Do I Know You?
Updated 2008-09-23 09:44:19
In the year 2030, Saget!Ted is still trying to bore his teenage children to death. "Kids, here's something I wish my dad had told me: the longest pause you will ever experience in your life is the one that follows this question..."
In the present, Ted asks Stella, "Will you marry me?"
Saget!Ted informs us via voice-over that your brain goes into overdrive imagining all the possible responses, and we see Stella refuse quietly. Next, we see Stella refuse with disgust, then again, with hysterical laughter. Finally she says, "Oh I'm sorry Ted, I can't. Mark Johnson, the quarterback from your high school football team already asked me."
Mark walks up and says, "What's up, Turd?" and I've been reading too much online commentary lately, because I can no longer remember how to spell turd , without the help of a dictionary. Saget continues that if you're lucky, she may answer with the single greatest word in the English language. No, not turd ; Saget!Ted means, "Yes." What if you asked her in Welsh -- not that the Welsh word for yes is turd . Intertran informs me it's either do or ie , which, given the way Welsh uses the alphabet for completely different sounds than English, could be pronounced turd for all I know.
Stella and Ted spent the summer happily engaged. Even though Ted has a perfectly fine bedroom in this shared apartment, we see them making out on the couch. Considerate. Marshall watches them make out on the couch. Marshall asks them, "What are you doing?" Lily devoted the summer to painting. Marshall watches her paint. Marshall asks her, "What are you doing?" Barney spent the summer in physical therapy, recovering from the bus accident. Marshall watches his rehab. Marshall asks him, "What are you doing?" Marshall starts taping down his eyebrows, and taping up the tip of his nose. Marshall watches himself in the mirror. Marshall asks himself, "What are you doing ?" Saget!Ted tells us Marshall just spent the summer coping with unemployment. Gee, ya think?
Meanwhile, Robin continues to hold up the "high journalistic standards" of TWoP, er...that's not right...whatever outfit she works for. At the anchor desk, Robin is all business. "Is you favorite brand of dental floss poisoning your entire family? Tune in at 11 for the shocking... tooth." Oh, Robin. Let's blow this clambake and go down MacLaren's.
At MacLaren's, Robin announces to Marshall, Lily, Ted, Barney, and me that she officially hates her job. She doesn't feel like a real reporter (probably because there no longer are any real reporters). She just shows up at night and scares people, sort of like the TWoP moderators. She calls herself, "The Bogeyman with a teleprompter." Remember when the recappers used to mod the forums, and some posters would blow long and hard about how hysterically funny the recaps were, even when they were just... well, like this weecap? Well, that's Barney, here. He laughs, repeats the joke, says it's hilarious and congratulates her. He looks around the table, because no one else is joining in. Intending no offense to Robin, Lily calls him on laughing too hard, saying it just wasn't that funny. Barney says, "Are you kidding? Smart, funny, beautiful -- the whole package. It's everything you're afraid to let yourself want." He remembers himself and adds, "...In a joke." Neil Patrick Harris is fantastic in this scene, by the way. He manages to let his vulnerability bubble up during that hasty confession, and you feel for Barney like he's someone other than Barney. He resumes laughing and Lily gives him her incredulous face, which is nothing like Willow's resolve face.
The next morning, Lily shows up at Barney's place, because he called and begged her to come over at 7:22 in the morning, and no I don't know if that means he called at 7:22 AM or if she's arriving at 7:22 AM, but I don't think it matters in their New York, because you can get everywhere in three minutes. NPH, by the way, looks like he spent the summer working out, and it agrees with me. Him. We. Us. Huh? He's all atwitter. He says he could tell Lily knew something was up with him and she's right. He turns from her as he says he can't tell her what it is. He then does his very best Gollum/Sméagol. "I should tell you. But I can't. But I have to. I never will. I'm going to. Let's just drop it. What's up with you?" Lily tells him to just say it. He closes his eyes and the dread he feels is plain as day. "I think I'm in love with Robin."
At Ted's (and Marshall's, and Lily's) Marshall tells Ted that Lily wants ideas for Stella's bridal shower gift. He asks if Stella likes to cook. Ted doesn't know. He asks her favorite color. Ted has no clue. Marshall asks if Stella has any hobbies. Ted says, "Yes! She's exactly the kind of person who would have hobbies. And interests, too. I am one lucky son of a bitch." I didn't know you could say son of a bitch on TV, now. I knew you could say bitch , but I didn't realize S.O.B. was S.O.P. for CBS's S&P. Who do they think they are -- TWoP?
