Chuck In Real Life
Updated 2008-10-21 09:06:41
"There's nothing quite like autumn in New York, but it's not only the leaves that change." Like sometimes you get fucked by Richard Gere right there on his high horse, only to die of cancer. "Something in the air brings out the true colors in everyone." And that's why I love you, The Thing In The Air. Serena is wearing: a totally sweet shiny cardigan, her school tie, and a sourpuss look. Bart's back, is the reason for that last. Chuck tosses out the usual bitchy comment about Bart never being around, because of how he killed his mother or whatever, and Bart assures them he's home for the long haul. "And just in time for our housewarming party tomorrow night!" Lily burbles, and Eric asks -- with just enough hesitation in his voice that you can tell he's got his first starter boy -- if they can bring friends to the party. Serena shoots the world a snarky look, as if to say: you have one friend, and she is a shoplifting Brooklyn high school dropout.
Lily sweetly gives her consent and asks Serena if she found "the little suit" she laid out for her, for the party. "That was for me? I thought the housekeepers got new uniforms." Damn, Serena. Bart smiles and Lily chuckles that it's conservative, but classic. What it is is freaking hot and I don't know what S's problem is today. "Bart brought it from Paris. It had its own seat on his plane." Bart gets uncomfy as Serena spits and hisses a bit; Eric shows her his new watch and Chuck leans back: "Cash. Direct deposit into one of my offshore accounts." Serena is not sure about any of that, because she lives in a cash economy where everything comes with a price, especially love.
The song is "Snowflakes," by White Apple Tree, and it's about Lily: " A song that guides me down this road.../ As I wake up from a distant sleep/ I stand up dazed as I look around.../ What is this place that I have found? " Bart brings up the breakfast topic of discussion, which is how the party marks their official debut as a family, even though their first big party as a family was pretty memorable, involving as it did teenage girls bouncing around in Victoria's Secret slut regalia. "We've been talking about what that actually means," Bart says, and Chuck suggests that what it means is less money for Chuck when Bart finally dies. Lily giggles, because Lily loves Chuck like a viewer of this show and not a fictional person on it, and thus thinks rape and bells tolling are hilarious.
"We were thinking more along the lines of some guidelines." Serena shoots fireworks out of her face at the word because no way. The particular guidelines he's talking about, Lily clarifies, are "For life, together... Now that we're all here, having some rules would be nice." Serena reaches down and caresses the pistol strapped to her left thigh. "Like every Friday, we dine as a family..." Eric, now that he's on the non-closeted boyfriend train, and because he watched every episode of Gilmore Girls , knows that Friday dinner is both deadly for family and nonconductive to fun times; he suggests Monday instead. Bart continues with a weekend curfew of one AM. "Is that Eastern or Pacific?" asks Chuck, meaning that he's with Serena but too good at this game to say so.
"And no going out on school nights." As though school nights, days, afternoons, evenings have any meaning on this show -- but really because they were raised by wolves -- Serena and Eric wig out. But like: any time could be a school night, how would you even know? Right here at breakfast it could be Sunday afternoon and Tuesday night at a party in another borough. They're setting their children up for failure! Bart shushes them, but listen to the song: " ...It is all so calm in this cold night air/ Where the people sing without care/ Though I know not where I step/ I follow you until the death.../ Though I know not where I step/ I follow you... " Serena knows the song's about Lily: "Mom, where is this coming from?" Lily swears they made the decisions together, and are in complete agreement. Serena can't believe that for a second, but says eff it and takes off. Chuck sucks his teeth in that way he has; Lily feels weird; Eric looks down at his plate and wonders where his highlights went. Me too.
Dan's apparently reading the iconic graphics from a pomo flyer or something; I could pause it but I can smell Vanessa all over this scene and thus cannot force myself to care. "Medicine cabinet, bedside table, underwear drawer? It's borderline solicitation, V. And, uh, creepy." Vanessa tells him to read the flyer, and he exposits that her latest effing crusade is to save Dutch Schultz's favorite speakeasy, the Brooklyn Inn. "But what are you protesting? The owner died, didn't he?" Vanessa is like, "My moral superiority doesn't allow me to make those distinctions. I don't 'see' death, I just see people."
(Burroughs made a poem of Dutch's last words, but they already were one, on par with Rimbaud: "Then pull me out. I am half crazy. They won't let me get up. They dyed my shoes. Open those shoes. Give me something. I am so sick. Give me some water, the only thing that I want. Open this up and break it so I can touch you... Kindly take my shoes off. No. There is a handcuff on them. The Baron says these things. I know what I am doing here with my collection of papers... Look out for Jimmy Valentine, for he is an old pal of mine. Come on, come on, Jim... The chimney sweeps. Talk to the sword. Shut up, you got a big mouth! Please help me up, Henry. Max, come over here. French-Canadian bean soup. I want to pay. Let them leave me alone." That's exactly how I want the Captain to go down! French-Canadian bean soup for everyone!)
Vanessa is worried that Brooklyn Inn's owner having, in Dan's insensitive terms, "died," the auction of the property will cause an evil developer to turn it into a Pain Quotidien . Jenny, of course, loves Le Pain Quotidien , because growing up in Rufus's household gives you no context with which to evaluate the skin-peeling creepiness of communal dining. Vanessa puts her filthy bohemian hand on Jenny's mouth , because she is the Queen of Assholes, and explains that she's petitioning for landmark status. (Which, Jenny explains, Dan, Rufus and Alison, and Eleanor Waldorf have already "signed." Jenny has no moral fiber. That would really come in handy now that she's this close to swimming with the bulimic sharks of fashion.) "How about I come to school with you and hand out flyers to the guilty rich?" Desperate, you see, to pretend she has friends -- even Dan-type ones -- and to catch a glimpse of the man-bangs of Nate one more time. Dan points out that there are no guilty rich at Constance/St. Jude's. No matter how hard he tries .
Vanessa puts forth the idea that perhaps their mommies and daddies are looking for causes, which is actually smart, and Dan equivocates. "Whose bag is that? That's a soccer ball!" Dan, rather than shrieking and throwing the thing across the room like she said "nest of spiders," grins bizarrely and gossips that the St. Jude's soccer team has mono from making out with Script Coordinator Lauren Goldenberg. (They only name people on this show after people that work on this show when they are whores or old bitches or the occasional hired assassin or whatever the Broken Social Disease Toronto-haired hell Amanda Lasher was, so is this really under-the-table bonhomie , or Mean Girl ing at the most delicious level? Because maybe I'm Poppy Lifton after all.) "...So I guess their only other option was to ask me to try out." Jenny and Vanessa laugh at him because of course the only sport he's good at is Competitive Sucking, and Dan corrects himself insensitively: "Well, Nate did." Vanessa's little organic heart rots a little inside her chest, and then they take off. Jenny's like, "Good luck with the guiltless rich. I'm going to sit around here eating popsicles and eventually swanning into the House of Waldorf once Linda Evangelista gets out of bed, and this is my life now."
