Sold A Guy A Lemon Car
Updated 2008-11-07 09:28:55
Earl starts us out with a voiceover telling us how annoying the neighbors have been at the hotel. His example, a guy named Cappie (not the good kind ), who tells stories about his dog eating Halloween candy and saying that he doesn't work on Sunday, "the Lord's day." Then he realizes it wasn't Halloween candy, but Valentine chocolates. It's extremely boring, but not the worst thing in the world. And Randy loves it, so if Earl were really as nice as this whole karma thing implies, he'd probably just put up with it. But he won't, and luckily Catalina is there to help: She tells Cappie his room has toxic mold, and moves him to a new wing. Worst opening segment of the show ever. I didn't even come close to laughing.
Later, Randy asks Earl to explain why Cappie's in the east wing. Earl says it's something about "toxic moles," but Randy's not buying it. He knows Earl got rid of him, just like he did with the guy with the illegal penguin. This leads to a very fun segment of Earl saying that penguin was a jerk, and then impersonating said penguin with a flit flit flit noise with his mouth, while moves his hands in a motion that signals penguin feet. You really have to see it to get the humor in this one. Earl found the penguin annoying because it made the noises all day long, and because the guy kept the penguin in the ice machine at night. Earl could taste it. [ That line made me laugh out loud. - Zach ] Randy misses Cappie, but Earl says they're better off without him.
Right at this moment, their new neighbor knocks on the door, all ominous and hooded. And it's Malachai from the scariest movie of my life, Children of the Corn . He wants to know why Earl and Randy are in his room, and Earl says his room must be next door, but the guy said his key opened this door. He's seriously creepy, with his chimo hooded sweatshirt and taped-up rapist glasses . Earl says the locks and keys were all bought at a swap meet, so the keys work in every door, and various kitchen utensils also can open the doors. Earl welcomes the chimo to the neighborhood, and the guy heads to his room. Randy congratulates Earl on bringing the guy who likely has the least funny stories in the universe. But Earl doesn't want stories; just quiet. Randy wants to know how Earl likes quiet in a brother. He is quiet for all of ten seconds and then asks how Earl likes it. Earl says to give him a few hours.
Unfortunately, Malachai isn't giving them a few hours to figure out if they like him quiet, either. As soon as they're in bed, he's making grinding, sawing noises next door. Randy reminds Earl that Cappie didn't make noise at night. Earl's sure the new guy doesn't realize how loud it is, so he'll go talk to him. He knocks on the door and Malachai answers in a welders' mask, and holding a lit blowtorch. Earl tells him it's 3 in the morning, and could he keep it down? Malachai plays dumb, saying he doesn't know what Earl's talking about with the noise. He was sleeping. He always sleeps in this outfit with an open flame burning in his hands, duh. Who doesn't? I mean, come on, Malachai, at least turn the blowtorch off if you're going to try to lie like this (or, you know, don't bring it to the door). Earl gets back into bed and tells Randy it went really well, and that Malachai's actually nice once you get to know him. Then the noise starts again and Earl admits he misses Cappie. They wonder what he's doing next door and Randy suggests one of them look through the bullet hole, but he doesn't want to do it, because he liked Cappie. As he's explaining it, Earl yells, "Not it!" And Randy kicks himself for not remembering to say that and reluctantly goes to look. I want a brother (or an anything) like Randy. It's so easy to win with him; you just make up rules to suit yourself and go. Anyway, Randy looks and sees an almond-shaped white thing with a greenish brown center, and then it blinks. He finally realizes it's an eye. As if Malachai needed to go to that extreme to make me terrified of him.
The next morning, Catalina's explaining that Malachai's name is Lloyd (I'm sticking with Malachai), and she will not make him move because he is freaking scary. He told her that if she steps into his room something bad will happen to her pretty little face. She's not kicking him out, because this means she doesn't have to clean his room, and he thinks she's pretty. She hopes he never leaves. Earl says they're going to have to move if Lloyd's not, and Randy says that's fine, but he thinks Earl should be the one to go pack their stuff. Earl says, "Not it!" And... argument over.
