Bagpipes
Updated 2009-11-03 10:55:43
From 2030, Saget!Ted narrates to his (unseen, this week) kids, that back in the fall of 2009, he got new upstairs neighbors. Back in 2009, we learn the neighbors haven't stopped having loud sex since the moment they moved in. It's driving him and Robin crazy. This week, Saget!Ted doesn't want to get explicit with his kids, so he substitutes bagpipes for sex and other terms meaning the same thing, in his narration. I really found this joke one note (bah dah duh) so to sum -- there are lots of cracks from Robin and Ted about the woman asking the man to "play the bagpipes" harder and whatnot. The only one of note is when Ted, in total exasperation, looks at the ceiling and yells, "Shut the 'bagpipes' up." Get it? Yeah. Feh. I don't know. I've liked the show's other euphemisms like grinch , sandwich , and thumbs up . Maybe "bagpipes" is just too soon after the thumbs up , come to think of it. I don't know. Bagpipe it. It just did not work for me. Okay, except for Ted's "Shut the bagpipes up," which I'll now do, because...
Theme song!
Anyhow, Ted goes to MacLaren's to get some peace and quiet. He's soon joined by Barney who is certain Lily and Marshall are on the verge of a divorce because Lily asked Marshall to...wash up his dish after eating. Barney clutches Ted's hands as Ted tries to talk him down. After listening to Barney fretting, Ted diagnoses him with New Relationship Syndrome (a.k.a. N.R.S., which Ted just made up). He explains that although Robin and Barney are still in the honeymoon phase of their relationship where everything is perfect, that shall soon pass. When Marshall arrives at the bar, Barney calls him "Tiger," asks how he's doing, and reminds him he's in a safe space. Ted explains that Barney thinks Marshall's marriage is crumbling. Of course, this is a ridiculous assumption, but Barney claims that just like he was the "best at being single" (which the guys immediately deny) he's also the best at relationships.
Marshall smiles indulgently. "Oh, look at you. Had a girlfriend for five minutes -- you think you can play with the big boys. Adorable. Son, I've been in a relationship since you had a ponytail and were playing Dave Matthews on your Momma's Casio. I'm a good boyfriend in my sleep . I can rock a killer foot-rub with one hand and brew a kick-ass pot of Chamomile in the other that would make you weep. Hell, I've forgotten more about microwaving fat-free popcorn and watching Sandra Bullock movies than you'll ever know, but...thanks for your concern, Rook ." That rant, alone, made the episode worth watching.
Barney's main point though, is that if Lily doesn't like dishes piling up in the sink, that's Lily's problem, and Lily should wash them. And although it kills me to admit this -- as person who has been happily married for 15 years -- he's got a point. Marshall understands that point, but he knows that telling Lily would just lead to a fight. And, as a happily married person of 15 years, I have to admit Marshall's got a point, too. At any rate, Ted has Marshall's back, but Barney stages a frontal assault. His first shot: he and Robin never fight. Ted calls shenanigans, but Barney explains (over an accompanying flashback, which features Robin asking Barney about a bagful of panties in his closet, which is dated "April 2008") that when the going gets tough, Barney Stinson gets going -- right out the door. And when Robin causes a problem (like machine laundering one of Barney's ties 'til it is but a shadow of its former self), she strips; Barney smiles; problem solved. Marshall says that walking away and getting naked are the two most ridiculous approaches to conflict resolution he's ever heard. Ted grins. "Actually, the naked thing ain't half bad." He and Barney high-five each other, then Ted cringes. "That felt kind of weird." And yeah, it skeeves me on a regular basis that Robin has slept with both of these guys, but I try to keep that to myself. When Marshall explains to Barney that he and Lily talk out their problems, Barney says, "There are so many great things to do with the human mouth. Why waste it on talking?" A beat . "But, if you insist, here's what I would say about the dishes, if I were Lily's husband." And we flash to...
