Birthmarks
Updated 2008-10-15 09:10:38
We open in a fancy Chinese restaurant the House location scouts are hoping we'll believe is an authentic Chinese temple. A young Chinese-American woman and the man acting as her interpreter are there to confront the woman's suspected birth parents. They come across an older couple, and the woman tells them who she is. It's not much of a reunion. The older woman looks confused while the man is angry, and tells the interpreter to leave them alone. When the younger woman begs for just ten minutes of their time, the man spits on the ground. Say what? You don't do that in a religious temple! He is SO going to hell. Er -- wait, sorry. He's Buddhist. He is SO getting reincarnated as a sea slug. The couple take off, and the woman spins around dramatically to face the interpreter, who tells her that the man said they have no daughter. He's assuming that they're telling the truth, because most people erupt in furious anger at a case of mistaken identity, but the woman says she knows they are her birth parents. Well, if they are, they wish they weren't, so you've probably gotten the answers you were looking for. Not the ones you wanted, but answers all the same. But she's not ready to give up, so she heads for a nearby Buddha statue and asks the interpreter how it works, figuring she'll try anything at this point. The interpreter tells her to make a wish and lift the statue. "I wish they could understand how badly I need this," she says. Oh, I hope Buddha statues aren't like birthday candles, or that's not going to come true now. She lifts the statue and puts it down. The interpreter tells her to repeat the exercise, and if she is unable to lift the Buddha the second time, her wish will come true. Amazingly, she can't lift the statue. Any hopes she might have had that this means her birth parents will turn around and accept her are cruelly dashed when she suddenly keels over and barfs blood.
House enters the conference room with a file he claims to have picked from Cameron's pocket down in the ER. She must have some really big pockets. Kumar informs House that his mother called twice with some urgent-seeming messages. House doesn't seem to care, saying his mother is healthy whereas their new patient is not. I'll say -- she just rode an ambulance from China to New Jersey. The bills from that alone are enough to reduce anyone to a quivering mass of flesh. The Cottages won't let the matter drop, so House tells them that his mother is calling because her husband and his hated father just died. The Cottages take this in as House assures them that he's fine and resumes discussing the patient, who has a history of alcoholism. Really? She didn't look wasted in the beginning segment. Good for her. The Chinese surgeons (I guess she didn't have to go all the way to New Jersey for medical care after all, although she probably should have) cut out a foot of her bowel and sent her back home to America, where the pain has only become worse, thus necessitating her ER visit.
Taub starts to insist that House call his mother, like it's any of Taub's business. House responds to this by noting the presence of bags underneath Taub's eyes and assuming they came from an all-night confession of adulterous guilt. Taub rightly accuses House of deflection. Kumar just wants to know all the details about Taub and his wife's state of affairs, because he's ridiculously nosy like that. Taub will only admit that his told his wife about his cheating and that they're talking things through. What is there to talk about, Taub's wife? While you were sneaking around to buy your husband a luxury car, he was cheating on you and had to quit his cushy plastic surgeon job because of it. Kick him to the curb! You can do better.
Unlike anyone else, Foreman is actually reading through the new patient Nicole's file. There's not much information to get from her hospital stay in China, as that part of the file is written in Chinese. While I'm pretty sure House knows Chinese since he knows every other language, he gives the job of translating the charts to Kumar, since he's "sort of Asian" (House, on the other hand, is "sort of Assian"). Hadley has a diagnosis suggestion I'm not going to bother to look up how to spell since it's bound to be wrong anyway. The first diagnosis is almost never right, and Hadley is always wrong. Put those two statistics together and you have a 0% chance of a correct diagnosis. House likes her idea, if only because it gives him an excuse to go do something besides call his mother, and even volunteers to run the ultrasound that will either prove or disprove the diagnosis himself. Foreman tells him to deal with his dead dad, but House simply says "I'm not deflecting because I'm avoiding something deep. I'm deflecting because I'm avoiding something shallow ... I didn't even like the man." Okay, but doesn't he like his mother? He should call her back for her sake at least.
House performs the ultrasound around Nicole's fresh Chinese surgery scar. He's so desperate not to think about anything dead-dad-related that he actually makes conversation with Nicole, asking her why she was in China in the first place. She says she was looking for her biological parents, who ended up denying her existence. With that, she coughs in House's face and he remembers why he usually avoids patients at all costs. "Four parents and not one of them taught you to cover your mouth," House grumbles. Speaking of parents, along come Nicole's adoptive parents, looking concerned about their daughter's welfare. Wow, a patient with a caring, concerned family? That's so rare on this show! The father introduces himself to House and hands him a big box of Nicole's many medications despite House's protests that he's just a technician and not a doctor. Meanwhile, it looks like Dad went a little overboard on the medication-collecting. He basically took anything liquid, including mouthwash and bleach. Confronted with the possibility of acquiring illegal drugs, House admits he is a doctor so the dad will leave Nicole's stash in his hot little hands. Nicole is furious that her parents searched her apartment (wait 'til she finds out that the Cottages did, too, and Foreman probably ate the food in her fridge while he was at it), to which Mom says they found alcohol there even though Nicole claimed she was sober. Quietly, Dad asks House if Nicole's drinking could have caused her current condition. House quickly says no. Dad asks House to lie that it did. Yeah, because the threat of health problems really stop addicts. Just ask the guy dying of lung cancer who still smokes three packs a day.
