Joy
Updated 2008-10-29 09:04:01
So we're in some weird guy's apartment where the colors are dull and muted for symbolic purposes. The man blankly makes several cups of coffee on a line-up of different machines on his kitchen counter, but only sniffs each cup before dumping it down the sink. The weird guy's weird daughter walks in and says she has a make-up test at school today and exposits that both father and daughter are friend-less. I can't imagine why! They seem like such fun. The girl leaves, and the man looks at the clock (8:10) before reaching for another pot of coffee. Except this pot is empty. All of them are. The man is confused, but heads for the kitchen cabinet to grab some more coffee, only to turn around and find the coffee pots are now gone and the camera lens has gone all weird and made everything look distorted. The man is freaking out, and then his daughter returns. "What'd you forget?" he asks, staring directly at the camera. Um, no. Do not have characters staring at the camera, please. Only Zack Morris may do that, and this man is not Zack Morris. The daughter doesn't understand what the problem is, since she's just returning from school at the time she said she would -- 4:30. The man looks at his clock and is shocked to see that it is, in fact, 4:30. He just lost over eight hours. And his coffee machines. Either that, or the daughter and his household appliances are trying to gaslight him. The man puts his coffee can down to rub his face, only to suddenly find himself seated at his coffee table in front of his sweet laptop. Is that a Macbook Air? He seems way too dull for something that flashy.
House arrives at work to find Cuddy waiting for him, slightly annoyed that he's late. She hands House a new case, saying it's a man suffering from blackouts unrelated to drugs, alcoholism, or epilepsy. With that, she looks positively cheerful, and House decides he can't have that at all. He tells her to slow her roll, since even though an adoption agency approved her, that doesn't mean a birth mother will want to give her baby to her. "It is an interesting case," Cuddy says, walking away. House asks her what time her appointment with the birth mother is, and Cuddy is shocked and appalled that he's had his PI following her. I think she's partly happy, too, though, since she may or may not be interested in Lucas. House says he figured it out all by himself -- her non-reaction to him saying no one will want her to adopt her kid means that she must already know that there's someone out there who does. Cuddy is so pleased that she can't help but tell House that she is, in fact, meeting a woman who's due in two weeks. House accuses the unborn child of being a crackbaby, and Cuddy is indignant but has to admit that the mother did use meth in the past. "This is a mistake," House says. Why? Because, House explains, Cuddy is a terrible person and thus will not be a good mother. House is an asshole, but again, Cuddy is too happy to be hurt, and says she won't be changing her mind about this adoption. House is not happy about this.
While the Cottages attempt to diagnose their new patient, House is busy writing a chart on the Whiteboard O'Symptoms, now the Whiteboard of Cuddy Betting Pools. House tells the Cottages about Cuddy's upcoming bundle of joy and takes bets on when in the next two weeks Cuddy will change her mind about adopting. As House explains it, Cuddy changing her mind is inevitable, since when he told her she would, she immediately said she wouldn't, which means that she must have considered changing her mind at some point and therefore isn't ready to be a mother and will change her mind in the end. There were way too many steps there. It must be hard to be House and have your mind always analyzing every single thing to make these leaps of logic. Foreman doesn't want to bet, saying he knows Cuddy's wanted a kid for three years (how does he know that, exactly? I didn't think she made that public knowledge), so she'll hold onto the one she finally has. The rest of the Cottages are at a loss for words, so Taub just goes back to the patient. And then -- oh, no. Deran Sarafian directed this episode. My arch-nemesis! But he has reined things in in his last couple episodes, so maybe he's turned over a new leaf where we don't stick a camera in someone's nostril or shoot one quadrant of a forehead. I'm choosing to be optimistic.
House draws a baby head on the Whiteboard, and Kumar thinks it's so great that he decides to place a bet, going for the 7-14 day category. Hadley is annoyed with Kumar for betting against Cuddy, but Kumar says he's only betting she'll make a decision that will be the right one for her. Plus, he's sucking up to his boss. He asks House not to put his real name down, so House writes "Skutner." As for House, he's betting it will be less than 7 days, and writes down "Jones" for his bet. Hee hee. Hadley shows surprising restraint and does not bet, thereby not adding gambling to her lengthy list of vices. With that, House sends Taub and Hadley to the patient's house to look for toxins.
