Intervention
Updated 2008-10-14 09:22:52
Hang on to your hats, gentle readers. This here is an actual episode of How I Met Your Mother . And it hasn't even been recast with Seinfeld characters. Welcome back, dear show and likeable people. Let's get to it.
At MacLaren's, our dear friends Robin, Ted, Lily and Marshall, discuss how crazy he is if he thinks this is going to work. Marshall thinks it's going to work. Lily hopes it doesn't work. And Ted shushes us, because here he come comes. He is Barney, and this is dressing up as the 80-year-old version of himself to scam chicks. I wonder if I need to turn in my feminist card, because I sort of want to see it work. Sorry, Mum. Back to the show -- aging make-up usually sucks, but the HIMYM artists outdid themselves this week, don't you think? Barney introduces himself to a young lovely, who tells him her name is Cindy . Uncomfortable, now. "I knew it! You're the Cindy! You're the one who can change everything, or spell our inevitable doom!" Barney tells Cindy that he's on an urgent mission from the future. When she questions him, he says he can prove it. "In exactly four seconds, the woman at that booth is going to slap that man." He clears his throat, and as any reliable wingman would, Robin hauls off and smacks Ted, which I've been hoping someone would do for a couple of weeks, but I figured they'd wait until he started whining about something.
Cindy is amazed. Old Barney tells Cindy that he knows this sounds crazy, and he doesn't really have time to explain it thoroughly, but if she doesn't sleep with young Barney tonight , the earth is doomed. If she does sleep with him tonight, young Barney will be able to solve the problem of global warming and save the human race! I feel like there's a political joke to be made in there somewhere, but it just won't come (which doesn't look like it's going to be a problem for Barney). Old Barney has to get back to the reality accelerator before the vortex closes. Not a paraphrase. "Only you can save us, Cindy! I must away!"
Meanwhile, the rest of the gang discuss their prospective moves -- Robin's to Japan ; Marshall and Lily's to Dowisetrelpa ; Ted's to New Jersey . Robin, whose outfit is making me crave McDonald's food, is her usual pragmatic self and brags that she was able to pack up her things in about a half-hour to move halfway around the world. Ted, Marshall and Lily are taking a bit longer, because they've been reminiscing about the great times they've shared in the apartment, but their movers are due in 14 hours. Lily's surprised it only took Robin half an hour to pack to move all the way to Japan. Robin says it would have only taken her 20 minutes, but a friend called her in tears. Marshall says, "Moving is really emotional, okay?" Poor Marshall -- he doesn't even get to move to New Jersey, home of the spacious PriceCo. Ted restates the obvious, that everything is changing and proposes a toast to the end of an era, with better hooch than their usual rotgut. "Hey Wendy, your most expensive bottle of Scotch." Wendy pours him a cup of reality she must have gotten from Barney that time she took a ride on his reality accelerator. "It's 50-year-old McKenna, and it costs $2,500." Ted doesn't blink. "Excellent! A bottle of that, with uh beer chasers, and..." he addresses the group, "What do you think? Cancel the Scotch?" Everyone agrees. Huh. Lily really did cut up her credit cards.
Barney walks back in all young and handsome, and acting distracted. He approaches the bar, and asks for Scotch on the rocks. At the booth, Robin tells the others, "It's not going to work." There's nothing in the Bro Code about wingmen believing you; they just have to have your back. Cindy recognizes Barney. Surely the jig is up, right? Wrong! "You're... Oh my God! Can I buy you a drink?" Ted and Lily are amazed. Robin is disgusted. Marshall is pointing toward the heavens. I send an apology to N.O.W. , for enjoying this so much. Barney tells Cindy he has just enough time for one drink and another 45 minutes to an hour of "some other activity" but after that he has to return to his top-secret research. Cindy guesses, "Global warming?" and while Barney acts astonished, I ponder changing my first name.
Theme song!
(Wait for it.)Back at the apartment, Robin tries to help the others pack, but they get sentimental over every item destined for a box. When Ted brings out a photo from their first day at the apartment, Marshall and Lily ooh and ah, while Robin says, "See that is exactly the type of crap you should be trashing." Like her relationship with Ted. She doesn't keep any photos, saying they're like love letters, yearbooks or someone's ashes -- they just take up space. Robin, I knew you were a pragmatist, but I never realized you were a Vulcan. "Besides, Stella's not going to let you keep half this junk." When Ted asks why she wouldn't, Lily and Robin laugh at him. Lily says, "Oh, sweetie, here's the thing that guys only learn after they move in with a woman: all of your stuff is stupid." As an example, she notes that includes anything they've purchased at a Renaissance Faire, and Ted produces his flail, which is not like the Supernatural fans' flail, and looks way different from what I think of as a flail , but I guess it would do the trick.
