Dying Changes Everything
Updated 2008-09-17 09:07:17
Welcome back to another season of House ! I was so excited about the premiere that I stayed up ALL NIGHT writing this thing so it would be up for you to read the next day. DEDICATION! We begin with an ant being crushed by a newspaper, although I'm not too upset since it was just a computer generated ant and not a very good one at that. Two women make their way up an elevator and into an office, where a sneezing Marg Helgenberger-looking woman yells at a meeting room full of men for not having one woman working at the top of their company. One man says they've tried to promote women, but I guess the women working at this company just aren't very good at their jobs. Maybe they're like Marg's assistant, who can't be bothered to pay attention during the meeting because there are a couple of ants in the room. Oh, okay -- there are a lot of ants in the room. More specifically, on the assistant's body. That's sexual harassment, ants. Marg is gonna kick your ass for this! The assistant starts freaking out and ripping her clothes off, which is humorous since her boss just got done telling the men in the office not to treat women like sex objects. Now they're all too busy wondering if this is some kind of test to call 911.
Still no new credits? This is getting a little silly. Is it because someone lost the textbook with all the cool medical illustrations in it? Because they can just stick some shots of Princeton in there instead, like they did for Jennifer Morrison's credit. The lack of new credits gives me false hope that the real Cottages will go back to House and Cameron's hair will turn brown and everything will be right with the world again.
House has recovered from his bus crash injuries and is hanging out with the Coma Guy (nice to see him back in inaction), playing a videogame that he stole from the pediatric ward. That's right, folks: House steals from sick kids. He probably took a dump in the Make-A-Wish donation box on his way out as well. Cuddy comes in to tell him that Wilson is back at work after a two-month absence. Not to downplay Wilson's personal pain or anything, but two months is a hell of a long time to get off of work due to the death of a girlfriend. I'm guessing whoever wrote PPTH's leave policy couldn't be bothered to break down the types of leave and length and just gave everything a uniform two months, since that's how much time House got after he was shot twice at work. When House doesn't immediately jump up to greet Wilson, Cuddy pulls a my-mother-when-dinner-was-ready and unplugs the TV, thereby ending House's game. House refers to CTB's death in his usual flippant and insensitive manner, which, after four seasons, still shocks Cuddy. He says Wilson asked him for time alone, and he's happy to oblige. He doesn't sound too happy about it, though. Meanwhile, it appears that a new name has been added to the never-ending list of producers, and this addition couldn't be more deserving: Sara Hess!
Now that Cuddy's given up House's location, he's got all kinds of people nagging him to do stuff, as Foreman enters with a new case via a call from Marg. Marg's Women's Majority organization is somehow so famous that everyone in the room (with the possible exception of Coma Guy) knows who she is and what she represents. It's kind of adorable that the writer thought a feminist could become so famous in this day and age. House adds that since he has a penis, he "metaphorically raped her," which is pretty funny even though rape shouldn't be funny. "You did too," House adds, although I'm not sure if he's talking to Foreman or Cuddy. Foreman says Marg's assistant flipped out and started ripping her clothes off, and House is off and running, saying she must have realized that women are here to service men, not to yell at them for not promoting enough women. This is coming from a guy who only employs attractive young ladies, and only one at a time at that, so take what you will from it. House thinks this is a psychiatric case, but Foreman adds that the assistant has some physical symptoms, like anemia, bradycardia, and abdominal pain. Not to get all sexist here, but I think the assistant just has a nasty case of PMS. Even so, House reaches for the file, only to watch Cuddy snatch it away. She says she's going to assign it to some crumb bum named "Siegel." Who the hell is Siegel? Is there another diagnostician at PPTH? Why would they need one? And how much does his life suck, stuck with all the crappy cases that House doesn't want? I want to know more about this Siegel. But I won't get my wish today, as Cuddy continues that House has "more important things to do" than the job he's paid handsomely to do. I'll bet Marg's assistant would beg to differ. But perhaps Cuddy's hesitation to give the case to House is that she's hoping to avoid the inevitable sexual harassment lawsuit from Marg and co. that would result from House treating the assistant, as illustrated by him accusing Cuddy of having genital warts worthy of a spelunking expedition.