Back at the house, the colors are again really washed out, which makes the girl's room all the creepier when Taub checks it out. There's one doll on the bed, but it, like the rest of the room, lacks any kind of personality. "This is no way to raise a kid," Taub says. "He's a single dad. I'm sure he's doing his best," Hadley says. "Which is why single people shouldn't have kids," Taub says. Yes, because all single parents hate color and giving their kids toys. Hadley gets all pissy on Cuddy's behalf, but Taub interrupts her to give her his unsolicited take on the traditional American family. He thinks all mothers are single mothers, since the fathers rarely spend any time with their kids anyway. Well, I'm glad Taub isn't a father. And I don't know how or why he can really make that generalization. "My dad was great," Hadley says; "after my mom died -- " Taub interrupts her to say there are exceptions to every rule. Ha! He doesn't even want to hear her DeadMother story. I forgive him. And then he insults her father's parenting abilities by pointing out that she's pretty screwed up for someone with such a great upbringing. Hadley doesn't know what to say about that, but she seems like she might agree with him as she either chews gum or suffers from the first symptoms of Huntington's (please let it be the latter!).
While Taub looks out a window, Hadley reports that she didn't find any booze, meds, or drugs in the apartment, probably because she ingested them all already. Taub scorns the apartment's view, which is of the turnpike. Also, it's various shades of blue. Hadley doesn't think much of that, saying it probably made the apartment cheaper, and their patient is a "pragmatist." "He's a flagellant," Taub says. I thought he said "flatulent" at first, and spent quite some time typing up an entire paragraph wondering how bad views meant you must fart a lot. And then, Hadley randomly finds some mold growing out of a baseboard. She rips the baseboard off to get a sample and ruin patient Jerry's chances of getting his security deposit back while Taub chalks its presence up to a man cleaning the apartment instead of a woman. Because women are better at that kind of thing. Since when did Taub step out of a time warp from the 1950s?
Back at PPTH, Hadley takes some samples from the daughter, Samantha, and runs tests to see if she's suffering from mold exposure. She takes the time to ask Sam what she does in her free time, and the answer is nothing. "Dad works at home and I go to school," she says. Hadley thinks Sam is suffering from some mother-loss issues, and tries to identify with her. But Sam says she doesn't miss her mother since she was only four when she died. "You're strong," Hadley says, looking uneasy in the presence of a girl who doesn't use any and all past life tragedies as an excuse to self-destruct. Sam says she doesn't think death is a big deal. "Yeah," Hadley says, staring straight into the camera. Don't look at me, Hadley.
Hadley finds Foreman in the hallway and says that while Sam is fine physically, she's "weird" mentally. Foreman thinks Sam is just worried about her father, who is actually right there in the hallway, dressed and waiting for the elevator, because patients are allowed to come and go at this hospital. Hadley and Foreman stop him before he can get on it, and he keeps saying he has an appointment. Foreman suspects something's up and takes a look into Jerry's eyes. His pupils are responsive, which means he's not suffering from a seizure. Foreman guesses he's sleepwalking. I'd like to know why a man whose only symptom is blackouts wasn't being more closely watched in the first place.
Back in the meeting room, Taub is thrilled with the sleepwalking since it means that there's nothing wrong with Jerry and they can all go home. Foreman says sleepwalking isn't a diagnosis -- it's a symptom. Kumar is thinking narcolepsy, which I know enough about to know that it doesn't cause eight-hour-long stretches of sleepwalking. House asks how narcolepsy happens, and Hadley gets all pissy and says if he knows the answer he should just say it, rather than dragging it out. I think he's trying to help you guys learn, Hadley. And shouldn't you show a little bit more respect after he generously gave you your job back? Try fading into the background for a while. A long while. Kumar says there could be an environmental trigger, but Taub says they already checked the apartment for toxins and didn't find anything but that mold, which isn't harmful. House says the toxin might be from somewhere other than the house, and Hadley calls him obnoxious before saying that Jerry doesn't leave the house, according to both him and his daughter. "Which proves he never goes anywhere else ... when ... he's ... " House says, looking for a Cottage to finish his sentence. But they are all stupid, so they stare at him blankly for a while until Taub finally comes up with "conscious." House tells them to go home with Jerry and see where he goes when he's asleep.
Cuddy enters a coffee shop and looks for a pregnant girl. She finds her sitting at the counter, and tells Becca to call her "Lisa." I always forget that these people have first names. Becca has a plate full of black and white cookies, and says she craves them and eats twelve a day. "Don't you feed my baby junk food!" Cuddy says, throwing the cookies across the room. Okay, she didn't do that. But I bet she thought about it. Becca does point out that the coffee she's drinking is decaf. Because caffeine would be so harmful after exposing the baby to meth. The meeting is a bit awkward, but Becca only has one question for Cuddy: what is she going to name the baby? "I like Joy," Cuddy says. Enh. I'm a fan of Palmolive myself. Oh, she meant as a name. I don't like that name. I don't think people should use nouns as names. It gives you a preconceived notion about the person. Like, I would expect someone named Joy to either be really happy all the time or ironically emo. Becca asks if Cuddy has any questions for her. Cuddy wants to know why, out of all the beautiful wonderful couples on the adoption website, she chose a single mother. Oh, be careful, Cuddy! For all you know, Becca isn't computer-savvy and you were the first person who popped up on the site and she didn't know how to search for anyone else. But no, Becca says she chose a single mother intentionally; she comes from a long line of women who got involved with abusive loser men, and did the same thing herself. Cuddy, however, is a strong independent woman who won't expose her child to losers, and therefore the cycle will be broken. Cuddy makes a mental note to make sure that Becca never, ever meets House lest she withdraw her baby offer upon seeing that Cuddy does, in fact, associate with a abusive loser men. Then she notices a rash on Becca's arm. Cuddy's concerned, and asks Becca if she has joint pain. Becca says she does, but that's one of the joys of pregnancy. Is it really? Thanks a fucking lot, Mother Nature. Cuddy wants to get Becca checked out. If you want to keep that baby safe, Cuddy, you'd best head to St. Sebastian's.
