Don't Ever Change
Updated 2008-04-18 19:19:56
We open at a traditional Hasidic Jewish wedding. Sarah Silverman's sister has just gotten married, and it's time to celebrate! Mazeltovs and klezmer music fill the air as two women rush up to congratulate the bride. One Mrs. Silver says Yonatan is a good man from a good family. The bride, Roz, tells her, "I know you chose well for me," and she looks like she means it, so good for her, I guess. I'd rather choose my own husband, but I come from a different background. As far as other people's beliefs go, if they're not hurting anyone else, it's cool. Roz is rushed off to dance with all the ladies while, on the other side of a partition, the men dance together. Both the bride and the groom are lifted up on chairs so they can see each other over the divider and clutch either end of a white cloth. Everyone is happy, which means it's all about to go wrong. Sure enough, Roz looks down to see blood coming from somewhere on her body, and the music goes all scary and she passes out. Don't worry, Yonatan -- I'm sure your bride will soon be safely in the hands of a doctor who respects your religious ideals.
Wilson walks into work, where he finds someone waiting for him. A cane presses the "up" button on the elevator while its owner warns Wilson against "cross-species mating." Wilson says he and "Amber" are doing just fine and he likes being with a "strong, assertive woman." House follows Wilson into the elevator, where House bets Wilson a hundred dollars that he and Amber won't last two months. "We're at four months," Wilson says. House can't believe that Wilson managed to hide the relationship from him for that long. Frankly, I can't either. That's amazing. Go Wilson! House says Wilson likes needy women. Amber isn't needy; she's scary. Wilson says he's just fine with breaking his pattern, seeing as how it's only led to divorce and heartbreak. He welcomes House to interrogate CTB about it, since he knows there's no way to convince him otherwise and CTB can hold her own again House. Plus, I have a feeling she's been sitting at home waiting for this showdown for the past four months. If I were House, I'd watch out.
House heads into his office, where 13 will be named Gertrude this week. Gertrude gives House the rundown of their latest case: thirty-eight-year-old woman with incontinence, bloody urine, and a broken leg thanks to falling off a chair at her wedding. I wonder if the family sent the video into America's Funniest Home Videos . They should; those shows eat that kind of stuff up. House quickly diagnoses Roz with a urinary tract infection and informs the crew that Wilson and CTB are dating. They are shocked -- Taub seems a little disappointed as well -- although Kumar isn't as surprised as the rest, since he actually asked CTB out a month ago and she told him she was seeing someone. Kumar says CTB might be scary, but she also has "legs that go all the way up to Canada." Yeah, that's because she's fifteen feet tall. The Cottages throw out a few diagnoses until House decides that Roz must have poisoned herself to commit suicide. On her wedding day. He figures if she was getting married late in life, she's probably undesirable and marrying a guy who is the same. Clearly, she had nothing to live for. Gertrude would rather go with endometriosis. House tells her to check Roz for that while Taub and Foreman break into her house and look for poison and suicide notes.
While Foreman and Taub look through Roz's possessions, Taub voices his unsolicted opinion on Hasidic Jews: he doesn't like them and thinks they are "out of touch with reality." It's crazy to marry someone after only meeting them three times. Yes, Taub, I'm sure it's much better to marry someone after having known her for a while and then cheating on her at the cost of your profession. Foreman plays devil's advocate, saying they already know they have values in common, so what's the point of going through the motions of romance, a.k.a. "emotional foreplay?" Foreman might want to check himself before he dies alone. Meanwhile, both Taub and Foreman are finding evidence that Roz may not be as devout as she appears to be: Taub holds up something crotchless, and Foreman discovers a bunch of gold records with Roz listed as the musicians' producer. Taub puts the crotchless underwear (sex) and gold records (rock and roll) together to come up with drugs.
Gertrude and Kumar ask Roz about her past indiscretions. She says she only converted to Orthodox Judaism six months ago; before that, she was a record producer addicted to heroin. And, she says, her husband, who is currently pacing outside the room, knows about it. Well, some of it. He didn't press her for details. Kumar asks Roz what made her completely change her way of life. "I took a class. Then I took another class," Roz shrugs. Ah, that's how they getcha! With classes! Now Roz believes that pop music, television, and movies are too trivial to be heard or viewed. "You can never watch Star Wars again," a horrified Kumar realizes. Gertrude asks Roz for a sample of her hair to test for damage from her drug use. Surprise, surprise -- heroin is bad for you.
