The Magnificent Archibalds
Updated 2008-11-18 09:03:01
"For the rest of the country, Thanksgiving is when families come together to give thanks. But on the Upper East Side, the holiday thankfully returns to its roots: Lying, manipulation and betrayal." Gossip Girl, you are a bummer and a half today. Maybe the hangover from your apparent drug weekend last episode is rebounding on you. Seek help. "And from what we hear? Just like the Indians, someone else is being pushed out of their home..." So I guess Cyrus is America and Blair is Native America? That's iffy, GG, not to mention offensive in some ill-defined way I'm not interested in worrying at, but on the other hand your righteous indignation on the part of our aboriginal brothers and sisters is noted. (Is Gossip Girl actually Vanessa? Is Gossip Girl Vanessa's lesbian sister with the van? Is Gossip Girl that little fake Indian girl that Marlon Brando sent to the Oscars?)
Although GG's cheery/hateful tone fits the scene perfectly, considering we're listening to Mates of State, who've taken the sweet melody/dark lyrics twist of the greatest '90s chick bands to this whole new place.
It's my only offer: stifle copies of myself ... In secret we believe we're nothing, nothing, nothing that we need ... Built up a wall made out of finer things/ Piled it high, so we could barely see it ... My only offer: Stifle copies of myself
Blair bitches about how Cyrus's stuff is filling up her house, and how "stuff" includes "annoying relatives." S recalls Aaron's sweet memories of his Nana, and Blair's like, That bitch leaves orange kiss marks on my face : "It looked like I'd been spray-tanned! And Cyrus' nephew spent the morning talking to me about Corn: Grain Of The Future. And his sister asked me to go shopping with her!" Serena leans against the locker thinking that's sweet.p>
Blair goes off about how she's going to make it the most perfect Thanksgiving ever, which you know means she's going to end up doing something shockingly crazy, and demands that S come over and help her bake a pie, but S is all about Aaron Aaron Aaron and whatever, and B points out that Lily always DVRs Big Love , so she'll get a kick out of Aaron's Ethical Slut ways: "He's just like Bill Paxton, only younger and with scruff." B puts forth yet again the viewpoint that Serena is doing herself a disservice by dating nonexclusively -- the implication is that, just as with Dan and Georgina and Blair herself, the downside of Serena's sort of diffuse personality is the risk of losing herself altogether -- and S rolls her eyes. "I'll admit it's been hard. I like him enough that I don't want to date anyone else... And you can't get the prize if you don't compete, right?" Blair points out the fifty things wrong with that sentence, and then Dan comes walking up. B's like, "BTW, I'm going to be a total bitch to him," and Serena asks her not to, and B is like, "Oh, I'm going to," all of this by saying the opposite but as fake as possible.
Dan asks if they've seen Jenny and B gives an awkwardly written and awkwardly blurted "If she's hiding from you she has better taste than I thought!" and then executes an even more awkward high school-movie kind of "I tried!" fake-smiley exit. Gossip Girl , this sort of panto BS is really just kind of beneath you. It's certainly beneath Leighton Meester, who seems to have decided to get the fuck out of the scene as quickly as possible instead of wrapping her face around yet more banal hijinks. Anyway, Rufus's entire parenting schema is to stand in the kitchen all day, call Jenny's cell phone, act shocked when she doesn't answer, and then be ignored by Agnes. S offers that Little J's been spending a lot of time with Eric, so maybe that's where she is. Then they awkwardly -- but organically and diagetically awkward, rather than just being poorly directed -- talk about how they won't be having Thanksgiving this year, and how it was so crazy last year because Allison Humphrey sucks donkey balls, and S says she'll miss Rufus's mashed potatoes, but not the drama of whatever. And of course Dan, perhaps thinking she doesn't mean it, resolves deep in the darkness of his big gay heart to bring her twice the effing drama of last year if he should have to move heaven and earth to do so. They are sweet and say goodbye, and he bumps into Nate and apologizes, and Nate hisses and spits at him like a cat would, and then Chuck runs up to kiss him hello and welcome him back to St. Jude's, but Nate just hisses and spits some more, and Chuck is sad.
Jenny and Eric meet with a lawyer to discuss the emancipation, and one look at Jenny's psycho hair and space-cocaine raccoon eyes tells her all she needs to know. She's about to pull down a dictionary and show them what the word actually means, but the tweens have it covered: Eric explains that Jenny has been making him watch Irreconcilable Differences over and over again, taking notes no doubt. Lawyer lady is not amused, and tells Jenny the next step: "Once you file, the state opens up an investigation into your family. There has to be proof of parental neglect." Jenny kind of balks, assuming that she could divorce her awful parents and disappear into the ether without them hearing about it, and the lawyer has kind of had it. "They need to know you no longer want to be their child." That one hurts, but Jenny pulls it together and straightens her spine, grabs the papers, and whistles for Eric.
Dan pours tea for Vanessa and asks what hellish lonely maladaptive plans she has for Thanksgiving; she does not disappoint, plus there's bonus Abrams suckage: "I decided to pass on joining my family at the Washoe Reservation, where they're helping to stage a protest. And my plan is to hole myself up in my studio, rent Berlin Alexanderplatz and eat a frozen Annie's Organic turkey dinner." That is the most fucking depressing thing I've ever heard; it's a sentence but it's also a calamity. Not even Vanessa sucks enough to suck this much. "No one enjoys a sixteen-hour German movie more than yours truly," quoth Dan Humphrey in a way that falsely suggests it's not true, "But you could come here instead." V isn't feeling it, due to Jenny kissing Nate one time a million years ago, and Dan's like, "She's not coming." Why? Because she has amnesia and her foot was amputated and she now beds exclusively prostitutes with Daddy issues. "I didn't realize it was still that bad between her and your Dad," says V, and just when you think she's actually being nice or sympathetic, pulls through to the other side: "Where is she having Thanksgiving? With Nate? " Yeah. Down at the Soup Kitchen where they both live now, you total idiot. You should go volunteer there instead of watching Fassbinder movies and waiting for someone to love you. What I would not give to watch one actual homeless person with legitimate problems take her ass down a peg.
