Got the Babysitter Pregnant
Updated 2009-01-09 08:50:04
Earl tells us in voiceover that one of the great things about the Crab Shack is that people come by to share their exciting news. We get a few examples: Catalina's stalker got hit by a bus and is paralyzed from the waist down! Joy saw the new family, and is still the hottest mom in the trailer park! A lady is not pregnant! Darnell congratulations everyone, but hearing about a pregnant lady just reminds Earl, sitting down the bar, of a list item: Got the babysitter pregnant. (Interestingly, we don't get a list number.)
We flash back to Earl having a hot babysitter, when he was probably 15 and he wouldn't go with his parents and Randy (in his cowboy hat) to a squaredance. It seems weird they wouldn't just leave him home alone, but whatever. Earl tries to impress her by oiling up his skinny teenaged body and listening to Lynyrd Skynyrd with her. Earl decides it's time to make his move, but he catches her kissing a guy closer to her age. She tells Earl to go to bed. So, while babysitter and boyfriend are getting frisky on the couch to Risky Business, Earl sneaks in and pokes holes through the guy's condom. Next thing we know, the babysitter, Rachel, is pregnant. Young Earl tells her to look on the bright side: "We already know you're a good babysitter."
Back in the present, Randy realizes Earl just saw something that made him think of his list, and Randy wants to guess. His guesses: Threw up in the pickled egg jar, and threw up on the electric crab. Then he gives up and Earl tells him it's "Got the babysitter pregnant." He just nods knowingly. Joy walks in and orders a margarita from Darnell, who asks her where Mr. Turtle is, since she said she'd bring him in for a steam bath in the dishwasher. She says she forgot him back at the trailer, but Earl's voiceover explains that's not exactly what happened: She set him on the roof of the Brat when the neighbor's kid chewed through his leash again, then drove off with him still there, and he flew off into the street.
Earl tracks down Rachel, who is still with Daniel, amazingly enough. She's also still hot (looking a lot like Faith Ford ). Strangely, though, they now look much older than Earl than they did when they were all young. Daniel tells Earl he always thought it was fate that put them together, but now he realizes he has Earl to thank for it. They're both so happy. They show Earl pictures of their wedding day, which also happens to be the day their son was born. They tell him he didn't do anything wrong, since he brought a new life into the world. Right on cue, their son (played by Max from Veronica Mars ) comes upstairs in his underwear, all hairy and a mess, asking if they could be any louder and then complaining that his breakfast isn't made -- and, what is this?! Skim milk?! In other words, he's a 20-year-old loser. Daniel and Rachel just laugh it off, because they're obliviously loving parents (also known as "enablers").
Meanwhile, Joy's trying to right her own wrong: losing Mr. Turtle. She's doing this by trying to replace him with another turtle. She goes to the hotel to try to get Earl to choose which of the two turtles she's found looks more like Mr. Turtle. He's not there, though, so Catalina fills in. The writers of the show felt like they had to give her her obligatory two minutes of airtime, so she gets this. She tells Joy that one of the turtles looks more like Richard Dreyfuss (which is who Mr. Turtle always reminded her of), but the other one acts more like Richard Dreyfuss. She chooses the one that acts like him. Joy leaves the other turtle with Catalina.
Rachel and Daniel are still showing photos to Earl. They're currently showing him Ronnie's high school graduation, where they didn't know Ronnie wouldn't graduate until his name wasn't called. Right then, Ronnie tells them they'll have to get a ride to work tomorrow, since he needs the car. Rachel sweetly asks, "What for, Sugarlump?" Ronnie yells at her, "Does everything have to be a debate with you, Rachel?! Just give me the stupid car!" He goes downstairs, and Daniel and Rachel explain to Earl that kids just go through phases. Right then Ronnie asks where his pee bottles are, and his mom says they're in the dishwasher. She also apologizes. And, oh my god, seriously? There are about 337 things wrong with this moment, but I'll focus on a few: 1. Pee bottles. PEE BOTTLES. Because he can't walk up the stairs, they explain, because it's so far. 2. Pee bottles washed in the dishwasher. With the dishes. That you EAT OFF OF. 3. Her apologizing for not having his pee bottles at his disposal. 4. He was JUST upstairs, so the long walk can't be an excuse. He could have just gone before going back down. I get that this is the whole point of it, but it's still disturbing and weird.