CTB heads home to her rather dull, personality-less apartment. I'm disappointed. I was hoping for some hellfire at the very least. There she finds House, who got in using a key he stole from Wilson. You know he went through her underwear, too. Creep. House accuses CTB of dating Wilson to get House to hire her. I'll bet it's never even occurred to House that CTB might be dating Wilson because she likes him. CTB removes her coat to reveal that she's wearing Wilson's McGill sweatshirt and damn proud of it. Ha! Wilson never let House wear his McGill sweatshirt. House comes up with another theory: he thinks CTB is waiting for House to realize he made a mistake in not hiring her and is dating Wilson to ensure that she'll be around to rub House's face in it when he does. "I can't wait. It's gonna be awesome," CTB deadpans. House comes up with yet a third theory, and he's starting to look desperate: CTB is just dating Wilson to toy with him and therefore with House. "Your goal is just pure feral vengeance!" House declares. Undaunted, CTB steps closer to House, who shows just a little bit of fear. "Which is it, House? Am I in this for you? Or am I in this for him?" she asks. "Give him back his sweatshirt," House growls. "Pit stains don't become you." With that lame insult, he limps off. Sorry, House, but I think CTB might have won that round.
Back at PPTH, House de-elevators to find Taub and Kumar, who tell him the tests for drug damage and endometriosis came back negative. What they do have, House says, is a new symptom. Or rather, an old one: Roz's complete change in behavior six months ago. While Taub agrees that converting to Hasidism is a sign of madness, "we can't just give her ten CCs of atheism and send her home." Pity -- a lot of the world's problems could be solved that way. House says Roz's "altered mental status" is a sign of porphyria, which I hate when this show has as a diagnosis, because I never spell it right. ["Hey, who's going to notice? Me?" -- Miss Alli ] Kumar disagrees with the altered mental status diagnosis, saying Roz simply "didn't like her life. So she changed it." "People don't change," House says. Kumar points to Taub as proof that they can, saying he gave up a lucrative career as a plastic surgeon to work for House for peanuts. House has an answer for that, though: "He switched jobs to save his marriage. He did it to avoid change." "He's right," Taub admits; "you don't suddenly choose crazy without being crazy." Wow, Hasidic Jews are to Taub what fat people are to Chase and homeless people are to Foreman. I think a few lessons are going to have to be learned here before the hour is up! House tells them to give Roz hemotin and a "phlebotomy," the latter a fancy way of saying to draw some blood.
Kumar goes over the treatment with Roz. Yonatan is there and wonders how a hair test for drug toxins could show that Roz has a rare genetic disease. Kumar explains that the porphyria is a guess and they're treating her to confirm it. "You're treating it before you confirm it?" Yonatan asks. I guess House , like the rest of television, is considered too trivial for Hasidic Jews to watch. Otherwise, Yonatan would know that House throws medicine at his patients in hopes that something will work. Nothing ever does. Kumar says they don't want to wait twenty-four hours for the lab results to come back. Yonatan wants to know what made them suspect porphyria. This puts Kumar in a difficult position. He says House has a theory. "A theory based on what?" Roz asks.
I guess Kumar couldn't think quickly on his feet, as we cut to Yonatan ordering Cuddy to assign them a different doctor. He says he'd rather have PPTH's second-best doctor than one who thinks being religious is a symptom of mental illness. House is unconcerned about Yonatan's complaints, simply asking Cuddy if she knew about Wilson and CTB. Cuddy ignores him. House tells Yonatan that if he can follow all six hundred and thirteen commandments (damn, Jews have it six hundred and three times harder than Christians), not understanding them all but trusting that they were issued by someone who knows better, he can certainly follow House's advice. For "in this temple, I am Doctor Yahweh," House says, insulting Yonatan all the more by speaking God's name. "I want a new doctor," Yonatan says, and he leaves. Cuddy orders House to treat Roz for cryoglubulinemia, one of Taub's earlier suggestions than House threw out since it didn't explain Roz's altered mental state, which he's still holding onto as a symptom. "People don't change," House repeats. Cuddy is sure they can, and tells House that changing your life because you're unhappy is a sign of mental health, not the opposite. She's about to insult House when his beeper goes off.