Jerry's back home, working on his Macbook Air with a bunch of sensors on his head to monitor his brainwaves. Hadley and Taub are observing on computers in Sam's bedroom, and Hadley gets so bored that she decides to engage Taub in annoying conversation, asking him if he's sure about not wanting children. Taub tells Hadley that just because they're stuck in a room together does not mean they have to talk to each other. Ha! He hates her. Hadley tries to fire back with: "you're afraid you'll make the same mistake you did with your wife? Get caught taking some other kid to a ball game?" That doesn't even make sense, Hadley. Fortunately, we're spared from any more of it when Jerry's brain goes to sleep. His body doesn't even relax, he just immediately stands up, and Taub notices all kinds of sleep brainwaves while Jerry is sleepwalking, then sleep-removing the sensors, and then sleep-putting-on-his-jacket. Hadley and Taub follow him out the door.
Cuddy has foolishly entrusted Becca and her baby to Cameron, who inspects the rash and isn't concerned. Cuddy still is, and insists that Cameron look at Becca's blood test results before making snap judgments. Cameron goes off to do that, probably happy to be as far away from this hot mess as possible, and Becca respects Cuddy's authority. Cuddy asks Becca if she can deliver the baby at PPTH, since I guess Cuddy gets a wicked employee discount, and Cameron returns with Becca's bloodwork, which is normal. Cameron says that all Becca needs is some topical cream, but Cuddy insists that she admit Becca for a full fetal work-up.
For some reason, Cuddy is consulting with House on the case, and he doesn't give her any good advice, saying she's just being irrational. Cuddy says House would have made the same decision to admit Becca as she did, to which House points out that that doesn't prove he's good parent material. With that, he tosses a cup of white stuff on Cuddy's shirt. He says it's baby barf, fresh from the maternity ward, where they apparently keep it in paper cups. "Well played, sir," Cuddy says, nailing the sarcasm; "you leave me no choice but to change -- my clothes, not my mind!" House has an answer to everything, though, and says that if Cuddy has to change her clothes after a little bit of baby barf (it was a lot bit of baby barf, by the way. Like ten babies' worth), then she's definitely not suited to being a mother and wearing it several times a day. Oh, I think she'll learn. Or she'll buy one of those little towels you put over your shoulder when you burp the baby so that you don't get the stuff on your clothes. It's really not a big deal. Cuddy asks why House cares so much about this, since it's not like he'll ever have anything to do with her child if she knows what's good for it. "I'm a humanitarian," House says.
And now, Deran Sarafian is out of control. Taub and Hadley are in a car following Jerry, and we only see them in the rearview and passenger-side mirrors. So unnecessarily conspicuous! So distracting from the actual show! Why, Deran? Jerry stops and a blonde woman walks up to his car. Taub assumes it's a prostitute, but Hadley isn't so sure. As they pull up, Jerry drives away. Hadley asks the woman what he wanted. "Piss off," she says; "I want to know more about Kumar, and you keep getting all the lines." Hadley orders Taub to go after Jerry now, saying the woman isn't a hooker, but a drug dealer. And a stupid one, because she's just wandering around a bad neighborhood waiting to get jumped or arrested. Taub and Hadley park behind Jerry and enter his car, to find him looking confused and holding a packet of coke. Hadley says their patient is a coke fiend. That doesn't make any sense though, since they said at the beginning of the episode that his tox screen was clean. Coke takes a few days to leave your system, longer if you use the drug often and in large quantities, as coke fiends are wont to do.