Walking to school, Serena continues to be all kinds of pissed, in a generalized way: "What's next, no TV until after you finish your homework?" Eric tries to calm her down and explains that, contrary to what the AMPTP pretends to believe, nobody watches TV -- especially unutterably perfect TV like Gossip Girl on an actual TV anymore anyway. "It's not about the rules, Eric. It's about Mom. When it's just the three of us, it's fine, but anytime she gets a new guy, she Stepfords out and lets him make all the decisions." I think probably if your parents are divorced you know what she means, but maybe you were lucky enough to have it not turn into a self-destructive, absolute knee-jerking hatred of all authority, because otherwise you might end up recapping TV shows on the internet for the rest of your life.
Eric's not sure this particular knee is jerking that way, but Serena recaps life: "Remember when we had to move to Chamonix because German Klaus wanted to ski all year round?" Not that bad. "Oh? What about Paolo? The raw food diet? Family colonics?" That is the worst two words I have ever heard in one place. That's like the anti-"cellar door," right there: family colonics. "Or Samir? I know I enjoyed our brief conversion to Islam." I think that might be my favorite thing Serena has ever said, of the many things.
"Look, Mom can let these guys choose her life for her, but they shouldn't be able to choose ours." Eric swears it's at least a little different this time, like Lily actually is thinking "family" and not "rich husband" this time. Which makes sense, because of all the problems he has, Rufus really has a grasp on families a lot of the time, and that's what Lily turned down. "We could at least try, right?" Serena: "Fine. But the second he starts to call the shots, these gloves come off and the nails come out." They giggle about her mixed metaphors and she ruffles his hair, and they are awesome. I like it when they're all Team van der Woodsen like this, because it's one of the more realistic things about the show, and after all the premise of Season One was that Serena had to come back and fix Eric because nobody else was going to -- besides, as it turns out, Eric , which is why he is the best.
Nate and Dan chum-chum their way down the hallway and into true love, and Nate lies that the coach was impressed by his soccer skills and not his lack of mono. "Save your thanks until after you see me play," Dan says, and Chuck appears, wearing The Scarf, which seems to have doubled in width and is now taking over his entire body. They are nasty with each other and Chuck puts his hand on Nate, asking him to end the Humphrey bromance: "What happens at Yale stays at Yale." OMG they really did have a threesome. I'm taking that as proof. Jordan Steele, you are my hero. Nate fiercely rebuffs these intimate advances and scoots off down the hallway, working that PO'd-girlfriend mojo like he was born to it. Which actually, were I married to the Captain, I'd probably spend my entire existence in just that kind of WASPy resentment fog, so he kind of was. And somebody's got to keep up the Steel Magnolia act now that Anne's eating lotuses in the Hamptons for the foreseeable future.
Blair, whose hideous ruffles have migrated to her back, so now she looks like a pervy headmistress from both directions, says something nonsensical that GG could have penned: "Poor Chuck. What is life without a friend to share it? Oh, it looks like you just lost yours to Dan Humphrey." Chuck blows it off and touches her face and I think makes a joke about limo sex, but it does not follow so it's just awkward: "I'd rather talk about who you lost yours to anyway." She puts on her bravest face and smiles brightly. "Been there, done that, been decontaminated." Oh, is it 1995 already? I'll have to incorporate that fresh new colloquialism into my armamentarium of badinage, right next to "I've fallen, and I can't get up!" Droll.
"We both know you'll do it again. It's just a question of when." She swears never, he knows better: "We're inevitable, Waldorf." Blair admits -- poor form, Waldorf -- that her body bears a vestigial attraction to him, but her brain knows better: "And yours should, too." She heads away for a "disciplinary hearing"; he's impressed because, as he says, she's trouble, but not usually in public. "Oh, it's not for me..." She runs her eyes over him one more time and crosses the quad, where Penelope and Isabel are waterboarding that blonde girl from the first day of school, whose name is apparently Kelsey.
"How many times must we tell you? As one of the girls of the steps, you represent Constance royalty! It should come as no surprise that many girls before you have gotten the axe when their choices reflected poorly on us!" Kelsey, for whom I most assuredly would not cross an ocean, or even 110th Street, swears she didn't realize... "-- That TIGHTS ARE NOT PANTS?" Blair screams, and the sun goes out for a second due to total fear, and in acknowledgement of the absolute best moment of the very excellentest episode. But I mean honestly, Kelsey.
Vanessa comes snuffling up and asks for a minute of Blair's time. "Sixty seconds," Blair spits at the Plastics. "Clock it." She takes in the flyers and goes, "Shouldn't you be at Whole Foods?" She should be working at Whole Foods is what she should be doing, with dreads and patchouli and a forty-year-old boyfriend with weed/beer belly and a guitar. (OMG it is Rufus! The prophecy is coming true!) "As much as I hate these words coming out of my mouth, I could really use your help with this..." she says, as B takes a closer look. You know what, Abrams? If thine mouth offends you, I will smack the hell out of it for you. Learn to ask a favor before you just jump in like this, because you are doing it way wrong.
"Oh. Saving a teardown," B sniffs, and tosses the flyer aside. "Charity is for diseases and endangered species. Real estate is not on the list. At least not in New York." She shrugs, tick tock, and Vanessa totally tries to have game . "I can make you help me, you know?" Make ? Blair Waldorf? When did Vanessa get suicidal? "Everyone knows that you and Marcus broke up, but no one knows why..." She shows Blair the photos still on her phone from her last B&E, which could have made Blair her total all-time ally and yet somehow she still managed to fuck up, and I mean... I believe that Blair remembers who those people are, and God knows Vanessa's got nothing going on and probably thinks this is still steamin' fresh fucking news, but: would anybody else care? This just in: British people are inbred, all the dudes want to fuck their mom, and they all have collections of pictures of schoolboys getting spanked somewhere on their hard drives. That's just, like, known.