"...Uh, Nate and Jenny aren't spending time together anymore," Dan elides, as though this has anything to do with Vanessa and isn't completely about his own jealousy about Jenny taking a ride on the Archibald Express. Vanessa allows that, horrible though the Humphreys may be, as long as Jenny's not there she might see her way to watching Dan and Rufus act like total spazzes, pretend to care about football, and eventually pass out on the couch with a dusty guitar and a blank Moleskin in their respective hands. Rufus enters screeching about how Agnes' mother -- Courtney Love, not Donna Reed -- finally told him that her daughter is supermodeling in Tokyo, but now how she additionally did everything she could to ruin Jenny's life, or how she awesomely got to yell, "YES JENNY I AM INSANE" at the top of her lungs while setting shit on fire. That's the number one way to say farewell to New York City. Rufus is like, Well, my fifteen-year-old daughter's now been missing and homeless for about a month, and nobody knows where she is or where she's been for literally weeks, so I guess I care. "I think I have to call the cops!" he says, fussily taking off his gloves, and Dan suddenly remembers to care. In this "Oh, that reminds me" tone of voice, he casually mentions that he totally solved this mystery and then forgot that he solved the mystery.
Lily and Bart come back from Necker Island a day early only to find the apartment empty. Bart's like, "Your children are heathens, we should have them microchipped," and Lily knows he means it, so she's relieved when Rufus calls, just like he does every ten minutes of every day. She answers the phone and he fully goes, "IS MY DAUGHTER THERE?" Like all of a sudden who cares about taking off your mittens, now it's time to parent, and Lily's all, "Yeah, you rude ass, she's not here. Nobody's here, why would Jenny be here anyway. Maybe she's with Eric." Rufus says she's been squatting in secret for at least a week, and Lily's like, "Don't be retar... I'll call you back," having spotted Jenny's stuff in a neat little pile in a completely obvious place in the house
Anne springs the Captain on Nate, causing Nate to have a spontaneous psychotic break and become a very awesome actor. I've always loved the character, and the actor seems very cool, but in this episode I must say that he is MVP. I believe every single thing with him, this week, and it's really kind of moving for once. How weird is that? Almost as weird as the fact that the Captain's now wearing Rufus's cableknit rollneck lady sweater. Why does this thing keep happening to people? Gossip Girl randomly goes, "Just like Nate Archibald, Gossip Girl has a family waiting for her today. So although I'd love to stay and chat, I'm signing off until after Thanksgiving dinner: Just in time for pie, coffee... And surveying the damage." Translation: "Gossip Girl just read back over the intensely bizarre shit she said last week and realized that she was powerless over her addiction to crazy pills, and will now be entering Promises for the remainder. Remember, Supper Beast Sliders: Don't bury the bone in a fish that grows in Brooklyn. You apple tree feel know me! ΨΘΨΘ, Gossip Girl..."
Nate stares dewily at the Captain talking about life in Dominica and how great it is by the ocean, and Nate's predictably offended by all of this, and the entire time Anne is literally just wandering through the scene for no reason like some kind of Beverly Hillbillies chase scene where she comes in a door, shouts something weird, ducks behind the couch, appears in a closet and yells something weird, slides up a fireman's pole with a pennywhistle sound, walks in like a duck from the other side in Groucho nose-and-glasses, pretends there's a staircase behind the divan that she's walking down, honks her clown nose... She must be as bored as we are. The only good thing about this scene, which is just completely what you think -- Captain being all, "Please don't punch me like you always do when we have this conversation, and instead move with me to somewhere far away" and Nate being all, "I just want someone to love me for once without money changing hands" -- is watching Chace Crawford perform his craft. The utter lack of facetiousness in that statement is a big surprise for me, too.
Lily takes Rufus out on the boardwalk just like last year so that if he tries to throttle her for gently course-correcting his insane parenting, there will be witnesses. (HEY! Remember how last year Dan was here with Allison and she talked about how she wrote thinly veiled hate literature about Lily Rhodes and called her like "Millie Bodes" or whatever? That must be where Dan gets his stupid Charlie Trout tendencies. I give Rufus a hard time because he's so clueless, but I will always allow for the possibility that the real culprit for any particular instance of the Implicit Humphrey Suck is actually Allison. She's just such a dick .) Lily tells Rufus that yes, she's got Jenny in her clutches, but no, she's not going to perform extraordinary rendition because Rufus is still behaving like a stubborn and petulant child. She will talk to Little J, figure out what the issue is, solve it, and then give her back. Sounds good. "All that might be true," Rufus says weakly, because he never met a problem he wouldn't willingly let somebody else solve (to wit: witness teenage Vanessa's slow but nearly complete takeover of the Bedford Gallery), "But it's Thanksgiving. Jenny needs to be with family." Lily says, and I admit it brought a tear to my eye, "She is." Point, set and match! Rufus is vanquished and just tells Lily that Jenny likes marshmallows on her yams or whatever stupid thing, and Lily's like, "You could not be easier if you were my daughter Serena."
Blair is trumpeting that she has the house to herself for a second, while Serena is hanging at Aaron Rose's house -- next to an entire wall découpaged floor-to-ceiling with pictures of herself , because apparently Georgina just fucking burned out the entire part of her brain that recognizes/responds to sketchiness -- and explaining that he's making dinner for them. "Which would be completely romantic and amazing, except when I asked him where he was today, he said he was hanging out with a friend. I know I'm probably being completely neurotic, but all I could think of was, was this friend a girl? A girl he kisses?"
Which... I know I always said that the grossest thing about Serena and Dan was that she was using him way worse than he was using her, by forcing him to be her moral watchdog. But this whole thing about Serena losing herself slowly to the next boyfriend doesn't actually bother me, because it's well-done, true-to-life, and very sad. But also because, counter-intuitively, it's actually very much in character. While Serena is the IT and Serena has never worked for anything before, and thus going all Ten Things I Hate About Shrew with her hand under Aaron's boot seems to be a bullshit Kate Minola move, think about this: How many times has Lily gotten married? How far under was Eric willing to let Asher push him? Do the words "brief conversion to Islam" ring a bell?
Blair is, of course, horrified, but in the awesomest way: "A woman needs to be with a man who thinks of only her. Anything else is a nonstarter. Tell him how you feel." Without really taking the phone away from her face, she screams, " Dorota ! More flour." Miss D obliges, rolling out the crust, and Serena hilariously goes, "Are you baking already? I thought we were supposed to do that tomorrow." So, would that date tomorrow also be to backseat drive while watching Dorota perform menial tasks? Is that "baking" for these girls? Did shrieking invective at the slothful Chipotle stoner making my burrito last week, and eventually slapping his impertinent little face , make me a chef ? Because if so, just call me Emeril. BAM! "I needed a little tradition of my own to keep me grounded. It turns out the Rose family has a restaurant Thanksgiving ." The livid disgust in that last adjectival phrase makes ichor drip from your ceiling like it's some new technology or science of TV. "You know B, the thing about traditions is you can make new ones. For all you know, you could like his family dinner more than your own!" Serena: sometimes it's like she's being criminally earnest, other times it's like she cares so little that she just opens a random book to a random page and reads a sentence. I think she's just got a lot going on in that gorgeous noggin, and knows well enough to gauge the actual Blair Defcon from subtle cues of tone and inflection. Why go for Proust when it only calls for Robert James Waller? Save your energy. Aaron whistles for Serena and she instantly hangs up, with this very cute exchange:
Blair : Remember, Serena doesn't share.