We're in the meeting room, and I'm sad to see that we're still stuck with Kumar, Hadley, and Taub. Not that I don't like them, really. I just miss the original Cottages. Even Cameron! While House tries to discuss the new case with his underlings, Taub stupidly interrupts him to ask if he's talked to Wilson yet. MYOB, Taub. Just because you're House's age doesn't make you his friend. House ignores Taub and continues on, saying their patient flies all over the world and to some very exotic locales that require sexual harassment training for some reason. Hadley says the lack of fever rules out every single tropical disease ever. Kumar goes for the drug diagnosis, saying the assistant could be taking speed to keep up on the grueling work hours. Foreman gets uncharacteristically involved in House's business and asks about Wilson. House ignores him and says the patient's tox screen was clear. Taub suggests that a poor travelers' diet of peanuts and diet soda could have caused a vitamin deficiency. I just want to know which airline is still serving peanuts, and fly on it. Pretzels and party mixes are gross and not at all filling. Bring back the peanuts, I say! Hadley leaps to the working womens' defense and points out that everyone is ascribing the patient's problems to her career. Meanwhile, career woman Hadley has Huntington's. I'm pretty sure you can't get Huntington's from being a woman with a full-time job, but still ... you never know. To her credit, Hadley has a non-work-related diagnosis for the patient: an insulinoma in her pancreas that's making her hypoglycemic. From this statement, House informs the crew that Hadley is "irrationally" defending the patient's career because she, too, has a career that takes up too much of her time and leaves her with not much of a life and wants to think that's okay because she's positive for Huntington's. Dude, House. What the hell? That's not for you to say. Also, how does he even know that? Did she tell them? Why would she do that? I guess she's regretting it now. While Kumar, Foreman and Taub sit there in slack-jawed shock, Hadley just argues for her diagnosis, only to be overruled by House, who wants to shoot the patient full of B12 for the vitamin deficiency we all know she doesn't have.
Kumar, Foreman, and Taub catch up with Hadley at the elevator and immediately start in telling her they're sorry about her Huntington's and stuff. Hadley says she doesn't have Huntington's and House only said she did so they'd stop asking him about Wilson. Ah, nice deflection there, Hadley. Very nice. The guys aren't quite buying it, though.
The patient (her name ends up being Lou, although I never heard anyone call her that for the entire episode) is on the phone working hard when Hadley arrives wheeling a cart full of B12. Lou thinks she was just tired and dehydrated and there's nothing to worry about, because hallucinating an ant invasion and taking your clothes off in front of an office full of men in the middle of a sexual harassment meeting is as minor as a case of the sniffles. Hadley orders Lou to get back in bed for the B12 shot that we all know won't make her any better and will probably make her worse. Hadley injects her and says she's sure Marg will be okay without her for a few days. Lou says she wants to be there because her work with Marg makes her feel like she matters. "Yeah, I mean, without you who knows how much starch they put in her shirts," Hadley snaps. Wow, where did that come from? I guess when women get together, they can't help but be bitchy to each other! Heh, I only said that to piss Marg off. The joke's on Hadley, though, as Lou reacts to her insult by shitting the bed. Oh, wait -- the joke is back on Lou since that's not shit - it's blood. Blood coming out of someone's ass? House is officially back, y'all!
House finally goes to see Wilson. He starts in with an anti-feminism speech, acting like nothing happened. That's not going to work this time, House. Wilson interrupts him to announce that he's resigning from PPTH. "Wow, you're really milking this bereavement thing, aren't you?" House says. Wilson ignores him and says he's writing his resignation letter to Cuddy right now and might even leave New Jersey entirely. House accuses Wilson of making a rash decision as a reaction to CTB's death and says he should remember that "pain fades." "Did yours?" Wilson asks quickly, like he's been waiting two months for a chance to say that. House says his pain is physical, which is different than Wilson's pain. Wilson says he'd rather have his leg chopped off than go through losing CTB. House says that's just because Wilson doesn't know what House endures everyday. Wilson doesn't think House knows enough about losing someone you love to decide which type of pain is worse. Their pain pissing match ends with the entrance of Hadley, who says they need House to help with the patient's rectal bleed. "Get the hell outta here," House orders. I must admit, that was enjoyable to watch, although it's funny how when the subject is Hadley's Huntington's, nothing is sacred and it can be announced to all within earshot in the middle of a workplace. But when House is having a fight with his bestest friend, everyone has to steer clear. Hadley leaves, and House tells Wilson to stop letting his grief control his life, saying his reaction is "textbook." Wilson says that's a textbook he hasn't read before, and he'll be handing his cases over to some oncologist named Dr. Roland now. I wonder if Dr. Roland and Dr. Siegel are friends. Maybe they're like the Bizarro Wilson and House, and Siegel is really nice and both of his legs work while Roland is always saying no to anything Siegel asks of him and never, ever lets Siegel get away with stealing his lunch. Not like Siegel would ever try such a thing.
