I Heart NJ
Updated 2008-10-07 09:40:42
As Robin, Ted, Marshall and Lily down beers at MacLaren's, Saget!Ted tells us that in the Fall of 2008, he had a little problem. Current-day Ted tells his disappointed friends that he's off to Stella's.
Barney walks in wearing a trench coat. "Tonight's the night, guys. I've tried it before, I've failed every time. This time, I'm going to do it. Tonight..." He undoes the coat and you think he's going to flash everyone right there and then, but wait for it. "...I pick up a Lesbian." He drops the coat to reveal some unholy manner of costume. I think it's a black knit two-piece woman's outfit. The top is like a black sweater vest with a blue and turquoise cubist patterned blouse (or make that blouse-parts) attached underneath. Of course there's a matching scarf. The gang claps, gasps and laughs. "Robin, I need your lipstick." Barney puts on a matching headband and dons some big ass glasses. Ted says, "Oh, man! Take pictures, all right?" Barney says "Bye Ted," as he applies his lipstick, even though the closed-captioning lies that he says, "Spicy." Hearing impaired people, I think it's time someone told you the closed captioneers are wrong nearly as often as they're right. The More You Know! Whoops, wrong network.
Saget!Ted continues. "I lived in New York." Interesting use of the past-tense, there. A silver train whooshes by. "But Stella lived across the river, in New Jersey." A guy sleeps on Ted's shoulder as he cringes. Next, he lets himself into Stella's, and she's asleep in very cute black lingerie, on her living room couch. Ted lets out the same disappointed: "Oh, man," he said to Barney. Stella snores. Being the last person on earth to remember she exists, I check upstairs to make sure Stella's little girl Lucy is asleep. What the heck, Sleeping Stella? Have you never heard of a robe?
Saget!Ted tells us he was always taking the train. Other regulars recognize him, like Matisse, the young man wearing a black leotard (or worse, a unitard), leopard skin short shorts, a purple scarf, crazy striped socks, fingerless knit gloves, and roller blades. As a result of the commute, Ted misses out on everything -- including the free champagne the gang snags when Robin gets that national anchor job; a hot meal with Lucy (yes, everyone's dressed appropriately) and Stella; and lines any more interesting than "Oh, man!" Stella knows Ted's upset, so he explains that he feels like he spends more time on the train than with either Stella or his friends, so she suggests he asks his friends to come out there, sometime. Controlling or hospitable? You be the judge.
Marshall scoffs. "You want us to go to New Jersey ? Oh, that is rich." I get this irrational clenching fear in my throat just typing that, as if Sars was still a TWoP HoP. When Ted wants to know why, Barney takes the lead. "Well for starters, I don't have any of my gold medallions anymore. I sold them when they went out of style, four... hundred years ago." When he turns to her, Lily says, "Sorry Ted, I'm a born and raised New Yorker. I'm programmed to despise and loathe New Jersey and all that it stands for." Shouldn't that be 'for which it stands' you know, like the Republic? Lily continues. Lily always continues. "Why am I telling you this? You hate New Jersey more than anyone." Ted responds like she's talking crazy, so we know she's telling the truth. Flash back to the apartment. An angry Ted tells Lily and Marshall how some guy cut him in line and that he hates line-cutters more than he hates (I'm not going to make you wait for it; oh, except I did; I'm sorry) New Jersey. "Well that's not true, there's nothing I hate more than New Jersey." Marshall and Lily laugh. I sit back in Boston, smug and snug as a bug in a rug, and point and mock. Flash to a different day. Ted walks into MacLaren's and shows Robin and Lily his new T-shirt. It has New Jersey on the front and one of those red circles with a line through it. On the back it reads, "I Hate New Jersey." I have it on good authority that New Jersey has a shirt that reads, "I hate Ted." Flash to another day at the apartment, Marshall and Lily are on their way out but offer to wait for Ted. He tells them to go ahead because he's got to, "drop a massive New Jersey." Ew! Really, show?
