Big Baby
Updated 2009-01-27 09:31:13
A bunch of kids play in a classroom that looks like it's filled with smoke. That, combined with the low-tech looking classroom and the dress of its students and teachers made me seriously think we were watching a flashback to the 60s. But no, it's just my arch-nemesis Director Deran at work again, muting all the color and adding a smoky effect for no reason. And I guess it's retro day at the school. It's also arts and crafts day, and from the way the kids are behaving, I'm figuring either it's a special education class or maybe they're all a little loopy from all the smoke. One kid, Johnny, notices that Zeke has a new aide named Miss Cindy and asks what happened to the old one. Teacher answers that she got married, so I guess that means she doesn't have to work anymore. Are we sure this isn't a 60s flashback? Johnny's disability involves a lack of tact, as he asks his teacher why she's still single. She puts the blame right on Johnny, saying she spends too much time "loving" him to meet a man. She then tickles him. My teachers never tickled me, but I wasn't in special education, either. Of course, Johnny asks his teacher to marry him, but she turns him down because there are still some young female teachers who don't sleep with their underage students. In disappointment, Johnny accidentally spills green glitter on his neighbor's art project. She reacts to disappointment much differently, and pees in her pants. And the teacher reacts to the disappointment of having to clean this mess up by coughing up blood and passing out. Way to leave a huge mess for Miss Cindy to clean up, Teach. Is this some kind of special education teacher hazing ritual?
House enters the cafeteria and looks around for someone to pay for his food. Everyone at PPTH knows to avoid the cafeteria when House is around by now, though, so he's forced to limp off with a covert bagel. Cameron appears out of nowhere and lectures him about paying for his food, then tries to give him his latest case. Wow, she's been Cuddy for all of two seconds and already she's a huge pain in the ass. You know, when Miss Cindy took over for Miss-now-Mrs. Whoever, she didn't pull this kind of power tripping bullshit. Cameron might want to take a few lessons from her. When House notices that the case file Cameron is holding did not come from the ER, she informs him that Cuddy is taking some time off to be with her baby and Cameron has been chosen to fill in for her. That's really something that Cuddy should tell House herself instead of leaving it to the person who used to work for him. But obviously, she's too chickenshit to do so. House says he's sure they'll butt heads and then have sex. "That's why I took the job," Cameron says without hesitating. It throws House off enough for her to hand him the file and take off. House makes sure to check her ass out as she goes. I still can't believe all of PPTH hasn't mutinied over Cuddy's latest leadership decision.
House enters the meeting room to find out that Foreman already knows about the new boss. The other Cottages did not, and while Kumar worries that House will rip Cameron apart, Hadley just looks concerned for her own future at PPTH, a wise move since Cameron seems to totally hate her. Foreman predicts that Cameron will rip House apart in her overzealousness to assert her newfound authority (you mean, like Foreman didn't do when he had the same role a few seasons back? In a plotline that was just as stupid then as it is now?), while Taub diagnoses their new patient with a bleeding ulcer. Foreman decides the problem is in the patient's blood and goes for a leukemia diagnosis. Hadley argues that a thoracic tumor is a better fit, so House accuses her of disagreeing with Foreman to hide the fact that she's sleeping with him, and Hadley squirms. Kumar is surprised, even though it seemed like he figured this out last episode, while Taub just looks annoyed that Hadley didn't try to sleep with him first. Foreman announces that he and Hadley are seeing each other, but no one needs to discuss this further. Yeah, right. That'll work. House says this adds a new dimension to differential sessions, like how he can't be sure if Hadley really thinks there's a thoracic tumor or just saying that for appearances. Hadley tells House to judge their diagnoses on their own merit and smiles smugly, thinking she's gotten one over on House. Not so. House laughs and says that's a terrible idea. He sends them off to run a bleeding time test to confirm that the problem is in the patient's blood.