Marshall takes his clue-stick to Ted. "Dude, you don't know anything about the woman you're marrying." When Marshall asks the color of Stella's eyes, Ted bluffs that they're the color of the ocean after a storm. Marshall presses for specifics. "Which is?" to which Ted can only reply, "Beautiful." Marshall and I squint at him, because it's pretty freaking pathetic that he's marrying someone he might not be able to describe to a police sketch artist.
Back at Barney's, Lily tells Barney she figured he needed her to un-cuff him from his sex swing. Again. Look, Lily. You're Willow and he's Doogie. I can pretend you're not, except, for some reason, when it's the two of you alone together. So? I don't want to know about his sex play and your lack of discomfort in freaking rescuing him from it. She's not listening to me, I can tell. She's too excited that he's in love with Robin and thinks it's sweet, but Barney's disgusted with himself. "It's not sweet. It's like a disease. I slept with Robin one time and I caught feelings. I caught feelings bad . I used protection and everything." Lily laughs as she tries to explain the reality of feelings to him, and that they're good. Barney disagrees. He thinks they're terrible. He's not eating. He's not sleeping. He sees Robin every time he closes his eyes or hears a song. In the background, a pretty little blonde wrapped only in a towel leaves his bedroom and enters the bathroom (or vice versa) and says good morning to them. Barney says, "I sleep with that chick; I'm thinking about Robin." Lily shakes her head. I warn Doogie to keep it clean, for my sake.
Back at Ted's, Ted admits that he may not know everything about Stella, and then turns the tables on Marshall, accusing him of not liking her. Nothing could be further from the truth. Marshall starts listing off the reasons, but when he mentions that she's a Mets fan, Ted is surprised. And who wouldn't be? I mean, if you have to root for a New York team, and I thank my maker I do not, why pick the Mets? If you're going to go over to the dark side, go all the way over. Like Sars , before him, even Dan Manu roots for the Y*nkees . Marshall reminds Ted that he's only known Stella a couple of months and he's moving awfully fast. He encourages him to slow down. Does anyone, anywhere know a guy Ted's age who is so hell-bent on marriage for its own sake? Usually, my husband is the one asking about this, while I'm thinking it's sweet, but Ted's moving so fast this time, I'm getting whiplash. I don't like it. I like Stella, a lot. Sarah Chalke is beautiful, and great in this role. I was all for her being the mother last season, but now Ted's driving me nuts. "I'll have a whole lifetime to get to know her better. Right now, I know the one thing that I have to -- that I love her.
There's a quick cut to Barney's where Lily is saying, "You love her? Barney, how can you be in love, and still sleeping with anything that moves?"
Barney's confused and compares Lily's question to saying, "How can an ant carry twenty times its body weight, but root beer floats are still delicious? Are the two even related, really?" Lily punches him. I punch the laugh track. I never liked the darned things, but I've been spoiled by The Office .
Lily tells Barney he's going to have to stop being such a hound if he wants to be Robin's boyfriend. Barney objects to the very idea of being a boyfriend. When Lily asks him what he does want, Barney doesn't know. He leans his upper body on his kitchen counter, extends his legs backwards balancing his lower body only on the toes of his shoes, and moves his left leg back and forth. You've got to see it, yourself. His posture makes the scene. "I just want to be with her. All the time. I want to hear about her day. I want to tell her about mine. I want to hold her hand and smell her hair. Pfffft. But I don't want to be her stupid boyfriend." Lily, who looked enchanted as Barney told her about his feelings for Robin, explains he not only wants to be Robin's boyfriend, he wants to be her clingy boyfriend. Barney shifts his tone and flat out asks Lily if she's going to help him or not.
Lily says, "I'm a kindergarten teacher. I see a confused little kid in the corner, trying to eat the lefty scissors? I gotta help the poor little bastard." The scissors, really? New York kids are tough. 'Round here, kids just ate paste. I never did, but it was tempting. It smelled sort of minty. Of course, you don't get paste at school, anymore. Your parents have to buy you glue sticks and don't get me started on how much I spent on school supplies for three kids, this year. I'm trying to repress the angry letter I want to send to the local middle school. I like to save my moaning for something important, like the time I tried (and failed) to save recess for the third and fourth graders. Don't get me started on that, either. Anyhow, Lily agrees to help Barney, but only if he agrees to stop sleeping around. He does, and they shake on it.