Back at current-day MacLaren's, Ted cops to the fact that it isn't his favorite place, but figures once he and Stella get married and she and Lucy move in with him, he'll never have to set foot in NJ again, "Unless I'm going to a Giants game, or flying out of Newark, or God forbid -- disposing of a body." While Marshall guffaws (no, really) Lily threatens Ted. "If you murder me, and bury me in New Jersey, I'll haunt you forever." If he murders her and buries her elsewhere, she'll leave him alone, and will assume he had his reasons. I'm rather alarmed that this exchange grosses me out much less than the one in the last paragraph.
After the adorable (c'mon, you know it is) theme song, Saget!Ted tells the kids that their Aunt (it's ahhnt not ant , darn it) Robin was sick of her job at Metro News 1. We haven't see the kids for a while, now. I suspect that the suspense killed them long ago, and he dumped their bodies in the basement of the Windermere in Hell's Kitchen , right next to the festering corpse of The Mother , and was back to MacLaren's in time for supper. So yeah, Robin. She's sick of her job -- low production values; sappy stories; bad puns. Oh my word, does she work here? When the call came in that she got the national anchor job, she finally got to bid Metro News 1 adieu. Ted, Barney, Lily, and Marshal watch from MacLaren's as she delivers a farewell speech so cloying Ted could have written it. I like you people, so I won't repeat all the tortured figures of speech in this space. Suffice it to say that when she compares herself to an ambitious butterfly breaking free of its cocoon, Marshall asks if she had a stroke. Ted defends the speech, which closes with Robin somehow having three eyes and keeping them trained on separate targets. So yeah, he did write the speech -- it's a modified version of the speech he gave when he left the swim team due to ear problems. Marshall points out that he was only the towel boy and Ted gets huffy, but not as huffy as I am that I had to recap that.
That Saturday, Barney, Lily, Marshall and Ted head out to Stella's for some excitement and they behave abominably from the moment they arrive. As Ted explains Stella can't get a sitter, they sit on the couch like they're being tortured. She goes out to the garage to get the beer, and Marshall blows his stack, because they should be out at a bar drinking as opposed to... out at Stella's drinking? What the hell, Marshall? You know, they should have had Barney say that line, but he's busy saying he wants to take another crack at that chick, Doris. He knows he can land that lesbian plane. Marshall says, "Yeah, no snakes on that plane." I laugh and hate myself for doing so. They fist bump, and Ted whines at them to have fun, because nothing is going to inspire them faster, especially not the fact that the Boston Red Sox just won the ALDS thanks to a walk off from Jed Lowrie. Ahem.
Lily says there's a train that can have them back to MacLaren's before 11:00. Barney says they should be there by 10, but Lily insists she must change first because she is not walking in there smelling like New Jersey. Okay, so I guess she'd much rather smell like the stereotypically rude New Yorker she's being in this episode. Stella hears this, and they totally deserve the wounded, offended look on her pretty face, because they're acting like a bunch of spoiled pre-schoolers. And she's way too good of a sport, because when Marshall tries to fake like they like it in Jersey, she does not put her feet up and let him pretend for the next three hours like I'd do. She gets that they'd rather hang out at a bar so she takes him to the coolest bar in Jersey -- her basement. Ted tries too hard to make it exciting, but the brat brigade doesn't even try to have fun. How old are these people? He points out the dart board, the half a Ping Pong table (which half -- Ping or Pong?) and the fish bowl. He suggests they drop in some Bac-Os and make the fish fight. "No thanks. I don't mess with fish bowls unless they contain my two favorite fish: the sucker fish and the blow fish ." He turns to Ted for a fist bump, "What up!" but he's denied and good thing, because even the fish are looking for a place to wash off after that one. Marshall shoots him down too, saying, "You're better than that." Lily says it's not good enough and Barney's arm is still outstretched so he pleads with Stella. She dithers, because she's still new girlfriend, trying to fit in with old friends, but Ted shakes her off. Barney must be jealous of Robin's uneaten hamburger bit from last week , because he makes a desperate play to win this week's award for lamest ongoing joke. "I am not lowering this until someone gives me the respect of another person's knuckles tapping against mine in a light but decisive manner." He makes "Pretty pretty," noises at everyone, but still no dice. "Then know this, until it gets what it wants -- nay -- deserves, this fist will not yield," and he repeats that last bit more than I'm willing to type. I hope they appreciate Neil Patrick Harris, because the writers would not get away with half the things they throw at us if not for him.
