Well, we knew someone was gonna get shot this season, but we didn't expect she was going to be the one to do it, and we didn't expect he was the one who was going to get shot. Here's how we got there …
Christopher drags RealRebecca to the Dallas police station, despite her resistance, to report Tommy Sutter as a missing person. The detective believes foul play is afoot, especially when Christopher whips out that voicemail message featuring his ex, BeckyPam, threatening Tommy.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch, Bobby comes home and tells Ann the harsh truth, that her daughter, Emma, was kidnapped all those years ago, but not by strangers … it was Ann's ex-husband, that weasel Harris Ryland, who did it! Ann wigs, and, as she is wont to do, immediately decides to give up and accept that Emma now hates her. (NOTE: We're not liking her so much ourselves right now, as she is among the wishy-washiest people who've ever crashed at Southfork). Bobby convinces her otherwise, that she just needs to meet with Emma and tell her the other side of the story, to which Wishy-Washy Annie agrees.
Cue the theme song, show the opening credits sequence, and cut to …
John Ross, waking up in BeckyPam's bed. He wants her to put their business arrangement in writing. He also wants some breakfast.
"This is business. You and I are working together, nothing more," she says, before jumping back into bed and on top of John Ross.
"I like to be on top, darling'," she says.
"We have that in common, darlin'," he says.
If you think that sounds sexy, it is. And if you don’t think it sounds sexy, trust us, it is.
Bobby and Ann head off to the police station -- no, you aren't imagining it, Dallas PD is seeing a lot of action this episode -- where Bobby has arranged for one of his law enforcement pals to bring Emma in to question her about being kidnapped by her father and grandmother.
Granny Ryland, played to delicious uber-creepiness by "Who's the Boss?" star Judith Light, accompanied Emma to the station, and she takes the face-to-face meeting with Ann to deliver a line worthy of J.R.
"Now I can finally tell you what I have waited 20 years to say. You were nothing but an egg donor for Harris. You were never worthy to be his wife."
Ann makes an incest quip and then lunges for her former mother-in-law, but Bobby separates them and warns Grandma he's coming after her once he's made sure her son pays for what he did to Ann.
Ann, meanwhile, has scooted off to meet with Emma, and try to explain to her what really happened. Surprisingly, Ann 'fesses up that Harris did not lie about her being an addict. She was addicted to tranquilizers, she tells Emma, which she used to try to deal with her unhappy marriage. But she never stopped loving or looking for Emma after the little girl was kidnapped, she says, to which Emma, with a coldness that is worthy of J.R. happily taking down one of his enemies, responds that she doesn't care, doesn't want to have a relationship with Ann, and, in fact, wants her to leave the room right now.
J.R. is a tech geek!
Speaking of old J.R., this episode has gone on far too long without one of his one-liners, and that is about to be remedied. He and John Ross are discussing Elena's loan agreement with Sue Ellen, which J.R. has gotten his hands on and is reading on a tablet!
[Related: How Larry Hagman created TV's best villain]
Fans of the original "Dallas" series surely enjoyed this particular moment as much as we did, not only because it's a fun little reminder of just how rapidly technology advanced and became a part of the daily lives of everyone, at all ages, but also because it's just really fun to see J.R. with a tablet and imagine the many ways he will find to use it to screw over as many people as possible.
J.R. tells Junior that they must find a way to get Elena to default on the loan, and to make Sue Ellen call the loan in, because if they do and she does, Elena's shares of Ewing Energies would be up for grabs, and J.R. desperately wants to get his mitts on them.
But how will we do that, John Ross asks, with the unspoken explanation being, "you know, because Mama isn't a total bastard like we are."
Cue the first of many J.R. nuggets from "Sins of the Father," this third episode of Season 2:
"Son, that girl has stomped all over your heart like a Brahman bull going after a rodeo clown. You use those puppy dog eyes you got from me, and that's going to bring out the mama bear in Sue Ellen."
Unsurprisingly, J.R. is right, and when John Ross goes to Sue Ellen's office to drop off a sizeable check for her foundation -- which is suffering from the fallout of her bust of a gubernatorial campaign -- and bats those aforementioned puppy dog eyes while telling her how Chrelena is rubbing their reunion in his face, Mama Bear Sue Ellen is ready to spring into action.
Chrelena's got (new) enemies
Sue Ellen visits Elena at her office and tells her in no uncertain terms that she wants to see some action on the Henderson oil drilling she lent Elena the cash for, or there will be consequences. Elena accuses Sue Ellen of making their agreement personal -- duh! -- which Sue Ellen denies -- duh! -- and then tells Elena to start drilling within a month, or find a way to repay the money.
Sue Ellen was just being "a bitch on wheels," Elena whines to Christopher, but, really, lady … that whole you-go-sisterfriend thing you had going with Sue Ellen began when you were on John Ross's arm. Now that you're back with Christopher, did you think Sue Ellen was going to remain on Team Elena? Puh and huh!
And Sue Ellen's threat to call in that loan is far from the only trouble coming down the pike for Chrelena. Elena's long-lost brother Drew surprises the family by returning home for good, and Elena's mother seems to be the only one truly happy to see him.
Elena's big bro apparently split town after the death of their father, who, in Digger Barnes-ish fashion (Wikipedia that one, newbie "Dallas" fans, and write a short essay comparing and contrasting the Ramos family to the Barnes family of the original series, with specific examples), was obsessed with finding oil on a plot of land the family owned. Drew was the only one present when Papa Ramos died, and he not only blames himself, but is now obsessed with finding oil on the land.