House tosses a plastic bag full of licorice root he found in the box o'drugs at Foreman, who is confused as to why he's being offered licorice root. House says Nicole's Chinese doctors gave it to her. "They were treating her for ... SARS?" Foreman asks, getting all quiet when he says SARS like it's something anyone should really be afraid of. Least scary pandemic ever. I mean, come on. If it can be treated with black Twizzlers, it isn't scary. House says SARS explains Nicole's rude coughing, which could have given her an ischemic bowel. It fits, except that, as Foreman points out, the "lung involvement" isn't really on the SARS level. Really. She coughed weakly once. I've had chest colds that were worse. House doesn't care. He tells Foreman to start Nicole on some drugs that are slightly more hardcore than a baggy of licorice.
Cuddy comes to House's office in an always misguided attempt to treat him like a human being. She apologizes for his dad's death. House says he's not sorry, so she doesn't have to be either. She tries again, asking if there's anything she can do. He says he could use some company in bed tonight. She gives up and whips out a syringe, saying it's an Ig shot for anyone who had contact with the new SARS case. Apparently, none of the nurses wanted to administer it to House. How I miss Evil Nurse Brenda! If only she hadn't taken that lucrative position at St. Sebastian's (yes, I am making up back stories for extremely minor characters on this show), she would have volunteered! And she would have used the biggest gauge needle she could find, too! The size of a turkey baster! House rolls up his sleeve, but Cuddy says this shot works better in "a large muscle. Drop your pants." Whoa! Oh, wait -- she meant his butt. Well, he's shot up her ass plenty of times before, so at least now she gets to return the favor. And while we were treated to a side shot of her ass during those scenes, we do not get the same when it comes to House. Sorry, ladies!
Cuddy becomes an even bigger pain in House's ass by telling him that the funeral is tomorrow and his mother wants him to give the eulogy. Why? Why does she want that? She knows House doesn't want to go to the funeral in the first place, so much so that she had to call his boss about it, so why would she press her luck by insisting he give a eulogy too? Give up the dream, woman! House says he'd be happy to deliver a "bastardogy," to which Cuddy tells him to "be a grown-up" and call his mother and lie that he's too busy to attend the funeral. Erm ... no, Cuddy. Being a grown-up would be calling your mother and telling her the truth. Or having made peace with your asshole father years ago so that you could bear to attend his funeral. House says his mother knows when he's lying. "Then start writing," Cuddy says.
Outside Nicole's room, we see a line-up of her family members, as her brother and sisters (actually, Nicole just says "sister," but there's definitely two young women outside. Not sure what that's about) have left college to be with their sick sibling. Now they're all standing outside the room looking in the window, which is kind of creepy. Nicole asks Kumar to tell her parents she isn't dying and her siblings don't have to miss out on their educations. "You have SARS. I'm wearing a mask," Kumar says; "it's a big deal." I think more people die every year from the flu than SARS, though. Hell, I think more people die every year from bee stings than SARS. Kumar says they'll need the names and phone numbers of everyone she had contact with, both in the US and China. Have fun trying to talk to her biological parents, Kumar. They're a laugh and half. Nicole asks if the doctor she coughed on will be okay. Kumar says he's fine.
And in House's office, we see just how fine he is when he stands up from his desk only to drop his coffee mug and slump to the floor with his eyes open, all dead-like. This happens to House a lot, though, so I'm not too worried yet.
Back in Nicole's room, she's not doing much better. Her stomach pain has returned and her heart rate has gone into tachycardia. Kumar takes a look at her midsection and finds a weird rash that tells him Nicole's liver is failing. Which means it isn't SARS after all, because SARS is so wimpy that it wouldn't dare attack a liver. Just those fragile lungs with their silly air sacs, and it can't even do that well. Kumar immediately whips off his sterile mask like it burned him. Now that he doesn't need it, he can't get rid of it fast enough.
And House? He wakes up in a car which is driving through a green screen. He looks around, very confused, and sees Wilson in the driver's seat. Wilson shoots him a disgusted look and says "I am not doing this because I care." House seems to think differently, because he smiles triumphantly.
After the break, House realizes that Cuddy didn't shoot him up with Ig, but drugged him instead. While thinking he was exposed to SARS? Did she want to spread it to Wilson and the attendees at House's dad's funeral? Damn, Cuddy. That's cold. I'm just sad we didn't get to see the no-doubt-humorous scene of Cuddy running into House's office, finding him on the ground, and summoning Wilson in. Together, they rolled him up in a carpet and then carried the carpet with a suspicious House-shaped lump out the front door of PPTH, and no one was the wiser. Or maybe they just sat him in a wheelchair and wheeled him out and no one thought anything of it since House is usually in a state of unconsciousness for one reason or another anyway. Either way, I think we can chalk up one more failure to the crack PPTH security team, who managed not to notice an important member of the staff being kidnapped from his office, which is all windows and no walls.
House guesses that his mother didn't call Cuddy about the funeral after all, but Wilson. I still can't believe House's mother is calling anyone! Doesn't she have better things to do and worry about than tracking down House's ex-friends and begging them for favors? And doesn't Wilson have better things to do and worry about than accepting those requests? House says Wilson loved him too much to stay away. "I'm doing this for your mom," Wilson says. Bullshit. Or maybe not. Wilson does have a hard time turning down women. But how close can you really be to a guy you met as an adult's mother? Weird. House says he isn't doing this "at all." He had the last year his father was dying (I guess his dad was terminally ill for the last year, which is new information. Not like it really matters anymore) to do something. He didn't then, and he's hoping to keep the streak of inactivity alive for the funeral now. With that, House discovers a loss worth truly grieving over: his Vicodin. Wilson has taken it from him and will be in charge of dispensing it to House one tiny pill at a time. Well, they can go ahead and add torture to the list of charges against Wilson for this little kidnapping stunt. And then the melodic sounds of Hanson's hit song "MMMbop" come floating through the cabin, and House recognizes it as his special Cottage ring tone. Ah hahahaha! Ha ha ha ha! I will never not laugh over funny ring tones. Especially when they're House's. Is this one better or worse than "Whatta Man," though? I say it's worse because I personally love Salt N Pepa and En Vogue. Wilson won't give House his phone, but he does put it on speaker so House can communicate with his team.