Serena : Remember, Blair should learn to.
Eric comes in to case the joint preparatory to sneaking Little J in, and Bart surprises him all, "So we're both home early! Chuck said he thought you were going out with Jonathan tonight." Eric texts Jenny to stay frosty, and then... Bart and Eric talk about his gay relationship for awhile. Yeah, it's kind of surprising, but you just have to roll with it. Maybe Eric's just trying to scare Bart off? But nobody with skin that texture scares easy. He's like, "I don't think it's working out with Jonathan" -- which: say it ain't so, Cuomo! -- and Bart completely flips the script and goes, "Yeah, it's really not. You should ask him about how he's fucking the captain of his swim team, whose name and home phone number I have right here in my hand, along with the archival footage of those two teenage boys hooking up with each other."
Eric's mind is so fucking blown that it propels him up the stairs and into Chuck's room, where he's delighted to see Chuck is home. And here's what Chuck's up to right now: getting a shave and facial from a silent woman in a French maid costume, while they drink martinis together, wearing a smoking jacket. "My plans for the evening got held up at Customs," he smarms, but I think these "plans" are imaginary as I often do, because he's got an image to protect. Eric must not know that he is impotent, because he loves Eric the most of anybody besides Nate, who I guess also must not know about the mechanical errors, so: "plans." Eric's like, "YOUR DAD TOTALLY JUST BLEW MY WHOLE MIND" and Chuck's like, "You know I have a PI on retainer -- you think Bart wouldn't?" He clinks martinis with the French maid lady at this point. He is like twice as Chuck Bass right now as usual, it's awesome. Eric's like, "Isn't that totally fucking fucked up, though? Am I wrong here?" Chuck, because why would he know better, is like, "I don't even know what fucked up means. It's what we do. Remind me to tell you about the time I found these amazing surveillance photos of Gina, my hot Italian au pair who later molested me and contributed to the insane mess I am!" Eric takes a pass on that one, and Chuck offers him the keys to the vault. And because it's Gossip Girl , yes: there is literally a vault, with literal bars of gold in it.
"Bad Man's World" by Jenny Lewis -- of course he listens to Jenny Lewis -- plays over Serena and Aaron's dinner, which I think is garnished with Lunesta or something, because these two make me feel Tin Rust Roofied. Serena's all, why are you being all romantic, when what we are is cold mechanical closed-mouth kissing while you hook up with everybody under the sun? Those are opposites. He says that she's all he thinks about now, and she's all over that, and then pulls the whole high schooler-dating-college boy thing she always does -- and never pulls off -- where she's like, "And then I ironically pretend to be blasé about it, which is already ironic, so now I'm like postmodernly allowed to be coy and cute about it again," which is true-to-life, again, but not something Serena should really be attempting. He tells her he wants to be a one-woman man, and she says she wants to break out the champagne, and he tells her he's glad she didn't.
Was I born as a promise to keep the peace/ Or meet the shame?/ It's a bad man's world... I'm a bad, bad girl/ It's a bad man's world...
Why? Because he's like really into just living right now man and he's experimenting with sobriety so he can like see the colors and whatever without all those buffers and filters and that modern life bullshit and just be like really real, you know man? She's like, "Oh yes, I remember kindergarten before my Drew Barrymore period began, and now that you mention it, my art was really authentic back then." He says he needs somebody to keep him on track, and he's decided that it's her. The tables have turned! The codependent controlee becomes the codependent controller! She's like, "If I remember correctly, this means I have to go live in Brooklyn and talk shit about your entire life 24/7 to anybody who will listen, and call you a bitch if you act up." Aaron, of course, is like, "Well, more like you're a high school girl who's too dumb to see through my miles of BS, and therefore untouched and innocent and a virgin who has never tasted alcohol. I mean, if I'm using you anyway..." She's like, "YES. Yes, I get you now. Ten four." So then, he clarifies, she is to be depended on not to bring him over to the darkside? She thinks for a second with that yee face because just how much of a loser is this dude in actuality, submerges her entire personality like always, and lies to his face about how she used to party but you know, she's like totally over it now because it's so juvenile.
Bart follows Lily around the house bitching at her about how they need to know what's going on with the kids, as it's happening if not sooner, and this also involves hiding people in their bedrooms for weeks at a time undetected, and Lily's like, "This is complicated." Bart's like, "But did you ground Eric?" And Lily kind of half-lies like that thought had entered her mind and she just hasn't executed it yet, and Eric tries to end-rush past them, but Lily catches him and she's like, "Oh, P.S., we totally know about Jenny." Which blows Eric's mind AGAIN about the surveillance, and he doesn't even have the presence of mind to reply. Lily tells him to fetch her with a quickness so she can start undoing the damage of years of Humphrey parenting and save a family. I love this show for so many reasons, but a biggie is how every week one of their families gets "saved" and it's always a different one and then the next week everybody's family is fucked up in some new way and they have to get saved again. I love that.
Blair walks into the kitchen, where Cyrus Rose is totally noshing on her pie . Like, going to town. She thinks about stabbing him to death, but when he criticizes her recipe ("The ratio of cinnamon to nutmeg? Not Enough!") and giggles, the rage becomes too powering even for her, and she wanders dizzily off to find a shotgun. Running into Eleanor on the stair, she tries to sound convincingly sane: "Mother? Why are you letting Cyrus ruin everything? It's all about his family, and his traditions, and his notes on my pie..." Eleanor, noting the ascending squealiness of her voice that promises Armageddon, pulls her aside: "You always think the worst of people! Cyrus made reservations for dinner at your favorite restaurant, the Gramercy Tavern, so he's having the chef make your favorite recipes... oyster stuffing that you like...?" Blair is momentarily calmed by the concept of anybody meeting her needs, but gets back on the rage horse immediately about how that's hardly the point. Eleanor gets intense and conspiratorial, not angry like she normally would, but more conciliatory: "The point is that Thanksgiving is a family holiday, and this..." -- she points to B, then herself, then in Cyrus's general direction -- "...Is our family now." Eleanor chucks her under the chin and nearly laughs: "Now you get with the program, and fast." Eleanor heads over to Cyrus and he feeds her pie and it's disgusting, just revolting, and meanwhile Dorota's like, "I know a thing." Blair tells her to cough it up (" Who do you work for? ") and she folds. "Here's the scoop, they totally got engaged today, and they're telling everybody tomorrow." She's overjoyed for Eleanor, but keeping it quiet, and she's like, "Tomorrow when the whole stupid family is here, it's going down." You can almost hear the clock in the belly of the crocodile as Blair seethes about this one.
