There Might Be Blood
Updated 2008-11-04 08:44:16
Horrible prints! Flapping around like the ghosts of samples past! Sewing machine, fast little hobbit fingers! "Spotted at Mood: Jenny Humphrey buying sixteen yards of tulle. But since when does Eleanor Waldorf pay for her purchases with a penny jar? They say a stitch in time saves nine... Will it save Little J?" Agnes is flouncing around with barely controlled excitement, screaming incoherently about how great it's going to be when they do whatever they've planned, and Jenny laughs, because meanwhile she's down to the wire. "At least your brother and the lodger went to go see a movie," Agnes says, because nothing clutters up the ad hoc atelier like Humphreys and their hangers-on, just ask Eleanor, but Jenny sees this as more an opportunity for Nate to continue avoiding her, post-mack session.
"He's still acting like he didn't stick his tongue down your throat?" Jenny admits that yes, although hello to the imagery, and Agnes says that usually, amnesia (or possibly/hopefully "manmnesia," I can't tell) doesn't come until after the sex, so who knows what the problem is. Jenny names all the alternatives besides the obvious: "I don't know, he used to date Vanessa? I'm Dan's little sister? Too young? I wouldn't know. We don't talk." Agnes says after tonight she'll be so famous she'll have ten Nate Archibalds on a string, and Jenny says she just wants the homeless one that lives on the futon, and Agnes tells her to go for it, then finally notices they're running late. "You need to sew way faster, because we are so screwed. Because ready or not, we're putting on a fashion show!" Jenny keeps working, totally focused, because she's still young enough to think that this literally is her last chance in life.
Dan and Nate, on a sweet little date. Dan's worried about Agnes and Jenny's secret stuff, and Nate nervously says he doesn't know anything about it, certainly not about how Jenny quit Eleanor's or how she's planning her big debut, and Dan's like, "How much privacy does she really need to watch Project Runway and eat pizza?" Then he gets a text from that toothy TA at Yale, Jordan "Yes, That Is My Real Name" Steele, whom Nate doesn't remember even though they totally had a threesome with her, and Dan laughs about how stupid Nate is in such a condescending way that Nate actually notices, and then reads him the text, which is that she gave his stupid stories to three different professors, and they need to talk. Nate tries to put a nice shine on it, but Dan knows that she means she's run out of professors to give him a recommendation, and needs to tell him so. Nate stubbornly tries to believe in magic, and Dan calls him retarded for the third time in this conversation, then abruptly ditches their date and runs off to quote "go home and stare at my phone." And since he was payrolling the date, that means Nate in his adorable cardigan will no longer be seeing a movie. Dan suggests that he corner Jenny about what she's up to, and Nate's like, "Um, right."
Serena and Blair are having tea with an old bitch, and B keeps cracking her knuckles and trying to talk about getting her ass into Yale, but the lady just wants to go on and on about Serena's amazing life and get the skinny on Karl Lagerfeld's birthday party. Dude, you already know what it was like: fucking weird, with a fan like a geisha and high shrieking voices and tiny little European boys getting fucked up on absinthe. Serena's like, "Speaking of fashion, Blair's mom is a designer!" Blair -- wearing the prettiest red dress -- almost opens her mouth, but the lady is all, "That's nice but man, I love hanging out with you so much, Serena van der Woodsen!"
Blair makes a face, and then the woman's cute husband (Malthus? Malkmus?) leaves, so Blair awkwardly gets to her feet like a good little lady, and is totally rebuffed. Blair falls back down while Old Bitch sees to her husband, and Serena's like, "Look, Liz and her husband are prominent Yale donors and good friends with the Dean, and it doesn't matter that they, like everybody else, are all over my jock. Stop cracking your knuckles and speak up." Blair pulls it together, but the lady comes back and is like, "And we're done. He's off to his business dinner, and I have to order room service for my daughter before I leave to meet my friends from Bryn Mawr." Because whenever a lady jumps the fuck out the joint the second her husband leaves, it's usually about getting the bluestocking gang back together.
Serena jumps to the occasion and pouts that the little darling will be there alone all night, and Liz is all, "Listen, as long as she has her Harry Potter book and a bowl of ice cream, she's happy as a clam." Yikes. Either Liz is really not tuned into her kid, or the kid's beyond helping. Serena shoves B forward and offers her for the night, saying she'll take Emma to a movie or something. Blair is terrified, but S keeps talking: "I would take her myself, but I've got something with my family, so..." Liz loves it, even as B is nudging Serena angrily, and summons the girl. "Anything for the friends of Dean Berube!" B says winsomely, but Liz doesn't even hear her. "Yes, mother?" says the little girl, who's like Jenny's age and looks like a skinnier Jennifer Love Hewitt from before she became the Breast Whisperer, or else that other girl from that show whose dad later invented toaster strudel, I always get them mixed up, and Liz is like, "Serena's friend, um..." -- " Blair, " Blair almost screams -- "...Yes, would like to take you to a movie." Emma is dressed like an organ grinder's monkey, BTW. She curtsies and Serena's like, "This is gonna be fun!" Blair digs her nails into her palm and Emma giggles cutely.
Immediately outside the Palace, Aaron lurks. "Hello!" he says, and Serena's like, "What is it that you are doing here?" He explains that he was meeting with a collector, but I don't trust him. She admits that she quickly solved the Cecil the Caterpillar riddle from last week, and grins all sparkly. "Camp Suisse. We got married and exchanged licorice rings." He remembers how she ate hers five minutes after the ceremony, gearing up for a lifetime of addiction, and he's like, "When did you remember?" About the time he was whoring it up on his motorcycle with some girl, and he's like, "Audra. Yeah, she's just a friend."