The two head for Roz's room, where they find her gasping for breath. Cuddy puts on a stethoscope and says this rules out cryoglubulinemia. House tells Yonatan to try asking God what's wrong with Roz. One of these days, God's going to answer and House is going to feel really silly.
The next day, Roz's oxygen saturation is back to normal after a night with an oxygen mask. In addition, Kumar supplies, CTB dropped Wilson off at PPTH this morning. "The male always drives the female," House mutters, so jealous. So very, very jealous. All business, Gertrude says Roz's lung problems rule out porphyria as well as the cryoidon'twanttospellitoutagain. Taub wants more gossip and asks Kumar if Wilson kissed CTB or vice-versa. Kumar says he was too busy checking out the lab tech with a tongue stud. I guess the lab techs have plenty of time to get piercings, since the doctors are always doing their jobs for them.
Foreman throws out Wegener's as a diagnosis, but House says it doesn't explain the altered mental status symptom. Gertrude says they were trying to ignore it. House says he wrote it in black, making it un-ignorable. Roz's mental status is altered and that's final. House might have an altered mental status of his own, as he suggests lupus as a diagnosis. What a silly goose. Gertude interrupts him to say that maybe Roz never changed. "Are you agreeing with me or are you making a point?" House asks. "I'm making a point," Gertrude says. "It's gonna take longer," House says, grabbing his cane so he can do some room-pacing while he waits for the hot air to stop issuing forth from Gertrude's mouth. Gertrude says the Hasidic Jew Roz might be the real Roz, and the druggie rock producer one was the fraud. As expected, House ignores her and says if it's lupus (which it isn't), Roz has a hidden heart problem. So all they have to do to prove it is run Roz through a stress test and see if she has a heart attack. Taub doesn't want to do that, to which House says if they think he's so wrong about the lupus then there's nothing to be afraid of. How about the fact that she might pee blood all over the floor? That would be unpleasant. To save face, Taub says they'll do the stress test, being sure to keep a crash cart around just in case House is right.
Knowing that Kumar + crash cart = DISASTER, House retreats to the safe distance of Unexpected Couples Caf&ecute;, where he's shocked -- SHOCKED! -- to see Wilson and CTB there waiting for their table. The camera pans to show Wilson and CTB looking annoyed, if not surprised. Wilson sighs that his assistant (he had one???) must have told House where they were, for which the assistant shall be fired. Gone before he ever existed. How sad. Hey remember that one episode where Cuddy had an assistant? "Hi, Greg," CTB says. House responds with a withering smile. "And I call you Greg because we are now social equals," CTB continues, enjoying every minute of this. House reassures her that he will continue to call her Cutthroat Bitch. CTB invites House to join them for dinner and make his stalking easier. Wilson mutters that they'd have to get seated first, and CTB immediately takes control and goes off to demand seats for her and the wife. "She tends to treat every event like it's the last copter out of Saigon," Wilson groans while House helps himself to CTB's drink. CTB might want to order herself something new; House is not above drugging people's drinks. "She's the anti-Wilson. She's a force for evil," House declares. Or maybe she just takes two steps forward while Wilson takes two steps back. They come together cause opposites attract. Wilson says CTB's few annoying qualities don't matter to him. "If I was perfect, I would date perfect," he shrugs as CTB ushers him over to the table she commanded the maître d' to seat them at. "You like that!" House realizes. "You like her personality! You like that she's conniving. You like that she has no regard for consequences. You like that she can humiliate someone if it serves -- " and at this point House cuts himself off as a look of horror crosses both his and Wilson's faces. "Oh my God. You're sleeping with me," House says. He's so thrown off that he hands Wilson CTB's drink and takes off. A dazed Wilson has a lot to think about on his way to the table.
