Nicolas Cage: I'm Not a Vampire

No, "Vampire's Kiss" is still sacred. The actor appeared on "Late Night With David Letterman" Feb. 9 to put a wooden spike to the rumors that the actor's a blood-sucking time traveler from the Civil War era. Considering that fact never made Ken Burns's documentary, Cage shouldn't have needed to prove up that he didn't walk among the undead.

Of course, Cage's credibility was a little suspect since "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" actor was actually on Letterman to promote "Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance" -- and how could that action flick have gotten a sequel without drawing a little blood?

Still those Internet rumors have been hard to kill, ever since a September 2011 eBay auction of an 1870 photo showing a mustached Tennessee gent who bears an unnerving resemblance to Cage (the short-hair Cage, which gives us the slimmest excuse to mention The Evolution of Nicolas Cage's Hair).

Cage, when faced with the photographic evidence, admitted to a similarity but said, "How can I be polite about this? It’s a somewhat slowed-down version of me." He also pointed out that "there's a photograph of me and you can't take pictures... I don’t drink blood, and the last time I looked in the mirror I had a reflection."

Of course, that whole "a camera can capture my image" argument is flawed since that original photo is a photo. Right? The eBay seller Jack_Mord, who lays claim to 100% positive feedback and is mainly interested in "Victorian Era postmortem photography," waxed conspiracist in that listing:

Personally, I believe it's him and that he is some sort of walking undead / vampire, et cetera, who quickens / reinvents himself once every 75 years or so. 150 years from now, he might be a politician, the leader of a cult, or a talk show host.

My theory is that he allows himself to age to a certain point ... then the actor "Nicolas Cage" will "die"... but in reality, the undead vampire "Nicolas Cage" will have rejuvenated himself and appeared in some other part of the world, young again, and ready to start all over. From time to time somebody might mention to him that he bears a slight resemblance to the young version [of] that dead American actor, whose name they can't recall, but eventually, those occurrences will stop altogether.

The $1,000,000 price tag apparently wasn't met, as the listing disappeared (or did it). Or perhaps the image was secretly purchased by a certain pale compulsive spender?

And yes, just in case you were wondering, there was a practice, called memento mori, when people photographed the dead. What you call photographing the undead...let's not ask too many questions.