At Metro News 1, Robin's teasing another terrifying story. "Is your local ice cream man driving a roving meth labs, on wheels? Stay tuned for the full... scoop. Really? " Poor Robin. She needs a new job.
At his place, Ted's serving Stella a romantic dinner. She's impressed. "I know dudes think it's girlie for a guy to cook, but us ladies -- we find it mighty sexy."
Ted unties the back of his apron and swings the string. "Oh really, my grandma taught me how."
"Oh yes she did." Stella's feeling saucy.
He moves his face right down to Stella's. "I had a lot of time after school, to watch her cook, because I wasn't good at sports." Stella plays along, saying she's on fire, right now. I feel like I'm watching Elliot and J.D. I never realized how similar Ted's hairstyle is to Dr. Dorian's, whom Stella could use right now, because the secret ingredient in Ted's delicious pesto sauce isn't love, but peanuts, to which he -- of course -- doesn't know his beloved is deathly allergic. Stella keels over; the ambulance comes and I wish Turk was moonlighting, but no such luck.
Stella recovers and they're back at Ted's, where he's pumping her for information about herself, but she's too tired to play, on account of the fact that he tried to kill her. She just wants to go to sleep, and apparently spending time with her daughter is no longer the issue it once was. Ted draws a little more out of her -- her first kiss, her first serious kiss, her first intimate relationship. He teases her about being a prude for waiting until her sophomore year of college. She teases Ted about being a slut for having sex his junior year of high school and I'm bored with these two.
At Barney's (it's another day -- Lily's in different clothes), Lily encourages him to call Robin. NPH is growing a mustache and I can't decide whether or not I like it. It was working for me when he had the dark brown shirt on in the earlier scenes, but now he's in a more beige-toned shirt and he just looks unkempt. What's up with that, Neil? Robin's phone rings; Barney panics, let's out a high pitched, "Aaahheushuhaa," and hangs up, telling Lily that Robin wasn't there but he left a voice mail. Lily says, "You left a voice, but it wasn't male." Heh. Barney's hardly new to calling women, so Lily is puzzled as to why this is so tough. She missed the part where he's in love with Robin. Barney explains that booty calls are easy, and get shorter, as the hour grows late. By 3:00 AM, you can land one by sending just a question mark via text messaging. Lily's disgusted that Barney got laid by sending a question mark and punches him, again. See, Barney? Nothing good happens after 2:00 AM . Barney objects, saying the text message question mark is no worse than Lily's super obvious code words.
Flashback to MacLaren's. The gang is hanging out, when suddenly, Lily says, "Rhinoceros," but to my chagrin, Marshall fails to reply, " Imposserous ," and instead makes their excuses, fooling exactly no one that they're going off to have sex. Lily's annoyed that they now need a new code word.
The phone rings and Barney freaks, because it's her . He tries to play it all smooth and casual, but Robin seems rushed and stressed and doesn't have time for small talk. She says, "You called and went, 'Aaahheushuhaa', and hung up." Barney pleads with Lily for help. She tells him to ask Robin something, so he asks how she's feeling today. She adds to ask something personal, so Barney asks Robin at what age she first got her period. See, isn't that romantic? Like me, Robin's annoyed. Lily coaches Barney to just ask her out. He starts to, then freezes, ends the call abruptly and tries to play it off to Lily like it was all a practical joke on her , and that he never had feelings for Robin. He points out the cameras hidden in his living room, and then takes off for another room, because even he's not buying what he's selling. Lily sits on the couch, wondering what she's going to do with him, and then we see a shot of her in black and white, with a counter super-imposed on the bottom of the screen, as she realizes there really are cameras in Barney's living room. She's grossed out, and pulls her blazer tight around her chest.
Ted and Stella are sitting on his couch. She tells him the first movie she ever saw was Benji , in 1981. He tells her he first saw Star Wars with his dad at an old Drive-In. She's never seen Star Wars , because she grew up in a galaxy far, far away.
At MacLaren's, Marshall is even more shocked by this news than Ted and I were. Marshall uses this as proof that Ted doesn't know Stella well enough. What if he shows her the film and she doesn't like it. Ted denies he's worried. He plays it off like, "Dude, it's just a movie." Marshall insists it's a text of how compatible they are. Flash forward to their apartment, to what the title card tells us is "121 awesome minutes later." Ted and Marshall are mesmerized by the TV and Ted says, "Okay, if Stella doesn't like this movie, I can't marry her." Marshall agrees and they watch it again, because that's the way they couch potato.
