The Naked Man
Updated 2008-11-25 09:11:21
The goat has a cameo in a flash-forward, and naked Neil Patrick Harris makes the night, as we learn Super Canadian is no match for "The Naked Man." If they'd managed to refer to "Slapsgiving" in this wonderfully silly episode, it would have gotten an A+.
Saget!Ted opens the episode by telling his kids (who make an appearance) that everyone has theories about break-up recovery time. Lily says it takes half the length of the relationship. Marshall says to give it a week for every month you were together. Going by either of those theories, should Ted even remember Stella? Robin's theory is less flexible: "Exactly 10,000 drinks, however long that takes." Does that allow for any detox periods in between? Barney's more philosophical. "You can't measure something like this in time. There's a series of steps... from her bed to the front door. Bam! Out of there! Nexxxxxt!" Saget!Ted thinks you start to recover when you meet the person who gets you back in the game -- so tonight's episode is less How I Met Your Mother , and more How I Met the Person Who Got Me Back in the Game So That I Could Meet Your Mother Eventually, Unless You Were Hatched; I Really Don't Remember Anymore, Go Clean Your Room. Or, How Ted Got His Groove Back...
And so, current-day Ted meets a pretty woman named Vicky (how many does that make?) on the elevator at work. They catch one another's eyes from the start. Saget!Ted lectures that you don't jump into these things; you dip a toe in. Each day, they dress a little more nicely (or in Vicky's case, more revealingly, and in Ted's case, less like it's been three weeks since he did laundry). Saget!Ted notes that eventually, you're ready to wade in -- slowly. Of course Saget!Ted knows that, because current day Ted learned it for him, the hard way. His first real words to Vicky are a confession that he was left at the altar a month prior, which Saget!Ted sums up as a "cannonball." Current day Ted says, "It was a complete disaster. Ever since then I haven't even been able to look at another woman -- except for the old lady on the subway who break-dances for nickels. I -- I don't look at her that way; I just look at her as an old lady -- break-dancing. And she is good. I'm going to give her a dollar next time." Vicky stares at the elevator ceiling, as she thinks, "Great choice, Vicky. You just had to wear your brown camisole to work for elevator guy's benefit. Couldn't even wear a blazer? Oh, no. Now Creed Bratton's going to be leering at you all day , and the other women in the office will hate you more than they already do, meanwhile elevator guy is a Tuh-rain Wreck!" Ted seems to read her mind, so he starts over. "Hey, let's pretend I just said this: 'These elevator rides have been the highlight of my week, and I'd love to see you again, Friday night, not in the elevator, at a restaurant -- a nice one.' What do you say?" Vicky says, "Yes." She must be really nice, but not as nice as our...
Theme song!
When Ted returns home from work that night, he waves to Robin, who is out on the front stoop, talking on her cell phone. Saget!Ted narrates that he walked into a lot of crazy stuff at the apartment over the years. And here comes a series of flashbacks. November 26, 2004: Lily tries to paint a portrait of two acrobats in a position I can't even describe. July 16, 2007: A chained-up Barney is submerged in a water tank a la Houdini, while Robin and Lily stand by with axes at the ready (Lily looks so natural with a weapon) and Marshall announces, "It's been 12 minutes!" Barney gives Ted an aquatic thumbs-up. December 15, 2006: Marshall and Lily huddle on the couch as Super Canadian Robin holds off two armed robbers with one of her trusty handguns. May 8, 2009: THE GOAT! Saget!Ted says, "But one of the craziest things I ever walked in on was when I lived with your Aunt Robin."
Robin's latest date, Mitch, is sitting stark naked on Ted's couch. Ew! Get it off. Get it off! Ted tries to remain composed as he tells Mitch that Robin should have used their secret signal to indicate she had company . "We put this old take-out menu on the doorknob. The place went out of business. Mr. Wang's. Guess I don't have to explain why that's funny." Ted can no longer bear the awkwardness of the situation and decides to leave. He pops his head back in the door. "When you leave? Take the seat cushion with you. That's trash now." Yeah, I'd just want a whole new couch, and really, who knows where else he sat? Let's refurnish the room, Ted.