Kumar makes a cut in the patient's arm and Hadley starts the timer. Kumar comments that she didn't even flinch when he sliced her arm, and she says that's because she went to her "happy place." Hadley's eyes bulge and she says they probably shouldn't let House anywhere near this patient. Don't you go ruining my fun, Hadley! I think House needs to be locked in a room with this patient! Kumar just asks the patient about her happy place. She says it's her classroom and the special needs kids she loves and whose pictures she has by her bedside. She talks about teaching a kid with cerebral palsy how to use scissors was like going on a journey and how they both cried with joy when he was able to do it. After that, Kumar agrees with Hadley and tells the woman not to go into any detail if she ever meets their boss. And with that, her blood isn't clotting the way it's supposed to. Kumar tells the patient not to worry, and that they'll figure out where the problem is and fix it. The patient says she's not worried at all. Clearly, she has never seen an episode of this show before.
Um ... I don't want to visit Cuddy at home anymore. I don't care about her baby. Why are we here? Wilson stops by to visit, since apparently PPTH is out of cancer today, and says Rachel is beautiful. And she is, since this week they're using a real, live baby! Wilson asks Cuddy what Rachel is like, saying when his cousin had a baby, he'd assigned it all kinds of emotions and personality traits within the first two days of its life. Not Cuddy: "she cries, she eats, and she poops," she says. It's obvious to the audience, Wilson, and Cuddy herself that she is not enjoying motherhood like she thought she would. And then she starts crying. Well, at least Wilson has something to do now. Cuddy says she doesn't "feel" anything. Uh oh. She doesn't feel amazed by the baby or in love with her, like she thinks she's supposed to. How can you look at a baby -- any baby -- and not feel amazed? They're amazing. Wilson doesn't really know what to say, since he's a guy and not a father and stuff, and this conversation would be incredibly awkward and difficult for anyone. Cuddy tells him to forget she said anything, but now he's concerned enough to call her "Lisa." She waves him off and says she's taking care of the baby and not neglecting her at all. "She will be okay," Cuddy says, although I'm pretty sure love is just as important to a baby as food and being burped, and Rachel isn't getting any of that. Wilson just pats Cuddy on the shoulder and beats a hasty retreat, like we all would. Well, I wasn't expecting this.
The patient's platelets are looking rough, as both Hadley and Foreman tell House, who now says the fact that they're agreeing is because they're trying to show that their relationship will not affect their work. Taub is sick of the Hadley/Foreman relationship talk (SO AM I) and interrupts to give a diagnosis of lymphoma. This is rejected, and Kumar goes for ITP, which probably stands for something long and complicated and hard to spell and since it won't be the right answer, I'm not going to look it up. The standard treatment is methotrexate, but House would like to pepper that with some total body irradiation. Everyone objects to this because the severe side effects outweigh the evidence that such a drastic procedure is necessary. At the very least, Kumar says, it's premature. House says that while there is someone assigned to stop him from dangerous unnecessary treatments, no one can stop him from being premature. And with that, he does his best Beavis and Butthead chuckle as the elevator doors close.
House goes to Cameron, who's looking overwhelmed behind Cuddy's desk. You know who probably isn't overwhelmed? The ER. Without Cameron around to ruin things, they're probably running better than ever! Except for the fact that they've all got to be really angry that a lowly and fairly new ER doctor could suddenly be promoted over all of their heads. That might slow things down a little. House says he wants to treat his patient for ITP with total body irradiation before she bleeds into her brain. House is shocked when Cameron says that sounds like a fine idea. He says some people thought Cameron would be extra-brutal to him to mark her territory, and a hurt Cameron asks who thought that. House implies it was Foreman, and Cameron says she's not here to play games, unlike everyone else on this show. If House comes to her with a reasonable request that makes medical sense, she'll approve it. Except that the total body irradiation doesn't really fulfill either of those conditions. With that, House requests oral sex. He doesn't get it, and I really don't enjoy watching him ask. There's a fine line between funny flirting and gross old man, and it just got crossed.