Aaron Rose! Is a less hot Justin Bobby! The evidence is unmistakable! You might not think it, but I feel this total warmth for Justin Bobby. No, that's underselling it. I love everything about Justin Bobby , and have done for like four years at this point. I honestly believe that Justin Bobby is the future human that we're all trying to evolve into. I want to be Lauren Conrad when I grow up, but I don't want to hang out with her; I would never date Justin Bobby but I kind of want to tote him around all day, in like a rickshaw. He swears he recognized her the second she walked in, and Serena says sweetly, "No, you didn't, but it's okay." Nice. He says you could never forget a face like that, and she's like, valid. "You know, I have this charity gala. It's actually here, and I wouldn't normally go, but my mom's being honored and my brother's out of town, and I'm rambling, but I was wondering..." Some new random girl runs up and kisses all over his face, and Serena's like, "We will finish this conversation in nine years I guess, because you just keep pretending you know I'm Serena van der Woodsen and what that means, and then you fool me again!" She stalks off and his hands are full, but methinks this isn't the last of Aaron-Bobby that we'll be seeing. Especially given that he represents the endpoint of thousands of years of human evolution.
Dan and Nate come home from their non-date, even though by the other scenes it's been several hours, just as Agnes is wheeling out a big clothes rack and yelling about how Eleanor's going to kill herself after tonight, but her face falls when she sees Dan at the door, because it's Dan and she knows what that means. The scariest thing about Dan is that not even Dan knows yet how he's going to fuck everything up for everybody, but at this point he must be just as confident about it as we are. "I spy, with my little lie... Someone getting busted!" Gossip Girl, I spy in my little eye a twinkle, and it's for you.
Emma comes out dressed like a hooch; Blair is boredly reading In Style so she doesn't notice right away: "So what kind of movies do you like? Something where the animals sing or... Oh, sweet heaven ," she says, jumping to her feet when she sees her. Awesome. "So Muffy McDonough's been bragging about how she's gonna lose her virginity because she finally landed a date with the lacrosse captain, they call him the Devirginator.." Blair goes, "Oh my God. Stop your mouth from moving." But there is no stopping Emma Boardman. Not tonight. "...But now that I finally have the night away from Mom and Dad, we'll see who's first. I'm saying TTFN to my you know what!" I love how she even talks like GG, that's so fucking clever. Of course she does, it's the same thing as how I keep trying to make out with giant butch lesbians because I think they're Rachel Maddow.
"Or maybe we'll see how your mom feels about your little clearance sale, Lohan." Emma shoves her hand off her shoulder and replaces it with a chip: "Please. I heard you talking about getting into Yale. Well, Dean Berube is like my uncle, so help me or I tell him how you took me to a club and got me wasted." B goes oh fuck because what do you do when Blair gets Blaired? Even GG is like, "Lady B's been outfoxed by a young fox!" Emma strides to the door and gives a Blairworthy speech: "Got a credit card, fake ID, and I want Bacardi and a boy. This body's open for business." B follows her out the door in her Wet Seal-inspired kinderwhore look, and GG goes highbrow: "It seems only one ivory tower has been stormed tonight." Don't count Waldorf out yet, lady. It's early.
DUMBO, where the ensuckening has begun. In the time it took Blair's jaw to hit the floor, Jenny has explained her current life plan in the most ineloquent way possible, instead of presenting things in a way that would imply she has thought about it at all, when the fact is that Jenny Humphrey thinks harder about the total chaos she brings than anybody besides Blair. "I had to quit Eleanor's! She was using me! Just like I told her she could! And then she did!" Dan's like, "Obviously Dad doesn't know about this, or he would already be on the phone to his booking agent and trying to learn the chords to 'Standing Outside A Broken Phone Booth With Money In My Hand' like he does every time his children do something abominable." Nate tells him to stop screaming and Dan's like, "Not now , darling, I am handling it" and Nate is all lovers-spatty-frowny-facey for a second because what, he left Chuck for this? Really, Brooklyn?
Jenny swears she'll tell the whole story to Rufus in a more linear less retarded way tomorrow, but to let her have to tonight to do the one thing that will make the difference for her entire life, and he starts looking at her clothesrack and she almost shivs him and screams, "STOP! We're putting on a guerilla fashion show!" I ... have waited my entire life to say that, just that way. Dan's like, "I don't know what that means," which is hilarious, because it means nothing except that Jenny understands if you don't eat the licorice ring immediately, all licorice rings will cease to exist. She says this, by the way, with a Brooklyn-appropriate Fucking Kenley Hat on her head like the doilies of the damned, or those velvet dresses that come on the dolls your grandma buys you that come alive at night.
"Okay, dipshit. I made these dresses, because I make dresses. Agnes is going to model them, because she's a model, and her friends are going to help, because they are also models. I am going to pay them in cocaine and dreams. This can only happen tonight, and if it doesn't, the planets will move out of alignment and the Skeksis will reign over our world for another thousand years. Got me?" Agnes comes in and gives them the best look: "Are we busted now or what?" Word, Agnes! Jenny begs insanely and Dan holds her fate in his hands just as long as he fucking feels like it before saying he's going to keep thinking about it elsewhere, and stalks off, leaving Jenny twisting as bad as he possibly could. He actually gives her the "sit/stay" hand as he's leaving, like she's a dog. Nate looks at her like "oh, girl" and she bites her lip in a fiercely adorable fashion.
Serena pours over all the pictures of Aaron-Bobby dressed as Cecil the Caterpillar that she apparently saved for the last ten years despite last week taking six hours to remember that Switzerland even exists. Blair comes in bitching at Serena about how she has once again ruined Blair's life, but ... I'm not sold on the writing for Blair this week, frankly, because there's not another layer going on here, she's just being a cunt because she's stressed, and if you keep pushing that button you lose the power of that button, which is showing how deep into meltdown she actually is, which ... this week, she's not that deep into meltdown. We're not learning anything about her, because she spends the episode being a bitch out of proportion to her motivation to be a bitch, and there's not a second layer here, so you have to imagine in your head that she's going back to the Yale jealousy from a few weeks ago, except that's not how Blair works.