"I'm being held against my will call the police!" he shouts to them as a greeting. Hilariously, they totally ignore this and keep on talking as if nothing out of the ordinary was going on. I'm assuming Cuddy told them what happened, and am disappointed we didn't get to see that scene, either. If only we didn't have to waste time with this Nicole person, there would have been some hilarious hijinks going on this week. Hadley says Nicole had a clot in her liver, which Chase was able to suck out. She sounds really angry when she says this, too. Hadley is a passionate opponent of hepatic vein clots. Kumar says they didn't see any malformations in the liver that could cause the clot, but Hadley thinks Nicole's smoking habit combined with a host of different genetic disorders could make her a "clotting machine." Uh oh! Genetic disorders? Looks like we're going back to China. Or not, as Foreman instructs Kumar to draw some blood from Nicole and test it for genetic disorders. So, that was easy. With that, House hangs up on them and informs Wilson that his ring tone is "Dancing Queen." Hmm. Wilson doesn't exactly strike me as someone who would feel the beat from the tambourine.
Kumar enters Nicole's room to do the blood draw, but she's gone. Way to go, PPTH security team!
House tells Wilson to pull over so he can pee. At this, Wilson produces an empty plastic bottle. House tosses it in the backseat and childishly threatens to pee on the floor of Wilson's car. That's when he looks down to see that Wilson put used floormats in his car for just such an occasion. Way to memorize what Wilson's floormats look like, House. That's way too much investment. I have a photographic memory, and I'd be hard pressed to identify my own floormats in a lineup, let alone anyone else's. In any case, House throws the floormat out the window and starts unzipping his pants. Wilson says he'll pull over at the next rest stop. I don't know why he even tried, really. House zips back up. I think Wilson should have called House's bluff. And if it wasn't a bluff and House ended up peeing all over the floor of Wilson's car, then House would be the one sitting in the puddle.
They stop at the rest stop that looks suspiciously similar to the park in a previous episode . House demands his cane, but Wilson refuses, telling House to limp the short distance to the bathroom. His bad leg failing to get any pity from Wilson, he talks about how his dad refused to speak to him for an entire summer, communicating only through notes he slipped under House's bedroom door. I guess we see where House got his manchild tendencies from. Honestly, Father House. Notes slipped under a door? The silent treatment? Are you eight? Wilson can't help but give House advice on how to be a human, telling him he doesn't have to give the eulogy, but he should show up for his mother's sake. House just asks for his cane again, saying he'll agree to go to the funeral if he can have it. Wilson doesn't think hard enough about this and chooses to trust House, handing him his cane from the trunk of his car. House immediately smacks Wilson's hand with it, causing him to drop his car keys into a sewer grate. "I said I'd go to the funeral. I didn't say when," House says. I really don't know what else Wilson was expecting to happen.
Kumar finds Nicole smoking outside. He lectures her for leaving her room, but she doesn't care. Nicotine addiction beats hospital rules any day of the week. Kumar takes a seat next to her and decides to just do the blood draw there on the bench. A woman walks by and stares at them, which prompts Nicole to say that she's used to people staring at her, since they do whenever she's out with her white family. "Belonging's overrated," Kumar says, revealing that he was also adopted by a white family when he was nine years old. Sigh. Kumar has the most interesting backstory out of any of these people, and it's the one we know the least about. I want to know why he took his adoptive parents' last name instead of keeping his tragically-killed biological parents'. You'd think he'd want to honor their memory somehow. So many questions! Anyway, unlike Nicole, he liked being different. "The view's better from the outside looking in," he says. Perhaps, but I hear the grass is always greener from the inside looking out. Nicole says it's probably a lost easier to be different when you're successful, as if being a doctor is something that automatically happened to Kumar and he didn't work at it for years and years. Kumar doesn't answer, because there's a pool of CGI blood developing on the venipuncture site. And that's why the only people who stick needles in their arms on park benches are heroin addicts, and that's only if they can't find a good public bathroom.
Back from break, Wilson is revving up his battery-less flashlight in an effort to find his keys. House notes that Wilson has an impressive amount of emergency supplies in his trunk, and he does. He has emergency supplies for emergency supplies. Meanwhile, I live in an earthquake zone, and all I have in my trunk is a soccer ball and a dead bee. Wilson puts me to shame. "When things go wrong, I like to be ready," Wilson explains. Ah, see, there's the problem. He said "when," not "if." He's expecting there to be an emergency he will need his supplies for. I've decided that IF I'm ever in some kind of emergency, there will be a Starbucks within walking distance for me to go to. Because there's always a Starbucks within walking distance. Unless you're in my hometown, which won't let Starbucks build there because they'd rather stare at a shack of a bakery that's been closed for ten years since its owner died. But everywhere else, Starbucks. So I'll be just fine. I guess Wilson can pretty much assume that disasters will happen to him when he does silly things like ask House to hold his flashlight while he fishes around in the grate for his keys. Guess what House does? He stuffs the flashlight down the drain, where it will keep the keys company. Wilson is pissed, and gives House exactly what he wanted in the first place: attention. He says House has not only lost his car keys, but also his house keys, and on the keychain Amber gave him. Wilson is again being stupid not to realize that if House has his floormats memorized, he's definitely got his keychain memorized, so he knows it's a simple dealer keychain. While Wilson looks around in his trunk for the back-up to his back-up batteryless flashlight, House wonders what kind of man lies about a gift from a dead girlfriend. Wilson says he was just responding to a "childish, pointless act of petulance." House doesn't deny the childish part, but says, with hilarious intensity, "the struggle to resist one's captors is never pointless!"