Lily sits Jenny down and is totally sweet with her, and Jenny's very cognizant of how awesome Lily's being, how desperate she is to get Jenny out of her house and back with Rufus, how grateful Jenny is for getting to stay there, she gets all of that, but she's also like: "Um... You don't know how he's been, so... Yeah." Lily reminds her gently that Rufus is her father, and joke of the universe or not, the punchline is that Jenny has proven herself incapable of raising herself to the degree that Rufus has succeeded for the past fifteen years. Jenny's not hearing it and lays a patch upstairs, and Lily totally-by-accident finds the emancipation papers in her purse, which of course is too heavy for even Lily's cool to withstand.
Dan and Rufus are shopping for their three-person sadsack Thanksgiving, and Rufus is like, "I'm so sad Jenny won't be at Thanksgiving," and Dan acts like Rufus missing Jenny is this amazing insight he's just had into their relationship, and puts it in the douchiest most presumptuous language possible: "You know, in the all arguments you two have been having, I haven't once heard you tell her that." Like the world was just holding its breath waiting for him to say it. And of course, Rufus is dumb enough that he's like, "EUREKA!" Because whatever the guilt-tripping lowest-effort thing is, that's what he'll do: "You mean I just have to tell her I miss her, and then she'll allow me to destroy her dreams of independence?" To Dan's credit, he's like, "Do you really have to be that intense about agreeing with me? Because it makes me feel like the helpful suggestions and insights I constantly offer are less than welcome or unusually inane." Aww.
Rufus spots Aaron Rose, who makes a big production out of "not saying" where he's going for Thanksgiving, forcing Dan into the position of being like, "I am totally cool with you dating Serena," and Rufus gets the fuck out of there because when Dan and Aaron touch, it will create antimatter and blow this Trader Joe's to Hell. As it is, they don't touch, but the passive-aggressive transparent manipulative bullshit crossed with neither-as-subtle-nor-as-masculine-as-you-think territorialism could peel the paint. So Dan's like, "You know what Thanksgiving reminds me of? Last year, when our intertwined families had Thanksgiving together and it was so memorable and amazing and crazy. We fucked about a month later." And Aaron's like, "I'll tell her family hi, if they even remember you, and also: maybe I see Serena as less complicated than you do, but probably that's because our love is pure, and more stable because we really get each other." So Dan has to be all like, "Except you don't know the real Serena at all, then, because I do, and that girl is a drunk whore," and Aaron's all, "Well inside that Serena is a secret Serena that only I know, who is totally sober now," and Dan's like, "Well, the Serena you're talking about was born six minutes ago because she went on a total bender three episodes ago, but then I guess you would know that, not to mention our whole Georgina breakup last spring which I wrote a short story about because it was so meaningful, which you probably haven't read even though it's really good, and I called her Doreena in it," and Aaron's like, "So what kind of cheese should I take to her family's Thanksgiving that you're not invited to where we're all going to have total fun and my hot tall girlfriend is going to blow me because we're exclusive now," and Dan's like, "Your girlfriend is a whore, and me saying that proves I love her more, and she doesn't even like cheese anyway, which you don't even know because I win and you smell like cheese," and Aaron's like, "Oh, you know what? This sucks, because amazingly you suck even more than I do," and bounces.
Blair tries once again to act not-crazy under the auspices of being totally crazy: "Mother. Is there anything you want to tell me?" Eleanor says yes, but wait for dinner. "Of all the things you've done, Mother, this is one of the worst." Eleanor is honestly confused. "I'm your daughter. Lumping me in with everyone else to hear the news?" Eleanor's like, "Too crazy, I have to ... um, call the restaurant and confirm our reservation. Sometimes I do that." Blair, screaming, launches herself at Dorota immediately: "Dorota! Get it together, we're leaving. If I'm just like anyone else to her, doubt she'll notice I'm not at dinner." Dorota's like, "Um, Thanksgiving is your favorite holiday, you never effing shut up about how it's your favorite holiday." Blair says that Thanksgiving is no longer her favorite holiday, because everything is ruined, because... Cyrus ate pie. Blair, I wish you were more of a mystery, because when I can wince at very clear memories of doing precisely the same shit as you, for the same reasons , in the past so recent you, dear reader, would be shocked unconscious , it makes me feel like... It is I who am in fact the crazy one.
Vanessa -- who's catching up on some paperwork, doncha know -- runs into Nate at Bedford Avenue. Why's he there? Oh, he's dropping off a Pixies box set and thank you note for Rufus, because you see he borrowed a Pixies box set from Rufus. A box, one presumes, containing CDs. (Oh, sorry: CDs were these plastic discs, actual physical objects, that the people of a certain era would insert into an ungainly machine in order to produce musical sounds. They were tremendously fragile but very popular, and the the people would go to worship them at huge sky-scraping temples called VIRGIN, which in that time was a kind of mercantile arrangement. One never knows how much to share when something randomly becomes a fucking period piece for no reason.) Anyway, I do believe in Nate's thank you note, because the fact that he is that guy is why he's my favorite, because even with no money he was still Nate, whereas if say Dan suddenly became rich, he'd still be classless. They talk about how they're both uncomfortable visiting the DUMBO loft because of Jenny, and he almost starts crying about how -- through no fault of his own at any point, which is the worst part -- he managed to alienate Chuck and Dan and Vanessa, his three closest (if somewhat blink-and-you'll-it) friends, and is now totally alone, and when he goes to the Caribbean to eat worms, he will do so unaccompanied, and she has no idea what he's talking about, but he's doing such a great acting job that she's moved in spite of herself, and he says a frantic but cryptic goodbye, and I just... Wish something truly awful were happening to Nate every week, because he is really good at this .
