Joy To The World
Updated 2008-12-10 08:55:47
Someone school's Christmas concert is pretty damn sophisticated. They've got people in the rafters sprinkling fake snow and everything! My high school's concerts were never like this. In the wings, a group of kids in private school uniforms claim that the concert sucks even though it has fake snow. The leader of the pack says they need to "make a statement." One girl who is obviously different than the others because she's overweight doesn't want to make any statements that will get her in trouble, but the leader insists that there's strength in numbers and they can't all get a detention. There's, like, ten of them. They sure can all get a detention. The lead girl's assistant chimes in that this is the perfect opportunity to inform Mr. Henderson that he is totally lame. With that, the vocal jazz ensemble takes the stage. They start singing "Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire," and the girl who doesn't belong suddenly has trouble seeing, but keeps singing. Then comes the moment we've all been waiting for, when the jazz ensemble tells lame Mr. Henderson how they really feel. Oh, wait -- everyone stops singing, leaving the reluctant girl to sing "Mr. Henderson is stupid" as a solo. The other kids laugh at her. The audience mutters generically. The piano player is a freaking champ through all of this and just keeps playing. "Why'd you do that?" the girl asks breathlessly, as if she didn't know. She has more trouble seeing, and then she throws up. This time, the piano player stops playing to rush to her aid. Hey, do you guys think that the piano player is the Mr. Henderson we've heard so many bad things about? He seems like a decent enough guy to me.
Cuddy gave herself an early Christmas present of a new hairstyle, complete with overwhelming bangs. She reads off the latest case, although I don't know how she can read anything with all those bangs in her eyes. Seriously, it's not a good look. Here's hoping for a New Year's Resolution trim! The girl from the pre-credits sequence is suffering from vomiting, hallucinations, and a failing liver. House doesn't care about Christmas concerts, so he instead asks why Cuddy is in his meeting room and Foreman is not. Hadley explains that he took some vacation days to finish his FDA reports. Yes, that does sound like a fun vacation. I went to Barcelona this year for my vacation and I didn't bring a single FDA report with me. I thought I had a blast, but now I see that I was seriously missing out. "When are you taking vacation?" House asks Hadley. I'd like to know the answer to that as well. Then again, if Hadley were to go on vacation, we'd probably have to go along with her, and it would be a vacation full of angst. No thank you.
Cuddy says that she's only here to bring House a case, like she's done many times in the past. House thinks she has an ulterior motive -- specifically a sexual interest in someone in the room. Someone like ... "Taub," House says. Taub responds with a hilarious eyebrow raise that manages to show both surprise and interest. Cuddy says that she'll be leaving now, lest Taub get the wrong idea about her feelings for him. Meanwhile, Kumar and Hadley, start making diagnoses. Not Taub! He noticed a Christmas present on the table. The card is addressed to House. Kumar grabs it and reads: "Greg -- made me think of you." House quickly grabs the present and tosses it in the garbage, then expresses surprise that it has not detonated, like most of the things he gets in the mail. Taub takes the present out of the trash while shooting down Hadley's diagnosis of an alcohol problem. He unwraps the present to reveal a book: Manual of the Operations of Surgery by Joseph Bell. Wikipedia tells me that Joseph Bell was a Scottish doctor who was thought to be the inspiration for the character of Sherlock Holmes, who was thought to be the inspiration for the character of House, so this is a very appropriate and generous gift indeed. House throws it in the trash again, saying someone must be screwing with him. The Cottages are feeling particularly mutinous today, so they suggest otherwise, saying that gifts of antique medical textbooks aren't exactly gag gifts and that the writing on the note was feminine, indicating that the gift is from a female admirer. Or Wilson. I suspect he has girly handwriting. "I SAID, 'FORGET THE BOOK!'" House shouts. He changes the subject back to Natalie the patient, wondering why the other kids played that prank on her and how far they took it. Hadley saw Heathers , so she asks if House is saying the other kids slipped Natalie something.
The jazz ensemble kids have been assembled in the OR balcony, where they're interrogated by Kumar and Chase. They all seem to think they're really cool for people who are in a jazz ensemble. In my high school, kids in the chorus were not considered to be cool or particularly badass. I was not in the chorus, and that's why I was so extremely popular. The lead girl responds to the questioning by not bothering to look up from the cell phone she's txting on as she giggles that it's her fault for not stopping Natalie from "being a total pig." Chase takes the phone away from her and says that her "friend's" liver is failing, and if they don't tell him what they gave her, she could die. At this, the lead girl's assistant chickens out and urges the leader to tell the truth. Busted, she admits that they slipped Natalie some shrooms. How do you slip someone shrooms? They have a very distinctive and disgusting taste to them. So I've heard. Lead girl says they took some, too, and they're obviously in perfect health, so that couldn't have been the problem. Even so, Kumar asks if they have any left to test, and now Simon gets dragged into it because he's storing them in his locker. He's also, apparently, the class supplier and drug expert, as he says that hallucinogenic mushrooms are not the same as poisonous ones. "Not if they're not dried correctly," Chase says, even more of a drug expert.