Wilson tells House that he can stop trying to delay them, since Mother House told him that she'd hold up the funeral until House arrived. Well, that's just embarrassing. You're going to make the people who cared enough to turn out for the funeral sit around for hours waiting for the dead guy's son to show up? Is this really the best way to honor Father House? Did he even want House at his funeral? I'm starting to wonder who all this is really for. House doesn't believe Wilson, saying his father was a stickler for timeliness, to the point where he'd withhold dinner if you were two seconds late for it. Father House must have spent the last years of his life being really, really, REALLY angry at airports. One time, I showed up for a flight and they told me it had been delayed FOR SEVEN HOURS. I almost missed a wedding! Maybe that's what killed Father House. House begs Wilson to call a locksmith so they can hang out with the cool truckers, but Wilson produces his keychain on the end of a wire hanger he just happened to have in his trunk, because you never know when you're going to encounter the disaster of Joan Crawford. Wilson says he doesn't want to do any hanging out. "I'm delivering you to your mother and that's it. I've moved on," he claims. But if he'd really moved on, he would have made sure Cuddy injected House with enough knockout drugs to keep him unconscious for the entire car ride.
Hey, who's that blonde woman? She looks familiar, and yet ... I just can't place her. And she's with some blond guy who also looks familiar. They seem to know Foreman. Maybe he was adopted into a white family too, and these are his siblings? Oh wait! It's Cameron and Chase! What's going on, you two? Ah, I see Cameron is being her very Cameroniest and trying to order flowers for House's mother from her ex-boss. She asks Chase if House would be more likely to send the "gentle comfort arrangement" or the "warm thoughts bouquet." Chase doesn't even answer before Cameron hastens to add "if he wasn't an ass." Don't be insulting to asses, Cameron. Donkeys are more sympathetic to their mothers when they lose a spouse than House is. And don't send either of those flower arrangements, because they both sound super-lame. "Gentle comfort arrangement?" That sounds like a dryer sheet. Come on. Chase has a much better idea: a giant cookie shaped like a coffin. Cameron is horrified, but Chase says Mother House would actually believe her son sent that. And she'd get a delicious cookie! I see nothing wrong with that plan. Foreman says he didn't tell them about Father House's death so that Cameron could go running to the nearest computer to start ordering flowers; he did it to show them the depths to which their former boss has sunk, having to be kidnapped to attend his own father's funeral.
Kumar walks up and says they were finally able to get Nicole's bleeding under control. Cameron is surprised to hear the patient is both clotting and bleeding, as if that's never happened before . Kumar says clotting and bleeding means DIC, which also somehow means cancer. Cameron suggests leukemia, but Kumar points out that her white blood cell count was normal, so how about looking at her chart before talking nonsense, Cameron? Go order some flowers. Foreman suspects a tumor in Nicole's GI tract. Kumar points out that House already did an ultrasound there and didn't find anything. Foreman says he wasn't looking for a tumor. Yeah, but if one was there, House would have found it. Have a little faith, Foreman. He sends Kumar off to give Nicole a CT scan. "I don't buy it," Chase says. Foreman gets all defensive, thinking Chase is doubting his diagnosis, but Chase is talking about House's reaction to his father's death. He says he hated his father, but when he died he was so upset he killed a patient. I still say the patient killed herself by not telling anyone about her bloody diarrhea, and I'll always say that. If you keep bloody shit a secret, you're gonna die! It's simple as that. Chase says House can act like he doesn't care about his dead father, but he thinks he's a mess inside. I'd like to think that, but I'm not so sure.
Despite claiming to have moved on, Wilson is doing his psychoanalysis thing. He can't help it! He says no matter how badly House's father treated him, House is still "biologically programmed" to have feelings for him. House says he isn't, since his father isn't his biological father. This comes as a surprise to Wilson, and House says he figured it out when he was 12. Uh huh. I think we all decided we were adopted when we were 12, and that our real parents would come and take us away from the misery we were living in because our evil adoptive parents wouldn't let us watch TV at night. But House actually did some research. First of all, he knows his father was out of the country doing military stuff around the time he was conceived. See, he's already done way too much thinking about the time he was conceived. I prefer not to dwell on things like that myself. Because it's gross. Wilson points out that his mother could have flown out to visit his father. House says his father's second toe is longer than his big toe. House's is not. And he has a red birthmark on his scalp that matches one on a friend of the family's. Birthmarks are hereditary? I didn't know that. Gorbachev's kids better watch out! Wilson doesn't believe this, saying House would have done a DNA test by now to see if he was right. He's so distracted with disbelief that he doesn't notice the police car he's driving behind. House does, and he sticks his cane (Wilson unwisely let him have it even after he used it as a weapon) on the gas pedal. "There's a cop!" Wilson says, as if House isn't doing this for precisely that reason. Wilson ends up passing the cop car illegally and speedily. It immediately turns its lights on to pull him over. House is very pleased with himself.
