Benefits
Updated 2009-01-13 09:10:17
Welcome back from hiatus! Our holidays were lovely; I hope yours were, too, but let's get right to it, because it's so nice to have some new TV again. Okay, so Saget!Ted is telling his kids that in the winter of 2009, he and Aunt Robin were having a rough time adapting to one another as roommates. There's lots of bickering. Robin uses all the milk and leaves the empty bottle in the fridge. Nobody's taking out the trash, washing dishes, changing the toilet paper rolls, blah blah blah slobcakes. Robin harshes on Ted for using dated references when he compares her to Ogre from Revenge of the Nerds and I can't imagine what she's talking about, because that's practically a new film. I was in high school when it came out. Is it even in wide release yet? (Bitch.) Tempers and voices continue to rise until Robin observes that when they were dating and practically living together, they didn't drive each other this crazy. Robin and Ted seem to be forgetting that they tried to live together when they were a couple, and couldn't make it past a few hours. Maybe they blocked it out. Robin finally figures out the problem: "Men and women need sex to live together. It solves all disputes." Ted compares this to Barney's theory of world peace and we flash back to...
MacLaren's: Barney says, "I said, Madeleine , every single international conflict essentially boils down to sexual tension." Ted's not convinced, but Barney is completely sold on his new pet theory. When Ted asks about the crisis in the Middle East, Barney replies with, "Gaza Strip pers " and I get the chills. I mean, this was a cute exchange in its entirety, and this episode was certainly in the can before the latest flare up between Hamas and Israel in Gaza but still? Goosebumps. Next, Ted suggests Apartheid, and Barney responds, "Apart thighs -- what else you got?" and I suddenly feel like I opened up the door to the war room at the wrong time. Not like that! It just feels like just like the writers started riffing when they were working on the script, never came up with anything better, and threw that in. Then Ted brings up the Cold War. Barney says, " Mrs. Gorbachev, take down those pants! " (minute 1:52). Okay, that was funny -- you know... to those of us who were in high school when Revenge of the Nerds came out. Returning to the present, Ted laughs and suggests that he and Robin should just start having sex again. Robin scoffs. And...
The next thing you know, they're nekkid and reveling in the afterglow -- in what must be Robin's room. Woooo! Ted cuts their pillow talk short to insist that if they're going to end up in bed together from time to time, they can't tell anyone about it. "Deal?" says Ted.
"Deal," says Robin.
"Deal," says Marshall, who's standing in the doorway to his old bedroom, magazine tucked under his arm, gaping down at his friends -- shocked. Even more shocked, Robin and Ted gasp. Marshall opens his mouth wide as if to mock them, runs off, and it's time for our...
Theme song!
Ted and Robin rush after Marshall (well, during the commercial break, Ted got half dressed, and Robin threw on a robe I am coveting). Marshall wants to know what they're doing and if they're back together. When Ted explains they're just sleeping together so they won't fight anymore, Marshall mocks them, because even he knows this can't end well. When Robin wants to know why he's there, he explains he stopped by to use the bathroom on his way to work, only much like "having a sandwich" is a euphemism for smoking pot on this show, Marshall refers to using the bathroom as "reading a magazine." I wonder if Bays and Thomas considered riffing off their band's name , instead. At any rate, he's making it clear enough for us to figure out he's probably not standing up in there. All right, I'm going to just come out and say it, because I can't believe how much confusion I've seen about this point, all over the internet. Marshall had to poop, okay? He was not masturbating. Please don't get all the way through this episode and think that, unless you're on a press tour with Alan Sepinwall , m'kay? And Oh! That's who's not changing the toilet paper. Marshall (not Sepinwall)! Quick, someone have sex with him (again, Marshall).
Anyhow, Ted has no problem with Marshall stopping by just to... er... unload, but Robin does and tells Marshall to "read a magazine" at work, instead. Marshall explains that he can't stand using the office bathroom for... big productions, because when he walks down the hallway carrying a magazine, that magazine is saying one thing and one thing only. We slide to the hallways of GNB. Marshall's carrying THEM WEEKLY which features Spencer and Heidi , whoever they are, on the cover. I resent that I know they exist and that maybe they did or did not get married, but I love Marshall, so I'll try not to be too bitter. From the cover of the magazine, Heidi comes to life (or something like it) and yells, "Hey, everyone, look at what Marshall's about to do!"