Roz is in the middle of her stress test. So far, no heart attacks. Taub orders Roz to work harder on the exercise machine. Meanwhile, he and Yonatan appear to be testing her at NASA, judging by all the machines and blinky lights in the booth. "I am going harder, damn it!" Roz says, and Yonatan starts to wonder if perhaps House was right about Roz. Didn't Yonatan want House thrown off the case? Whatever happened to that? Yonatan worries that if they cure Roz, she'll go back to her old life and leave him. "I don't think it's likely," Taub offers. But if it did happen, he helpfully supplies, Yonatan will "find someone else." Taub doubts Yonatan could be truly in love with Roz after only three dates anyway. Yonatan asks Taub how long he's been married. Taub says twelve years and claims to be just as in love with his wife now as he was when they got married. Hopefully more so than the day he cheated on her. Yonatan thinks you should love your spouse more than you did when you married her. "The more you know someone, the more you should love them," he says. Taub tells Roz she can stop the stress test; her heart is fine. Just when Yonatan has some hope for his wife, she collapses on the ground, complaining of leg pain.
Foreman updates House on Roz's non-lupus and new leg pain. He thinks there's a clot causing the pain, and House takes leg clots very seriously, so he orders up both an MRI OF DOOOM!!! and an fMRI (the "F" is for FUCKING DOOOM!!! I guess). With that, House orders Foreman to give him ten dollars because he missed lunch. Foreman says he thought House just got back from lunch. Wait wait wait -- what is Wilson doing having alcoholic beverages for lunch? No wonder he's so bad at oncology. Also, Foreman gives House ten dollars because he's a sucker.
I'm very excited about this new fMRI, so I did some research. Apparently, it shows neural activity in the brain and spinal cord. Sure enough, there's a 3D picture of Roz's brain spinning around on Foreman and Gertrude's monitors. Instead of watching that while various colors light up various parts of Roz's brain, Foreman grills Gertrude, who says that people like to oversimplify things and put everyone in categories. "No one can describe themselves in ten words; why would we want to hear anyone else do it?" Gertrude says. Oh, shut up, Gertrude. A first name is convenient. Just fucking get one already and stop complaining about being put in a box. You're not as complicated as you think you are. Foreman isn't taking any of her shit today, so he just says he's sure she has many complicated reasons for wanting to keep herself a mystery. For instance, she's bisexual. Gertrude's eyes bulge slightly and she turns and stares at Foreman. "Denial would've worked before the long, vacant stare," Foreman says. Ha! So...Gertrude thinks she's super-special because she's bi? Since when was being like every other sophomore female college student special? Also, I am renaming her Biana just to get as much mileage out of her bisexuality as I can in the forty minutes before the season ends. "People who have a problem with boxes are people who don't fit them," Foreman says. Or they're people who like both boxes and penis. Foreman assures Biana that he doesn't care enough about her to tell anyone else about this.
House enters, asking about their "mental yentl." Do you think the writers came up with that joke first and then wrote this entire episode around it? I do. Foreman and Biana report that both the MRI and fMRIs are clean. House doesn't really care, since it's time for the real reason he wanted to do an fMRI: to restart Roz's IV. Foreman asks what the point of that is. "Like so many procedures we put patients through, it hurts," House says. And is ultimately unnecessary. This time, House wants to see how the pain shows up in Roz's brain on the fMRI -- specifically to see if it registers as pleasure. Also, "it'll be cool," House says. Foreman agrees to restart the IV but stands his ground that this is not cool.
Foreman goes out to Roz and apologizes before rubbing the IV line in her hand to restart it. Roz groans and starts talking to herself quietly while House watches the pleasure center of her brain light up "like a Hanukah bush." Maybe she's thinking of lending people money at a high interest rate. Test concluded, Biana goes out to Roz to ask if she's okay, but Roz is too busy praying to pay much attention to her, saying she figured she'd better start that up as soon as she heard Foreman apologize, knowing something really not fun was about to happen. Biana tells House that the prayers could explain the brain activity. "Curses! Foiled again!" House cries, twirling his moustache. Foreman helps Roz sit up, only for her BP and heart rate to suddenly drop. She passes out, and Foreman and Biana help her into a wheelchair, at which point her vitals stabilize and she wakes up. House walks out and decides to try that again. They stand Roz up and she crashes. They sit her back down and she wakes up. "Make her do that again!" House says. We cut to a commercial, but you can assume that House then spent the next three days and nights making Roz stand up and sit down for his own personal amusement.
