Stole an RV
Updated 2008-10-03 09:53:06
We start with Randy and Earl walking down the street, in the middle of a conversation. Randy explains that he didn't say "instead of"; Earl would have both his regular hands and robot hands. Earl says, then, okay, yes, with robot hands, you could open beers faster. Randy's glad Earl finally admits it. And then Randy finds a hat on a bench.
Earl explains that when Randy finds a new hat, he creates a character for the hat. (Is this continuity I see? It goes along with his good acting from last week, right? We see Randy in a sombrero asking about "chicken wings" in a Mexican accent; in a cowboy hat doing his best John Wayne; and wearing a sideways red ballcap with "Yo, yo, yo, what's up?" Earl hopes this hat will be different, but Randy puts on the fedora and asks Earl, "Wouldst thou fancy a beer? I certainly shall." Not exactly sure what that has to do with the fedora, but then again, it's Randy, so you can't really apply too much logic, right?
Randy is telling Darnell, "I'm do believe I'll have a beer in a glass." And he'd like a cherry on top. Kenny says Randy's making him feel like he's at Rick's Café Americain , but Darnell tells him that Earl and Randy don't watch black and white movies because they remind them of newspapers. Nice fedora reference, though, Kenny.
Randy corrects Darnell's grammar -- though incorrectly, of course. Then he says, "Now if you'll excuse me, therefore, what for, wherewithal, henceforth, English muffins." Hee. Ethan Suplee is so good at this role.
Joy runs into the Crab Shack and says, "I seen the giant pig! Pigsquatch!" I have no idea what to make of that, but luckily Earl fills us in: There's a legend of a giant pig in the trailer park. No one sober had ever seen it until Joy. Darnell asks if she's sure it wasn't the neighbor hosing off his mom in the yard again. Joy's indignant: "I think I know the difference between a prehistoric pig and jumbo Sally!" Duh! Who doesn't?
Joy plans to catch the Pigsquatch. Darnell wants to know what she'd do with it, and she says she'd make a fortune on tourists who will pay to see the "world's biggest" whatever. I have to give her this one: People do that, for some inexplicable reason. She remembers Earl seeing the world's biggest ant hill when they took an RV trip.
Earl remembers this trip, because it's No. 47 on the list: Flashback to Joy, Earl, and Randy running up to an open RV in an RV park. Apparently the kids weren't with them because they'd been "mistakenly detained by child protective services," according to Earl. Since they knew the boys were in good hands, they stole an RV to go on vacation. They failed to notice the man on top, who had a hose and therefore was pulled off when he didn't let go of it.
Earl, Joy, and Randy love the trip, because they love fancy RV people, who have special stemmed glasses just for wine. Joy loves RVs more than trailers because you can drive away if a twister's coming instead of "sitting in your bathtub with a pillow over your head like a chump." She says she's never going back, and Earl says she never has to, thanks to the RV they stole. They toast to hitting the jackpot. And as they do, their RV blows up behind them.
Earl asks Randy if he turned off the stove when he was cooking the Helper. Randy said he did. He said his hands were full, so he blew it out. Yep, that'll do it.
They find the RV owner living in the same spot, but instead of an RV he's living in a tiny, one-room wood shack with a massive hole in the roof. He seems to be covered in leaves. Earl wants to make it up to him, even offering to buy an RV. (Yeah, that would suck up your whole $72,000 , Earl, so you might want to take a step back.) The man's having nothing of it, though. He just wants to be left alone so he can wait to die. Earl says he has to cross him off the list; the guy suggests pumping him full of morphine and beating him over the head with a rake. Randy reaches for the rake, but Earl won't do it, so he stays and watches the guy, who really is just waiting to die. Oh, and the guy is Jerry Van Dyke from Coach . Earl can't figure out a way to help Jerry (that's his name on Coach , too), but for now he's going to fix the hole in his roof. He then drops a hammer on Jerry's head, but Jerry doesn't mind.
Meanwhile, Joy's trying to catch her pig, but she's using bacon as bait. Darnell says she can't catch a pig with bacon and he needs to feed it to the boys, who are drinking Tom Collins mix for breakfast. He walks to the end of her line to get the bacon, when the bushes move and a pig squeal comes from back there.
Earl is done with the roof and goes in to talk to Jerry. Randy's listening to the radio outside, and when he goes by a jug music station, Jerry starts bobbing his head and tapping his foot. Jerry tells Earl he loves the jug, because it's easy to learn but hard to master. He misses his jug, which Earl blew up in his RV. He throws a "Jackass" Earl's way for good measure.