Serena begs Chuck to keep quiet about how she used to be a huge drunk junkie whore, and of course he promises, and they both secretly smile about how much they love each other, and then Aaron randomly shows up with a fruit basket or cheese or something dumb, and she's really excited to see him and how they're exclusively dating, and he is kind of frosty with her because of the enthusiasm beatdown Dan Humphrey is constantly administering to everyone around hm. He asks about Georgina and -- clearly unaware of how this show operates -- the timeline of events wherein Serena could simultaneously have been a giant drunk freak six months ago in the spring but also a teetotaler, and instead of trying to explain the whimsicality of UES physics, she's like, "Oh yeah, Dan? He's sort of a stalker and lies all the time, so probably he was just being jealous and... I guess he's just not that over me. But hey, next time you're digging into my past and calling me a liar, could you not be so fucking transparent as to enlist my incredibly judgmental ex-boyfriend? It's like you're not even trying, which makes me think you don't really care. Girls appreciate a little effort now and then, you know."
Rufus has his hands in a pumpkin when Lily calls, and of course he screams all kinds of mixed-up ADD interrogatives into the phone, while Lily has a whole speech planned out so she waits for him to stop screaming... And this is the story of why they are in love. "I've been grappling with what to do all day... What to say, which one of you to talk to first..." Jenny's okay, but Lily knows Rufus won't be, and if she's anything like me she just wants to see the look on his face right before he goes into cardiac arrest from having pushed his daughter into legal action. You know? Like your parenting is not bad enough for the state to take an interest, but just bad enough that your child has opted out of the entire shebang . Awesomely, she lets Rufus twist in the knowledge that something horrible and mysterious is happening, and summons him to the UES even though they're all having Thanksgiving happening. Rufus tells Dan to call V and cancel for the nonce, because they have to go to Lily's. Why? Nobody knows. And Rufus is so dumb that he won't even notice that until it's actually happening to him, which is awesome. Dan makes the call, but Vanessa doesn't pick up because she's being accosted by the FBI and asked to act as a patsy to bring down the entire Archibald family at once.
Outside the Actual Vault of Bart, Chuck gives Eric the combination: "8-7-69: My mother's birthday." (Oh, I assumed it was another short story by Dan, whom let's celebrate can't even manage to title the non-stories he non-writes.) I like this because Chuck's making sure all of this is Eric's deal, Eric's choice, like, you open the box you win the prize, but you would be just as safe and much happier if you didn't open the box in the first place. And this is why I totally get why Chuck and Vanessa like each other, and I honestly hope they stay friends, because where Vanessa is completely against the concept of boundaries, Chuck's all about disclosure. He will fuck with you until the end of time, but if you can get him to understand that something important is occurring, you slip that thing past the forcefield -- like Serena, like Lily, especially like Eric -- and then once it's in the forcefield it's there forever. Which is one of the things he shares with Blair, but I'm talking about him and Vanessa, not romance.
Vanessa's image of herself is just as carefully constructed as Blair's or Chuck's, it's just that it's really stupid and lame and dorky so it seems like it took less work. But for Chuck to respect her enough to tolerate her presence -- and this would never work for V with Blair -- he has to see her acknowledge the fakeness of both him and her, and then be honest, because to get in the forcefield you have to let yours down first. And the really elegant thing here is that none of this could have happened if he hadn't faked her out during the Cruel Intentions thing with the Brooklyn Inn, so she actually thought he was being honest first, which is something she's grotesquely comfortable with, and she followed suit, so now he kind of likes her. And for her part, she's still reeling about the fact that he's human at all, which -- because Vanessa sucks so incredibly -- actually represents growth on her part.
And then there's Nate, which of all the people on the show, they can only share with each other. Chuck and Dan couldn't come together to help Nate, neither Blair nor Jenny could help Vanessa help Nate, and Blair and Chuck obviously couldn't do it anymore unless it was a full-foursome nonjudgmental-Breakfast Club reunion, so it really comes down to just the two of them dealing with Nate and each other now, which -- mainly due to the obvious fact that Vanessa and Chuck as an even slightly romantic possibility is just about the grossest thing ever invented -- seems a lot more wholesome and healthy than any other of the infinite combinations of people with Nate that there are and must always be because without the other characters, no amount of great acting would make him interesting. You could watch a whole show about the Waldorfs, obviously, and I bet Serena has more adventures walking down the street than most of us do in a lifetime, but Nate? Lacrosse, pushups, swimming, playing dressup, drinking moderately, compartmentalizing his Menendez rage toward his godawful parents, and occasional misty brooding. Sounds almost perfect, doesn't it. Well then, let me share something with you: it wouldn't actually be very cool at all. So now you know.
Eric is giddy at the contents of the literal vault ("It's like the end of every heist movie ever made. Are those gold bars? I didn't think they actually made those. Is that... Is that a sat phone?") but Chuck only has time to be a little bit adorable ("Encryption. Government prototype. Put it back.") before his phone rings. It's V, and he's like, "You know you want me," and she's like, "Picture how hard this call was for me to make," and he flips over to being an actual human until she brings up Nate, who hurt his feelings at school yesterday, so then he flips back to Charlie Trout again and she's like, "Chuck, I reiterate that this is serious" and he finally believes her and rushes off to Brooklyn which is I guess five minutes away so that they can save Nate, and pats Eric's arm so super-sweetly on the way out of the room, and then of course immediately Eric finds the files: one for each of the van der Woodsens. He pulls out his own, and the look on his face before he even opens it is heartbreaking. Kid needs a Dad! Or at least somebody to share occasionally the burden of covering the ass of every single person on this show . He was cheerleading for Bart when even Lily wasn't sure! This is really sad!
"Slave 4 U" is Dorota's ringtone on her BlackBerry either for everybody, for just Eleanor, or for anybody named Waldorf. All three of them are awesome possibilities; also awesome is Dorota's red coat with black fur collar, which is exactly what your maid would wear out if you kidnapped her to spend the day in the city. Blair screams at her not to answer the phone, and D's like, "But Miss Blair, it's your mom!" and Blair is just not having it at all. "We have nothing to be thankful for. This is the worst Thanksgiving of all time. And if we have to wander the Upper East Side like outcasts in a Jane Austen novel, so be it!" Dorota, quite adept at taking care of the little psycho, is like, "Maybe we go feed ducks at boat pond, like when you were little." What she means is, "If you're going to abuse me anyway, I might as well distract you with the exact right thing so that you can harangue me while doing the thing that is going to chill you the fuck out," and B fully falls for it in a hilarious fashion: "Fine. I'm not a monster. I won't deny the ducks their dinner. But if you look like you enjoy even one second of it, we're leaving."