In a voice that makes me want to smack him just on principle, Spencer smarms, "Marshall's about to read a big ol' magazine! In the bathroom that you all share with him! Heh heh heh heh heh." Oh, shudder! Make it go away.
We slide back to the apartment. Robin suggests that Marshall "read a magazine" without the literal magazine. He and Ted pooh-pooh this suggestion. I'd say I'm sorry, but I'm not, because I didn't bring in the potty humor, I'm just weecapping it (oh, damn). The worst part for Marshall is that the stretch of hallway from his office to the restroom is a "gauntlet of judging eyes." We see him pass his boss, her boss ( Bilson !) and "I-Can't-Believe-He-Has-A-Wife Donald" (which must be New York hip for gay, today) and they're all sneering at him, as Marshall imagines their thoughts. At any rate, he'd rather "read a magazine" at Ted's. Robin won't give in, refers to the place as "our apartment" (hmmm) and demands Marshall's key.
Marshall, whose hair is still adorably short, says, "Yeah, I'm not going to do that." When Robin tries to protest, he puts on his best, "Good day to you, sir," voice and says, "I seem to recall a deal being struck between three parties, wherein none would discuss a certain event that transpired. An event of the..." (he makes bed creaking sounds) "...persuasion. That key, madam, buys my silence. Good day to you both." His flounce-off is such that I keep hearing Spike say, " Prancing away like a magnificent poof is truly thanks enough! "
At MacLaren's, we learn that secret didn't last long, because Lily is blasting Ted and Robin for hooking up. Marshall thanks his wife, and places his key in Robin's already outstretched hand. Barney's visibly disturbed. "Wow. You two slept together. That is awf... some. Awfffssssome. Nice work, Ted. Tap that." I don't know how anyone at that table can buy into his bravado, but I guess their self-absorption helps. Robin and Ted defend their choice, but Lily gives them the standard (and relatively accurate, if you ask me) spiel about how it could ruin their friendship, noting that when exes try to engage in something casual, someone always gets hurt. Saget!Ted narrates, "Turned out Lily was right, but more on that later," just in case we didn't notice Lily was making A Statement, and just in case we could never guess it's going to be Barney who gets hurt, this time. Thanks, Saget!Ted! Now, about this air stuff -- is it for breathing? Robin explains that they've thought of that already, and set up ground rules. And we...
Flashback to the apartment. Ted tells Robin, "Okay, rule number one: This is strictly a physical relationship. There are no feelings involved, okay?" Robin says, "Oh, please, that's like telling the Fonz to be cool." Hey writers, how come Ted doesn't get to zing her with some "hot off the press topical reference" thing? The Fonz was around long before nerds infiltrated the Tri-Lambs . She and Ted agree they don't have to worry about romance, can watch TV during, and multi-task to spice up activities like folding laundry and paying bills. After brief consideration, they draw the line at having sex while cooking dinner. Ted's worried about hygiene, but I'd be afraid of spatters. Oh. Maybe he is, too. Ahem. I said don't blame me. Take it to the writers.
Back at MacLaren's, both Ted and Robin confirm that now that they're having sex, they're no longer fighting. Ted gives credit to poor Barney, citing his World Peace thing. After Ted and Robin high-five one another for "achieving peace" (repeatedly), Barney picks up his drink then puts it down again. "So I'm -- I'm responsible for..." he points his finger from Robin to Ted. "Excellent. Excellent. Excellent." His left eye twitches each time he says the word. He rises slowly and gestures toward the table. "Uh... next round's on ME!" Poor baby.