Taub's trying to look up Lou's ass for bleeds while Hadley insists upon distracting him by complaining about how House should have taken time out of talking to Wilson to do this. Taub doesn't see how this really needs House's expertise. "Our patient may be dying!" Hadley says. Um ... I hope Lou didn't just hear that. Hadley points out that when it comes to dealing with personal issues, only House gets any slack. Taub reminds her that House is the boss. And a hypocrite. With that, Taub has finished the endoscopy and found no bleeds. Clearly he sucks at this job and House should have pulled himself away from Wilson to do it himself. Hadley was right!
Taub and Hadley go to Foreman with their non-results. He says they'll have to wait for the CT scan results, but Kumar walks up and says they don't need to: one of the patient's pre-screening blood tests came back positive, and it explains all of her symptoms, not to mention gives Hadley hope that one can have a life beyond her busy career.
Lou takes the news of her pregnancy well enough. Apparently, she's been having a lot of sex lately and has no idea who the father is. This sounds like a job for Maury Povich! Kumar is surprised to hear that it's been two or three months since the last time patient had sex, since the ultrasound shows no sign of a baby. Maybe it's invisible? That would be a cool twist. As for Lou, she looks like she's starting to lose faith in her crack team of doctors who can't find ass bleeds, babies, or their boss.
House is allowing the Cottages to talk to him again, although he spends most of the time ignoring them and staring out the window at the balcony that may soon belong to a doctor who isn't Wilson while they shoot around possible causes of two positive pregnancy tests with no actual pregnancy. Invisible baby. I'm just saying. Foreman tries to pull House back into the thick of things. He dismisses a few diagnoses before taking off.
He marches into Wilson's office and says Wilson is going to ruin his career for the sake of a dead woman he's going to get over as soon as he meets the next girl he falls in love with. Ouch. Wilson says he needs a flowchart to map out all the wrong things House just said. For real. Fortunately for Wilson, I have made him just the flowchart. I totally put it up on my blog so everyone can see it. House tries to save face by pointing out all the stuff he did to try to save CTB and how he put his own life in danger to do so, but Wilson doesn't have much sympathy to spare. The Cottages stop by to try to steer House back to their patient and give Wilson their regards. House announces that Wilson is quitting. Hadley reacts to the news with an odd lurch forward (could it be ... HUNTINGTON'S? And so I begin Huntington's Symptoms Watch 2008) and starts making apologies for interrupting at a "terrible time," although House did say last time he was in Wilson's office that he didn't want to be disturbed, so maybe someone could have gotten the hint and these apologies wouldn't be necessary. Taub just wants to know why Wilson is leaving, as if it's any of his business. Then again, Taub probably just thinks Wilson has to quit because he got caught having sex with someone at PPTH, as that's the only grounds for dismissal Taub is familiar with.
Hadley tries to steer the conversation back to the patient and her mystery pregnancy while Foreman sympathetically asks Wilson if there's anything they can do. Wilson would appreciate it if they told their boss to respect his decision, as if that would change House's mind at all. House says Wilson's decision doesn't deserve respect. Hadley says the patient is having hallucinations and her heart is still acting all funky. House leaves the office, saying the patient is pregnant on his way out.
House introduces himself to Lou by waking her up with a rapping on her bedside table and then pulling up her gown for another ultrasound. Lou is understandably confused at this turn of events. "Hey, who are you?" she asks. "This is Dr. House. He's too brilliant for introductions," Hadley says as she enters. He is, though. As for Taub, Kumar, and Foreman, apparently they decided to stay behind in Wilson's office for some awkward conversation instead of watching their genius boss at work. By the way, said genius boss just called Lou's vagina a "pleasure portal." Gross. But just when you thought he was being a jerk, he takes a moment to compliment Lou's youthful looking skin, which gives her face the appearance of a woman ten years younger than her age of thirty-seven. And he's found the baby. It wound up missing both the uterus and the fallopian tubes and implanted itself in her intestines, causing all of her symptoms and the rectal bleed. "Yank the fetus. If she survives the surgery, she'll be fine," House says with great sensitivity.
