The Possimpible
Updated 2009-02-03 08:47:46
Warning -- the episode we're about to discuss is really cute. If cuteness were mercury, we'd be sitting next to Jeremy Piven in the chelation therapy waiting room, while David Mamet cracked jokes about us looking for work as thermometers. Don't worry. It doesn't feel like someone's force feeding us vials of quicksilver cuteness. It's more like we're enjoying our yummy Monday night sushi and BAM! Cuteness overload.
The whole gang is at Ted's apartment, sorting through Robin's mail that Metro News One just got around to forwarding (four months after she left). She has more fans than Lily imagined. Ted adds that only about 60% of them are prison inmates. Robin says, "What are these guys thinking? I am way past my "dating prisoners" phase. It's like, Hello! I'm not 19 anymore." Do they even have prisoners in Canada? I guess they must, because Lily cringes in horror but Robin is too delighted by her "maturity" to notice the awkward silence around her. Barney cuts it short by pointing out that "Lottery Girl" is on, and he turns on the TV. Robin says she feels sorry for those women . "This is where broadcast careers go to die." As opposed to...Ted's guest room?
Barney's invented a game for watching the Lottery segment. When the hostess announces a number, he add in some MST3K -style comments for fun. The Lottery girl announces 19 . Barney says: "Age you moved to New York after a photographer "discovered" you at a food court, and said he'd get you in Vogue magazine." The next number is 53 . "Number of semi-nude pictures he took of you before you realized he had no connection to Vogue magazine." 22 : "Age you claim you are." 31 : "Age you actually are." 45 : "Number of minutes it would take me to get you into a cab, out of your dress, and into my Jacuzzi." When the Lottery Girl says, "And the Super Big Ball is..." Barney snaps off the TV and finishes: "What happens after we get out of the Jacuzzi." He turns to Ted with a "What UP!" and they share an enthusiastic high-five.
Theme song!
As Robin enters MacLaren's, Saget!Ted narrates: "Kids, by the winter of 2009, Robin had been unemployed for months, but there was a glimmer of hope." Lily asks Robin how her audition went. She says that she went into it feeling good... and I feel the weight of the unspoken "but" hanging in the air, while we flash back to the audition. Robin enters a waiting room and sits between the two other women competing for same job. She tries to make small talk, but they deftly use that opportunity to psyche her out. Robin mentions that she used to anchor Metro News 1, so the first woman comments that as an anchor, she must have had a killer sign off phrase. When Robin doesn't follow what she's saying, the second woman explains. "Like Walter Cronkite: 'And that's the way it is'." They ask her about hers, but Robin only ever said, "From all of us here at Metro News One -- have a good evening." Is anyone else hearing Jane Curtin's old SNL Weekend Update in their heads: "Good night, and have a pleasant tomorrow." Just me, then. Anyhow, we flash forward to MacLaren's, where Barney notes that his sign-off phrase is, "From all of us here at Barney's apartment, get out." Lily says she hopes Robin didn't let those "reporter bitches" psyche her out, and we flash ...
...Back to the audition: Robin finishes reading an item on the President's new economic proposal (timely!) and signs off with, "From all of us here at News Ten -- have a good evening." The producers look at one another. I think they're hearing Jane Curtin, too. Robin flinches and adds, "So, good night, New York. And may the road ahead be lit with dreams and tomorrows...which are lit with dreams. Also." At MacLaren's, Ted tells her, "Wow, that was terrible. And bad. Also." Robin says, "I wasn't done," and we flash back to the audition that wouldn't end. "Stand tall, New York. Trustworthy. Recycling. Wear a condom." My husband, who's been a bit of a crotchety old man about the media scaring people to death, and about our society's tendency to want to legislate everything, starts ranting that it's soon going to come to that. I try to be patient as shush him. I blame his recent crankiness on the trans-fat deficit in his diet. Robin quickly comes to terms with the fact that she blew her audition and we jump to...