We open on the exterior of a restaurant and bar, which is all I know, because that's all the sign outside says. Inside, Lily, looking great in a navy blue cocktail dress, follows Barney to the dining room. He turns to her. "Wait, where are the boys? I thought this was a group thing." Lily lied -- set him up to have a date with Robin because despite Robin's great body, she's not in love with her, Barney is. He's concerned Robin sees him as a womanizer. When Lily encourages him to show her the other side of Barney she met the other day, which I take it has nothing to do with a sex swing (I still don't want to know), Barney says, "You mean the insecure, touchy-feely she-male who sounded alarmingly close to Ted?"
"Hey, Ted hit that for over a year."
Barney sees her point and walks off to Robin, asking Lily to wish him luck.
Ted has Stella over to watch Star Wars , but he's hoping way too hard that she'll love it and can't believe when she walks off to get a beer during the, "In a galaxy far, far away," opening sequence. Marshall pops up from behind the couch. "Off to a bad start!" When he adds that he's making sure his best friend is marrying the right woman, Ted tells him he really needs to get a job. Marshall agrees. I don't know. I think maybe Ted just needs to get a life that isn't solely focused on getting a wife.
At the restaurant, Barney is Mr. Sensitivity and Respectability, and Robin keeps waiting for gross, inappropriate Barney to appear, but he's on his very best behavior and says he thinks tonight's going to be "De...wait for it...lightful. Delightful!" She even sets him up a couple of times. "I went to the chiropractor the other day. That guy bent me over the table and pounded me for a good hour." Barney doesn't even flinch; he just hopes it was covered by her insurance. She tries again. She mentions she went to the dentist and that guy drilled her all day long. "He drilled me hard. He filled all my cavities." Nothing. "Come on, man." Barney simply replies that her teeth look fantastic. She yells, "Who are you?"
Ted watches Stella intently as she tries to watch the movie. She thinks he wants to get romantic but he starts telling her Star Wars fun facts. She gets that it's really important to him for her to like the movie, even though he tries to deny it. She finally banishes him to his bedroom. Marshall pops up from behind the couch, asking if he should leave, too, which causes her to scream. Ted rushes out thinking she's found a part she loves, and makes an ass out of himself, because apparently, that's the purpose of his relationship with Stella.
At Le Restaurant Bar, an extremely well-endowed waitress, in a low cut blouse, bends over in Barney's face as she pours the wine, and almost converts Neil Patrick Harris. What a trooper. Barney never takes his eyes off Robin, though. Robin snaps at him in disbelief. "Nothing? Not even a glance? I mean even I was thinking about rocking a motorboat on those bad boys. What the hell is wrong with you, Barney?" Don't you think she knows? Somewhere deep down inside, doesn't she have to know? Barney insists that he doesn't always want to be that guy, and asks Robin about herself. She confesses that there's a job at a new cable network that would be perfect for her, but she's decided not to apply, because she feels like a joke -- the scary news lady from the local channel. Oh Robin, you poor, poor Canadian. Our ways are so foreign to you -- so exotic. Don't you know that's how they all get their start. Then they get respectable. Then they end up back how they started, which lands them a cushy spot on The View , right Babs? But just like Lily knows Barney's more than a crass womanizer, Barney knows Robin is more than the Bogeyman with a teleprompter, and makes her promise to apply. Flattered and moved, she does.
From Ted's bedroom, Marshall tries to listen in on Stella's movie watching -- with the old glass-to-the-wall trick. Does that work? He tells Ted that she's up to the scene where Luke, Leia, Han, and Chewy escape from the Death Star's trash compactor. Ted says that's a great scene, but Marshall corrects him that it's a great scene, and I think Marshall is right. He can't believe Stella didn't make a peep. Ted opens the door to spy on her, and sees her pick up her cell and start sending a text message. When he relays this to Marshall, Marshall says, "I'll tell her you still want to be friends." Ted starts to rant that Stella knows this is important to him, and yet she's blatantly... He's cut off by the ring of his own cell phone. Stella was texting him, of course. "Stop watching me, Jackasses." Heh.
At the bar section of Le Restaurant Bar, Barney and Robin toast to taking chances. Barney says, "You know Robin, there actually is something I do want to talk to you about." The bartender interrupts -- it's last call. Barney orders a final round and Robin excuses herself to go to the ladies room, telling him to hold that thought. Barney says, "I will."
