Dowisetrepla
Updated 2008-04-18 19:20:08
The year 2030. In the future, SagetTed's son is wearing a jacket, so we must have licked that whole global warming thing. Thanks Al Gore! SagetTed tells the kids that everybody makes mistakes. He mentions a girl named Meg, who made a mistake named "Barney." We cut immediately to the year 2007, with Barney chatting up a very attractive lady at the bar. (Is there any other kind on this show?) Meg is telling Barney about how her last boyfriend had major commitment issues. She thought she was going to marry him. The whole relationship lasted three weeks. Barney pretends to love commitment. He wishes he could marry commitment.
Immediate cut to Ted and Barney on the apartment couch. They've had about eight beers between them. Barney is telling Ted about the girl he met the night before. He says she was perky, full-of-life and not at all fake. Ted asks if Barney is asking about her boobs. "Sí," Barney says. Then he says that it wasn't Spanish. He was talking about her cup size. What-uuuuup! Bro-dap is exchanged. Beer bottles are clinked. Ted, really into his cups, wants a word picture describing Meg's boobs. You don't have to twist Barney's arm. Barney tells Ted to imagine the heads of two Irish babies named (blubber sound) and (blubber sound). The camera changes angles to show Lily saying, "Please stop." She and Marshall are trying to have a little candlelit dinner and wine. SagetTed explains that when you get married you outgrow some parts of your life. The fun ones. Oh, I kid the marriage! It rules. On weekends, sometimes.
SagetTed goes on to explain that the parts Lily and Marshall were outgrowing were mostly him. We cut to a scene where Lily accidentally walks in on Ted in the bathroom, shaving. She runs out screaming. Ted, holding a towel around his lower body, runs after her, asking why she'd walk in on him shaving. "I thought you were shaving your face !" she wails. "Well, clearly I WASN'T!" Ted screams back. Ew. Ted's one of those guys with swimmer's nethers. We side-wipe to a scene of Robin and Barney on the couch, smoking cigars and being loud about a boxing match on TV. Robin just lost a bet. "Pay up, hussy!" Barney yells at her. Marshall, rockin' a "Corner Café" shirt, comes out of his bedroom and complains that it's 3 in the morning and it reeks in the apartment. "Ted said it was okay," Robin tells him. Ted comes back from the kitchen. He asks if Marshall isn't taking the bar the next morning. Marshall glares at him.
SagetTed says that this was all about to come to a head. A new scene in the apartment. This time, Marshall is holding an open jar of peanut butter and complaining that Ted forgot to put the lid back on it. It's a shout-out to the infamous Pedro/Puck fight from Real World San Francisco . In fact, Marshall starts ranting that this immature "jackassery" reminds him of living in The Real World house, and not the early years, when they had jobs and social consciences, but post-Hawaii. Marshall keeps yelling, concluding by saying that he and Lily are going to look for their own place. Wow, why not just kick Ted out? He doesn't need all this space. Lily confesses that she was the one who left the lid off the peanut butter. Still, SagetTed tells us, it was time to move forward.
MacLaren's. Marshall is using his laptop to do some apartment hunting. He finds one that sounds good, but Lily tells him it's not for rent, it's for sale. We freeze. SagetTed says that Marshall will tell you that he made three big mistakes in his life. The first shows us a little boy Marshall on the roof of a house, tied to balloons, wearing fake wings and sporting a football helmet. Kids below are telling him to jump. Presumably, he does. His next mistake is shaving his head right before getting married from the end of last season. Ha! Still classic. The third and biggest: "We should buy a place!" Marshall is saying at the bar. Don't make major mortgage decisions in a place that serves hard liquor, kids. Marshall says that real estate is always a good investment. "It isn't," says SagetTed. Marshall: The market is really hot right now. SagetTed: "It wasn't." Marshal says that with his new job, they're financially stable. SagetTed: "They weren't."