House isn't done yet, though, as Hadley follows him into the hallway to demand that they give Lou the option to keep her baby, even though that's pretty much impossible. Not completely impossible, though: I saw this special on Discovery Health where a woman managed to give birth to a health baby boy that was implanted in her abdomen. Not only that, but I think the kid was also part of a set of triplets, the rest of whom managed to stay in the uterus and resist the urge to go out exploring. That's pretty rare, though, and House has no interest in seeing if it'll happen this time around. He's already decided that Lou doesn't want to keep her baby. Hadley says they don't know that, and it is possible to transplant a fetus. House says killing the fetus attached to patient's intestines is going to be dangerous enough. Implanting it is just crazy talk. But Hadley persists, so House chalks her sudden pro-life leanings up to her Huntington's diagnosis and says he wouldn't have insisted she get tested if he knew it would color all of her medical decisions. Hadley says death sentences tend to have an impact on a person. "People DIE. You, Amber -- everyone. Don't act like you just figured that out," House says; "I gave you a diagnosis. You don't like it, there are exits on every floor." Hadley, just punch him in the face and quit. Life's too short for this. Especially your life.
Hadley returns to Lou's room with the fetus-killing surgery consent forms. Hadley tries to cushion the blow, but there's no need. Lou has no qualms about removing the fetus. She's all ready to sign the papers and everything. Wow, you really called that one, Hadster.
House heads down to the ER to hang out with a female Cottage with a normal lifespan. He makes fun of Cameron's patient for being fat before asking her if she's talked to Wilson lately. She already knows where this is going, and says House can't make her try to convince Wilson to stay at PPTH. "I am not your errand girl. Best thing about leaving you," she says. Bullshit, Cameron. You loved running errands for House. That's why you always volunteered yourself to open his mail and stuff. When the patient asks if he's listening in on an ex-lovers' quarrel, he's made fun of for being fat again. Cameron pulls House aside and tries to explain to him that grief is different for people. House may not be able to feel it, but other people do. House reminds Cameron that she knows what it's like to lose a loved one, so she's the perfect candidate to talk to Wilson about how to deal with it. Oops! It turns out that Cameron dealt with it by moving and getting a new job. Time for Plan C, House.
And now we get to see Chase. He's doing Lou's surgery, but it's not going well, probably because this is a very intense and complicated surgery and Chase is kind of a jack-of-all-trades surgeon. And he's got the Cottages assisting him, and all they know how to do is tell Chase that his patient is dying until he snaps at them to shut up. There's some kind of bleeding problem, but it's soon resolved and Chase removes the fetus. Hadley can't bear to watch and we don't have to unless you really want to squint and try to make it out in the reflection of Chase's safety glasses.
Plan C stands for Cuddy, as House's next stop is her office to order her to stop Wilson from quitting by making it impossible for him to find a new job. Cuddy refuses and tells House to try talking to Wilson, but he says Wilson keeps kicking him out for some reason. Cuddy thinks that reason is that every time House opens his mouth around Wilson, something incredibly insensitive and downright cruel comes out. Cuddy suggests that House try apologizing to Wilson instead. "I didn't kill her," House says. Cuddy says House didn't exactly help things, either: "she was on the bus because of you." House says he didn't tell her to get on the bus, and he wasn't driving the bus or the garbage truck that hit it. And he didn't prescribe the flu meds that ultimately killed her. "You really don't feel any sense of guilt?" Cuddy asks, looking at House pityingly. Apparently he doesn't, so Cuddy gives up and tells House that if he wants Wilson to stay, he should tell him he feels like crap about what happened. House says if he said that to Wilson, it would be meaningless. "Find some meaning," she says; "do something ."
The fetus is out, but since we aren't even a half hour into the show, Lou isn't any better. Her heart rate is still low and now she can't stop blinking. Oh, hold on - her heart rate just went down to zero. Well, at least it's consistent now. Foreman orders Taub to page House.
House ignores the page because he's talking to Wilson. He asks Wilson if saying he was sorry -- and Wilson believing that -- would change his mind about leaving PPTH. Wilson can't imagine such a fantastical scenario so he can't answer that question. House doesn't want to try apologizing to find out, so instead he goes with Plan D: acting like a freaking baby and refusing to work until Wilson withdraws his resignation, even if that means killing his patient. Wilson says House is holding a gun up to his own head. House says he's sure Wilson's conscience will come through before his does. He'd put a patient's life in jeopardy to keep Wilson at PPTH. Also, because "your friendship matters more to me than this patient." And it kills him to admit it. Wilson says he's going to do what's right for him, and House can do what's right for him. House says that comes more easily to him than it does to Wilson, and he's going to show just how good of a friend he is by exploiting it. House leaves his phone on Wilson's desk. No doubt he's got the ringer set to heartbeats à la "The Tell-Tale Heart."