Hadley's still doing her drug trial. She asks Foreman what happened to the woman with the advanced symptoms she had such a hard time dealing with last week. Apparently, they are now firm friends. You can be friends with her all you want, Hadley. It still won't change the fact that you hated your mother to death! "She dropped out," Foreman says. I don't blame her. If I had to deal with Hadley talking to me all the time, I'd drop out, too. Hell, I tried to quit this job six times during that hostage episode two weeks ago. Foreman says the woman didn't give a reason why she quit, and he didn't feel like breaking into her house to find out. He says he only saves that for "very special" patients. They smile at each other. Oh, good. A Foreman-Hadley romance appears to be brewing. Wake me up when it's over. Appointment finished, Hadley takes off, leaving a present for Foreman behind. It's a gift certificate for a day spa and a note: "Thanks for helping me out. XO." Hey, now Foreman can use a vacation day for something vacation-like! That's a nice present from Hadley, although she could have given him a real Christmas card instead of a post-it note.
Taub and Kumar search Simon's locker. Taub is more concerned with why House would throw away an expensive present like that. Kumar quickly finds the shrooms, and Taub suggests searching Natalie's locker while they're at it. Fortunately, her locker is pretty close to Simon's. Kumar tells Taub to drop the present thing, since it's probably just House trying to screwing with them, just like he did last year when he gave himself a Secret Santa gift to trick them into getting him sweet presents. Taub doesn't see what his motive would be this year, and Kumar says that if the book was a real gift from a real mystery person and House's freak out was genuine, then their lives are bound to get more difficult. With that, Kumar finds a huge bottle of Tylenol in Natalie's locker.
For some reason, Cuddy and her new bangs are assigned to ask Natalie if she tried to kill herself with Tylenol. Natalie claims they were just for headaches. I got headaches when I was a teenager, too, but I always stocked my locker with a small bottle of ibuprofen, which is much better for headaches than Tylenol anyway. I certainly didn't go for the comically huge bottle. That thing wouldn't even have fit in my backpack! Natalie changes the subject to Cuddy and if she has kids. Wow, she unintentionally went right for the jugular there, didn't she? Either that, or House put a sign on Cuddy's back that read "ask me about my barren womb." Cuddy says she doesn't, but she was in high school herself not too long ago, so she knows how cruel the other kids can be. Natalie doubts it, saying that Cuddy probably had a fine time in school because she's pretty. "You're pretty, too," Cuddy says. "I'm fat. I'm a loser. They all hate me," Natalie says. Last year, they took pictures of her and said they were for the yearbook, then put them up on a website devoted to making fun of her. That can't be any worse than getting a guest starring role on a TV show as an unpopular fat kid. And did they have to name her Natalie? Someone on the writing staff has fond memories of The Facts of Life . Can't wait for next season, when we meet a patient named Tootie who is the only black person she knows until she gets a boyfriend in the later seasons. "Forget about them," Cuddy says. Yeah, easy for her to say. Although now that the entire jazz ensemble has presumably been expelled for slipping Natalie those hallucinogenic drugs, there will be nine less tormentors the next time she goes to school, so that should be an improvement. "Let's just make you better," Cuddy says. "What's the point?" Natalie asks, so emo.
Cuddy talks to Natalie's parents (nice of them to finally stop by) in the hall. She says if Natalie's liver failure was caused by a Tylenol overdose then they have to act now to save it. But the father stubbornly refuses, saying there's no way Natalie OD'd. Mom says that Natalie was the nicest, sweetest little girl until puberty hit last year. Last year? Isn't Natalie supposed to be sixteen? Pay attention, Mom -- puberty hit three to five years ago! Now she's a teenager and Mom can't get through to her. She thinks Cuddy should give her the treatment. She doesn't know her daughter well enough to say she didn't OD. Dad agrees.