SagetTed says that Lily had a secret. We see her at a support group, standing up and saying she's a shopaholic. Robin is there with her. It's like Lily can't even take a pee these days without Robin holding up the toilet lid for her. Lily tells the group that she has 15 credit cards maxed out. She also shows off her designer clothes and purse, which seems unwise. She says her husband doesn't know and she feels terrible. She also wants to know where one of the other members of the group got her adorable shoes.
MacLaren's. Lily tells Marshall that they can't buy a place because they have debt. Marshall feels bad about his big student loans. Lily says she forgives him. Are they trying really hard to make us hate Lily this season? I don't get it. Lily explains that she knows Marshall went to a fancy big-name law school because it makes him feel good and pretty. Marshall ignores the weirdness and says they should go look at the apartment for sale. Marshall reads on the Web site that it's in a neighborhood called, "Dowisetrepla."
Cut to the apartment, which is very lovely with tasteful brown crown molding and chic furniture. The realtor ¬-- hey, it's Janice from Friends -- explains that the name of the neighborhood should be obvious to New Yorkers. Marshall says they do live in the city. Realtor Janice explains that in New York, they shorten the names of neighborhoods, like SoHo, TriBeCa, Nolita. Lily pretends to know this neighborhood. She totally doesn't. She says she's down with the D-Town. Janice says nobody calls it that. She does say that this is an up-and-coming neighborhood. She starts to rave about the area when Marshall stops her. He says she doesn't have to do the hard sell. He says this place is way out of their price range and that they just started looking. SagetTed tells us that's what Marshall should have told her. "I love it! Let's get it!" is what he actually said. Poor Marshall. He hugs Lily, who is miserable.
Ba ba pa pa! (And then some)...
Back at the Dowisetrepla apartment. Barney and Ted have been called over to check out the place. Ted thought this part of town was supposed to be water. Marshall pretends to know what the name is when Ted asks if it's an abbreviation. "He's from Ohio," he tells Janice. She rolls her eyes. Marshall says this is an up-and-coming neighborhood. He thinks this might be the place. Marshall thinks they can raise a family here. He goes into the obligatory dream sequence. Marshall, wearing sunglasses, is playing the drums while his three blonde boys (they gave birth to Hanson?) are playing keyboard, bass, and electric guitar. It's kinda cute. Lily walks in carrying a fourth boy and holding a plate. "Who wants chocolate pancakes?" she asks. That is a good fantasy. Back in the present reality, Marshall says this is gone be sweet. Robin raves about the kitchen, which is actually gorgeous, and has a kitchen island I covet. But it's just pretense to have a conversation about Lily's crazy debt. Robin says she has a debt the size of Mount Waddington. Robin has to explain that it's the tallest mountain in Canada. I thought that was Mount Logan . Robin says it's 4,000 meters high. "Meters?" Lily asks. The laugh track is oblivious to these Canadian-themed jokes. Lily doesn't want to tell Marshall. Robin suggests she tell him the place is haunted. "You really don't know Marshall, do you?" Lily asks. Why is Robin even on this show anymore? Back in the living room, Barney is sneakily asking the realtor about the apartment owners. She says they're on vacation in France for two weeks. Marshall pretends to be interested in buying the place himself. Janice gives him the lockbox code, which doesn't seem like something a realtor would do for someone she just met. She hands Barney a card. It says, "Worst Realtor Ever." Ted comes over asking what Barney's doing. Barney says it's a ploy to pick up a girl, use the apartment once, then never have to see the girl again. Brilliant! And...uh...a little sick. Janice, holding some tasty baked treats on a tray, tells Marshall and Lily that another couple is interested in the apartment. Marshall sees through her little ruse. He's not buying it. SagetTed says that's what Marshall should have said. We rewind to the real version: "Another couple!?" Marshall says, freaking, "No! We want it! Sell it to us! We'll give you so much more money!" Smooth, dude. Lily pulls him away. She says she's not sure it's time to buy right now. Marshall goes on again about their family. Lily has her own fantasy: daughters named Persephone and Daphne who also paint. The three of them have their own easels and they're exhibiting at a mother-daughter thing at the Met. Marshall, wearing a turtleneck and carrying a cute little black dog, brings in a plate of crepes au chocolat. "Merci, Papa!" the girls squeal. Hee hee. Back in reality. The realtor asks what they think. Lily tells Marshall they can't afford to buy an apartment because of her debt. Which is...what she should have said. SagetTed reveals cruel truth in what she actually said: "I love it! Let's get it! Can we charge it?"
