Robin 101
Updated 2009-10-06 09:14:03
I am sick and feeling very sorry for myself, so I'm just going to jump right into the weecap, because it will be a lot more fun than reading me moan and groan my way through what ought to be an inviting introduction. You ready? Let's go.
Saget!Ted opens the show by telling the kids that "Uncle Barney" has been called a lot of names by a lot of women, over the years. A brief montage shows Barney getting drinks thrown in his face by various women, as they refer to him with all the names you'd expect: jerk, bastard, Barack Obama, Jr. Hee. In that last bit, Barney's response is, "Mmmm hmmm, and yes we can ." Saget!Ted's point is: "But there's one name we never expected to hear him called." We cut to Robin at the apartment, saying, "Boyfriend? Barney Stinson is my boyfriend. I've said it about 100 times, but it still sounds weird to say." Lily listens as Ted replies that anything sounds weird if you say it a hundred times. "Bowl." He then continues to repeat the word bowl , while Robin and Lily do their best to ignore him and continue the discussion. Robin thinks Barney has been single for too long. She's caught him trying to sneak out of her window at 4:00AM, on more than one occasion. She has to remind him they're not having a one nightstand and that it's okay to stay, before he will flop back down on the bed. And when she's upset and needs someone to hear about her bad day, he sweetly encourages her to call Lily and then find him at the bar when she's ready to have sex. Robin's not touchy-feely, either, but she would like to see a little more effort on Barney's part. Lily allows that he doesn't stack up and notes that Robin has had some pretty incredible boyfriends. The remaining Robin/Ted 'shippers give up the ghost, when the camera pans to Ted, who is still conducting his bowl bowl bowl experiment. Robin looks at him and without missing a beat says, "No, that's not it." She wonders if Barney just doesn't have it in him to be a good boyfriend. "Maybe this whole thing's a big mistake." Ted cocks his head. "Bowl?"
MacLaren's: Ted fills Barney in on Robin's concerns and tells Barney that if he wants to keep her, he's got to be more attentive to her emotions, and be "present." Barney nods, and scratches his cheek. "Yes! Totally. Only thing -- and this is just me -- I'd like my testicles attached to my body, rather than rolling around next to some eyeliner, in Robin's purse." He glares at Ted, and picks up his drink. "Stinson out." As he leaves the booth, we cut to...
The Apartment: Saget!Ted narrates that then a funny thing happened. "Over the next couple of weeks, Barney was thoughtful, considerate, sweet -- in short -- the perfect boyfriend." We see Barney bring Robin breakfast in bed, and give her flowers and otherwise behave like a guy who actually likes a girl. Then we flash to the present: Robin tells Lily Barney must be cheating on her. Lily tries to rise to Barney's defense, but as soon as the words, "Barney's not the kind of guy..." leave her lips, she realizes how preposterous it sounds, and tells Robin to continue. He's been working late, yet not at the office, and yada yada, so Robin wants to find evidence that Barney's got someone on the side. He left his briefcase home today, so Robin, somehow thinking she's in a Lucy and Ethel sketch (and that she -- not Lily -- is Lucy) wants to find Ted's sledgehammer and bust it open.
Lily, who this week is plot driven rather than character driven, puts on the brakes. "Stop. Stop. Eye contact! Listen to me. Robin Scherbatsky is many things: friend; confidant; occasional guest star in some confusing dreams that remind me a woman's sexuality is a moving target, but she is no crazy, jealous stalker-bitch." Just as she wrests the briefcase from Robin's grasp, Marshall enters. He's huffing and puffing because he's been cleaning their stuff out of the basement storage area, in attempt to make room for Robin's stuff. He apologizes for not doing so when Robin first moved in, but she didn't even know there was storage, and I'm not going to put any more thought into this B-plot than the writers did, so there. Still panting, Marshall shows Lily his great find. It's a whisky barrel. Lily feigns nostalgic delight as we learn that "Mabel" the whisky barrel has been with Marshall since college, and they only put it in storage after Lily discovered she had a rare "barrel resin allergy." She gives Robin the evil eye, to convince her to go along with this ridiculous excuse that Marshall -- the naïf lawyer -- holds as gospel. When Robin asks Marshall if he needs a hand throwing it out (rather than asking him why he'd bring something so big and heavy all the way up from storage to the apartment in the first place), Marshall is appalled. "Mabel is like family." He's going to put her in the Bermuda Triangle -- his and Ted's nickname for the spot on the curb in front of the apartment. Anything they've ever put there has been immediately scoffed up by a passerby. Surely, the Bermuda Triangle will help Mabel find a good home. Marshall is his usual childlike, adorable self, and his hair looks AWESOME, but I just don't have the patience for this part of the story.