Back at PPTH (I think they're hanging out in the cafeteria this time), House practices cutting lines of sugar with a credit card while the Cottages try to figure out if Jerry first used coke when he was awake, and the coke is causing his sleepwalking, or if the sleepwalking happened first and he's only sleep-buying and sleep-using coke. Whichever one it is, I think Jerry is a freaking rock star for being able to buy coke in his sleep. That's amazing. The best thing I ever did in my sleep was cuss someone out. The worst thing I ever did in my sleep was fart. Did you know you can do that? I didn't, but I found out when I fell asleep in 11th grade history class and woke up to the sound of my own fart. It might be the most embarrassing thing that has ever happened to me. So far. Anyway, Hadley thinks Jerry is lying when he says he didn't know he was using coke, probably because she's jealous that he gets to do coke all the time and she can't have a night of ecstasy sex without getting fired. House's theory is that the cocaine is somehow causing Jerry's narcolepsy (which he clearly doesn't have in the first place, and the brain waves they saw when he fell asleep before should pretty much tell them that), and he's forgotten that he took it while awake the first time because it's cut with something that can cause memory loss. "Dealers cut that stuff with all kinds of garbage," Taub agrees. "Great! We'll start him on immediate treatment for all kinds of garbage!" Hadley says. Kumar looks disgusted, and he should. Instead of, say, contributing to the case with some ideas, Hadley just keeps tearing down everyone else's. House says they can find out what's in the batch by buying their own sample. This is not what Taub went into medicine for. Since Hadley is wearing a cool leather jacket, she goes with him.
Becca isn't even in the ER anymore, but Cameron is doing an ultrasound anyway. The baby seems fine and Cuddy is thrilled, both that her baby is healthy and to get a first look at her. But then ... the sad music plays. Uh oh. The baby's lungs are underdeveloped. Cameron says if the baby was born today, she wouldn't be able to breathe, so they're going to make sure that the bun stays in the oven for as long as possible to let those lungs grow. Well, I'm sure that will work out just fine. "It's a good thing Dr. Cuddy brought you in," Cameron is forced to admit. Yeah, and it's a good thing she insisted on further tests for the baby when you were ready to send the birth mother home with some topical cream. Way to be incompetent in front of your boss, Camster.
Taub and Hadley are parked at the lady dealer's corner. Taub asks Hadley how she knew the woman was a dealer and not a hooker. Hadley says she saw money in the dealer's hand and figured she must have just been paid by Jerry for something, and it was way too fast it to be anything sex-related. Oh, I don't know about that. It could've been a quick HJ. Also, the lady dealer is even stupider than I thought if she's walking around with money in her hands. She finally appears, wearing the very latest in white girl dealer fashions. Taub and Hadley jump out of the car, and the dealer is immediately suspicious. Taub takes the lead, even though Hadley is obviously more experienced with this kind of thing, and assures the dealer that they aren't cops. The dealer asks what they want. "Um. I would like to buy some cocaine, please?" Taub says. Ha! I think Hadley put him up to doing the talking just for the comedic effect. Both Hadley and the dealer laugh at Taub, and the dealer gives him packet wrapped in her trademark red and black paper. Very pretty. Taub hands her the cash and immediately drops the packet on the ground. "Thank you!" he says, picking it up. The dealer does not say "you're welcome." Being rude is not a good way to assure yourself repeat business, dealer lady. That's one of the first rules of commerce. Taub wants to throw the packet in the car and get out of there, but Hadley grabs it and rubs a sample of the coke on her gums before pronouncing it "good" like she's in an episode of Miami Vice or something.
While Taub wishes he were anywhere else right now, Hadley walks back to the dealer and demands her shitty stash and not the really good stuff she gives to new customers to get them hooked. "Are you crazy, bitch?" Dealer Barbie says, not at all intimidating. How could she have possibly made it two days as a drug dealer? "I'm just a bitch who knows what she wants," Hadley says. Well, as long as no one is denying that Hadley is a bitch. Meanwhile, Taub is totally hiding behind the big tough terminally ill woman. Hee hee.
House is in Cuddy's office, where she's received a ton of baby supply shipments. Um, why did she have them delivered to work? That's really annoying, when you have to deal with someone's personal shipments. I know this because I used to work in an office where the boss was too cheap to buy a door that unlocked automatically and I was the only person in the front, so I had to get up and walk across the room and open the door every time we got a visitor or a delivery. And then one guy who worked there was getting married and had all of his wedding presents delivered to his workplace, which meant I was getting the door constantly and dragging large boxes of someone else's wedding presents all around the office. My PPTH equivalent had to do the same thing. How selfish of Cuddy. This is why she doesn't have any friends to throw her a baby shower in the first place so she can get all this stuff for free. "All the shopping, none of the stretch marks!" House says. Cuddy tells him this is not a good time. She also points out that she kept her barf-stained shirt on, which only goes to show that she is insecure about House's little tests of her maternal instinct. She tells him that her baby is sick. House doesn't express any sympathy, but asks her if all this is "worth" the unconditional love of a child, which he thinks is fake anyway. "It's unconditional need," he says. If anyone knows unconditional need, it's House, the most unconditionally needy person in the world. And just because your parents didn't love you unconditionally, House, doesn't mean that other parents are the same way. "Don't make this child the victim of your biological clock," he spits. Cuddy forgets herself and gets pissed off and reacts, which is exactly what House wants. She asks if the baby is better off with a mother who isn't ready and did meth seven months ago. "Yes. Because at least she knows she's not qualified for the job," House says. Cuddy doesn't respond, so House knocks her lamp over for attention. He says that's what will happen when the adopted daughter's boyfriend wants to have sex with her on her mother's desk and she doesn't have the self-esteem to say no. Cuddy just tells him he'll be paying for the lamp. "I'm paying for it right now. With wisdom," House says. That is a currency that Cuddy does not accept. "Get out," she orders. Whatever reaction House was hoping to get out of her, he didn't, and he seems very disappointed.
