Sweet Johnny
Updated 2008-10-10 09:38:13
Joy's in her Brat eating some "Chubbies Nuggets," according to the packaging, as Earl voiceover tells us that a crime is committed every seven minutes in Camden. And, unfortunately for Joy, time is about up. A greasy-looking guy with slicked-back hair hops into her car and points a gun at her. She tells him that carjacking a red, white, and blue Brat is liking spitting on the American flag, and asks him to let her get her nuggets. She reaches in the car, but he's apparently one of those mean car thiefs, so he slams the door right as she's reaching in, smashing her fingers. Her response is, "Oh snap! My hand snapped!" But obviously said with a lot of grimacing and pain. He drives off, pulling Joy in tow, since her hand is stuck.
Meanwhile, Randy's telling Earl that if you can pull the label off your beer bottle in one piece it means you're not a virgin. Willy the mailman told him that (Willy, as in, Ethan Suplee's dad , which makes that he told him that sort of creepy). Earl peels his off in one piece, so he guesses it must be true. Randy tries, but his tears, and he screams, "What?! I've had sex, you stupid beer!" Right then Joy's car comes up the road dragging Joy, who manages to pull free, rolls to a stop, then stands up and starts running after the car. It's the best stunt Randy's seen since "Sweet Johnny." Hearing that term sends Earl into voiceover, time-to-bring-out-the-list land. Sweet Johnny was number 7 on Earl's list, and one of the things he claims to feel worst about (presumably why he's so close to the top of the list).
Earl voiceover tells us that Sweet Johnny got his nickname because he was so sweet, and also because he did such sweet stunts. Flash back to David Arquette in a patriotic white suit that's sort of Evel Knievel -lite. He puts his helmet visor down, and then we realize he's tied to a rope that's also tied to a motorcycle that's pulling away. The rope loses its slack and Sweet Johnny falls over and is pulled away. I don't think that's much of a stunt really, but it is pretty stupid. Earl continues that he was impressed with Sweet Johnny's stunts, but was even more impressed with Sweet Johnny's girlfriend Sheila, who looks and dresses like -- and for all intents and purposes is -- Daisy Duke.
Next thing we know, the dragging stunt is apparently over, and Daisy and Earl are comforting a very injured and swollen Sweet Johnny. The doctor has told them that Sweet Johnny will be laid up for a couple days, but Johnny says (or, actually, mumbles through his swollen mouth) that it was worth it because "that stunt Sweet Johnny just pulled off was sweet." Earl uses the opportunity of Sweet Johnny's injury to make his move, winks at Daisy, pantomimes sex and heads outside. She follows him eagerly, and opens a big blue van that has "Sweet!!!" painted on the side. She crawls in, all nasty, sticking her backside in Earl's direction, and he grosses, "There's a back porch I could spend an afternoon on." She takes it to an even grosser level with, "Reach out and grab a slice of that butt cake." I don't know if I'd call it originality or anything, but "back porch" and "butt cake" are two terms I had not ever heard used to describe a woman's butt. I could have lived my whole life in such blissful ignorance, but now I'm ruined. [ Poor, sheltered DeAnn. - Zach ] Earl then pinches her butt and makes a noise that's a cross between a game-show buzzer and a donkey braying. This scene makes no sense, but then I guess seduction in Earl's world wouldn't be expected to. Earl crawls inside the van, and then we get an outside shot of it rocking.
Earl knows he has to keep Johnny out of the way if he's going to continue this affair with Daisy, so he voiceovers that he came up with a plan. And the plan is something Earl calls the Doomsday Chair. Earl tells Johnny he saw it on an episode of That's Incredible and it blew someone 20 feet in the air, but if they make the whole chair out of TNT, Earl thinks Johnny will go even higher. Johnny likes this idea so much he practically has an orgasm, screaming "40 feet in the air!"
Next thing we get is a close-up of a girl's butt in '80s jeans, as Earl voiceovers that a nice hiney will make a man do crazy things. Or make a man make a man do crazy things (as Johnny runs out toward what looks like a La-Z-Boy recliner, but that's hooked up to a dynamite plunger). Someone blows up the TNT, and when the smoke clears, Johnny's covered in ash, with a broken helmet visor. Oh, and he might be unconscious. Which means he's injured bad, which is more sex time in the van for Daisy and Earl. That's actually what Earl voiceover tells us: that he realized the worse Johnny got hurt, the more time he got in the van with Sheila. Nazareth's "Love Hurts" starts to play as we get an injured Johnny montage: First he's burned with missing teeth, then he is icing his head with a neck brace, then he has a halo brace and all sorts of bandages. Earl voiceover makes sure we know that these injuries were all because of things Earl talked him into doing, such as the human speed bump and the rocket unicycle.