Marshall mentions that since they're not getting the security deposit back, he'd like Ted to reimburse him for his half, because he says Ted treated the apartment the way John Bonham treated his central nervous system. That seems unlikely to me, but I'm letting it slide because I'm so happy this show is back in form, and because Marshall presents a couple of good examples: the wall Ted destroyed while installing book shelves to hold all his volumes of the encyclopaedia (which Ted pronounces en-cyl-cloh-PAY-dee-ah ), and the hole he put into the ceiling with the aforementioned flail he won at the Renaissance Faire ( ren-NAY-sance ). Marshall really starts lawyering Ted, telling him he's also responsible for any damage Robin caused while they were dating. Robin objects to the idea that she caused any damage, so Marshall refreshes her memory. "Do you remember that night you drank the twelver of Molson and you got all super-Canadian?" Super Canadian, heh. More polite than any American diplomat! Able to understand the metric system! Look! Up in the Great White North ! It's Beaver tail ! It's Poutine ! It's Super Canadian! Marshall removes a metal plate from the wall which was covering a hole, and we...
Flash back to a tipsy Robin. Her hair is in two pigtails, and she's wearing a Canucks jersey ( #1: Luongo ), hockey gloves and wielding a stick. "Stanley Cup. Game 6, eh? The Rangers are aboat [not about , not aboot ] to be sorry they ever played shinny with the Canucks." Marshall opens the apartment door and offers Robin 20 bucks if she can shoot the puck through it. Robin laughs. "Oh-ho, you're nuttier than a Tim Hortons Maple Log!" She shoots! She scores! Okay, no. She shoots and the shot is flying straight at the wall, but Lily, who is wearing oven mitts and an apron, comes out from the kitchen and catches it, and orders Robin to give her the stick. Robin says, "I'll give you summer teeth. Some are here. Some are there." She's a nasty little drunk, isn't she? The guys laugh, while Lily tries to get the stick away from Robin, who shoves her away. "Take off, hoser." Lily's had it. And the gloves (or oven mitts, in Lily's case) are off! They scrap and Lily gets the stick from Robin and throws it down. Then the fight heats up. In the background, Marshall cheers, "For America!" which for some reason makes me laugh so hard I have to rewind to hear the rest of the scene. Ted finally breaks it up -- the fight, not my laughter (well...) -- and Barney recoils as if in pain. "Ted, no! You never break up a girl fight! Never!" He punches the wall, smashing his hand right through and leaves the apartment in a fury. Back in the present, Ted tells Marshall that was entirely Barney's fault, as was the big scorch over the fireplace.
The story of the scorch mark over the fireplace needs the backstory of the gang's introduction to the practice of intervention . Remember Stuart -- who married Claudia ? After they were married and Claudia went brunette, all Stuart's friends gathered to confront him about his alcoholism (of course Barney misread the Evite and brought a bottle of booze). Soon, our gang is so addicted to intervening; they make an "INTERVENTION" banner, and hold interventions any time one of them does anything the rest of them don't like -- Marshall wearing his Cat In The Hat hat all the time; Lily adopting an English accent that's bollocks; Robin's spray-tan compulsion; and... Barney's magic tricks.
Flashback to Barney entering the apartment. Ted, Robin, Lily and Marshall are all standing in front of the fireplace, under the "INTERVENTION" banner. He says, "What?" and Robin answers, "The magic tricks." Lily adds, "Specifically those involving fire." Barney rolls his eyes. "Guys, interventions are supposed to help people, not attack every little thing you don't like about them." The gang looks thoroughly chastised. Barney walks toward the window. "I'm sorry, but that really steams me." Oh yeah, he's going there. "That really burns me up." They don't see it coming. "I mean, I am filled with a white-hot rage." He roars, growls and shoots fire out of his hands and across the room -- right onto the banner, which starts to burn over the O . The others scurry away from it and panic when they smell burning hair. Barney realizes the banner is still burning and says, "Oh, shoot." Saget!Ted tells us that's the story of the scorch mark. I think we got that, Saget!Ted. I've noticed your kids haven't been around lately. Have you?