A little bit later, Joy's using the pool net to sift through the hotel's green pool, and Earl asks her what she's doing. She's catching a fish for Dodge's science project. Good mom, right? Well, not really. She really wants Dodge to win the science fair because she wants the $500 cash prize to buy a diamond necklace that Jane Seymour is shilling for (Product Placement Alert!) Kay Jewelers. Joy wants the necklace, plus Jane Seymour is appearing to her in dreams. She tells Joy she'll need to win the science fair even though she's not good at science, because "it's all about evolution." Joy wakes up realizing that Jane Seymour wants her to disprove evolution. She tells Darnell how she's going to disprove evolution: put some water in the fish tank, but put the food on a rock that's above the water. If the fish doesn't grow legs and walk to get the food, there is no evolution. Which is exactly how it works, right? Back in the present, Joy fishes out a condom, tampon, pacifier and a fish. She dumps it into a cooler and we get underwater camera vision of a condom, condom wrapper, pacifier, tampon, and a fish that looks like surprisingly like a tadpole.
With her fishin' mission accomplished, Joy turns and sees Malachai. She thinks he's a homeless guy -- what with his shopping cart filled with what looks like trash -- and gives Earl a valuable lesson on how to keep homeless people from going through your trash: Break your bottles before throwing them away. Another, more Earth-friendly tip (from me, not Joy): Recycle your bottles. [ Then they know to look in the bright orange bin! - Z ] Joy realizes she knows Malachai, and then Earl realizes he does too. Right after they got married, Earl started a new career hauling away people's old junkers for $50. By "hauling away," he means sitting in the driver's seat while a pregnant Joy pushed it. He'd then take it home, give it a "hillbilly tune-up," which consisted of him putting an egg into the engine, while Joy stapled the seatbelts back together, painted over the "Check Engine" light, and wrote "AIRBAG" on the steering wheel in Sharpie. They'd find a nice house that was vacant, and Joy would stand in front of the house with the car and pretend she lived there and was selling the car to buy a mini-van. She tells a very clean-cut, innocent-looking Malachai that before she knows it she'll be playing soccer like all the other moms. I love that she thinks soccer moms actually play soccer. That would be much cooler, actually. Malachai's going on a cross-country trip, but he hasn't bought a car before and doesn't know what to ask. Joy tells him to pay now, take the car, and come back if something goes wrong, since he knows where they live. Oh, and they sold this car for $900. Malachai thinks it's a great idea and buys the car. Back in the present, Joy says he no longer looks nice and sweet, and that Earl should stay away from him. But now Earl can't: Malachai's on his list.
Earl's told plenty of people that he screwed them over, but never anyone quite this psycho. He leads with "Hey, buddy," and Malachai tells him he's not his buddy. Then Earl says he heard the craziest story, and Malachai tells him if it's the one about the dog eating candies, he's already walked away from that one. (Way to actually make the joke from the opening of the episode funny, although it might have been better had it actually been funny then instead of 13 minutes in.) Earl tells Malachai that he's the guy who sold him that lemon car, and tells him about the list and karma and everything else. But Malachai says Earl doesn't owe him anything, because Earl showed him the way of the world. But then he tells Earl what happened after he bought the car from Joy, and we head into his flashback. A still happy Malachai heads off on his cross-country trip, singing "America" . All of a sudden, the car stops running, before Malachai's even made it across Camden. So he heads back to return the car, but finds out the house belongs to the Yangs, not Joy. Malachai throws his glasses, breaking them. Next time we see him, he's passing the car along to the next sucker with his taped-up glasses. He tells the old woman he's selling it to that it's not the car that's shaking; it's her. He tells her that the smoke coming out of the hood is the steam feature, which keeps the engine clean. She thinks that's fancy, and is so happy to have one nice thing before she dies. She buys it.
Back in the present, Earl tells Malachai he'd like to make up for what he did, and Malachai tells him not worry, because Earl taught him that people are scum. But he ominously adds that he won't have to worry about the scum of the Earth for much longer. Earl thinks that's a weird thing to say, but adds "no offense." Malachai says it's okay, though, because he'll soon have all of his materials and won't have to worry about people offending him. He picks up a box marked "Dangerous: Explosives" and walks up the stairs. He passes Randy, recognizing him as the one from the eye hole (uh, Malachai? It's a bullet hole, not an eye hole). Randy's freaked. Earl thinks he created a terrorist.