Following everyone else's lead and ignoring Barney, Stella cheerfully suggests a game of Scrabble . Lily chirps, "Sure, whatever," but I still want to reach through the TV and slap the puss off her face. What the Hell, Willow? You're a guest in the home of your dear friend's fiancée, stop acting like you're doing her a favor. This is why you were not popular in High School . Or college . Fighting nerd fire with nerd fire, Stella morphs into Elliot Reid, and over-shares that the X tile is a bit faded because it once passed all the way through her dog. As the gang digests this (sorry) Barney is walking around in the background, holding his arm out, still waiting for a fist bump, and Stella says to Ted, "Maybe we should get a dog again, you know, when you move in." Ted says, "When I what ?" just as the doorbell rings. Stella explains that it's Robin (who had her first day at her new job) and runs up stairs to answer the door, ignoring Barney's silent plea for some knuckle love. With Stella gone, Ted and the others express their horror at the idea of him moving to NJ. Barney runs over with his fist extended. "I bet that dog was really flying high after it swallowed a little X . Nailed it!" Why don't you take a load off, Barney? Your arm is going to get as tired as this joke.
After the commercial, Ted is still in shock. Marshall's trying to put a positive spin on the move. Barney's trying to get a fist bump for anything. Lily listens as Ted says they discussed the move, months ago. Flash back to a tipsy Ted sharing red wine with Stella, at his apartment. He suggests she and Lucy move to Manhattan with him after the wedding. She gives a clearly sarcastic response, but she's good-natured and a bit tipsy too, so Tipsy Ted takes her at her word. Flash forward to today -- and Ted can't get over that anyone would want to live in NJ when they could live in Manhattan. He thought his having a rent-controlled apartment on the Upper West Side was half the reason she agreed to marry him. Not the whole reason, ego boy? Oops. I stole Barney's line, but in my defense, I was just doing my job -- not whoring for a fist bump. Robin plods down the cellar stairs and she doesn't bump Barney either, having been warned off by Stella, and tired of jokes that go on too long. It turns out today wasn't Robin's first day -- it was only an audition. Flash back to a ladies room, in which Robin gets the call on her cell telling her she got the audition. She missed the entire, long-winded, overly-specific explanation that it was merely an audition, because she went from zero to Robin Sparkles in 60 seconds (that's 14 in Metric), and laid down her cell phone in order to rock her body 'til Canada Day in a hilariously pathetic and premature victory dance.
While Robin's panicking because she knows she's not going to get the national anchor job, Ted and Marshall manage to get off a fist bump with one another which Barney declares "mean" and I've got to side with him here guys, because even if you won't put him out of his misery, put me out of mine. Lily tries to give Robin a pep talk, but she wants to call Joel and get her old job back. Barney tells her about the women who've hooked up with him more than once. The second time, they always have that look on their faces that says they hate themselves. He starts to tell her she can see the look for herself, there's a video at www... when she cuts him off. Stella rushes down the stairs warning her guests off from drinking the beer because we need a reason for Marshall and Ted to go to PriceCo. She sends them on their beer run, and suggests Ted sign up for a membership card while he's there, which gives him the look of horror and disgust Barney was just talking about.
At PriceCo, Ted explains that he can't move to NJ and reiterates his hatred of it. Marshall's more enthusiastic: riding lawn mowers; riding lawn mowers with cup holders; recliners with built-in cup holders; hammocks with cup holders. He's practically drooling. Back in Stella's basement, Barney is offering Lily all sorts of money to fist bump him. 100, 200, 10,000 dollars, but she won't bite, which is too bad considering her credit card debt and all the work needed at her and Marshall's new apartment. Back at PriceCo, Marshall tells Ted he can still come to New York all the time, so Ted interviews perfect strangers who happen to be formerly from New York now living in NJ. They never leave it now, declare themselves "New Jershians," and run off to see the dog T-shirts. You see Jason Segal waiver a little here and it's brilliant. As Ted continues to moan about his problems, Marshall succumbs to the lure of the dog shirt, and models a Boston Terrier and a Beagle shirt, and asks for their advice. (Go Boston, choose Boston!)