If she's going to be a total bitch to Serena, she needs a new reason, and "once again my Yale dreams are endangered" just doesn't raise the stakes enough, in my opinion. Which gets even hairier in a second, because last year Blair was the one on a singleminded mission to lose her virginity, so by the end of episode she should have learned that something about that was dumb, but she doesn't seem to, beyond telling the little girl that she was in love with Chuck at the time she fucked him, which I do believe but I don't think B would have decided or figured out yet, so it's a little confusing because it comes off like she's lying to the girl and being a hypocrite, which it itself at odds with the explicit moral of her story here, which is that blackmail is only one of a number of options, which should be explored before you start taking people's marriages apart for your own purposes. Oh, and that her mother has fucked up her entire brain, but that's not something that she's going to work out in one episode.
Anyway, fishy. So Serena's all WTF and Blair "explains" crazily that "Little Emma" is "less Holly Hobby and more Jenna Jameson," which doesn't clarify. Serena totally goes, "Can you speak plainly?" Blair explains: "She's determined to become a woman on my watch, and if I don't help pimp her out, she's gonna character-assassinate me to the Dean." Serena's confused, because earlier it was made clear that Emma "liked ice cream ... and magic," which is one of those things Serena says that sounds normal until you think about it -- or how she keeps up this bizarre, rueful mad scientist dialogue with invisible Cecil the Caterpillar this whole episode -- and then you realize that Serena van der Woodsen is vastly weirder than we think .
Blair rolls her eyes at the pictures of Aaron Bobby dressed as Cecil, and totally shits all over the obvious romance Serena is having with the imaginary Caterpillar, which is less out of character, sadly, and keeps screaming: "Focus, Serena! You got me into this! And I'm not losing Yale because of that little tart's libido." Serena shoots an OMG ray out of her forehead and lays it out for Blair, which I love, because there is actually no need to freak out, but... (Okay, actually it does make a little more sense, because Emma's offense is located right in the middle of Blair's blindspot: how do you control through fear when the person has no fear in them? Little Emma has a clearly defined goal, means to accomplish it, and the upper hand. Of none of these things has Blair any experience being on the receiving end, so this is like Hurricane Emma. I can buy that.)
"Why don't you just occupy her for a while? Take her to the charity gala. When you get there, you can say you didn't know how lame it would be. Then it's time for her to go home. You're off the hook." This is why Serena always, always rules. Blair smiles adoringly at her, and Emma comes in talking about how she built an itinerary based on reading Gossip Girl: "I'm thinking we hit Socialista before Beatrice..." Blair grins at Serena, because she now has the option of thinking and smiling, because that's what Serena gives her: "See what I'm dealing with?"
"Emma," Blair says in her least-patronizing tone, "I was thinking, where is the glory in bedding down with some dirty Manhattan hipster who's probably filming you on the nannycam? You really want to make Muffy jealous? Have your flower plucked by one of the elite." So so gross, so so true. Emma's like, "Point me to the elite dick." Serena tells her they will, but distracts her further by offering her closet. Emma squeals like a girl who always wanted cool older sisters, or a mom, and dives in headfirst. Serena shakes her head and grins, and B is like, "I am so in love with you all the time!"
Dan waits at the Bedford Gallery Café and Jerkoff Refuge, and Vanessa's like, "These people in this café with their constant wanting to exchange money for goods and services! It is unfair!" Dan begs her to give him some advice about the Jenny situation, and Vanessa wisely counsels him to keep his stupid mouth shut, because Jenny is wrong and in fact this is not the end of the world, which cuts both ways: "Whatever this whole fashion show thing is, it sounds like she put a lot of work into it." Dan's like, "So we all just ... cover for her? You, me, Nate?" Vanessa awkwardly and abruptly tells him not to put her name in a sentence with Nate's even when it makes sense to do so, because how insensitive, and Dan's like, "Are you seriously bitching at me for taking Nate out of an electricity-free abandoned building?"
Vanessa admits that even she cannot derive ethical superiority from that circumstance, but Dan's equally dumb for asking if that's why she hasn't come to visit. Like because Dan did a good thing, her relationship with Nate should be fine. Of course, the psycho victim logic of that, she totally nods like it's valid, and Dan pushes her: "Just tell me. Do you still have feelings for him?" YOU BLOCKHEAD. What in the free-range organic fuck do you think? What a stupid goddamned conversation. I hate these guys! Vanessa gets very drama queeny and does some kind of interpretive dance about their epic love affair that lasted three seconds and mostly involved him fucking somebody else for money while she moped around stupidly, and Dan's like, "Fine. But Nate is awesome." Oh, Dan. You totally just pushed the Vanessa Abrams button of all time! Do not threaten V's judgments of who is good and who is bad! It will fuck you up! "It's funny how you're ready to condemn your sister, but Nate, who's done some pretty questionable things, gets a free pass."
Seriously, whatever else is going on? Vanessa is really good at being Vanessa Abrams. I dare you to diagram that sentence or otherwise translate it into a system of symbolic logic whereby those two things are related, because really what she's saying is, "I was already on Jenny's side because I am also a dropout and I believe in Agnes's bizarre illusion where fifteen year olds are the backbone of the entire artistic economy, but now I'm twice as on her side because you're dating my ex! You have been revealed as a bad person!"
Dan says that, in their meeting of the Special Judgmental People's Club, he is not judging Jenny for lying, because people lie. Dan does it all the time. He's not judging her, you see, he's saving her from the trouble she is about to get into by making some sort of "huge, life-altering mistake." Sorry, what? Does Dan think "guerilla" in this instance means like the classic Three-Phase Maoist People's War? Propaganda, escalating attacks against the military and vital institutions, and all-out conventional overthrow? Because yes, that would be a life-altering routine to pull, as a fifteen-year-old girl. As would a "gorilla" fashion show, because while they are gentle creatures they are also wild animals, and Jenny might not know how much caution to exercise during the show itself. Otherwise I don't know what he means, but it doesn't matter, because BOOM that's how he fucked everything up for everybody: "Who's about to make a huge mistake?" Rufus says, entering suddenly, and Dan and Vanessa, being of stronger ethical stuff than the rest of us, are too dumb to lie or cover it up in any way, and so must push Rufus's Parenting button, which is large and the shiniest cherry red, and has no sense of context.