MacLaren's. Everybody's toasting Marshall and Lily toward their step to adulthood...by making them chug their champagne. Wendy the Waitress asks if there's anything else they'd like. I'd like Wendy the Waitress, please. Is...what Ted should have said. Marshall orders the comically large bottle of champagne he's been eyeing at the bar for years. It's huge! A gong plays. Wendy warns that it's never been refrigerated and that there may have been fish in there at some point. "Once you've made the sale, stop selling," Marshall advises. Wendy needs help carrying the bottle. The boys leave and Lily explains to Robin that they'll apply for the loan under Marshall's name and she'll work to get her debt down. Right after she furnishes the apartment. Oh, Lily. "You should be a reality show," Robin tells her. The boys bring the bottle over to the booth. Marshall warns that the cork is as big as a softball and that they should point it away from Wendy's face. That's what he should have said. In reality, poor Wendy gets a huge cork in the face and screams. Now, ain't that just a cork in the face?
SagetTed says it's always good to check out an apartment you're buying at night. Barney does just that, with his date from the bar. She's impressed. Barney tells her to take anything she likes. She finds a photo and asks who they are. Barney says it's his parents. But they're Asian. Barney says Chinese couples adopt white kids: it works both ways. Barney offers his date some baked goods from the realtor. Meg the Date feels at home in the apartment. Barney pretends to rush in too fast. Overcome, Meg kisses him on the couch.
The next day, Marshall and Lily are at the mortgage broker's office. Marshall asks if he can get the loan in singles so he can swim around naked in the money, in a kiddie pool. The broker cracks up hard, and at that moment, I love him and Marshall both. Lily just looks nauseous. The broker, still laughing, asks for Lily's social security number. Lily asks why. It's for their joint loan. Lily asks if they can just do it in Marshall's name. She pretends to be a little wifey to Marshall's manly man. Marshall asks her to just give him the number. She says it really fast. The broker got it. He checks to see if they can get a good rate. "Under six percent," Marshall keeps repeating to himself. The broker reveals the number: 18 percent! Wow. That's crazy rates! Marshall asks what's up. The broker says they're lucky to even get a mortgage. The broker reveals that it's because of Lily's debt after Marshall has a breakdown about his student loans. Marshall looks at the number on screen. It's pretty big. Lily finally decides to reveal her debt to Marshall so he can hear it from her first. Nice one, Lily.
Ted, Robin and Barney arrive at the old apartment. Robin is asking Barney about his apartment squat with Meg. They spent the whole night. We side-whoosh to the morning after, with her on the couch in a bathrobe she thought belonged to Barney. Barney approves a visit from Meg's mother, but only if he gets to sleep on the couch. He's laying it on a bit thick. Shouldn't he have escaped while she was asleep? "I love you," Barney says suddenly. He says he's not gonna take it back. Meg is thrilled not to be the first one to say it, for once. Barney tells her to get in the shower while he makes waffles. Now he's just being cruel and unnecessary. While she heads off the bathroom, Barney grabs his coat and exits.