Stella enters Ted's bedroom, and tells him and Marshall that she loves Star Wars . Ted's so excited. "Yes, I am marrying a woman who's not only hot, but loves Star Wars . That's the dream." He high-fives the air, and explains to Stella that he's high-fiving his 15-year-old self though the space-time continuum. Turning back to his imaginary self he says, "We did it. We did it you masturbating little bastard." Great. First the sex swing, then the pounding and drilling, and now this. My mother is going to read this weecap. Hi mum. Sorry, mum. He runs to the kitchen for some champagne as I regret my decision to let my mother know about this gig. Once Ted's gone, Marshall asks Stella if she hates Star Wars and boy does she. She refers to Chewie as a "walking bear" and Marshall loses it on her, because Chewie's a Wookiee. Everyone knows that. He remembers himself and his purpose. "Look Stella, that is Ted's favorite movie of all time. He watches it when he's home sick with the flu. He watches it on rainy Sunday afternoons in the fall. He watches it on Christmas Eve . Ted watches Star Wars in sickness and in health; in good times and in bad. Do you really think you can pretend to like a movie you actually hate -- for the rest of your life."
Stella thinks it over and smiles. "I do." Awwww.
"Well then Ted's a lucky guy." Marshall pats her arm as she leaves the room, then he scoffs. "Pffft. Bear ."
At Le Restaurant Bar bar, Robin returns and interrupts Barney as he starts to tell her the deal. "April, haaaaave you met Barney?" The busty waitress follows her up to the bar. Barney says hello and Robin smiles. "April just finished her shift and is looking to blow off some steam." When Barney asks her what she's doing, Robin says that he was so nice to her, she wanted to "return the favor -- wingwoman style." Robin goes on, lying to April that Barney is the Y*nkees new second baseman. "And Barney, April asked if tomorrow, you could hit a 'goal' for her, at the baseball 'match'." In an aside to Barney, she says, "You can't make this stuff up." She wishes them a good evening and leaves. Oh, Scherbatsky, you totally know, and you're just not dealing.
When April tries to make small talk, Barney tells her he's not a Y*nkee, and any other night he'd try to convince her otherwise. He looks regretful. "I'm just some guy who's in love with the girl that just left, and she's never going to feel the same way, so I'm just going to go."
Flash forward to Barney's place, where he's telling Lily that was it. She's sorry, but tells him he can't give up -- that it might take some time, but once Robin sees the new him... They're interrupted by April, wearing only a man's white dress shirt, and holding the phone. "Barney, once my family gets to Y*nkee Stadium (which is closed now, HA) are the tickets under your name, or mine?" Barney says they're under his name and that her nephews should bring their gloves because they'll be in 'foul ball country'. She runs back the bedroom, and Lily is aghast.
Barney laughs at her. "Come on! Okay, well, the Robin stuff was completely true." Lily punches him again, and chews him out for being in love with Robin and boinking bimbos. She tells him he has to choose right now, and he chooses bimbos because they make him happy, make him feel alive, make him want to pretend to be a better man. His heart belongs to bimbos. Lily thinks this is just a defense mechanism, and that he's confused, but Barney says, "Oh, I'm not confused, Lily. You know who is confused? Bimbos. They're easily confused. It's one of the thousand little things I love about them." He goes on, but even though I love Barney, I get a little tired of his shtick, so just know that anything and everything a misogynist with a soft spot for bimbos might say, Barney said it. Lily leaves dejected and disgusted. When she's gone, he drops the mask, looks at his watch and turns on the TV, to Metro News 1. He smiles at Robin's image on his screen, closes his eyes for but a second, shuts off the TV, and walks out of the kitchen.
End tag: our favorite five are at MacLaren's, laughing and talking. Lily turns to Marshall and says, "Chimichanga," and he says they have to go. Barney throws his hands in the air; Robin and Ted smile and sort of shake their heads. And we're all out of show, which is too bad, because NPH really hit this one out of the park. He was believable and still faithful to Barney, throughout every scene, and nailed every emotion. He and Alyson Hannigan need more episodes like this. They're brilliant together. But neither of them is as good of an actor as that big old faker Robin Scherbatsky, who totally knows Barney's into her, and if her past leading up to her relationship with Ted is any indication, Barney's feelings are not unrequited.
How I Met Your Mother is so legendary that it has its own lexicon. Check out our l ist of the crazy verbiage that this show has brought unto the world.
Cindy McLennan is a wife, and a mother of three, so she has to wait 'til her kids are in bed to watch this dirty little show, which means she's now too tired now to tell you anything more about herself. Rest assured though, that her kids will never get to read this weecap. You can e-mail her at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com. She'll probably reply, unless her mother takes away her computer.