Taub and Kumar care way too much about House's present, and go to Wilson for advice. He doesn't think it's a big deal until they say the book was written by Bell. Then he asks if it came with a note. Kumar recites it, and Wilson is able to guess the color of the wrapping paper the present was wrapped in. But he's reluctant to give the Cottages further details, which drives them crazy. Wilson finally talks. He says House had a patient named Irene Adler (you'll recognize that name if you're familiar with Sherlock Holmes or looked it up in Wikipedia, like I did) around Christmas time about seven years ago, and House got obsessed with her case and finding out what was wrong with her. He finally figured out it was Wegener's at the last minute. Wilson says he never saw House work that hard on a case. When it was over, House fell in love with Irene, but it was too soon after breaking up with Stacy (ugh, did he have to mention that name? I was hoping it would never be mentioned ever again like all those other unsuccessful story arcs) so he never pursued it. "Irene was the one who got away," Wilson says. "Really?" Kumar asks. Of course not, Wilson says. Good. I didn't believe it for a second, so I'm glad they didn't draw it out. Wilson says House is screwing with them -- the present is from Wilson, and he gave it to House last year. And House kept it on the table all this time? And no one noticed it until now? And since when did Wilson call House "Greg?" And who memorizes freaking wrapping paper??? Anyway, points for me for calling it that Wilson writes like a girl! With that, Kumar and Taub are paged.
Natalie is coughing up blood. Looks like Cuddy's OD treatment isn't making things better, which also means that Natalie didn't OD.
After the break, House and Cuddy are at the Whiteboard O'Symptoms. House crosses the hallucinations off, since they were from the shrooms, and adds a pulmonary edema to the list. He also adds "Cuddy," which is not one of Natalie's symptoms. He just wants to know why she's there. Taub explains that Hadley and Foreman were busy with the drug trial, so they called Cuddy in to help. Wait, what? Since when did fellows dare call the Dean of freaking Medicine in to help them do their jobs? Please. "Convenient," House says, narrowing his eyes at her. Cuddy leaves. "This is a good experience for me as my parents never got divorced," Taub says. Heh. Kumar and Hadley's parents didn't get divorced either, although maybe they would have if it wasn't for their tragic early deaths. House asks for diagnoses. "Glue-sniffing," Hadley says. Not sure if that's a diagnosis or her nightly to-do list that she accidentally said out loud. Taub doesn't care about Natalie because he'd rather figure out the mystery present. He guesses that it's from Cuddy. House says no. Hadley comes forward with more medical stuff because she doesn't know what's going on or why Taub cares about the present so much. Taub stands up and comes forward with a diagnosis of love. As in, Cuddy is in love with House. At this, Hadley and Kumar share a fun smile. "I told you to LAY OFF the present!" House growls. Taub doesn't back down, though. He says House needs to go to Cuddy's office and tell her how he feels. And if he won't, Taub will. "Damn it. A love like this needs to fly free," he says. Kumar and Hadley snicker, Hadley still not knowing what's going on but enjoying the ride. House figures out that they talked to Wilson and know the present was from him. The jig, whatever it was, is up. House says he should have just wrapped a new present instead of using an old one. I think he should have unwrapped the old present last year because that was a cool gift and now it's in the trash. With that, House asks Kumar about Natalie's volunteer work. Apparently, she works in a soup kitchen in deepest darkest Trenton. Hadley and Kumar get to search Natalie's home and school for toxins. For ruining House's annual Christmas screw with the underlings fun time, Taub gets to swab the asses of soup kitchen regulars. Taub's expression goes from smug victory to resigned defeat in 0.2 seconds.
House goes to PPTH's soup kitchen -- the cafeteria. He finds Wilson there, and gets mad at him for giving away his little gift mystery. Wilson's just mad that House never unwrapped his present in the first place. House says he didn't know it was an expensive book. House has missed the point of presents, and why they are wrapped. Wilson is annoyed that his gift was sacrificed for a "completely meaningless prank." House begs to differ -- he thinks observing his team's reactions to his mystery gift and mystery gift-giver could have been useful. It wouldn't, though. It's been done on this show before. Wilson asks House why, out of all the ways he could have messed with his underlings, did he choose a present. "You checked the prices for fireman strippers recently?" House asks. Wilson's answer is a perfectly disappointed "yes." But he must follow this up with some Wilsychoanalysis. He says that House has a hard time being alone during the holidays when everyone else has family and friends, so he gave himself a fake gift to compensate. That's still better than two years ago, when he OD'd. Hooray for improvement! Also, it wasn't exactly a fake gift -- it was a real gift, from a real friend. Wilson says that if House was nice, he could get more real presents. House scoffs that if he wanted gifts, he'd do the fake nice thing that Wilson does. Wilson doesn't think House could pull it off, judging by the fact that he can't even refer to the theoretical patient as anything other than Mrs. Moron. House sees right through him, saying he's just trying to get House to try to prove him wrong and be nice to his patients during the holiday season. Wilson admits that's what he's trying to do, even though he knows it won't work. "You're right," House says. But not about it not working. "I've gotta stop being such a jerk," he says, looking all serious and sad. WHAAAA???? Has House's heart grown three sizes this episode? Oh wait -- he follows that up by stealing Wilson's ice cream sandwich. Even though he already has an ice cream sandwich of his own, which he made Wilson pay for in the first place.
