Broken
Updated 2009-09-22 07:47:39
Last time on House : House went to a mental institution. Let's spend two hours seeing how the writers dig themselves out of that hole this season, shall we? A stoned and sweaty House lies in his mental hospital bed as Radiohead plays instead of the opening theme. He curls up in a fetal position. He takes his pills, which are not Vicodin. He pukes. A nurse cleans him up. Withdrawal sucks. Or maybe it's the institution food. Also, his leg hurts. He bangs on his room door and screams for someone to help him. And now he's in restraints. That'll teach him to ask those overworked and underpaid nurses for help. By the way, before they started House on the detox, they gave him a new short haircut. Not a shave, though. Never a shave. Props to the whoever's in charge of Hugh Laurie's bald spot, because that piece is good.
The music ends and the show begins. House, no longer in restraints, gets out of bed and rubs his leg. Apparently, he's feeling much better, as he grabs a suitcase and starts packing up all of his faux vintage T-shirts. He randomly steals a wool hat off of another patient's head as if that guy doesn't have enough problems and tells the pill station lady that he's ready to go now that he's off the drugs. She says she'll check with the doctor, but House says no way. He's here on a volunteer basis so he'll be leaving on one, too. "Dr. Nolan left specific instructions," the pill station lady says. Uh oh.
House lets himself into what I'm assuming is Dr. Nolan's office, where we find Andre Braugher talking to a colleague. House interrupts their meeting and introduces himself to his doctor with this: "and he's black!" Ah, first impressions. Nolan gives his colleague a nod that tells her to leave the scene. House says he's feeling much better now: no more hallucinations, no more painkillers, and the leg pain is "manageable." Yeah, as in as soon as he takes one step outside of the mental hospital he'll be managing it with Vicodin. Nolan says House is "legally" free to leave anytime, but it's his "suggestion" that House stick around for a while. House removes the hat that I still don't know why he was wearing in the first place and seems to have no intention of following Nolan's suggestions. Nolan asks why House didn't just check himself into rehab if he thought the hallucinations were from the Vicodin. "I was deluded into thinking I might be crazy," House says. Yes ... but I think the fact he was deluded by his delusions kind of means that he really is crazy. Nolan points out that House abused Vicodin for years without hallucinations or insomnia. It was only after CTB, his father, and Kumar died that he started having those problems. "Your issues run deeper than Vicodin," Nolan says. Right - like being unable to distinguish reality from fantasy. Nolan recommends that House be transferred to a "long-term ward" and start talk therapy and medication. And not the good kind of medication, either. House turns to leave the office and the hospital. Nolan lets him get to the door before saying that he won't be able to practice medicine again without Nolan's recommendation. Way to make the crippled guy who just got off painkillers do some extra walking, Nolan. House accuses Nolan of blackmail. "You need to get better," Nolan says.
And with that, House is brought to Ward Six, the long-term care ward. His fellow patients look like patients from every depiction of a mental hospital you've ever seen on TV or in the movies.
House meets with his doctor, the same woman from Nolan's office. Her name is Dr. Beasley. She looks a LOT like CTB, but no one ever mentions that, so whatever. House asks her how long he has to be here. She says that depends on him, of course, and the progress he makes. That includes participating in both group and individual therapy. Bummer. Instead of going along with it to get out as quickly as possible, House elects to threaten Beasley that he will turn her ward "upside down" and make hers and Nolan's lives miserable until Nolan writes the recommendation just to get rid of House. House appears to be confusing Nolan for Cuddy, which is odd because they look nothing alike. I get the distinct impression that Nolan isn't the pushover House is assuming he is. Mostly because of what I've seen him do on Homicide: Life on the Street . Beasley doesn't look scared, either.
House enters his new bedroom, which has two beds. That means there's a roommate. And here he is now! His name is Alvie and he's twitchy and manic depressive and off his meds, which seems to happen a lot. "Istoppedtakingmymedsbecauseiwanttostoptakingmymedsbecausenothingswrongwithme," he says. By the way, he's played by Lin-Manual Miranda. I went to school with him, and he is awesome. But this character annoyed the living shit out of me. House seems to agree, judging by the look on his face. "Myroommatelasttimecouldntstandme," Alvie says. House is not surprised. Alvie talks way too fast and way too loud and is trying way too hard. When House says his name is "House," Alvie breaks out in song, performing "Brick House" by The Commodores. It's mighty mighty annoying. House attempts to escape the obnoxiousness but it follows him down the hallway and into the common room, where Alvie introduces him to Gabby, who is catatonic. She hasn't spoken or otherwise interacted with the world around her in ten years, as Alvie explains. There was a mental patient who wouldn't speak on Night Court once. Guess what? She spoke by the end of the episode. People don't put catatonic people in movies or on TV unless they're going to miraculously cure them before the show is over. But this show has never been predictable, so hopefully Gabby will stay silent. House raps on a window to get someone in charge's attention so he can get a new roommate ASAP. Alvie is used to this, and tells House that this window is also where he'll get his daily meds. House says he isn't on any meds, sounding just a little bit disappointed about that. He misses his Vicodin. Hell, he might even miss the hallucinations it apparently caused. They were much less irritating than Alvie.
House's request is ignored. Meanwhile, Alvie comes up with what I must admit sounds like a genius plan to revolutionize the long jump: go headfirst and then, right before you land, flip over and get three extra feet or so. This also sounds like my childhood contingency plan for what I would do if I ever found myself falling off a cliff while standing on a giant boulder like Wile E. Coyote often does: jump off the boulder at the very last second before it hits the ground. Then it would be like I was only falling a foot and I wouldn't die. With that, some guy flops on the floor and screams about his head until a nurse walks out of the window room to calmly inform him that he won't get any Haldol no matter how hard he tries. Meanwhile, there's a guy in a cowboy hat sitting in the background. Of course. Where's the guy dressed as Napoleon? Behind the corner, no doubt. Let's see how many other mental hospital clichés this show can fit in. The guy, who goes by Hal in the ward because he apparently loves his Haldol, calms down immediately once he realizes he won't get anything out of his fake fit. House notices a piano in the corner of the room which Alvie tells him not to bother with, as it's kept locked shut. So why have it there at all? To taunt the patients?