Glitch: Mama Ramos sold the land while Drew was away all those years, which Drew is displeased to learn. Elena offers him a gig trying to help her find a way to drill through a salt dome in Henderson, though she neglects to mention to him why that is of the utmost urgency all of a sudden. And though he originally balks at working for -- "with," she corrects -- his sis, he agrees.
But if we were Elena, we'd keep an eye on him. He's got some grudges, clearly, and since Bobby is the one Mama Ramos sold his daddy's land to, we're guessing the Ewings have a few spots on that enemy's list.
BeckyPam makes a critical error
This action swings back to BeckyPam, who, aside from that morning romp with John Ross, has been fairly quiet so far this week. That's about to change, too. RealRebecca visits BeckyPam and demands one meeeelion dollars (minus the pinky finger held up to her lips) lest she let the cops in on just how much she knows about BeckyPam and Tommy's grift.
The detective Christopher and RealRebecca met with earlier visits BeckyPam to question her about Tommy, and she tries to throw the suspicion on Christopher. The cop doesn't buy it, but a wigged out BeckyPam instructs Frank to give RealRebecca the cash and threaten her about what will become of her if she tried to double-cross a Barnes woman.
Frank, obviously still smarting from J.R. referring to him as the Barnes family's poodle last week, silently seethes over this errand boy task he's been assigned.
Christopher gets a call -- he gets so many calls in this episode that we sincerely hope he's got all of these people on his "friends and family" plan -- from the police detective, who wants him to come over to BeckyPam's old condo and see the blood they found in her radiator, blood that just happens to match Tommy Sutter's.
We must note here that, though we appreciate the challenges of storytelling and moving things along at a decent clip, we must also ask why a Dallas police detective would be calling John Ross -- who is, at the very least, completely involved in this mess in some way -- to the scene of a crime to show him the evidence?! Answer, he wouldn't, but did.
Christopher texts RealRebecca that police found Tommy's blood in BeckyPam's condo, and, freaked out, she tries to lam it. Too bad Frank is standing there, at his most menacing, when she opens her hotel door to flee.
J.R. makes a new ally
After a quick stop at a dive bar so John Ross can bribe the foreman on Elena's Henderson site to make sure she's delayed in getting past that salt dome, we're back to Frank, who is surprised by a visitor waiting for him at his office.
"You lost a step, Frank," J.R. says. "It's a sad day when an old man can sneak up on a super ninja."
J.R. proposes a deal with Frank, in which Frank helps the police find Tommy's body and send BeckyPam to jail.
But what's in it for Frank?
"We both know that rich people don't go to jail," J.R. says. "However, the people that clean up after them do." (Uh, Martha Stewart, Bernie Madoff, Conrad Black … but J.R.'s trying to make a point here, and in the likelihood that that means more great one-liners ahead, we won't quibble).
OK, but Cliff Barnes will know I double-crossed him right away if I make the body appear, says Frank.
"Frank, I'm J.R. Ewing. I can make a body appear in the middle of a church social without anybody knowing how it got there."
Frank, thinking of how he can finally stop being BeckyPam's "lapdog" (J.R.'s word) if she goes to jail, is all in.
"It's a rare and beautiful thing when enemies share the same enemy," concludes J.R.
J.R.'s not done yet
Back at Southfork, Bobby is distressed to learn that there's no legal recourse against Harris, because the statute of limitations to prosecute him has passed. But Bobby is going to get justice no matter how he has to get it, and that means he's going to turn to the one person who knows how to serve up a big helping of retribution, legalities be damned.
Of course, J.R.
Bobby finds J.R. in his room, cackling while again playing with his new tablet.
"I'm just looking at some news clippings of my past exploits," he chuckles. "It seems like I was quite a scoundrel, huh?"
Reluctantly, but knowing he's come to the right place, Bobby asks for help in dealing with Ryland.
J.R. completely understands the gravity of the situation if Bobby, the good one, is coming to him for help, and assures his sibling he's come to the right place.
"Don't you worry, little brother. It's going to be my masterpiece."
But first …
John Ross visits BeckyPam and tells her the police found Tommy's blood in her old condo. Then they have sex on her desk. 'Cause that's how they roll.
Meanwhile, Bobby was unaware that Ann had overheard the news about Harris getting away with kidnapping Emma. Ann grabbed her purse and headed out the door, and straight towards the home of her ex.
Harris gloats when he sees her, and as she demands that he explain why he did what he did and let her cruelly suffer thinking her daughter was dead, he does. He takes great delight in telling her that he turned her into a respectable woman, and when he figured out that she planned to repay him for that by leaving him, he plotted the kidnapping, and gleefully watched as she suffered, as she still suffers. He reminds her of all the moments she lost with her child -- Emma's first steps, the dance recitals, her birthdays.
"'Cause I took that away from you, forever," Harris says. "See, hearing that didn't help at all now did it?"
"Oh, it helped a lot," Ann says. As she takes a gun out of her purse and shoots Harris right in the chest.
[Related: 'Dallas' Season 2: Who killed J.R.?]
Whoa. Can't wait to see how J.R. is going to help get Bobby and Ann out of this one, since the previews for next week show Bobby being led away in handcuffs.
"Dallas" airs Mondays at 9 PM on TNT.