Taub and Hadley are waiting for him outside. They say the coke was cut with milk powder. Aw, look at those lady dealers. Always trying to sneak in a little extra nutrition for their clients! Now those cokeheads won't suffer the ravages of osteoporosis. Hadley says milk powder isn't a toxin, but House says it can be if you're allergic to milk. Taub says that's not the case with Jerry, since he has milk in his house. Taub is totally forgetting that Sam also lives in the apartment, and the milk is for her Cocoa Puffs. House somehow knows that Jerry drinks his coffee black, and no one uses milk for anything except coffee and cereal, apparently. House gets on the elevator, but not before confusing a milk allergy with lactose intolerance. Oh, well; it happens to the best of us. I once confused lactose intolerance with an ulcer. I kept throwing up and getting horrible stomach pains after my nightly ritual of cookies and milk and was so sad that I'd be stuck taking expensive Lactaid pills before consuming dairy for the rest of my life. I was so relieved when I found out I was not lactose intolerant, but merely had a hole in my stomach.
Cuddy's trying to be a doctor and tells Becca that the steroids they're giving her to help the baby's lungs grow faster will make her more prone to infection, so Cuddy's going to admit Becca to PPTH for the next two weeks. Oh, great. Hope you didn't have anything planned for those two weeks, Becca! Becca asks Cuddy if her meth use caused the baby's lung problems. "Could be," Cuddy says through gritted teeth. "You must hate me," Becca says. Oh, shut up, Becca. Cuddy doesn't answer her immediately, since she probably does hate her, then says that Becca's mistakes got her a baby, so it's all good. Becca asks Cuddy if she's scared. Cuddy says she is. "You've got, like, this perfect life," Becca says. "Not yet," Cuddy says. Oh, this is not looking good for the baby at all. And, as if on cue, monitors start beeping wildly. But the baby isn't in trouble -- Becca is. Her heart rate is climbing, and she's bleeding from between her legs. Uh oh.
Back from break, Cuddy has lost her mind and is waiting for House in his office. She says Becca had herself a "Stage 2 placental abruption," which sounds nasty. Becca is losing blood, and would normally deliver the baby in this circumstance except that with those underdeveloped lungs, it's not ready to be delivered. Obviously, Cuddy wants to save the baby over its mother, but she's got a bit of a vested interest in it. And that's why she's going to House for his opinion, since even though he's evil and a jerk, she trusts his medical advice more than anyone else's. "You should deliver now," he says. That wasn't what Cuddy wanted to hear, but it's probably what she expected. She gets up to leave, and House decides to play more games. He says he deliberately gave Cuddy the wrong answer -- you can give the mother more blood, but you can't give the baby more lungs. Cuddy says she wanted an opinion, not to be jerked around. Then she shouldn't have gone to House. You have no one to blame but yourself, Cuddy. House says that Cuddy subconsciously wants to put the baby's life at risk over Becca's because she doesn't really want the baby. Cuddy says she's advising Becca to go "the safest route." House points out that she changed her shirt. I really don't think shirt-changing or not changing is the be all and end all of good mothering skills. Cuddy just looks really tired and sad and leaves the room without saying anything. Probably to put the barf shirt back on.
House limps into the doctor's lounge, where he finds Wilson eating a snack and reading the paper. House tosses at file at him and asks for his medical opinion, but Wilson doesn't want to bother pretending House isn't here to talk about Cuddy. And, as usual, Wilson has his psychoanalysis ready: House doesn't want Cuddy to have a baby because he feels like she's moving forward with her life into adulthood and leaving him behind, a child forever. House says Cuddy is "cheating" by adopting, and trying to have a relationship with a child because she can't have one with an adult. Meanwhile, Wilson has been cleaning that apple for a good ten minutes now. I think it's safe to eat, guy. Wilson says Cuddy is making what she thinks is the best decision for the health of her patient, Becca. House, on the other hand, is such a child that the only way he can get the attention of the girl he likes is to tease her. With that, House grabs Wilson's apple and takes a big bite. Well, that's what you get for waiting, Wilson.
