Memory Lane
Updated 2002-05-10 17:00:00
So we're in The Bowl. Ed's working on a pinsetter while Mike eats lunch and pesters the hell out of Ed. Mike wants Ed's opinion as to what is the greatest foodstuff known to mankind. Without hesitation, Ed blurts, "Grapes," on the grounds that they're plump, delicious, and when you pop them in your mouth, you're living, baby. The same could be said for my 1980 prom date Stacey Tanner's luscious boobies. Man. I'll tell you what, that gal could do more things with her...uhhh...so anyway, Mike disagrees, and says that in his opinion, bacon is the greatest foodstuff known to mankind. This is a doctor, giving the thumbs-up to one of the most notorious artery-cloggers ever. No wonder the guy has so much time to sit around a bowling alley and talk about food: there's not a person in Stuckeyville that trusts his medical opinion. Ed and Mike argue a bit about bacon until Mike decides to change the subject, asking Ed what he thinks about "the big move." Ed asks what big move they are talking about. Mike says he's referring to the move Jackass has been putting on Carol lately, including the major move, into Chez Vessey. Ed has no opinion on the big move, but you can tell it bugs him like lukewarm mashed potatoes in his underwear. I mean, that may feel good for a few minutes, possibly warm you up on a crisp winter's morn, but it's not something you'd want in your Jockeys all day long. Mike can't believe Ed has no opinion. He then says, "Wait a sec...do you hear that whistle?" Ed asks what whistle, and Mike says, "It's the Carol train, leaving the station." Ed gives Mike that semi-disgusted "why you!" look that he seems to be giving Mike more and more these days, and we're off and running.
Clem Snide welcomes us all to the show with their rendition of "Two Alley Cats Humping Their Brains Out In A Dumpster Full Of Broken Glass." My only hope is that if Ed is renewed for a third season, the producers get the rights to something a little less painful for an opening theme -- like Bob Dylan doing "Helter Skelter" or something.
Commercials. Jesus Herbert Christ, the bald doctor from ER is still alive. That bastard's getting to be like Wile E. Coyote. Every week, I see commercials that the guy's deader than Elvis, yet every week, he's right back in the commercials. Dear Lord, I don't ask for much because, frankly, I don't deserve much. But if you could see it in your heart to strike that bald guy from ER dead so I don't have to watch these sad commercials anymore, I promise to be your slave or servant or whatever it is you're looking for. Thank you Lord. You da man.
Jackass and Carol are walking through the halls over at the school. Carol's starting mock arguments with Jackass in order to prepare them both for "The Big Move." Carol's saying that Jackass left the cap off the toothpaste again. Jackass points out that Carol left the seat up. Carol says that's no good, because women leave the seat down; Jackass admits that he's no good at mock arguing. Well, gee whiz, Sergeant Obvious, it's kind of tough to hold up your end of a conversation when you've slammed a bottle of Jägermeister before school, you lush. All of a sudden, this kid walks into Jackass (or Jackass stumbled drunkenly into him -- one or the other) and says, "Sorry, my man!" Jackass asks, "My man?" because he's drunk and doesn't completely understand English right now. The kid corrects himself: "How about 'my main man'?" Jackass suggests that the kid call him Mr. Martino. The kid counters by telling Jackass he can call him Dr. Fontana, because it will help Jackass score with the chicks. Jackass notices the kid's shirt, which reads "Ass Kicks Ass"; he tells the kid that the shirt's inappropriate, and that Jackass doesn't want the kid wearing it in school. The kid agrees, takes off the shirt, and walks away, asking Jackass to turn the heat up, because it's a bit chilly in the school. Jackass clearly has a weisenheimer on his hands and doesn't like it one bit. He mentions to Carol that all of a sudden he's Sidney Poitier in To Sir With Love. Carol says, "I'll call you Mr. Tibbs" in her best Sidney Poitier voice, but she sounds more like Rosie O'Donnell trying to pass an eight-pound turd.