On the stoop, Robin is still on the cell phone, selling herself as more than qualified for a job, and she'd better, because she's got to buy Ted a new suite of living room furniture. "My weaknesses? Um... I would say caring too much, working too hard and putting my career in front of my love life. Whoops, that last one was real. What?" Oh man, I hate those interview questions. She mouths "Sorry," at Ted, who gives her a very knowing if awkward look, as he passes her on his way into...
MacLaren's: At the bar, Ted informs the gang that Robin has a new lover named Mitch. Lily shoots that theory down, noting it's been such a bust that Robin's been sending her text messages all night. "She just let him go upstairs to use the bathroom a second ago." Ted excuses himself and hustles back to the apartment, where Naked Man chastises Ted for the interruptions, as he is "in the middle of something here." Would you get a load of the balls on this guy! Figuratively, I mean. As Naked Man rises (to his feet!) Ted holds up his hand so he doesn't have to see Naked Man's business, as he asks what he's up to. Bad ah dah. Naked Man says, "This is my move. It's called 'The Naked Man'... You're on a first date and you've had a few drinks. You make an excuse to go up to the girl's apartment. Then, once she leaves the room, you strip down naked and wait. When she comes back, she laughs. She's so charmed by your confidence and bravado -- she sleeps with you." Ted says there's no way that works. Naked Man guarantees him it will work two out of three times. "You just have to pick your spot. The Naked Man is best used as a last resort -- kind of a 'Hail Mary' on a first date when you know there's not going to be a second one." He knows Robin is way out of his league. "I'm not smart, funny or handsome, and as you can plainly see," he gestures to his body, "there is not anything impressive going on anywhere around here. My only shot with a girl like Robin is the element of surprise and -- let's be honest -- a little pity. It's shock and awww ." Ted refuses to believe it works. Mitch maintains it will work 2 out of 3 times.
At the bar, the rest of the gang is as incredulous as Ted. Barney says it won't work on Robin, and she'll send Naked Man packing. Lily notes Robin might kick his ass, first. Marshall laughs that she might get her gun and shoot him. The gang panics and runs up to the apartment. When they get to the door, they find Mr. Wang's menu (not a euphemism) hanging from the knob.
Do I tell it here? Why not. When I was first out of college, I was out at a local watering hole with a bunch of my friends. My best friend and I met these two guys who were very pleasant. It turns out they were part of a bachelor party, and declined to follow the rest of their party to its next destination, and hung out with us. It also turns out they had no transportation home. My best friend was going through a horrible break up, and really liked the one guy, so I stupidly agreed to drive them home. This was wrong, stupid, bad, dangerous, and kids, do not try this at home. If I could go back in time, I'd totally kick my 22-year-old ass (and my friend's), because we were reckless and idiotic. The guys were roomies, and when we got them home, they asked us in for drinks. We hung out in their kitchen for a while. Then I had to go to the bathroom, so the one guy showed me where it was. When I came out, he was lying on the couch, naked as a jaybird. I never laughed so hard in my life. But it wasn't the delightful laugh of the charmed and disarmed; it was the panic-stricken laughter of, "Get me out of here. Why did I drive this jackhole home? My mother would kill me right now and she totally should. Karen! Karen!!!" We left pretty much immediately and Karen's guy never called her, while Naked Guy (at whom I pointed while I laughed, but only out of panic) called me a half dozen times before I got up the nerve to be a grown-up and just say, "Thanks, but I don't want to go out with you." ...Anywhere. Anytime. At all. Ever. Because you are a scary freak. "But thanks." ...For living far away and not knowing where I live, and for finally getting the hint before I had to tell my parents. And, oh crap, my mother's going to read this, isn't she. I didn't think about that. I thought about my husband, so I made sure he knew the story, but um... hi, Mum. Poetic license. Yeah, that's it. Poetic license. Nothing to see here. Move along.