...Ted's apartment. The gang sorts through some more of Robin's mail as Ted reviews her résumé, suggests it's too cluttered. He hands her a copy of his for a lean, mean example. She notes that his stint in college as Program Director for 88.1 Wesleyan University Radio might no longer be all that relevant. Marshall and Lily roll their eyes at their memories of Ted's days as the "mysterious" Dr. X on 88.1, and true to form -- the creators have made us another website. Check it out . To hear Ted tell it, Dr. X was an unidentified, mysterious genius phantom D.J. whose identity still remains secret to this day, and who "changed the very face of college radio." According to Lily and Marshall, Dr. X was Ted; everyone knew Ted was Dr. X; and Dr. X sucked. Heh. We flash , back to Ted and Marshall's dorm. Marshall and Lily are lounging around eating pizza, and listening to Dr. X -- who is clearly Ted, and he's in full-on pretentious mode, which is what college Ted does best. Despite being a "mystery man" who broadcasts from an "undisclosed location," (third floor of the Student Union, next the game room, per Marshall) Dr. X is claiming to get a lot of fan mail on his segment about the "racist meal plan" at Wesleyan, and invites his listeners to a happening to protest it. "[O]utside the dining hall, Monday at midnight. It's high time the Food Service puppet masters took ignorance and injustice off the menu." He goes on for a moment then closes with, "Another Dr. X happening. I'll be there, because X marks the spot-ot-ot-ot-ot..." We flash to the present, where Marshall says, "If you think people liked your show, they did not-ot-ot-ot..." I love how Marshall and Lily don't even pretend to humor Ted on this sort of crap.
Barney calls Robin's attention to a letter from the U.S. Department of Immigration that somehow got mixed in with her fan mail. Robin reads it and discovers it's about her work visa. She must find a new job in seven days, or she'll be deported back to Canada. And to put the situation in our sitcom, that letter was postmarked two months ago. Barney's sitting further back from everyone, in a chair near the fireplace. He says, "I can't believe you might be kicked out of the country." Robin paces. She can't believe this is happening, either; her whole life is here. Ted says one of them will help her find a job. Lily bets she can find Robin something at her school. Personally, I think everyone should get a job at Goliath National Bank. At least then I could pretend that "people" I "know" are benefiting from the bail-out. Marshall's face and voice are grim as he LAWYERS their ideas. "No, guys, it doesn't work. Robin only gets her work visa if she gets a job in her field ." As Robin walks over to take the letter from Marshall, he adds, "You know what, I guess you could stay if you married a U.S. citizen." Barney rises, as Robin's back is to him, and her face is buried in the letter. CUTE! Marshall says, "Yeah, that could work." Barney goes down on one knee, clasps his hands together, and looks as if he's about to speak. CUTE! Marshall says, "Oh, no. They could never process that and make it official in time. That won't work." Shut up, Marshall, you're interrupting the cute, and a green card seems more stable to me than a work visa. Sure enough, Barney rises from the floor and returns to his chair. Aww.
Robin's been sending out her audition reel for three months, but she's not getting anything. Ted suggests maybe her reel is to blame, and pops it in the DVD player. Robin tells them the first clip is from when Robin was a Cub Reporter for Channel 22 in Red Deer. When the gang looks at her with blank faces, she adds, "In Alberta." It still doesn't register, so she snips, "In Canada ." Altogether they say, "O! Canada." We jump to Robin's clip. She's reporting outside in the middle of a snowstorm, about (or "aboat") the fishermen who, despite the blizzard, are "still happy to be oat competing in Lake Athabasca's Bass Fishing Jamboree -- an August 1st tradition." Hee. The gang is horrified that Robin has this on her reel, but she defends the inclusion of the clip, because it shows where she came from. Marshall sticks up for her. "I get it. Where you're from is part of who you're selling. For instance, under "special skills" on my résumé, I mention that back in Minnesota, I was the 1995 Nicollet County Slam Dunk Champion." Ted scoffs at Marshall for including that, but Marshall says, "Yeah, why wouldn't you? A lot of companies have basketball teams. It's good for them to know that Vanilla Thunder can still take the rock to the hole." When did basketball talk get dirty? I thought it was just me when Veronica Mars used the term "awesome ball-er," but now I'm thinking twice.
Ted points out that Marshall can no longer dunk. Marshall disputes this. "Of course I can. Well, I mean I could... until... until recently." Lily adds, "Until the injury," and we flash back to Lily and Marshall at his doctor's office. Dr. Goodman gives them the diagnosis: iliopsoas tendonitis . Lily alarmed by this serious sounding term, until the doctor explains it's more commonly known as "Dancer's Hip" and Lily and the doc both dissolve into giggle fits, much to Marshall's annoyance. CUTE! We flash forward to the apartment, where Lily is trying to stifle a grin as Marshall tells his friends about iliopsoas tendonitis and blames it on a basketball injury. She can't do it, and blurts out, "Dancer's hip. Marshall has something called dancer's hip!" Marshall explains that it's only called that because it's an injury common to ballet dancers and then realizes what he's said. Robin's the first aboard the mockery bandwagon, asking Marshall if any of the other little girls in his class have Dancer's Hip. Ted's right behind her, asking Marshall if it's easier to dance without external genitalia. Lily says, "Guys, come on. Marshall didn't get this injury from dancing..." Her husband thanks her, perhaps a tad too early. "Clearly, the stirrups were set a little too wide during his last trip to the gyno."