While House peers into the hallway to spy on Wilson, Foreman updates him on Roz's case. There's not much to tell: they started her on some drugs that won't work. Kumar rants that today is like opposite day; when you stand up, your bp and heart rate are supposed to go up, not plummet. House asks for diagnoses, still insisting that altered mental status is one of Roz's symptoms. Even Taub is starting to think differently, as his three-second conversation with Yonatan about marriage has shown him the light. "They have something we don't have," Taub says. Kumar employs a confusing metaphor involving toasters to say that Roz could have an electrical problem in her heart, causing both the low bp when Roz is standing and the altered mental status. Since that fits in with House's worldview best, he tells the Cottages to run an EP study on Roz's heart.
With that, he runs out into the hall to talk to the newly-arrived Wilson. Apparently, Wilson has finally, FINALLY moved out of his hotel room! And, House assumes, into CTB's place. They're moving kind of fast, but, okay. Wilson says he's decided that dating a female House might be a great idea, since Wilson and House "are a couple" anyway. Except that they're one of those couples that never have sex and one spouse is domineering and abusive and the other doesn't know how to leave. Sounds awesome! Wilson says CTB is "exactly" what he needs, and House is too full of self-loathing to see it.
House has a different theory: he thinks that CTB is a needy version of House. Yeah, because House isn't needy at all. Wilson seems to agree with me, based on his sarcastic response. House says he figured out that Wilson and CTB have been dating for four weeks, not four months like Wilson said. Which means that they started dating when CTB was despondent over getting fired. Wilson gets all defensive because House might have a point. Finally, he asks House why he keeps trying to find reasons why Wilson and CTB aren't right for each other. Wilson's guess is jealousy.
While Taub and Kumar do the EP study, Kumar decides to inform all of us -- despite Taub's obvious and hilarious disinterest -- that he used to be a huge science fiction geek. He went to one Star Trek convention and was totally hooked. I call bullshit since Kumar was just talking about Star Wars and you can't be a fan of both. You have to choose! Taub assures Kumar that his newly opened mind about Hasidism won't turn him into one, even though wearing a yarmulke all the time would do wonders for covering his baldness. "I don't think they're crazy anymore," Taub says. "Then they have something to offer," Kumar says. If that's true, I really want to know what Star Trek has to offer. With that, Roz sort of wakes up from her sedative and warns them to stop gossiping, because it's evil. But it makes the workday so much more interesting! Roz's heart looks fine, meaning she must have some rare incurable genetic disease causing the electrical problems instead. Kumar tells Roz this. Her response: "bisexual." The word "sex" perks Kumar's ears right up, and he asks for details, hoping to get some gossip out of Roz while she's out of it. Taub disapproves of this, and Kumar says he's already started turning Hasidic. Because I'm sure it's totally cool in reform Judaism to encourage a drugged-up woman to gossip.
House marches into Cuddy's office to order her to sleep with Wilson. His relationship with CTB can only lead to pain, as she combines two of Wilson's worst qualities: his love for House and his love for neediness. "As administrator of this hospital, you have to save your star oncologist," House says. How sad that Wilson is PPTH's star oncologist. House follows Cuddy out of her office, telling her all about Wilson's pattern with women that he knows way too much about. Sooner or later, House says, Wilson will need to cheat on CTB and who better with than someone who is "nearing forty" and has "no personal life." What a charmer. Cuddy says she has it all figured out: House is worried that Wilson will stop hanging out with him to spend more time with CTB. House is afraid that Wilson will change. "People don't change just because they wish they could," House says. No, House -- you have to, like, work on it. Just because you can't or won't do that doesn't mean no one else can. Cuddy assures House that no matter how long Wilson is with CTB, he'll never drop House because House is the "long-distance runner of neediness." Except without the running part.