At MacLaren's, Barney is nearly reverent as he celebrates the success of "The Naked Man," extolling it as a "total game changer." Lily reminds him that Naked Man slept with Robin and wonders how he could be excited about this, since he claims to love her. Barney says, "Lily, [this] is bigger than me and Robin. All these years, I have been busting my hump with my secret identities and my tricks and my gadgets. I mean, I'm like Batman. But this Mitch fellow? He's Superman. He just rips off his clothes and he's good to go." Quietly and far too intrigued, Lily asks, "What kind of... gadgets are we talking about?" He gives her a disgusted look (which, nice work eliciting that from Barney, Lil) as they return to the booth, where Ted is ragging on Robin because the Naked Man worked on her.
Robin doesn't know what to say. It was funny. "I laughed. He laughed, and it just kind of happened." Robin totally needs a Karen in the next room at all times. As the gang chuckles over the events, Marshall blurts out: "I call SLUT!" to everyone's horror. "I'm sorry Robin, but you hooking up with this guy makes it seem like the only thing standing between you and sex is clothes." Robin claims she didn't just sleep with Mitch because he was naked, but she can't form a coherent or cohesive sentence as she tries to give another reason. It all amounts to a "connection... of... specialness. Of, uh... specialness and feelings." Marshall calls B.S. He says she only slept with Mitch because he was naked and, "I do not approve. There is only one reason to sleep with somebody, and that is love ." This is a lovely bit of continuity for Marshall, who once bragged that his list of every girl he's ever slept with is his marriage license. Everyone laughs at him, even Lily, but he mocks them right back, "Yeah, Marshall's a big girl, because he believes in true love, and just finished reading The Notebook , because the secretaries bullied him into joining Oprah's Book Club. Fine, but you know I'm right!" Lily reminds him that she loves him, but argues that there are a lot of reasons to sleep with someone. When he tells her to name one, she reveals that that time they had sex at 3:00 in the morning was because she couldn't sleep because she was scared of a clown-shaped shadow. Marshall is angry she befouled their marriage bed, but admits that that's one reason, and Lily says she can name 50. Ted, Robin and Barney help her, and the list begins with the following:
1. Because you can't sleep. [Lily]
2. Makeup sex. [Lily]
3. Breakup sex. [Lily]
4. Your friend just told you about a new position. [Lily, although Barney says, "You're welcome."]
5. Revenge. [Barney]
6. Rebound. [Barney]
7. Paratrooping (hooking up so you have a place to stay when out of town) [Barney], a.k.a. "banging for roof." [Robin]
8. Nothing good on television. [Lily]
9. Hotel room sex. [Ted]
10. Curiosity. ("What's it like to have sex with a really tall girl?") [Barney]
A title card informs us it's 32 reasons later...
43. He said he loves you and you're not ready to say it back yet. [Robin]
44. Wingman diving on the "friend grenade." [Ted]
45. The condoms are about to expire. [Barney]
46. It's getting a little hard. [Lily's commenting on the difficulty of making the list, but it gets turned into a list item courtesy of Barney]
47. Miscommunication. (i.e. Reaching for a Cheeto in a guy's lap, and he thinks you're making a move, so you just go with it.) [Lily]
Marshall: "Thanks for ruining the memory of our 6-month anniversary." Lily: "You got me Cheetos ." The whole conversation is making Marshall sad [ And the way he says it? Adorable. - Zach ], but Lily protests that she's having fun. "Man, this whole one-partner thing sucks sometimes." Reason 48, or just a slam at her husband? "I'm always talking about you . I can't play 'I Never...' because then everyone would know all the weird stuff I let you do to me." Marshall is incensed. "The only weird thing I ever did to you was open up my heart and soul to you, when all I had to do was strip naked while you were out of the room." Robin again denies she slept with Mitch because he was naked, but pushes it too far when she claims he might be the one. Barney thinks Mitch is a genius. He resolves to do the Naked Man tonight. So... subtext, or meta, I guess. He commands Ted to do likewise with "elevator girl." Every time Ted gives a rational, well-thought-out reason for not using the Naked Man approach, Barney intones, "Naked Man!" Then Robin notices Ted is wearing makeup, which he describes as a tinted sunscreen. I have that too, Ted. You know where I keep it? In my makeup bag. His friends squint as they look at him. He blathers on about it being for men, then adds, "Sue me. I want my eyes to pop." Someone's been watching Carmindy . Barney continues to try and talk Ted into "suiting down" for his upcoming date with Vicky. He picks up a girl at MacLaren's so he can try out the Naked Man plan on her while Ted tries it on Vicky, but Ted doesn't want to mess things up. As soon as Barney moves in on the girl at the bar, Super Canadian calls Naked Man to set up another date, just to prove to her friends that she's neither a dupe nor a slut.
