The Gangs Of Camden County
Updated 2008-04-18 19:21:51
Earl's still in prison. And a big sign on the outside of the prison proclaims that this unit has been assault-free for zero days! I think that would have been funnier if it said something like four days, and then a fight broke out right in front of the sign, and the world's weariest prison guard walked over with one of those big poles with the hook on the end like you used to open the windows in elementary school and changed it back to zero while heaving a big sigh. Earl VOs that it's difficult to complete even the simplest tasks in prison, as he struggles to cut his toenails with some clippers until a guard confiscates them. The guard explains that last year, an inmate used a set of nail clippers to cut off another inmate's arm, and it took a week and a half. Hey, a nip here, a nip there, amputation! The guard remembers that he's supposed to take Earl to see the warden.
Meanwhile, remember when Randy stole a car to try to get into prison with Earl ? Despite yelling, "I'm stealing a car! Come and get me!" as he drove off, Randy couldn't get arrested. Randy's next brilliant idea involves walking up to a cop at a police station and pretending to be the Truck Stop Killer. Problem is, that perp was already detained (see, I know the cop lingo). Then Randy pretends he painted some nearby graffiti, but the cop is so impressed with the artistry that he asks Randy to paint his baby's room. What is he, Spencer Pratt , with the graffiti mural? Randy is out of ideas (which didn't take long), so he just slaps the cop across the face, which is enough to get him hauled downtown (or down the street, as the case may be.)
Joy and Crab Man visit Randy in the holding cell. Joy tells Randy that it's a long shot that he would ever get sent to prison, and asks if he knows the odds that he would get sent to the same prison as Earl anyway. Randy does know: "Seven. Seven going to prisons. [Pause. Dumb look with tongue hanging out of mouth.] Twelve?" Joy tells him that doesn't make sense and promises to bail him out since she promised Earl she'd take care of him. Crab Man (who is looking a bit more buff these days) says that his uncle slapped a cop once and got twelve years in the pen. Crab Man: "Guess what color he was?" Randy: "Lucky? [beat] Oh, that's not a color."
Earl arrives in the warden's office, and he VOs that the warden (played by Craig T. "Coach" Nelson, natch) wasn't much into watching the prisoners. Warden Coach congratulates Earl on helping Glenn get parole. As a reward, Earl gets one week off his prison sentence, and a coupon for twenty percent off anything in the prison store. He hands Earl an actual paper certificate, which cracked me up. What's he going to do, put it up on the wall in his cell? That's actually exactly what he'll do. Warden Coach complains that it's tough being a warden. Earl VO explains that the warden had a cushy life once his wife was elected governor. We flashback to the warden playing Guitar Hero in his underwear as his wife gives a tour of the governor's mansion to the media. Of course, they walk in on him, and this leads Governor Mrs. Warden Coach to get Warden Coach a job. Flashback to his first job, on September 10, 2001, when he told the soldiers in the National Guard that they didn't need any training because it's not like they would ever have to fight in a war. That's a pretty pointed joke for this show. Earl VO continues explaining that the warden made a lot of mistakes (as we see a shot of a poster hanging in the prison that says, "Friends Don't Let Friends Shiv.") One such mistake was letting a company outsource their manufacturing to the prison labor force. Only problem? The company manufactured ladders. He also made the guards participate in "Bring Your Daughter To Work Day." Dude! That's pretty harsh too! A bunch of little girls run screaming out of the prison gates.
Earl tells the warden that it's not really fair that nobody talks about the 740 inmates that didn't escape in the ladder incident. Warden Coach likes how Earl thinks, and asks his advice on a gang situation, which is "Ebony-Ivory," except one of the gangs is Spanish, so it's actually "Ebony-Spanish." I feel like that joke could have been a lot funnier. Maybe "Ebony- Blanco "? I realize that's white, not ivory, but you get my drift. Anyway, the warden decided to make like The Odd Couple and put the leader of the black gang in solitary with the leader of the Spanish gang. The two leaders are locked in a room, biting and scratching all the way. One month later, a guard opens the door and they're still fighting. Again, missed opportunity. They should have started playing the Odd Couple theme song (because it's awesome) and then copy the credit sequence except in prison terms. Like instead of stabbing a stinky cigar with the end of his umbrella, maybe one guy stabs...someone's severed finger. I don't know. You know what I mean. I realize that the fantasy sequences aren't this show's style; it just makes me miss Scrubs . Scrubs would have totally done that joke. Anyway, Warden Coach promises Earl a month off his sentence if he can get the two gangs to stop fighting. Warden Coach gives Earl a pep talk about standing tall and being tough, and then an inmate comes crashing through his window and he runs away like a child. He should have wet his pants. That's always funny. I promise I don't always second-guess the writing on this show. It's usually pretty spot-on. This episode just feels kind of...rushed? Lazy? Like filler? Maybe I should finish watching the episode before I make that decision.
Earl works in the prison garden as he VOs that he needed to figure out what started the gang war in order to stop it. The black gang plays basketball (at which point I hear Ricky Gervais as David Brent whispering, "Racist!"), but their ball rolls over to the Spanish gang, who immediately start kicking the ball around. As "Great Balls Of Fire" starts up, one guy rushes another and a riot breaks out. Earl thinks the problem must be that there aren't enough balls (no pun intended - or is it?) so he gets the warden to buy two balls. So one guy from the black gang takes both balls, and another riot breaks out. Earl decides that the solution is even more balls (hee! Balls). When a truckload of balls is dumped in the prison yard, a game of Dodgeball breaks out. Which seems better than a fistfight, but Earl's still not happy. The guard walks over and tells Earl that Joy and Randy are there to visit, and they look pissed.
