drink and says it's ginger ale. Which can only mean one thing, since Karen's usually soaked in liquor. She pretends she's trying to stay sober to avoid killing him. He asks how far along "we" are into "our pregnancy." She asks how he knew, and he says he didn't for certain until just now. He figured it wasn't Nick's given his reaction. Then he asks if she figured she'd have this baby and he'd never find out. She tells him he broke her heart, and could he just leave her alone. He says not really, since things have changed now, thanks to her being pregnant with his baby and trying to hide it from him. That's ominous. She says she's not letting him within ten feet of the baby, but he says it's not her decision. He swears to her that no matter what, he'll always be part of the baby's life, and there's nothing they can do to stop him. He leaves and she leans her head against the wall. Uh, Karen, go back to plan A for ABORTION.
Simon sees Jeremy and asks where Nola is. Jeremy tells him not to worry; he'll get dead later, but Simon says plans have changed: He's decided not to die yet. Simon says something important has happened that's made sticking around more important than fleeing. Jeremy asks what happened, and Simon assures him he'll find out soon enough. Simon toasts to mergers and unexpected arrivals (episode title alert!) and "to your family ..." He looks at Karen across the room, walking slowly and dramatically. "... And to mine." Jeremy looks blank, as usual.
Brian finds Nick and asks how Andrea is, if she's missing him. Nick says not exactly, so Brian calls her a bitch. Nick says her feelings are just hurt and she doesn't trust him. Then Nick says he knows this is unorthodox, but since Brian's a man of the cloth, Nick would like to confide in him for a change. Brian Brians (I can't think of a better verb than to verb his name; his delivery is so unique): "Give it a shot. We'll see." Because, even as a minister, he's not making any promises that he'll try to help anyone. Even his brother. Nick tells him Karen's pregnant, and it's Simon's. Brian gets instantly pissed. Nick says Karen still wants him to be with her, and Brian says, "What, and raise the devil's spawn?" Nick laughs, "Yeah, something like that." Brian reminds Nick how he told Karen she was "the one" when the plane was about to crash. He asks Nick if that was true, and Nick says it was. Brian says that "the good book" says, "Love is patient; love is kind; love endures all things." Nick repeats it, as a question: "Love endures all things?" Brian says his guess is that it at least tries. Nick looks thoughtful, nods to Brian and says he'll see him at home. Awwww. They're the best brothers ever.
Jeremy finds Nola on the balcony and tells her the "good news" that she doesn't have to go through with all of this, but Nola (who has the one working brain in the relationship) says that this is still her only chance to get her brother back, so even if Simon's plan is off, hers is still on. Jeremy says that's fine, but he's coming with her. He's not going to let something bad happen to her. He says he's not saying she can't be Lara Croft, "just let me be your Terry Sheridan." They hug and as the camera pulls away, Nola says, "Who?" Which is exactly what I was thinking. Thank God for Google .
Back inside the party, Patrick finds Watley and tells him that his wife is a total skank and is coming on to him very strong. Watley's all, "Uh, yeah, I totally told her to do that, since you didn't like me." He figured that since he liked him, one of them might as well have a shot with him. This is his arrangement with his wife, since he's not really into women and all. Watley tells Patrick to use his hotel key, because he won't be sleeping there tonight. He looks at a waiter across the room, and walks off. Okay, that's gross and weird. But then again, it's this show, so not entirely unbelievable.
Nick finds Karen, who's crying. She tells him about Simon threatening her and then tries to walk off. Nick tries to stop her, but she says this isn't his problem, which he said himself. He reminds her that he also said he loves her. She stops walking away, and he says he wants to help. He's going to take care of this for her, by talking to Simon and letting him know that it's in his best interest to stay the hell away. Right. Because offering Simon advice always goes over so well.
Nola's trying to break into Simon's computer but can't figure out the access code by just guessing random things out of the air. She says "swan" doesn't seem to work. Which, okay, he did have that crystal swan, so that isn't just a random guess. Jeremy tells her to try jewelry, but she tells him she didn't bring him along for comic relief. Really? Because I sort of think you did, Nola. She explains she's trying to hook up the video link with her brother, blah, blah, blah. But then someone comes in. It's Simon, so Jeremy hides. Simon thinks Nola's idiot boyfriend didn't give her the message, but she just asks where her brother is. He tells her coming here was a big mistake. He starts walking toward her, but Jeremy hits him over the head with some sort of paddle, knocking him out. Jeremy: "Dude." And commercials.
When we're back, Simon's duct-taped in a chair. Nola's glad he's awake, and Jeremy asks her if she's glad he came along. Even in this tense situation, Jeremy has to take time out to have ego-stroked. At least that's in character. Anyway, she is glad, but would he please shut up and keep looking for the access code. Wait. Isn't an access code something Simon would memorize rather than write down and stick in a drawer somewhere? Simon warns them that his people will be here any minute, but Nola reminds him that he gave them the night off. "Or didn't you?" Then, to Jeremy: "I told you it was a set-up." Simon tells Jeremy to untie him and he won't kill Nola or her brother. She walks over and slaps Simon just as Jeremy realizes the bottom of one of the desk drawers comes out. And, whaddya know, the access code is taped on the bottom of it. What. Ever.
Patrick sneaks into the hotel room for some reason. Because, you know, there's no need to sneak when the husband is totally okay with the cheating. Anyway, he's all "Hello? Dana?" She's dressed sexily on the bed. Patrick awkwardly starts telling her about how tough of a time he's been going through, what with losing his wife and someone else to whom he was very close. He knows he came over, but he's not sure he's ready to do this. She slinks toward him and says he doesn't have to explain. She says it's just sex, and pulls him over to the bed. She throws him down and climbs on top. The camera pans out and up to reveal a red flashing light in the big, fancy ceiling light. Then we get camera's-eye view of Patrick, which looks just like something out of Sliver . Definitely an homage. I can only hope we find out Tom Berenger's watching on the other end. And how much cooler would it have been if they'd cast Sharon Stone as the wife?
Jeremy and Nola manage to get the video link to load after some banter about Simon's slow internet and the fact that his goons could arrive any minute. Nola sees her brother and calls "Justin! Justin!" He comes over and talks to her for one second, but when she asks if he's all right, someone grabs him and covers his mouth as the video cuts out. Nola asks what happened and Simon feigns ignorance. So she runs over with a letter opener held to his stomach and asks where Justin is. He has no idea, so she screams, "Where the hell is he?!" and lunges forward, pushing the knife into Simon's gut. Jeremy gasps in shock, and Nola looks down in some amount of horror, and pulls the knife out. But she puts it to his throat and swears she'll kill him. Jeremy, "Geez Louise. This is not good." Simon manages to say "Nick," and Nola turns to see a very shocked and accusatory Nick glaring in the doorway. He asks what the hell's going on here, and then the episode is over. No "next week on," but here's hoping they wrap up and explain the gazillion loose threads. Is that too much to ask? Yeah, I thought so. But maybe they will at least fill us in on what the hell is the deal with Nola and the brother, and Simon. And who's on the other end of Simon's weird phone calls. And who killed Dutch.
DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com .
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