Emma comes out wearing a lovely red Serena dress I recognize, and Chuck appears in the foyer wearing a totally cute plaid suit. He immediately introduces himself, and Emma's like, "...Bass... Oh my God, I read about you on Gossip Girl! You're like the devil!" Well, for the love of God just don't go up to the roof with him and drink a bottle of champagne and get yourself kissed, because if you do, people will never shut up about it, because nothing makes us feel more heroic than obsessively bitching about rape in order to set themselves apart from the rest of the so disgustingly pro-rape world. What was that old Poehler joke? "Asking Chuck about the rape that never happened is like forcing Jenny to not get raped all over again." Chuck loves the "you're the devil" thing, and chats her up a bit; she says she's going to the gala and hopes he's "coming," but Chuck says the only thing he likes that aged is scotch. "Blair told me it was all hot guys." Chuck says she's been taking for the first of a series of rides tonight, and closes in on her; he hands off a tiny present to the butler Buckman that Serena had waiting with concierge, and congratulates Emma on hooking herself a Bass.
Blair preens at the mirror to the point that Serena's like, "Your beauty is stunningly complete, let's bounce," and B smiles serenely. "Patience, love. The sooner we get there, the sooner the jig is up. I'll go check on the Vestal Virgin..." Buckman drops off the little box from the concierge: it's a licorice ring. "Well-played, Cecil," she mutters awesomely, and Blair comes running back in screeching about the vanished Emma.
Nate runs after Jenny, down to the dirty DUMBO street, and tells her to wait for Dan. Because just as soon as he's done ratting her out for no reason, he'll come back from Williamsburg and spread a little more sunshine. "No! There's no time! This is my one chance I have to prove that I can be a designer! Otherwise it's back to being Little J at Constance, except worse this time, because everyone's gonna know I failed. And since when are you so worried? You haven't spoken two words to me all week." Meanwhile, Agnes is yelling at the roadies they've assembled to take care with the couture: "Hey, why do you keep eating those pot brownies? You know sugar makes you spaz!" That is awesome. Awesome Agnes, your flameout is coming fast, and I will miss you desperately. Jenny pulls the whole "If you really care for me" card, and that's all it takes. He gets in the driver's seat just as Rufus and Dan and Vanessa come running up like the answer to a question nobody asked, but it's too late. This bird has flown!
Emma goes full-on Jenny Humphrey about like, "Wow! A limo!" and "This is exactly how I wanted to lose my virginity!" but he stops her when she tries to tell him her name. "Spotted: Bass taking the bait..." -- Emma climbs onto him with a businesslike focus that will serve her well -- "... Jailbait, that is!" Then, a commercial for Twilight : "She's a lesbian, he's incredibly gay. Come see the love that lasts forever, until a devil baby eats your spine. Sparkle on!"
Blair's stressing about the missing Chuck, all, "Text him again, before he screws that girl and any other chance that I had of getting into Yale!" Heh. Serena's once again got it well in hand: "I've texted him six times. I put out an APB on Gossip Girl with Emma's Facebook picture on it. Every girl in Manhattan will be on the lookout." Then Chuck comes back in and Blair attacks him wondering what he did to her. "Hey! She assaulted me and demanded I deflower her!" That does sound kind of scary. B says devirginating girls in the back of limos is his specialty, and he grins: "Just so you know, while there are few things I consider sacred, the back of the limo is one of them. When she realized she couldn't ride this thoroughbred, she bolted." B makes a grossed-out face, and he says she's headed downtown in a cab. Serena says Iz just texted that the bartender at 1oak said E. Boardman just used her credit card there," so Blair drags them both out of there and away from the sad gala downstairs.
Where Nate is standing with Jenny near the red carpet and paparazzi, having one of those Nate things where he forgets what's going on so that exposition can happen, like, he actually goes, "Jenny, what are we doing here at the Palace?" The thing in question where the guerilla fashion will take place is the New York Philanthropic Society's annual gala. Oh no! "I'm no fashion expert, but shouldn't the people seeing your show be, like, not friends with my mom?" Jenny shakes her head and lays down some knowledge. "We're looking for financial backers. Everyone is gonna be here tonight. Fortune 500 CEO's, LVMH, PPR, Hearst... We're looking for people with money, who can get us press." Nate is impressed, and Jenny blows that off: "Sometimes the ends have to justify the means!" OMG, maybe she's also confused about "guerilla" in this context. I always thought the Teen Revolution would be televised. "Here, I pulled you a suit on the way out. It would really mean a lot to me if you stayed." Nate thinks desperately about everything, like how come she has a bespoke suit ready to go in his measurements when most of her outfits seem to be riots of color with simple orthogonal lines and a bunch of crap glued to them, but before the thoughts reach his forebrain, she's giggled and run off. That's a trick she learned from Agnes!
At 1oak, Chuck's off to see the bartender, and Serena tries for like one second to talk about the licorice ring, and B tells her that whether it's "sweet" as in romantic or more literally, Serena needs to STFU until they find Emma. Serena spots Emma being nuzzled by elderly Eurotrash, and B goes, "Looks like you got nailed, just not in the way you wanted." Which is passable, just, and Emma goes, "Give me time. Serge and I were just moving the party over to his place." Blair is grossed out by the Sergeness of Serge, and calls Emma out on being totally tacky, and Serena tries to calm everybody down, but just then Scott who owns the place in real life and famously dated an Olsen Twin, so he totally understands this situation, distracts Serena with her fabulous life and shows her the table he's reserved for her, and Emma makes a break for it. When exactly did Emma become my hero?
Jenny sees the huge amount of people at the gala and gets a little nervous, and then sees the sign, NEW YORK PHILANTHROPIC SOCIETY SALUTES LILLIAN & Bart BASS, and gets a lot more nervous, but before she can run away the door guy asks for her name and she panics. "Uh, yeah, it's Erica. Erica van der Woodsen. Sometimes they leave off the A, my... My parents are the, uh, the guests of honor." The guy clears her, and she tries to leave again, but then Lily walks up. Jenny gets way awkward way fast, and Lily -- who has adorned her alabaster swanlike neck with something like a dreamcatcher for this event -- is like, "Thanks, yeah, it's weird but fun to be the center of attention, and hey listen, what the fuck are you doing here?" Nate comes up in the suit and says he brought her as his date because he's there representing the Archibalds. "Oh, that is so sweet. Have you seen Serena?" Nope. She's too busy trying to stop another generation of herself.
