The Sexless Innkeeper
Updated 2009-10-13 09:20:18
Of course this episode had to air the week I resolved to put the "wee" back in my weecaps. "The Sexless Inkeeper" is begging to be practically transcribed, and yet I've been sick for a week and a half, and my body is begging me to nap long and head to bed early. Why are Carter Bays and Craig Thomas trying to kill me, and how did they ever enlist that cute Jason Segel to help them? They'd better write me a "Sleepless Recapper" poem. I'm just saying. In the meantime, I'm going to gloss where I can and revel where I must. You ready? Okay.
MacLaren's: Ted has taken to wearing a tweed jacket. Barney points out that it's "textile of the eunuch," but Ted says he's wrong; ladies dig the professorial garb. I do, but mostly when Anthony Stewart Head is wearing it. Robin thinks he has a point and starts telling a story about her sexy 10th grade math teacher, Harold. My 10th grade math teacher was, in my opinion, a giant, disgusting perv. Allegedly. He told me way too many times to put my shoulders back and stand up straight. There was nothing wrong with my posture, and, allegedly, it wasn't my back he was looking at while he was talking, but I digress. Allegedly. Sounds like Robin and her teacher digressed and transgressed too, because she cuts her story short, then wonders if Harold is still in jail. When Robin lamely tries to cover for Harold ("for tax evasion...and other things"), the booth falls into an uncomfortable silence. Lily breaks it by inviting Barney and Robin over for a Couples Night. Yes, Ted, they're playing " One of These Things Is Not Like the Other ," but since you don't flinch about this throughout the entire episode, who are we to judge? When Robin and Barney accept, Saget!Ted tells us Lily and Marshall's sad history of trying to find best couple-friends, and how bad they sucked at keeping them. We see clips of them trying to book New Year's plans in April, and otherwise trying way too hard. They even strike out with Ranjit and Falgunia (?). "I'm sorry Marshall, but Falgunia and I are just not that into you." He turns toward Lily. "And you." Saget!Ted points out that Robin and Barney have no idea what they've just agreed to, as we watch Lily plan their couples' night with military precision. But the hungry, desperate look in the Aldrin-Eriksen's eyes must tip them off, when they're greeted by their hosts. As soon as Lily's overly-earnest "Welcome," leaves her lips, Marshall offers them some of the cheese he's been carrying around for the entire scene. "Gouda?" We sideways slide to...
MacLaren's: Ted is testing out his ladies-dig-the-professor-look theory on a pretty young thing at the bar, who asks him if it's "hard" to grade papers. Look, I have friends who teach at all levels, so I'll... offer no comment at this time. Ahem. Ted jokes about doing a shot every time he spots an error. The girl laughs too easily at this, and then she tilts her head. "So... you said you live... right upstairs?" Saget!Ted narrates about things falling into place, whether it's in the dating world or the double-dating world, and we jump back to...
Dowisetrepla: Barney and Robin are leaving, with big smiles on their face. After Lily closes the door behind them, she smiles at Marshall. "Nailed it!" Marshall says, "Best night ever!" They high-five, and we cut to the hallway. Barney says, "Worst night ever." Robin pantomimes blowing her brains out. Barney mimes wiping her brains off his face. Heh. And uh-oh. The disgusted looks on their faces say more than words ever could about their evening.
Theme Song!
Ted and Robin's Apartment: Ted asks how the big couples' night (from which he was so rudely excluded, but hey, he's not bitching, so I won't either) was. Robin says it was "brutal." Barney paints us a picture. "It was like we were on a date with a sad, chubby girl our mom made us call." Robin says Marshall and Lily were so nervous, they didn't make sense. We flashback to Lily offering them margaritas as Marshall, who is still carrying his cheese platter, yells out, "In Cabo, I saw Sammy Hagar eating a Belgian waffle." Back at Ted's, Barney tells him that they kept shoving food at them, too. Ted asks if Marshall got super-intense about the cheese. Amazed, Robin asks how he knew that. Ted says, "Poor Marshall. Lily's this gourmet cook, and all she lets Marshall do is pick out one sad block of cheese." We flash back to Lily offering Barney and Robin prosciutto-wrapped melon and all manner of delicacies. And in between each offer, Marshall's there with the cheese, like that funny little guy in the "Restless" episode of Buffy (whom I'd quote and link to, but I just did that in last week's weecap of The Vampire Diaries , and it feels cheap, somehow). After Lily puts out the seared scallops with a mango chutney, Marshall says, "Seriously, don't sleep on the Gouda." When Lily presents the lobster ravioli in a black truffle oil, Marshall sings, "Tick tock goes the Gouda clock." All this attention (and the tacos they shoved down outside the subway) makes Robin and Barney uncomfortable, so Barney explains they weren't expecting dinner. Back at Ted's, Barney adds that Lily and Marshall freaked out whenever any little thing varied from their well-laid plans. Back in Dowisetrepla, they're barely holding it together, because the egg timer they were going to use for charades is broken, and Marshall can't fix it. Lily makes a panicked reference to "technical difficulties" trying to make Robin laugh because she's in TV and... yeah... that's what they say, and yeah, it's just that bad. I want to watch from the hall, with my fingers over my eyes.