Meanwhile, House is being observed from afar by Beasley, Nolan, and some other guy who looks a lot like T.R. Knight, named Dr. Medina. Medina wonders why House would threaten them when he must know, as a fellow doctor, that acting out will only confirm their diagnosis. Nolan shrugs that House might have said it because he honestly thinks it'll work. "Patient makes a threat, you should always be concerned," he says. I'm not sure how much stock I can put in his expert medical opinion, however, since he only seems to hire the hottest and youngest doctors to work under him. Actually, that kind of reminds me of someone ...
Group therapy time! Beasley introduces (or in Alvie's case, re-introduces) the two new arrivals to the group and Alvie stands up and seriously I am going to throw my TV out the freaking window if he doesn't shut the fuck up. Ha! Beasley calls House "Greg." That sucks. House insta-diagnoses his fellow group therapy patients with claustrophobia (we put people in mental hospitals for that?), paranoia, anorexia (the same guy who wanted Haldol is also apparently anorexic. Don't they have dedicated care facilities for anorexics that would probably serve him better?), and a suicide attempt. Beasley gently informs him that some subjects are not to be brought up in group therapy, to which House apologizes, saying he feels so bad about breaking a rule on his first day that he wants to kill himself. Way to mess with the system, House! They'll surely have no choice but to let you out now. No one can stand that much wit! Beasley ends the group session all of two minutes after it began and the other patients take off to be with more pleasant people, like Catatonic Gabby. Beasley smirks that House isn't the first uncooperative patient they've had in Ward Six. "Really? Is there a club?" asks House. Beasley says there is, in fact, and invites House to come to the clubhouse. I wouldn't do that, House.
I guess he has no choice, as an orderly escorts him to a padded room and leaves his cane outside the door. "That didn't take long," the orderly smirks. "I'm that good," House says. I don't think it really takes a whole lot of skill to get sent to the rubber room at a mental hospital, but it seems kind of harsh when all he did was make one or two suicide jokes.
When House is let back out, he goes to the yard, where his wardmates are playing a game of basketball while Beasley cheers them on from a bench. Really? She doesn't have anything better to do than be a cheerleader? I really think she worked way too hard to get through medical school for that. House sits down next to her and she tries to give him a warm smile instead of her usual smirk, saying she's honestly trying to help him. House tells her to drop the sweet and caring act because he isn't buying it. She ignores this and says if he wants to get out of this place, the easiest and fastest way is to follow the rules and talk to and open up to people and be tolerant of others for once. That's good advice except for the fact that his roommate is the most annoying character in the history of characters. House agrees to give it a try and walks towards the court. Alvie immediately calls him for his team. "Shut up. Nobody likes you," House says to him quietly enough so that Beasley can't hear. Alvie deflates. That was awesome. House turns and faces off against the claustrophobic guy, getting in his face and crowding him until the poor guy is in a fetal position on the ground and gives House his basketball so he'll go away. House walks towards the paranoid guy and tells him that the CIA satellites are watching him because of his green sweatshirt, which the guy immediately removes. Oh come on. Just because he's paranoid doesn't mean he's stupid. He's not going to believe just anyone's conspiracy theory. House spins around and tells Hal that he's looking fat today. Hal runs off and House turns to Susan the suicidal girl, who I don't think is even playing basketball so this isn't really fair, asking her how it felt to wake up in the ER still alive and now knowing that she failed at suicide, too. She just turns and walks away but doesn't crumble into a million pieces or anything. With the court now empty of everyone except Alvie, who can't or won't get a clue, House simply makes an easy shot and shoots Beasley a look that says "see? I am such a badass. Look at how I take out the easiest of targets!"
House walks up some metal stairs back to the common room despite Beasley's protests that he's supposed to be outside for yard time. House finds the common room empty except for Catatonic Gabby and another woman who is playing the piano. House kind of flirts with her, asking how she got the piano key ("they gave it to me") and if Catatonic Gabby is German like the piano-playing woman is. He figured out she was German after she said one sentence? Impressive. The woman, Lydia, says Catatonic Gabby is her non-German sister-in-law. Her husband, Gabby's brother, doesn't visit because, as Lydia explains, he doesn't know how to play the piano. House doesn't think a whole lot of Lydia's abilities, either, saying she's "heavy" on the right foot as he takes a seat next to Gabby. Lydia doesn't care how well she plays, just that Gabby's head bobs to the music (I guess ... very slightly if at all. It kind of looks more like wishful thinking on Lydia's part more than anything else), which is the only reaction anyone can get out of her. House holds Gabby's hand, like, way to violate the non-communicative woman's personal space, House. After just a few seconds of touching Gabby's wrist, House is able to break Lydia's heart by telling her that Gabby isn't bobbing her head to the music at all, but involuntarily to her own pulse. Lydia asks House if he's a new doctor on the ward. "Technically, yes," House says. And here come Beasley and the orderlies to take him back to the padded room. If Lydia is surprised to find out that the man she was talking to is a patient just like Gabby, it's her own fault. House's patient bracelet couldn't have been more obvious. On his way out, he asks her to leave the piano unlocked.
House spends some more time in the padded room. The camera really doesn't need to get that close to his face. Come on, Katie Jacobs. Back off. Beasley finally enters with his cane to let him out telling him that if he keeps up the bad behavior, he'll live in the padded room. How is that a threat when his other option is rooming with Alvie?