Back to the present -- Ted remembers thinking he saw the intervention banner when he was going through the closet. He walks toward the back of the apartment to find it, and Marshall stammers, "So?" Ted says, "So the banner burned up. Why is there a new one? And there are sealed letters here from all of you that say Ted ." Ted realizes they were planning an intervention for him and wants to know what it was for -- the Crocs (shoulda coulda woulda) or the hair product. Marshall stiffens up and has trouble looking Ted in the eye. "Not Stella," he says. Ted realizes his friends are concerned about his impending nuptials, as solemn chords take us to commercial.
We're back! Ted says, "You guys don't think I should marry Stella." Marshall says they do, and that they're all really happy for him. Lily tells Ted the plan to hold an intervention for him was just stupid. Ted says, "Well obviously it wasn't, because we agreed not to have any more stupid interventions at our intervention intervention." Flashback time. The fab five are gathered in the apartment, and Ted says, "We're having too many interventions." Flash forward. Ted unfolds the replacement banner and asks, "So what was your big problem with me and Stella?" Barney bursts in the door yelling, "Yes! Yes! In everyone's face! You all said the future Barney thing wouldn't work! You told me I was crazy! My shrink told me I was crazy! Well, who's the narcissist with severe detachment disorder now, Dr. Grossbard?!" This is delicious.
Everyone sort of cringes at Barney, so he changes the subject. "Intervention banner, what was that for?" Ted says, "Stella," and Barney rips his envelope out of his suit coat pocket and starts to read the letter inside. "Ted, I cannot stand idly by..." Ted interrupts to ask Barney if he's just been carrying that around. Barney gives him a look like you give a child who needs to mind his manners and says, "Please, Ted." He resumes reading his letter. "I cannot stand idly by while you make the biggest mistake any man can make -- getting married. Mark my words. This whole thing is gonna go... up... in... flames!" And we see Barney's intervention didn't take, as a huge fireball flashes between him and the others, devouring the letter. Barney realizes he put the "flame cue" in the letter too early, which is too bad, because he had so much more to say. "The point is, Ted, marriage is stupid." Neil Patrick Harris's delivery is flawless as usual. "Every year, there are a million new, hot 22-year-olds walking into bars." I'd be willing to believe Barney's done the math on that. "And call me glass half-full, but I think they're getting dumber." Marshall tries to stop him, saying even Barney won't still be hitting on 22-year-olds when he's 80. Haaaaave you met Barney? Barney accepts that challenge. He will prove that he'll be exactly as awesome as he is now when he's 80, and he'll do this by picking up a 22-year-old while in his old man make-up. Marshall says, "I didn't remotely challenge you to that. I -- I mean, I definitely want to see it, but I didn't remotely challenge you to that." Barney leaves, with what I'm sure is missionary zeal.
Ted wants to hear the other letters. Lily objects, saying they've all changed their minds. Ted says, "Supposing you change them back! Lily, come on, let's hear yours." He hands it to her, and she reads. "Gilbert's reading skills have improved drastically since... wait... this is a letter I meant to send home with one of my kindergarteners." Her eyes go wide. "Uh-oh." Cut to a little boy's bedroom. He sits on the bed as his mother holds a letter. "Gilbert, are things moving too fast between you and a girl named Stella?" Gilbert says, "I wish." He's in kindergarten? Barney needs to take this kid suit shopping, pronto. Cut back to the apartment, Lily looks horrified as she takes a seat on the couch. Ted asks to hear Robin's letter. "Dear Ted, it's en-cyclo-PEE-dee-ah , not en-cyclo-PAY-dee-ah . Why do you always say things in the most pretentious way possible? It makes you sound douche-y, and that's DOO-shee , not doo-SHAY ." Ted says she already read that one at his pronunciation intervention and wants to hear the letter about Stella. Robin didn't write one. "I'm your ex-girlfriend. I figured anything I said on the subject would sound catty. Plus? I'm hotter than her, so who cares?" Who's a pretty kitty?
Ted approaches Marshall with his letter. Marshall says it's all water under the bridge, but Ted insists. "Dear Ted, Stella seems like a wonderful person, but you don't know her well enough to get married. You certainly don't know her well enough to commit to raising a seven-year-old with her. You're not doing her, her child or yourself any favors by rushing into this. Give it some more time." Marshall tries to shrug it all off. "Dude, that was months ago, before we all got to know Stella and see how awesome she is and what a great couple you guys are. That's why we decided to not even have the intervention." Ted thanks them, saying he really needs them to be on board with this. Marshall assures him they are. Don't tell Barney, but Marshall's really Ted's best friend. Shhh. Robin hopes Ted isn't mad at them. He says he not; it's not like they were talking crazy; they had a lot of valid concerns. And it starts to happen, here. Ted starts to talk himself out of getting married.