Ted pleads Lily and Marshall's case. They were probably just excited because they've been waiting for couple best-friends for so very long. He says they couldn't have been all that bad. Robin looks at Barney. "Show him." Barney grabs Ted's Mac and shows him the website Marshall already made about their double date (last night). "It's called, ItWasTheBestNightEver.com ." There, you'll find stills from the double date, surrounding a video of Jason Segel and Extreme's Nuno Bettencourt pulling off a lovely visual parody of Extreme's "More Than Words" vid (and blame Zach Oat for me being so precise about this). [ Sorry. Angel and I take Extreme "extremely" seriously. - Zach ] Anyhow, on the show, it happened differently, so here's where I have to transcribe. Over various photos of Marshall and Lily looking happier than ever, while Robin and Barney look like they want to escape or die trying, an acoustic guitar plays, and Marshall sings:
It was the best night ever
Laughter raining down
Like April showers
Oh, we talked for hours...
Best night ever.
Ted says, "Oh, that's not good." Stop interrupting Marshall, Ted.
...Then we played charades
Lily made some créme brulée-lay-lay-lay-lay
And now that we're best couple-friends
There's only one thing left to say...
Are you free? Are you free?
Are you free? Are you free?
Are you free next Saturday?
[Holding up a calendar with ferwonky dates, Marshall speaks:] That's the 17th.
Are you free?
[Marshall speaks] Friday or Sunday would also work.
Or basically any other day.
Before I get back to the scene, did you notice the dates on Marshall's calendar? Sharp-eyed Twit @clrumbaugh pointed it out to me right after the episode . On Marshall's calendar, October starts on a Thursday (like the real October 2009). The first Saturday is the third. Check. The second Saturday is the tenth. Check. It all goes downhill from there. The next week, from Sunday to Saturday is numbered thusly: 15, 14, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17. The rest of the month is numbered in a normal fashion. Anyhow...
Barney takes the Mac from Ted and closes it. "Needless to say, we've both changed our e-mail addresses." Ted doesn't understand why Marshall and Lily think the night was a hit, when it was such a bomb. We flash back to the couples' night at Dowisetrepla. Barney and Robin blow smoke up Lily and Marshall's asses about how fun the evening was. As they hastily back out of the door, Barney adds, "Let's do it again. Soon." Robin says, "Yeah, we'll call ya." We flash forward to the present. Ted wants to know why they'd lie to their friends. Robin shrugs. "Well, that's what you say at the end of a crappy date." Just then, the cutie that Ted was talking up at MacLaren's last night, hustles out of the bathroom and through the living room -- in the same clothes. Her shoes are in her hands, so she can do the walk of shame quickly and quietly. It's a scurry of shame, really. Without stopping, she says, "Hey, Ted. Great time last night. Let's do it again, soon. I'll uh... call ya."
Ted fails to notice she said the same thing to him that Robin and Barney said to Marshall and Lily. He's too impressed with his score. He starts to brag to his friends about how chicks are digging the professor vibe. "She picked me up at the bar. And then... well, uh, she actually wound up falling asleep on the couch, but hey -- that happens." When Barney says, "Um... no it doesn't," Ted disagrees. "She was just exhausted from being turned on. But you heard her. She wants to do it again. Soon." Barney asks Ted where the girl lives. Ted says, "Westchester, why?" Barney points and laughs as he sits on the arm of the couch, next to Robin. "You're 'The Sexless Innkeeper'." Robin's all, "Oh, my God, you're right. He's totally 'The Sexless Innkeeper'." They keep laughing, until Ted asks what exactly that is. In response, Barney recites a poem he composed last year, after his own encounter with a sexless innkeeper, even though Ted doesn't want to hear it. As he performs, we're treated to a video montage of ye olde Barneye, in an olde tyme tavern.
'Twas the night before New Year's
And the weather grew mean.
It was three in the morning,
And I was stranded in Queens.
The tavern grew empty.