While Nicole gets her CT scan, Kumar decides to enlighten Taub with the information that Nicole was adopted because her parents thought they couldn't have kids. Then they managed to have three biological children, and she figured they loved their real kids more than her. Taub says the biological children probably thought they were horrible accidents while the adopted child was hand-picked. Yeah ... no. I don't think they thought that. Especially since I don't see Nicole's parents adopting any more children once they were able to conceive them biologically. "Everybody's got problems with their parents," Taub says. "She's an addict. Something went wrong," says Kumar, who's obviously watched too many episodes of Intervention , if that's even possible. Taub thinks Kumar is just trying to justify Nicole's faults by blaming them on her parents because he likes her. The CT scan gets sick of hearing Taub's voice, so it starts beeping because it can somehow tell that there's something amiss on the scan. That's because while the MRI of DOOOM!! is full of evil, the CT scan is Goodness and Light
The police officer is calling Wilson in on his radio while House makes fun of Wilson's attempt to explain his driving to the officer. He said he "lost track of [his] speed." "I think that was Hitler's excuse. 'Lost track of the Jews,'" House says. I doubt it. Hitler couldn't have lost track of the Jews. He had them all labeled and everything, just for that purpose. House says he thinks Wilson was trying to "protect" him by not telling the officer what really happened. I think Wilson knows that telling the officer that his handicapped passenger shoved his cane on the gas peddle wouldn't have made any difference, so he just went for the simplest explanation to make this go as quickly as possible. "You are going to this funeral," Wilson says. "Mmmbop; ba dooba dop bah doo bop," Hanson says.
House tells Foreman to "make it fast." Foreman says they found a large cyst in Nicole's pancreas as the officer returns to the car and tells Wilson to step outside. Uh oh. "Wilson's getting arrested," House explains. Foreman immediately asks House what he did to make this happen, knowing full well that no one gets arrested around House without it being entirely his fault. House claims he's just joking as the officer cuffs Wilson, who stares at House through the windshield, more disgusted with himself than surprised at this turn of events. Foreman says the cyst is "at least" 8 centimeters in diameter. Before he can say anything more, the officer tells House to get out of the car and starts to take his phone. House only has time to let out a metaphor about a construction site and a steamroller before it's confiscated. I guess House could tell the officer that he's a doctor and that was a very important phone call, but since the officer just heard him talking about construction sites and steamrollers, I don't think he'll buy it. As House starts to get out of the car, the officer tells him to leave the cane behind. Unlike Wilson, he's anticipating House using it as a weapon. As he pats House down and cuffs him, he tells Wilson there's a warrant out in Louisiana for his arrest. Okay, but why arrest House? Since when was it illegal to sit in a car with a wanted man?
Back at PPTH, the Cottages are left to try to figure out House's metaphor, which is pretty much impossible. Kumar tries, but Foreman tells him to give it up, saying the metaphors are hard enough to decipher after they've been explained. Taub, meanwhile, keeps trying to call House and lets everyone know that he isn't answering his phone. "There's not going to be an answer! They've been arrested!" Foreman says, losing his patience. Taub says he'll try to call Wilson. Foreman looks like he wants to strangle him. Meanwhile, Hadley and Kumar are still going on about steamrollers. There's no help to be found here, so Forman leaves the room.
Meanwhile, Podunk PD is alive with the sounds of Hanson, as House's cell rings and rings and rings. House tells the officer that he's a doctor and the call is probably urgent, but now we see the folly of having a whimsical ring tone: it makes your story about having a serious life or death job much less believable. "I'm sure there's other smart doctors," the officer says. "You'd be surprised," House says. Seriously. PPTH only has, like, one doctor per department if that. Which means the one surgeon -- Chase -- is responsible for every type of surgery. Cameron treats every single patient in the ER. O'Shea does whatever he's responsible for (I miss him). And the cancer patients are SOL because Wilson is gone. Speaking of Wilson, he's blaming House for their current situation, saying House's first words to him were that he'd taken care of "this." House claims he did, so someone else must have screwed up. Wilson tries to endear himself to the officer, saying they're on their way to a funeral and the warrant for his arrest is really old. The officer is not amused. He lists off the "minor" charges against Wilson: vandalism, destruction of property, and assault. Whoa. House is having the time of his life.
Wilson tries to explain how he got arrested, even though the officer says no explanation is needed. Well, maybe you don't need an explanation, but we do. Wilson says he was just out of med school and attending a conference in New Orleans. House repeats the officer's statement that Wilson doesn't need to explain anything, and Wilson loses his temper, shouting that he won't let House skip his father's funeral because of his old arrest. The officer looks up at this, and House defends himself, saying that it's his father, so he's allowed to miss his funeral if he wants to. "Not if your mother's alive, you don't," the officer says, suddenly all into the House-Wilson dynamic. He tells Wilson to go ahead with the explanation. And then the scene ends. Well, crap.
Foreman's gone to the Cottages who might actually be of some use: Chase and Cameron. Yay! They're finally included! They try to interpret House's reaction to the latest patient stats before his arrest, which boils down to a whistle of surprise and the metaphor. Through a bunch of medical jargon, they come up with a diagnosis of gallstones. Killer gallstones. Foreman turns to leave, only to run into Kumar, who somehow managed to sift through the steamroller metaphor to come up with gallstones as well. Chase and Cameron are impressed. Don't judge House's new team's competency by Kumar, guys. The other two suck.