[ Okay, now I really have to say something. When Barney called it "suiting down," I finally realized why this is all so familiar. Barney tried this on Robin himself, back in Season 1, Episode 16, "Zip, Zip, Zip." They were out being bros, they went back to Robin's apartment to "play Battleship," and when Robin was out of the room, Barney "birthday suited up," which is pretty much the Naked Man, except he thought she was doing the same thing. This is still a great episode, but I would have liked a nod to that. - Zach ]
As Lily works on her list, Marshall grows more offended. When she complains she can't think of the last two, Marshall reads over her shoulder. "Reason number 48: to reinforce good behavior such as shaving and dental hygiene." "Oh, now you're conditioning me? Great. That explains why I always get an erection when I floss." TMI! TMI! But dammit, why didn't she mention that Medusa's mop on his head? Wasted opportunity, Lily. He's already committed to the flossing.
While current-day Ted is at the restaurant with Vicky, Saget!Ted tells us that he had to prove he was over Stella and ready to get back out there. And over a shot of Barney at MacLaren's, Saget!Ted says, "And Barney needed to prove that he too could pull off 'The Naked Man.'" At the woman's apartment, Barney thanks her for showing him her aquarium, and asks to use the bathroom. Once he's behind closed doors, he starts to strip and calls Ted on his cell. "Ted, I'm doing it. I'm doing The Naked Man. " We flash to Vicky's living room, where a totally nude Ted tells Barney, "Me, too," and we cut to a commercial.
After the break, a still very-naked Ted says, "I'm doing it! I'm doing 'The Naked Man.'" A now totally naked and buff Barney is more thrilled than he would have been if Season 1 Ted had suited up more often. He wants to know why Ted changed his mind. Ted explains that while the date started off well, it turned. Flashback to the restaurant. Vicky is flirting up a storm with Ted one minute (and complimenting him on those popping eyes) then browbeating their water for spilling a tiny bit of water on the table, the next minute. Later, she tells an amusing-to-her story of an elderly person with a cane falling down a flight of stairs. Ted tells Barney, "Once I realized there was no possible future for this relationship, I just decided to go for it." Okay -- you find her too contemptible to have future dinners with, but just right for sexing? Where's Marshall? Apparently I'm a bigger prude than I thought.
Barney proclaims Ted's decision "awesome," proving Marshall and I are right about this casual sex thing (particularly with people you can't stand). He then asks Ted which pose he'll assume to display his Naked Man. Barney was thinking about the "Superman" . Ted asks his opinion on the "Captain Morgan" , and I thank heaven for Vicky's rather gaudy conch sculpture, because all I can think about now is that Seinfeld episode about good naked versus bad naked, and I'm telling you, the Captain Morgan's got to be bad naked. Barney tries out the "Oops, I didn't see you there." Ted (and the blessed sculpture) tries out "The Thinker" . Barney does the "Heisman" . My husband's been doing that one off and on for the last 24 hours. Ted suggests "Mr. Clean" . Barney counters with the "Burt Reynolds" (not terribly unsafe for work, but not particularly safe, either), and true to form, Neil Patrick Harris steals the scene with his attention to detail, with the gum chewing and the head nod. That said, I want to hand it to Josh Radnor, because, NPH is buff and Radnor is just normal. He's not unattractive, but he's not sporting a mean six pack; he's not pumped; and he's kind of pale. If he was uncomfortable shooting these scenes, you'd never know it. What a trouper.