House returns to the rec room, where Hal and Alvie are playing ping-pong without paddles or a net, as both of those things are not allowed because they are dangerous. Oh! Hal is played by the guy who played a recurring pervert on Reno 911! . Awesome. While the rest of the patients give House a wary look, Alvie is immediately friendly, inviting House to play against him while Hal wisely takes off before his poor body image can be dealt another blow. House would prefer to make an announcement to the group: he's unhappy at Mayfield and he unfairly took those feelings out on his fellow patients. Beasley takes a moment to bask in the glow of her patient's progress that she no doubt had a part in before House continues that the people he really should be angry with are the doctors. Alvie enjoys this very much. House says it's kind of mean of the doctors to give them a table but no paddles and no net. "Preach!" Alvie says. Beasley tells "Greg" that he knows where this will end. House ignores her and says the doctors think they're going to hang themselves with a ping-pong net, which isn't even possible. The rest of the patients agree with House, getting angry and telling Beasley that she treats them like children. House says that even kids are allowed to play ping-pong and the piano. Yes, but that's also because those kids are paranoid or suicidal or manic. Beasley nervously tries to call a group therapy session to discuss it, but Hal wants to talk here and now. The patients get rowdy and riotous and bang on the ping-pong table. Beasley looks pretty chill about it though. I have a feeling this place is well-equipped to deal with situations like this. We've all seen One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest . House grins like he's actually accomplished something - until Nolan walks in and the patients immediately calm down. Ha! They didn't calm down for Beasley. No respect! Surprisingly, Nolan just smiles and says House is right. He pulls two ping-pong paddles out from behind his back and says he thinks his patients can handle them. Yeah, until the paranoid guy decides that they're listening devices from the CIA. Surely they took those paddles away for a reason in the first place. In fact, I don't know what they were thinking putting a ping-pong table in the common room in the first place. Everyone is happy except House, who charges after Nolan and asks if his strategy is to give everyone what he wants except for House. It's not all about you, House. Well, actually, I guess since the show is called House and they're dedicating a two-hour premiere to him and none of the other cast members, it is. Nolan just says that House should use his natural leadership skills to do something "useful" for his fellow patients and himself. Or he can keep fighting authority and get nowhere, because Nolan promises that he's just as stubborn as House is. Plus, he has the control over the electrotherapy machine.
House is having trouble sleeping, mostly because his roommate is really freaking annoying and loves to freestyle rap. "Shut up," House says for all of us. Alvie mistakes this as an invitation for a conversation, and asks House what his new plan is to turn the hospital upside-down. House says he doesn't know yet, and Alvie starts rapping again. House tells him to shut up again. "Can I hum?" he asks. House throws a book at him. I hope it was a heavy book, and Alvie is dead.
The next morning, however, Alvie is very much alive and attending group therapy, as is House. And now there's a new patient: Steve, who prefers to be called Freedom Master. I'm not sure if that's one word or two when it's a name. It might be hyphenated. Oh, I guess it's not a first name but a superhero title, because Steve thinks he's a superhero. Because none of the four people who wrote this episode has ever been to a real mental hospital, it's starting to become very clear. Alvie is happy to see a superhero because it helps to balance out Mayfield's Jesus-to-Superhero ratio. Freedom Master says he tries to blend in in the outside world (obviously not that well, since he's no longer there) but in the hospital, he thinks people "get it," so he can truly be himself. Wouldn't he think that people in a mental hospital were also crazy and that he shouldn't be there with them? He would only think that they "get it" if he realized that he was crazy like them, right? Whatever. Suicide Susan asks if he truly believes that he can stop bullets. Um, he's called Freedom Master, Susan, not Bullet Resister. "I move out of their way," Freedom Master says. Paranoia just wants to know if Freedom Master can read minds. "No," he says. He's very good at finding an excuse not to have to prove his abilities, isn't he? House has had enough of this and walks over to the window. Freedom Master asks why Catatonic Gabby isn't talking except that she's not the only person in the group who hasn't spoken yet, so why would he notice that something was strange about her? "She needs help. She needs somebody to save her," he says. Beasley takes a five-minute break so everyone can "get to know" Freedom Master while she walks over to House. "I can fly!" Freedom Master says. What show am I watching?
Beasley accuses House of scheming again. Now who's being paranoid? Give a guy a little credit, Beasley. She asks House to chill out and try to let the therapy work. Perhaps an SSRI or two might help, she says. Not really . Also, are anti-depressants really the best treatment for a guy who has problems distinguishing reality from fantasy? Don't think I've forgotten why House had to commit himself to a mental hospital in the first place. Even though the writers apparently have. If House's problem can be solved with talk therapy and anti-depressants and he's obviously functioning, then he really doesn't need to be at Mayfield. House isn't paying any attention to Beasley anyway, as he's looking out the window at Nolan kissing a woman before they both get in her car that she did the worst job ever of parking. The straight white lines are there for a reason, bitch. Sorry, I just really hate it when people take up more than one space. House finally responds to Beasley to say she's a little late in her request, as he just thought of a new scheme.
Oh, no. More basketball. Worse yet, more Alvie. But now he's become useful to House because he has something called "third floor privileges." Apparently, by sharing that his uncle molested him, he is allowed to use the vending machines on the third floor. Nolan's office is also on the third floor, and House needs Alvie to break into it, check out Nolan's day planner, and find out the name of the woman he was meeting with today at eleven. Alvie also offers to get House some chips from the vending machine, and House starts to wonder if it's really a good idea to trust a mental patient to do a job like this. Seriously, even if he has the concentration to break into the office, he's just going to start rapping loudly and get caught as soon as he opens the door.
While House waits for Alvie to return, he notices that the piano has been left unlocked, just like he asked. Lydia is stupid. House ruins her illusion that her sister-in-law is communicating with her and repays him by doing what he asked, even though she knows he's a mental patient and there's probably a reason why the patients aren't allowed to have access to the piano? He plays a few notes, and a nurse quickly motions for an orderly to lock the piano back up. It really is ridiculous that they have a piano wasting space out there that no one is allowed to play. But on this show, they have pianos everywhere. Like when there was a piano at PPTH all tuned up and ready to be played because it was convenient to the plot. No doubt that will be the case here, too. House sits down next to Catatonic Gabby. As the orderly locks the piano, Alvie is carried through the common room by two more orderlies, presumably after being caught in Nolan's office. Apparently he was able to get the information House wanted, as he gives him a giant wink.
Actually, no, he didn't. As he tells House when he returns from whatever punishment he was given for sneaking into the office, Nolan's appointment book didn't have a name in it at all - just a big X in the middle of the day. Maybe her name is "X." That is a cool name. House says Nolan's appointment must be for illicit sex, and he should have no problem finding out the woman's name because he memorized her license plate. Now all he has to do is call his "friend" to find out who the car is registered to. That must be Wilson, right? House doesn't have any other friends. Unfortunately for House, he doesn't have phone privileges, either. The only person who does, in fact, is Hal, thanks to all the level-ascending points he gets for eating all of his food. In fact, he just sneaks it to Alvie. Hal is crazy, all right. Crazy like a fox! House has an idea, and asks Alvie if he can "cheek" a pill. Alvie says no. It's really hard to do that when your mouth never closes. "That's too bad for you," House says.