Lily notes those were concerns from which they've moved on. Ted starts to argue that they had a point. It's all moved pretty fast. Now they're really intervening with Ted -- trying to get him to marry Stella, while he's refusing. Marshall offers that maybe it moved fast because it's so right. Ted points out that he and Stella are still just getting to know one another, and wonders if Lily's right and Stella won't like any of his stuff. "Like the robot cookie jar. This was like the first thing we bought for this place. Remember?" He pulls the cookie jar out of the box. Marshall imitates a robot: "Marshall, my Pecan Sandies sensors indicate that you're dangerously low." Ted pulls his James Bond tapes out of the box, and remembers how watching them induced Lily to speak with a British accent for a month -- and I fall in love with this show all over again, because they're doing what they do best: planting these meaningless little seeds, like Lily's fake accent intervention, and then letting them blossom in the most unexpected places. Reading my last sentence over, it sounds like a load of B.S. Oh well, maybe they can use it to fertilize the seeds. More blossoms for everyone!
Ted starts pulling things out of boxes left and right -- including the English phone booth. He laughs, almost childlike, and runs towards his bedroom with the booty. When Robin asks what he's doing, he says, "Unpacking. I am never leaving this apartment," and the poor thing laughs a little like Renfield . Ted begins unpacking at a furious pace. Lily tries to talk sense to him, but he's afraid he's not ready for all the responsibility, particularly parenting a 7-year-old. You never are, my friend. He's afraid he's going to get married, move to the suburbs and in the blink of an eye, become an old man...
Cut to Barney, wearing his old man get-up, at MacLaren's. He approaches a beautiful woman at the bar and offers her a butterscotch candy. She sneers and turns away from him. Now he's pleading his case with a different young woman. "What do you mean nothing in common? We're both seniors." She rolls her eyes and walks away. Next, he's seated with a new woman, and seems to be making some time with her. She laughs, tells him he's cute, and asks his age. He tells her he's 83, and asks her how old she is. When she says she's 31, he recoils in disgust.
At the apartment, Lily is concerned Ted's cracking up. The movers are coming in ten hours. Stella's waiting for him in Jersey. They have to do something. Meanwhile, Ted's using a knife to slice open all his packed boxes. Marshall says he's got it. He approaches Ted and explains to him that what he's feeling is normal. Big transitions are scary. Cold feet are part of the deal. And it starts to happen, here. Marshall starts to talk himself out of moving. He gets Ted to hand over the knife then yells, "So I can start unpacking, too. I'm staying here, right by your side forever, buddy." They hug and Lily hollers at Marshall. Marshall argues that their lives have been good there, which is why they procrastinated packing. It's safe and warm there. There's a bar downstairs and a cookie robot in the kitchen. This is his home and he's never leaving. He gets all stompy-footed about it, and I wonder if the bar downstairs lost some ceiling plaster. Lily walks off, so it can start to happen to her. Robin tries to talk some sense into Marshall. "You sound like that fat, dweebie kid at camp. Mom, Dad, I want to come home. The kids are playing Keep-Away with my inhaler." Marshall sits down, all dejected. "I can't believe my dad read that letter at our wedding."
Robin says he can't do this to Lily. She knows their new place isn't ideal, with the slanted floors and nearby sewage treatment plant, but they're going to turn it into a great home. Lily shouts from the other side of the room: "It's a black hole where dreams go to die." First world problem? Sure, but there are lots of homeowners who feel that way. Erm... I hear. Lily declares she's not moving, either. Ted and Marshall shout for joy. Lily tells them to finish unpacking. She's going to go bake some cookies to fill R2-Sweet-Tooth. Robin tells them they're cowards afraid of change, desperate to cling to anything comfortable and familiar, and it starts to happen, here. Robin is talking herself out of her move. "I can't move to Japan!" The guys shout for joy again. Robin continues. "What was I thinking? It's so far away, I don't speak the language -- I don't even have any good pictures of you guys!" Lily hugs her and Marshall says, "Everyone says change is so great, but what's so great about change?" I wonder who he's voting for? Ted suggests they walk down to their same old bar, sit in their regular booth and order the usual. They're in a frenzy now, and agree, rushing out the door and down to MacLaren's, where...
