But that would be burying the headline. Because on tonight’s installment of Fox’s high-school musical, we got the answer to the question that’s been looming for freakin’ ever: What is the name of the neck-brace-wearing Cheerio?
OK, I kid, I kid. (But, for the record, it’s Jordan Stern!) Actually, “Tina in the Sky With Diamonds” ended with the huge revelation that Rachel Berry has won the part of Fanny Brice in the Broadway revival of Funny Girl. Holy plot developments, Batman, that is HUGE stuff! Let’s recap this business, yes?
HOW RACHEL GOT HER MOJO BACK | Rachel, convinced she’s out of the running for Funny Girl, gets mopey — and can’t even muster up crazy jealousy when Santana lands a role in a (hilarious) feminine hygiene commercial. Kurt comes to the rescue, and tells her she needs to recharge her mojo battery — which she does, returning to the “I’m Gonna Be a Stahhhh!” Rachel of Yore. And then, as the Lady Berry starts planning her next step (perhaps “Annie Sullivan’s landlady in The Miracle Worker — now casting at the New Jersey Theater for the Deaf), the producer of Funny Girl comes to Rachel’s diner, orders a whole cake, and asks her to top it with the message, “Congratulations, Rachel Berry: You are Fanny Brice.” Let the celebrating commence!
SANTANA’S FRESH FEELING | Santana nails her spot for Yeast-i-Stat, but thanks to her failure to read the fine print, gets paid in product instead of cash. But it doesn’t bring Ms. Lopez down, because she’s in the early stages of love — or something like it — with a cute fellow waitress at her diner (Demi Lovato’s Dani). The twosome stay late on their graveyard shift to watch the sun rise, and the moment ends in a quick — but very sweet — kiss. Looks like Dani might make good on her argument that Santana neds a “100% Sapphic goddess” in her life. Honestly, I’m not sure these two could be any cuter. Don’tcha think?
TINA’S WARDROBE CHANGE | Tina gets a little cray-cray when her name is announced as one of four finalists for Prom Queen — ditching Sam as a date to court the “dejected wallflower vote” and demanding everyone rally behind her campaign. Even her rival nominee Kitty agrees that it’s Tina’s time to shine — despite the fact that her support of a non-Cherrio candidate incurs the wrath of cheerleading she-beast Bree. Tina ends up winning the crown, but Bree — with help from Tina’s traitorous minion Dottie — sabotages the Prom Queen with a Carrie-style slushie dump. The visual proves absoslushly brutal — and Tina flees the scene in shame. But the New Directions kids rally around her, clean her up, put her in Kitty’s dress, and send her back into the party to finish out her night as high-school royalty. I’ve got to be honest: Darren Criss (as the supportive gay BFF) and Jenna Ushkowitz were flawless in this big moment, right down to Tina’s roaring proclamation, “I’m Tina Cohen-Chang, and I accept your crown!” (Oh, and methinks Kitty’s gonna feel Bree’s wrath for standing up for her New Directions sister. Is it just me or is Becca Tobin turning out to be a great addition to the cast? Send her to NYC!)
SAM GETS A SHOT OF VITAMIN LOVE | Sam, ditched by Tina — a girl he wasn’t even into — mourns his romantic fortunes…until the new school nurse (Nurse Penny) reignites his romantic fires. He overcomes his fear of needles, bends over and gets an injection in the keester — saving Penny’s job in the process. Still, while Penny’s a college sophomore, she’s still in a position of authority at McKinley. And give that Glee‘s finally just washed the ick out from the Puck-Shelby coupling, I’m hoping this romance turns out to be a one-episode event. Anyone with me, or are you all Team Sanny?
SUE’S NEW INITIATIVE | Sue rewards Bree for her cruel prank against Tina by naming her Cheerios captain. Then, because she feels New Directions is best when it has an enemy, Sue directs Bree to concoct heinous plans for the show-choir’s downfall. I dunno guys…methinks our tracksuit-wearin’ harpie needs a new hobby.
QUOTES OF THE WEEK
“I like yeast in my bagel — but not in my muffin!” –Santana, delivering the tagline of the Yeast-I-Stat commercial
“If we’re not careful, I swear to God we’re gonna have a black transsexual named Unique as prom queen before we have a Cheerio as prom queen!” –bitchy Bree, trying to lobby Kitty to pull her support from Tina’s campaign
Sue’s reference to Schue as “Busted Timberfake”
“I hate to interrupt the blatantly homoerotic overtones of whatever the two of you are on the verge of crying about, so I’ll be brief.” –Sue, interrupting Schue and Sam’s conversation
“Why does no one believe me? Oh yeah, the habitual lying.” –Kitty, having an a-ha moment
“Congratulations, New Directions, on accomplishing the impossible: You’ve made me hate the Beatles.” –Sue, following the glee club’s “Sgt. Pepper’s” cover
“I feel like I’m on Smash, Season 1.” –Rachel, describing her happy state of mind
GRADES FOR TONIGHT’S MUSICAL PERFORMANCES
Tina, “Revolution” — Grade: | D OK, so it didn’t sound like a great match of singer to song at the start, but how many of girlfriend’s musical numbers have to get cut off in this lifetime?
Kurt and Rachel, “Get Back” — Grade: | B A fun, piano-heavy arrangement — with the keyboards worked into the choreo, too — but I’d have liked it to rock 25% harder.
Sam, “Something” — Grade: | C+ Was it me, or did Chord Overstreet really overexaggerate the lipsynch on this one? That said, the bit with him getting the Heimlich was pretty hilarious.
“Here Comes the Sun” — Grade: | A+ Oh em gee, the harmonies on this one were as delightful as a flawless sunrise. Need more of this!
Jake, Ryder, Unique and Marley, “Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band” — Grade: | B- Anyone notice Marley has barely had two lines of dialogue in Season 5? Just an observation!
“Hey Jude” — Grade: | A- Admit it: You were moved by the New Directions’ love and support for their humiliated comrade.
Pretty Much Everybody, “Let It Be” — Grade: | A
Anyhow, with that, I turn it over to you! Hit the poll below and tell us which musical number was your favorite, then scroll down to the comments and sound off about your favorite parts of the episode. Ready, set, vote!
- Arts & Entertainment
- Demi Lovato
- Rachel Berry