Back in the present, Robin asks if Barney did anything nasty while she let him house-sit while she went to Vancouver to visit her dad. "Yep," Barney says. Robin asks if that's why her little dog trembled for a week after she got back. Yep. Barney did some nasty things. Ted, with his bushy hair, has identified the scene of a fight between Marshall and Lily. He says whenever it happens, there's always a trail of evidence. "Oh, here we go," Robin says. She reveals that Ted had a detective club as a kid. It was called, "The Mosby Boys." Even thought it was Ted and his sister. Ted, defensively, says they solved the mystery of the missing retainer. It was in the garbage, Robin correctly guesses. Ted examines the evidence. He finds a water bottle with no label. Barney slaps back Robin's hand when she tries to touch the evidence. He's playing along. We cut to a CSI -style grainy scene of Lily and Marshall arguing, with no audio. In voiceover, Ted says that Lily always peels off the label when she's feeling guilty. This label was peeled off and torn up. "She must have done something bad," Ted says. He thinks Marshall must have been eating, the way he does when he's upset. They head for the kitchen. There's an empty carton of Cherry Garcia on the floor. Ted picks it up with a pencil. He takes a taste of it to gauge the time of the fight. Robin goes, "Ewwww." We see a re-creation of the fight in the kitchen. In the living room, Ted imagines Lily trying to make out with Marshall on the couch to distract him. They find a bra behind a couch cushion. Ted thinks Marshall left instead of having make-up sex. He slammed the door on his way out, which we see in the grainy film footage. Robin notices that a picture was blown off kilter by the slammed door. Barney offers to take the bra down to the lab. Robin grabs it back. Ted asks about motive even though Robin knows exactly what the argument was about. Ted thinks they were fighting about peanut butter. He throws on sunglasses, David Caruso-style , satisfied that he solved the case. Ted makes a lame Robin/Batman joke. Robin reveals the real reason for the fight. Robin says Lily has a mountain of debt the size of..."Mount Rushmore." The laugh track still doesn't get her crazy humor. Ted, still not convinced, uses the phone to trace Lily's last number dialed. The office of a divorce attorney answers. Everybody freaks out. We side-wipe to the three of them, sitting on the kitchen floor, eating ice cream. They're bummed about the impending divorce. Robin senses her own doom from the group. She says she'll get Lily and they'll get Marshall. Ted says they can still hang out. Then he and Robin agree that it's weird after all that they hang out now. Barney says the world needs Lily and Marshall together. He pretends not to cry: something's in his eye. Really? That's the joke? Something's in his eye? That old cliché? Fine, show, we'll let this one slide, but next time do a side-whoosh to some eye trauma that Barney once suffered or something, just to make it interesting. Lily and Marshall arrive. They have an announcement. Everybody's sad. Especially crying Barney. Ted asks about the divorce lawyer. Lily explains that they were fighting. Marshall stormed out.
We cut to the bar. Marshall is drinking from the giant bottle because he paid for it. Lily suggests they get a divorce. Marshall starts to freak. Lily says they'll just do it on paper so that Marshall can get the apartment without her baggage. Lily proposes divorce. Marshall loves her and won't do it. He's gonna stick with her and her awful debt. Marshall says they'll figure it out together. They kiss. Wendy, with a black eye, asks if they'd like anything else.
Old apartment. Everyone is relieved that there's no impending divorce. Robin asks about the announcement. Marshall says they decided not to get the apartment. It's not the right time. That's what he should have said. In reality, he said, "We got the place!" What the rest of them should have said: "Are you crazy? Have you lost your mind?" Instead, they all went, "Yay! Wow! Congratulations!" Man, this show is scary sometimes. Mortgages are no laughing matter, young people.
Marshall and Lily are arriving at the new apartment in a cab. They're so happy. Marshall opens the cab door and there's an overpowering stench. "It reeks!" he says. The cabbie says it's the plant. They shut it down on the weekends. He's surprised they don't know. This whole neighborhood is downwind of a sewage treatment plant. "Wait," Marshall says. The cabbie repeats what he said. The words "Downwind of the sewage treatment plant" appear on screen. Lily and Marshall look at them. The words combine to form, in yellow, "dowisetrepla." Marshall and Lily both go, "Uh oh!"