Hadley has managed to track down the woman from the drug trials. She's sitting in the waiting room of what I'm assuming is her group home, and she has a name now: Janice. Hadley introduces herself, but Janice remembers her. Hadley asks if there's anything she can do to help Janice get back in the drug trial, but Janice says she left because of Foreman. "He's a great neurologist. He's a great guy," Hadley says. I guess too much ecstasy really does rot your brain. When has Foreman ever shown himself to be a great guy? Janice laughs at the idea that anyone could like Foreman. I like Janice. She says that when she complained to Foreman about the drugs giving her an upset stomach, he just gave her an antacid. Hadley says that that's a side effect of the drugs they were warned about, and Foreman did all he could do for her. Apparently not. He could have been nice, Janice says. Instead, he just told her to "get over it." Hadley makes a face like "sounds familiar." But while Foreman's get over it spurred her into action, it had the opposite effect on Janice. She says she knows she doesn't have much time, with or without the drugs. So she's selective about how she spends it and who she spends it with. Hadley might want to take a page out of Janice's book and get a job working for a guy who doesn't make fun of her for having a terminal illness.
Taub returns to PPTH with a diagnosis: tuberculosis. Apparently, one of the homeless people Natalie had close contact with was exhibiting some tell-tale signs of it, and the symptoms fit Natalie's perfectly. And that's how Taub got out of doing anal swabs. Good for him. Meanwhile, House is putting a white lab coat on for the first time since Vogler. He tells Taub to treat Natalie for TB and heads for the Clinic, even though, as Taub points out, he doesn't have Clinic duty today (or, like, ever anymore). "Who says it's a duty?" House asks. Hooray for opposite day!
"Hi, I'm Greg!" he says, entering an exam room. The patient introduces herself as Whitney. She has a terrible headache. "Oooh, I'm sorry to hear that. I'll get you fixed up," House says, pulling up a chair. He also offers her water, coffee, even peppermint tea. Peppermint tea? I thought only nurses prepared that! This is madness! Whitney says it's nice of House to offer, especially since Clinic doctors are usually so rushed. Way to complain about the free doctors, bitch. The doctors I pay $360 a month for health insurance to see are also rushed. Anyway, Whitney's headache is at the base of her skull, which House instantly recognizes as a pregnancy-related issue. He assures her it will fade by her third trimester. "I'm not in school," Whitney says. House has to take a minute to breath so he won't explode with insults at her stupidity, then explains that by "trimester" he means, "pregnant." But there's a problem -- Whitney doesn't seem to be aware that she's pregnant. At this, House has a hard time remaining fake nice and makes fun of Whitney for not recognizing the many tell-tale signs of pregnancy, like missing her period, getting fat, and even putting motion sickness patches on to deal with the morning sickness she didn't realize was morning sickness. "I'm a virgin. So's my fiancé," Whitney says. "I believe him ," House says pointedly. Whitney asks if there's another way she could get pregnant. Like sitting on a toilet seat. Full of fresh sperm. "There would need to be a guy sitting between you and the toilet seat," House barks. He storms off, angry at himself for failing his nice mission.
Meanwhile, Natalie (remember her?) has a seizure. That rules out TB, and puts brain involvement back on the Whiteboard O'Symptoms. Cuddy reappears, too, since she's still involving herself in this case. Cuddy ignores House and says that Natalie's liver is seriously failing now, and they need to put her on the transplant list. Oh, no, don't do that! It will only give the Evil Transplant Committee what it wants for Christmas: the opportunity to sentence an innocent child to death by rejecting her request for a new liver. House focuses instead on the fact that Cuddy keeps coming back to work on this case. Either she has the hots for House and really hates the patient, or she has the hots for the patient and really hates House. Or maybe there's just no Dean of Medicining to do today. Cuddy just says she's just looking out for Natalie because she's a "nice kid" and suggests hepatic fibrosis. Hadley turns that down. House asks Cuddy if Natalie reminds her of her in high school, then decides that Cuddy is too attractive to have been unpopular. Was that ... a compliment? But he follows that up by saying it must be the emotional fallout of Cuddy's failed adoption. The Cottages are just like, "uh ... awkward?" Hadley's expression here is especially great. I think she might have even given the camera a quick "did you see that?" look like Jim does on The Office . Cuddy denies that one thing has anything to do with the other, and Kumar speaks up to says that the shrooms might have had something to do with Natalie's condition after all. They aren't toxic per se, but if Natalie's allergic to mold, they would be. Hadley doesn't think so, pointing out that Natalie ate the shrooms days ago, so she should be better by now. House says the shrooms could have given her a fungal infection, causing her symptoms to linger and get worse. They go off to test for that.