Barney's Imaginary Marriage to Lily: Lily greets Barney with shouts of pleasure. She jumps into his arms, and straddling him, they proceed to kiss. And kiss. And kiss. And kiss and kiss and kiss. Finally, Marshall breaks Barney's reverie and tells him to get to the point. Back to Barney's fantasy: Lily serves Barney a Martini in their kitchen as cheesy music plays. After he downs it, he lays the glass on the counter. When she asks if he's going to wash it, he sits on a stool, pats his knee so that she'll sit on it, and tells her he's glad she brought up the issue. Just because fantasy Lily doesn't like a dirty sink, it's not fantasy Barney's job to keep it clean. If fantasy Barney decided he wanted their ceiling to be a replica of the Sistine Chapel, he wouldn't expect Lily to paint it. Given what we know about her painting talents , that's a good thing. He applies the same logic to her desire for a clean sink -- saying she should do the dishes. Fantasy Lily is an airhead, so she thanks him for explaining it. "I get so confused." Fantasy Barney smiles. "That's because you're a woman ." I make stabby motions at him, but he doesn't see, and they laugh and laugh until fantasy Lily says, "I don't even know why we're laughing." Fantasy Barney says, "Of course you don't." And then? They make out.
Back at MacLaren's Ted scoffs, but Marshall wants to hear Barney out. Didn't we just? Barney says that once he had fantasy Lily's attention (and that last scene went way past attention all the way to compliance, so I don't get the point of this next one), he would bring out the big guns. We cut back to his fantasy, where he's telling Lily that he works so hard all day, so when he gets home, he doesn't want any menial chores to distract him from showering her with love. Fantasy Lily agrees that she'll do the dishes, right after she does, "This." This amounts to shutting off the lights and turning on...shall we say bagpipe music -- via remote control. She then rises to dance for him. And dance she does, aye, but 'tis nay like any Highland Fling I've e'er seen. Still, fantasy Barney's pipe -- his pipe is calling . He has fantasy Lily turn around and he gropes her wee bum! Back at MacLaren's, real Barney is so caught up in the idea of Lily's ass that he's pantomiming the grope. Ted asks if he should hit Barney, or let Marshall do it. But Marshall insists Barney is right. Ted plays wingman. Not the kind of wingman who says he's going to get you laid, or what have you. No. The kind of wingman who saves your life. "Marshall, look at me! Do not get drawn into Barney Stinson's circus tent of funhouse mirrors and flawed logic." Man, I wanted to use that as my weecap headline, but it seemed too long. Anyhow, as a point of canon, I'll mention that Ted reminds Marshall that that's exactly how he ended up with an earring back in '03. Barney argues that the earring looked cool. Marshall agrees. I want a flashback, but I'm not going to get it. Instead, Ted insists again that Barney is wrong, but Marshall says he isn't. He rasps, "I hate doing my dishes right away." Ted reminds him that he just said he didn't mind, but Marshall bellows that he hates it with a fury. Barney, who's been fondling his (own) tie and looking a bit like the Grinch (but not in a HIMYM way) says, "You're welcome."
Just then, Robin shows up, so Ted appeals to her honesty and asks if it's true that she and Barney never fight. Robin guesses that's true, but Ted's not buying it, because he says they're the two most "emotionally ill-equipped individuals in the history of relationships." Robin allows that they did have one fight -- about who was the most awesome. "We just called it a tie and had sex." They high five each other, while Ted cringes, as Marshall examines his life. Robin then says she's glad she and Barney are going skiing for the weekend, because the upstairs neighbors (and their noisy "bagpiping") are driving her crazy. Ted says he's going to say something to them. Barney rises and reviews everyone's assignments for the weekend. Ted will talk to the neighbors. Marshall will confront Lily about the dishes. "And Robin, I'm going to need you in sort of a crouched position on the bearskin rug at our ski chalet." Barney waits a beat then yells, "Ready? Break." He claps once, runs out of MacLaren's, and Robin follows, wearing a wide smile.