Sideways slide to a restaurant called Capriccio. Robin is having her "I'm Not A Slut" follow-up date with Naked Man, whom we will now call Mitch, because he is clothed. She tries to engage him in conversation, but he just nods and eats a roll. Switching tracks, she says, "So, what is it like managing a C.P.K. ? I mean whose idea was it to put a pineapple in the..." Mitch cuts her off. "I know what this is. I've been on this date before. This is the 'I'm Not A Slut' date." Robin scoffs and tells him he's reading her all wrong. And you've got to kind of love Formerly Naked Man, because he shoots from the hip (heaven help me). "Come on, Robin. One of us had a good time last night, and we both know it was me." Robin says, "Mitchell... Something! That is just not true!" Mitch calls her bluff and asks her how the sex was. She cheerfully offers that she didn't hate it. Mitch tells her, "You've seen my move. That's it. I have nothing else to offer you. I'm broke, I sweat when I eat, and I'm in like five different fantasy football leagues. It's all I talk about. Trust me, you don't want to be around that." Robin argues that she does, and comes right out and says she didn't sleep with him because he was naked, but Mitch says, "Yeah, you did. And now you're trying to pretend it was something more to make yourself feel better. Say what you will. At least 'The Naked Man' is honest."
Cut back to Ted at Vicky's. He's trying out the "Coppertone Baby" pose. Barney does the "Olympic Gymnast Who Stuck the Landing" , and my word, NPH can't be wearing much more than a sock. They end the call, and Ted calls out to Vicky that she has a nice place. From the other room, she shouts back that she's impressed that he's an architect. "It's so fascinating. I could listen to you talk about structural design all night." His face softens as Saget!Ted narrates it was then that he noticed a book of Pablo Neruda love poems on Vicky's coffee table, and his favorite, " "Desnuda" " is bookmarked. He worries that he was all wrong about Vicky and hustles to get back into his clothes before she catches him.
Just as Ted finishes dressing, Vicky returns to her living room with two desserts, which I'm guessing she made from scratch, since Ted had so much naked, fun phone time with Barney. He holds up the book and says, "Pablo Neruda?" Vicky says, "Oh, yeah. That book's a turd. Some douchey guy I hooked up with left it here. It's all in Mexican ." She gives it the Bronx cheer and the thumbs down at once as she clomps back out to the kitchen in her high heels that sound like they're being worn by a woman twice her weight. "You know who writes good poems? Jewel. Her teeth are crooked and she lived in a car, so she has stuff to write about." She returns to the room to find Ted standing there stark naked. He simply says, "Ta-dah!" Vicky eyes him up and down.
Cut to Barney's girl's place. He's gone with the Superman pose, and the poor woman gasps as she enters the room. Cut to Dowistrepla. Lily has gone with the foolproof "Naked Woman" strategy, in order to make up with Marshall. Cut to Barney's girl. Cut to Vicky and Ted. She says, "Okay," throws down her dessert and starts undoing her dress. Don't do it, Ted. You have to see her in the elevator every single workday. Save yourself. Ah, he's not going to listen. His ears are all clogged up with nakedity.
At MacLaren's, Ted announces to Marshall and Lily that "The Naked Man" works. "I just had decent sex with an awful human being. I am back!" Oh, Ted. Lily informs Ted that he's not the only one who "rocked the Naked Man" tonight. Flashback to Lily and Marshall. He accuses her of just wanting to "do it" to change the subject. She readily admits this and then says, "Hey! That's number 49! Still work?" Marshall says, "It's like I just flossed." Lily tells him she loves him. Marshall pats her shoulder and says, "That's 50." Lily says, "Oh, yeah," and we flash back to MacLaren's. You can find Lily's entire list scribbled on a MacLaren's cocktail napkin, here . My favorite, of late, is number 19. Ted asks Lily what pose she went with. She selected the "I've got boobs," which has never been known to fail. Marshall says, "And she nailed it." Lily gives him her brightest smile, and boy, pregnancy agrees with Hannigan. Robin and Mitch enter the bar and approach the threesome. Ted is so excited they're getting to meet Naked Man. Robin has her arm around him, makes it clear Ted should call Mitch "Mitch" instead of "Naked Man" and adds that he's her boyfriend. Naked Man looks uncomfortable -- like his shorts are crawling up, or something. Marshall holds up his hand. "That's okay, Robin, I no longer call slut ." Robin turns to Mitch. "Okay, you can go. We're done." He nods in agreement, thanks her and takes off, but Ted calls him back. He has to thank him. They all tried the Naked Man tonight. Mitch is interested in the outcome. Robin must be dying. I'd be kicking Ted under the table, and dying. Marshall calls Barney to see how he did.