We see Johnny back in his patriotic jump suit on top of his van as Earl voiceover says he was starting to feel bad by the time he talked Sweet Johnny into being the human wrecking ball. Johnny's apparently going to be swung by a cable into a burning wall, which is not exactly what an actual wrecking ball does. Earl and Daisy are standing there watching, and Earl tells her he's sorry but he can't do this anymore. She agrees that this is some sick stuff. He takes a last look, pinch, and a weak honking/braying sound at her butt and walks off. Sweet Johnny weakly swings into the wall, is knocked unconscious, and catches fire.
Back in the present, Earl tells Randy he has to find Sweet Johnny, but Randy says he doesn't want to come. He'd rather get another beer at the Crab Shack and prove to it that he's not a virgin, but not in any dirty way or anything. Just by peeling off the label. What he actually says is that he won't stick his penis in it to prove he's not a virgin. This is both disgusting (I seriously want to know where the FCC censors are when it comes to this show) and inaccurate, as sticking your penis in a beer bottle does not mean you've had sex, I am sorry to tell you. So Earl gets in the front of the El Camino and drives away, with Randy still sitting in his lawn chair in the back. They drive away, then Joy's Brat goes by with Joy still running after it.
Earl has no problem finding Johnny, since he's still living in the same house. Johnny apparently has no hard feelings. He greets Earl with a Budweiser-style "Wazzzzuuuuuuuup?" To which Earl replies with a much less enthusiastic version of the same thing. Sweet Johnny says he's preparing a new stunt: he's gonna attach a chair to some balloons, float as high as the planes, high-five God, jump off, and use a parachute to float back down to Earth. Earl confesses that the reason he convinced Johnny to do all of the crazy stunts was to sleep with Daisy. Johnny can't believe Earl or Daisy would do this to him, and he starts crying. Earl tells him he wants to make it up to him, but Johnny's too busy pulling out a staple gun and shooting Earl with staples. Earl runs off, explaining in voiceover that he has a rule with the list that if someone pulls a weapon he gives them time to cool off.
Darnell is telling Joy he feels taller, so his socks must be thicker. It's deep, but we don't have a chance to hear her answer, because he notices she has a gun and wants to know where she got it. She bought it at "that Indian dude's garage sale." She also bought Darnell a tank top that says "Whitey Off The Rez," but she thinks he can get away with it since he's black. Darnell ignores her -- we all know he'll be sticking to his plain white tank top, anyway -- and says she knows how he feels about guns: that no good can come from having one. She says that if she'd had it yesterday they'd still have their car and he wouldn't have to ride bitch on Fernando's bicycle to get to work. He edits her statement to point out that if she'd had it, there would have been a shoot-out and the inside of the Brat would look like a blender. She's annoyed he's trying to take away her First Amendment rights. He tells her the First Amendment is freedom of speech, and she raises the gun, saying, "And nothing speaks louder than this."
Earl gives Johnny a day to cool off, and when he comes back, he gets the same, "Wazzzzuuuuuuuup?" greeting. Earl starts to apologize for yesterday, and Johnny tells him that yesterday he was buying helium with Daisy for his next big stunt. Then he explains the stunt to Earl, and it's the exact same chair-flying, god-high-fiving, parachuting explanation as before. Earl asks if he remembers him telling him about sleeping with Daisy, and we get the exact same upset reaction, staple gun and all. Earl says Johnny's always been unpredictable, but this is just odd. Yes, Earl, it's so surprising that someone might have brain damage after you talked him into injuring himself in so many different ways, often involving blows to the head. Earl runs off again.
The next day Earl takes a new approach: He looks for Daisy to find out if she knows what's up with Johnny. He finds her being a meter maid. She's standing behind a car putting a ticket on its windshield, and she's surprised to see Earl. She tries to squeeze through two cars to come say hi, but her butt is too huge for this to happen. That's right, she's lost the beautiful butt of so many disturbing metaphors. She's still skinny and cute other than the butt. She acknowledges it's gotten a little bigger, but asks Earl to give it a squeeze for old time's sake. He looks grossed out, but does it, with a little sound effect and everything. He tells her he needs to ask about Johnny, because he seemed kind of "forgetty." She's surprised Earl doesn't know about the accident, and the brain damage.