After they leave, Marshall says, "Barney -- with his crazy...well thought-out theories that would probably work." Ted tells him, "Marshall, I'm just going to say this one more time. It's a bad idea." Marshall counters that he thinks it could work. Ted says, "Okay, two more times: it's a bad idea." But Marshall thinks Barney's laid out some logical points and since Lily is reasonable, she will get it, and Marshall will get his way. Ted is certain it will only lead to a big fight. Marshall responds: " Slap Bet ?" Ted confirms: "Slap Bet." They shake hands and we sideways slide to...
Dowistrepla: Marshall drops something in the sink. Lily sweetly says, "Baby, could you wash your dishes?" Marshall stops and places his hands on his hips. "Lily, I'm glad that you bring that up." And, we cut to...
The Apartment: Ted answers a knock at the door. It's Marshall, carrying an overnight bag and his pillow. "Can I stay here tonight?" Ted slaps him across the face, and then pats him on the shoulder. "I'll make up the sofa, buddy." Thanks for not making us wait yonks for the resolution of that bet, writers. Commercial.
MacLaren's: Ted and Marshall are seated at the booth when Barney and Robin enter, pretending they're skiing. After a shush shush shush , Robin announces that the "ski bunnies" have returned. They're all kissy and cuddly and Robin puns about no " black diamonds , but lots of red hearts," and then takes her leave. Ted wonders when they got so nauseating. Barney brags that Robin is now fulfilled emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. When Ted points out he dated Robin for a year, Barney deadpans, "Yeah," then asks how their weekend was. Marshall relates that it was terrible, thanks to Barney's terrible advice. And it's too painful to recount, so suffice it to say that Marshall -- the lawyer, mind you, bumbled through every single point of argument he gleaned from Barney. The writers try to hang a lantern on this character assassination of the " LAWYERED! " lawyer, but having Marshall pleads that Lily's eyes and boobs distract him, but it's just embarrassing and beneath this show, so I'm moving on. It is worth noting, however, that Marshall's biggest mistake was reminding Lily that he makes more money than she does, and then blurting out, "Dance for me." It all boils down to this: they not only had a huge argument about the dishes -- but that argument spiraled off into a bunch of other arguments. In the flashback, we end up with several versions of Marshall and Lily, all arguing in their Dowistrepla living room at once, about everything from the dishes, to the worth of Lily's chosen career (he sees snacks and gluing stuff; she sees herself molding the future leaders of tomorrow) to Marshall's mother (she doesn't hate Lily; she's Lily-neutral), to Marshall sprinkling when he tinkles in the middle of the night, to Lily's impersonation of the kid from The Shining . "I am not...scared of your Shining impression. I just don't need to hear it -- especially at night." Lily holds up her index finger and bends it up and down as she growls. "Danny's not here, Mrs. Torrance." All the Marshall versions turn toward the Lily version who did the impression and say, "Please, don't do that."
Back at the bar, Marshall says that Lily fights dirty. "She's small, but vicious, like a badger that your brothers caught and starved for five days, and then put in your sleeping bag." Yikes! Marshall, who is sort of Obama in this situation, reckons he should just go home and apologize. Barney takes the role of the hawks, and insists Marshall needs a surge. Ted takes the role of the doves and says this is a quagmire -- without an exit strategy. I close my eyes and shake my head until my brains scramble, because I watch sitcoms in order to stop thinking about things like Afghanistan. Ted fails to reach Marshall. He stands as he rants that the dishes are his manhood. "If I want to leave my manhood dirty in the sink, caked with ketchup and pasta..." Barney scowls. "What are you eating?" Marshall continues: "Then damn it, that's my right." Just then, Robin enters the bar. Marshall finishes: "I'll wash my manhood when I'm good and ready." He storms off. Robin surveys the booth. "Where was he not sitting?" Heh.
Barney greets Robin with a "Ro-Ro." Robin returns with a "Barnstormer." I decide to purge. That much sugar can't be good. BRB. They smooch and Ted calls them out on the nicknames, but they insist they're just happy. Robin changes the subject and asks Ted if he talked to the bagpiping neighbors. Ted says he did, but they were really old. "I didn't have the heart to tell them to stop, because well -- good for them, so I just welcomed them to the building, had a hard candy, nodded politely at some racist comments, and then left."