The gas lights grew dim.
The horse-drawn carriages
Were all but snowed in...
Ted interrupts: "Wait. If this was last year, why are you acting like it was Oliver Twist? " Barney sighs. "Ted, it's a poem ."
Last call was approaching,
And my fortunes looked bleak.
Then I turned to my left,
And stifled a shriek.
She had a peach fuzz beard.
And weighed 16 stone .
She gobbled up hot wings.
And swallowed the bones.
I muffled a scream
And threw up in my mouth.
I asked, "Where do you live?"
And she said, "One block south."
I swallowed my pride,
And six shots of whiskey,
And prayed to the gods
That she wasn't too frisky.
Back in her cave,
She prepared us a snack.
'Neath her mighty hooves,
The floorboards did crack.
But when she returned,
She found a sound sleeper.
And thus she became
The Sexless Innkeeper.
[To Ted:] And so are you.
Ted can't believe that the girl just used him for a crash pad, even though she totally just used him for crash pad. Barney blames the tweed for putting out vibes indicating he's neither interested in nor capable of having sex. Ted insists he's not the Sexless Iinnkeeper. Barney says the girl never had any intention of hooking up with Ted. Robin adds, "Which is funny, because usually it's the innkeeper who offers turn-down service." The couple high-fives, as Ted gives them a dirty look.
MacLaren's: Barney and Robin are facing each other in the booth, when Marshall and Lily bounce in and tell them they've booked a couples' weekend for them in Vermont. Their itinerary includes apple picking, antiquing, a haunted hayride and a (6:00 AM) foliage hike. Scott and I would totally do all of that except the hike. Marshall? Lily? Call me. Barney can't take it anymore. He apologizes for dodging their calls and says they respect Lily and Marshall too much, and must tell them the truth. He takes a deep breath. "The U.S. Navy has found intelligent, alien life at the bottom of the ocean." Lily's face falls, but Marshall is all wide-eyed innocence. Barney continues: "And for reasons I can't explain, Robin and I have been tapped to lead the expedition." Lily says, "Wow, Barney, that kind of sounds like the stuff you say to girls, when you're too much of a coward to dump them." Marshall agrees. "Yeah, you know, that's exactly what it sounds like." A beat. "But if that's true, that's awesome." Oh, Marshall. Have you met Matt? We'd like to wrap you up in a blanket and take you home with us. Only to eat chocolate pudding. We assure you. Barney nods encouragingly at Marshall, so Lily talks to Robin. "What's going on?" Robin explains that she and Barney are barely equipped to date each other, never mind Lily and Marshall. Barney holds out his hand. "Plus... the alien thing." Lily tells Marshall it's time to go. Marshall turns back to Robin and Barney, his face and voice full of emotion. "You know what? I hope those [ he makes low air quotes ] underwater aliens are cold-blooded, 'cause then you guys will get along just fine." They leave the bar. Barney looks at Robin. "I think they bought it."
Dowisetrepla: Marshall and Lily cuddle up on the couch and drown their sorrows in ice cream, like you do when you've been dumped. They can't believe what's happened. Lily says, "We're so loveable." Yes, you are. Marshall says, "No we're not. We're ugly and gross." Stop that, Marshall. He starts running through the list of all the things they did "right" -- the Gouda, the waffle story. "I even sent them an awesome photo montage." He catches himself and adds, "Nothing" as he looks away from his wife. Lily says they've been "over and over" that. "You have to stop sending those to people." Saget!Ted interrupts to tell us that for months, Marshall has been documenting events with photo montages (and Marshall singing his own songs), and sending them off to friends and colleagues alike in e-mail. The first montage features a Chinese food delivery mishap:
Ordered Chinese food today. [shot of Marshall and the delivery man]
Some moo shu pork sauce got away [shot of food spilled, then shot of stained couch]
Flipped the cushion
Now everything's okay. [Marshall sits next to the clean side of the cushion, a finger to his lips.]
Ted looks at his e-mail with a "huh," expression on his face as we roll to the next one.
Cat-sitting for Lily's mom. [Marshall, Lily and her mom pose with the cat in the kitty carrier.]
Cat-sitting for Lily's mom. [Marshall and mom snuggle the cat.]
It's gonna be fun. [Marshall dangles a chew toy from a string tied to a stick.]
It's gonna bring us all closer together. [He waves the toy too close to the open window and the cat dives out. Shot of Marshall looking horrified.]
Ted stops chewing his food as he opens the next email.
Cat funeral. [Marshall, Lily and Mom stand by kitty-sized coffin.]