And now it's time for Wilson's Tale: A Story of Arrest and Betrayal . He was at the hotel bar, trying to unwind after a long day of medical conferencing, when some guy kept playing the same Billy Joel song on the jukebox over and over again. House and the officer agree that said Billy Joel song is a good one, although not Joel's best. Wilson says he tried to politely ask the man to stop playing the song, but "courtesy made no impression on this ass," so he yelled. And when that didn't work, he threw a beer bottle into a mirror, which House points out was an antique and set off a good old-fashioned bar brawl. Oh, those medical conference hotel guests: always ready for a bar brawl! Wilson says the assault charge is bogus and he paid for the mirror. The officer knows House well enough to guess that he was the guy who kept playing the song, but House surprises us all by saying that not only wasn't he the ass in that situation, but he also spent his own money to bail Wilson out of jail afterwards. Whaaa? Then again, this would have been before his leg got all jacked up. Maybe he was a little more human back then. House says the convention was boring, so he was happy to meet someone interesting to drink with. So, even though he didn't know Wilson, he bailed him out and they've been dysfunctional friends ever since. House thinks Wilson should be proud; out of three thousand conference attendees, Wilson was the only one House found remotely appealing. Wilson says it's pretty amazing that their friendship was built on the lie House told that he had taken care of everything. House defends himself, saying he got Wilson a lawyer. Wilson was the one who didn't call that lawyer or show up at the arraignment. He just figured that the random stranger who bailed him out of jail had taken care of everything and didn't bother getting proof of that. That's Wilson's fault. I side with House here. What I would like to know is how this never came back to haunt Wilson earlier, like two seasons ago when Tritter was doing background checks on everyone associated with House. With that, the officer hears back from Louisiana. They don't want to pay to extradite Wilson, so they're dropping the charges and he's free to go. Well, that was easy. I should just go to a random state and cause trouble and then jump bail with no repercussions. This is terrible news to House, who all but begs the officer to keep them here. The officer isn't having that. He tells House to go to his father's funeral.
Chase, Kumar, and Taub are at Nicole's bedside. A CT scan confirmed her gallstones, which in rare cases can apparently turn ridiculously lethal. Chase is about to prep Nicole for surgery when he notices her catheter bag is full of dark brown liquid, which means her kidneys are failing. Way to notice, PPTH staff. Shameful. Taub helplessly says Nicole's kidneys were fine the last time he checked a few hours ago, as if that makes any difference. Nicole may have gallstones, but those aren't what's killing her.
Wilson and House are back on the road. House is on the phone, and he's claiming that he never thought it was gallstones in the first place. "You said steamroller!" Kumar says. Aw, he was so proud of himself for figuring out the metaphor, wasn't he? House cares more about begging Wilson to give up on the funeral than he does Nicole, saying the funeral's been over for two hours and they seem to be lost in this neighborhood anyway, as they've passed "that colonial with the cross burning out front" three times already. Ah, but they're in Kentucky (I think Cuddy said the funeral was in Lexington), which means there are many colonials with crosses burning out front. I doubt it's the same colonial. Wilson claims he knows where he's going, and House gets back to his phone call, saying he was thinking that the pancreatic cyst could be connected to other organs, affecting them "like a steamroller." But how can they prove this? "Bubbles!" Hadley suddenly says. "Is that your new stripper name?" House asks, because you can't just pipe up with a random word like that without getting made fun of. "Yes. And also we inject bubbles into the cyst and follow where they drift," Hadley says, not missing a beat. I do like how she usually reacts to House's teasing by not giving him the satisfaction of getting pissed off. If the air bubbles go to Nicole's other organs, they'll know that's what's causing her problems, cut the cyst out, and Nicole will be just fine. I don't think shooting tiny air bubbles into someone's body can be all that safe, but House likes it. He hangs up the phone just as Wilson's pulling up to a funeral home, much to House's disappointment.
The Cottages try to perform the bubble test, but unfortunately, Nicole's feeling the pain of alcohol withdrawal and shaking uncontrollably. They all roll their eyes. Such empathy!
House and Wilson enter the funeral home, where several mourners and formally-outfitted military officials are milling around. Wilson tries not to smile as he says it looks like they didn't miss the funeral after all. And then House's mother sees him, so there's no turning back. She walks up and gives him a warm hug that he doesn't really return. She gushes that it's great to see him here and sincerely thanks Wilson for being the person who brought him. Wilson loves being needed. House better watch out that his mother doesn't try to marry Wilson. House asks his mother how she could delay the funeral like this, when he was so counting on her not to. And when her husband was so into things being on time. "Your dad is dead! He's not going to care," Mother House says, not looking one bit like the sad widow I think she's supposed to be. Or like House's mother. She only looks like ten years older than he does! House tries to get out of the eulogy, but Mother House demands that House deliver it. "I don't care that you didn't like him. He was your father, and he loved you. The war is over, Greg. Please do this for me," she says. What is her problem? Why is she being so pushy? I don't like Mother House. And then she lectures Wilson not to look so worried, since she "knows" House will make her proud. Way to put all those expectations on your son who had to be drugged to even be here, Mother House. I'm so sure things will work out just the way you planned.