Lily follows Barney to the bar. He tries to play it cool, but Lily calls him out on his feelings for Robin, noting that he's weeping openly. He insists he's fine, but you know I would, too, because Lily's sort of all gleeful that he still cares for Robin, which might be fine if they hadn't just found out she's sleeping with Ted. She's a little sadistic, that Lily. I wonder what it would take to get her to flay a man ? (And have you ever noticed Ted could be Warren's better-looking brother... okay, maybe cousin?) Barney excuses himself from Lily's TLC that's neither T nor L and retreats to the alley behind the bar. He walks past the dumpster, pauses, returns to it, picks up a TV from atop it and smashes it to the ground. He returns to the bar, smiling, and telling Lily he's totally fine. Lily wants him to learn how to express his feelings, so I guess she wasn't spying on him in the alley. She suggests he talk to a psychiatrist. "Please. If I'm gonna pay some woman $200 an hour to make me feel better, we aren't going to be talking. And we're both going to be on that couch." Lily gives him a blank stare, so Barney continues, "The woman in this scenario is a prostitute. A dirty, skanky, surgically enhanced, Eastern European..." Unamused, Lily insists she's got it, and turns away.
Back at the booth, Ted is blathering on to Marshall about how it's liberating to not take it so seriously. Ted's right, Marshall. Just shit or get off the pot. Get the lead out, brother. Oh, wait, they're still talking about their sex life, because Robin adds, "Yeah. Last night, we actually did it while I was returning a bunch of phone calls." I knew it was TMI of one kind or another. Marshall's disgusted. "I knew you didn't get a rowing machine!"
Barney's not happy the subject hasn't changed, which makes me feel sorry for him, even while I revel in the schadenfreude . How many times has he assailed his friends (and my thoughts) with a too-thorough description of his sexcapades? Oh, no. I'm just like Lily. Damn it! Robin lectures that this is a private thing between her and Ted. Then they both salute each other and say, "Private Thing." Heh . The gang groans at their in-joke, so Robin changes the subject from her private thing with Ted to Marshall's private thing wherein he can't "read a magazine" at work.
We learn from Lily that when Marshall was in law school, she thought he was having an affair when she saw a credit card charge for a hotel room. Flashback to a redheaded Lily (poofy astronaut's wife's wig circa 1965, but the color's so pretty) in tears on the couch, accusing Marshall of having an affair. He protests that it's not what she thinks. When Lily demands to know "her" name, Marshall confesses: "Burrito. Carnitas Burrito." Thanks for ruining Mexican food for me, show. When Robin mocks Marshall for renting a hotel room (and no kidding, in NYC, I don't think Lily's the only one who squandered their money) to "read a magazine" Marshall asks her if she wants a sugar cube for that high horse she's riding and maintains that nobody likes to "read a magazine" at work.
Barney says, "Dude, I 'read a magazine' at work every day. I can't tell you how many meetings I've been late to because I was busy 'reading a magazine.' But I don't feel bad about it. That's my time. Sure, 'reading a magazine' ain't pretty, but you know, it's something I gotta do, so why be ashamed about it?" Not for nothing, this seems to be the attitude I've noticed in most guys I ever worked with. They'd practically dance off to the bathroom, newspaper under their arms. It was gross, much like this B-plot. The gang seems impressed with Barney's casual attitude about normal bodily functions though, forgetting what's normal for Barney's body when functioning. Barney: "Wait, 'reading a magazine' means masturbating, right?" No, dude. Aren't you reading the weecap? It means poop .
Another day at Ted's, he comes charging into the living room, angrily chastising Robin for drinking all his milk, yet again. She suggests they have sex, and he cheerfully agrees. Raise your hand if you think Ted planned that as foreplay. At MacLaren's, Ted raves to Barney about how it's the perfect set-up: "One minute we're just laying into each other, and then the next minute... Well, same thing." Barney declares this awesome , but his heart's not in it, and soon he's out in the alleyway, smashing another discarded TV. What are all those TVs doing in a dumpster, anyhow? Doesn't anyone care about the environment?
Another day, Ted brags to Barney that Robin was yelling at him for taking too long in the shower, and then ended up joining him. Barney says this is, "So awesome," through gritted teeth, then goes out to the alley to kill another TV.
Yet another day, Ted joins Barney in MacLaren's and apologizes for being late because he was jammin' on Scherbatsky. She used up all my stamps, so long story short, the postman rang twice." He holds out his fist to Barney. "You must bump this!" Barney struggles through it, and runs to the alley to find the dumpster empty. His supply's been cut off.