Saget!Ted narrates that over the next few days, Robin and Barney were as sweet as sugar while Lily and Marshall continued to fight. He doesn't care if the dishes are dirty -- she can do them. She doesn't care if he orgasms -- he can do it. Marshall returns that he lived without the touch of a woman for 18 years and he can do it, again. Lily says, "You might have to."
The Apartment: Ted continues to hear the "bagpiping." Marshall enters worrying about his fight with Lily. They've never carried one for so long. Newbies. He says it's like he doesn't exist. "On Sunday morning, she made pancake and bacon strip ." She must have been pissed. I can see having one pancake, but one strip of bacon? That's a step away from divorce court, I tell you what. Ted tells him that's what he gets for taking relationship advice from Barney. Marshall's still laboring under the delusion that Barney could possibly be right, and notes that Barney and "Ro-Ro," have it all figured out and are the best couple, now. Ted ain't buying. For one thing, he knows from personal experience that Robin hates nicknames, (in a flashback, Robin succinctly shuts down Ted's Robbsy Wobbsy and Sherbs for her, and his T Mose for him; who can blame her). Marshall is unconvinced. "C'mon. Someone had to put an end to T Mose ." Ted disagrees. "No. T Mose was awesome. I'm thinking of bringing it back." Just then, we hear the bagpipes . Marshall notes that they sound more muted -- echo-y. Ted figures they're just doing it in the bathroom, on the shower chair. Isn't it funny that old people have sex? Gah, I hate this B-plot. That said, Saget!Ted narrates, "Just like that, I realized how to get the real scoop on Barney and Robin.
MacLaren's: Barney and Robin greet Ted, and revel in their "worries" about Marshall and Lily. Ted tells them the jig is up. He leads them to the booth, where a stranger is seated. When Barney asks who he is, Ted says they'll get to that. Ted knew something was up, because the couple was too "happy, too shiny, too nick-namey." He calls "horse apples" on their claim that they never fight. "You fight all the time." Turns out that Phil is Barney's downstairs neighbor. He's heard it all. Commercial. After the break, Barney and Robin admit that they've been fighting a lot, ever since their ski trip. When they were stuck on the chair lift, Barney brought up Lily and Marshall's situation. Robin sided with Lily. Barney couldn't run away, on account of being stuck on a chair lift. Robin couldn't strip, on account of the cold (yeah, ignore the show's constant jokes about Canadians not noticing the cold; the writers sure did). They had to face that the no-fighting phase of their relationship was over, and launched into a big, old donnybrook, and it hasn't ended yet. The panties. The murdered tie. Robin adds, "The tiny camera I found in the headboard." Barney argues that that's how a QB stays sharp, but Robin's not having any. Ted yells, "I KNEW it! I knew you guys were acting too cute and perfect." Barney explains they were "just sick of everyone pointing out how crappy at relationships we are." Robin adds that it was nice to be the perfect couple for a minute. Oh kids, there's no such thing. You'll get past that soon. I promise. Ted knew they were lying. "You have to get up pretty early to slip one by the T Mose . Robin deadpans, "Stop it." We sideways slide to...