Taub checks on Jerry, the patient we no longer really care about. Jerry hasn't had a blackout in a while, which Taub chalks up to him being away from the coke, meaning that was the problem in the first place. Jerry is shocked (well, as shocked as Jerry gets) to find out he's a secret sleep coke addict. Taub tells him not to beat himself up over it, since he couldn't control his actions. Except for the first time he did it, I thought. Jerry says he may have been asleep, but something inside of him wanted to do coke, and that bothers him. Taub says we often do things in dreams that we don't do in real life. Like fly! Although my flying dreams always go that I find out I can fly and I'm really excited and having the best time ever, but then I can't do it again no matter how hard I try. So frustrating. Taub notices some blood on Jerry's chest. Jerry figures he must have sleep-hurt himself, but Taub says there aren't any cuts -- Jerry is sweating blood. That's bad ass.
And now, we get a close-up shot of House's face as he asks the Cottages what sweating blood means. Then camera moves all around House's face and stays on it while the Cottages make diagnoses off-screen. Why. Why? Please get the camera out of House's eyeball so we can watch the show. It's too distracting for me to really pay any attention to what the Cottages come up with. I think it's leukemia, which Kumar has a real problem with for whatever reason. House tells them to do a bone marrow biopsy.
Cuddy has told Becca what's wrong with her and her options, and now Becca wants Cuddy's opinion on what she should do. Although Cuddy said before that she would recommend that Becca deliver now, she tells Becca that she thinks she should wait. Also, she's changed her shirt again, and there wasn't even any barf on it, so what's that about? Becca says that waiting could kill her and asks Cuddy if she's giving her her opinion as a doctor or as the baby's future mom. Well, what do you think, Becca? What's she supposed to do? You shouldn't have asked for her opinion in the first place. Cuddy says she really doesn't know the answer to that, but Becca has an answer of her own: she wants to deliver now. Tearfully, she says she's already sacrificed nine months of her life for this "stupid mistake," although it hasn't been nine months. It's been eight and a half, and for the first two of those she didn't even know she was pregnant so she didn't sacrifice anything then. Cuddy says Becca is giving up this baby to give it a chance and do something good for it. Why throw all that away now when she's so close? But Becca is adamant: she wants the baby out of there.
Kumar performs the marrow biopsy, which is a painful process for poor Jerry. Mid-way through, Taub notices that the skin on Jerry's legs is tan. He asks Jerry if he's tested any fake tanning creams lately. Jerry says he hasn't, and Kumar says it's not leukemia and pulls out the biopsy needle without even warning Jerry.
Apparently, discolored legs indicates end-stage kidney failure. So does, like, everything else on this show. I swear, someone sneezes twice in a row and it means end-stage kidney failure. Unfortunately for Jerry, his blood pressure is too low for them to do dialysis, which makes him a goner. Kumar guesses hemochromatosis, which is ridiculous since we had a patient with an iron overload just last week. House discounts this, and Taub adorably comes up with vasculitis. It's never vasculitis, except that one time that it was. House tells them to test for that, and Kumar points out that no matter what Jerry has, they need to give him a kidney transplant ASAP if he's going to survive much longer. "Test the daughter," House says. Should we really be handing out little kid kidneys when we don't even know what's causing the kidney failure in the first place? Kumar says they can't touch the daughter without her father's permission, and since he's the one who needs the kidney, he can't give it because of the conflict of interest. They'll need Cuddy to approve this, but she's a little bit busy right now ...
Chase is doing C-sections now, since if PPTH doesn't have an Ob-Gyn to do that ultrasound, then I guess they don't have one to do the C-section, either. Whatever. Cuddy watches nervously. Becca is awake, so she gets to hear when House barges into the operating room looking totally not sterile. "Get out of here!" Cuddy orders, horrified. Becca wants to know what's going on, and Chase reassures her that she'll be developing sepsis now. House is delighted to do this, and he tells Cuddy that she'll have to leave her baby to do her job and be a guardian ad litum , with no time to lose. "This doesn't need you. I do," House says. Truer words were never spoken. Cuddy doesn't want to move. There's no one else in the entire hospital who can't be the guardian ad litum ? Really? Come on. Chase pulls the rubber baby out, but she's not crying. Cuddy begs her to. "I'm sorry," Becca says. This is not the time, Becca. Although she's turning out to be a good match for House. And then ... the baby cries! Chase is happy, and gives the bundle of crying Joy to Cuddy with a "that girl's nine out of ten." That's not very nice. Tell the new mother her baby is perfect, even if it isn't. Duh. But Cuddy is overjoyed. "You just got your first A!" she tells her. Cuddy's going to be one of those mothers who makes her kid get straight A's, isn't she? She shows the baby to Becca, who says "she's yours, now." House is the only person in the room who isn't happy. He tells Cuddy to put the baby down and go to work, which he's sure she'll have to do for the rest of the kid's life. Right, so ... there's no time for Cuddy to watch her baby be born and make sure it's okay, but there is time for House to insult her?