Daniel and Rachel are all, "Kids! What are you gonna do?" Earl says Ronnie's not a kid and should probably be out on his own. Daniel says they told him to look for an apartment, and even gave him one month's rent, but he blew it all in one night taking a call girl to an Ultimate Fighting match. Randy thinks this is cool. And Rachel says she was a doll, and they really hoped Ronnie would go out with her again, but he couldn't afford it. Earl says this is why karma brought him here: He was responsible for Ronnie becoming their baby, so maybe he should be responsible for Ronnie becoming a man. They resist a little bit, because he's their baby. Earl says Ronnie needs tough love, and he'll take over from here. Right then, Ronnie calls from downstairs that he thinks the cops might be coming, since the neighbor just saw him peeing out the window. Cut to Earl dragging Ronnie out of the house, kicking and screaming. Randy assures Rachel and Daniel that Earl's good at teaching people stuff. Just then Ronnie gets away, and Randy blocks him across the chest, flipping him over and knocking him down (I'm sure there are terms for all of these moves, but I'm not a fighter). [ I believe that's called a "clothesline." - Zach ] Randy turns back to them and says, "He taught me that." It's very cute.
Earl's determined to stay tough and make Ronnie independent. He gets Ronnie his own hotel room, which he paid for for three days. Ronnie has that long to get a job, and then he's on his own. Ronnie asks when his allowance is, and Randy says, "Fridays." In a high-pitched voice , Earl lies there's no allowance. Ronnie needs to find a job. They leave Ronnie.
Darnell has Fake Mr. Turtle on a hamster wheel. The turtle's not moving, so Darnell says something's wrong with him. "By now, he's usually spun this thing a whole quarter-turn." Joy says Darnell might have worked him out too much, but Darnell thinks he probably tried to hump his heating rock again, since the rejection always depresses him.
Back at the hotel room, Earl is brushing his teeth, while he tells Randy (who's in the bathroom with the door closed) he's always wondered how good he'd be at raising a teenager. He brushes really messy, with frothy toothpaste hanging out of his mouth. As Randy flushes and comes out, Earl finishes up and passes the toothbrush to Randy, who grabs it and starts brushing without rinsing or washing his hands. It's the most disgusting thing I've ever seen, so I can hardly concentrate on the conversation (which I don't think matters anyway). It's something about: Randy's nervous raising Ronnie, and now understands why their mom drank.
Earl checks the bullet hole and sees Ronnie's just laying on the bed watching TV. [ Which means Ronnie's staying in Cappie and Lloyd's old room ! - Z ] Earl takes the TV away, and Ronnie yells he hates him! The next day, Ronnie's still doing nothing but drumming on a dresser drawer. Earl moves everything out of the room, and Ronnie yells that he hates him. Next day, Ronnie's just playing with his zipper, so Earl takes his clothes, and yells, "I hate you more!" before Ronnie can yell it. Earl reminds him he's kicked out tomorrow if he doesn't get a job.
Joy's trying to get Mr. Turtle to walk. It's as boring as it sounds. Basically, she rubs his belly and threatens him. The Dog Whisperer , she ain't. [ Actually, she seemed to be rubbing a specific area of Fake Mr. Turtle's anatomy, promising him more of that if he'll just walk a little bit. It's kinda dirty and gross, and I felt uncomfortable watching it. - Z ]
Ronnie's kicked out now, and eating eggs with a lady he's calling "Homeless Mom." He asks for more, and she says she'll see if she can find another nest. Earl can't believe this. Ronnie says Earl's just mad he figured out how to feed himself. Earl says that's not what happened; he talked a homeless woman into cooking for him. He tells Ronnie he's pathetic and to act like a man, and that he's too old to live in a motel room someone else is paying for. Randy tries to interrupt, but Earl keeps going: "You've got no job, no skills. All you do is mooch off of other people." Randy tries to interrupt again, but Earl goes on that Ronnie's 22 and needs some self-respect. Randy interrupts again, and Earl tells him to go wait in the hotel room. Randy points out that he's exactly what Earl just described. Earl says it's not about him; it's about this loser. Randy says if he thinks Ronnie's a loser, then Randy's a loser, too. Randy asks Earl if he thinks he can take care of himself. Earl high-pitches , "Yeah. Yeah, sure, of course." Randy knows he's lying, so he's leaving to prove to Earl he can live like a grown-up. Ronnie goes with him and says he's going to follow him and probably live off of him. Randy smiles, turns to Earl and tells him he got himself a Randy. Yeah, he did. Only a less endearing, less adorable Randy.
Outside Earl's hotel room, Catalina's asking him if he's worried about Randy. He says he isn't, because Randy will be back as soon as he's hungry or forgets he's running away. Joy pulls up and yells at Catalina for picking the stupid turtle, making Darnell suspicious. She wants to know where the other turtle is, and Catalina says he's in the pool with all the other animals people dump, including a Shetland pony. Uh-oh, don't tell PETA. Catalina tells Earl she's conflicted: She'd love to rat Joy out, but she doesn't want to hurt Crab Man. Earl thinks Mr. Turtle will be okay, but Catalina goes on and on about how dangerous the world is for a turtle, all helpless like that. Earl agrees, but he's thinking of Randy. Catalina calls him "slow" and "vulnerable." Earl says he eats anything people give him. Catalina says if he rolls on his back, he can't get up, and Earl says he knows, because he has to roll him over all the time. Then he yells "Randy!"