"Even you wouldn't stoop that low," B says, momentarily stricken, and Vanessa gives an absolutely excruciating fake laugh. I think that I really adore the actress that makes Vanessa happen for us, because nobody is natively this chalkboard-screechingly horrible, so she's got to be acting acting. It's like Penn Badgely: you know he works at those holier-than-thou faces, because they don't come naturally to anybody, even a total cartoon, which he is not. "Blackmail seems to work so well for you, so maybe I'm missing out." This is my favorite part because if you pause it, you can actually see a momentary ghostly image of death's dark visage hovering over her head when she says it: "Now that we've established that I own you..." Blair's like, "You are actually a dead thing." "...You have six hours to get a thousand signatures. And make sure they're legible. Have fun!" She is so fucking unctuous. Why did B even give her this meet? I would have been like, Kelsey, for your punishment you must murder Vanessa Abrams. She's standing over there. Wearing neon tights as pants . Can't miss her.
Serena lounges in her room, reading a book in a satiny chemise, as one does. Chuck laughs because she's playing by the rules, and "it's not even a school night." Do you see what I am talking about? Literally one scene ago it was MORNING, and yet you can totally believe that she's been lying here since yesterday silently stoking the fires of her hate. "Eric convinced me. What about you?" Chuck says he's on his way to a "house call," and she gives the obligatory/desultory "ew," and then kind of bitterly reminds him to be home by one. "Naïve Serena. Don't you know Bart and Lil's list of rules doesn't apply to me?" Imagine tailoring them to everybody, my God.
Chuck : "No raping on a school night. No running off on gay sex vacations in the middle of the school year. No giving prostitutes a Cleveland Steamer until after your homework. Attempts on Dan Humphrey's life are to be limited to three a month, at your discretion. No sexually harassing Nate Archibald at school, because he doesn't even know what's going on and it's just kind of mean."
Serena : "No sex tapes, no murder sprees, no public sex on any surface where food or drink are served, and no making that scary black-eyed Burger King demon face, ever. Please do not provoke Blair Waldorf in any way, because she is effing unstable. And absolutely no more giving hotshots to cokeheads."
Bart : "No killing Lily's suitors, no heavy-handed real estate metaphors, and absolute disclosure when you do that Big Brother shit."
Lily : "No more freaky shots of your bush in our home. Oh, and no fucking anybody from the '90s. Or Brooklyn."
Eric : "Stop being so awesome because you are fucking up the curve."
"According to my sources, the real reason my father flew back early is to court some executives in town from the Midwest. The only problem is, they won't do business with anyone who doesn't share their family values, so Bart is making sure we do... Or appear to. I do my best work off the radar, but while you're on Page Six with the Poppy Liftons of the world, you're the bigger threat to Bart's business." The scary demon face begins to assume a new configuration of evil. "Night, sis. I hope your book is captivating."
As befits the occasion, Serena immediately hops into the sluttiest red dress she can find, brushing past Bart on her way to the elevator with just enough left in her to snit at him about missing the all-important Friday Family Dinner. "Where do you think you're going, and in that dress?" I mean, I'm all for Serena learning the creepy rules of the nuclear family and how dads are supposed to care and be all troubled about your teenage sexuality, but did nobody notice that she packed exclusively nakedness clothing for her trip to Yale? "Oh, the girls and I thought we'd hit up 1 Oak, then maybe Bijoux, and I don't know... Anywhere we can find some paparazzi. I'm in the mood for a little show tonight." She smiles at him through the closing door and makes a cute little o : "Oh, I forgot to put on underwear!" Nice! Bart stands totally still, rocked and foiled again.
Chuck enters Waldorf's House of Mirth to a bottle of bubbly and two glasses, Blair's eyes shining bright. "Waving the white flag, are we?" Blair assures him no, in fact she's been watching Cruel Intentions/Valmont/Dangerous Liaisons and has decided how to get Vanessa's goat. "I have a proposition for you," she says, holding out a glass and urging him to take it with her eyes. "I'll say yes," Chuck says, without asking what she wants. It might be my favorite Chuck line ever: whatever it is, I'm in.
"That little troll Vanessa is working my last nerve. And then I realized this could benefit both of us." Chuck's like, I'm freaky but trolls ? With the hair and the little bellybuttons? That's pushing it. "Dan stole your best friend. Now you can steal his. Seduce and destroy." Chuck asks what he gains, and she's like, "The thrill of the impossible. The only person Vanessa loathes more than me is you. It would be one for the ages!" She holds up the flyer and then gently teases him about his failure to perform of late, with the most delicious face. "I'll just imagine she's you," he says awesomely, and they clink on it. "This just in... Blair Waldorf and Chuck Bass, placing a wager on the takedown of Lonelyboy's BFF." He kisses Blair's cheek in total earnest, melting what's left of my heart, and once he's not looking she luxuriates in it.
When he steps back, she goes cold again, smiles and twinkles her fingers goodbye. "We think we've heard this story before, and we're pretty sure it ended up with everyone dead." As he leaves, she makes that scariest face, the one that's like, "Blair Waldorf, you are terrifying. But you gotta do what you gotta do." And it's so, so the perfect thing, because her plans all rely on chaos, and this is like: secretly she wants to get Chuck to bone her without risking anything, and take Vanessa off the board, so she's just going to stir as much shit as possible and then jump back in when it's time. The next song, needless to say? "Psychotic Girl," by the Black Keys.
" I thought you'd change but I should have known/ You play nice for a time and then do me wrong/ Just a psychotic girl/ And I won't get lost in your world... "
Blair and Serena are sipping the largest glasses of OJ I've ever seen. If it's OJ, which I hope it is not, because Sunday brunch is the one part of our week that exists purely to provide us with that narrow but necessary band of acceptably getting crunk in the AM. Unless you're freelance, and then you do what we do, which is remember you can call at any time on the Sheryl Crow Rule: Everybody occasionally likes a good beer buzz early in the morning. "So what did Lily have to say about last night's curfew flaunting?" Serena neither knows nor cares, because she escaped this morning while Lily was still doing her morning Guilt Pilates.
"Let them discipline the sibling that actually deserves it," Serena growls, and Blair forgets the mask for a second: "You mean Chuck?" Serena shoots affectionate eyebrows at B's secret smile, and B goes apeshit about how thinking about Chuck makes her lose her appetite. Maybe that's why you're thinking about him all the time, then. "Hey, is that Eric?" She grins again, saved by the bell, and Serena asks if this is his friend. Aww, Jonathan. He's such a Starter Wife! Perfect, it's perfect. He looks like a Muppet of Seth Cohen . Nicely done, Eric. Asher was advanced jelly but this little guy is fabulous. Blair waves at him like, "Who cares?" Eric's pride is sweet and undeniable: "This is Jonathan, my boyfriend." Their jaws drop and then they both start screeching in that OTT way all straight girls reserve for patting homos on the head whenever they do anything gay. "I invited him to the party tonight, but I thought you should meet him first." Jonathan notes that he's already met Chuck, so of course S goes into this Catskills routine about "Chuck, ya hear that? Hear that, Blair? He said Chuck, Chuck, Chuuuuuuuck ..." B blows her off and Serena parks her chin on her giant hand. "The story of how you two met. We want to know everything!"