After he leaves, Lily asks Robin if she's ready to go. Robin says yes, but then grabs a sledgehammer from out of the writer's ass and smashes open Barney's briefcase. She finds a composition notebook, and is shocked that Barney's skank-on-the-side isn't a dumb skank-on-the-side. But when she opens the notebook, she realizes it's full of notes about her. Her birthday, Canucks fandom, and white lie about her age (she's 29 but tells people she's 26) are all there in black and white. Marshall returns all excited to watch Mabel in the Bermuda triangle, because usually stuff he and Ted put out there gets taken before they know it. He grabs binoculars off the shelf and waits -- all a-tingle. When a guy walks right by Mabel, Marshall rationalizes why he didn't take it. Then he turns to see what the girls are doing. "What are you guys doing with Barney's secret Robin notebook?" His face falls as he realizes his error. "Let me rephrase that. Have you two ladies lost some weight?" Yes, yes they have. Having a baby does that to a girl. But no one's told the wardrobe department, so good on you for noticing, Marshall. Robin asks Marshall why Barney would have a notebook full of info about her. As Marshall struggles for the right words, Saget!Ted explains that Barney's been taking a nightschool class. We flash to Ted's classroom at Columbia. He's teaching Barney: Robin 101: How to Date Robin Scherbatsky.
Theme Song!
The Apartment: After the break, Marshall explains why Ted is teaching a class about Robin. "It all started a few weeks ago..." We flash back to the scene between Barney and Ted at MacLaren's. Barney leaves the booth with his "Stinson out." He leaves his empty glass on the bar and heads towards the door, turns around, sticks his arm out, gets a fresh drink, and sits at the booth. "Stinson back in." He wants to know -- hypothetically of course -- what kind of changes he'd have to make to be a good boyfriend to Robin. Ted says there's so much to know, and as soon as he tells Barney never to cry in front of Robin, "And whatever you do, don't cry in front of her four times," their confab is interrupted by Robin who asks them what they're talking about. Simultaneously, the guys answer, "Fantasy football," then give each other high fives with their eyes. Back at the apartment, Marshall explains that since they couldn't talk about Robin at the apartment, or the bar, they decided to meet in Ted's classroom. And we jump to...
Ted's Classroom: Barney is about as attentive as you'd expect, and mostly asks to draw boobs on the chalkboard and/or have class outside. Ted holds Barney in check though, because he needs practice teaching. Ted also catches Barney fiddling with his cell phone. When he calls him out on this, Barney says, "What? I'm tweeting about you. You should be flattered. How do you spell blah blah blah ? H -es or no?" Ted asks Barney if he was the worst student in the world. Barney says, "They said I had A.D... something." A beat. "Can we have class outside?" Ted brings him back on topic and tells Barney that he loves him and Robin and wants to make this work. If he can just have Barney's attention for a few weeks, he can give him a lifetime of happiness -- yeah, because that will ensure they never have hurt feelings, misunderstandings, illness, money troubles, deaths in the family, or fall victims to a natural disaster. Ted waits for Barney's confirmation that he can cooperate. Barney, however, is still looking at his phone. "Do you think I should get Sports Illustrated for 70% off the cover price?" He looks around. "Can we have class outside?" We leave them with Ted vowing to find a way to..."reach this kid." Hee.
Apartment: Robin reads from the notebook. "Class number 2: Top Ten Robin Scherbatsky facial expressions and their meanings."
Classroom: Ted's doing a slideshow of Robin's expressions. The picture of her he's showing at the moment shows her looking pale, dazed and slightly nauseated, and asks Barney what those telltale signs mean. Barney says, "You guys just had sex" He then whoas his own answer and when Ted turns to him in disgust, he looks around to the empty classroom and says, "It wasn't me." The look is hunger, and if you don't get Robin food quickly when you see that expression, she'll burst into weird, out of context laughter (see a slide of her laughing at a parking meter) or fall asleep in strange places (the hood of a car). The next slide is of...the Flatiron Building , Ted screwed up his slides, so before we continue, let's take a moment and prepare ourselves for the inevitable scene in which Ted ends up showing a (probably wildly inappropriate) slide of Robin to his architecture class. You ready?
Ted's now showing his most important facial expression shot. Robin's eyes are wide -- nostrils flared; in short, she looks about to murder someone. Barney and Ted stand back and allow themselves to be transfixed by the horror. Ted warns Barney that if he ever does see Robin looking like this, he should run. "And don't take a picture of it. She will punch. And you will cry. For the third time. That night." The guys shudder in unison and Ted moves on to his next subject: "Diffusing the bomb."