House de-elevators, where the Cottages inform him that the drug for ITP has been administered and isn't working. Maybe they should give it more than three seconds to work, then. House says he needs a reason not to do total body irradiation now that he's gotten the green light to do it, as it's incredibly dangerous and not yet necessary. But he can't just not do it, because then Cameron will know that he never really intended to do it in the first place and only asked to test her. Ha! She called his bluff. Good for her. Already, she's a better administrator than Cuddy. Probably a better mother, too. Hell, Rachel's biological mother was probably a better mother than Cuddy at this point. House says he was hoping Cameron would shoot him down and get the power trip out of her system so that when he went to her with something crazy that he actually wanted to do, she'd say yes. Obviously, that didn't work. "You're screwed," Taub says. Hadley, on the other hand, speaks up not to spout unhelpful negativity, but because she has an idea: they go through all the motions to irradiate the patient except actually doing it. So now they're calling Cameron's bluff which was a call of House's bluff? This is starting to turn into an episode of I Love Lucy . And you know who won't be bluffed in all of this? The patient's insurance company when they get a bill for total body irradiation that never happened. Taub just wants to know if there's anything they can do that will actually help their patient while they're pretending to kill her. House ups her methotrexate and adds prednisone. Yeah, giving her drugs for a condition she doesn't have should do wonders for her overall health.
Chase and Foreman have lunch together and talk about completely different things while not paying attention to each other. They both have woman issues. Chase isn't sure how he feels about his girlfriend having all this power now, and notes that she's even starting to dress like Cuddy. Which is hilariously true, although Cameron's rocking the Puritan Cuddy look and not the Slutty Cuddy style. Sorry, Chase. Foreman's issue is the one that gets talked about because Chase looks like a homeless man today. Greasy, stringy hair, five o'clock shadow ... would you trust this guy to operate on you? I wouldn't. Anyway, Foreman says he knows that Hadley is on the placebo, and Chase sternly says he can't tell her, or else he'll compromise the entire trial and screw over all the other patients. Like poor Janice. Foreman says he doesn't want to tell her -- he wants to put her on the real drug. Well, gee, I guess the way to get the real drugs in a clinical trial is to sleep with the guy in charge. And that's probably why Hadley's doing this after all, since it can't be because she has any chemistry with Foreman. Since she doesn't. Chase warns Foreman not to be an idiot, but since the danger music is playing I'm guessing this is falling on deaf ears.
They're doing the fake total body irradiation on the patient, who's wondering why she's lying around with seemingly nothing happening while Hadley and Taub are in the booth, lying that they've already started the procedure. Taub tells her to shut up because he and Hadley are busy watching what appears to be Fletch and they don't need any of the patient's chitter-chatter interrupting them. But then the patient has to pee, so they let her out to go to the bathroom. But on this show, I think we all know that having the urge to pee only means bad times, so when the patient raises herself up off the slab, she promptly collapses on the floor. Taub and Hadley rush to her aid, only to find that she has no pulse. In House's world, even fake total body irradiation is deadly. And that also means that she doesn't have ITP. But at least she isn't bleeding out of her ass like all the other patients do when they say they have to use the bathroom. Hadley manages to zap the patient back to life, but not before calling out her name -- which is Sara. HOORAY! A patient named Sara! Best name ever! And if it's supposed to be spelled Sarah, I don't care! The H is wasteful!
After the break, the team checks out various image of Sara's heart, looking for a problem. Hadley tries to find a connection, saying maybe Sara started to pee and that somehow caused an arrhythmia that stopped her heart. House just wants to know why someone would stop to pee in the middle of what she thinks is a nuclear procedure. Fuck you, House. Some Saras have small bladders. Everyone's waiting to see what he thinks of Hadley's idea, though, so he angrily says that it sucks because people don't die from peeing. Not unless they're really, really unlucky. What an embarrassing way to go that would be. Hadley comes up with yet another diagnosis, noting that both of Sara's attacks happened when she was in a cold room. Apparently, the special ed classroom's heater was broken that day, as if those kids don't have it hard enough. What a crappy school. Anyway, Hadley's diagnosis of cold agglutinin disease fits, as Foreman is quick to point out, and House says they'll stick Sara in an ice bath and see if she has a heart attack. Since this is unnecessarily dangerous and potentially fatal, House will have to get permission from Cameron.