Dan, meanwhile, is harassing the DUMBO loft with a truly Jenny story that goes like so: "So then the ball came to me and so I kicked it to this guy and then you know he kicked it to another guy and he kicked it to another guy and then that guy scored, so you know it was basically an assist. Jenny attempts to care, like Dan even needs reciprocation from anybody about anything, and he gets all dazzled about how it was "awesome" and "pretty amazing." I'm feeling kind of protective toward Dan this week, actually, because normally when he's douchey it's in a specifically calculated and hideously self-aggrandizing way, but this is just the straight motherfucking chill right here.
"It's so weird that you're on a team now! I mean, pretty soon you're gonna have actual guy friends." That's my Jenny! "What-what-what are you talking about? I have plenty of guy friends!" She shakes her head, because her memory extends past the last twelve hours. "Dan, I know that you're Mr. Soccer now, but you and I both know you prefer to hang out with girls." He stares at her, honestly not getting it. "Vanessa? Serena, once upon a time? It's nothing to be ashamed of." Dan protests violently and whines to Rufus to tell Jenny about all his imaginary male friends, and Rufus is of course like, "Well, I'm your friend." Which is so Rufus and so sweet and yet I still want to slap all of them. "Or Cedric?" Jenny explains that neither family members nor Cabbage Patch dolls are part of this conversation: only shame. "Okay, watch and learn," says Dan. And I mean: watch and effing learn, because this is astonishing.
"Nate? Hey man, hey it's Humphrey. Dan . Yeah, good good. Hey listen uh you want to hook up for some soccer later? You're by the Park, right? Noon, yeah. Sweet, bro! All right. Love it. Bye."
The issues here: number them. Sweet. Bro. Love it. Not to mention how he stuttered and stammered all over himself as usual, but still managed to come off twice as nervous as he ever was when he started dating his dream girl last year. He was fucking rico suave compared to that. Jenny and Rufus look at each other like maybe the Jay McInerney thing did some permanent damage, because that was like listening to Ellis main characters be way too secure in their creepy druggy bisexuality, and the next thing that happens is Dan goes to Palm Springs and never comes home. Dan's all, "No big," sending the d-bag meter through the roof, and Jenny's like, "Is Cedric coming?" Rufus makes a realistically dorky joke about how Dan would never take Cedric to his soccer/sodomy/Pinkberry playdate because he'd have to launder him, and Dan -- who I think has literally taken leave of his senses, because once upon a time he was at least morbidly self-conscious enough to hear the words coming out of his own mouth -- heads off to primp with a "See you two later. I got my boy waiting for me!"
Brooklyn Inn. Horace, who is like Bagger Vance crossed with the sweet-natured but mercenary pirate owner of one of those pirate bars where they kill people for not very much money, is standing around with Vanessa and a bunch of fucking activists when Chuck's limo pulls up. Vanessa, eager to take a stand of any kind at the drop of a hat, takes a stand. "You are not buying this place to turn it into another yuppie fusion bar!" Chuck, while Horace watches him and wonders why the fuck he's dressed like a fast-talking journalist from the days of three-piece suits, reminds V's stupid ass that Bass Industries, under Chuck's guidance, already has an interest in vintage stuff like Victrola. Which is the entire business plan right there, and makes total sense, but Vanessa has no time for sense when there's strident bitching to be done.
"Thanks, but we're already petitioning for landmark status." Chuck awesomely compares this to having a bake sale -- organic vegan muffins! The devil's own food! -- and explains that in the real world, money is generally how we acquire goods and services. She's like, "I don't 'see' money or the mechanics of capitalism at work all around us, I just see the opportunity to chain myself to something and stand around screeching rather than doing something to actually help in any way." He promises to return the Inn to "all its sweet sordidness," and she gets drama on him: "Sounds perfect. Just one problem... I know you ." Who talks like this? Vanessa Abrams does. Chuck makes his first move as far as the liaison : "Or do you only think you do?" And then one of the unkempt trust fund activistas calls him "Rich Boy" and hurls a $6 smoothie at him, and Vanessa is all, "Ooooh! Your ugly suit is uglier!" And of course, his clothes are the Achilles heel of his carefully constructed intensity, so he must away. Chuck Bass, it turns out, has an excellent rear end. I didn't ever notice that before. Props where they go. Vanessa grins and is smug, and Chuck drives away, probably planning to buy the entire zip code and burn it to the ground.
Lily's with a party planner when she finally sees her shot at Serena, and takes her aside. "So what's my punishment?" Serena smiles, and Lily tells her to chill out and stop acting like a child. Which, um, she is, even though previous to this week she never once acted like it. "Why not? You're treating me like one. Isn't that who curfews are for?" Lily's like, "When you dress like a whore and act out, what you're saying is, 'Mom, you are right. I am out of control.' So you're not doing yourself any favors." Serena doesn't blink. "If you have a problem with our rules, then just say so, but to simply defy us..." Serena finally explains the very bald, very truthful truth that she's not defying Lily, she's defying Bart. Which honestly is all Lily should have to hear, because I swear it's like she's never seen a TV show or a family in her life.
"Bart and I are husband and wife..." Serena points out that he's not their father, and Lily's gaze falls. Serena pushes onward: "Come on, Mom. Things were so good last year. We were almost like a real family. Why change that?" Lily sips her coffee and tells a totally equal and obvious truth: "You're making this much more complicated than it really is." Which is true in context, but what neither of them has figured out is that this fight is having them , because Serena has a point. It's just not a point about what they're fighting about, and until one of them -- or Eric, probably -- figures that out, nothing will change. "If I thought this was actually you talking, I might listen."