Earl gives Jerry a jug, which makes him happy. He said the RV was filled with memories from his past, "mementos." Randy explains, "The fresh maker." Earl said what he'll do to make it up to Jerry is replace the stuff that was in the RV. He asks what else was in there. Jerry's first response is "my dead wife." Earl thinks they would have remembered that, but Jerry explains it was just pictures of her -- all over the wall. He met her when he first came back from the war in Korea, and the pictures made him feel like she had her arms around him. He then plays their song, Moonlight Sonata, on the jug, only it doesn't sound like anything more than a person blowing into a jug. He looks like he might pass out. Earl and Randy are entranced. And when Jerry's done he says, "That, gentlemen, will get you laid." Earl can't replace the pictures, but he knows where to go if Jerry needs someone's arms around him.
Cut to Joy in front of Pigsquatch. No, it really is there. A giant, hairy pig that's sort of half pig, half buffalo. It looks to be dead, and Darnell's taking Joy's picture in front of it. He says his favorite is still the one of her riding it side-saddle, because "acting lady-like on a giant pig" makes him laugh. She tells him to keep taking pictures before the sleeping pills wear off. So, not so much dead.
Earl walks up and asks how they caught Pigsquatch. She says she used the pig version of what got him to marry her: sleeping pills and a bucket of slop. I hope she used the sleeping pills on Earl. And maybe some alcohol. But not the slop. Because that would just not be right.
Earl then asks the longest, fastest question ever, so I'm going to quote it: "Listen, do you still have that Real Doll you bought to make Darnell think you were in bed when you ran to Mexico to avoid the cops, but got caught by Dog the Bounty Hunter, went on trial, and I went to prison for it, then got out, then got hit by a car and went into a coma where I thought I was living in a sitcom world?" She says, "Yeah." He asks for it, and says it's for a good cause. She doesn't know, because she and Darnell still use the doll on date night.
Flash to them setting the doll up as "Aunt Gretchen," the mean babysitter. They tell the boys if they were them, they'd stay in their rooms, since she brought her paddle. If that's what you expected Joy and Darnell to use her for, raise your hands? No one? That's what I thought.
Back in the present, Joy tells Earl he can actually have her, since she caught Darnell taking a bath with her the other day. What? We don't get a flashback to that? He says he was washing her, but Joy has her doubts.
Darnell asks Joy if the pig looks funny. Joy's like, yeah, but so do all pigs: Porky, Petunia, Miss Piggy. That's not what he means. He means it's not breathing. It's dead. And no one's going to pay to see a dead pig. She realizes Darnell's right, and can't believe 50 pills killed him. Her mom used to take that many every night with a Gin Rickey and would still wake up every morning to do her paper route. She kicks the dead pig and calls it a lightweight.
Meanwhile, Earl and Randy are about to present the Real Doll to Jerry. They gave it a makeover into a "Real Old Doll." Jerry's skeptical a "plastic mannequin" will do him any good. They have the doll hug him, and he loves it. He then thinks of more things from the trailer he'd like replaced: old animal heads, hunting equipment, a replica of his Special Forces uniform. He feels so good, he goes out for a drink with Randy and Earl at the Crab Shack with his "wife" and wearing his uniform. While there, he thinks of the last thing he needs: a pendant, and there's only one other one like it in the world. His old army buddy has it and he'd like to go with them to get it. Randy replies, "Hip, hip, cheerios. Harry Potter."
Earl was feeling good for helping Jerry, helping to bring him back to life. They drive up to the army buddy's house, and Jerry thanks Earl. All he wanted was to die, but now he has a plastic wife, all his stuff back, "and now I'm going to cut this jackass's ear off." And he unsheathes a knife and walks off. Earl gets out of the car, all, "Did you say, 'cut off his ear'?" Jerry says that's what the pendant was, and he would have called it an ear, except then Earl might not have driven him here. I'm thinking you're right, Jerry, because if you cut off this guy's ear, Earl's going to have to find a way to replace it to get the guy off his list.
Black-and-white flashback: Jerry and his buddy Joe were caught behind enemy lines during the Korean War. Jerry was wounded, and his buddy left him there, because he didn't want them both to die. Jerry didn't want him to leave, and although he couldn't stop Joe from leaving, he did manage to slice off Joe's ear before he got away. Jerry was captured and kept the ear as a reminder. Eventually he talked to it, as his only "companion." He even played cards with it. He kept talking to it after the war, including in the RV.
Back in the present, Earl says he can't let Jerry do this, but Jerry said he's not asking permission, since Joe left him for dead and never gave it another thought for 50 years. Earl insists Jerry give him the knife. Jerry's Special Forces, though, and is still pretty badass, and punches Earl in the neck, then knocks him down and heads toward the house. But Earl hops up quickly and runs to the house first. He knocks and Joe comes out. Earl tells him Jerry's there for his ear, and Joe (it's Buzz from Men in Trees ) punches Earl in the neck. Earl squeaks out, "I'm here to protect you from him." Joe asks where he is. They look for him, but only see Randy crouched grabbing his neck. Looks like he got the same neck punch that Earl got. Must be a Special Forces thing.