Cuddy asks Sam if she understands the risks of giving up a kidney. House makes sarcastic remarks in the corner of the room, wasting time when it's supposedly of the essence. It's only urgent when he doesn't want a mother to see her baby be born, I think. Sam doesn't seem bothered by House's comments, and says she understands the risks of the surgery and a life with one kidney. Something about the way she says that intrigues House, and as Cuddy gives him the nod to go ahead with the transplant surgery, he tells her they can't -- Sam is sleep-consenting to surgery. And then, totally unnecessarily and very cheesily, the background around Sam goes black just before she goes, too.
House plays with his Vicodin bottle. Kumar says Jerry will be dead in "a week" without the kidney transplant. A week? So House really didn't need to pull Cuddy out of that surgery right then and there. Asshole. I should have known. House says putting Sam's kidney in Jerry is like replacing a remote control's dead battery with another dead battery. I think they know that, House. Your metaphor is unnecessary, and makes way too much sense. What's going on? Taub says they don't necessarily know that the sleepwalking and the kidney failure are related. Hadley walks up and says they most certainly are -- Sam is now sweating blood. Hadley feels the need to tell us this while staring at the camera. She says this is good news, because if both father and daughter have it, they can narrow it down to something environmental, an infection, or something genetic. And since they've already ruled out toxins and infections, it must be genetic. How is that good news, really, though? Kumar points out that there are dozens of genetic disorders it could be, and all of the tests take over a week to run. Plus, even if they do find out what it is, it might not be curable. Like Huntington's, for example. When is that going to start kicking in, anyway? House tells them to run the tests anyway. Might as well.
House goes to Wilson for his weekly epiphany. Wilson assumes he's there to talk about Cuddy, and is pleased to rub it in report that she's thrilled to bits to be a new mother. House ignores Wilson and lists off Jerry and Sam's symptoms. Wilson ignores House and says he'll have to pay off whoever didn't bet that Cuddy would change her mind. Which means Kumar loses again. House says it isn't over yet: "everyone's happy until they unwrap that pretty present and find they've got a wall clock in the shape of Africa." Wait, what? Is he saying that Cuddy might have a black baby? And that she wouldn't want it because of that? I really don't think she'd mind. Also, who wouldn't want a wall clock in the shape of Africa? That sounds cool. Wilson says that won't happen to Cuddy. Since she didn't actually give birth, she won't have hormones messing with her dopamine receptors and causing post-partum depression. Therefore, new motherhood will be a cinch! Wilson need not continue, however, as House just got his epiphany. He gets up to leave. "I've just given you the answer, haven't I? And now you're going to walk out of here without saying a word," Wilson says. "Nope!" House says, just to be contrary.
House enters Sam and Jerry's room with an Important Announcement: "good news! I know what you have, and you're both gonna be fine!" Sam's like :-| . Jerry's like :-| . The Cottages are like :-O . House says he's half-lying. He knows what they have, but not if they'll be okay. He only said that to see what their reaction would be, and if it'd be a happy one. It wasn't. "They're anhedonic. Incapable of experiencing pleasure. Something's bushwhacked their dopamine receptors." House explains. Hadley coldly says that depression is perfectly understandable when mom is dead and dad is on his way out, too. When is one of the patients going to speak up and say "um ... I'm right here?" House says Jerry and Sam are beyond bummed. They have no friends and they're indifferent to each other and everything else. Taub is all about this, saying it explains why the apartment was so joyless and had such a gross view. My apartment has a gross view, too. I hope my dopamine receptors are okay. Hadley points out that Jerry does coke, so he must feel pleasure. House loves this, and throws it back in her face that people don't do drugs because they're happy. Case in point: Hadley. Apparently, Jerry's subconscious was looking for a way to be happy because it wasn't, and that explains his sleep-coke use. I once fell off a toilet and hit my head on the bathroom wall and got a concussion while asleep. What does that say about what my subconscious wanted? Foreman says if it is anhedonia, then the most common cause is schizophrenia. "In white folk," House says. "They're ... black?" Kumar asks, very confused and forgetting that other ethnicities do exist. House asks Jerry for his real name. "Jamal Hamud," Jerry says. Yes, he's Arab. And he changed his name during the first Gulf War and never, apparently, changed it back. Which was probably a good idea what with all the stuff that happened after that. Although ... it's not like America was going to put Arabs in internment camps or anything. I'm pretty sure we learned our lesson after WWII. He doesn't look at all Arab, by the way, but Sam definitely does. I just figured she got that from the dead mother. Very clever, show. So, just how did House know this? Because his diagnosis is Familial Mediterranean Fever, and only people of Mediterranean descent can get it. Incidentally, nothing I've seen about this disease says anything about sleepwalking or even insomnia as a symptom, although one page asked if I was looking for information on Funkmaster Flex. There was a lot of stuff about all these other common symptoms that neither Jerry nor Sam had, by the way. I know, I know. It's not a documentary. I'll stop. House says Jerry's symptoms were set off by age, while Sam's were set off by the stress of her father dying. House says he doesn't know if they aren't too far gone to be cured, but tells the Cottages to start them on colchicine and melphalan anyway. Ah yes, colchicine . One man's killer is another's savior. Foreman has to point out that if House is wrong about this, the treatment will kill Jerry. But the show is almost over so we know House isn't wrong. No suspense here.