This is all hitting a little too close to home, as I said, but Lily's not feeling her culpability here, which has to do with the fact that Serena has spent seventeen years making up her own rules, and Lily has spent seventeen years letting that happen. Which means what she's doing now is violent. The thing about parenting is that you have to understand on a fundamental level that every second your child is alive, from birth, their job is defining the actual universe -- from the screaming insanity and weird sounds and shapes that greet us, all the way to actual adulthood -- and that parenting is really just explaining how the universe works, which is the same way all the time, which means consistency. So if you ask your kid to take out the garbage on Monday, and then Tuesday, and then Wednesday, but only start hollering and force the issue on Thursday, what you're doing is an act of war on the universe you helped them build for the better part of the week, and it's painful for them and for you, but you deserve it more because you have been lazy and inconsistent, and your children deserve better.
"If this is how you're acting now, I should have insisted on more structure years ago." Serena is the second most angry she's ever been, with good reason: "You mean like three husbands ago?" There's a long blank stare, and for a second you could swear Blair takes over Serena's body. "...That was unkind," Lily says -- also true -- and Serena runs off, promising not to attend "tonight's little soiree." Lily is quite sad, and you have to feel bad for her because it's a lot easier to blame your kids for everything right up until they can talk, at which point they start telling you how they feel about things, and then it's all going to hell.
Dan heads over to Nate's house and knocks on the door, then notices a big NYC Seizure notice on the ground nearby. He looks very worried, and goes around to the gate to the basement floor like a good little Abrams. He slides the lock open, under its camouflage of chain, and heads inside: somebody wants it to look locked. The electricity is off. Just as Dan's mind is being blown, his phone rings: It's Nate, who's waiting at the park. He stares down at Nate's sad little pallet on the floor, and GG goes crazy awesome: "Whoever said you can't have it all must have known the Archibalds. Looks like poor little Nate is... Yuck. Poor! "
Blair is hanging out in her room in a preposterous nightgown, lazily applying lipstick, when Chuck shows up. "Excuse me," she says, slow and quiet and sexy, "Don't you..." He interrupts: "Deal's off." She turns off the sex-kitten and turns back into hardcore destructo Blair. " What? What are you talking about?" Chuck tells her he's having second thoughts about pretending to buy some broken-down bar, and she's like, "But you promised to seduce Vanessa! She needs to be destroyed! " Chuck says V is back to being her problem, hysterically: "Humphrey doesn't warrant this." This is how the show should always, always be: just like this. They find the formula and lose it more often than Hiro over here! "The great Chuck Bass is just gonna give up?" He tells her that one's not working, because the prize is... I don't even know what the prize was. Oh, right: breaking the heart of a girl whom both Humphrey and Nate, the two most ineffective men on the planet, have managed to break without even trying. Or noticing, frankly.
"You can do your own dirty work. There's not enough in it for me." Blair gives herself permission for this next part, you can see it in the angle of her head, and if you look even closer you can see the two birds/one stone thing working itself out in a place even she can't see. Whispering: "But what if I made it worth it?" Chuck wonders what she's up to, but they both know. This is all they do. "You're not serious..." She is. I love that she had him fooled about this. No wonder he was so intent on ruining her Queen B sovereignty. She won a round and neither of them even knew it, and here's how: "Three little words." Just by asking she managed to expose just enough throat to make it his problem, but with the plausible deniability of a double-dog dare. This is why I love them so much, because that game of "I love you more/I love you less" and trying to get the other person to flip is, for me, the truest romance I can think of on TV. "I dare you to have feelings and then maybe I eat you." Maybe it's different for other people, or for you, but for me? Love it. Sweet, bro!
"My my," Chuck purrs. "That girl has gotten under your skin." Blair tosses off a bon mot that, at first, is kind of barfy, but I think it's just weird imagery: "The question is, Bass, will you?" Get under my skin, I mean. Not like a needle or a jail yard shank, but like me on top of you. Naked. I don't know why that's hard to get to -- too much Emily Dickinson in school? -- but it's sort of awkward and I don't know how you make that joke work better. "Aren't you the least bit worried I'll succeed?" He pulls at her robe, incredibly slowly, and she starts up that heavy breathing. "Do we have an agreement?" she asks, looking in his eyes so neither of them has to acknowledge her open robe and the lacy lavender thing underneath it, which his fingers rest on, very lightly, even now. "Careful, B. One thing about making a deal with the devil..." -- Chuck assures her that they do and leaves; B breathing like she's just been mugged on a rollercoaster as she pulls it closed again, with a twinkle in her eye -- "...He always comes to collect."
Chuck meets Vanessa Chez Bass, in a lovely purple robe with his hair looking fine. V admits that she took a look at the proposal and all its provisos about keeping everything as is, and lobbying for landmark status. "So I was telling the truth." Vanessa, unable to resist telling the same fucking joke every time her ass schleps to the UES, is all, "I'm sure you've done something in your lifetime to deserve getting beaned by an iced beverage." Chuck goes there one more time: "Isn't it possible there are parts of me you don't know?" She's less sure, now, but goes back to the Abrams boilerplate; sensing his advantage, he closes the door on her just a tad. "You have a reason for coming here? If it was to insult me, there's a website you can go to..." Ha! Vanessa says Horace wants to meet him and see if the chemistry works, but that even if they do this she still doesn't trust him. I'm sorry, you are no longer relevant to these proceedings, Vanessa: once Chuck meets with Horace, all you're doing is standing around being obnoxiously forthright.
"Of course not," he says, and takes a long, slow, very sexy sip from his glass. They really fixed whatever was making him a 7 last year, dude. I can't even remember what it was, because even his bizarre Easter Island/Guy Smiley head is no longer a problem. "Now... I'd better put on something special." He heads off into the house and you can totally see her decide that she might sleep with him, and of course she thinks it's her idea, because she is a moron and didn't notice the pocketwatch he was swinging back and forth in front of her stupid face throughout the entire scene.
"I don't know how she expect to take this family seriously when her record stands at sixteen months," Serena bitches -- yes, still -- while Blair dresses in the loveliest scarlet dress. All of her dresses in this episode are asymmetrical; this one has a black feathery strap on one side. She looks like heaven. "Which husband was that?" That was Klaus. "Was he the one that wore the wooden shoes? Zip!" Serena dutifully zips her into the lovely dress and shakes her head. "No, that was Danish Claus, with a C. This is German Klaus, with a K." (If you're worried you won't remember the difference, don't be, because Serena is never going to stop mentioning K-Klaus and C-Claus for the rest of the episode. Scenes that have nothing to do with her, she's sticking her head in the side of the frame like on The Soup to mention those two.) "Wait, I forget. Did she marry both?" No, just K-Klaus, although she dated Danish Claus longer.