He escorts the shivering Jenny away, and she's like, "Nate, I think I might be an asshole. I didn't get that this was Lily and Bart's thing I'm guerilla-ing all over, and that sucks, because they're awesome and they've always been really nice to me." Nate tells her to just forget it, then, but of course THIS IS THE ONLY NIGHT IN THE HISTORY OF THE UNIVERSE LIKE I KEEP SAYING YOU MORON so what's she supposed to do? He kisses her to shut her the fuck up, and that little mini-Serena from Central Park takes a picture of it. The hardest thing to explain about this show is why people are constantly taking random secret pictures of the people, like, it seems pretty straightforward until you actually have to explain how the show works, and then the entire Gossip Girl conceit just ends up sounding like something really fucked up that you invented to make the show seem more interesting. Jenny's like, "Are you my boyfriend now?" And Nate's like, "Let's just get through tonight." She laughs and runs off again. So is that Nate's kiss is so magical that it makes you stupid? Because I can believe that, and I love Nate more than enough to prefer it over the other option, which is that his stupidity is communicable.
Blair runs up complaining that everybody at 1oak is gross old guys fucking young girls, so she couldn't find Emma, and freaks out on S about how their cab is halfway to Serge's no-doubt classy living space as they speak, and this is just more proof that Serena is a bitch who ruins lives. Serena finally gets a little pissy, reminding her that she got B her second in with Berube, and B -- this is the part I really can't buy -- fully goes, "Oh right, you're such a celebrity. "Mmmmiss van der Woodsen, your pillows are being fluffed in the VIP section..." Serena can't even remind her that we already did this shit before Chuck comes up and pries them apart: "Kittens, please. I found her table." B knows that Emma's already gone, but Chuck points at the table: it's Liz, her mom. E for Elizabeth. "... And that's not her father," Serena breathes. "Oh my God." Gossip Girl grins to herself as Blair takes a picture of Liz's cannoodlings with a look on her face like First Communion: "Seems the saying's true: Like mother, like daughter. Or is it the other way around?"
Jenny wanders backstage with a huge flash drive, and runs into Agnes who's standing with a cute little dork named Stuart at the controls: "This is Stuart. He's in love with me." He takes off his ear cans and smiles, and Jenny's like, "Stuart? You're about to be fired?" Agnes says not to let the looks fool you, because he's also in the Teen Revolution: "Yeah, well, he was gonna quit anyway to be a professional gamer." She really is like the teenage anti-fairy godmother, isn't she? Or like this evil Oprah who just goes around saying, "It's entirely possible that you're a prodigy! Check under your chair and see what pipe dream you have won!" She runs off to check on the models -- "Stuart, take this. Do not do anything gross to my friend" -- and he grins. She gives him this look like, "Um, okay," even though if she were in the real world and not Agnes's weird Penny Lane world where nothing has consequences, she would be alllll over it.
Rufus screams and yells and paces, doing his best father impersonation, and they can't find Nate, and Dan finally remembers to check GG, which tells him where they are but also that they are make-out friends, and screams WHAT? He slams the computer closed before they see it, and Gossip Girl kind of lazily wonders if Vanessa is going to predictably freak out, because why else is she even here, but I'm so sure V would hold it against Jenny anyway. They jump in a cab and Rufus is half-irritating, half-adorably befuddled, yelling at the driver to go faster and offering him like single dollar bills, while Dan dances around not telling Vanessa why he has just now decided that Nate is a bad bad man and not a good person like Vanessa and Dan, and ignores another call from Jordan Steele. When they get to the party, Rufus is thankfully turned away, but Lily walks up just in time to get him into the party, and then Bart walks up like, "Did we not discuss this, about no more Rufus?" and she shushes him and pulls him to the bar to get a drink.
Blair has a short discussion with God about how awesome he was for making Emma's mommy a whore, and Serena's like, "Don't worry, we'll find Emma soon." B scoffs, because who cares about Emma at this point, and Serena goes, "Blair, no. This poor little girl's mother is having an affair. No wonder she's acting out." B cannot find it in herself to care when she's got a golden ticket in her phone. Serena tells her no blackmailing a family in crisis, and B fully goes, "Serena, open your eyes! This is a sign from God! He wants me to do this!" I love it when God and Blair cook up their little plans. It's been a while. Serena continues to worry about the disintegrating Boardman family, and B pins the tail on that donkey pretty damn quick: "No argument there, they're even more screwed up than yours."
Which is, of course, the point. For somebody who does this on the regular, Blair's being pretty blind to the fact that Serena has a vested interest in saving this little girl from a fate worse than Claus. (Or Klaus.) Which is interesting, because between Liz Boardman's Eleanorian meanness and Lilyanic sluttiness, what's happening to Emma is pretty much where the Serena biography and the Blair biography meet. I thought she was about Chuck somehow, because it always is, but no: Emma is about how Serena and Blair differ in their approaches to the horrific shit their upbringing has done to them. Serena wants everything awesome and for everybody to get out alive, and Blair wants to pretend it's not happening, and run away as fast as she can. That is terrific, show! I love you! I'm sorry it took me half the episode to get it!
Which begs the question of why Chuck is being so amazing tonight, beyond not raping that girl like she wanted, and being so awesome here at 1oak: "So Humbert Humbert's name is Serge Grodanz, his father plays tennis at the Club, I know where his building is, let's go." The show has put about the hugest neon arrow pointing at Chuck's childhood in every single episode this year, so I think it's important that he be here. Maybe it's a loss-of-innocence thing, like, if he hadn't turned into Boy Emma at her age -- and for the same reasons -- he'd be more like Nate and not so dark and twisty all the time. Yeah? Because he's got to be tired being the Devil all the time and playing the Chuck Bass card every second of every day, which is why he's doing fucked up things like opening up to Dan and basically telling Blair that he is completely in love with her a billion times a day. Which means that Chuck is going to go fucking balls-out crazy sometime soon, based on his position in this episode, which is so, so good to hear.