Cuddy's already there, and apparently she was so outraged when she heard that Cameron approved House's total body irradiation that she jumped right off the horse she was jockeying and went straight to PPTH. Cameron explains that she said yes because she knew House wanted her to say no and was trying to test her. Cuddy accuses Cameron of getting "cute" and warns her not to engage House or play games with him. Cameron says she's doing the job Cuddy stupidly hired her to do. With that, House barges in and notes that Cuddy left her baby in the hallway for the nurses to look after, which I'm sure they're just thrilled about. But they'll probably be better mothers to the baby than Cuddy, and that includes Evil Nurse Brenda if she still works at PPTH, which she probably doesn't. House immediately figures out that Cuddy came back to work so she wouldn't have to be around her baby, which she's starting to realize was a big mistake. Cameron looks horrified as she realizes from the expression on Cuddy's face that House is right. It turns out that Wilson totally told on Cuddy to House, which is such a dick move. The matter is so serious that Cameron starts using Cuddy's first name. Either that, or she's been reading those how to succeed in business books again that say to use people's first names like she did back in Season One . Cuddy waves her off, chalking this up to having a bad day. House says Wilson was worried about Cuddy (so worried that he betrayed her trust and basically set her up for many insults about what a bad mother she is? I hope my friends never get that worried about me), but he shouldn't be. No one should be. Nothing's official, so Cuddy can give the baby back tomorrow if she wants, which would be better for Rachel than growing up with a mother who doesn't care. Cuddy holds back tears and says she'll go drop the baby off at the pound. She leaves, and Cameron asks House what he wants in her best angry schoolmarm voice.
Next thing we know, House exits Cudderon's office and says Cameron approved the ice bath, but first they have to draw some of Sara's blood and see if it clumps in the cold. The Cottages enjoy this very much, and rub it in that Cameron must have only approved the total body irradiation because she knew House was trying to test her.
When Kumar comes in to draw the blood, Sara has some visitors -- her student, Johnny, and his mother. Kumar apparently thinks that special ed kids can't be embarrassed and says that Johnny must have a crush on his teacher. Johnny's mother says that Johnny was a non-verbal autistic until he had Sara as a teacher. Now, when he's around her, he talks and makes eye contact, "like a regular kid," Mom says. Whatever. A regular kid could hold glitter without fucking up some girl's drawing. Apparently, Johnny's been less communicative since Sara got sick, so Mom says she "had" to bring him in. Wow, how selfish. Mom could at least pretend that the visit is as much for Sara's benefit as it is for her son's. I don't think she even brought a Get Well Soon card with her.
Foreman and Hadley test the blood. Hadley knocks something over and Foreman worries that her coordination is going, but she says no way -- the meds are working for her. She feels great and can't believe they worked so quickly. Foreman urges caution and says it could be a placebo effect, but Hadley says her test results have improved and she has more energy, and if Foreman thinks it's just his sweet lovin' that's making her feel better, he should know that his dick can't cure Huntington's. In fact, it's probably going to do just the opposite when Foreman compromises the drug trials for Hadley and it takes longer than it would have for the new Huntington's drug to be released. With that, Sara's blood clumps in the cold, so it's time for the ice bath.
Foreman enters Cudderon's office. Cameron greets him with "don't be an idiot." Between Wilson talking to House and Chase talking to Cameron, it's just not safe to tell one half of a couple a secret anymore!