Next thing we know, he's at Rachel and Daniel's telling them he screwed up and has lost their boys. Rachel can't believe Earl made him have a little boy and now made her lose him! Earl gets it; he lost his too. They all agree tough love is horrible, because you can't help being emotional about someone you love. And now Randy's out there in 67-degree weather. Rachel asks if Earl packed them light sweaters, and Earl says no. She screams, because we all know what happens if you don't pack light sweaters in 67-degree weather, right? That's right: You get sort of chilly. They hit the streets looking for the boys. They look at the morgue, but luckily don't find them there, although they do find a really outdated SARS joke (or maybe a shout-out to TWoP co-founder Sars ?).
Joy pulls up at home and Darnell's having a funeral because Mr. Turtle died. He's heartbroken. Joy's ecstatic and hides the new Mr. Turtle doppleganger, then throws him on the roof of the trailer. But Darnell's so sad that Joy ends up admitting that wasn't Mr. Turtle. She tells him everything, and instead of being mad, Darnell's delighted to hear it. He says if any reptile can't make it home, it's Mr. Turtle.
Meanwhile, Earl, Rachel and Daniel are giving up hope after searching all night. Right then Randy and Ronnie drive up in a golf cart. They're in suits, and Randy's talking on a Bluetooth. It's a very amusing scene, because it's completely unexpected. Randy makes Earl wait while he finishes up his presumably important business call on his Bluetooth. He asks someone to send him a link. Wait... have we ever seen Randy on a cell phone or a computer? And now he knows how to use a Bluetooth and links? Riiiiiight. Randy hangs up and tells Earl he won't believe what happened.
Earl tells us in voiceover about what happened: Randy started feeling more responsible since he had his own Randy. He tells Ronnie he's going to start growing a moustache and that Ronnie should watch out for aliens and birds, which is what the number two does. I love Randy's view of the world: Number ones grow a moustache. Number twos watch the skies. That would explain why he always appears to be in a daze, wouldn't it? Just then a wallet falls in front of them. Ronnie immediately wants to try crack with the money in it, but Randy tells the guy on a nearby ladder that he dropped his wallet. The man is so shocked at the honesty that the boys get to pick anything they want from his thrift store. That's where they get the suits. They're at a loss what to do now.
Luckily, a group of men in suits walks by and Randy decides they should follow them. They get welcomed to the "American Flange, Stoppers, and Fastener Manufacturers Trade Association Annual Convention." They're sitting in a lecture, where a guy monotones about a chart, when they get up to leave. The speaker asks where they're going, and Randy says, "This is boring." Ronnie adds, "I don't even know why we're here." Everyone agrees, and they decide to try to liven things up by making them less boring, just like FDR said. Or something. Turns out, Randy and Ronnie are the hit of the convention.
At the end of the day, there's an announcement that they're giving away a golf cart to the winner of their annual dance contest. Strobe lights come on, and It Takes Two starts up. Randy says, "Oh no they didn't!" and tells Ronnie to follow his lead. He starts breaking it down, like anyone with cheer camp training would do. Ronnie joins in.
Back in the present, Earl's telling Randy he was worried sick. Randy doesn't get why. He says he did just what Earl would have done: Put on a suit when you have something important to do. Be honest about the wallet. Take care of your Randy. Earl realizes that all you can do is teach them the best you can and trust they'll find their way. Ronnie's telling his parents how great it was being called "Sir" and treated with respect. He decides to go back to school and move out of the house -- and into the garage. Which is at least a step in the right direction.
Back at the hotel, Randy says Earl didn't think he could take care of himself. Earl admits it, but says he was wrong. Randy says being a grown-up's easy, but it's not his thing, because "You're only as good as your last idea, Earl." He tells Earl he's going to take extra-special care of his suit, in case anything happens to Earl. He then stuffs the suit in a garbage bag and throws it across the room. Which is only funny because you know that really is Randy's version of taking extra-special care. They say good night to each other, and we zoom out of the room and into the parking lot as a song I've never heard that keeps repeating "A slow journey" plays and then fades out as Mr. Turtle walks in a sad little circle. He's totally on his way home. And he better make it.
A giant Mr. Turtle comes on the screen and tells us that no turtles were harmed in this episode, "So, please, no letters, crackpots." Well, I wasn't going to write you a letter about the turtles, but now I might write one complaining about you calling me a crackpot, show.
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DeAnn is a writer and editor in Portland, Oregon. You can contact her at twopmodmars@gmail.com .