Dowistrepla: Lily sing-songs to Marshall that dinner is ready. Marshall stammers. "Did you -- did you make any for me?" Lily sing-songs, "No. But it's your favorite." Just then, the doorbell rings. It's Barney and Robin. They confess their relationship angst by way of asking for Lily and Marshall's advice. We learn their fights have included Robin throwing plates full of food at Barney, and Barney handing Robin a knife, ripping open his shirt, and begging her to stab him. Saget!Ted narrates: "And by the end, Lily and Marshall both had the same reaction." Marshall promises to wash his dishes as soon as he's finished eating. Lily replies, "I don't care when you wash the dishes." A beat... "But if it's something cheese based -- like a nice ziti -- at least soak it, okay?" Marshall says, "Of course, baby," and they kiss and profess their love. Robin demands to know how they did that -- how they moved from anger to love. Marshall says that sometimes, you have to set aside your ego. Lily agrees, "And remember that the love you have for that other person is way more important than winning." Barney and Robin look at each other and... crack up. Robin asks, "Seriously. What's the secret?" Lily says that once the honeymoon period is over, they can get to the 'real stuff'. "And honestly, it's the best part." In the Dowistrepla hallway, Barney and Robin mull over their friends' advice. They seem to take it in for a moment, but then Barney says, " OR , there's a bench in the elevator..." Robin's all over that. "Okay, so what if we're not the best couple in the world." Barney tries to convince himself. "Totally. It's not a competition." Back inside Dowistrepla, Lily and Marshall yell, "We win!" Marshall pops a bottle of champagne and declares he and Lily are, "The best couple in the world," as Lily claps and lets out a "Woooo." Commercial.
End tag: As Lily and Marshall snuggle on his couch, he points out that the champagne flutes are plastic. "So, we can just throw them away. That means no dirty dishes in the sink." Lily says, "You're dirty. Maybe I should leave you in the sink." Huh? Whatever. She takes his glass, places it down, and they smooch. Saget!Ted narrates that once their first argument got worked out, "All those other arguments? Well..." All the duplicate Marshall and Lily pairings appear again, and start kissing, too. "They got better, too." There's a descending whoosh, as the camera slides down the apartment below. A well-kempt upper-middle age couple sits in matching chairs, reading by the light of their crystal chandelier. The chandelier starts to shake. Dust flies off it. Bagpipes ring through their apartment. The couple looks up and then at each other in disgust. The woman puts her head in her hands, and we fade to black.
Well, in the recaplet, I noted that I had timeline concerns, but watching again eradicated them. I had thought that Ted had his epiphany while Robin and Barney were still on their ski weekend, so I thought his (what I thought was) subsequent confusion over their cloying happiness and the big reveal was all a jumble. It was not. As I noted above, I don't like that Marshall's logic eluded him when he had to argue with Lily. Eyes. Boobs. Whatever. This is not the first time they've had this couple argue, but Marshall was written as a bibbling idiot and it did not sit well with me. My big question though, is: what, exactly, does Saget!Ted tell his kids? We've had a lot of clever euphemisms on the show (which I mentioned earlier). And yet? So much of this show seems to be about sex, that I can't manage to draw a clear line between what he tells them and what he disguises and/or omits. I've thought this before, but this week's bagpipe euphemism just really took me out of the moment. Also, isn't it a little clichéd to have young people marvel at the fact that old people have active sex lives? I mean really. Let's grow up, a little. At least Ted admired his neighbors, but still, I think this show can do better than that. But, I enjoyed the Barney/Robin growth, and the Lily/Marshall interaction (not to mention the Barney/Lily fantasy). I just wish something had happened to Ted this week. He seemed more like a device than the central character. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that his irrelevance now indicates that there will soon be a lot of action in his love life. I hope so, and I hope it's this Ted we see. Duke Ted is good for a laugh, but this Ted -- this likeable voice of sanity -- is a guy I can root for. Before I sign off, let me apologize for my typo last time. I wrote "Lewis and Clark" as "Louis and Clark." Moosejaw in the forums gave me a heads up, but I never contacted the editorial staff, because I had some real life medical drama (everything is fine now, but there was a biopsy, y'all, yeeeeeeeesh) and then crashed thereafter. I do know it's " Lewis and Clark." All I can think is that I was so hung up on Louis Cyr's name (i.e. not Louie Cyr) that I typed without thinking. Anyhow, that was sloppy of me, and I apologize.
Join me next week for "The Rough Patch." Barney and Robin have one, so Lily and Alan Thicke (!!!) try to break them up. What? Yeah. In the meantime, save your mouth for other things, and let your fingers do the talking in the forums .
In addition to How I Met Your Mother, Cindy McLennan also covers The Vampire Diaries and Lost . Email her at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com, follow her on Twitter .