I love that so, so much. "Okay, this doesn't have to be a vendetta: We can actually have a wonderful Thanksgiving together, and I thank you for that suggestion. We're doing it. But we have to both pretend that we are miserable the entire time, or else it'll be my mother's fault that we're having fun, and we only blame her for bad things, not awesome things like spending the day with you feeding ducks and making pies, which is actually what I would elect to do in the first place, if I didn't have all these schemes to run and people to ruin and parents to horrify." Plus you get to imagine Dorota standing behind Blair feeding the ducks and being like, "This is the most awesome fucking thing you can do in America, and we're doing it right now!" and Blair having no idea that Dorota is fully rocking out.
Lily hands out the champagne and Aaron doesn't want any so then Serena doesn't want any and Lily's like, "Not that I'm complaining but like, is this some kind of joke?" Serena is insistent that she requires no champagne, despite having lived on it most of her life, and is so committed to her lie that she goes, "I'm only seventeen!" Lily points out that this has never stopped her before -- Lily's about a sheet and half to the wind herself -- and Serena gets stressed and sends Lily off to show Aaron her art collection. He recognizes a painting and Lily praises his eye, and they walk off together so that Serena can go ahead and have a whole conversation with herself about her shoes, right out loud where anybody could hear her talking to herself. And not even like a conversation, like small talk. She's like, "Self, I'll be right back, I have to go change my shoes because they are killing me! You know how I get in tight shoes! I'm gonna dance later, how about you? Why yes I think I am, but we better change shoes first. Good idea!" Maybe she's talking to Cecil. Or hey maybe she's dating Cecil, and Aaron Rose is just the price you pay.
Jenny is wearing a charming, sophisticated plaid dress and looks like a million bucks, proving she can at least dress for dinner, and listening to Eric freak out about the files. "This is crazy, Jen! These are e-mails of mine, photographs, notes from my psychiatrist at the Ostroff Center..." Jenny mourns the degradation of doctor/patient confidentiality sympathetically, and asks what we're all thinking: "What about Serena's? And your Mom's?" Eric says he can't even bear to open them, they're five times as big, and Jenny's like, "I sort of care. Hey, how about my emancipation papers? I lost them." Right then, Lily calls up to them to come down and socialize, clearly on her third glass of bubbly which is when she's at her awesomest, and they scatter and scamper downstairs.
At the doorbell, Bart grunts about how Chuck is missing -- I guess his PI hasn't notified him about the high-level service to his country Chuck's managed to get pushed into -- but it's not Chuck, it's the Humphreys. Bart and Aaron gives similarly WTF reactions to their arrival, and Lily hands Bart some champagne. Dan manages to give a fairly unfake surprise that Aaron is unhappy to see him, and Bart does that "Daniel" thing he does, and then Jenny appears at the top of the stairs, freaking everybody out.
Serena is sitting on her bed hiding from the champagne when she gets the ever-so-pleasant double-whammy of both Dan and Aaron appearing at her door. "What's ... up?" she says weakly, knowing they're once again compared notes, and Dan tries to win the insultedness sweepstakes with a preemptive strike about how "[her] boyfriend" just called him a liar and why on earth would he do that when everybody knows Dan's soul is untainted by anything resembling a fault of any kind, and she's like, "Actually, Dan , maybe we should talk in private about what a self-centered little Gossip Girl you're turning into," and you can actually see Dan reassess the situation and do her a solid, admitting that the whole thing was a lie. It's super decent. Then of course he fucks it up by apologizing profusely to Aaron for lying while sending judging eye rays in Serena's direction. Aaron takes off for the Waldorf party, kissing her cheek, and Serena just rolls her eyes at Dan and sits on the bed like, "Yeah, we both know what I did, sorry you got pulled into it." He's fairly awesome and makes her laugh about what an ambitious lie she was trying to pull off, and they giggle about her notoriety. They apologize to each other, and he gives her a short speech about how if they learned anything last year, romance depends on full disclosure... Plus, the way this show works, it's all going to come out eventually anyway." Eric comes in with the files and goes, "Oh, it just did."
Nate comes into the coffeeshop to see Vanessa, and then spots Chuck there and gets pissy. Vanessa says it's less of an emergency and more of an intervention, and the FBI dude comes in while she's explaining about what he told her and Chuck. I love how... Not deferential, exactly, but just how patient the dude is with how dramatic they all are and how long it takes Nate to process everything. Basically, they explain, the Captain's in town to do even more dastardly shit than he did before, namely extortion and kidnapping: his plan is to get Nate and Anne all hyped about going back with him to Dominica, then get her parents the Vanderbilts to pay him off to go away without them. Nate's horrified, but doesn't really question that this is exactly what's happening, because he knows how bad his dad sucks. FBI guy explains that they couldn't trust Anne or Nate with the info because they could have been in on it, but then Vanessa explained that he wouldn't leave town without saying goodbye to her and Chuck, and FBI guy was like, "That makes total sense." So now they're trying to get Nate to fix it, again, this time by talking the Captain into turning himself over for good. They all seem to think that this is realistic, but even more realistic is the fact that the FBI guy is like, "You guys chat about it endlessly, I'm going to go read the paper. No funny business!"
Jenny word-vomits all over Rufus about how shit has been blowing up: "I'm sorry I didn't call you back, okay? A lot has been happening! Agnes kicked me out, she burned all my dresses, and then I had to crash with Eric, I had nowhere else to go and I couldn't tell anyone I was living here because then they'd tell you, and you'd be really mad..." Rufus makes a Serena-worthy pout and babytalks, "I'm not. I'm out of angry. Miss you too much." Jenny calls him out for guilt-tripping her at a very stressful and homeless time in her life, and he explains Dan's brilliant insight that he should tell Jenny that he loves her. Jenny, of course, is like, "And?" And the and is... Awesome. "And... I love you so much! I'm willing to let you go if that's what it's gonna take to get you back. And when the time comes for a court hearing, I won't stand in your way. But there's nothing you can do to make me stop loving you." He hands over the papers and waits to see if the magic talking worked its magic, and she's like, "I'm out, sorry. Love you too, ex-dad." Then he has a migraine in the hallway outside the elevator.