Sara's trying hard to go to her happy place when she submerges herself in the ice bath. In the booth, Taub smirks as House enters, as Cameron ordered him to observe. It's not that funny, Taub. It means that Cameron has no faith in your and your fellow fellows' abilities to re-start someone's heart. Meanwhile, Kumar tries to distract Sara by asking her how she was able to get through to Johnny. Sara says she noticed his fascination with touching newspaper, so they started doing paper mache together. Sure enough, she says, "he let me into his world!" House has had enough of this sunshine and asks if they can tell her that talking compromises the test results. Sara goes on to say that she wants all of her kids to become a part of her, and her a part of them. House rolls his eyes. A lot. Hee hee hee. This is like his version of Hell. He comments that Sara can have her heart attack any second now. Meanwhile, Kumar starts telling Sara about how he wanted to be a doctor when he was eight years old, and House is doubly disgusted. Sara says she actually wanted to be a sociologist until she realized that sociology classes are just what you take in college to get an easy A and don't really mean anything in real life. Actually, she went to the wrong classroom and ended up observing a special education class, where she felt at home. With that, Hadley calls time. Sara's heart rate is still normal, so the diagnosis was wrong. But that's okay, because House has a new diagnosis: brain damage. Because every time he encounters someone who's cheerful, he makes it a symptom. And he's always right.
After the break, the Cottages object to House's new symptom, of course. House says the fact that Sara transposed those classroom numbers and went to the wrong classroom that one time is more than enough proof that she has a lesion in her left brain. Kumar sticks up for Sara, saying he misdialed a phone number this morning, so he must have brain damage, too. House adds that Sara also didn't go to the bathroom before her fake irradiation, which shows an inability to predict the future, which is also a left brain thing, as Hadley points out. I can't predict the future, either -- should I be worried? Does this mean that woman who walked up to me on the street the other day and offered to read my palm for just five dollars is smarter than me? Damn. Taub and Foreman remain dubious, with Foreman saying that this is just House refusing to believe that someone can't be a good person without having something wrong with her brain. Kumar is more productive, and says the platelets and the heart attack indicate a pancreatic tumor. House prefers MS, though, because it'll need a dangerous and possibly unnecessary test to prove, like a brain biopsy. Kumar stands up and demands they test for the pancreatic tumor with an ERCP. Whatever gets House back into Cameron's office is fine with him.
And so, they go in front of Cameron to argue their causes. House says that they need to do the brain biopsy immediately, because if it is MS, it'll affect her lungs next. Cameron, of course, sides with House ... sort of. She says they'll assume the problem is in Sara's brain, but to prove it, she wants him to do an MRI first. If the plaques are there, then he can do his biopsy. House accuses Cameron of wasting everyone's time by not giving him a yes or no answer, and says that wasting Sara's time could kill her. So why is he wasting time with fake irradiations, then? He tells Cameron to choose a side. She just tells him to do the MRI. Oh no! Sara's going into the MRI of DOOOM!! Damn you, Cameron!
Cuddy pays Wilson a visit, Rachel in tow. And she's carrying Rachel around in her car seat and not in her arms, which is probably a bad sign. She puts Rachel on the ground and admits to Wilson that she doesn't want to go home. And she's also considering House's idea to give the baby back. Wilson tells her that House might be a brilliant doctor, but he sucks when it comes to the human stuff. Cuddy knows this, but she still feels like she's in prison at home with the baby and free when she's at PPTH without it. Wilson says parents have to make sacrifices. "I don't know if I want to," Cuddy says. Did she not know this was going to happen? That a baby takes lots of time and energy? Or did she think that she'd love the baby enough to make those sacrifices without regret, and now that she doesn't, she can't? Cuddy says that she feels like a failure, and sits back in her chair and looks at Rachel, who glares at her accusingly. Doesn't Cuddy have family to talk to about this stuff? I know Wilson's a friend and all, but a presumably straight guy with no kids of his own is probably not the best person to talk to about this kind of thing. Surely, Cuddy knows a couple mothers who can tell her that parenting is all about feeling like a failure and making sacrifices and being terrified that you aren't doing the right thing. Wilson stammers out that he doesn't really know what to tell Cuddy. And the writers don't know where else to take this scene, so it ends.