Back in the rec room, House and Alvie sit on a couch and prepare to execute their plan. And what is their plan exactly? Well, it begins with House punching Alvie in the fact. He throws Alvie to the ground and keeps punching him, just like Stewie is doing to that dog thing on Family Guy , which is playing on the hospital's flatscreen TV. First of all, they can't play the piano but they can watch Family Guy ? Okay. Second of all, it totally sucks that the mental hospital has a better TV than I do. Third of all, this is a shout-out to Family Guy 's shout-out to its fellow Best Comedy nominees, where Stewie beats the crap out of the dog for voting for every show except Family Guy , as if Family Guy and House were really going to beat 30 Rock and Mad Men . Also as if Family Guy deserved to be nominated at all. Anyway, while Hugh Laurie's punching looks so fake that I wasn't sure if House was pretending to punch Alvie or if the fight choreographer should be fired, the nurse alerts Beasley, who calls for some Haldol. But not in shot form - in pill form, which the orderlies shove down House's throat. Because it's not like it's urgent to calm the violent mental patient down or anything, so let's give him a pill that takes ten minutes to take effect and has to be administered by shoving a horse pill down a non-cooperative patient's throat. Come on .
A fake-unconscious House is placed in bed and left there. No restraints, no supervision - nothing. Okay. Alvie walks in, his face looking a bit bruised up, and tells House that what they just did was "awesome." House doesn't say anything because he has two giant Haldol pills in his mouth. So they went to all that effort to give House pills instead of a shot, and they didn't even check to make sure that he swallowed them? Can't this show at least try to help me suspend my disbelief? House spits the pills out and wonders if Hal will mind that they're wet.
So House gets his phone call. I'll bet he's still rooming with Alvie too, even though as far as the staff knows, he tried to kill him. Oh well. At least we get to see Wilson. He answers the phone after one ring and somehow immediately knows that the random payphone calling him is House. "How's it going?" he asks, clearly not sure how he's supposed to talk to his now-crazy best friend. House doesn't respond sarcastically, shockingly enough, saying that the hallucinations are gone and he's off the Vicodin. As for the leg pain "I'm dealing." He asks Wilson to "run a license plate." Wilson would rather not get involved in whatever this is about and encourages House to do what they tell him and get better. "I'll be able to visit soon," he says. If he actually does visit House, it takes place off-camera. House says that if he finds out who owns this car, he'll be able to do the visiting. Is that supposed to be an incentive for Wilson? Yay, your crazy friend got himself prematurely released from the mental hospital and he's coming over! Not so much. House says he suspects that Nolan made a big mistake in his life to be at this stage of his life and career and only running one mental ward. He needs to find out what and blackmail him with it. Whoops! Nolan got to Wilson first, and told him to expect a call from House and that the best thing he could do to help House was to do nothing at all. So if you check yourself into a mental hospital, they make phone calls home to your friends? That sucks. House was obviously not expecting this. "I am so sorry. I wish I could help you," Wilson says, then hangs up before House can convince him otherwise.
House returns to his room and tells Alvie that he is now his only friend. "And I hate you," he says. He decides it's time to start cooperating. Or at least, to pretend to. Alvie laughs because he thinks it's awesome to be House's friend. Yeah. Look forward to the love of your life dying in a tragic bus-and-flu-medicine accident on top of a thousand other House-created tragedies.
Music montage of cooperation! House participates in group. He gets to Level 1 and is allowed cigarettes. House plays basketball without making Paranoia take his clothes off and goes to Level 2. He gets a keycard that allows him on the grounds beyond the yard. It's very cold outside even though I think it's supposed to kind of be summer right now? House gets to Level 3. Meanwhile, looking at all the other names on the board, I'd really like to know how someone who's been there since last November is only on Level 2 when Hal, who arrived just 12 days before House, is already on Level 5. And some guy who's been there since October is only a Level 3! And House beat the crap out of his roommate! They must really be horrible. House plays a card game against his fellow patients for cigarettes, and the large girl with the glasses and almost no lines makes herself handy by allowing House to see the reflection of his card in her glasses. Way to take advantage of people who are not able to make entirely logical connections in their minds, House. Very impressive. Shouldn't you be hallucinating or something? Anyway, the nurse calls him to the window for his meds, which he happily pretends to take.
Sometime later, he follows the sound of a piano to Lydia, playing in the corner. He says he's been humming to Catatonic Gabby and noticed her swaying, although we haven't seen him doing any of that, so who knows if it's true. Probably not. But Lydia appears to be charmed by it, although she claims that she's still a little miffed at him for telling her that playing for Gabby is a waste of time. She also says that he said that "weeks" ago, so there's a bit of timeline info for us. Lydia says that before Gabby went catatonic, she played cello in the Philadelphia Philharmonic. House wonders if Gabby will respond if Lydia plays the cello for her. Lydia considers it, and says she just might bring a cello in and try it next time. Since Lydia will clearly take advice from anyone, here's my advice for her: don't take advice from a mental patient. He's there for a reason.
Next thing you know, House is chatting with Dr. Medina, because apparently Beasley finally decided to take a vacation and stop hanging around her patients 24/7. Medina says he's just "checking in" with House to see how his medication is working and if there have been any side effects. House can confidently and honestly say no. Medina says that's unusual, as is the fact that House and Alvie's stories about what went down during their fight aren't adding up. It's about time someone followed up on that. Now can someone please follow up on the hallucinations that brought House to Mayfield in the first place? House doesn't have to be a genius doctor to realize that Medina doesn't trust him, not about the fight with Alvie or taking his meds. "Are you?" Medina asks. "Yes," House says, being sure to look Medina right in the eye because he's seen enough episodes of Lie To Me* (*He sees the truth. It's written all over our faces) . He says he's willing to take a urine test to prove it. Whoops! Medina calls his bluff. Is there really a urine test that can detect the presence of anti-depressants? And would House's insurance really cover it if there was? I guess if they're covering a long mental hospital stay for someone with no symptoms of mental illness, they'll cover anything.
He leads House to a bathroom, hands him a cup, and stupidly allows House the privacy of a stall. And what do you know? Hal is sitting on top of the toilet waiting for House, his bladder full and ready to go. He asks House to look away while he pees into the cup. House does him one better and sings as he fake pees. And even with the loud singing, I can hear someone peeing, which is a first for this show. Season 6 is a new frontier, people! Hal finishes up and gives House a cup of pee. House exits the stall, being careful not to open the door too wide as Hal goes back to his hiding spot crouching on top of the toilet, and gives Medina the pee.