At an electronics store, Barney talks TVs -- plasma versus LCDs versus CRTs. After an in-depth discussion about the sharp contrast and true black color available on a CRT, Barney makes his purchase, and has his way with his new toy in the MacLaren's alley. He returns to the bar smiling, and Lily confronts him about his need to let all this stuff out, and tells him that her kindergarten class has Feelings Hour every Tuesday morning. I'd like to know how she gets kindergarteners to do anything for an hour. Barney says, "Look, Lily, maybe your kindergartners are upset that their friends are sleeping with each other, but not me. I have never been better." Oh, Barney.
At GNB, Saget!Ted tells us Marshall was still struggling at work. Marshall walks down the hall looking sheepish and carrying his magazine. From the cover, girl next door Kendra Wilkinson comes to life, whistles, and informs everyone Marshall had a big breakfast that morning. But then Marshall overhears his boss talking to "I-Can't-Believe-He-Has-A-Wife Donald" about how the whole 8th floor has been laid off, and it's a ghost town down there. Marshall looks straight at the camera (hi, Marshall!), raises his eyebrow and smiles. The 8th floor is indeed deserted, and there's scaffolding, dust barriers, tool chests, stepladders, and other construction-y stuff around. He approaches the restroom door as if it were a wardrobe full of fur coats just waiting to take him to Narnia. He opens the door and his face lights up from within, and is lit up from without. A harp plays as he crosses over to the other side.
At the apartment, Ted bids Robin good morning then comments that "that" was fun last night. She gives him the old "word" (she's such a boy). They high-five each other over her failure to throw out the pizza box, but the high-five sort of ends in a finger-clutching thingie. Ted laughs, bends down, kisses her and heads out the door. Inside, Robin is stunned. Outside, Ted is, too. They both say, "Uh-oh."
At MacLaren's, Ted confides in Marshall and poor, poor Barney about the kiss. Marshall deems it weird, and Ted stresses out about how it violates the spirit of their whole friends-with-benefits arrangement. When Ted worries that Robin will think he's getting feelings for her, Marshall asks if he is. Barney blurts out, "Yes, I'm in love with her!" When Ted and Marshall look at him, he affects a laugh and adds, "...Is what you -- that's you, dude." Ted insists the kiss is just a leftover reflex from when they were a couple. Still, he's concerned he's now blown the deal with her. Barney tries to talk him into thinking that he has, but Marshall points out that maybe Robin didn't think it was weird.
At Ted's, Robin says, "It was weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. Weird. W-I-E-R-D [sic] weird." Lily corrects her spelling, and Robin says, "C'mon Lily, nobody likes a Ted." Ouch. Undeterred, Lily goes into her I-told-you-so speech about exes relapsing, and how someone always gets hurt. "Story of my life. My cuteness interferes with people hearing my message." And how cute does Hannigan look here, by the way? You can tell by her face that she's expecting, and it makes her look far younger than her years. I want to give her a big glass of milk. And maybe some cookies, even though they're probably not on the What To Expect diet. Robin asks Lily what she should do. And we cut to...
MacLaren's: Barney says to Ted, "There's only one thing to do. You have to stop sleeping together. Please." Aww. At Ted's, Robin is coming to the same conclusion, minus the "please." She says with her and Ted it's like cigarettes. You think you can have one when you're drunk, and the next thing you know you're smoking a carton a week. She tells Lily she thinks she has to end it. At MacLaren's, Ted tells Barney and Marshall he has to end it.
Cut to Ted and Robin having a very mature, subdued conversation about ending it, and they conclude their conversation with a handshake. Later, Ted goes to the fridge and discovers an empty milk bottle. He bellows out, "Robin" and the next thing you know, they're back in bed, and Ted's once again insisting they keep it a secret. "Deal?" says Ted.
"Deal," says Robin.
"Deal," says Marshall, who's standing in the doorway to his old bedroom, magazine tucked under his arm, gaping down at his friends. Huh. He must have made copies of the key.
At MacLaren's, Lily reads them the riot act, while Barney looks like he's going to turn into the Incredible Hulk. He buys another TV at the electronics store and smashes it in MacLaren's alley, and returns to the bar able to smile for a while. Robin asks Marshall why he was back in "our" apartment, anyhow. Marshall explains how great everything was going over a montage of him eating -- a lot. Then one morning, he took his magazine down to the 8th floor, entered Narnia through the wardrobe, and we...