It looks like Sara made it out of the MRI of DOOOM!! intact, as House and the Cottages are now studying the images of her brain and finding nothing. House wasn't expecting this, and gives Kumar the okay to do the ERCP. The Cottages leave except for Foreman, who stays behind to talk to House about his Very Serious Issue. He stupidly begins the conversation by referring to Hadley by her real first name, then tells House that she's been given the placebo. Like he won't find a way to tell Hadley that at his earliest convenience. Who does Foreman think House is? House immediately figures out that Foreman wants to switch Hadley's placebo with the real drug and see if she notices the difference and that Foreman's already talked this over with Chase and Cameron and not gotten the answer he was looking for, which is why he now has to resort to going to House. House asks if Hadley has invited any lesbians into bed with them yet, and Foreman decides that this was a bad idea. No shit. House calls him back and asks if the trial drug will cure Hadley. Foreman says the drug "looks promising" in slowing down the onset of symptoms. Or reversing them, as was the case with Janice. But he doesn't mention that. House says that Foreman would be risking his entire medical career on a drug that, at best, will only keep Hadley alive for a few extra years. Foreman says that's probably not worth it. House agrees, and lets Foreman walk a few steps away before adding "unless you love her." Uh oh. How could Foreman not love Hadley? The writers obviously do, since they can't stop themselves from writing her into like every scene and giving her all kinds of fascinating subplots and backstories.
The other Cottages aren't finding anything in Sara's pancreas, nor are they paying attention to her vital monitors. Kumar finally looks up and notices that Sara's lungs are on the fritz and her oxygen is plummeting. They have to stop the ERCP (might as well, since they weren't going to get accurate results from a tube made out of CGI) and give Sara more oxygen. And Kumar has to tell House that he was right after all.
After the break, Sara's lungs are pleural effusion-free and House is thrilled to bits to be right. Kumar points out that he might have called the lung problems, but his MS diagnosis was still wrong. That's cool, though, since House has a new diagnosis of some virus with yet another ridiculously risky test to prove it: they'll remove the top of Sara's skull and put monitors on her exposed brain to see which areas of it work and which don't. Kumar would rather go back to his pancreatic tumor diagnosis even though the ERCP was negative. He wants to do another test to prove it that does not involve sawing anyone's skull off, and goes off to do that while House goes to have another pissing match with Cameron. Taub follows him. Hadley and Foreman have each other, and thus don't need to take sides.
When House goes in to see Cameron, she's already been brought up to speed on his plans by Tattle Tale Kumar. House says he thinks equine encephalitis is Sara's problem, even though Sara is obviously human and not a horse. House says she must have gotten it from a mosquito, even though it's not exactly mosquito weather outside (not that you'd know it from Cameron's short-sleeve dress). Cameron says she needs some kind of proof before she can allow House to do this. He protests that the only proof he can give her is through the test she won't let him do, and leaves the room muttering about how Cameron is killing his patient.
Foreman and Hadley go off to search Sara's classroom for proof. While Foreman removes a heating vent, Hadley's watching the children play and deciding that she wants to have children, which she announces to Foreman. I'm pretty sure that's pretty high up on the list of things you aren't supposed to say to the guy you just started dating. Hadley is so weird. Foreman says he's pretty sure all the kids in this classroom already have parents, but Hadley persists, saying she means her own kids sometime in the future, and that since they're dating, she thinks Foreman should know. Foreman should also know that Hadley always assumed that she wouldn't have kids because she didn't want to risk giving them Huntington's. But now that she's all hopeful because of one clinical trial that's being run by a man who is clearly incompetent, she thinks having a child is a good idea. Because being the child of a parent with Huntington's was ever so much fun for her.
Wilson stops by the Cuddy house again with a gift. It's a picture frame, and the picture inside is a photo of Rachel that's been age-progressed. Age-progressed Rachel has dull taste in clothing. "That's sort of cool," Cuddy says, in that tone of voice you have when you've just gotten a shitty birthday present. Wilson says he wants Cuddy to see that Rachel will be a real person with a real personality, and not just a crying, pooping lump. "That's very sweet," Cuddy says, still not feeling the Rachel love. Wilson gives up and admits that it's not an age-progressed photo at all, but the picture that came with the frame.