Hadley goes to see Foreman instead. He thanks her for the gift. She tells him what Janice said, and Foreman doesn't see a problem with telling her to get over her nausea, nor is he willing to call her and apologize. This earns him a "you're acting like House" from Hadley. Obviously, he strongly objects to this. He says that he wasn't being cruel or manipulative with Janice. Hadley says he kind of was being manipulative when he told her to get over it, since it got her to get serious about the drug trial. He did that to help Hadley. The only way he thinks he can help Janice is to make sure she follows her regimen. Being nice and compassionate apparently doesn't go hand in hand with that. Hadley doesn't like this at all. "You're not acting like House. You are like him," she says. Ooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhh snap. But the joke's on her, because now she has to get House a day spa gift certificate, too.
Whitney stupidly brings her fiancé Jeff to the Clinic to seek out House's expert opinion that it is possible to get pregnant from a toilet seat. Oh, give it up, Whitney. You cheated on your fiancé and did it stupidly, so now you're pregnant. Deal with the situation as it stands and stop trying to make it worse! Why do you want to save your relationship? Jeff is clearly not someone you want to be with or you wouldn't have cheated on him in the first place. Unlike that other guy, House isn't going to throw Whitney a bone here. He will not tell Jeff that Whitney could have gotten pregnant from a toilet seat. Whitney begs him to come up with something that would explain how her virgin self could have gotten pregnant, and House says there was a case once of a Civil War soldier who was shot in the crotch (the South fought dirty) and both his ball and the bullet went flying into some poor woman's uterus, impregnating her. Whoa, is that true? I'll have to look it up. Sadly, Wikipedia is of no help this time, as a search for "Civil War pregnancy" pulls up an article about the Rwandan genocide, and that is not something I want to read about. Snopes did come through, though. It's an urban legend, and it's not true. Jeff looks at Whitney, wondering if she could have been shot without telling him. Doubtful. "Also maybe she cheated on you," House says. Jeff is upset. Whitney says they do "other stuff" in bed -- maybe Jeff's sperm "made it up there somehow." House says it's more likely that another man's penis made it up there somehow. Jeff demands a paternity test. House mutters to Whitney to lie to Jeff that an amino paternity tests this early in the fetus' development is dangerous, but Whitney surprises House by insisting on a test.
Natalie is negative for mold allergy, so that diagnosis is wrong. Kumar reassures Natalie that they'll figure out what's wrong with her sooner or later, and that if she doesn't want to talk about the bullying at school with her parents, there are other people she can talk to. Natalie cuts him off and says she'll be fine. Kumar notes her positive attitude, and Natalie says she's doing her homework, which cheers her up because she's "such a dork." Homework used to cheer me up, too, but that was only when it was math homework and the answers were in the back of the book. Apparently, Simon just brought it to her, which Kumar finds odd enough to page security. Yeah. Like they're going to do anything.
Apparently, PPTH's crack security squad is able to stop people. Children, but still. The new team Cuddy hired after firing everyone after the hostage crisis seems to be working out so far! They stop Simon on the way out, and Kumar confronts him. Simon says he was just bringing her homework, but Kumar doesn't think so. He says Simon wasn't being compassionate when he bullied her and supplied those drugs, so he doubts he is now. Kumar suspects that guilt is motivating Simon instead, and demands to know what Simon feels guilty for. Simon says nothing, and Kumar threatens to turn his mushrooms in to the cops and calls him a "slimy little jerk." Why haven't they turned the shrooms over already? Those kids should be in jail for drugging their classmate! Apparently they haven't even gotten suspended from school for it. Taub pulls Kumar away and accuses him of taking out his own childhood pain of being bullied out on Simon. Kumar denies being bullied as a child, but Taub is pretty sure that "the Indian foster kid whose parents were shot right in front of him" got plenty of shit. Really? I'm pretty sure kids stay away from making fun of other kids whose parents were tragically killed. Kids whose parents are morbidly obese and collect so much trash that it fills the trunk and backseat of the station wagon, perhaps. But those parents are alive and stuff. Kumar cools off and turns back to Simon. Simon says Kumar doesn't understand -- he used to be friends with Natalie until she became unpopular and he had to distance himself from her so he wouldn't be unpopular, too. By the way, Natalie used to be a big drinker, thanks to Simon using his brother's ID to buy a big supply to sell to his classmates. Simon is hooked UP, you guys. Does he really think talking to Natalie will make him unpopular when he can supply everyone with alcohol and drugs? Please. He says Natalie used to buy a couple bottles of vodka A WEEK. She only stopped buying from him when she got her own ID.