Flashback to GNB: Two construction workers enter the 8th floor office area, discussing how they're going to gut the whole place and which walls need to come down. As the shorter, stouter one hefts a sledgehammer, we cut to Marshall, sitting on the commode, reading his magazine. "Celebrities pick up their dry cleaning? I pick up my dry cleaning!" Heh. Without warning, the sledgehammer smashes through the wall next to Marshall's head and he screams. "Ahhhhhh! Don't come in!" Back at MacLaren's he laments to the gang that his perfect "reading" situation didn't last too long.
Cut to Ted's. Barney's wearing green rubber gloves and carrying two large trash bags out of the kitchen as Ted enters. Ted wants to know what he's doing there. I think, in his own special way, he's telling you what Marshall's been telling you all along, dude. You need to change your locks! Barney says, "Oh well, since all these roomie squabbles are still causing friction between you and Robin, I thought I'd help out. Oh, BTW, I went by the post office today. I picked you up some stamps. Here's ten thousand. That oughta do ya." That's $4,200.00, Barney. I hope you bought the Forever stamps .
Ted goes to get a couple of beers out of the fridge and finds it completely full of half gallons of milk. The beauty here is there seems to be four different cap colors, so not only did Barney go crazy buying the milk, he bought whole milk, 2%, 1% and skim, just in case. Oh, and Barney bought and installed a new dishwasher, but tries to deny it, saying it's been there all along. The Energy Guide tag still dangling from the handle of the stainless steel beauty gives him away, so he tears it off. Ted finally twigs to what's going on and asks Barney if he's in love with Robin.
After the commercial, Ted follows Barney from the kitchen to the living room, this time insisting Barney's in love with Robin, rather than asking if he is. Barney says that's crazy talk. "Can't a bro clean another bro's apartment like bros... do?" Ted asks him to name one bro in bro history who's done so. I yell out, "Felix Unger," but Barney's not listening. "I'll name two: Misters Clean and Belvedere." Ted explains that he and Robin have been totally casual, and he won't freak out if Barney has feelings for her. Barney denies it. "No. No, I don't. I don't, no. I don't. I don't. No. Robin is all yours, dude. Have fun with her." He sprays down Ted's table with cleaner, gives it a half-assed swipe, removes his gloves and heads for the door. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go sleep with other girls."
Ted asks, "Are you sure?" Barney confirms that he is. Ted says, "Positive?"
Barney says, "Absolutely."
Cut to Barney sitting in a black chair that looks suspiciously like the one from "Little Minnesota." "And then I stormed out. Why did I do that? I mean, maybe it goes back to my father issues, but I basically gave my best friend license to have sex with the girl of my dreams. I totally sabotaged myself." He flicks open a silver lighter with his right hand and lights the cigarette he's holding with his left. "And now I'm smoking. Now I'm smoking." The camera pans back to reveal not a psychiatrist's office, not a dirty, skanky, surgically enhanced, Eastern European prostitute, but Lily's kindergarten class, in rapt attention. Lily, who is rocking the lovely pregnancy cleavage once again, growls at Barney to get out. He protests. "But it's feelings hour, and I'm holding Feely the Share Bear, and whoever's holding Feely the Share Bear gets to sit in the share chair."
Lily fumes. "Barney, this is not your private therapist's office. These kids have issues to talk about too, you know. Ben's parents are getting divorced." Little Ben perks up. "They are?" Horrified at her slip, Lily quickly (but not deftly) changes the subject to coloring, and we cut to...
Barney's office. He's fiddling with his Bluetooth and still holding Feely the Share Bear when Marshall enters his office with a big smile. Barney assumes Lily sent him to take back the bear, and he's so not giving it up. Marshall remains silent, so Barney asks him why he's smiling. It seems Marshall just "read a magazine" at work. He's so proud of himself, it's like a little kid who finally mastered the potty. Marshall explains that when he caught himself looking at hotel rates, he decided it was time to let go of his hang-ups and do what he had to do, and once he decided thusly, everything changed.