Next thing you know, House is a Level 4. The guys are playing cards for cigarettes again when Medina stops by to give House a special apology for doubting him. House accepts it graciously and goes back to his game, until Medina asks Freedom Master (is it really helping the crazy people to indulge their delusions? At least Beasley calls Freedom Master by his real name. Medina sucks at this) to give him a hand and move the piano, which weighs five hundred pounds. Stupid Medina! Freedom Master might have super-strength, but that doesn't make him a qualified piano mover! You have to hire specially trained people for that kind of thing. It appears that Medina isn't indulging Freedom Master after all, but exposing him as a fake to the entire room and Freedom Master himself. That's just mean. And probably not helpful to Freedom Master. It's not like he's going to suddenly realize that he can't lift a piano and thus must not be a superhero and be all better. Come on. Freedom Master tries to get out of it, saying he doesn't use his powers for "frivolous" matters, because on a subconscious level at least he knows he can't do it. House speaks up, asking Medina why he's doing this. "It's none of your business," Alvie says warningly and sounding kind of normal for once. Medina says he's trying to help Freedom Master deal with his "serious and dangerous delusion." He's also open to the possibility that Freedom Master actually is a superhero and thus should not be in a mental hospital. Good point. House accuses Medina of trying to "break" Freedom Master. While they're arguing, Freedom Master spots Catatonic Gabby standing around staring at something and rushes off to "save" her by rescuing her voicebox from the nurses behind the window who stole it. "Your wife is dead," Medina says. Okay, so it appears that Freedom Master's wife died when some "evil" people killed a lot "good" people because, as so often happens in the real world, there was no superhero there to save the good and defeat the evil at the last second, and Freedom Master, unable to make sense out of it any other way, has decided that he's a superhero. Freedom Master desperately tries to break into the nurse's station to retrieve Gabby's voicebox. Medina calls for the orderlies to drag Freedom Master away as he walks away from the whole mess himself. I'm pretty sure that that could been handled better.
Down the in yard, Alvie suspects that House is doing way too much thinking, which means trouble for everyone. He urges House to distance himself from his hatred of Medina and what he did to Freedom Master. House says that in his effort to "pretend" to cooperate with the mental hospital staff, he sat back and let Medina do what he did to Freedom Master. Basically, pretending to cooperate had the same effect as actually cooperating. Alvie tells him to forget about this because in a few days, he'll be released and able to go back to his job and his life. With that, they're called inside to watch the "closing ceremonies" as one of their wardmates is released.
The stores don't sell party napkins that say Happy Mental Hospital Release Day! on them, so they have to make do with Happy Birthday napkins instead and call this a "re-birthday." And just who gets to go home today? Suicide Susan! The patients and the staff applaud and say, in unison, that they never want to see her again. Way to make her feel like a failure if she does, in fact, have to come back there. Mayfield is the worst. While they're cutting the cake, House looks around for Freedom Master, but he is not present. "He isn't able to take part," Medina says. This simply will not do for House, who believes that everyone has a right to cake.
House enters Freedom Master's room to find him on the bed, non-responsive. "Leave him alone," Medina says, coming up behind him. House asks if Medina drugged him. Medina says no, and House notes that Freedom Master is "practically catatonic." "He's fine," Medina says, sounding somewhat worried. Alvie appears in the doorway and encourages House to return to the common room for delicious cake and not get himself in trouble. The rest of the patients start to gather in the hall as House snaps at Medina that he took a functioning yet delusional adult and turned him into another Gabby. "Dr. House, let's talk," Nolan says, suddenly appearing in the doorway.
House is still angry when he gets to Nolan's office, saying that Medina screwed Freedom Master up and he's allowed to be angry about it. He's also angry about the fact that he's two levels above Susan and they have the same depression scale score but she gets to go home and he doesn't. Maybe because she tried to commit suicide and you couldn't tell fantasy from reality? These are very different cases, I'd think. House snaps that he's perfectly capable of dealing with his "deeper issues" on an outpatient basis. Yeah, but he won't, even though he tries to bargain with Nolan for three hours of therapy a week in exchange for his freedom. "No," Nolan simply says. Frustrated, House tries to prove to Nolan just how well he's been coping with his problems by showing him that he hasn't been taking his meds and look how well he's doing. That was stupid, House. But he says that the fact that he was able to fool everyone into thinking he was taking his meds shows how high-functioning he is. Great. He was also functioning well enough to diagnose patients while having hallucinations, although we are apparently not going to talk about that anymore. Because it doesn't make any sense that House would know last season that his problems extended beyond the Vicodin and admit that he needed help and admit himself to Mayfield but then decide now that he's totally fine.
Nolan is quite pleased to reveal to House that the meds he's been pretending to take aren't meds at all, but capsules filled with sugar. They've known for some time that House was faking improvement since his test results showed improvement on a too-fast and too-regular basis. Nolan switched House to a placebo and he continued to improve, thus showing Nolan that he was faking it. But just to make absolutely sure, they tested House's urine and found the presence of drugs that they already knew House didn't have in his system. Ha! I kind of like it when things don't work out perfectly for House and he doesn't know better than everyone. Did he really think that he knew mental health better than the mental health professionals? "Let me do my job," Nolan says.
House returns to his room. Alvie is waiting for him, anxious to hear what House's newest plan is. House says there isn't one. He's out of plans and he's going to bed. Even though it's light outside and he's wearing jeans, which are not comfortable to sleep in.
It's a new day, and House looks out the window, waiting for Lydia to arrive. She pulls up with a cello case hanging out of her VW Beetle convertible (yes, they gave the German a VW Beetle). House smiles. Lydia de-elevators sans cello, and House is waiting for her, which I can't tell if Lydia finds creepy or charming. House offers to help Lydia carry the heavy cello up to the common room, but she points out that that might not be easy for him since he's kind of handicapped and stuff. House says it's typical of a German to be quick to cast the "useless cripple" aside. Yes, well, just be glad you aren't Jewish, House. He volunteers Freedom Master for the job, saying that it might help him out of his depression to feel useful and capable again. And how does Freedom Master have grounds privileges, exactly?