Back at PPTH, Kumar tells Nicole's parents that they'll have to actually paralyze Nicole's muscles in order to stop her DTs and do the bubble test. Why don't they just give her some alcohol? I know that's not ideal, but it might be safer than putting her in a Phenobarbital coma. Nicole weakly says she wanted to stop drinking. Her father steps forward and gives his sob story about everything they've been through to try to save their alcoholic daughter, even picking her up from bars in the middle of the night. He doesn't seem to realize how lucky he is that that didn't lead to a fatal bus accident. Nicole turns to Kumar and says she used to say she'd get it together and stop drinking, but she doesn't say that anymore. Kumar's just like, "uh ... why are they telling me about their family dramarama?" He says they can make Nicole healthy first, and worry about the sober part later. As in, shut up with the drinking lectures, Dad.
And speaking of dads, someone convinced House to put a tie on for the funeral, which is currently underway. While the rest of the mourners listen to the priest and recite things, House and Wilson rudely and loudly argue about how much of an impact Father House really had on House's life. House says none, while Wilson points out that House has done everything possible to defy all of the rules Father House held so dear. So if you're like Father House, you're an ass. But if you're the opposite, you're still an ass. What's the point of even trying? House ignores Wilson to scan the crowd, noting that the man he thinks is his real father is in attendance. We don't get to actually see him, but Wilson says he looks like Sean Connery. Oooh, will we get a Sean Connery guest appearance in the future? I doubt it, but you never know. House reveals that he did tell his father about his suspicions regarding his true paternity, which Wilson can't believe. He asks House how Father House took the news. "I already told you. He didn't speak to me for a summer," House says.
Mother House summons her son up to the podium to say a few words. House still looks like he's hoping something will happen that will get him out of doing this, but it doesn't, so he limps up, casts a backwards glance at his father's body (R. Lee Ermey, collecting an easy paycheck!), and starts improvising. He starts out by noting that all the military people present are his father's rank or higher, because he father didn't treat his underlings very well. Wilson rolls his eyes, knowing what's coming. House says his father was a man who refused to see any point of view but his own, and punished what he perceived to be failure. The funeral attendees, meanwhile, don't seem too upset to hear any of this. I'd at least be staring at my shoes in the universal sign for "this is getting awkward." And then, amazingly, House stops himself and decides not to be an asshole. Sort of. He says his father loved his work, and saw it as more important than even his personal relationships. "Maybe if he'd been a better father, I'd be a better son," he says; "but I am what I am because of him." Well, that's a shitty legacy to leave, Father House. House tries to say something else, but he chokes up and leaves the podium. I don't see any tears in his eyes, though. He turns and bends over to kiss his dad, which Wilson finds shocking enough to get up and check out for himself. Sure enough, although House does actually kiss his dad's forehead, his real reason for being there is to snip off a piece of his dad's ear for DNA testing.
Wilson runs up, puts a hand on House's shoulder, and whispers to him to "put it back." "He's not gonna miss it," House shrugs, totally not sad at all. Aw, I thought he was human for a second, I really did. I'm such a sucker. House tells Wilson he'll only be upsetting the rest of the funeral attendees if he makes a big deal out of this. With that, they enter an unspoken agreement to go to another room and leave the funeral.
While some old lady lies dead in a coffin behind him, Wilson says he can't believe he's still surprised when House does things like this. I think it's telling that House was never able to get close enough to his father to get a DNA sample until after the guy was dead. House tells Wilson to cut the holier-than-thou act, since he enjoys watching House do the things he does. Unlike what Wilson did to House, House never had to force Wilson to "come along for the ride." House somehow jumps from that to CTB's death, saying it threw Wilson because he has to be prepared for the worst at all times, and he wasn't prepared with CTB because she was young and healthy and not supposed to die. He thinks Wilson is so scared of losing the person who means the most to him that he's dumping him before it can happen. Wilson denies this, saying he's just trying to move forward. He accuses House of making everything about him: CTB's death, his father's death, everything. Well, the show is called House . That's to be expected. "Admit it. You're scared of losing me," House says, thoroughly enjoying himself. He says "admit it" over and over again as Wilson tries to deny it, stepping closer and closer to him until the dead woman finally sits up and tells them to make out already. Actually, Wilson gets so angry that he picks up a bottle of Maker's Mark that is conveniently sitting on a table (must be an Irish funeral) and launches it through a stained glass window. "Still not boring!" House says. Wow, what's up with Wilson and his irrational hatred of bottles and antiques?
After the break, House and Wilson have made their way to a diner, where Wilson asks House if he knew Wilson was going to throw the bottle. House says he's always known that Wilson has trouble losing people (unlike the rest of us, who are just fine with death and loss). Back in New Orleans, he saw Wilson carrying around an express delivery package that he never opened. This intrigued House, so he checked out the return address on the package and saw a divorce attorney. And that was the end of Wilson's first marriage. Wilson is struck by this, wondering if House bailed him out of jail because he was being nice to a guy who was having a rough time. Divorce or not, I don't think it's all that crazy to throw a bottle because a guy won't stop playing the same Billy Joel song over and over again. In fact, I think it's perfectly justifiable. That's really annoying behavior.
House checks in on the Cottages. It turns out that Nicole has a cardiomyopathy out of nowhere. Did a scene get cut out or something? How'd they figure that out? Kumar says the ultrasound images of Nicole's heart they apparently did were "grainy," so they're having trouble pinpointing exactly what the problem is. House says the images aren't grainy. "They sure look grainy!" Taub says. Shut up, Taub. You are more annoying in this episode than Hadley. House says an iron overload could cause the images to look grainy. It would also cause all of Nicole's other symptoms. Kumar doubts this, but House says they can give Nicole an MRI to confirm his diagnosis, and he's looking forward to hearing that he can diagnose patients from 500 miles away better than they can in the same room as them. House should record this conversation and send it to that officer just to prove that all the other doctors in PPTH are, in fact, stupid.