Incredibly enough, Barney's the one to put an end to the teasing (of course he does this while saying they might make Marshall cry). He changes the subject; tells Robin that what she needs is a video résumé, and pops open his laptop to show her his (that's laptop computer and his video résumé , you filthy minded beggars). It's posted at BarneysVideoResume.com , because the creators spoil us rotten. If you click the "click here" button, you'll get a pop-up asking whether you'd prefer to "view it in awesome resolution" or to "view it in not as awesome resolution." So far, I can't get either to load. I understand from the forums that the site's been getting slammed. Now for the uninitiated, Barney's video is a parody of " Impossible Is Nothing ," the real-life video résumé of Aleksey Vayner that went viral back in 2006. Watch it here , and see (thanks to Entchen in the forums for the veoh link).
Now, back to Barney's masterpiece. I'm not sure I can do it justice, so I'm going to give it to you short and sweet (or as Barney might prefer -- quick and dirty). It opens with Barney's first name rising out of the ocean like a sun (which makes me giggle because it kind of puts me in mind of the sunray graphic on TWoP's home page -- I'm sorry people who sign my check, but it does). [ "Sign your check... yeah, I'll get around to that eventually. Maybe." -- Angel ] Barney's wearing a tux and reading a book, and acts as if we've interrupted him. Throughout the video, his glasses are off and on so much I could mistake him for David Caruso . Off-screen-Barney, using a sometimes-English and sometimes-Scottish accent, asks on-screen Barney-in-a-tux questions -- which he non-answers without spewing a single word of substance. As Barney tells his friends, "Corporate America wants people who seem like bold risk takers, but never actually do anything." We see Barney revving a motorcycle while he non-answers; standing by a horse while he non-answers; and never doing or saying anything that makes sense. The video flashes back to Barney-in-a-tux explaining his philosophy. "All my life, I have dared to go past what is possible." The "interviewer" asks, To the impossible? Tux-Barney corrects: "Actually, past that...to the place where the possible and the impossible meet to become...the possimpible." At the end of the video, Barney speaks more words of wisdom. "If I can leave you with one thought, it's this: Nothing...and everything...is possimpible ." Why does that leave me wanting to watch Lost , and how long before I can work a possimpible reference into the Lost recaps ? Possimpibly, the video ends with an action-laden video montage of extreme sports, fighter jets, a cheetah, explosions, and everything else that has nothing to do with Barney, and it's set to a song singing about how awesome Barney is. Ted asks Barney if that's him singing the song about himself. Barney says, "Absolutely not. That would be lame." We then hear the lyrics, " And it isn't Barney Stinson singing this song; that would be really lame. " CUTE! Now I want a meaningless video in which I interview myself in a fake accent, and sing an arena rock song about myself at the end. Damn. Barney truly is awesome. [ "It took me until the fifth viewing to notice that the background "singers" are just saying awesome over and over again during the anthem. Which is awesome." -- AC ]
Lily, Marshall and Ted can't believe Barney when he claims the video got him eleven job offers, but Robin's ready to try anything, so she asks Barney to make one for her. He's excited she's bought into his idea (and of course thrilled to have an excuse to spend time with her), and she's so desperate to avoid deportation that she ignores the rest of the gang, who think it's an "insane-u-lous" use of time. Barney says, "Okay, we better get started. There's a lot to shoot. I don't think I can't use any of the footage I already have of you." When Robin wants to know what footage he already has, Barney blanches, scratches his head, and makes for the door, saying, "Let's just get started." Robin, if you want to sleep nights, don't ask that question again, sister.
We sideways slide to MacLaren's, where Lily asks Marshall if he's still upset about the Dancer's Hip jokes. She reassures him they were all just kidding and know it's just a basketball injury. Marshall accepts this, and then in a low, soft voice confesses that there's something he has to tell her. "I dance more than you know." CUTE! Lily doesn't know how to respond to that, and we jump to...
...Barney's place: He's got a green screen set up behind Robin and his camera trained on her -- with her knowledge and consent, even. Who says you can't teach an old dog new tricks? Robin at first gives reasonable, well thought-out answers to Barney's off-screen questions. Of course that will never do, so he has her spout a bunch of corporate-ese and business buzz, encouraging her to make up words: Connectitude. Transformatation. Linkativity. Barney stops her there, because that last one's his. And we jump to...