Back at Stella's, Barney is in tears from the pain of the unrequited fist bump. He and Lily realize Robin is missing and rush upstairs to find her calling Metro News 1, trying to get her old job back from Joel. Joel bluffs like he doesn't need her, but he's got a nervous kid going on at 11 PM. He tells Robin if she can be there by then, he'll let Madame Butterfly back into the cocoon. That's a half-hour. Lily says she'll never make it, but remember -- Robin's an ambitious butterfly. Barney wants her to bet on herself and not go running back to the job she hated, (and of course he makes a plea for a fist bump), but she says she is betting on herself -- betting she can make it there by 11. Outside, she swipes Lucy's pink bike, straps on her helmet, throws her purse in the flowered bike basket and takes off. Just before the break, a time card tells us it's 10:31:10.
Ted's back with a gross of beer, but no PriceCo membership. When Stella asks him why not, he flings some lame excuses at her then blurts out that he doesn't want to move to New Jersey. Barney's plopped in a bean bag chair under the stairs, his arm still held high. And in an absolutely beautiful sight gag, Marshall, looking possessed, hugs a gargantuan jar of olives and shoots Lily a resentful look, which harkens back to the "Olive Theory" and the lie behind it, from the pilot. Well played, show. Stella's taken aback by Ted's announcement. Ted, who makes the term 'tunnel vision' meaningless, can see no reason why she and Lucy shouldn't move to the city. "Well, my daughter goes to school here; all her friends are here; I've lived here my whole life; my whole family is here; this is my house; I'm on the PTA; and as of June 1, I'm the Deputy Mayor." His reply? "Yes, but my apartment's really close to the subway." Stella says they're not moving -- end of discussion. Ted keeps pushing her and when she plays the parent card, he plays the over-involved for a fiancé card and says he thinks it would be good for Lucy to grow up in the greatest city in the world. Stella's had it and I'd wager she speaks for most NJ citizens watching the show. "Ah, here we go. New York's the greatest city in the whole wide world. It's where dreams come true and pigeon poop tastes like Tapioca." Thanks for ruining my pudding, Stella. "You want to know a secret, Ted? New Jersey? Is better than New York." Marshall looks inspired. Lily is appalled. Ted's so flustered he can't finish a thought. "The Empire State Buil. H and H bage. Lincoln Cen. Zab. Papaya King." They go back and forth like this for a while and I'd really like to get to bed by 3:00 AM so I shall gloss over. The point is, Stella thinks New Yorkers are mean and New Jersey is a friendly place to raise a family.
It's 10:47:53 and Robin rides Lucy's bike right through a subway car, nearly taking down Matisse, who has a new scarf. [ Ed. Note: "I want to know what magical mythical place Stella lives in where she can have a house, but Robin can get into the city in less half an hour." -- Angel ]
Back at Stella's, Lily takes Ted's side, reminding her that it has Broadway so they win right there. Barney crawls out of the corner trying to get another fist bump. Stella rebuts her with Atlantic City. Ted jumps in with Greenwich Village. Stella: the shore. Lily: Woody Allen. Me: I won't make that joke. At every entry, Barney goes for a bump to no avail. Stella: Springsteen. Ted: Sinatra. Stella points out that Old Blue Eyes was from Hoboken, but Ted reminds her of which city he sang, "It's not Secaucus, Secaucus."
10:56:02, Robin rides through the city streets and comes across and accident scene and utter gridlock. That crafty Canadian! Who knew she'd take Stella's side? Saget!Ted interrupts, "Now you kids can either believe this or not, but this is how your Aunt Robin swears it happened." We see Robin catch her breath, start pedaling and then she out-Evels Evel Knievel -- not only jumping the bike but flipping it right over the traffic jam, which smells fishy, but looks nothing like a shark .