When Cuddy talks to her, Natalie denies drinking now, although she admits that she used to. Cuddy says they can't get Natalie on a transplant list until they know why her liver is failing, so she has to tell the truth. But Natalie insists that she hasn't had a drink in six months, and she didn't even drink that much back then -- she bought plenty of vodka, but didn't drink it. She only bought the vodka because Simon was selling it and they used to be friends. Buying vodka from him was the only way she could get him to talk to her. But when Cuddy asks Natalie why she stopped buying alcohol from Simon and said she got her own ID, Natalie doesn't have an answer. For this, she gets a look into the Life of Cuddy. Cuddy has always been good at school and work, but lousy at life and relationships, so she didn't think kids were for her. Until she got older and now it's too late. So ... she should have had kids before, when her ovaries were ready but she wasn't, just in case she might regret not having them later? That's a terrible plan! "How you feel now will pass. Don't let it screw up your whole life," Cuddy begs. Natalie says it's too late for that, seeing as she's dying. She kind of has a point.
House has the white coat on again, and he's giving the nice thing a second try. This time, Anna is complaining that her recent asthma diagnosis must be wrong, since the medicine they gave her for it isn't working. House is very understanding and says sometimes doctors (not patients!) make mistakes. Being nice apparently means telling people that their doctors are incompetent. He asks Anna if she's using her inhaler correctly. "Do I look like an idiot?" Anna asks indignantly. House is forced to say no. Being nice can't be worth passing up great insults like this, can it, House? He asks her to demonstrate how she uses her inhaler, and Anna sprays it on each side of her neck like it's perfume.
House couldn't resist, as the next time we see Anna, she's leaving the Clinic muttering that her doctor was a jerk. Whatever, Anna. You need to accept responsibility for your incredible stupidity in not knowing the first thing about how to use a freaking inhaler. You're like sixty years old! You've never seen a fucking asthma medicine commercial? They do a cartoon cross section and everything! Cuddy updates House on Natalie's condition, saying she suspects that Natalie isn't being honest with her. House doesn't think Natalie would rather die than admit to drinking, but Cuddy says Natalie is depressed and either wants to die or wants the attention that dying gets her. If that's the case, then they should put Hadley in there to tell her off that dying isn't worth attention. Except that Hadley might kind of think that it is, so maybe not her. I know! Taub can lie that he has Huntington's again. House gives up on why Natalie is so important to Cuddy and tells her to tell Kumar to start Natalie on benzodiazepine for the seizures and/or alcohol withdrawal.
House won't be spending any time on Natalie's case today because he's too busy with Whitney and Jeff. The DNA test results are in, and ... he seems very surprised as to what they say. He doesn't tell the couple what they are, though. Instead, he gravely tells them to stay put and leaves the room looking spooked.
Foreman's still in clinical trial land. Some random blonde lady walks in and notices that he's been there all night. Foreman says he got caught up reading a file. He asks the woman if he should pursue the patient who dropped out, and she says no. People drop out of clinical trials all the time. Foreman says it'd be easy to get her to come back, so he might as well. "They're not people," blonde lady says. Oh. Ew. She says you can't see your patients as people or even patients: "they're numbers." House sees people as numbers, too! Do I sense ... a love connection? I should hope not! House and Cuddy together 4eva! Foreman says a friend of his has Huntington's, so he can't do that. Blonde tells him to shut up. If he has a personal stake in this, the study will be skewed. This is about results, not human relationships. "You know that -- you work for House. Why do you think I brought you on as my partner?" she says. Who are you, random blonde lady?
And Natalie's getting worse. Now her heart rate is slowing down.
Six hours later, House returns to the exam room. Jeff and Whitney are still there, and Jeff asks if he's the father. House says he isn't -- but Whitney didn't cheat on him. See, what happened is the egg had some gene mutations and a calcium spike caused it to start splitting and dividing without being fertilized by sperm. It's called parthenogenesis (asexual reproduction), and while it happens in insects, plants, and some lizards all the time, it was only a theory that it could happen naturally in humans -- until now. House shows the couple the DNA tests, and sure enough, Whitney and the baby's are exactly the same. He says he checked the results five times, and each time that's what came up. In seven months, Whitney will have a virgin birth. But if it's just her DNA, will she give birth to a clone of herself? How horrible! "Merry Christmas," House says, while "Joy to the World" swells in the background. Jeff is amazed and looks to the heavens.