...MacLaren's: Lily tries to find out how much dancing Marshall's talking about, but she's not satisfied with his answer of "medium." She demands to know more. "Why are you dancing so much, and why don't I know about it?" Marshall tries to explain. "It's something I do when I'm alone. Like if something good happens, I get excited and I need to move, and I just... I don't know. I don't want to even talk about this anymore." Lily says, "So that's how you injured your hip?" and Marshall makes a, "I hate to admit it but yes," face, and we flash back to the Halls of Goliath National Bank. Marshall, upon learning the whole office is being sent home at 2:00 PM and dances into his office (over ballet music; Tchaikovsky, maybe; I don't know -- I just finished last week's Lost recap so I don't have any brain power left). CUTE! He closes his door (tease!) and we hear a thud and his howl of pain as we jump to...
Barney's place: Robin walks back into the living room-turned-studio, wearing a karate gi and headband. She complains the costumes are ridiculous. She should blame Aleksey Vayner, because he did it first . She rubs her shoulder as she says, "The Amazon Warrior Princess armor gave me a rash," and Barney admits she isn't the first "lady" to have worn that at his place. Now he has her in the gi because (it's CUTE! and it hides Cobie's baby bump pretty well) he wants to convey her power, and he plans on doing this by having her break a waist-high stack of bricks. With her head. Ambitious! Aleksey Vayner only broke a knee-high stack, and he got to use his hands. Darned Ivy Leaguers and their silver spoons. When she complains that she can't break 15 bricks with her forehead, Barney says, "Robin, it's not 1950, anymore. Yes, you can. " Robin declares she's out of there because none of this is going to help her get a job -- she's going to get kicked out of the country. She sighs and says she knows what she has to do, and we jump to...
...The Place Where Broadcast Careers Go To Die. Over a shot of the New York Lotto headquarters, Saget!Ted narrates that Robin had reached a low point in her career -- auditioning for the Lottery Girl gig. She gives it her best shot, but the producers (a Suit and a Hipster Doofus, who are hysterically bitchy) find something wrong with every take. And they're fantastic, so I'll transcribe.
ROBIN: And tonight's Lotto numbers are...
HIPSTER DOOFUS: Hold it. Say the line before you press the button.
SUIT (whispering to the HD): It builds the suspense.
H.D.: It builds the suspense.
ROBIN: And tonight's Lotto numbers are...seventeen...
SUIT (whispering to the HD): Stop her.
HD: Hold it.
SUIT (whispering to the H.D.): Why did she say it like that? It's like she's not even happy about the 17 coming up. She seems mean.
HD (to Suit): Yeah, she seems super-mean.
HD (to Robin): Can you take another run at "17" for us?
ROBIN: Seventeen.
SUIT (whispering to the H.D.): I don't even understand what she's doing.
HD (to Suit): Let me try something.
HD (to Robin): Try being a little more wry.
ROBIN: Wry? About the number 17?
HD: Wry, with a little bit of a...
SUIT (whispering to the H.D.): Twinkle.
HD: Twinkle.
ROBIN: (with a shimmy) Seventeen.
(Raise your hand if you were hoping that was going to bring out her inner Robin Sparkles.) The Suit looks at the Hipster Doofus as if to say, "No bloody way." They both shake their heads, and the Hipster Doofus turns to Robin and LIES: "That was great." And we jump to...
MacLaren's: Where Ted is still riding Marshall about his Dancer's Hip. Marshall pouts that it's not funny, and if it worsens he'll need surgery. Ted says, "Vaginal rejuvenation surgery?" Marshall shoots back, "You know who didn't do a lot of operating on vaginas in college? Dr. X." Ted shouts back, "He did just fine." Lily cuts them short, telling them they both need to cut the "weak-ass crap" from their résumés, and let go of the past. Ted calls Lily out on the "weak-ass crap" on her résumé. She pretends she doesn't have any, but her own husband sells her out and we flash back to...
The Coney Island Eatfest of 1995: A black-haired Lily is competing in a hotdog eating contest. The judge calls time and announces the results. "And the new champion, with 29 hot dogs -- Lily "The Belly" Aldrin!" Lily stands up. Now, you all know, Alyson Hannigan is expecting, and for once, the show isn't trying to hide it, so we get a good long profile shot, as she holds her belly with one hand while the other rests on her tush, and Lily says, "Whoa." Whoa, indeed (but not woe ). Look at that baby bump. CUTE! We flash forward to...