Lily tries to appeal to Stella from a different angle, saying Marshall didn't expect to love New York, but now he wouldn't think of living anywhere else. Still hugging the enormous jar of olives, Marshall yells out, "I hate New York." And I hate the writers, because I really want to go to bed but this is too good not to transcribe. "Today I was walking around PriceCo. Ever been there? It's huge. All the stores in New York are so cramped; every time I turn I knock something over. I'm like some huge monster that came out of the ocean to destroy bodegas." Lily says, "Oh Marshall, you love New York." Marshall says, "Yeah, I do, except I hate it." He rises to his feet. "I'm too big for New York. Okay? I'm always trying to fit into cramped little subway seats or duck under doorways that were built a hundred and fifty years ago." He continues for a while and somewhere in there, Barney stumbles to the ground looking for a bump. Oh, show. "New Jersey's great! It's got huge stores, and lawns, and you never have to carry a cup again, not for the rest of your life." I think Stella just fell in love with him. The line forms back here , girl. In a gesture of triumph, Marshall puts his hands on his hips. "I'm not afraid to say it. I LOVE NEW JERSEY!" Lily shoots him a look and he mutters, "I'm just kidding." Poor Marshall, wait'll you hear how she refused to take big bucks. From Barney. Ted tells Stella he sees what she's saying and "I guess we could live in... Brooklyn." Stella is irate and good on her. "You know what, Ted, live wherever you want. I don't care." She walks up the stairs leaving everyone down in her cellar. Normally, I'd be all over her for that, but they've been such miserable bunch tonight, I'll FedEx her a padlock for the door. Everyone just looks at each other, and Barney whines, "Awkward silence. Tap it," but nobody does.
Ted goes upstairs to find Stella but runs into Lucy, instead. Bruce Springsteen's "Jersey Girl," which must have cost our show a pretty penny, plays in the background. All the noise kept her up and she can't go to sleep without a story. When Ted offers to find Stella, Lucy asks him to read to her. Aw. Bruce sings, "You know she thrills me with all her charms, when I'm wrapped up in my baby's arms." We see Stella sitting on a staircase, looking more dejected than Barney's fist. Bruce keeps singing; Ted keeps reading; Lucy falls asleep; Ted falls in love with New Jersey. He goes to Stella and puts his arms around her. "I'm moving here." She looks so tired and frayed. "Really?" "Really. New Jersey wins." They kiss and for this moment at least, I want her to be the mother.
Robin screeches up to the Metro News 1 Studio. The door is locked but she gets in at the last minute, rushes to the newsroom, pushes aside nervous Brian, throws off her helmet, grabs the news copy and starts reading. "Good evening, New York." Barney, Lily and Marshall watch her from Stella's cellar. "The newborn Panda at the Central Park Zoo got its first tooth, today. I guess that makes her a..." Robin looks nauseated. "...a molar bear. Molar bear. Molar bear. You know what, I really am done. Goodnight, New York." She rises, takes off her microphone, and walks off camera. Lily is surprised. Barney, whose arm is now suspended by some sort of sash, asks if she thinks they had anything to do with that. Lily does. She says, "Nice job, Barney," and bumps his knuckles. "Oh my God. Thank you-ou-ou." He unties the sash and grabs his poor, sore arm. In the background, Marshall's drinking beer and pretending he's married to Stella or at least is her houseboy. Barney says, "My arm hasn't been this sore since I was 13 years old and figured out how to lock a bathroom door." Ugh. He goes for a high five, "Up top," but Lily's disgusted too, and shakes him off.
Another night, at MacLaren's, Robin meets up with the rest of the crew, including Stella. Did Ted ever stop to think how hard it must be for her to take the train back and forth? No, I don't think he did. Barney's open hand is still in the air. Robin didn't get the national anchor job, but they offered her another one. Marshall, wearing the Boston Terrier shirt (yay!) says, "Hey!" Ted asks her what she'll be doing. Robin says, "Foreign Correspondent. I'm uh... moving to Japan. Everyone looks around at each other -- everyone but Barney -- whose love for Robin and sorrow at her announcement is written all over his face. He doesn't even try to hide it from her, and we fade to black.
I fast forward to find the humorous tag ending and run into Two And A Half Men , and cry and cry, just like Barney must be doing tonight.
Find out what our favorite HIMYM catchphrases are, and read an interview with creator Craig Thomas to get insight on the new season.
Cindy McLennan needs a laugh, and is wondering if she can manage to watch her recording of The Daily Show, in bed, without waking up her wonderful husband who will do all the heavy lifting at home tomorrow because she was up half the night. He's a good man -- who would never ever make her move to New Jersey. Or New York. You can reach her at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com, because on the internet, people never move.