I guess he does, because the next thing we know, House and Lydia are hanging out on the curb while Freedom Master struggles to get the cello out of the car, which is totally parking in front of a bus stop. I hope Lydia gets a parking ticket for that. House asks Lydia why she visits her sister-in-law five times a week, which is pretty excessive for a blood relative, let alone an in-law. Lydia says she's compassionate. House isn't buying it. He then makes sure to congratulate Freedom Master on his "superhuman feat" of lifting the cello out of the car. If this cello is so heavy, how did Lydia get it in the car in the first place? Freedom Master is encouraged to take a break, and House notes that the accomplishment hasn't appeared to have lifted his spirits. He asks for Lydia's car keys, saying he has a way to make Freedom Master "feel like he's flying." I'm not sure if indulging the guy's former delusions is a good idea. Nor is giving your car keys to a mental patient, no matter how charming. But she totally falls for it. House, Lydia, and Freedom Master drive off and leave the cello behind. I hope the bus runs it over. Also, way to supervise your patients, Mayfield.
They drive. House asks Lydia why she's so "nice" to him. I want to know why she's letting House drive her car when she is perfectly capable of driving it herself. She says she thinks House has a "good heart." Lydia is either a poor judge of character, or she's only watched the first two seasons of this show. House says he lied to her - he's kidnapping Freedom Master and stealing her car. Lydia just smiles. Yes, being abducted by a crazy person sure is fun! Suddenly, the car stops and Lydia gets out. House asks if she's sure she wants to leave, since he really thought they could have a Bonnie and Clyde thing. Lydia reminds him that things didn't really end well for Bonnie or Clyde. "See ya," House says, driving away. Lydia just smiles. I wonder if she'd still be smiling if she knew that her car insurance doesn't cover accidents that happen as a result of letting a mental hospital patient steal your car.
House roars down the open road with Freedom Master in tow. He feels so cool that he just has to put sunglasses on, even though the only pair available belong to Lydia and are decidedly female. But House and Freedom Master aren't just escaping - House is taking Freedom Master on a field trip to the amusement park that he somehow knew was in town despite having no contact with the outside world for weeks or even months. And somehow has the money to pay for admission to and at least one ride. I guess Lydia had some money in her car. They get on one of those rides that uses an extremely powerful fan to push you into the air, like you're flying. It must be a really powerful fan, actually, because it lifts them like three stories off the ground. That can't be safe. Especially when it's two feet away from the Ferris Wheel. But it puts a smile on Freedom Master's face. And House's, aw. By the time they leave the park, House has won a stuffed giraffe and Freedom Master is back to his old delusional self. This seems like a good thing to House until Freedom Master steps on the ledge of the parking garage and looks pretty intent on leaping off of it. Then things suddenly get very, very bad. House tells Freedom Master to step down, since no one is calling for help that he needs to fly to right now. Oh, you thought crazy people were able to reason things like that out, House? Not so much. "Thank you, Greg," Freedom Master says. "NO!" House yells. Too late - Freedom Master is about to find out that he can't fly after all. Fortunately, they're only on the second floor of the garage. Unfortunately, Freedom Master did a belly-flop.
Next time we see House, he's clutching Freedom Master's bloody jacket with a haunted look on his face. "He's lucky to be alive," Nolan says. Even so, he suffered broken bones and internal injuries. And Nolan is pissed. He says House is so intent on finding the truth except for this time when he thought it would be a good idea to let Freedom Master believe a lie. Nolan knows why - he did it to get back at Nolan. Not to help Freedom Master, and not to help himself. Nolan says he's done with House and transferring him to a different hospital, where he can go ahead and manipulate the apparently inferior staff to his heart's content. He should transfer him to the PPTH psych ward. That place sucks. At everything, including diagnostic medicine now that their only good doctor is gone. "Don't," House says. Nolan wasn't expecting this. "I need help," House says. He seems sincere, but ... didn't he already come to this conclusion? Isn't that what put him in the hospital in the first place?
House reports to Nolan's office for his first real therapy session. But he doesn't know how or where to start. He says "a billion" things have happened to him in his life (most of them in the past five years ... ) and he doesn't know how he's supposed to know which ones contributed to the way he is now. Nolan says the only way to do that is to talk about all of them. House says that's going to take a long time. Yes. It is. Sigh. Remember when this show was about medical mysteries? And had other cast members? "I want to get better. Whatever the hell that means," House says; "I'm sick of being miserable." So the misery is what drove him to the mental hospital? I thought it was the hallucinations. Or have we just decided that those were from the Vicodin and everything is okay now? Even though Nolan said earlier that that wasn't the case? Nolan asks House if he wants to happy, and House is forced to admit that he does. Nolan says that's a good start. He hands House some anti-depressants, much to House's disgust. Nolan says House obviously doesn't have a problem taking drugs in general, and just like he took Vicodin to make his leg pain go away, he should take anti-depressants to make his mental pain go away. Dude, I think hallucinations of dead people that you interact with and one of your boss that you have sex with needs more than an anti-depressant. Well, in real life it does. Not on TV shows, though! Even the worst mental illness can simply be lightly medicated and reasoned away! "I don't want to change who I am," House says, pointing out that if Van Gogh took anti-depressants then he'd be painting houses instead of "Starry Night." Yeah, well, maybe Hitler would have been painting houses instead of killing millions of people. And maybe Van Gogh would have preferred to be a happy house painter than an artist who died penniless by his own hand. But Nolan doesn't make either of those points, just says that Van Gogh would have painted the same things, but with two intact ears and not from the room of an asylum. Nolan says that if House wants his help, then he has to trust him, even though that doesn't come naturally to him. House takes the pills.
We see a row of pill cups with a patient's picture and information in front of each one. Okay - how, exactly, is one guy in room 817 C, Hal in room 1225, and House in room 3124? That makes no sense. Also, Alvie told us that Hal's name is not actually Hal, but that's just what everyone calls him. And yet, it's written there on his medicine cup. Booo, prop department! House lines up to take his meds and, much to Alvie's surprise, swallows them. Alvie says they don't take meds. " You don't take meds, Alvie. I decided to get sane," House says. Aw, poor Alvie's heart breaks. House was the vice-president of his Take No Pills club. Now Alvie has to be the President, Vice-President, Secretary, and Treasurer. "They broke you!" he says. House says he was already broken. "Stop worshipping me and go worry about your own loser life," he says. "I hate you," Alvie replies. It's so sad when roommates fight.