The Cottages try to save Lou except for Taub, who annoyingly keeps asking where House is. The answer is walking out the door.
After the break, the Cottages have managed to stabilize Lou without House's help and Cuddy has taken over in the meeting room. The Cottages have no idea what's wrong with Lou and think they need House to save her. "I have complete confidence in you guys," Cuddy says, looking not at all confident. Maybe it's time to call in Siegel? She leaves, and Hadley says they can save the patient without House. Yeah, that's the spirit! Go for it! They shoot around diagnoses, wondering if something happened to patient during the surgery to cause her current problems. Hadley takes a liking to MS, but Taub points out that it doesn't explain the B12 deficiency or the ectopic pregnancy. He wants to keep going until they find something that explains all of Lou's symptoms. Hadley says House isn't here, and neither are those symptoms. MS explains all the symptoms Lou has right now. Foreman gives the order to start patient on interferon, which totally pisses Taub off. Fortunately the scene ends before he can whine about it.
Cuddy reports to House's front door. She says she knew something like this would happen, which is why she didn't want House to take the case in the first place. And she doesn't think House is being much of a friend by trying to guilt Wilson into staying at PPTH. House says it will get the results he wants. Cuddy says she won't let House walk out on a patient. He says she can fire him. You know what? She totally should. They've got Siegel, right? He would never walk out on one of his patients. Hell, I heard that he sings them to sleep every night. Cuddy can't believe House would rather lose his career than apologize. House claims that he tried to apologize, but Wilson didn't believe it, and neither did House for that matter. Cuddy breaks it down and says that House just doesn't want to admit how he actually feels about Wilson and what happened to Amber, because if he does that, he'll be vulnerable. And then if Wilson walks out on him anyway, it will suck all the more. Frustrated, she starts throwing around terms like "nerve deadening" and "emotionally obliterating," at which point House slams the door in her face. Undaunted, she yells at him through the door, accusing him of running away just like Wilson, and killing his patient in the process.
Meanwhile, Lou is conscious and wants to know where House is and if this new MS diagnosis was his idea. Hadley says House is sick and the diagnosis was a team effort. "But you're not really a team. You work for him," Lou says. Ha! You just know she's been waiting to make that remark since Hadley said her job was limited to starch knowledge. Lou agrees that she works for Marg just like Hadley works for House. Unlike Hadley, though, Lou holds no illusions as to how well Marg would handle herself without her. Marg would be just fine without Lou. Lou, on the other hand, would be nothing without Marg. Hadley is sure Lou could go from being an assistant to a leader, no problem. "Not everybody's created equal," Lou shrugs. She hasn't been at PPTH long, and conscious for even less of that time, but she's already figured out that House is the brains of this operation, so screw women's rights and giving female underlings the chance to get ahead with their crappy diagnoses. Hadley just lies and says that House thinks she has MS. With that, Lou gets really cold. But she's also running a fever. And that means it isn't MS.
House has to return to work because Cuddy had the cable in his apartment disconnected. Ha ha ha! She's still got a few tricks up her sleeve. Cuddy says she had help from a thirty-one-person maintenance crew that all hate House. House says if he won't return to work for a dying patient then he certainly won't because he can't watch TV. Cuddy points out that he's a few minutes away from missing his favorite soap. And she's made sure that the doctor's lounge remote is under her close supervision, so he can't watch it in there, either. And in comes Wilson, since Cuddy paged him under false pretenses to try to get both of them in the room together. Wilson turns to leave, but Cuddy threatens both him and House by withholding Wilson's salary history from every hospital in the tri-state area he applies to and setting all PPTH TVs to the Pottery Channel, which doesn't actually exist but totally should, if only for the pottery wheel bloopers show I just thought of, where we see people get hit with flying clay over and over again like what happened to me the one time I tried to use a wheel in art class.
The TV in the doctor's lounge is currently set to the surgery channel, as the Cottages have gathered round it to watch footage of Lou's surgery in the hopes of seeing something that went wrong. Hadley thinks some bacteria got into Lou during the surgery and the infection has spread into her brain, causing all of her post-surgery problems. Taub finally snaps and says they should talk about Hadley and her stupid Huntington's. He thinks she's desperate to cure Lou without House to prove something. Meanwhile, Kumar is actually paying attention and just saw something on the tape. It's a bump on her intestines. Taub thinks it's a simple hematoma. Kumar says it could be something else. Foreman agrees that it could be a ganglioma. They'll have to open Lou up again and get a piece of intestinal bump to find out.