Biana and Taub have stuck Roz in a hot room and put some chemical on her that will detect sweat. If she doesn't sweat, it means she has that genetic disease. Yonatan objects to seeing his wife looking so exposed in her short sleeves. He says it's disrespectful and is offended when Biana suggests that while it's sweet of Yonatan to care about Roz's modesty, it's also archaic and inconsequential. "Our traditions aren't just blind rituals. They mean something. They have a purpose," Yonatans says. Biana looks shamed. Ha ha ha! And with that, Roz has a seizure. Not only that, but she's also freezing cold despite the heat of the room. Opposite day continues!
Roz's seizure was caused by hypothermia. Why didn't she tell anyone she was freezing? I guess they were too busy discussing religious matters to listen. House says Roz's body is doing the opposite of what it should do, just like Wilson. He asks for opinions on this. Foreman is the only one who gives his, saying he thinks Wilson is happy with CTB. Thinking of Roz again, House decides to fight opposites with opposites. They've been going on the theory that something has been added to the body, like an infection. What is something was taken away? Foreman suggests Addison's, lack of cortisol. It fits all the symptoms, so Biana is off to run a cortisol stimulation test.
Even though Cuddy acted like she didn't care about Wilson's love life to House, she's now asking Wilson if he's really happy with the vicious and evil CTB. "Excellent disguise, House," Wilson says. Cuddy just can't believe Wilson and CTB are that serious, but Wilson says CTB is pretty and funny, albeit slightly more aggressive than what he's used to. But he's happy and he thinks that's all that matters. It matter a lot more than other people's opinions, I'd say. Cuddy says she's worried because Wilson looks out for others, while CTB only looks out for herself. "Your needs are going to feed her needs until all that's left is a Wilson chalk outline on the floor," Cuddy predicts; "sorry." You know what? Shut up, Cuddy. Wilson says he's happy and he's a big boy who can look out for himself. Mind your own business, jealous Jennifer.
The cortisol seems to be working, as Roz reports that she's feeling a lot better. She tells her husband to go home and get some sleep, but he wants to stay at her side. "You are much better looking than Mrs. Silver led me to expect," Roz opposite-compliments. Yonatan says Mrs. Silver never liked him. How good of her to fix Roz up with someone she doesn't like, then. Mrs. Silver is twisted, you guys. Biana notices that Roz's abdomen is looking swollen. Roz sits up and her vitals crash. Biana yells out for some saline and blood, telling Yonatan that his wife is bleeding internally. Meanwhile, Roz is saying a death prayer. I guess optimism isn't one of those 613 commandments.
Chase makes an appearance to show Roz her MRI, which shows that she's bleeding internally but doesn't show the source, making it totally useless. Chase wants to do exploratory surgery, but he has to admit that even if they do find and fix the leak, it won't cure Roz's mystery disease. Just possibly keep her alive long enough for House to. Roz refuses to have the surgery until after the sun sets. She figures she'll probably die on the table anyway, so she'd like to have one Shabbat with her husband before she does. Yonatan begs Roz to have the surgery as soon as possible, but she won't budge. So much for obeying your husband.
So Chase goes to the meeting room to tell House and company that the patient won't consent to surgery for another eight hours. "Nice work, Chase," House says. Chase asks if he can go now, seeing as he's now been in two scenes in one show, which is just crazy. "We need you," House tells him. Whaaaa? It really is opposite day! House continues to tell Chase off for not getting Roz to consent to the surgery, which was the only reason why he said he needed Chase to stay in the room after all. So, Chase leaves. Taub disagrees with House's assessment that Roz is suicidal, saying she just wants to make sure she has one meaningful experience with her new husband before she dies. Kumar makes fun of Taub's newfound faith, but Taub persists, saying Roz is trying to connect with all of the years she won't have. House points out that if she just let them do the surgery now, she'd get to have those years. With that, Chase pokes his head in the room with an idea of how to get Roz into surgery now rather than later. He even appeals to House's messiah complex by calling him God. See, new Cottages? That's how it's done.
Chase's idea (for which he will not be participating, of course) is to pull a Mission: Impossible and make Roz think the sun has set by sticking black paper on the windows she passes on her way to her Shabbat. Roz thinks it's too early, but Taub just lies that she's too doped up to tell time. They get to Roz's room with the Shabbat dinner and Taub tells her to pray and scarf down some challah so they can get to the cutting. I thought you weren't supposed to eat before surgery. I guess they'll make an exception for Roz the Super-Difficult.