With that, House is somehow able to call all the way to China on his cell phone. He reaches Nicole's interpreter and asks him if Nicole's biological parents looked "tan." The interpreter says they didn't look more "tan" than anyone else. Also, the lighting was really low in that temple. House asks about discolored teeth. The interpreter says they came from a village with no dentist. Everyone's teeth look funky. Getting nowhere, House is about to hang up when the interpreter says the couple might not have even been Nicole's parents in the first place, given their reaction to her. While the man was adamant that he had no daughter, the woman was "confused and frightened." "Thank you," House says, hanging up. Yo, that was polite! What show am I watching again?
House turns to Wilson for some differential diagnosing. Wilson humors him, even going so far as to say "I'm a middle-aged Chinese woman" before being asked why he'd be frightened to see a woman claiming to be his long-lost daughter. Wilson comes up with the theory that I can't believe House didn't think of first, considering that I assumed it from the start: the couple gave Nicole up for adoption because she was born under China's one child law and they wanted a son. This gets the wheels spinning in House's head, and he says maybe they tried to kill the daughter, but didn't succeed and the father ended up leaving her in an orphanage without telling his wife, who assumed she was dead. I guess the wife, like Wilson and criminal activities, just figures things had been taken care of without asking for proof. That would explain why they reacted so strangely. House wonders if and how an attempted murder 25 years ago caused Nicole's health problems now. As Wilson makes a few guesses, House looks at him and asks if he's not having fun. Don't push it, House.
House returns to PPTH and demands to see Nicole's MRI. Kumar says they don't have one because Nicole started barfing as soon as they started the scan. Yes! The MRI of DOOOM!! strikes again! House doesn't understand why some puke on the floor would stop them. "That's what nurses are for," he says. And the Nurses Association fires up another angry letter-writing campaign. Taub leaves to do some puke MRI-ing. House tells the group his theory about Nicole's biological parents trying to kill her and asks for suggestions. Foreman goes for poison. Nope. Hadley says the weight of the Buddha could have put a strain on her back and triggered something. House doubts that in twenty-five years of life, Nicole hadn't lifted anything heavy before. Kumar points out that Nicole only got sick the second time she lifted the Buddha. Maybe the weight changed. At this, a light bulb turns on over House's head, and he says they need to page Taub before he gives Nicole an MRI of DOOOM!! that will kill her.
They X-Ray Nicole's head instead. And sure enough, House finds three small pins in Nicole's brain. Apparently, her parents shoved them into her soft baby skull to try to kill her and they've been hanging out there ever since. It wasn't a problem until Nicole tried to lift the Buddha the second time. The temple put a magnet inside the Buddha that was triggered when it was lifted the first time, thus causing the Buddha to become much heavier the second time and everyone to think their wishes would come true. Apparently this is the first time Nicole has ever been exposed to a strong magnet, and it pulled on the pins in her brain, causing them to hit a nerve that made her throw up, both in China and in the MRI. With that, House says Nicole is "lucky." Unlike the rest of us, she has actual proof of how her biological parents screwed her up. I don't think she feels very lucky. Also, I guess the rest of her symptoms were caused by the iron overload that also somehow came from the pins. It's not really explained.
Nicole is still in her coma, so Kumar tells her parents that simple brain surgery will get rid of the pins, after which Nicole should be just fine. They ask him if he can not tell Nicole that her biological parents tried to kill her, since she so desperately wanted to know them and won't react well to this bit of bad news. "She may not be as fragile as you think," Kumar says. "We know our daughter," Mom says. Kumar shows them that one of the pins in Nicole's head is pressing directly on the addiction center of her brain, which explains and excuses all of her addiction problems. Thus, they aren't Nicole's fault, nor are they her adoptive parents'. Everyone's happy! And House is probably even more jealous of Nicole's great good fortune. If only there were pins in his brain, he could get away with so much more.
Wilson stops by House's office. Well, well, well. Look who came crawling back, and much sooner than I expected. I thought this would last half the season at least. He finds House drinking at work and in full view of anyone who should happen to walk past his office. Wilson asks what that's about. House claims he's celebrating. The results of the DNA test are in, and Father House is not Biological Father House after all. Wilson is impressed as hell with 12 year-old House's mad detective skillz and doesn't understand why House seems so bummed to get the news he said he wanted. House says the news itself isn't what depresses him; it's the fact that it doesn't make any difference. Biological father or not, Father House was his father and raised him, not the Sean Connery guy. Wilson says we don't get to choose our parents, and he's not even sure we get to choose our friends. Those of us who aren't gluttons for punishment do. As for Wilson, he talked to Cuddy and she hasn't filled his position yet (surprise, surprise -- Cuddy can't do anything right. Her cancer patients are suffering and need a doctor and she's dragging her stiletto heels), so he's coming back. "That strange, annoying trip we just took was the most fun I've had since Amber died," Wilson says. I guess he likes fishing things out of grates. With that, House invites him out for dinner. They move to leave, but then House stops. "Wilson," he says, and here I thought maybe we'd get some kind of sincere and real apology or something from House about CTB. We don't, but we do get a glimmer of a human moment all the same. "My dad's dead," he says. "Yeah. My sympathies," says Wilson. They leave together.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me , which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com , especially if you know why the dashboard lights on her Ford Focus won't turn on anymore. Is it an electrical thing? The battery?
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