Cat funeral. [Lily hugs her mom, who holds a 'We'll Miss You, Whiskers' sign.]
It was an accident. [Lily's mom cries, alone.]
And not entirely my fault. [Lily and relatives hold mom back from attacking Marshall.]
Meow meow meow meow
Cat funeral [Lily, mom and Marshall sit uncomfortably apart.]
Meow meow meow meow [Lily and her mom look at Whiskers' toys.]
Cat funeral [A shot of the coffin with a picture of the kitty and the caption: 'Whiskers 1998 - 2009'.]
[Marshall speaks:] We'll miss you, Whiskers.
Meow meow meow meow
Dowisetrepla; today: Lily berates Marshall for sending one of his photo-montage song e-mails, noting that now Barney and Robin will probably think they're crazy. Honey, they've known you for years. It's not news. Marshall says they dumped her because Lily rushed the Vermont trip. It was a rookie mistake and she should have known better. They should always schedule a boat ride around the city before a weekend away. Lily snaps about Marshall forgetting to check the egg timer before charades and makes a big show of how she only gave him one piddling thing to do, and he couldn't do that right. Marshall takes umbrage at this. "One thing. One thing? Wow. Really? So I guess that Gouda just walked itself right through the door, sliced itself up, and arranged itself in a perfect semi-circle, around not three, not four, but five different kinds of sturdy, cheese-bearing crackers?" He's right in Lily's face now, but she's not cowed. "You're a sturdy cheese-bearing cracker!" I've been calling my husband that, all day. I can't stop. Anyhow, a horrified, Marshall covers his mouth and we cut to...
MacLaren's: Ted tells Barney and Robin since that Marshall and Lily haven't been to the bar all week, they have to apologize -- make things right. Barney cracks a bunch of Sexless Innkeeper jokes, so Ted turns his attention to Robin. "Robin, you know I'm right. Ignoring a problem doesn't make it go away. Usually, it just makes it bigger." That's what she said! Oops, wrong sitcom . Robin says, "You're right. All that sexlessness has made you wise." Ted grumbles at them and storms off. Barney yells out to Ted to put a mint on the pillow for his boarders and not to charge for wi-fi. "It seems greedy." Robin laughs, and Barney turns to her with a look that would melt the coldest heart. Oh, my. Ahem.
Eventually though, Barney and Robin go to Dowisetrepla to apologize. But when Lily and her impressive cleavage answer the door, it's clear she and Marshall are not alone. They've found a new set of best couple-friends, and they're having a great time, laughing at Marshall's Sammy Hagar joke and gorging on Gouda. Lily says she wishes Barney and Robin had called, and that now isn't a good time, takes the wine they brought, tells them they'll call, and shuts the door in their faces. Ha!
MacLaren's: Robin and Barney are sitting in the booth when they're greeted by Lily and Marshall. They can't join them, though. They're just there for a quick drink with their new couple best-friends. He's Py (a foodie) and she's Shea (who is just great). Barney and Robin suggest joining in, but Lily says they're on a double date. "I wouldn't want you to feel like a fifth and sixth wheel." Barney is clearly jealous as he asks who these people are. Marshall and Lily sigh the sigh of the contented then make their excuses. They have to take their new friends for a boat ride around the city. Robin crosses her arms and frowns. "Wow. It sounds like this is getting pretty serious." Marshall says they don't want to jinx it, "But we kind of think they might be the two ." Marshall knocks on the wooden table as Lily knocks on her skull, and they take off for the spacious corner booth. Barney and Robin try to "Phffft" it off, but when another table of couples bursts out in raucous laughter, they look lonely and full of regret.
Eric Carmen's "All By Myself" plays, but it's been filked into " All By Ourselves ." Barney and Robin wander Manhattan's streets, seeing happy groups of best couple-friends, wherever they go. They enter a restaurant and ask the hostess for a table for two. She rolls her eyes and sneers. "Just the two of you?" They nod their heads in resignation and Robin covers her face as Barney leads her out of the restaurant. Later, in bed, they drown their sorrows in ice cream. And Barney's wearing an ice cream-stained white undershirt. No jammie suit! In the next clip, they sit on the couch, pigging out on various munchies. Barney suggests they call the weird ferret-owning couple down the hall for a game of Taboo. Robin says, "After midnight? No way. We can't Tabooty call them. It's pathetic." They can barely mumble out a hello when Ted walks in. His face wrinkles in disgust as he takes in their slovenly appearance. "Barney, are you wearing sweatpants ?" Barney says, "Maybe. But they're Armani." Ted's had it. "I have some bad news for you, so I'm just going to come out and say it: YOU'RE A COUPLE!" He explains to them that couples need other couples. They need to admit they miss Marshall and Lily.