Nolan stops by House's room with a suit and an "assignment." First, he asks House if he's connected with any of his fellow patients in the four weeks he's been in Ward 6. House says the girl with the glasses thinks Gabby hates her and Paranoia is faking some of his paranoia because he wants the doctors to think he's worse than he is for some reason. Maybe it's because the hot blonde doctor gives him special attention. And Alvie hates House. Nolan points out that only one of those facts had to do with another patient's opinion of House himself, because apparently it's a good thing to walk around thinking about what other people think about you all the time. House says he's sure the other patients think he's a jerk. Nolan says that House can actually try to have a relationship with them, and not like his previous relationships, all of which were "screwed up." Oh really? What about Stacy? That seemed to go okay for a while. I hated watching it, but still. Nolan says the assignment is for House to try to trust people.
So Nolan brought his patient to a fundraising dinner party for Mayfield. Yeah, that's a good idea. "Give us $50 and you'll get a tote bag. Give us $100 and we'll make you hang out with one of our patients who is an asshole." He tells House to go ahead and "open up" to any of the strangers before him. "I find 'hello' to be an excellent ice-breaker," Nolan says. Seriously? House is in the mental hospital to learn how to make friends? Come ON. We've seen him connect with people lots of times. It's been pretty well established that he can do that -- he just doesn't want to. House sidles up next to some guy in front of the deviled eggs. They say hello and then House insta-diagnoses the guy with being a wealthy donor to Mayfield who has had some kind of issues that needed its help in the past. Who hasn't? Seems to me like Mayfield treats just about everything. Don't like people? Mental hospital! Depressed? Mental hospital! Kinda stressed? Mental hospital! Having conversations with dead people no one else can see? Eh, let's sweep that one under the rug because the series can't really continue if the main character is as insane as we wrote him to be over the course of several episodes at the end of last season. House tries to talk about himself, saying he takes advantage of his friends. He then changes that to friend, remembering that he only has one, and even then only sometimes. "It can be tough sometimes," the guy says kindly. Uh oh! This is turning into a real conversation with bonding moments and everything! House quickly puts his guard up and says he isn't gay. The guy says he isn't, either. House then says he is gay, and Nolan is both his lover and his psychiatrist. The guy just nods and leaves. That'll teach him to donate money to Mayfield.
Lydia walks up, as apparently she's at Mayfield so often that they just invite her to all of their events. House invites her to come along with him as he lies to some more donors who just tried to do the right thing and are now paying dearly for it. Hey, isn't Lydia mad at him for stealing her car? Or using it to drive a mental patient to an amusement park where he almost killed himself? Does she feel bad about her own role in that? Apparently not, because her smirk has only gotten bigger. House sits down at a table and tells the one woman there that he's a philanderer. Then he gets all awkward and quietly tells her to say she was just asking him if there were nuts in an hors d'oeuvre as Lydia approaches, pretending to be House's wife. House's fake wife is well aware of his fake philanderer problem, and angrily asks the woman what House just said to her. She dutifully reports that she was asking him about nuts in the hors d'oeuvre. What a bitch! Don't take the cheating husband's side over the innocent and wronged wife! Where is the sisterhood? The solidarity? The fun of watching an unhappy couple erupt into a HUGE fight because you told the wife the truth? Lydia demands to check the woman's purse for an epi-pen, saying that if she's allergic to nuts then surely she carries one around with her everywhere. Busted, the woman thinks quickly and says she was actually hitting on House. That woman has self-esteem problems. She should check herself into Mayfield.
Later on, Nolan asks House if he's enjoying himself. House says he connected with one guy, but then he screwed it up like usual because he couldn't resist "having fun." How is telling some guy that you're gay and Nolan is your lover fun, though? Nolan says the night was actually a success, since House learned that he can, in fact, trust people. How? Well, he told people that he was a womanizer and a porn producer and sleeping with Nolan, and no one ratted him out. Well, apparently they did if Nolan knows about it. He asks House why he thinks people would treat him worse if they knew "the truth." I don't care! What about the hallucinations? Anyway, Lydia walks up and hands House what appears to be a glass of wine (yes, they get wine in this mental hospital) and Nolan walks away. She's ready for more "fun" with the donors, but House says he'd rather talk to her. First, he wants to know why she isn't mad at him for stealing her car. "It was a nice thing to do," she says. Um ... really? Because I think Nolan made a good point there when he said that House's true motive for taking Freedom Master out was to get revenge on the doctors, not to be nice to Freedom Master. Looking especially guilty, House says he isn't sure how "ruining Freedom Master's life" is nice. Lydia says it might have been "misguided" and "irresponsible," but it was nice, too. I guess that's how she sleeps at night: "yes, I willingly lent my car to a sick man so he could convince an even sicker man that he could fly, but that was nice of me. I'm awesome." "You gave him a moment of pure happiness," she says. Yeah, followed by months of pain and suffering! Not worth it. Also, why is Lydia calling Catatonic Gabby "Annie?" Is her name Gabby or Annie? Alvie lied to me, but it's way too late to go back in this recap and change the name now. Lydia says that Gabby was her best friend before she started "pulling away" until she became how she is today. No one knows why it happened, and Lydia thinks she only married Gabby's brother because of their shared connection to Gabby. Gabby's brother doesn't visit anymore, but Lydia can't give up on Gabby. I think the more you love someone, the harder it would be to see her like that. This is all a big downer, so Lydia decides to go home. "Good night," House says. For that, he gets a kiss from the married woman.
House returns to his room. Alvie's already in bed, but not asleep. He asks House what happened, then says he doesn't care when House reminds him that he's supposed to be mad at him. But Alvie's curiosity soon gets the better of him, and he asks if House had fun. "Yeah," House says.
And the next day, he tells Nolan about how he and Lydia kissed. "Kisses are good things," House admits. Not when they're with married women. House senses judgmental vibes from Nolan, who admits that House's situation is "complicated," both because Lydia is married and House is IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL. Seriously, what was Lydia thinking? Why isn't she a patient at Mayfield at this point? House decides to change the subject to Nolan and the mystery woman he met in the parking lot, but Nolan won't take the bait. House says he just wants to know something about his doctor's personal life, since there don't seem to be any hints of one judging by Nolan's office décor and the one phone number on his speed dial that goes to his father. Does House really think it's unusual for a doctor in a mental institution to refrain from giving any hints about his personal life to his patients? Why are we acting like Nolan is just some regular old outpatient psychiatrist and not working somewhere full of people who are there because they're a danger to themselves or others? Nolan keeps trying to change the subject back to House and Lydia, while House tries to get more information about his doctor, who he believes has no personal life or friends or decent career because he's made some serious mistakes in his past. Uh, no, House - that would be you. Finally, Nolan gets an answer from House as to how he thinks his relationship with Lydia will end: "I don't know." I do! Lydia is played by Franka Potente, so it's pretty safe to say we won't be seeing her after this episode. Thus, there will be heartbreak.