Wilson and House are sitting on Cuddy's couch, sulky and rebellious. Cuddy has taken a seat in another chair and is playing therapist. Neither seems particularly happy to talk, but finally House says he thinks Wilson is an idiot for leaving PPTH. Cuddy says House is wrong to emotionally blackmail Wilson. Wilson says Cuddy is saying this in front of him to prove she's on his side. "Go to hell," Cuddy snaps at him, which isn't exactly helpful. I'm not expert in couples therapy, but I'm pretty sure you aren't supposed to tell your patients to go to hell. Cuddy's tone softens slightly and she starts saying she's sorry for Wilson's loss. At the mention of CTB's name, Wilson has had enough and starts to stand. Cuddy continues that running away from the people who care about him isn't going to make Wilson feel better and she doubts that CTB would have wanted him to leave. Wilson quite correctly points out that no one at PPTH even liked CTB, so how dare they speak for or even about her. He leaves, and House quickly follows suit.
Chase is very annoyed that he's being asked to perform a second surgery on a patient who almost died the first time around. Well, maybe if you hadn't almost killed her the first time she wouldn't need another, Chase. Foreman says they need a piece of the possible ganglioma on Lou's intestines, to which Chase insists that she doesn't have a ganglioma. Foreman implies that Chase missed it the first time around. Chase says that's impossible. He never misses anything. Oh, except for that one time . The point is moot since Lou is too weak for another round of general anesthesia, let alone the third round she'd need for yet another surgery if there was in fact a ganglioma. Hadley states that Chase would do the surgery if House asked. Chase says he would. Hadley sticks out her lower lip and stomps her feet and whines that if they just stand around with no ganglioma surgery, the patient will die. Chase tells them to stop standing around, then. Why don't they just go to another surgeon? Then again, perhaps PPTH only has one surgeon, which explains why he does all kinds of complicated surgeries on various parts of the body that you'd think would need a surgeon with specialized training.
Kumar pipes up to talk about coal and mountains. Hadley tells him to drop the Housian metaphors. Ugh, she's in such a bad mood this week. It's called Huntington's, Hadley. Not Rudeington's. Anyway, Kumar is trying to suggest that they shove a lighted scope up Lou's ass (again, the poor woman) and into her intestine until they find the bump. Then they'll push it to the surface of her skin and cut it out, sans general anesthesia. Yes, that sounds much less traumatic for the body than Chase's surgery.
Here's how Hadley presents the idea to Lou: "we'll make as small an incision as we can, but unfortunately it'll be very painful." Lou reacts by demanding to speak to House. Yeah, once they start throwing words like "very painful" and "can't use any anesthesia" around, it's best to consult with the guy in charge. Hadley says she can't talk to House, but reassures her that House's chucklehead minions totally know what they're doing, which is why Lou is on the brink of death. Incidentally, Lou has already been replaced at her job, which has to be grounds for some kind of lawsuit. I mean, she's been out for what, two, three days? And with a legitimate illness? Way harsh, Marg. Just because you work with a case of the sneezes doesn't mean your assistant should work while a fetus grows next to her bowels. Hadley thinks that's awful, but Lou is her usual chill self about the matter, saying she understands that her boss has a huge trip coming up and can't wait around for her assistant to get better. Hadley says they'll take good care of Lou, if by "good care" she means, "very painful." With that, she turns to leave, but can't resist turning back to ask Lou how she can just let her ex-boss treat her "like a footstool." "The world needs flunkies," Lou shrugs. "Don't say that! You're better than that!" Hadley insists. How does she know? Maybe Lou isn't better than that. Hadley hasn't exactly spent that much time with her to really know for sure. But that won't stop her from making some impassioned speech about how life is short so you have to go for the top. And as the assistant of a feminist, Lou should agree. "We can have anything!" Hadley concludes. "No, we can't. We can aspire to anything. But we don't get it just because we want it," Lou says. Ah, yes, but if you try sometimes, you just might find, you get what you need. Unless what we need is a cure for Huntington's. The drug companies are too busy making penis pills to cure that. "I would rather spend my life close to the birds than waste it wishing I had wings," Lou says. I get what she's saying, but that's a lame attitude. It's not about wishing you have wings; it's about working your ass off to make some. And you shouldn't spend so much time close to birds anyway. They carry diseases.