Blair puts on her shoes and smiles about their incredibly fucked up childhoods. "Oh, your mother. Remember how she always used to just jet off to Mustique or Ibiza without warning while you and Eric were still in school?" Serena's like, um yes. "Eleanor always knew when we showed up with our overnight bags..." Blair nods. "...Lily had a new boyfriend." I like how the episode presents you with Serena acting insane, and then the rest of the episode is breadcrumbs to how she got there. "We tried alternating between you and the Archibalds so you guys never knew how bad it really was." Blair, so completely on Serena's team that it's not even bitchy, just kind of awesome and Blair-Bear: "We knew." She checks out her shoes, like, Why worry about this stuff now? If I thought about the house of horrors I came from I'd be binging and purging up a storm at this very moment.
"But Bart is the worst! He's controlling! And a hypocrite! He acts like he's family friendly, when he's dated half the models in Manhattan..." B, not totally interested in Serena's -- What do you call the opposite of Daddy Issues? I have that, whatever it is, and Serena is doing a great job of being a case study -- presents herself, preening, in the totally hot dress. Serena is very willing to tell her how gorgeous she looks in it, but when she asks where the dress came from, Blair gets shifty as fuck. "When did Chuck give you a dress?" Before the doomed European vacation. "And you're wearing it tonight?" Blair -- running full tilt into the bathroom and away from this conversation -- pretends that this proves she attaches no particular meaning to the dress, that she wanted to wear it somewhere and tonight is a good night. Of course Serena knows the opposite is true, but what do you say? You and I know this show well enough to know he's going to wear something matching, because that's how they -- and wardrobe -- work.
Awesome: "You know, you gotta teach me that, uh, that bouncing-off-the-knees thing." Dan Humphrey, you bring us these gifts like a Siamese with a pigeon head, but sometimes it's truly gold. Because if anybody on earth is going to teach you the Bouncing Off The Knees thing, it's going to be Nate, because it is and always has been his principal source of income. The incredible gayness of Dan is like, if you saw a painting and liked it and then found out a kitten painted it, would you feel foolish or postmodern? Because anything could be dirty if you look at it right, but I really don't think that's what's going on here. It seems like around the same time this show figured out that Dan didn't need to be likeable or get free passes for his behavior in order for the show to work, they also figured out that he could just be gay all the time and it would only increase the sum total of awesomeness to the point where if he actually made out with a guy it would be, like, disappointing.
"I tried it once, but I broke my dad's Gibson. It's very scarring to see your father cry," Dan says, like Rufus doesn't break down in tears twice a week listening to like Pearl Jam. Nate reminds Dan that the Captain never cries because the Captain has only one emotional mode: Dick. He asks Dan if he's going to the Bass/van der Woodsen housewarming, and Dan's like, "Not even invited." Obviously. He has no friends in that house, come on. Nate's sorry to hear that not even Serena has let him off the hook for being disgusting all the time, and says he's just going to chill out and watch pretend movies in his squat using the powers of his imagination. Dan looks at him like a puppy on the street that only wants to be cuddled, and asks where the fuck Anne is. Nate babbles and says he told her negligent ass that he's staying at Chuck's, and then offers to go buy Dan a bottle of water. Dan, of course, allows the homeless orphan to buy him a bottle of water, because he is like this all the time but also so he can call Jenny and spaz out about everything and take on Nate's drama for his very own.
Horace hugs Chuck and pokes gentle fun at his insane outfit before admitting he's impressed: "I know Savile Row when I see it. Joe Kennedy taught me." Chuck turns from offended to deeply moved: "You knew Joe Kennedy?" Yeah, when he wasn't buying presidencies or having people fucking murdered, sometimes he would visit the Brooklyn Inn. "Rumor has it he kept this place in booze during Prohibition. So, you like old Joe?" Chuck names the ways in which Joe K is a personal deity: "Rumrunner, womanizer, millionaire? He was my kind of guy." Horace is charmed by Chuck's ability to fully inhabit the ridiculous persona he has created for himself at the age of seventeen, and takes him down the hall, hand on his back: "Gangsters, fighters, musicians. Dangerous folks, no doubt. But they had style. Something tells me you'd fit right in." Chuck almost bursts into tears at this: the secret thing he has wanted to hear since he was just a little rapist in short pants.
Jenny, who apparently has not moved since... Thursday? finds Dan's dramatic retelling of how he broke into Nate's house to be, you know, a little suspect. "There's just like a sleeping bag and a bunch of Brooks Brothers shirts. Why isn't he staying with Chuck?" She explains people to him again, pointing out how he's obviously embarrassed due to his homelessness. Dan, being unacquainted with the concept of shame or embarrassment on a genetic level, still doesn't understand, so Jenny swings into action. "Okay, look, invite him over for dinner tonight. Dad's making chili. And then once he's here, we can convince him to stay." OMG they are the creepiest. They both want Nate to be their boyfriend, so now they're planning to abduct him in collusion? Somewhere Sandy Cohen is affecting a creepy French accent and quietly singing to himself, "Thank Heaven ... for homeless teenage boys..."
Dan then gives one of my all-time favorite line readings of anybody on this show: "Okay. Uh, don't... Don't mention anything to Dad, though because he'll probably, like, handcuff him to the couch, or... say something stupid..." Yes! I love that, he just says it so naturally, like, these are the major obstacles we're up against: Rufus's overbearing sense of misplaced responsibility, and even more iffy, his ability to be totally stupid faster than you can blink. "Turns out my dad's making his once-a-year chili, and attendance is mandatory for me and whoever I'm with. I'm sorry, I'm deeply sorry, but this year that's you." Nate, who knew damn well what he was getting into, doesn't even fight it. And down the queerbutt Humphrey rabbit hole we go.
Serena runs into Jonathan, who is there dropping off books for Eric, and learns that he's not coming to the housewarming. "Eric talked to your stepfather, and apparently it's family only..." Ugh, knew that one was coming. That was obviously the next step in her nightmare coming true. Serena comes from the free places and they're where she draws her power from, and all of this is like the cage getting smaller and smaller, so first it's how she dresses and how she spends her nights, and now it's the gay thing plus the Eric thing, right on time. That Saturn Return thing where you start to realize that dudes run everything, and you need to negotiate with it or you're going to drown. Also known as the post-grad meltdown.