All three van der Woodsens come down the stairs staring at Bart, and he's like, "WTF has been doing on all day? People coming and going, Serena's talking to herself again, Eric's in some kind of gay jam, we have kids I don't even know about, Chuck's all over Brooklyn, and I haven't managed to get any information on any of this." Lily produces the files and tells him he better come clean first. He asks if they've read them, and Serena awesomely goes, "Not yet!" Eric says he only read his own. Lily's all, "We weren't supposed to find them? That's your excuse? Look, you did this to me and I dealt with it. But the kids? My kids?" Serena's grossed out that she knew about this, having so recently been the victim of a similar reveal of her past indiscretions, and Lily's like, "Later, S." Bart swears he's just trying to protect them, and then makes the fatally rookie mistake of criticizing her parenting head-on instead of by implication of his every statement like usual: "If you're gonna let your son and daughter go where they please and do as they please, someone has to look out for them." Lily is so over this fight she just yells something about trust and then bounces with the kids, handing Serena their files. "This day is about family, and if you're not for this family, then I'm gonna take mine and spend it with them." Bart is sad, but I'm with Lily on this one, because that last thing he said was a killer statement that basically indicted all three of them as lazy and out-of-control worthless heathens, which is... not really what he intended to do right then.
Speaking of lazy out-of-control worthless heathens, the Captain is running around packing like he just did a bump when Nate comes back to wherever he's been hiding. Nate's like, "Do you really think this is going to work?" and then clarifies that he's not talking about the plan they discussed, but the actual secret plan where he holds his wife and son for ransom. The Captain thinks about dissembling for a quarter of a second, and when he finally starts trying to explain and ameliorate it, Nate's heart breaks. "There's a different way to get our lives back, Dad. One that doesn't require another felony. The FBI are on the way here." The Captain begs, but Nate's strong. "Dad, listen. I love you, but if you can't do the right thing, then I can't respect you. So the choice is yours. You go out that service entrance and you ruin our relationship forever... Or you be a man and you turn yourself in when they get here." I don't know why that's the funniest line in the entire story, but it's like, how precise and melodramatic. "You catch a ride on that stanhope and you ruin our relationship forever!" The Captain explains that this is not a choice in the traditional sense, because it sucks either way, and Nate is like, "I'm sick of living in the mess you've created for us, and I'm not gonna do it anymore. I hope you won't either." Which point in the conversation, historically, is where Nate punches his dad in the face, but no: it's Thanksgiving.
Lily and Eric are eating at the same restaurant as last year, just the two of them, and attempting to be funny about it. Eric says Serena ran off somewhere with her file, maybe to burn it, and Lily approves. Eric comes clean about having read Lily's file, and then gets the calmer, quieter, more decent Eric version of upset: "I can't believe you didn't tell me you were in an institution like me. You were nineteen. Just a few years older than I was, and after everything I went through last year..." Lily's like, "Yeah, no. Maybe I should have said something, but I wanted to be strong for you. Plus, I really wasn't ready to revisit it." She feels crappy, and Eric immediately says that they will be discussing it for sure, but on her timetable, because he knows it takes time to get your act together about weird stuff in your history. She smiles and calls him wise, but when she asks where it comes from, he can't even keep a straight face saying, "The nanny." Not actually joking. They laugh, hard, and then she decides to take him somewhere more homelike for a real Thanksgiving dinner. Eric doesn't know where she's headed with him, but I'm sure you do.
Serena shows up at the engagement party and, since B's not answering their texts, offers to find out where she is for Eleanor and Cyrus. She hands over her file to Aaron, which is brilliant and a nice mirror to the Charlie Trout thing with Bart a couple weeks ago, and tells him Dan is not the liar, she is. She leaves, telling Eleanor where Blair is, and Aaron thinks really hard about how Serena is simultaneously both a fascinating and total enigma, and sort of boring, somehow, all the time.
Jenny's all frozen cold, once again feeling hobo feelings and walking down the street -- she spots B marching her way and immediately stops because while whatever happens next is going to be brutal and unstoppable, you also can't escape Blair. "What are you doing?" Blair asks her possessively, as though Jenny is as of this moment another problem on her plate, which is pretty much unconditional affection if you consider the source and circumstances, and Jenny fills it in for her. Blair's like, "Your Dad tracked you down? I have literally taken to the streets in a bid for attention, and gotten nothing for my efforts but a lovely afternoon at the duck pond. Your problems are bullshit, Jenny Humphrey." Jenny points out that, collateral and psychological damage aside, Eleanor loves the shit out of Blair ("in her own way," Jenny euphemizes) and B's like, "Yes, it's both burden and boon, but nevertheless your pathetic father outweighs mine, considering mine absconded to France and is not here for my favorite holiday."
Which, can I just say that while this was a good episode, I really don't like that B was sidelined on the Thanksgiving episode? It just didn't feel like an event like it did last year, and I think this is why. I mean, this could be central to whatever her storyline is coming up, but it just seems kind of filler-y, and I know that in two weeks there's going to be the big event episode, but that seems clearly van der Woodsen-Humphrey-Bass-related, so I feel like we missed out on a good chunk of Blair's day. Anyway, "The way your father loves you, I never had that. My own Dad, as sweet as he is, isn't here. Your father... Will go anywhere for you, anytime. I know because I've sometimes even made it happen." They laugh at all her Machiavellian ways, and then Jenny spots Eleanor over Blair's shoulder and grins hugely. "What? What? Is it my hair?" She pats her headbandless melon, terrified, and Jenny just laughs sweetly. "No. You're just wrong."
Eleanor comes sweeping up to them, and immediately throws her shawl around shivering Jenny, without even a blink of their past history or awkwardness. It's delicious and sweet and so very Eleanor, just like, "Jenny, you look cold," and then the shawl, and then she turns to B like "You've officially made your point, now get your stupid ass home." Blair hems and haws, and her mother pats her back, and Jenny quietly yearns for Eleanor to pat her back, and B's like: Got it . "I'll come... On one condition. Jenny has to go home, too." Aww, this is so great! This is the sweetest little scene. Everybody's being so good and neat and lovely! As Jenny sends halfhearted hate rays in B's direction, Eleanor bustles them both into the car: "Everyone should be where they belong on Thanksgiving. With their families." She mother hens them, her girls, ushering them back into the limo, and offers to drop Jenny home. Man! That scene was like Chrismukkah good!
While Anne wanders hysterically around the room yelling more weird shit at random and being totally ignored by the Captain and Nate, the FBI shows up. Anne throws a fit, and Nate holds her back, and Nate has a very lovely moment with his father before they haul him away, and then Anne and Nate cry in the empty foyer and hold each other up. I always knew Chace Crawford could do this, but if the problem is neither Chace Crawford whom I love nor Nate Archibald whom I love very much, then what the eff is wrong with Nate Archibald?