In the visiting room, Joy is bitching that Randy made her miss her Brazilian wax, and now she'll be "all stubbly in my [birth] home video." Randy says he didn't want to get bailed out, and he misses Earl. Randy starts crying, reminiscing about his childhood eating Hostess Sno-Balls with Earl, and Joy starts bitching at him. Earl realizes that this situation is similar to the gang war. He makes Randy say one nice thing to about Joy. Randy thinks Joy has a nice rack. Joy, flattered, says Randy has gotten better about remembering to flush the toilet, "especially after a big job." Marriages have been founded on less. Earl gets an idea and takes off to see the warden. He takes a Sno-Ball with him and shares it with his guard buddy, causing Randy to get all kinds of jealous.
The warden lets Earl use his office to hold a meeting with Hector, leader of the Spanish gang, and Jamal, leader of the black gang. Earl asks Hector to say something nice about Jamal. Hector glances at the camera in the corner and remains silent. Earl guesses that he doesn't want to go on record, so he climbs up in the corner to disable the video camera. As he does, Hector and Jamal start making out! And no, I'm not kidding!
Earl busts them kissing, and tries to act cool about it. Hector confesses that Jamal is his everything. Apparently, while they were in solitary, they fought, but after a few days, they started talking. They discovered they had a lot in common: "Both of them didn't like spiders, or negative people, or being startled while taking drugs." Well, who does? Eventually, they began a relationship. Jamal thinks Hector's eyes are "fierce like an eagle, but soft like a waterbed." When their solitary time was up, they knew that they would have to pretend they still hated each other. Whenever they wanted to get together, they would start a riot and then grab a few seconds while pretending to fight each other. Earl thinks they should be honest about their feelings and become prison role models. Jamal thinks Earl is right. Hector knows his gang won't accept Jamal, both because he's black, and because he's gay. Jamal says he needs more from this relationship "than the occasional punch in the throat." Man, if I had a nickel...Jamal stomps on out.
Earl VO (which I kind of want to abbreviate EVO, but then I think of EVOO, and Rachael Ray, and I think that might kind of annoy me after a while, and more importantly, you also, gentle reader) explains that Jamal felt scorned, which meant all-out war. Inside, Warden Coach reminds Earl that he's supposed to be increasing the peace, not decreasing it, and yet there are more stabbing victims in the infirmary than ever! Warden Coach confesses that he has a fraternity reunion coming up and he doesn't want "Slime Cracker and Man Boobs" to make fun of him for being unemployed. Yeah, those dudes are vicious. And there's nothing to tease them back about. Nothing at all. Nothing about their nicknames, or the traits and incidents that led to those nicknames.
Joy and Randy are getting along better, and Randy has decided to become a prison guard so he can be with Earl. Darnell thinks it's a bad idea because Randy has such slow reaction times. He demonstrates by holding up his hand and saying, "Randy, I'm going to slap you." Then he sloooooowly moves his hand towards Randy's face, and finally slaps him. Randy still doesn't react. Joy thinks a full-time job would get Randy out of the house all day, so she's all for it, and vows to help him study for the test.
Earl VOs that he needed to patch up Hector and Jamal's romance by getting Hector to make the first move. Earl steals Jamal's sweaty shirt and rubs it on Hector's pillow. When Hector goes to bed that night, he dreams of Jamal. Earl then gets the laundry guy, Homer, to shrink Jamal's shirt. Jamal walks around the yard with a belly shirt on, and then Earl "accidentally" sprays him with the hose. Hector sits up and takes notice. In the kitchen, Earl gives Jamal a push-up (those orange ice cream things that come in a paper tube), and Hector sits up and takes notice of Jamal eating it lasciviously.
Randy takes his prison guard test and scores 55%. He asks the proctor if he can play the race card, whatever that means.
Hector gets Earl to deliver a message to Jamal: "You're my pouty-lipped he-slut. My chocolate-covered man candy." Earl cuts to the chase and says that Hector's sorry and wants Jamal back. Jamal says he can't do it, but asks Earl to tell Hector it's over, kiss him hard and squeeze his nipples. Earl skips the last two suggestions, and instead gives Hector a lecture about how sadness is what allows us to recognize joy, etc. Hector sadly asks Earl to tell Jamal he'll always love him. Then Hector is off to commit suicide by electric fence. Jamal sees this and runs after Hector and tries to pry him off with a stick. The gang members think Jamal is beating Hector, and cheer him on. Once Hector is disengaged from the fence, he and Jamal pledge their love to each other once again.
They ain't related, but they Doobie Brothers! The Doobs sing "Listen to the Music" on the soundtrack as Earl explains that he convinced the warden to let Jamal and Hector use his office to "work out the gang differences" once a month. Because that's what the kids are calling it these days. Hey baby, want to work out our gang differences? Earl gets a month off his sentence. You know what the people need? A way to make them smile. Hector and Jamal are secretly together, and their gangs seem to be getting along better. Earl is pleased to know that if two people want to be together, they'll find a way. Just then Randy walks up. Turns out he got the highest score on the guard test this year, so he's in. Earl's old guard friend walks up, and Randy tells him to beat it, as the brothers are reunited at last.