And this is really, really important for Serena to get through her head, fast as she can, the same way that Blair absolutely must realize that sometimes we have to step inside our bodies and actually live there for a second without watching ourselves like an Audrey Hepburn movie, constantly amazed at the shit we're doing. (Serena's an extravert like me: she lives in her spot, and imposes herself on the world. Blair's a classic introvert: her soul is outside her body, and she brings it inward to figure things out by deduction. Everybody's garbage is somebody else's tools.) Anyway, of course Serena is like, "Bart WHAT?" and Jonathan, like Eric before him, doesn't get what the big deal is -- even though most gay kids would totally get what the big deal is -- and takes off, so Serena can feel like once again she's failed to protect Eric on a basic level. Considering he was like genetically designed in a lab to make you want to keep him safe at all costs, it's no wonder that this is the point that she actually turns into a lunatic.
Vanessa follows Chuck out into Brooklyn, in his blue plaid pants, and admits he's won Horace over. "He trusts me," Chuck says, staring into space. He's actually giving Ryan Phillipe a run for his money here, which is amazing in its own right, if sort of apple/orangey to point out. "You're really serious, aren't you? You're gonna save this place," she breathes. She can see it on his face. "Yeah," he says, no less surprised. "I guess I am." Vanessa admits it would have taken a miracle, but she never thought that miracle would be Chuck Bass. He shoots those eye lasers at her: a miracle? Yes. We are as surprised as they are, but it fits the story and the unfolding Chuckness of Chuck where nobody on earth is a cartoon, which sums up Josh Schwartz's entire mission in life.
"I was wrong about you, and I'm sorry." I really do like this thing about Vanessa and I am glad they know well enough to do it well and do it often: the part where she's able, unlike some people, to turn on a dime and admit she is capable of changing her mind. I mean, she prefers to be cynical and right and disappointed because it feels like winning, but whenever she just goes, "My bad, you're not evil," it makes me like her a whole lot. He doesn't know what to say, but admits it means a lot before looking away into space, trying to keep his Chuckness together. And just before he admits the game, just before he pulls the Sebastian Valmont move to the truth level that the story demands, he gets a text.
"En route to J Sisters. How's it going?" (Don't ask why I know this because I don't know and I'm kind of scared to remember, but J Sisters is basically where the Brazilian wax was invented, for all intents and purposes. I mean, besides Brazil. So you know what's implied.) Chuck's voice turns 180 degrees into horny freaky scary evil Chuck voice, which I never even noticed. (How great was The Dark Knight , both unironically and because all three of them had the scary voice and when they would talk it was constant code-switching between normal voice and scary growly voice? God, that movie is perfect.) "At the conclusion of a deal, I like to celebrate. My parents are having a housewarming tonight. I'd like you to come." Having no idea that Chuck literally just flipped his script all the way over like he's on the table at J Sisters, Vanessa's like, "Okay?" She realizes he just got weird, but decides she's in anyway, and why? Say it with me!
Lily introduces Richard Phillips -- painter of that amazing Technicolor dream on the stairwell, with the chick's face -- to angelic beauty Ariel Foxman and Honor Brodie of In Style , and Bart's standing around watching her work (never forget she's an artist, too, which I did when I forgot to mention that the Mapplethorpe thing carries a photographer-to-photographer marker that makes her, past and present, even more amazing than just some naked lady) when Serena comes in. She is wearing the suit, yes, but apparently without a shirt inside it. Needless to say, she looks like poetry in motion. Bart's like, "I'll field this one," which is dumb of him but makes this necessary part happen. " Serena? The suit looks lovely on you. And I'm glad you changed your mind and decided to join us. Can I introduce you to some people?"
Lily laughs and gulps her wine as Serena puts the screws to him: "No, I'm waiting on some friends. We are allowed to bring friends, right?" He's like fine, sure, whatever, and heads back to Lily, but no: "Bart? Just curious. Does Mom know you told Eric he couldn't bring his boyfriend?" Bart promises her he did no such thing -- and his love of Eric, since early in Season One, has always been a huge sign that we should take him basically at face value -- and Serena plays the Saturn card: "Really? The fifteen-year-old and the billionaire? Sounds like a discussion between equals."
The song is about Lily again -- this party, and this night -- but it's about Serena too, declaring her territory against advancing forces, which is Blair's natural setting but something she's only learned to do lately, from Daniel Humphrey: "Take Back The City," by Snow Patrol. " Take back the city for yourself tonight/ Or I'll take back the city for me/ God knows you put your life into its hands/ And it's both cradled you and crushed/ But now it's time to make your own demands... No need to put your words into my mouth/ Don't need convincing at all/ I love this place enough to know I have no doubts/ It's a mess, it's a start/ It's a flawed work of art... I love this city tonight/ I love this city always/ It bears its teeth like a light/ And spits me out after days/ But we're all gluttons for it/ Tell me you never wanted more than this/ And I will stop talking now: One perfect partner, one eternal kiss ." Oh Lily.
Now, I have no doubt that Bart is actually involved in white slavery or something, but at this point of the story it's important for us, and for Serena, to consider seriously the idea that he's actually okay, because our natural setting and hers, from decades of television, is to assume that magnates are evil incarnate and deserve all the Sue Ellen bullshit they get. And I'm not issuing a call for mogul love, I'm saying that Josh, again, needs to illustrate that there are better reasons to hate people than their success. "Serena, I hope that over time you'll see that I want what's best for this family. In the meantime, I suggest you talk with your brother." Serena's eyes! Are full of hate!
Blair greets Chuck, quiet and sweet and even, and he nods her way. She goes into sexy-Batman voice: "Do I get a progress report? Does Vanessa still think you're buying that beer hall of hers?" He assures her that he's going to do it for real, and she laughs. "Fine. But you're still gonna crush her, right?" She tries, as desperate as we've seen her for now, to catch his eyes, to show him her dress and how it matches his scarlet jacket, how she is giving in as long as you don't say it out loud: "We made a deal, remember?" Chuck excuses himself, and she stares down, at the dress. His hands, below her robe, and this dress now: she's doing Serena's thing, putting herself in the cage and hoping she's right so that nothing is her fault.
"Some housewarming. Good thing I didn't bring a casserole," Vanessa says. I've been having some allergies this week, so the coughing snort, the gchhhhhhnk sound when she said that, was particularly resonant. Your ass brought a loser casserole. He offers her a drink, but Bart arrives to nail him to the wall about whatever and he takes off. Blair watches Vanessa for a moment, standing there, invited and actually comfortable, standing in this room, not the slightest bit cowed or humiliated. Their eyes meet, and they both know that V is winning, and they both are confused and sort of terrified by that. B puts it together, and her stomach drops. Be careful what you pretend to be, because you are what you pretend to be.