Earl voiceover tells us that Johnny put himself in danger on his own, even when Earl wasn't talking him into doing it. We see Johnny suiting up into his jumpsuit. He can't get it on so he's bouncing on one foot, when he falls and hits the back of his head on a dresser. This begs the question: Does every show I weecap involve this happening to someone? Go ahead and consider this a spoiler alert for Desperate Housewives , I guess: Since DeAnn weecaps it, someone will fall and hit the back of their head.
We're back in the present and Daisy (I'm going to continue calling her this even though without the short shorts she's not nearly as Daisy Duke) tells Earl that Johnny can't make any new memories since that day. He never leaves the house, and just keeps working on that chair. For the past 10 years. This is the sort of thing that probably makes everyone at home feel pretty productive. So, hey, TV that is also empowering. I'll take it. Daisy says she stayed with him for a couple years, but he got hurt while "La Vida Loca" was big, and she couldn't stand to hear him sing it one more time. Earl sympathizes, because Randy was into that song for awhile, and it was the only time Earl spanked him. I really don't want to picture that, since it was obviously during their adult lives. Disturbing. Earl tells Daisy that at least this explains why Johnny didn't remember Earl telling him that they slept together, and Daisy's annoyed that he'd tell. Earl says he has to make up for it, and Daisy says that they got a "get out of jail free" card by Johnny not being able to remember anything. No guilt or anything for Daisy, apparently. Daisy excuses herself when she sees someone parked illegally across the street. Her butt gets stuck between the cars again.
At the Crab Shack, Darnell's looming over Joy's shoulder (and he's wearing his red tank top that says "Whitey Off the Rez"), but she's having none of it, apparently still mad about the whole First Amendment thing. At another table, Randy's still trying to prove to beer that he's not a virgin. He tells Earl he doesn't get it, unless sex with "daytime hookers, illegal aliens and 60-year-olds" doesn't count. Earl ignores this and instead shares his concern that he won't be able to cross Johnny off his list in one day. I think he should stop worrying about it. He really did get a "get out of jail free" card on this one, and he should just take it and move on. He pulls a staple out of his head while he talks. Catalina agrees with me, asking why he doesn't just skip Johnny and move on. She doesn't think he'll live long enough to finish the whole list anyway. Randy panics, saying that Earl said he'd live forever. But Earl says he will finish the list, and he has to cross something off once he starts on it, so he can't move on now. Someone knocks a pool cue over behind Earl, and Joy jumps up and points her gun, telling everybody to freeze. But no one listens, and the majority of Crab Shack patrons pull out guns of their own. Awww, Camden. Darnell tells them not to pull out their guns over a pool cue. Joy puts her gun away and accidentally shoots it, but tells everyone, "It's all right. Just grazed my booby."
Earl goes back to try again with Johnny, this time with a protective mask on. He tells him again, but Johnny eventually changes weapons and starts beating Earl with a 2-by-4. Earl tells Johnny he wants to make this up to him, but Johnny says he's going to talk to Daisy. Earl tells him he doesn't know about this, but he has a brain injury and has been doing the same thing every day for 10 years. Johnny thinks this is an un-sweet trick to try to pull on Sweet Johnny.
Earl brings Sweet Johnny to see Daisy, who's not even a little bit happy about it. She calls Earl an idiot, because Johnny won't remember any of this in the morning. Johnny asks her to please tell him she didn't cheat on him. She says he doesn't need to get upset, and he should just get back home. She walks out from behind the truck she's behind, and Johnny's like, "What happened to your ass?" She makes excuses about her thyroid, but Johnny's disgusted. He says 10 years of ass grew since yesterday. Then he realizes Earl wasn't playing a trick. It has been 10 years. He runs off, but Earl follows. He tells Johnny he has to make this up to him today before he goes to sleep and resets. But Johnny runs inside. Earl watches through the window as Johnny drinks a bottle of generic Nyquil. He wants to go to sleep and forget he knows all of this, despite Earl's pleas.
Darnell's washing dishes when Joy asks if he's seen her gun. He tells her maybe the boys brought it to school, since they'd mentioned something about being alienated and disillusioned. He has a very satisfied smile on his face for someone who's making a joke about school shootings. Joy asks if he's trying to make a point and reminds him she hates points. He says it's just a shame she lost it since today is the cops' "guns for hams" exchange. Joy takes a look in the fridge and sees a ham, and curses Darnell, because she can't protect her family with a honey-glaze.