The next day, House bounds into the meeting room ready to tell everyone about his latest Clinic patient. Cuddy doesn't want to hear it because Natalie's liver is still failing (slowly but surely) and now she's having heart trouble. Kumar says all structural tests on Natalie's heart came back normal, and a slowed heart rate is the opposite of what would happen if this were from alcohol withdrawal. So that's out. House asks Hadley for some blood test results. Her answer causes Cuddy to say "it can't be leukemia" and both her and House to leave the room. By the way, I've just noticed a Christmas tree in the corner of the meeting room -- who put that there? Taub is Jewish, Hadley has Huntington's, and Foreman doesn't give a shit. I guess it was Kumar? Or maybe Cameron snuck in one night and did it for old time's sake.
House and Cuddy report to Wilson's office. He agrees that the blood test result can only be explained by leukemia and they should start Natalie on chemo. House wants to do a bone marrow biopsy to confirm the diagnosis first, which pisses Cuddy off since House almost always treats before confirmation. Now that time is off the essence, he's stalling. "Why are you so attached to this girl?" House asks. Then he realizes that he's exposed too much of himself by taking a personal interest in Cuddy's personal interest and leaves the call up to Cuddy and takes off. Cuddy doesn't understand why House doesn't want to treat Natalie. Wilson has to explain that even if they kill the cancer, Natalie's heart and liver are too far gone. Cuddy says they can be replaced, but Wilson points out that there's brain involvement, too, so the committee won't waste its precious organs on a risk like that. He says there's no point in putting a dying girl through a painful treatment that won't save her. "He's being kind," Wilson says. Ah, Opposite Day.
Foreman visits Janice in her waiting room. He tells her that there's another trial going on for the same Huntington's drug, but at a lower dose. That means reduced nausea. He's willing to switch her to that trial if she wants. He leaves the forms on the table out of Janice's reach, which is kind of mean since it's not like Janice can really fill them out or even pick them up.
Cuddy barges into House's office. She won't accept defeat or leukemia. She comes up with some more diagnoses as she hands House his mail. He starts to ask her why she cares so much about this patient again, but is distracted by a Christmas present in his mail. A big smile on his face, he heads for Wilson's office. Cuddy tags along, and he explains that he got a thank you present from a patient after he saved her marriage by lying to her husband that she managed to get pregnant without having sex. Yeah, I had a feeling that's what happened. No way did an unprecedented medical miracle occur and medical journals weren't informed. By the way, I looked parthenogenesis up on Wikipedia, and it says that the resulting baby would have to be female. So Whitney better cross her fingers that she has a girl. And that whoever she cheated on Jeff with is actually intelligent so that poor baby has a chance to get some brains! House opens Wilson's office door, tosses the package at him with an "I win!" and closes the door again. "You faked a scientific miracle just to win a bet with Wilson?" Cuddy says, summing things up nicely. That'll go into my recaplet, thankyouverymuch.
House returns to his office, very satisfied with himself that instead of giving Jeff and Whitney fake results that said he somehow managed to get her pregnant, he got into the "Christmas spirit" and gave her a fake virgin birth. "You're confusing nice and evil again," Cuddy says wearily, her dying favorite patient well forgotten about. But then ... Cuddy gets an expression on her face we normally only see on House's: epiphany face! Or as someone in the forums awesomely named it, 9:47 face! In a true Christmas miracle, Cuddy actually comes up with the diagnosis: eclampsia. And in a true Christmas House episode, House follows that up by saying that not only is it curtains for Natalie, but her baby's dead, too. JINGLE BELLS!