Nate and Jenny dish about how Rufus let her drop out of school to be famous, and Dan has to throw his bloody two cents in and Rufus is like, "HOW ARE THINGS AT HOME BECAUSE YOU ARE HOMELESS" and Dan tries to change the subject to the Bouncing Off The Knees of his gayness, and Nate grins affectionately at him before addressing Rufus's question, which is that his homelessness is going swimmingly. "You staying by yourself? Isn't that kind of lonely?" Nate admits that he's lonely, and it's only his breeding that keeps him from gesturing to Dan to prove just how lonely he must be, but says he wants to stay there, mother or not: "I mean, I grew up there. You know, it's where all the memories are." Even Rufus is like, we have a crisis situation, but I don't know what it is so I don't know what inappropriate thing to do or stupid thing to say. Or else Dan and Jenny already told him what's up, which would be dumb and they know that, but doing dumb things anyway is what being a Humphrey is all about.
Bart goes the hell off on Chuck about investing in the Brooklyn Inn, and Chuck holds his ground, telling him to read the proposal before freaking out. Bart, even though Victrola is I'm sure still quite successful, is so full of hate for Chuck and his matricidal ways that he says fuck the proposal, and Chuck goes into full-on sales mode. "The tax break will be huge. Saving a landmark buys us amazing PR, engenders goodwill in the community, paving the way for future investment." Vanessa's Spidey sense goes off and she realizes she could be eavesdropping on something somewhere, so she appears immediately. "Plus, it's a great place." V smiles as Chuck continues: "Look, Father. Let me take you there and show you around. I'll make you a believer, I promise." Bart tells him to eat a dick and doesn't care if it's a good idea, because he is hateful, and Vanessa is like, totally sad because Bart is reading Chuck the riot act like he often does, and she realizes that sometimes people have reasons for being how they are and that sympathy for other living human beings is more important than being the most judgmental asspimple in the room. But don't worry, because obviously she will forget this fact in five, four, three...
Nate helps clean up and begs off, citing tiredness; Dan is like, "But Scattergories! Which even I just realized is no way to convince anybody to do anything!" He offers a couch spot because it's late, and Nate's pride says no, no no to everything, and Dan finally comes clean about the whole thing: the B&E, the secret shame, the abduction. Nate tells him to fuck off because they're not even friends because one soccer match and a Bulldog threesome are nothing compared to the depth of emotion he's built up over the slightly freaky years of his only friendship with Chuck Bass or whatever, and of course asks Dan earnestly to thank Rufus for the chili before he leaves with that same Tippi Hedren horror he always gets when dudes pretend they own your ass.
Chuck recovers from the beating in a side room; Vanessa enters in a beautiful dress and complicated, flattering necklace she could never afford even though they suit her style, and she immediately tells him she was listening to how horrible Bart is. "You deserve better," she says, and her eyes are limpid pools or whatever, and he's like, "Yeah, but probably my Dad is right and I'm a horrible asshole, or else this little game I'm playing with your mind is real and I'm in vulnerable trouble, which means I've got two problems because I am already playing risky mind games with Blair, and I can't possibly do that with both of you while still pining for Nathaniel Archibald, so let's all agree that my father is right and I am soulless." Which is how last season ended, but the stakes seem higher now, possible due to the fact that Lydia Hearsts's fetus-head is nowhere around. V's like, if you say so, but as she turns to go he grabs her hand, begging her to stay because somehow she is now his only friend left. She smiles with that infinitely caring look she gets, and B is of course watching from outside the room, and you can see steam coming out her ears from the furious planning and figuring she's suddenly doing: first the total chaos and then the loose ends.
Eric explains that bringing Jonathan to the party is equivalent to outing himself and Jonathan to a national magazine, which is totally intense, but Serena's not hearing that even though it makes total sense. "...I think he's trying to protect me," says Eric. Remember when they were still saying that Eric was in Florida and not the booby hatch, and Bart brought him all that Florida crap? Anyway, the In Style people come up to interview them, and Ariel immediately opens with the safe-seeming question of whether Serena has any memories of their incredibly close-knit family. Serena just about throws down on him, and Lily's like, "I need to talk to Serena far away from you right now. And then I will come back and talk about how we went to Mustique and had an imaginary time that was awesome."
"Don't you mean you and Constantine? Or did you forget, the same way you forgot to say good-bye to me and Eric every time you left?" Lily begs her not to do this, acknowledging the issues she may be having with new-dad Bart but asking politely that she not also sabotage their entire debut. "What? I'm not doing anything. I thought we were just sharing memories of what a close family we are." Ariel's cherubic face lights up with Schadenfreude. "I remember this one time, um, when I was eleven, Eric and I wanted a White Christmas. Luckily, mom's husband was a raging cokehead, so he left blow everywhere..." Lily laughs so she doesn't barf, and even Eric's down to admitting that it was a shitty way to grow up: "It wasn't everywhere -- just on the smooth, shiny surfaces."
"Was that, um, German Klaus with a K, or Danish Claus with a C? I can't ever remember which ones she actually married, or ... which she just decided were more important than her children." Lily stares down at the scary monster her daughter has become and Serena finally gets it: "You know what? I was wrong. It's not Bart at all, it's you." Lily nods, grasping the other half that Serena hasn't figured out, meaning they have the entire equation but they don't know it yet. "Looks like the Bass housewarming party just got a little colder. Serena's walk down memory lane has her heading out the door..."
Vanessa and Chuck take a turn around the party before she heads off to the bathroom or something and he sips his champagne. Blair appears with total game face, having decided on the next phase of her wild plan: "Bet's off." Chuck knows he's got her, and complains it's not over, but now B's the one claiming boredom: "You were right. Vanessa's not worth playing with... Pursuing Vanessa is beneath us both." Chuck thinks he gets it but he doesn't: "Why the sudden change of heart? ...You think I'm going in for the kill. You're worried you're gonna have to go through with what you promised!" Exactly wrong. Exactly 100% precisely wrong, not that B even knows that for sure yet. "I'm not. ...Worried... About... That." Chuck smiles and asks what the problem is, and she runs off in a huff, because she doesn't know either, but she's starting to, and it disgusts the part of her that doesn't know the difference between pretending and being. He watches her go, and I think the most touching thing about all of this is that he still takes her at her word: she says she doesn't want to fuck him, he's going to try and work that angle, because she's such a blunt and brutal force of nature that you don't even think to be like, "OR! Is the OPPOSITE true?"
Lily sits across from her son in a lovely red gown, begging him as usual for the actual reality of the situation: "Eric, my darling, you are always