Not only does Lou have to deal with the very painful surgery coming up, but the scope up her ass can't be very comfortable either. Kumar finds the bump and pushes it close to the skin. Foreman sees the small lit bump on the surface of Lou's skin and asks for the scalpel. This can't be a good idea. And they may want to restrain patient and give her a piece of leather to chew on. House leaves PPTH for three seconds and they've already resorted to torture. Fortunately, we don't have to see any of it.
Cameron spots Wilson near a nurse's station and can't resist chatting him up. "I'm gonna miss you," Wilson tells her. "You shouldn't go," Cameron says. I think Wilson's gonna miss Cameron a whole lot less now. She admits that House asked her to talk to Wilson, but says that she also told him to "go to hell." "Thanks," Wilson says, giving her a pat on the back. The pat on the back was premature, as Cameron follows it up with "but I think he's right." She says Wilson might think he's making a rational decision now, but in six months he'll look back and wonder what he was thinking. That said, the pain never goes away. I usually hate it when Cameron brings up her PoorDeadHusband, but I'll give her a pass here because she's never on screen anymore and PoorDeadHusband is actually fitting this time. Wilson says everything in PPTH reminds him of CTB. Cameron says she saw a scarf this morning that was the same color as PoorDeadHusband's eyes, so distance doesn't take away the reminders. Wilson says he has to do something. Cameron says he should, but that won't make it the "right" choice. "There isn't one," she says. Maybe not, but I'll bet there are quite a few wrong ones.
The results are in on Lou's intestinal bump and it's not a ganglioma. Oh, if they put her through all that for nothing, she is going to sue them so hard. But it did help somewhat, as they now know that the bump is caused by amyloidosis. Unfortunately, it doesn't tell them what's causing it. Foreman, Kumar, and Hadley throw out diagnoses, all of which Taub rejects in short order. He thinks this case is impossible to solve without House. Well, you don't have House, so try being constructive, Taub. I hate Hadley, but at least she's trying here.
Foreman goes to Wilson, whose office is now looking all fake-packed, with random boxes on the floor and his wall art wrapped in bubble wrap. Wilson examines the slide of patient's intestinal bump and says lymphoma could be the cause of the amyloidosis. Foreman says there are no palpable lymph nodes. Wilson says that doesn't rule the diagnosis out. Foreman says they'll start patient on chemo, and, on a personal level, he thinks Wilson should leave. House uses Wilson as a sidekick and Cuddy uses him as a House checker-upper. Neither of them have Wilson's best interests at heart. If getting away from PPTH will make Wilson's life easier, Foreman thinks he should go for it. Meanwhile, when Foreman tried to leave PPTH, it only made his life harder.
Oh, great. Hadley gets yet another scene. She takes a seat next to Lou, who's started chemo and says she's feeling better already. Hadley chalks that up to the placebo effect, since it's supposed to take time for the feeling better to happen. Obviously, it's not lymphoma, but let's keep the charade going for now. Hadley apologizes for judging Lou's life and choices. Lou says Hadley might be one of the birds and not a flunkie. Again, I don't think she's spent enough time with Hadley to really know that. Maybe she's just sucking up so Hadley will hire her as her personal assistant. Instead, she gets a Personal Confession about Hadley's Huntington's diagnosis. Hadley says she's got about a dozen years before her mind and body fall apart. "I won't be able to fly. I won't be able to walk. I won't be able to breathe," she says. So her life has to matter now. "I want something to be different because of me," she says. "I am," Lou says. Not only is she going to be healthy, but she's also looking for a job running things instead of assisting the person who runs things. Hadley smiles. They should totally make out right now.
House steals the nurse's TV remote from under Cuddy's nose and makes his way to the doctor's lounge to watch his soap, which begins at four. What soap opera is on at four? Doesn't General Hospital end at four? Perhaps he watches it on the Soap Network. He won't get there without a fight, as Cuddy asks House why he thinks Wilson is leaving. House sticks with his "idiot" response, to which Cuddy says that every time someone does something abnormal, House can explain exactly what's going on in his head to cause it. But not this time. Cuddy was hoping House would say something insensitive that was sort of true to knock some sense into Wilson when she locked them in the room together, but he didn't. "You're afraid to know," she concludes. As for House, he isn't listening to a word she says. His attention is focused on Lou, whose room is across the desk.