Barney's girl is alone in her bathroom. She picks up the phone. Marshall asks if Barney's there, but she says no. We flash back to her confronting a still naked and terribly embarrassed Mr. Stinson. "Oh my God, what's the matter with you? Get out." He tries to grab his suit. "It's very expensive." She continues to scream at him to leave, 'til he finally takes off in his birthday suit, which may not be expensive, but is irreplaceable. Flash forward to the woman talking to Marshall on Barney's phone. "And if I see him again, I'm calling the cops." Everyone should have a Karen -- so much more reliable. The woman throws Barney's cell phone in her toilet and stomps out of her bathroom. Back at MacLaren's, Mitch nods and reminds the gang, "Two out of three times." Ted tells Mitch that the night really helped him get out of his shell. Mitch says, "That's the beauty of the naked man. It gives you exactly what you need. No more. No less." He looks at Robin with a warm smile. She cringes as she smiles back at him. Then he takes his leave. After all, has important things to attend to. One of his fantasy football quarterbacks needs replacing. He separated his shoulder.
After he's gone, Ted raises a toast to Mitch. "By the sum of his parts, he is just a man, but what he does with those parts becomes so much more." He continues in voiceover, as we watch Mitch walk down the dark Manhattan streets. "He may not fit society's definition of a hero, but he is the hero I needed." Mitch buys a hotdog from a street vendor, which is pretty darned brave. "The hero who helped me recover from the disaster of my failed almost-marriage and get back in the game." Oh, wait, it's just a pretzel. Not so brave. "He lives in the shadows. Is he a dream? Truth? Fiction? Damnation? Salvation? He is all these things and none of them. He is -- The Naked Man ." As Mitch leaves our view, we're treated to a magnificent shadow of his trench coat floating behind him, in a way that would have done Angel proud. And so kids, that's how your father got his groove back -- from a naked man.
Still-naked Barney pops into view. He's panicked and drawing attention from pedestrians. We hear a woman yell, "Oh my God," as he runs off. She must have seen his abs.
End tag: Barney creeps down the street, hiding behind a mail box and whatever else presents itself. He spots a sidewalk sale of suits, which makes no sense, because the store is closed, yet the rack of suits is still sitting out front. He thanks God and hustles over to grab something -- anything -- to cover himself up. Or maybe not. One look at the chintzy duds and he flies off into the night. Naked, and alone? Perhaps? But in a butt-ugly cheap suit? Never.
Three cheers to the camera crew this week. They had some tricky shots to keep the show street legal, and handled it with aplomb. I'm also putting my hands together for Josh, because he rocked Ted tonight, like a naked man would. And where would we be without Neil Patrick Harris's gene pool and personal trainer, and Barney's blog , which has been updated with the history of "The Naked Man." It's hiatus time, so next week's a re-run of " The Bracket ." Thanks, you all. Hope you have a lovely, slap-free Thanksgiving (if you celebrate) and a lovely Thursday if you don't.
Discuss this episode in our forums , then check out our Holiday Gift Guide for a great How I Met Your Mother gift idea, plus other TV shows!
Were there any other Vicky/Victorias on this show? It seems like there have been more than two. If you know of another, drop me a line at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com. Happy Holidays. I'll catch you in 2009.