Cuddy gets to break the news to Natalie and her parents at the same time. Natalie's mom is familiar with eclampsia, saying it's a pregnancy disease. Unlike Whitney, Natalie's mom is familiar with pregnancy-related illnesses. She's not sure how Natalie could get it, since she isn't pregnant -- they tested when she was admitted, and it was negative. Cuddy says Natalie isn't pregnant -- anymore. You can get eclampsia up to a month after giving birth. Dad doesn't think so. "How could she hide a pregnancy?" he asks. "Loose clothes. She's heavy to begin with," Cuddy says. Damn. Just a half hour ago, she was telling Natalie she was pretty. Now she's fat. Let us also consider the incredibly inattentive parents. You have to be on another planet not to notice that your only child is pregnant. "It was probably premature," Cuddy says. It explains why Natalie stopped drinking and why she feels so guilty. And also why she isn't denying it. "I'm sorry," she says. And who's the father? Well, in a scientific miracle gone bad, it was parthenogenesis again! Not, not really. It was Simon. They were secretly dating. He didn't know she was pregnant and she was hoping to hide the pregnancy from everyone and give the baby away. But then people somehow found out at school (meaning Natalie's bullies were more attentive than her own parents) and then she went into premature labor when she was working at the soup kitchen. So she ran down the street and gave birth in an empty house. But the baby wasn't breathing, so she left it there instead of calling an ambulance or telling anyone. Cuddy cries because she hates seeing babies go to waste like that. Mom just wants to know if Natalie will be okay for her upcoming trial for negligent homicide. Not so much, Cuddy says: "the damage to the heart and liver are permanent." "I'm gonna die?" Natalie realizes. That's right -- House is celebrating Christmas with a dead teenager patient <>and her dead baby. This show is evil. "I didn't even bury her," Natalie says; "I just put my coat over her." Yeah, and then you walked home in the cold without a coat and caught eclampsia, so there.
Cuddy goes to the abandoned house (alone, like an idiot. But looking stylish, especially since her hat blocks the bangs from view) and looks around with a rather tiny flashlight. You're not looking for a contact lens, you're looking for a dead baby, Cuddy! Upgrade to something bigger, better, and more powerful! She finds a crack den, completely with an assortment of spoons and needles on the coffee table. Oh, and here's the crack addict they belong too! He's not happy to see her, but she persists, saying she's a doctor and she's looking for a dead baby. The guy's girlfriend/wife walks in the room ... holding a baby. Cuddy knows that there's no way she gave birth to it. Apparently, Cuddy can tell by looking at a woman whether or not she gave birth three weeks ago. Unless, of course, that woman is Natalie. Whoops! The woman claims the baby is her sister's. Cuddy says the baby needs medical attention and someone who can take care of her properly. The woman saved her life. "Now you have to let her go," Cuddy says. I wasn't expecting this at all. I thought that baby was so dead. I'm still not sure how it's alive. Maybe someone else gave birth and left their baby behind the day after Natalie did?
Cuddy returns to PPTH with a live baby. She gives her to Natalie to hold. Despite being premature, the baby is huge. Those crack heads fed her well. "People found her and took care of her," Cuddy says, not adding the obvious "unlike you." "She's beautiful," Natalie says. Simon stops by with some more homework and sees Natalie with the baby. Kumar nods that it's his. Now everyone's going to know Simon had sex with Natalie and he's going to be really unpopular at school after all.
While the rest of PPTH parties in the lobby (what an amazing Christmas party that must have been. Bad economy, co-workers recently taken hostage by a gun-wielding madman ... ) Kumar walks past them all looking angry. Cameron stops him and asks if they were able to get Natalie her transplants. Of course not -- the committee turned down the request and the appeal. Natalie has a few days to live. Her baby will be raised by a single teenage dad. Kumar takes off.
He finds an apartment. The guy who answers the door doesn't recognize him, but Kumar tells him his name and then apologizes for all the horrible things he did and said to him back in high school. Kumar's only, what, ten or twelve years out of high school and he looks so different that the guy he tormented didn't recognize him? Oh well, it's all good now. That guy's going to get a coupon for House's online second opinion clinic.
House finds Cuddy with Natalie's baby. She tells him that Natalie and Simon's parents decided to put her up for adoption. Your daughter dies, and you put her daughter up for adoption because it's "too painful?" Really, parents? That's a terrible decision. That baby is your consolation prize for losing your daughter! Come on! But it's all good for Cuddy, because now she's going score herself a kid. I have a feeling that she convinced the parents to give the baby up for adoption just like she convinced the crack heads to give it up. She somehow sensed all along that Natalie gave birth to a secret child and that's why she was so attached to her all episode. It was all her elaborate plan to finally become a mother. The bangs were somehow involved too, but I haven't figured out how. "Merry Christmas, Cuddy," House says. He leaves the room slowly and sadly. Cuddy doesn't even notice him. She only has room in her heart for one needy child. She picked the wrong one, in my opinion.
It's not over yet! Hadley finds Foreman and says she heard Janice is back on the trial. He says it's his Christmas gift to Hadley. Not to the random blonde lady. She's going to regret bringing him on as her partner. Hope you like skewed results, RBL! Hadley says she was wrong about Foreman being House. Then they make out. I saw this coming from a mile away, but that doesn't mean I have to like it. Kumar and Taub have better chemistry than Foreman and Hadley do, but their names don't combine into a clever portmanteau like Foreteen.
That's it for 2008! See you next year!
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me , which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com . Happy holidays!
See what ails the doctors at PPTH .