Anyway, Serena's kind of had it, like, "Go get that little girl, I have to go to my Mom's thing, I don't even care if you blackmail Liz or not, but: please save Emma first." B's like, "Fine. We'll save Little Red Riding Hood from the Big Bad Wolf. But after that, it's Bulldog, Bulldog, rah, rah, rah!" Um, no it's not, from what I hear, but you're cute. "I'm trusting you," Serena says, and goes. Every time you trust Blair Waldorf to do the right thing, and make sure she knows it, the little-known Trust Muscle in her black cold heart gets a tiny little workout. Just enough that she does whatever you trust her to do, because the alternative is the black abyss of crazy and she knows that. B asks Chuck if he has any bright ideas, and he says he does in fact.
Nate runs into Dan and is, of course, ecstatic to see him, and Dan of course freaks out on him about the GG shot of him chastely kissing Jenny in a crowded room full of adults. Nate tells him to calm down and he does not, and in fact goes to the grossest place imaginable. Of course. Give Dan even a centimeter of power and he will hold it over your head at the slightest provocation: "We took you into our house, Nate!" That might be the worst thing I've ever heard Dan say. That offends me on each and every level, I can't even describe it and I don't want to go off on a thing about it, but that is fucking sickening. Nate tells him to chill out and points out that he's two grades ahead of her in school, not some kind of Serge, and please don't paint him as creepy when what he is, is a delight.
"...Who traded sex for money," Dan throws down, and Nate's like OMG, and Dan says that's just another reason Nate should not be kissing people in crowded rooms full of the elderly in ball gowns, and Nate's like, "I guess I should have told you about Jenny's guerilla plan? Or, like, that I kissed her this one time, or ... Okay, I'm still not entirely sure what you're so mad about." (Oh, Nate: I think you know. Dan is jealous. Because he is gay. For you.) Nate's like, "Can I help you look for her?" and Dan is like, "No, because you're too busy being homeless! As of right now!" Dan Fucking Humphrey, ladies and gents.
Blair beats on Serge's door, trying to get Emma to open up, and Emma's in there screaming like, "Serge is in the bathroom taking Viagra and shaving his pubes and back, and when he gets out here my virginity is OVER!" Chuck finally realizes that the willpower of Emma can move mountains, but B's less impressed. "I'm not letting Muffy lose hers before me," Emma screams, and utters the secret words that would have made B give in: "She beats me in everything!"
Luckily, Chuck's already fixed everything: "Tell her to check Gossip Girl." B tells her, and Emma mutters and blathers at them to shut up while she's getting out her phone. "What?! It says Muffy's Muff Gets Stuffed , does that mean..." She's so sweet. I'll never forget the first time I heard "muff" either. It was a cold day in 1956, I remember. "...That little Muffy took her first steps as a woman? Afraid so." Emma proves to be slightly even more awesome, with the disgust in her voice: "She lost her virginity and her Gossip Girl cherry? In the same night? " Heh. Chuck keeps mum about how that item ended up there so quickly, causing everyone who has ever met me to immediately email and text me about how Chuck is Gossip Girl, which is not something I can bring myself to believe or care about, and Serge -- gross! -- comes out of the bathroom with a tulip in an unusual place going, "Emma? Come here, my little princess..." YUCK! Blair looks at his gross naked body for a second before turning away ("Now I feel violated") but Chuck takes a long wolfish look before offering some advice: "Lose the tulip."
Serena calls Aaron-Bobby, who apparently has an answering machine in his time machine and has left a long rambling message: "Hey, it's Aaron, leave a message. Oh, if this is Serena, that girl at the hotel today? Not what you think. I mean, not my girlfriend, if that's what you thought, because I don't have a girlfriend, and I'm rambling. So, uh, if this isn't Serena, leave a message. Thank you." Ugh, Aaron Rose makes me so tired. Serena's like, "That was the worst message I have ever heard... Or the best!" He has her in his filthy tractor beam! "Um, I was just calling to thank you for the ring, but somehow I am finding myself wanting to give you another chance..." Some girl picks up the phone randomly and goes, "Aaron's in the bathroom. Do you wanna wait, or...?" What the... fuck goes on with this guy?
Serena has a meltdown and hangs up, and then stares ruefully out the window of her towncar and does her weird "You Know How I Get In The Summah" voice: "Cecil, ya got me again." This is totally my favorite storyline of this episode, the guerilla warfare he's doing on her brain that is causing her to talk to imaginary insects. I would like to pretend that she does this on a constant basis and we're only just now hearing about it. "Harold, you chucklehead, stop crapping on my lifestyle and breaking up with me. Nikolai, you darling little rapist, my second-favorite brother, I'll see you at lunch! You hot mess, Audrey, ya got me again with those cute little headbands! 23 skidoo!"
Jenny catches the blur of Nate, who explains that Dan is a Hipster Scorned and looking to have a wicked slapfight, and that Rufus is there, and Jenny wigs but then Agnes shows up and says it's time for guerilla fashion, and the Humphrey presence is good because, get this, the fashion show is going to be so very awesome that they will totally change personalities and become supportive and nonjudgmental. Plus, Rufus is going to kill her either way, so she might as well blow her wad. She pulls the Don't You Care About Me card on Nate again , and because his short-term memory is nil, he falls for it again.