MacLaren's: Ted's giving Lily a hard time, because being hotdog eating champion doesn't seem relevant to teaching kindergarten. Lily contends that it teaches kids she can...eat a lot of hot dogs, quickly. Marshall argues that she can't do that anymore. Lily slams her beer down on the table and says, "You can't dunk anymore, 'Lady Hips'." Them's fighting words, but Robin walks before the argument really takes off, and Ted settles them down once he sees Robin's woebegone expression. She didn't even get the Lotto Girl gig, and says she has to move back to Canada. We jump to...
The apartment: Ted, Lily and Marshall listen as Robin reminisces about moving to the City. "I remember the night before I moved down here. They threw a going-away party for me. They gave me a camera so I could take pictures and send them home. And everyone was so sure I was gonna be such a big success." From either side of her, Ted and Lily pat her back. Robin says, "I'm really gonna miss you guys," and she and Lily hug. Barney walks in and wonders what's going on. They tell him Robin's going to have to move back to Canada. Barney says that's awful, "I mean, for one thing it's gonna be a really long commute." He finished Robin's video résumé, messengered it to every station in the City, got her a couple of offers (okay, and lost the first from Channel 8, when he refused to allow her to audition), and brokered a job for her as host of Channel 12's new morning talk show. [Check out poster phineastbarnum's meta-fun fact about Channels 8 and 12 in Manhattan .] Barney pops open a beer, and raises it in Robin's direction. "Congratulations, Miss Scherbatsky. It looks like you're going to have to stay." Robin runs and hugs Barney, and then Ted, while Lily turns to Marshall and says, "You're not about to dance, are you?" Marshall says, "Oh, no. I'm good." A beat, and then, "I'll do it later." CUTE!
While everyone else rejoices, Robin looks at Barney with gratitude and affection, and asks him how he managed to pull it all off. Barney smiles. "I am Master of the Possimpible." She says, "You really are. Thank you," then embraces him again. Barney holds her close and pats her hair, as he drinks in the moment. Saget!Ted narrates: "So, thanks to your Uncle Barney, we got to keep your Aunt Robin." CUTE! "And the rest of us decided it was time to let some things go." We see Ted removing his radio job from his résumé, and Marshall removing "slam dunk champion" from his. But not our Lily, oh no. We jump to MacLaren's, where Lily is shoving hotdogs down her throat faster than...I'm not going to finish that sentence. Marshall holds a stop-watch, while the whole bar crowds around the table. Marshall calls time and asks, "What's the count?" Ted yells out, "Thirty-three!" and the fans go wild. Both those in the bar, and those at home, because we get another, completely gratuitous shot of Alyson Hannigan's baby bump. STILL CUTE! She and Marshall hug, and when they part, he cups his hands to her belly and makes a WHOA face. We jump to Dowistrepla, where Lily updates her résumé, too -- she removes the "29 hotdogs in 8 minutes" and replaces it with to "33 hotdogs in 8 minutes." CUTE! She smiles and we fade to black.
End tag: What will it be? A shot of Marshall dancing? [Link snagged from Sepinwall's blog .] No and boo. Robin's video résumé? No and poo. Instead, it's a shot of the Mysterious Dr. X, on a Monday at midnight in 1998, standing outside Wesleyan's McConaughey Dining Hall, picketing the "racist meal plan." All alone. He lowers his picket sign ("Meal Plan = Racism"), takes off his ski mask (which has a big duct-tape X across the face), puts his "spectacles" back on, and whines, "Why is no one coming to my happenings?" He scuffs off, kicking at something that isn't even there and... eh, kinda cute, but man, I was expecting something way better. All the cuteness had me ready to give this episode a straight A (even though it maybe deserved less; I am easily swayed by cuteness, and hooboy I almost made one heck of a typo, there), but now I'm feeling a wee bit deflated, and bitter. Well, that part's a lie. And I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy seeing pompous and pretentious college-aged Ted get the hot air let out of his ego balloon. And his crazy college hairdo always cracks me up, but still. I'm going to have to hope CBS buys this domain name from whomever was smart enough to snag the URL, or wait in hope for a good extra on the season 4 DVDs. Still, it was a really cute episode in all. I love when the gang is working toward a common goal. Their friendship is what keeps me watching (well, that and Barney...okay and Robin/Barney. Okay and Lily/Marshall...and even just plain old Marshall, now that Jason Segal's got normal hair again. All right, and I admit it, even Ted. And I'm curious about who will be the mother. And I like the flashback style, and when the show sets up websites, and seeing Alyson Hannigan's baby bump...and I. Oh Show, I just love you.)
Got a suggestion on how to work "Possimpible" into a Lost recap, or another wish for this episode's end tag? Then go ahead and e-mail it to CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com. 'Til next week, remember nothing and everything...is possimpible.