CTB has been summoned to House's office, where he tells her if she can solve Roz's case, he'll give her a job. Of course, she'll have to stop seeing Wilson. CTB takes a seat and tells House that for her entire life, she thought she had to choose between love and respect. What could possibly make her think that? What did she see that made her think love and respect don't go together? Maybe she just read too much Machiavelli. Anyway, since meeting Wilson, she says, she has both love AND respect. She'd rather have that than some fellowship. I don't think House was expecting that answer. CTB stands up, checks out the Whiteboard O'Symptoms, and guesses DIC. "You've changed," House says. "I hope so," CTB says. House says her diagnosis is wrong. CTB just smiles and leaves. You know who's not smiling or leaving, though? Roz.
Speaking of, she gets her Shabbat and seems to think it was worth waiting for. Meanwhile, Cottages have been unable to come up with any new diagnoses. House surprises everyone by revealing his extensive knowledge of Hasidic prayer and ritual while we see footage of Roz and Yonatan's wedding. Back in Roz's room, Biana is hanging out. Apparently she's much more useful there than in House's office. Either that, or she can't figure out who's hotter, Roz or Yonatan. House calls Roz a hypocrite for going against the Torah by putting her life in jeopardy and delaying the surgery. Taub says it's not hypocritical if Roz believes that God will take care of her. That's the kind of thinking, House says, that will kill her. "Things aren't where we want them to be just because we want them to be there," House says, no doubt thinking of the other night when he went to get some Vicodin off of his nightstand only to find the bottle empty. He's also thinking of a BRILLIANT IDEA.
House bursts into the hallway and finds Roz's gurney being wheeled towards the OR. "Stop that Jew!" House calls out. Considering we're in a hospital in New Jersey, I'm surprised the entire hallway of people didn't stop in their tracks. House tells Biana to stand Roz up. Against her better judgment, they do, and Roz crashes again. But then House grabs her right side and hugs and Roz's vitals stabilize. "What did you do?" Roz asks. Her voice apparently annoys House, so he lets go of her side and she crashes again. Then he hugs her again and she's all better. House explains that Roz has nephroptosis, a.k.a. a floating kidney. Yo, I did not know that could happen. Roz's kidneys have never been attached to the rest of her body as well as they were supposed to be, so when she was hoisted up on the chair and bounced around, her right kidney finally shook loose and made a break for it. Every time Roz stood up, her kidney dropped slightly, causing all of her symptoms. And since they do all of their scans with the patient lying down and her kidney back where it was supposed to be, they never saw it. The exploratory surgery wouldn't have, either. All they have to do is confirm it with an ultrasound and have Chase reattach the kidney and fix the bleed (off-camera). Roz is thrilled to spend the rest of her life getting to know her husband. With that, House turns to Biana and says, "You do it both ways, right?" "What?!" Biana gasps. But House was just talking about the ultrasound, and doing it while Roz was standing up and lying down. Now that Biana's had such a strong reaction, though, I'm sure House will figure out her stupid mystery secret. Or maybe, judging by his little smile, he already has.
House pokes his head into Wilson's office and says he now approves of his relationship with CTB, calling her a female proxy for him. A shocked Wilson chases House down the hall while the Rolling Stones play in the background. Wilson asks House if he's saying that people really can change. House says he isn't, and would appreciate it if Wilson stopped trying to change him. Wilson still can't believe it, saying that with House's blessing, he might have a chance to have a real relationship with someone who isn't House. That, or all the fun will go out of the relationship. "You could end up losing a friend," Wilson says; "are you being...self-sacrificing?" "I don't sacrifice self," House assures Wilson. The more things change, the more they stay the same. With that, the episode -- and, most likely, the season -- is over. Who knows who will be back next year?
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me , which she occasionally updates when she's bored at work. Or you can try your luck emailing her at saramorrison@gmail.com with news that some Nigerian king died and she stands to gain ten percent of his fortune if she hands over her bank account info.