Earl asks Randy what they should do to stop this crazy from blowing something up. Randy knows this is really bad if Earl's asking him. He suggests calling the cops, but Earl says that won't help, because they'll just lock him up and then let him out even angrier at the world. Randy suggests the next obvious thing: chop his hands off so he can't light fuses (or build explosives, even). Earl says, "We're not chopping off Lloyd's hands." Malachai/Lloyd walks up and asks what's up with that, and Earl says they're talking about his cousin Lloyd, who has hand cancer. Earl tells Malachai he feels responsible for him hating the world, and Malachai's like, "I already thanked you for that." Earl doesn't want him to be so negative, and Malachai asks Earl to show him one person who isn't negative. Randy astutely responds, "Katie Couric." Earl shoots him down for some reason, even though that's the best possible answer. Earl tells Malachai that not everyone is scum, but Malachai says people are only good until they get screwed over. He thinks that after he screwed over the next lady, it just kept going down the line. Earl tells him that someone might have broken the chain, and he'll bet him $500 that someone did. Malachai says he's on a fixed income, and all of it is going to his project, so Earl asks him to give humanity another chance if someone broke the chain. Malachai agrees.
Back at Joy's, the fish grew feet and is up on the rock. Dodge asks what that means, and she says she thinks it means they don't have to go to church anymore. Darnell points out it's a tadpole, and that Joy proved tadpoles turned into frogs. Joy asks if people already knew that, and he says it's common knowledge. She's pissed because that won't help her get the necklace. Darnell names the tadpole Mr. Frog, and I think a new reptile has joined the Darnell-Joy trailer.
Earl and Malachai are with the old lady Malachai sold the lemon to, and she remembers the shaky car. She wasted $1,000 getting tested for Parkinson's. She spruced it up with a racing stripe and sold the car to someone who was new to town. Turns out it's Earl's friend, Nescobar, who calls the old lady a "sneaky little bitch." He says what she did was evil and wrong, but he sold it to the next sucker, because: "Welcome to America." He sold it to another guy (a mechanic, who ends up selling Malachai some sort of button for his "project" while they're questioning him), who says he wrote "Turbo" on the side and sold it to a "black fellow named Pookie Johnson." He remembers because his mom's name is Pookie. Earl realizes how desperate the situation is, and gets creative.
Darnell's pretending to be Pookie Johnson. He says he realized he was hoodwinked, and then melted the car down into a jungle gym for orphans. He only wishes he could have melted something down to make them moms and dads. Malachai's impressed, but I'm thinking karma's going to do something about the lie. And just then the car limps by with the word "Turbo" on the side. Malachai says people are scum, and Earl's scum for lying, and he jumps into Earl's car and drives away. Earl takes off running after him, but it's a car, so we know he won't catch him. He does catch -- and even pass -- the lemon car that's been sold 100 times this episode, though. Earl's out of shape, since he hasn't run much since he gave up stealing, but he gets there soon enough to stop the bomb. He runs in, begging Malachai not to set it off, and Malachai tells him it's not a bomb; it's a rocket ship he can use to fly himself away from the scum of the Earth. Malachai actually says, "Bomb?! What do you think, I'm crazy?" Earl doesn't know how to answer that. But Malachai's impressed that Earl ran toward the danger, and the fact that he'd risk his life to save other people proves that people can be good. He congratulates Earl on not being scum. He actually congratulates him on winning his bet, but it's sort of the same.
Earl's final voiceover/moral of the story tells us that a long time ago he hadn't opened Malachai's eyes to the bad in the world; he'd closed them to all of the good. He says both are all around, and we have to choose which one to see. For example: Randy likes Cappie, while Earl chooses to focus on how annoying he is with his boring stories. Earl realizes he needs to be more like Randy. I feel like the moral of almost every episode is how much more like Randy Earl needs to be, but he never really starts acting more like Randy, because the show wouldn't work as well if we didn't have the somewhat normal main character. And now Malachai is going on his trip, still listening to "America," still singing, still looking like a chimo. Since Malachai didn't need his rocket, Dodge uses it to win the science fair. Joy's so happy until she realizes Dodge wins a savings bond in his name. Darnell knew, but didn't tell her because he figured if he told Joy, she wouldn't go through with it, and then Dodge wouldn't get to have his "unearned feeling of success." Luckily, Darnell thought about Joy's feelings, too, and bought her the necklace already. Darnell tries to give Joy a lesson on how those diamonds were formed from carbon, which came from dinosaur bones. She interrupts with, "Darnell, don't be a turd in the sandbox," and walks off in glee with her necklace on. So the moral? Apparently that everyone should see the good except for Joy, who gets to just keep on being a terrible person, except for on rare occasions where she realizes she wants her son to think she's sexy .
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DeAnn Welker is a Portland writer and editor. Email her at twopmodmars@gmail.com .