Night falls on Princeton. Hadley closely monitors Sam and thinks about clubbing. Cuddy paints the new nursery. She can't hire anyone else to do that? Is new paint on the walls really the best thing for a baby with bad lungs? But despite the hard work of painting, Cuddy is smiling.
And then it's morning. Jerry's looking a lot more colorful as he sleeps in his bed. Hadley bends over him and gets, like two inches away from his lips before calling his name to wake him up. What's that all about? Jerry opens his eyes to find Hadley's face all up in his grill. And ours too, since she's, like, in the camera. Ugh. Jerry immediately looks away from that and out the window, where everything suddenly looks a little bit brighter. Hooray! His dopamine receptors are totally fine all of the sudden! He asks about Sam, and Hadley says she's healthy enough to give him the kidney he still needs. Sam sits up in bed, and father and daughter smile at each other, both instantly cured of their anhedonia by colchicine and an anti-inflammatory medication.
Cuddy goes to check on Becca. She's sobbing, and Cuddy says she knows this must be hard for her. Becca says she was selfish and scared to choose her own life over the baby's, and Cuddy never would have done what she did. "I wanna be like that," Becca says; "I don't -- I don't want to be a loser." "You're not a loser," Cuddy says, wondering why she even came down here in the first place. She's already got the baby, so why join the pity party? Becca says that when she saw Cuddy's face when she was holding Joy "it was the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen." Cuddy probably thinks she's being complimented, but ... no. "And that's when I realized ... I can't ... " Becca starts to say. Cuddy's face changes. Becca says her life has been about pain and anger, but never love. But with that baby, there could be love after all. "And I can't give that away," Becca says. Well, we probably all knew this was coming. I actually thought they might give Cuddy a baby after all when Becca said Joy was Cuddy's, but that was just to make this scene extra-painful. "Becca, don't do this," Cuddy says, horrified. But she knows -- it's done. She tries to prevent the inevitable, saying that Becca has a lot of hormones and stuff going on right now, and she should give herself some time before making a huge decision like this. "I'm so sorry," Becca says. "It's a decision that changes everything. Changes the rest of your life," Cuddy says, desperate. "I hope so," Becca says, also desperate. One woman wants a baby because she has love to give, and the other wants it because it will give her love. The first one deserves the baby, but the second one gave birth to it. So that's that. No baby for you, Cuddy.
So while Jerry and Sam experience happiness for the first time, with Sam braving the post-surgery scars and jumping around her dad's bed, Cuddy visits the baby she'll never actually ever have in the maternity ward. So sad. And then the sun goes down and Cuddy is slumped against the wall of the nursery, which is all ready for something that will never come. OUCH. There's a knock at the door.
Cuddy opens it to find House there. She says she doesn't need to hear his gloating right now, but she doesn't close the door in his face either. And he doesn't gloat. "There's more than one baby in the sea," he says. Cuddy says it doesn't matter. She's done with the adoption thing. "I can't go through that again," she says. House accuses her of being a quitter. "That's too bad. You would've made a great mother," he says. Because he can say that now that there's no danger of that happening. Cuddy doesn't take kindly to his attempted words of comfort. "You son of a bitch," she hisses. She points out that when she thought she was going to get a baby, all House could do was tell her what a terrible mother she would be. Now that she doesn't have one, he's saying the opposite. "Why do you need to negate EVERYTHING?" she demands. And thank you, Deran, for not panning around her face and showing us just her forehead when she says this. Thank you letting us see her entire expressive face. And then House's, when he quietly answers "I don't know." And then he steps forward and they totally make out. What! Yes, they did. It was not the hottest kiss I've ever seen. It was weird and desperate and longing and avoiding at the same time. And when they break apart, House is clearly thrown. He doesn't know what's going on or why that happened. House doesn't like change, nor does he ever do anything impulsively. Even the crazy things he does that seem impulsive always have a well-thought-out reason behind them. I don't think that's the case here. "Good night," he says, and takes off, leaving Cuddy in the foyer with no idea what just happened or how to feel. That's kind of how I feel, too. That is, when I'm not thinking that it's about time.
You can read more from Sara Morrison at L.A.me , which she occasionally updates when she has something to complain about. Or you can email her at saramorrison@gmail.com , especially if you own an iMac and an Eee PC or similar PC netbook. Do they work well together, or should Sara sell the Eee PC and buy a new Macbook?
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