The next day, Earl revisits Johnny and goes through all of the initial steps: Tells him, lets him staple gun and beat him, tells him about the amnesia, lets him go see Daisy and her ass, and takes him home. But this time, he pries open the window and steals the cold medicine. He tries to calm Johnny down, and promises to get him through this. He does this by singing him some words "once sung by a handsome Cuban man," but he sings La Vida Loca , and Ricky Martin is actually from Puerto Rico. I'm not sure if that's intentional on the show's part or not. That's the cool thing about working on this show, I bet: No need to check facts because if something's wrong they just say, "Yeah, we got that wrong because Earl is supposed to be stupid, obviously." Earl sings this with much less enthusiasm than he sang Eye of the Tiger for his dad a couple weeks ago . But he does make this song special by petting Johnny's head while he sings. Oh, and he says, "Livin' the Vida Loca." Earl asks Johnny if he's okay, and Johnny says his life is just like Groundhog Day , except that instead of Andie MacDowell he's got a cheating ex-girlfriend "with a big, fat dumper." And "dumper" is another word I've never heard or used to describe a butt. Can I scrub these terms from my brain after this weecap, I wonder? [ Poor, poor, sheltered DeAnn. - Zach ] And Johnny's sad he'll never get to do his stunt, and he tells Earl that's what he'd like him to do for him. Earl says they have to do it today, and Johnny says it should be good since he's double-checked it all 3,654 times. Earl calls the Crab Shack to round up an audience for the stunt, but when he turns back around, Johnny's fallen asleep on the couch.
So, Earl and Johnny (and us, unfortunately) go through the entire thing again: "Wazzzzuuuuuuuup?" Confession. Staple gun. 2-by-4. Sheila's big ass. Cold medicine theft. Singing and head petting. But this time, Earl makes Johnny sit up while he calls everyone to come watch. Johnny welcomes everyone, including the only member left in the Sweet Johnny fan club and Randy, who's still peeling beer labels (or trying to). Earl says this feels good, because he's about to cross Johnny off his list, but then he notices Johnny's parachute is sitting on the ground as Johnny's cutting his chair free. He brings it to Johnny, but he says he's ending it, because, "If this is my life, and that's Sheila's ass, I don't want to go on." Earl throws the chute on his lap, but Johnny throws it back with a "Sweet Johnny!" squeal. Earl grabs the bottom of the chair to try to stop Johnny, but instead he floats away with it, and starts panicking.
Randy finally peels off his label, and then Catalina shows him what's happening and he screams and drops the beer bottle. Joy tells Darnell that if she had her gun, she could shoot out a balloon and save them. Darnell doesn't want to hear it, but she wants him to admit that sometimes there is a good reason to have a balloon. Darnell fast talks: "Yes, I admit it. When two men are floating away in a lawn chair tied to big balloons, and one of them has left his parachute behind, that might be an okay time to have a gun." Joy thanks him and pulls out a revolver and shoots out a balloon. She says this is America; did he really think she wouldn't get another one? Earl and Johnny come crashing down and Earl asks if anybody's dead. Catalina says Johnny's breathing. Joy tells Darnell she saved the day, and that he might want to reconsider. Then she accidentally shoots the gun, which is tucked into the back of her pants. Everyone gasps, and she says, "It's okay, everybody. Just grazed my stinker." I have officially come to the conclusion that the purpose of this episode was to come up with as many new slang terms for butt as is possible. And I think they exceeded expectations. [ Okay, now you're starting to make me feel sketchy for already knowing all of these slang terms. - Zach. ] Johnny wakes up after the fall and is all confuzzled: "I thought my stunt was tomorrow. And then he "Wazzzzuuuuuuuup?"s the whole crowd. If I have to hear that ever again in my life it will be too soon.
Earl voiceovers that Johnny's suicide attempt made him realize how selfish Earl had been, and how he was only trying to make himself feel better by crossing Johnny off the list. We see him greet Johnny again the next day and hug Johnny instead of telling him the truth. He tells Johnny he really likes him. Johnny asks for his help fixing this chair, which some kids must have broken in and damaged last night. (They also apparently beat him up and made him bite halfway through his tongue in the process.) Earl realizes he has to make himself suffer by not crossing him off the list, and so he'll always remember it, but that's appropriate, since Johnny never will. So he circles the item on his list instead of crossing it off. Earl helps Johnny get the chair ready for the eternal tomorrow. I know the episode's over, and I don't really want to see any of this process happen again, but Earl's other option would be to wake Johnny with a videotape every day like Adam Sandler did for Drew Barrymore in 50 First Dates .
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