Apartment: Robin takes umbrage at the "Diffusing the bomb" notes, like you do. She rants as Marshall listens to Lily reading the notes about changing the conversation to Robin's safe topics. Robin's so mad she kicks off a shoe and throws it across the room. Then, Lily reads, "Immediately switch the conversation to one of the following, unless you want Robin to start throwing her shoes." It's driving me crazy that Robin's standing there with one shoe on -- how about you? We jump back and forth from the classroom to the apartment as Ted explains the diffusing topics and Robin reacts to (and is somewhat distracted by) them: the 2004 Vancouver Canucks' division title; proper gun cleaning and maintenance; and Emperor Penguins. This last one really gets Robin off-topic, as she explains to Lily that these penguins bow to one another before mating, which is deadly cute, I have to say. When Robin can no longer remember what she was going on about, Marshall notices someone checking out Mabel, down on the curb. He's pretty sure he's got a taker. But since the guy has his dog with him, we're pretty sure the streets of Manhattan are going to have one more pee soaked barrel. And, we're proven right. We are so smart. When Marshall realizes what's going on, he shames the dog's bearded owner from above about his inability to grow a mustache. Lily then points out that Marshall can't grow a good one, either. Marshall turns to her. "Well he doesn't know that, baby. God!" Segal doesn't have much to do this week, but his delivery was perfect, there, and his hair is still cute, so I'm trying to give him equal time.
Robin's upset because Ted's class seems too overwhelmingly negative to her, but Lily points out some sweet stuff. In the classroom, Ted reminds Barney that Robin isn't touchy-feely, because Barney wasn't in the opening scene this week. Instead of saying I love you, Robin will, "Laugh, shake her head, give you a little smile and say, 'You're an idiot'. [...] If she tells you you're an idiot, you're a lucky man. And if she does say 'I love you', she's already broken up with you, in her mind." Although Lily thinks it's sweet that Ted knows Robin so well, Robin is less impressed, because the next page in the notebook is entitled, "Robin Scherbatsky's Erogenous Zones." Back in the classroom, Ted explains this to Barney and there's a flashback to Robin and Ted in bed. They're more or less spooning and she's moaning with pleasure, just because he's rubbing her knee.
Classroom: Ted's now lecturing about the things Barney should never do to or with Robin. On the chalkboard, the first two Nevers are spelled out (thanks to Kit Kate, cagewench, Kate Monster, and Marquis Carabas for helping make up for my lack of an HDTV, or an office TV bigger than a thimble). They are 1. Mention hockey's lack of popularity in the U.S. ; 2. Cry. Ted tells Barney the third Never is playing the "Guess Who" game. We flash back to Robin outside the building, talking on her cell. Ted sneaks up behind her, covers her eyes and says, "Guess Who." Robin takes him in a way that would make my children's Karate instructors proud, while Ted howls for mercy from the sidewalk. The fourth Never is showing Robin YouTube clips of animals playing a musical instrument. She'll make you watch it 'til your eyes bleed.
When Ted turns to Barney, he is sound asleep in his chair. They start to bicker about the quality of Ted's class versus Barney's scholastic ability. Barney then gets shirty with Ted and gives him a thumbs down, and putting his best John Bender says, "Can you hear this , professor? Maybe I should turn it up for you," as he rights his thumb. Saget!Ted breaks in to tell the kids that it might not have been a thumbs up.
Scott and I laughed harder at that, than we should have, but we have kids, you know -- and certain words and gestures are off limits. About three years ago, my friend Aimee was...well, here's the story in her own words: " I did an asinine thing at the grocery store. I was buying bread and stuff and asked for cigs for Joe and myself. The checker went off, grabbed them, brought them back, and showed them to me. I gave her a thumbs up. Or, rather, not so much. I flipped her off! And proceeded to almost die of embarrassment, in the middle of Albertson's. Fortunately, she had a good sense of humor and saw the beet-red heat on my face as I stammered an apology to her, in which I said, 'Obviously, I do that too often for it to be my default finger signal'. I can never go in there ever, ever again. " Suffice it to say, that my husband and I give each other the thumbs up with great enthusiasm, from time to time. Thanks for the marital skill, Aims!
Ted is fed up with teaching a student who doesn't want to learn. He grabs Barney by his lapels and pulls him to his feet, then gives him a pop quiz. "When Robin's PMSing, what kind of chocolate should you get her?" Barney says, "Trick question. You get her butterscotch. [...] Butterscotch is to Canadian women what chocolate is to American women." Barney also demonstrates that he's learned Robin's dream job (to become the most successful female TV journalist of all time) and that even if she achieves that, she won't truly be happy. "Robin's deep-seeded need for attention can be traced back to her father's emotional distance, and no amount of success will ever make up for what she truly needs, which is six simple words from her dad: 'Robin. I'm. Proud. Of. You. Eh?'" Whee! Ted screams, "YES!" but then tries to play hard to get with Barney, saying he's right, he hasn't learned anything. As Ted walks out of the classroom, Barney climbs atop his chair. " O captain! My captain! " Ted turns and he and Barney lock eyes. The camera pans out to give us a full look at this momentous scene, then zooms in on Ted. "How good was Dead Poet's Society ?" Barney says, "I know! Right? The end? Tears..."