House re-enters Cudderon's office with proof from Sara's classroom. He found a special ed kid with a "raging viral syndrome" and three dead mosquitoes in a vial. Cameron immediately identifies them as fruit flies, and the kid's viral infection as the common cold. House went through way too much effort to present Cameron with proof there's no way she'd accept. He says that he also has Kumar's ultrasound, which showed nothing in her pancreas and thus rules out that pancreatic tumor. Cameron says she needs more than "three dead bugs and a runny nose," but House says that's the only proof he can give her. Either she says yes to the skull removal or he won't do anything, he says childishly. Cameron says she won't say yes just because he's House. Why not? It's always worked in the past. And sure enough, Cameron gives House his yes.
Of course, Kumar is outraged that Cameron said yes to this and says House is risking Sara's life just to see how far he can push Cameron. House says he has to take drastic measures before their patient dies, but Kumar has a new diagnosis that he wants to test first: splenic lymphoma. House says they'll test for that when they're done with the dangerous and possibly unnecessary brain-exposing test that could kill her.
With that, Sara's skull is removed. While Cameron steps out of her administrator role to monitor the results, House shows Sara flash cards and she laughs at his Star Wars jokes. She must have brain damage. I wouldn't laugh if my brain was flapping in the breeze. The test officially begins. House shows Sara a picture of a red pen and says the pen is red and its ink is red. Is all ink red? That's a hard question, actually. Like, does he mean is all ink in red pens red? Because I think it is. I've never seen a red pen without red ink. I wouldn't do very well at this test, but apparently Sara is so far. Meanwhile, Kumar is tattling on his cell phone just outside the OR even though you aren't supposed to use cell phones in hospitals. Someone should tattle on him. House then asks Sara a math question, but before she can answer, there's a noise. Kumar holds the phone up to the mic in the OR balcony (which apparently doubles as a DJ booth during holiday parties), and Cuddy orders House to step away from the patient while her stupid baby cries in the background. House and Cuddy have a power struggle and poor Sara is very confused and starting to wonder if she's in the special ed section of the teaching hospital. Meanwhile, Cameron reports that her brain is still functioning normally. Cuddy hears her voice and is outraged, as well she should be. Then again, it was Cuddy's brilliant idea to put Cameron in charge, so she should really only be mad at herself. Cameron says she's familiar with the case, implying that Cuddy is not. Cuddy says she's familiar enough to know that this procedure isn't necessary, which Sara doesn't exactly enjoy hearing. House, meanwhile, has some parental advice for Cuddy. Put the phone down and pick up the crying baby so it stops crying already. Oh, and Sara's BP is dropping. Cuddy recommends dopamine, but Cameron condescendingly says she's already on it and Rachel needs Cuddy more than she does. Cuddy then admits that she doesn't know how to tend to Rachel's needs. What an embarrassment this is. Seriously, this has to be PPTH's lowest moment. Although that might be the time the janitor pretended to be a doctor. I think it's a tie. Sara, it turns out, hates the sound of crying babies. She says it's annoying and angrily asks if they can stop it. Cameron notes that Sara's nerve conduction is actually speeding up even though her BP is dropping. House says that doesn't make sense. Cameron says she's ending this test before Sara has a stroke. All I know is, if getting annoyed about crying babies is a symptom, then my dad comes down with this mystery disease every time he goes on an airplane.
Cuddy has completely lost control of her PPTH employees, so she tries to order Rachel around instead, telling her to stop crying. Yeah, it doesn't work. I'm sure a long line of desperate mothers could have told Cuddy that. Sara grits her teeth and asks them to turn to hang the phone up. House wants to know why crying babies annoy her, but nothing else does. Cuddy is now totally irrational and is trying to make deals with the baby, saying she'll give her anything she wants if Rachel just stops crying. She begs, and Rachel does stops crying -- when Cuddy puts her hands behind the baby's head and actually touches her. Meanwhile, back in the OR, Sara is stable again. Cameron orders them to put her skull back in its rightful place. And back at Cuddy's, Rachel is cooing and doing cute baby things and Cuddy manages to laugh.