He limps into her room and announces that she now looks her age. Her skin has aged ten years in only a few days. Taub chalks that up to the chemo while Hadley insists that Lou's symptoms are clearing up and she was right about the diagnosis and stop trying to blow up her spot. House grabs a large needle and says Lou doesn't have lymphoma. Without even asking permission, he whisks the sheet away from Lou's legs and jabs the needle into one of the many bruises on it while she begs him not to. He ignores her just like he ignored Cuddy. "I thought no meant yes," House shrugs, anti-feminist until the end. House withdraws the needle along with some fluid from the bruise and says it isn't a bruise at all, but a microbacterial lesion. Lou has leprosy, probably contracted when she and her boss went to teach the administrators of that leper colony about sexual harassment. Ha! And Hadley ruled out all tropical illnesses. Fail! The chemo made Lou feel a little better because it killed some of the bacteria. With a pointed look at Hadley, House says it also would have killed her immune system, and therefore, Lou. Hadley almost pulled a Foreman . Fail again! Upon hearing the word "leprosy," Lou asks if her limbs are going to fall off now. House says she actually has some awesome form of leprosy that makes your skin look younger, which is why the fact that she aged so suddenly once the chemo started clued him into the diagnosis. That's ... pretty shaky ground there, but I'll just accept that House is the Diagnosis Genius and therefore can see rare forms of leprosy from across the room based on someone's wrinkles. He tells Taub and Hadley to pump her full of antibiotics and prednisone and she'll make a full recovery. I didn't know leprosy could be so beneficial. Surely there must be a way to make a beauty treatment out of this. If people are willing to inject themselves with botulism, they'll definitely go for leprosy. House leaves, and an angry Hadley mutters "damn." You know, I was kind of hoping that, for once, the Cottages could have done it without House and that he wouldn't swoop in at the last minute to save the day. But, clearly, they suck, especially Hadley, who ruled out what the patient actually had in the beginning because of a lack of fever and then proceeded to make like four incorrect diagnoses, the last one of which almost killed the patient.
Later that night, Hadley tells Lou that the tests confirmed House's diagnosis. Lou is very pleased about this, as leprosy > cancer. Hadley invites herself to take a seat on Lou's bed and says that Lou's pregnancy triggered a common leprosy complication that caused all of patient's symptoms, including scarring her fallopian tubes, which then caused the ectopic pregnancy itself. By the way, the replacement Marg hired a day after her trusty assistant went to the hospital quit and Marg offered Lou her old job back. And Lou's going to take it. Therefore, Hadley's life has no meaning after all. Fail Three! But I guess it's not all bad, as Marg agreed to give Lou a more autonomous role this time around. But even if that doesn't pan out, Lou is happy enough to let things continue as they were and be just another employee. "In a weird way, I matter," she shrugs. Yeah, the way where as soon as you get sick, you're replaced. I think I would be too proud to go back to work for Marg after she did something like that. Then again, I wouldn't have to since I'd be sitting on my piles of money after suing Marg and her Women's Collective for wrongful termination.
Hadley's alone in the meeting room when House comes over for their inevitable chat. "I like you better now that you're dying," he announces. Well, that makes it all worth it, I'm sure. Hadley sighs that she was wrong about both the diagnosis and that Lou could change. She thought the fact that the job almost killed Lou would've meant something. House says that almost dying changes nothing. Actual dying changes everything. Plus, gravestones are expensive.
With that, he goes to Wilson's office, which is almost totally packed except for one mood-light-providing desk lamp. He sincerely says he's sorry, and that he knows it was a freak accident and he didn't want it to happen, he still feels like crap since CTB is dead because of him, and also because that's what Cuddy told him to say so I really don't know if he means it or not. In any case, it doesn't matter. Wilson says he doesn't blame House for CTB's death. He wanted to, and reviewed CTB's case file a hundred times to find a way to do it, but there wasn't one. It wasn't House's fault. "Then ... we're okay?" House asks; "Maybe I can help?" Oh, not so much, House. "We're not okay," Wilson says, getting angry. He isn't leaving because of CTB's death. He told everyone that to protect House from the real reason. And now Wilson says what he's probably wanted to say for either the last two months or however many years he's known House. House is incapable of feeling anything but misery. He spreads it everywhere he goes and manipulates people because he can't have a real relationship. And Wilson has enabled it for years, which lead House to thinking he had the right to call for a ride from the bar at midnight in the first place and CTB's death. The consequences were too high this time, and Wilson is through. "I have to take care of myself. We're not friends anymore, House. I'm not sure we ever were." Oh, ouch. House just stands there, saying nothing but looking like he just got punched in the stomach. Wilson takes his last box and leaves. Wow ... I really didn't see that coming. For that matter, neither did House.
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You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me , which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com , especially if you have a delicious and easy lentil soup recipe to share.