After Earl got his voice back, he apparently told Joe the whole story about the RV and finding Jerry wanting to die, and all that. Joe locks his doors and closes his shades, and tells Earl and Randy they're idiots for bringing "a killing machine back to life." Joe collapses into the chair and asks for the heart pills in his pocket. Joe says Earl and Randy don't know what they're dealing with. He saw Jerry kill three Koreans with a single bullet and no gun; he just pressed the bullet right into their skulls. Ew.
Joe tries to call the cops, but Jerry's cut the lines, so Joe gets into his gun cabinet and pulls out a Korean War-era machine gun. Earl: "Mother!" Randy: "Blimey!" He's still in the hat, obviously. Earl tries to stop Joe from panicking and doing something he might regret, saying he'll try to talk to Jerry first, since he's seemed reasonable, "except for the throat punch." But, then, Joe did that, too. Joe, says, "Okay, let's see." And he puts Randy's hat on the gun and puts it out the door. It's immediately shot with an arrow.
Joy and Darnell have their own scary front-yard catastrophe. Since the pig didn't die of natural causes, the county won't haul it away. And no one answered their free pork ad either. Joy's sick of trying to move the pig with a shovel, so she starts pushing on it... but her arms go through the skin and fur. She starts screaming, "Darnell! Darnell! I'm in the pig!" And Darnell is clearly sickened to the point that he is sort of incapable of helping her.
Randy hates his hat with holes in it. He thinks it looks like a hobo's hat. Earl says that's not important, and tells Joe this is crazy -- that they shouldn't kill each other over something that happened 40 years ago. Joe's angry because Earl doesn't know history: "It was 55 years ago!" In his anger, he pulls the pin out of the grenade he was holding. Earl: "Pin. Pin. Pin." Joe's too shaky to get the pin in, so Earl has to try it. Randy's bugging Earl about the hat. The pressure's on. Randy says he can't wear the holey one; he'll look stupid. Earl takes time out to tell Randy he'll look stupid anyway because it's a stupid hat, and all of his other hats are stupid because he acts stupid when he's wearing them. Randy asks, "Even the newsie cap?" Earl says yes and impersonates Randy impersonating a newsie: "Hey mista! Wanta pay-puh?" It's entertaining, but YOU ARE HOLDING A GRENADE, Earl.
Joe feels me and screams, "Will you just shut up and put the pin in?" Earl does it immediately. Joe tells Randy and Earl how stupid they are arguing about a hat. He's about to get killed by a lunatic who's mad because he left him in the field. Joe seems to have just realized what he did, leaving his friend on the battlefield and all. Turns out he'd gone to war to be a hero, but was too scared. And Jerry was wrong about Joe never giving it a second thought. Joe thought about it every day of his life. Especially when he tried to put on his glasses and one side fell down.
Joe says that maybe Jerry probably deserves to take the other ear, because he chose himself over Jerry. He says he'd give Jerry the ear, except he can remember how much it hurt to have the first one cut off. Then they hear Joe on the roof, and someone falls off the house. Joe goes out and shoots the person, but it's the Real Doll wearing Jerry's uniform. They go back in and Jerry's made a hole in the roof, and is clinging to the ceiling in his boxers. He jumps on Joe, but he's 75, and this is a lot of strain for someone who's been sitting in a chair for years. He has a heart attack.
Earl sends Randy for help, and asks Joe for his pills. But Joe's having heart problems, too. Earl says the fact that they're both having heart attacks should be a lesson about "trying to kill people when you've over 60." Yes, let's hope the viewers all learn this valuable lesson. Joe only has one pill left; do you think he'll save himself again? Nope. Because this is a message show. He says he's doing what he should have done in Korea: Never leave a man behind. He gives Jerry his last pill.
They both survive. Jerry says Joe saved his life, so they're even. Earl's platitude: "While you can't fix a severed ear, it's never too late to fix a severed friendship." So, Jerry and Joe learned. So did Randy, who promises not to wear a hat again. He throws it on the dead pig, and smiles, "It can make anything look good." Then Jerry and Joe blow up the pig with dynamite. The head lands on the hood of the El Camino. It's huge and bloody and creepy.
No bedtime stories with Randy and Earl this time.
This episode seemed weirdly disjointed, with the hats, the Pigsquatch, and the military guys. It had plenty of funny, but didn't flow as smoothly as the three others so far this season. That said, I'll give them this small lapse, because it's still better than most of what we had for the better part of two seasons.
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