Dowisetrepla: Marshall, Lily, Py and Shea finish up a rollicking game of Twister. Shea compliments Lily on her last move. Py tells them they're the best. Marshall gives him a high-five. "Right back at ya!" Then, there's a knock on the door. When Lily answers it, no one is there, but something is. An egg timer. As it ticks away, Marshall joins Lily to see what's going on. When the timer finally dings, they go out into the hallway. A few feet down, there's another ticking timer. When it dings, they walk further down the corridor... Eventually, they make it to their building's entry. Outside, in the pouring rain, Robin and Barney are waiting on the sidewalk. Barney's holding out the last timer. They both say, "Ding." Despite the deluge, Marshall and Lily descend the front stairs to confront them. Robin offers them the timer. "For charades." Lily smiles and starts to take it, then draws her hand back. "How do we know you two won't hurt us again?" When Robin says, "You don't," Marshall tells them they have two wonderful people up in their apartment who are their perfect couple best-friends match. Barney says, "Then what are you doing standing out in the rain with us?" Lily says, "Damn it! Why is there something so attractive about a bad boy?" She looks from Barney to Robin. "And girl?" Hopeful, Marshall looks at his wife. "I think we can change them." Lily sighs then says, "Come here, you two." And the four drenched, star-crossed best couple-friends embrace in the rain, as the music (and who can blame it) swells (apologies to Joss Whedon). Barney pulls back to tell Marshall, "We'll never sleep on the Gouda again."
End tag: Ted has a poem for Barney who doesn't want to hear it, but he's going to, and so are you. Use your imagination for the images that accompany the telling:
'Twas the night before this one
I had hours to kill.
I sat in the tavern,
Grading parchments with quill.
Barney says, "With quill ?" Ted replies, "Barney. It's a poem ."
A busty, young lassie
Flashed me a grin.
Her garb said classy ,
But her eyes whispered sin.
She said, "You're a teacher?"
I said, "Yes, indeed."
"I must have you," she moaned.
"I'm turned on by tweed."
With haste we did scamper
To my chamber anon.
We fell to the couch,
And, bro, it was on.
I unlaced her bodice.
Our passions grew deeper.
And thus ends the tale
Of the Sexless Innkeeper.
Barney says, "No way; you made that up." Just then, a beautiful blonde wearing only one of Ted's shirts pops her head out of his bedroom. "Are you coming back to bed, professor ?" When she goes back in the room, Ted pauses for Barney's benefit. "Whew. God, I love being single." Barney is beside himself when Robin comes out of her bedroom. "Barney -- you ready for brunch with Lily and Marshall?" Like a caged animal he looks from Ted's room to Robin, and whispers, "What have I done?"
Well, it's late, I'm tired, and this is supposedly a weecap, so I'm not adding too much. I think that was, hands down, the best episode this season. There was great word play. There were silly Marshall songs. The characters remained in character. In short, it was just a joy. Some people have been complaining that surely Lily and Marshall and Ted and Robin must have double-dated. But I think that was different. Ted was already Marshall's best friend (and Lily's too, really). Robin came on the scene as the girl Ted liked. Ted, Marshall and Lily all lived together. There was no having them over . It's a different kind of pressure, playing host. Also, they knew they were keeping Ted, no matter what happened with him and Robin. Your best friend (or your spouse's best friend) fills a different role than couple best-friends do. Also, Marshall and Lily were broken up for some of the time that Ted and Robin were together. And Robin and Ted had broken up by the time Lily and Marshall married. Now, sure, Robin and Barney are already friends with Marshall and Lily -- but they're all friends, so that puts them on different and more equal footing than Ted and Robin were, years ago. Also, Lily's been yearning for some more adult company (even though she fled in terror when last she arranged it) for a while. So, anyhow, I have no problem with this premise. It worked for me. Truthfully though, I've loved Jason Segal since Freaks and Geeks . I can still hear him singing "Lady L" to Lindsey. It would take an awful lot for me not to love an episode so chock full of his singing. The poems and ye olde flash-backs were lovely, too. This was a pleasure to watch and a terror to recap, because I am afraid I can't do it justice. What's done is done, though, so join me next week for "Dual Citizenship." In the meantime, come join the discussion in the forum .
In addition to How I Met Your Mother, Cindy McLennan also covers The Vampire Diaries and Lost . Email her at CynthiaMcLennan[at]gmail.com, or shout out to her on Twitter .