The Apartment: Robin says her deepest need in life is not to have her father tell her, "Robin, I am proud of you. Eh?" Marshall asks her why she's crying, and she issues a tearful denial, while Lily offers to get her some butterscotch. Robin gets her emotions in check and realizes that Ted and Barney are having their little class, right now. She's going to crash it.
Classroom: Ted's showing a slide of a sleeping Robin hogging all the covers. I give my husband a pointed look. He pretends not to notice -- 'til I also give him the thumbs up. After Ted informs Barney that Robin is a textbook coverhog, he asks, "Any questions." From the back of the classroom, Robin says, "Yeah, I have one." Ted says, "Yes, Robin..." and then he and Barney turn to see Robin, Lily, and Marshall standing there. They gasp at the look on Robin's face. After the break, Barney tries to distract her with Emperor Penguin talk, but she must have been expecting it, so instead, the guys turn on Marshall for selling them out. When Marshall explains he's vulnerable because he said goodbye to a dear friend, Robin tells him to get over it -- it was just a barrel, and Ted says, "Aw, you're giving Mabel away." Marshall covers his mouth with his hands, in an attempt not to cry. Robin won't be distracted this time -- until she realizes that another guy is in the room. His name is "Shin Ya." Ted explains that he's auditing the class. This calms Robin not at all. She's particularly mad at Ted for putting himself out there as some sort of Robin expert. When Ted demands proof that he's not, we flash back to Robin's version of the story about the erogenous zone on her left knee. She's totally faking it, because the whole thing is just so weird to her. Barney laughs at Ted, so she addresses him next, telling him how she thought he was cheating on her, and how she broke into his briefcase and found the notebook. When Barney calls her out for the privacy violation, she looks to the giant picture on the wall of her sleeping, and back to him. He realizes what he's doing is even creepier and tells her to go on. She sums it up by saying he is cheating in a way, because he's looking for a crib sheet, instead of trying to get to know her in an honest way. She throws the (note)book at him, and stomps out of the class. The subtitles tell us that Shin Ya says that since it looks like things are done with Barney and Robin, he'd like to take a run at her.
MacLaren's: Ted and Robin have a heart-to-heart at MacLaren's. He realizes he shouldn't have shared their personal moments with Barney. She's impressed he remembers so much about her. Ted says it's funny how much you learn about a person when you're dating. "When you date someone, it's like you're taking one long course in who that person is, and then when you break up, all that stuff becomes useless. It's the emotional equivalent of an English degree." He was trying to put his Robin-knowledge to good use. Robin asks Ted if she's fooling herself with the whole Barney thing. Ted says he doesn't know. He's seen Barney work hard to get women and to get rid of them, but he's never before seen him work so hard to keep one. Later still, Barney and Robin also have a heart-to-heart, on the apartment stoop of reconciliation (see Lily and Marshall). He tosses the Robin notebook away. It lands on top of Mabel. He then tells Robin he was afraid he'd screw things up and she would dump him. Robin laughs, shakes her head, gives him a little smile and says, "You're an idiot." Barney speaks Robin now, so his face lights up at that. They kiss until she remembers how much personal info is in the Robin notebook, including her address. When they turn to get it, it's gone -- lost in the Bermuda Triangle. Mabel, however, stands watching on the curb. Marshall calls down from Ted's apartment. "If you don't want the barrel, can you sit somewhere else, because you're scaring away potential takers." Barney and Robin turn and look up at Marshall, and give him the...thumbs up.
End tag: Ted's teaching his (day) class, and lectures on the Flatiron building. When he forwards the slide projector to the next slide, the class titters and one young woman interrupts to point out that the next shot is of a woman, drinking beer. On the toilet. ROBIN! Ted lies that it's a shot of architect Daniel Burnham's wife , calling her a troubled woman and moves on. Fade to black.
See you next week, with "The Sexless Innkeeper." No, I'm not going to start sharing the recaps with someone -- that's just the title of the next episode. In the meantime, join the discussion on the boards , and check out Barney's official Twitter page .
When she's not covering Lost, The Vampire Diaries, and How I Met Your Mother , Cindy McLennan is a wife and mother desperately seeking her next nap. Tell her a soothing story at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com, or a short, soothing anecdote via Twitter . Please be sure to include the H in your blahs.