The head of the New York Philanthropic Society presents the award to Lily and Bart while everybody runs around looking for Jenny, and talks about how they've built clinics and hospitals in equatorial Guinea and Sri Lanka...and then everything goes Dada! Models come running in wearing her clothes and start dancing on tables, that Thurston Moore cover of "Sheena Is A Punk Rocker" starts playing, the lights go nuts, the videoscreens are full of slightly-scary low-budge footage of Agnes looking insane and Jenny dancing around, all creating a vibe that's sort of halfway to actual edgy, which is -- no matter what they tell you -- what they're going for, always, because actually fucked up doesn't succeed. Just fucked up enough to convince people they're being awesome for liking it is where it's at. Lily does an awesome little whiteboy dance, and you know they're golden. Everybody's totally happy and loving it, taking her promotional postcards and putting them in their jackets and purses, and even Vanessa realizes that it's awesome, but Dan and Rufus just stand around looking like the usual amount of asshole.
Nate and Jenny make out for a celebratory bit, and Vanessa spots them and her smile falls and she leaves, but Jenny sees and chases after her, which GG deems a good call: "Looks like it's bros before hos for Little J. Who knew that when her loyalty kicked in, Nate would be kicked out?" Which is a good point, actually, because he was all, "it's not your place" to apologize to V, but that's only true if it's about their relationship, like, if Nate is the main character of what happened, whereas if it's about Jenny's relationship with Vanessa, that has nothing to do with Nate. So once she runs off, he realizes that he's about to get hit in the face by ten tons of Brooklyn solidarity, and that's sad to see but very interesting. The security guys hustle screaming awesome Agnes out of there, and Dan and Rufus are amazed by everything that just happened, and Rufus goes looking for his daughter so that he can ruin everything, since nothing he or his kids have tried so far has managed to do so.
Elsewhere in a limo, Blair explains that even if Emma is jealous right now, this wasn't actually how she wanted to lose her virginity. Chuck asks for another suggestion, given that they're probably sitting in the exact spot she lost hers, and while Emma's getting out of the car, Blair thanks him sweetly for getting Gossip Girl to post the bogus report. "For you, anytime," he says wonderfully, and then points: "I think your little virgin's making a break for it..." Blair grabs her, and Emma starts yelling about how Blair, Muffy and her mother are a vast conspiracy calculated to fuck up her life, and Blair's like, "Thought we covered this. Okay: Having sex for the first time shouldn't be part of a competition to beat Muffy the Lacrosstitute. It should be with someone you love." Emma asks if hers was, and she barely pauses before saying that it was, and adds that there are better ways of getting your mother's attention. Like bulimia, for example.
"I told you, this is about Muffy..." but B, of course, spotted Liz from a mile away: "I wrote the book on distracted, self-centered mothers. My mom has never met a single one of my teachers. She regularly forgets my birthday, and she only comments on my appearance when she has something to criticize..." Emma's like, "But you're perfect!" Blair doesn't even pause to smile: "True. And that's why I finally realized it wasn't about me. The same way it's not about you." Emma nods and admits that trips into the city are supposed to be about hanging out and doing mother-daughter things, but it never materializes. Blair -- with intense sympathy and sadness -- suggests that she actually say that, and in future to avoid the Serges of the world. She accompanies her upstairs, and Emma throws her arm around her and admits that Serge was pretty gross.
Dan finally takes the call from Jordan, who says what he thought she would say -- "I know what anemic means" -- and Serena runs into him, asking if he's okay. He's not, and Serena stupidly assumes that he cares about other people: "Don't worry about Jenny. She'll probably get in some trouble for disrupting the event, but honestly, I think everyone in there was kind of relieved..." Dan's like, "My point exactly. Jenny will be fine, because Jenny actually works to succeed, unlike myself," although in a less generous way, and Serena's confused, because how is that bad. "Tonight my sister alienated everyone in her life, but tomorrow she's gonna be in the New York Times . I just can't help but wonder if she's the one with all the guts in the family." Um, YES. Thanks for catching up. Meanwhile you still haven't managed to learn to write a story. Serena asks why he's flipping out, and he says he doesn't want to bother her with it, so of course she tells him she cares about him and asks what's wrong, so he explains that he will not be getting into Yale, or any other school with a decent writing program. Of course, this is because he is untalented and kind of dumb, but you know Serena: that little wheel gets to turning and she's like, "How many bitches am I bringing to Yale now?"
Elizabeth jumps up and starts yelling at them immediately when Blair brings Emma home, totally yelling about the gorgeous Serena dress and whatever, and Emma tells her mom not to yell at Blair. "Bed now. Bed!" Damn, Liz. Blair tells her to calm down before she says anything she'll regret, but Lizzie's not having it. "What was your plan, take my daughter clubbing and hope she'd plead your case to the Dean? I have some bad news for you, Miss Waldorf. From what I've seen, you're not Yale material." Blair tries again to warn her: "Oh, you haven't seen anything yet. Tell me, did you have a nice time with your Bryn Mawr friends?" She leans forward to show her the pictures -- "Let me lend you my phone. You'll be needing it to make a call to New Haven..." -- but Emma comes back in to try and calm her mom down again. "You're lecturing me? No wonder I don't want to spend time with you. Bed! Right now! You were saying?" Blair realizes that there is no saving Liz from herself, or the Boardmans from Liz, and she's just like, "Your daughter's a great girl. You should pay more attention to her. Soon it'll be too late."
Rufus intercepts Jenny in the Palace courtyard looking for Vanessa, and he's all "I hope you're proud!" and she's like, "Um, yes? That rocked?" Rufus starts yelling that old Dan tune about how you can't go through life not caring about who you hurt, which is not what happened at all, and she's like, "Thirty-two calls, on my phone, from buyers. Not calling to bitch about how I ruined their shitty party, calling to offer me money for my designs." Rufus, cornered, totally goes, "Well, those people are not your father, and speaking for him, I have never been more disappointed!" Yeah, I could tell that those people weren't my father, because they weren't acting like cocksuckers to prove their parenting skills. Lily comes over to calm him down, and he tells Jenny to apologize, which she of course does, and Lily's like, "What? That was awesome!" Rufus glares at her and she takes three giant steps back so he can continue doing his impression of parenting.