After the break, House, Kumar, and Cameron are hanging out in the empty OR. Kumar wants to take Sara's spleen out now, but Cameron says they can't until the anesthesia from the last disaster clears her system. And House just wants to know why a crying baby would annoy Sara. Cameron says they'll need at least two hours before the splenectomy, which Kumar angrily says may be more time than Sara has. Kumar is so feisty this week! He storms out, and House bounces ideas off the defeated Cameron, who doesn't care anymore. He says Sara had low blood pressure. That shouldn't cause annoyance ... should it?
House is checking out the Whiteboard O'Symptoms in his office when Cuddy enters with the baby, much to House's horror. She sits down and says she had a breakthrough with the baby. She talked to her, and they connected. House scoffs at this, but Cuddy says they had a real connection, and now she's all lovey-dovey. Then she hands the baby off to House. He stares at her, and she makes the cutest faces. Then she spits up on him. Ha ha ha! Cuddy loves it. When she laughs, it startles the baby actress. Cuddy hands House a napkin and takes her baby back, saying that even Rachel's puke is cute. This launches House into a monologue about evolution and how we think baby puke is cute because we walk upright and therefore have smaller pelvises and can't carry a baby to the point where its stomach sphincter has fully developed. And new mothers have evolved to find baby spit-up cute so they don't kill their young in anger. That's a stretch -- it's not like spitting up is the only disgusting or frustrating thing babies do. And it's not like we go around murdering fully-grown adults if they puke on us. Anyway, it's enough to give House his end-of-show epiphany.
Sara is not annoyed to hear from Kumar that she'll have to give up her spleen. House enters and says Sara's spleen is fine -- the problem is still in her brain. He just wasn't looking in the right place: her heart. He whips out the ultrasound and up comes an image of what Kumar calls a patent ductus arteriosus. As the Magic Schoolbus Cam shows as House narrates, when we're in the womb, blood bypasses the lungs through a duct in the heart. As soon as we're born and take our first breath, the lungs expand and the duct closes and eventually disappears. Sara's didn't. So when she's stressed out and her blood pressure rises, the duct is forced open, causing her blood to go in different directions. That's what made her platelets look bad and caused the random bleeding. It also affected her brain, as blood flowed to the right side of her brain but not the left. So she reacts to stress by being un-stressed, which is why she's such a good special ed teacher and why the only time she had a normal reaction to stress was when her blood pressure was low, because then the duct wasn't being forced open. House says they'll be able to fix her heart, but her days as a magical special ed teacher are over.
Cameron stops by the Cuddy house to see the baby and to get praise from Cuddy for her work today. She says she'll be sure to trust Cameron's instincts in the future. Or not, since Cameron quits. Cuddy thinks Cameron is quitting because she's still mad at Cuddy for yelling at her in the OR, but Cameron says it's because she's sick of dressing like she's not sure if she wants to board the Mayflower or work in a brothel. Also because she knows that the procedure she approved today was insane and should never have been approved with such scant evidence. Even thought it worked out for the best this time, Cameron knows that she just can't say no to House. How is that a bad thing on this show? Isn't he kind of always right? If anything, Cuddy should be taking a lesson from Cameron. Cuddy takes this to mean that she is the only person capable of doing her job, and sighs.
Sara's heart has been fixed just in time for Johnny's mother to bring him by for another baby-sitting session. I mean "visit." Johnny runs into the room and spills Sara's juice all over her. There's a second where she looks annoyed, but it disappears and she's back to her usual tolerant no physical boundaries self. House is thoroughly annoyed to see that people like Sara really do exist in this world after all. Ha ha.
And Foreman is an idiot, so he switches Hadley to the real drug by putting her patient label on a bag that he apparently knows has the real stuff in it. Which means it's probably Janice's, since that's the only patient I'd think that Foreman can say for sure is being given the real drug. Foreman is an idiot and an asshole.
Cuddy frantically heads off to work for the day, leaving the baby with a nanny, much to her dismay.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me , which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com . If she doesn't have time to get back to you, she'll hire a nanny to do it instead!
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