We're treated to a scene of Marshall strutting down the hallway, coffee in one hand, magazine in the other. Ewww, he's not going to bring the coffee into the bathroom, is he? That's just wrong. [ You think that's wrong? I used to work with a guy who brought a slice of pizza in. - Zach ] As Marshall sallies forth, his boss, his boss's boss, and "I-Can't-Believe-He-Has-A-Wife Donald" all smile and nod at him, as Marshall imagines them thinking lovely things about him. He pauses before the bathroom door and we hear a woman's voice. It's Kim Kardashian, come to life on the cover of his newest THEM WEEKLY . "Marshall, you made a brave step today. Remember what Shakespeare wrote: 'Virtue is bold, and goodness never fearful'." Marshall answers her with a smile. "You're right, Super-Hot-Lady Who-My-Wife-Keeps-Telling-Me-Why-You're-Famous But-I-Keep-Forgetting." Apparently, he's never seen her ass. "Let's do this." Kim tells him to lead the way.
Barney congratulates him, and the admiration in his eyes is just making me silly. Marshall demurs at first, but then says, "You know, sometimes you just gotta... you gotta man up and... and just go for it."
Barney looks down at Feely, then rises to his feet. He tosses the bear to Marshall and says, "Marshall, I have to go." On his way out, he pushes open a door behind him and says, "Oh, by the way, I have a bathroom here if you ever want to use it." Just as Marshall's about to cuss, the camera cuts to...
Ted's apartment. Barney bursts in, announcing that he's in love. Robin rounds the corner before he says her name, so he just adds, "...With tacos." Ted's not home, so Robin fills Barney in on the fact that Ted ended his friends-with-benefits relationship with her. Barney says, "Really? That's awes -- ful." Robin tries to call him on that, but Barney persists in saying "awesful." When he asks her what happened, Robin says that Ted said someone was going to end up getting hurt, and she says that we all know who that was.
Heading to the fridge, Barney gives her non-committal responses, waiting to hear what Robin will say -- who and what she thinks is so obvious. Of course, she just means Ted was the one who would get hurt. "You know what a romantic he is. He can't separate the physical from the emotional. He's all like..."
And in the sweetest, most desperate, hopeful voice, Barney tells Robin, "I love you."
And either Robin's such a faker that she makes Barney look wet behind the ears, or she's more innocent than even Marshall, because she just says, "Exactly. He's not like you. You know?" Barney slowly shakes his head. His expression darkens. Robin keeps on talking about Ted. "Besides, we're friends. I don't want to screw that up by getting involved. Dating friends never works out." Barney's heart beats a path out of his chest and dies, right there on Ted's living room floor. Oblivious to the carnage, Robin says, "So... uh... you want to get a taco?"
Barney says, "A taco?"
"You love them, remember?"
Barney says he does. Robin says she's hungry. She wades her way through his heart's blood and to the door. Barney gathers his remains together, and walks out behind her, as Haley Taylor's No More Wishing drives to tears those few stoics who weren't taken there by Neil Patrick Harris, and Barney's heartache and longing.
With Taylor's song still playing in the background, we cut to MacLaren's. The whole gang is there as Saget!Ted takes us home: "So Robin and I went back to just being roommates and things went back to normal. Your Aunt Lily was right. When two exes decide to just be casual, someone always gets hurt. It just wasn't one of us." No, it was your kids, you big, dumb galoot, for having to hear how you were nailing their Aunt Robin. Someone call Social Services.
I don't know what I thought of this one. It was certainly a fine episode, and the continuity fairy was as generous as ever. She spoils us, you know. But look, I have kids. I've changed more diapers than I want to remember. Now that everyone's long trained, I try not to think about poop as much as this episode requires. I'm also getting tired of the stunt casting on the show, and yet this was a unique way to use it, so kudos for that. I've wanted the show to explore Robin and Ted some more ever since Robin talked to Ted at his almost-wedding, but I wish it had happened differently and that it had happened in an episode that really belonged to Barney. And yet, it's because of Robin and Ted that Barney owned this episode, and me, especially once he got past busting TVs and showed his heartbreak. Thanks to RobinJr in the forums, who identified Haley Taylor's beautiful song. See you next week.
Discuss this episode in our forums , then read up on "awesome," "lawyered" and "Private Thing" in HIMYM: The New Verbiage !
Cindy McLennan has a friend with benefits. She calls him her husband. Hey you kids and your "hook ups" -- get offa her lawn. Or e-mail her at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com.