"If you think you're getting away with this tonight, you are dead wrong!" Jenny points out that she already did, and then Rufus fucking calls a cop over and tries to get her arrested. It's ridiculous. Lily is like, For real? The cop says he has to take her downtown and call her parents, which is the most absurd part, and she totally yells, " He is my parent! The one getting me arrested!" Having had enough of this nonsense, Lily tells the cop that she was the person being honored at the "ruined" party, and that she owns the hotel, so there's nobody left to press charges, and the cop shrugs and leaves. Rufus yells at Lily that it's none of her business, and Lily responds that what he was doing was deeply retarded behavior that, in her experience, causes your child to make sex tapes and kill dudes, but before Rufus can point out what a good job he's done with Dan, Jenny tells them to argue it out without her, because it's dumb. She leaves and GG's all, "All that glamour almost led to the slammer! But what will the morning bring?"
Frankly, I hope it brings emancipation, because whether or not Jenny's being stupid, and she is, Rufus is a fucking failure. How bad do your parents have to be, before you decide to just leave forever? Sometimes worse than this, but I think this is right around the borderline. I mean, like I said, I take this storyline very seriously and very personally, so my mileage probably varies way off the mean here, but every single person on earth at some point has to choose to see their parents as friends, not parents, and I don't really think you can put a number or a definite age on that. Not when all four of those Humphrey bastards are trying to out-wunderkind each other like some kind of deeply mediocre Glass family, because that's not something a parent and child can work through together. That's dreams and life path stuff, and you can't ever be sure your own fears aren't fucking up your kid when it comes to talent, so you keep your hands to yourself until you are absolutely sure they need rescuing, and then that's what you do, because that's your fucking job. Because trust me: they're going to survive either way, and you have the option of being in their lives or not, but at no point does your ego or your art enter into it.
Chuck walks in on Nate "back at the family manor," and notes the minimalist homelessness of its new styling, and gets scared. " What the hell is going on? " Nate brusquely tries to pack up without meeting his eyes, reminding him that he was told the Archibalds were in trouble, and says he's heading for the Hamptons. Chuck goes, "Don't be so dramatic. You're coming with me," and even though they are the words Nate, like all of us, longs to hear, Nate is still too proud, and brushes past him. But OMG what Chuck wouldn't do for Nate, you know? He'd kill a hobbit, sell a baseball. Sell Victrola ! I mean, seriously. He's gonna have Nate's ass kidnapped or something, I know it.
Serena tries to pry B out of bed with coffee and the promises that other schools exist besides Yale, like Princeton. "Princeton is a trade school! There's only Yale!" That would be funny for any school, so it's okay to laugh. "Well, I'm proud of you for not succumbing to your baser instincts. Hey, even though you might not get into Yale, at least this way you won't go to hell!" B's phone rings, and Serena answers, and it's Dean Berube! Just then, Aaron-Bobby shows up and steals Serena away.
"So, uh, I was thinking you, me, assorted breakfast pastries." Serena's like, "How many assorted pastries? And by that I mean you are a whore, because in that metaphor, 'pastries' means 'young ladies.'" He finally cops to being a huge slut, in the most Dan-like "this is your problem" way, to a degree that I didn't notice it at first, but he's like, "Yes, I am carrying much in the way of diseases, and that girl was one of several women I'm fucking. But you'll be surprised to note that I am not the problem here, because either you feel something or you don't, and you're looking for an excuse not to exercise your bravery by being with me, and I can't stop thinking about you and looking at camp stuff, and I think fate has brought us back together again." I didn't really even paraphrase there. That's basically what he said.
She says it's both gaywad and romantic to blame fate for this, because it's not like the UES is a claustrophobically small world micro-monitored entirely by tween girls with camera phones or anything, so obviously it's fate that brought them to the same forty square blocks, and he asks if she ate her ring yet, because they should have dinner. "Not yet," she giggles, and Cecil totally goes, "Good. It's nine years old." Aww! He takes off and Blair comes running up, saying that she was Emma's answer to the Dean's Question, and he says Yale can use a girl like her, and Serena is ecstatic. Sometimes being happy for other people's success is its own reward.
And other times you sit in your own failure so desperate to ruin your children's chances at happiness that you drive them away completely. Dan, having noticed that Jenny has run away from home hauling her sewing machine and a kitbag full of gumption, decides to sit on this information throughout an entire scene wherein he informs Rufus that the one thing he said he wouldn't do -- exploit Chuck's terribly sad childhood for his own completely uncreative gain -- is now what he has to do. That's the takeaway. That's what we've learned from Jenny this week. Rufus says that just because Jenny did something iffy doesn't mean Dan should, and Dan gets pissy as hell: "Dad, look. The morning after my little sister staged a fashion show that all of New York City will be talking about is not the time for the 'slow and steady' speech." Instead of slapping his little mouth, Rufus apologizes for suggesting that success is something people work for and earn, and Dan's like, "Tried it. Now I'm ready to whore." Rufus explains that he was the victim of unearned success as a child himself, and that it made him a worthless person, and Dan's like, "Yes, but." Then Dan randomly remembers that Jenny ran away from home, suddenly, and Rufus goes to her room and sees she's gone and cries these big, fat, hot tears that made me very sad.
"S and B are headed for Yale, Nate's headed out of town, and Dan's headed for trouble. As for little sister Jenny? She's nowhere to be seen..." Gossip Girl says, over shots of Little J hustling her worldly possessions down some dusty Brooklyn traintracks or something. If only she had young stupid friends with more money than they could ever spend and no sense of cause and effect, she could land on her feet!
And actually, next week there's a whole scene in an alley with Agnes and shit on fire, so maybe ... I don't want to get our hopes up, but it's entirely possible that Jenny has become a hobo . Like a ridin' the rails, eatin' hotdogs, smokin' cigars, rollin' chickens in mud, cookin' in a soupcan tramperoonie. A real live Railway Rona! A Boxcar Bessie! An Atchison Topeka & Santa Fe Sally! And here I was thinking that would take all Sweeps. XOXO.
Exactly which New York are the characters from Gossip Girl living in? Find out just how authentic GG's Gotham really is with our Gossip Girl: Non-New York State of Mind gallery .