They find Barney making out with a beautiful young blonde. They all feel sickened at the sight. Barney says, "Well, well, well. I believe someone owes me $200.00." I love how he took a little scoffing from Marshall, turned it into a challenge, and then turned it into a sizeable bet. Marshall starts to refute the idea, but Barney interrupts, saying this proves he'll be this awesome when he's 80. He reaches his arm up and out, his hand twisted a bit like a claw. "Arthritis five." No one high fives him, but he does not leave his arm extended for the rest of the show . Ted looks around, smiles, and says, "I'm moving to New Jersey." When Lily questions him, he says she and Marshall should move to their new place and Robin should go to Japan. "We're going to get older whether we like it or not, so the only question is whether we get on with our lives, or desperately cling to the past..." he points at Barney, "And end up like that." Still in old-man character, Barney says, "You mean awesome? I'm 80, dude, and I'm making out with a 22-year-old." The woman walks up behind him. "Take me to your place, cheri . I want to see your World War II medals." Barney says, "In a minute, mon petit ." Marshall says, "All right, so, that doesn't count." When Barney asks why, Robin says, "She's French; that's like playing tennis with the net down." Dear French readers, direct your complaints to CBS, not moi, s'il vous plaǐt.
Ted says he'll cover the security deposit, because every dent in that place represents a memory he'll cherish forever. Easy to do when you're marrying a doctor and moving into her house. He has a condition, though. They each have to put aside ten bucks a week for the next year. "And we come back here, and we buy that 50-year-old Scotch." As he talks, he approaches their regular table, where a young, blond couple sits. "And we toast the incredible, life-changing year we've all had... get out of our booth." The couple grab their drinks, and the woman grabs her cell phone and they clear out. There is no longer a cell phone on the table, just a bowl of nuts and one of those special cards. "Me with my new family; Marshall and Lily with their new apartment; Robin as the number one English-speaking journalist in the Pacific Rim, visiting us here in New York, to celebrate this day -- the day we closed an incredible chapter in our lives, only to open a new one." The unseated woman returns and says, "I think I left my cell phone." Ted growls, "Get out of here," and the cell phone rests on the table, to the right of his right hand, which is why, dear show, you got an A-, rather than a A. [ Continuity counts! Also, show your work! - Zach ]
Saget!Ted says, "And one year later, that's exactly what we did." Robin, Barney, Ted, Marshall and Lily are at MacLaren's. The title card reads, "the year 2009" and Ted is proposing a toast. "So, let's raise a glass of $2,500 Scotch to one hell of a year. They clink their glasses and drink, except Lily, who only sniffs hers. Hmmmmm. I wonder what's going on there... Robin says the Scotch is amazing. Barney declares it unbelievable. Ted says, "It's kind of smoky, with a hint of aged cedar and... Do you guys taste a difference between this and $10 Scotch?" Everyone says stuff like, "Nope, no, not at all." Barney wants to cut his with Red Bull. Wendy walks by and Robin asks her to take a picture of them, and hands Wendy her camera. They pose, with Robin being awfully snuggly with Barney, as Saget!Ted teases us. "A lot of things did change that year. But some things stayed the same." Lily says, "So uh, what do you say we move this party upstairs to the apartment?" They agree, and Ted grabs the bottle of Scotch with his left hand. If there's a wedding band on there, it's invisible.
End tag: Barney enters the apartment wearing his old man make-up and suit. Robin, Lily, Marshall and Ted are standing in front of the fireplace, under the replacement "INTERVENTION" banner. Robin tells him this is an intervention. He leans forward. "I'm sorry? I can't hear you." Marshall tells him that's enough of the old man bit. Old man bits. Ew. Barney says, "What about the old sand pit?" Lily tells him to let it go. Barney says, "'Let it Snow'? I love that old ditty." He does a little old man dance. Ted announces he's getting his flail. Barney says, "You're setting sail?" And we're all out of show. I flail like a Supernatural fan, because I can't wait to know who ends up where and how they keep the apartment.
Cindy McLennan is still sorting through new potential first names. Send her your name suggestions or just feedback at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com. Only you can save me. I must away!
And when you are finished coming up with new names for Cindy, check out our list of the best HIMYM catchphrases .