Nighttime, Vanessa and Chuck head over to Nate's house to see if he's there yet. Yes, the FBI gave back all their frozen assets -- although they still need the electricity turned on -- but more importantly, Nate wants to be totally sincere and tell them how much he loves them. Chuck steps two inches away and blatantly stares at Vanessa and Nate renegotiating their relationship for the eightieth time after quite clearly offering to give them a second, and they agree to maybe go out -- Nate mirrors Jenny's syntax about how they haven't talked in two weeks, which ... No, okay, I just figured that out. He sent that letter to Jenny two weeks ago thinking she would defy Dan's wishes and come find him, but she never got the letter so he thinks they're over, and meanwhile Jenny never got the letter, so she thinks they're over. So when she gets home and finds the letter, she will have to find him immediately, but he doesn't know that yet, so he's thought they're over for two weeks, so he should hook up with Vanessa. Wow, I totally didn't get that. Anyway, they're both down, and then she leaves (with a sweet little pat on Chuck's shoulder) and just before Nate envelopes him in the manhug of all time, Chuck's like, "Let's get drunk (first)." They laugh uproariously and throw their arms around each other anyway.
When B and Eleanor get home, Cyrus is sitting... With Harold! B wigs out and they embrace each other fiercely, and he apologizes for not getting their earlier, and then with all her characteristic bluntness and deep inner seriousness going full throttle, she shouts "This is the surprise? I thought you were getting engaged!" The whole crowd murmurs and Eleanor giggles, because fucking that up was the most Blair thing Blair's ever done, and she says yes, that she wanted Harold to vet Cyrus first because he's going to be her stepfather, and Harold gets right of approval on that. Harold and Cyrus are totally cute during all this. Cyrus calls for a celebration, and Dorota hands Harold a huge picnic basket containing a pie the size of a hubcap, and asks B if she wants some before dinner. "I guess I'm ready for a new tradition," Blair says, and her dad grins like that made any sense whatsoever.
Rufus and Dan return to DUMBO, sad that Jenny didn't come home even though they knew their hope was in vain, but it turns out she did come home ("I don't want to not be your daughter," she says tearfully, while ripping up the emancipation papers) and then they all group hug each other so hard their Humphreyness threatens to burst out and drench the loft.
Aaron comes to the Bass apartment and finds Serena, sad and exposed on the bed, but quickly tells her that he is not interested in reading the file. Serena's like, "Seriously, it's a lot of information and it's probably more time-effective if you just read it," but Aaron says some shit about how she can just tell him whatever she wants and that he wants to know her and whatever, and then kisses her. She's got a giant scary eyeball painting on her wall ever since Lily redecorated, and at first I thought it was just fucked up and ugly and would mean less sleep for the people in the room, but honestly: can you think of a better set dressing decision than a giant eyeball staring at her? Every single character on this show should have a giant eyeball painting on their wall.
The Humphreys are laughing about something stupid when Lily enters the loft with Eric, and fully says with a straight face, "It's Thanksgiving, and I couldn't think of anywhere that felt more like home," (Meaning of course that she wants to bone Rufus, but also that Bart is sort of scary") and then tells Little J she's happy she decided the same thing. She tells Eric ("E," she calls him) to get Serena, and he says he already messaged her. "What about Bart?" Rufus asks, meaning "Are we going to be lovers yet?" and Lily answers the more sane question she can pretend he's asking: "Not coming." Rufus is content with that, and soon whips everybody into a cooking frenzy. You know, with Lily and Eric there I actually like being in the loft. It does feel more like home.
Vanessa comes in and gives Dan some flowers for the table, and then picks her way through the landmines of the Jenny/Nate situation, saying she's just happy Jenny's home and that they should put it behind them because their friendship is more important than guys or whatever, and they all hug and wiggle around and act dorky and adorable, and it's Thanksgiving. Dan reminds Jenny to go through all her mail from the whole time she was homeless, and Vanessa immediately snatches the letter from Nate that nobody else noticed! Vanessa, you do not disappoint! "As the end of another holiday draws near, I'd like to take a moment to list all the things I'm thankful for..." Me too, GG! Starting with Vanessa's inherent horribleness! I am so thankful for it right now, because that is amazing !
In the limo, Chuck refills Nate's glass for the hundred times and shoots him some intense rape faces, waiting for his moment: "I'm thankful that no matter how dark things might get, old friendships can still be rekindled..."
Serena and Aaron chatting on her bed: "I'm thankful for new relationships that help us realize how far we've come from who we were..." (Or, you know, how far we're willing to pretend we are, in the hopes of brainwashing other people like they want...)
Eleanor shows some guests her ring with Cyrus and Dorota, while Harold shovels pie into Blair's face: "And how close we get when we can really be ourselves."
In DUMBO, the mismatched six of them sit down finally to dinner, and GG relishes the moment: "I'm thankful to know that no matter what they say, you can go home again... Whether it's your home or not."
Outside, looking up at the DUMBO loft sadly and super-intensely and scarily, Bart calls his PI and takes back his original plan not to investigate why his wife was institutionalized. And speaking of boundaries?
"Excuse me," Vanessa chirps like anybody cares, "I have to go call my folks." She takes off into the other room, and GG practically gives a standing o: "But the thing I'm most thankful for? How even on the most giving of days, people can still do something unforgivable!" Me too! We are so in sync, Gossip Girl! Thank you for going to rehab. Vanessa rifles through the pages:
Dear Jenny -- I always try to be as honest as I possibly can. That's kind of hard when you come from a family like mine. Honesty really isn't something...
...But I can't hide the way I really feel about you. The emotions are too strong for me to just pretend that they don't exist -- I think about you all the time. Now that your brother knows about us, I have to stay away from you... But I don't want to. I really care about you. I just don't know what to do. -- Nate
Vanessa puts the letter back in her bag and heads to the table, to watch Jenny and silently plot how best to fuck everything up for everybody. "Signed, stealed and delivered, I'm yours... Gossip Girl."
I'm thankful that Vanessa's crimes are increasing at a directly proportional rate to her occasional brilliance, like, yes you saved Nate's family and fortune, but then you committed a felony of such interpersonally shitty proportions that everything just got awesome. I'm thankful that people don't take Blair's fake freakouts seriously, but take her real ones very seriously. I'm thankful that Jenny is finally home, not because I didn't love Agnes and Jenny's storyline the most of anything that's ever happened to her, but because it was running out of gas. I'm thankful for Agnes. I'm thankful that Eleanor pulled herself together so impressively this week, and that she's marrying Cyrus. I'm thankful that somebody is going to die next week, because that means these bitches will still be crying and waili