The next visiting hours session (not like Lydia really needs visiting hours to tell her when she can and cannot hang out at Mayfield), House is waiting for Lydia at the piano bench. The piano is open and unlocked, so I guess being a Level 4 does come with some privileges. Way to not even say hi to Gabby, Lydia. Maybe the reason why she stopped talking is because she got sick of her best friend abandoning her as soon as she saw a cute boy. "Why did you kiss me?" House asks. "I like you. It felt like a nice way of showing you that," Lydia says. Lydia sure does love the word "nice." Learn some new adjectives, lady. House decides to accept her answer and turns to play the piano while shooting Lydia a few lingering looks. Oh, but then Freedom Master is wheeled into the common room, still looking pretty banged up from his fall with casts on his left arm and leg. And he's near-catatonic again. This makes House feel bad.
So he goes to see Nolan about it. Nolan asks him why he seems to value his failures more than his successes. How is Lydia a success, exactly? House tries to joke about masturbating to pictures of his grandma, but Nolan asks him to stop deflecting, especially when it plants such unpleasant mental images in his head. House says that success is temporary and failure is apparently permanent. Nolan says that doesn't have to be the case - you can move past your failures by apologizing to the people you failed. That's kind of crappy advice. Especially since if you're a doctor, you might not be able to apologize to the person you failed. Because he's dead. And sometimes you do things that no apology will be enough for. Like when House told Cuddy that she would be a terrible mother. Anyway, House doesn't put any stock in apologies, saying it's not "fair" that you can say two words to someone and that's supposed to make up for the pain you caused. Nolan asks if House thinks that the world is supposed to be a fair and you must endure an equal amount of pain as the person whose pain you caused. That's impossible, so House will just have to apologize to Freedom Master and allow himself to feel better and move on. Kind of like how Nolan seems to have no problem feeling better about the fact that his hospital's lax security allowed two patients to escape from their grounds and enter a dangerous situation so easily. House sits there and thinks about this like it never occurred to him before. I don't think that's the case. I think it's more like House thinks he's so awesome that he shouldn't fail at all, ever, and doesn't know how to handle it when he inevitably does.
So he heads right for Freedom Master in the common room. But once he gets a good look at the guy, his resolve to apologize seems to weaken. Beasley runs up and calls group time before he can build it back up again. She opens group with an announcement: in two weeks they are going to have a Talent Show! Seriously? SERIOUSLY? What a terrible idea. If these people were capable of participating in a talent show then they'd probably be able to live in the outside world. Paranoia shoots the idea down immediately, but Beasley persists, suggesting that Alvie do "one of [his] songs." Alvie takes offense to this, saying that he raps, not sings. And he doesn't even rap, really. Two or three verses is not a rap. Beasley tells him to get writing on a rap, but he says he's all about the freestyle. Glasses girl says she has no talent. Beasley asks Freedom Master for a second opinion on that. " ... " says Freedom Master. Yeah, what a great idea this talent show was. House asks Beasley why she's even bothering to ask Freedom Master a question they know he won't answer. Beasley says he might, sooner or later, because "things pass." Has Beasley been a psychiatrist for just ten minutes or something? Mental illness doesn't "pass." Not the really severe kind that makes someone think he's a superhero who can fly or causes a guy to hallucinate an affair with his boss that we're all supposed to forget about. House says you can't just talk and hope things get better -- you have to make it happen. He decides to make it happen right now, as he follows both Freedom Master and Gabby's line of sight to a spot in the nurse's station. He thinks Freedom Master had a point about Gabby's stolen voicebox after all, as he sees that they're both looking at a music box. Beasley calls for an orderly, but House promises her that he isn't having a psychotic break. Which makes sense, seeing as he isn't psychotic. He was in Season 5, but not anymore! Beasley accepts earnest promises from her patients because she is terrible at this.
The orderly grabs the music box and hands it to House, who gives it to Freedom Master so he can cure Gabby and thus cure himself. But Freedom Master is non-responsive, much to House's annoyance. "There's nothing wrong with you. You're healing. All the parts work. Just speak!" he says. Except that there is something wrong with him and all the parts don't work. That's why he's IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL. I know that might be hard for House to understand since he is also in a mental hospital and clearly nothing is actually wrong with him aside from some anti-social behavior and possible depression, but still. Nolan steps in and tells everyone to take a break from group therapy. Well, they made it to minute five this time. That has to be a record. Nolan tells House that trying to "fix" Freedom Master isn't the same as moving on. But I'll bet Freedom Master would much rather be fixed than simply apologized to.
After the break, Lydia arrives with a piano piece by Dvořák that requires two people to play. House wants to know what "this" is first. That's reasonable enough. "It's sheet music," Lydia says. Ugh. House just stares at her, so she says they're just having fun as if there's nothing wrong with that. And there isn't, except that one of them has some mental issues he really needs to work on before he can embark on a relationship and the other is married. House says that no matter what happens, someone will end up getting hurt. "The end sucks. That doesn't mean the beginning has to," Lydia shrugs, like a truly selfish person. She encourages House to live in the moment and enjoy things as they happen without worrying about what could happen later. House is still hesitant. "I was happy five minutes ago, and now I'm not. How is that better?" Lydia asks. Um, because you have a husband? And you haven't even said hi to the best friend you're supposedly so devoted to in weeks now? There are more important things to worry about than your own personal happiness sometimes. "Good-bye Lydia," House says.
Today in group, we'll be talking about electroconvulsive therapy and whether or not glasses girl should get it. House does not bring up the time that his fellows gave it to a patient and erased his memories unnecessarily , which is nice of him. Alvie does his impression of someone during the ECT process while House finally speaks up to tell glasses girl to get ECT or shut up because he's apparently sick of hearing about it. I don't think glasses girl should get ECT because there doesn't seem to be anyth